*****

Disappearing One
~Chris Cornell

I'm your disappearing one Vanish when the curtain's drawn But I will come again and you will let me in And you'll see I never disappear for long…

*****

It is rare that one gets the chance to realize how many seconds there are in one night.

Todd was certain he felt the power and the importance of each and every one, like a dying man's salvation before the act, but the ache was there to keep time with him, to remind him that as each one ticked off, he was close to his end. He was used to 'dragging time' in the dead of night acting as a burden, holding him back from sleep when it was all he craved, but tonight, he refused to close his eyes. He didn't want to tempt sleep, not even for one second. Todd didn't want the light to soften. In the darkness of this night, he wasn't alone with his demons, and he didn't need the light to send them scurrying for deep corners of the world, where they waited for him during the daytime, taunting him but keeping a distance until the next nightfall.

He was alone with her, and in her presence, there was light. Life. Safety. Nothing bad had a voice for the time being.

He watched her sleep, continuing to time his breaths in and out with hers. That way he felt a part of the rhythm that was Tea. It came naturally, an incarnation of an unspoken bond that had existed from the first. Even when they seemed to be battling against the other, fiercely and completely, they were somehow in synch. Todd couldn't define it as such, but it was a truth that was all around them that night, and he felt the presence. The thought escaped him that maybe it was she who had found his rhythm of things, and adjusted accordingly, subconsciously wanting--choosing---to be in that equilibrium .

Softly, she sighed in her sleep, and he tried to shrink into the pillow to keep his watch undetected. She reached out blindly, her hand grazing his cheek, and a gentle smile played across her lips.

"You're here…Don't go." She whispered.

He froze, his breath caught in his throat. She moved closer to him, burying her face in his shoulder, her breathing deep and even once again.

He closed his eyes. She was talking in her sleep to some faceless entity, the presence she needed beside her, and she was seeking out the warmth that she craved, but not his warmth---his heart was cold as ice, and that chill ran through his veins and poisoned him and everyone around him.

Todd had to break the ties and release her so that the one she needed could find her, so that she would be free to have her dream find its way into reality. The thought of that other guy made him sick…it was a jealousy he could taste, even at a soul who was, as yet, faceless and nameless. He wanted it to be him…but how could it be? When he was so convinced as to what he was.

He pulled away from her…got up from the bed and backed away…he couldn't turn his back…She had a hold on him, and it was like tearing away from a physical connection when he did turn on his heel and take several big strides out of the room. Stopping only at the closet to grab a small bag that he'd packed for his trip, he left her alone in his bed.

Like too many times before…The Faceless one…he won't do that to her. He won't have to get the demons permission first to love her like she should be loved, without having to bargain with them for her safety…and without making a deal that he knows he can't trust…the demons always win…and she sleeps alone…

Todd just about made it around the doorway before he leaned against the wall, closing his eyes---it was as if all the strength was draining from him.

He had to get away. He had to think…he needed to erase this pain. Pain made him lose control, and this one was too strong…all consuming.

The Informer. New York. He had planned to head to NY by private jet early the next morning. But now he couldn't wait, needing movement of any kind to keep him sane…he needed action. His pacing was so fast and furious, his heart pounding, it was more than he could do to keep up with himself. More than ever, he began to feel as if he would explode out of his own skin, or else he would pace until he collapsed with exhaustion. Taking the steps several at a time, he bounded down to the living room of the Penthouse, and he scooped his keys off the desk, heading for the door. He'd needed to drive…he'd drive to NY and hang out there until the morning.

Say Goodbye…

He stopped in his tracks as the thought tempted him. Running a hand through his hair, he closed his eyes. He couldn’t do it. He knew he'd never leave, and if he left her in the dark of night, seemingly without even a consideration for her…she'd get mad. She'd get that fire in her eyes and that resolve in her heart, and it would end.

It won't end…It can never end…Love has no limits…her love looks past the games…

It wasn't his father…it wasn't the demons this time…or was it? Maybe they wanted him to destroy her so badly they were lulling him into some new false serenity.

Too much confusion…

He picked up a pen, and began to scrawl her name…

Delgado----

*****

She walked towards him, her eyes fixed on him, her nervous smile breaking into its fullest form as she saw his eyes light up, the trace of a smile playing at his lips until it matched her own. The satin of her dress trailed behind her like flowing water, and the more she lost herself in his gaze, the more she felt as though she was being bathed in a warm light, like a summer sun. Her heart was telling her to run forward, but she tried to compose herself---she had the rest of her life…the rest of their life…

Walk slowly…cherish it…treasure it…

The words caused a momentary chill, but she shrugged it off.

No more shadows, from this point on…no more darkness.

Her thoughts flashed for a second, as she studied him, to wondering if being too far from the shadows made him feel uncomfortable---too revealed. She would make him see that she would protect him. Whether theirs was a world of darkness or light, she would never let him fall. She would tell him that tonight…and then she would show him. Words and actions from the heart could surely conquer anything that lurked on the sidelines. They were together now…together. It would be real this time, and total.

She was halfway to where he stood when the clouds moved in. They covered the sun, and brought that breeze again, one which chilled her from head to toe. Her smile faded, as she felt icy fingers clasp down on her shoulder, stopping her in her tracks. She stops, and turns, her breath caught in her throat, looking to see who was behind her, but no one was there. In slow motion, she turned back to Todd, and found him right in front of her, his face tortured, his eyes clouded with pain.

"Todd?" Her fear hung in his name, combined with a pleading that came from deep within her.

"I can't fight it, Tea…" His tone was so anxious, his eyes defeated. He took her arm, and led her to the end of the long path, where he had been waiting for her in the sunshine. There is another in his place now, a form that she squints at in an attempt to bring him into focus…at first, she isn't afraid, because Todd is there with her, beside her. The face of the figure is cloaked in darkness, and distorted to her view. Tea looks harder, and gasps at eyes that reflect back, cold and lifeless. In a flash, her own are reflected back at her in his, and they are just the same. The life is gone. She gasps, reaching for Todd, wanting the life that is Todd and the life he gives to her to restore her and make the vision fade away. Her heart jumps into her throat as she feels a void beside her where he had been standing. In the distance, she finds him, backing away, his eyes locked with hers, full of panic. Behind him, a man walks from the shadows and places a hand on his shoulder, a touch that makes him visibly jump but holds him rooted to the spot, all the same with a sense of control and power. He holds up a champagne glass, and tips it at Todd and then extends the toast to Tea and her faceless counterpart.

She watches, helpless, as Todd turns hypnotically away from her and follows in the steps of the man who chilled her heart, and the one who was controlling his. Her anguish grows as he seems to be swallowed up by a thick fog that has rolled in with the storm. All at once, the sunlight is all but lost, and so is she.

She summons a scream from the depths of her, calling his name, but it disappears into a howling wind. Her terror full blown and all consuming, she looks up into the "face" of the man who radiates a biting coldness and a total emptiness, and his visage takes is suddenly clear as the same person who led Todd away. He holds out his hand, taunting her with a box…

He speaks, and his voice comes from everywhere, all at once.

"I told him how far my reach was. How far it would always be, even when I was physically gone. I created a legacy of demons for him, and I am the incarnation of that tutorial. And you…" He moved closer to her, and she shrank back…

"He doesn't know, does he? About the things that lurk in your own shadows? That they have many faces, and many names…you have your own legacy, don't you? You know…and I know too. I have them all here, in this box you think you can keep them locked inside. Insecurity and doubt, self hatred and confusion, secrets, abandonment…fear…He thought that without him, nothing would touch you. But it's inside you, and it's inside him….and you're both lost…

I'm his demons, and yours---all in one.

Divide and conquer….

The final whisper hung in the air…too low for her to make out the words…

*****

She woke up screaming, trying to free herself from the tangled sweat soaked sheets, the darkness still full of monsters and fear, her heart pounding so hard she couldn't catch her breath. She gasped, trying to take in huge gulps of oxygen and flailing her arms to ward off anything that followed her from her sleep. There was a stillness all around that only amplified the accelerated pounding of her heart. Her chest ached where it slammed again and again against her ribs. Wildly, she looked around the bedroom, searching the shadows….As soon as she could take in enough oxygen, she let it out in a drawn out scream….

"TOOOOOOOOOOODDDDD!!!!" He was here! She had seen him…felt him…but now he was gone…just like in the dream…

Shaking, her arms wrapped around herself for the comfort she sought, she got up from the bed--she had to find him and be sure that he really was all right. She fumbled in desperation for the light switch to make the sinister shadows lose their strength.

"It was all too real…" The goose-bumps on her arms remained, her body and her thoughts equally chilled. She had to see him, and had to touch him…she was afraid for him…she was afraid for them. She pulled the light blanket from the foot of the bed, wrapped it around herself, and headed out in the hallway. The dizziness of her hangover and the heart-stopping fear that was ingrained in her made her steps slow as she made her way downstairs, and her voice was a tentative whisper this time, as she called his name.

"Todd?….Todd…."

She hoped she hadn't lost him to the fog.

*****

Tea squinted into the darkness of the shadows that filled the living room, trying to catch some sign that he was sitting down there, a sound, a breath, or a glimpse of movement. Many nights before this one, she had crept down the first few stairs and sat there, unseen, watching him. Watching out for him. Often he sat alone in the dark…alone, but not alone…and she would sit and wonder what he was thinking. Sometimes he would doze on and off, giving in to sleep, but it was always restless. Somehow, she felt like a guardian over him when he was fighting the nightmares, with the belief that she could pull him from anything that would try to conquer him in his subconscious. Other times, she would have to stay further up the stairwell, her head just peeking around the corner, as he stood at the window for hours staring out into the dark Llanview. There were the nights he would pace until she thought that the carpet would surely disintegrate by morning and the ones where he would throw himself into his work until daybreak arrived. Sometimes, he would take out pictures that were in the locked drawer of the desk; he would spread them out and study them, sometimes with a trace of something that approached a smile, other times with a sadness so strong that she felt it surround her where she sat. Methodically, she would watch him replace them in the drawer, lock it up tight and then take off into the new day with the key in his pocket. Tea had tried many times to see the contents of that drawer, but somehow, it felt like a breach of something…maybe it was his mother…or childhood snapshots from a time when maybe things were better…Starr…sometimes her heart would ache as she let her mind fall into the trap of jealousy…someone else…Blair….Rebecca…some lost love that haunted him…

In any case, she never knew. It was just another part of him that she wanted to know. She convinced herself if she was patient enough, that someday he'd let her in to that drawer, and into his heart. Once in a while, she would reveal herself, tell him that she couldn't sleep, and she'd sit with him, watch a little television or try a little light conversation, but on those nights she always felt like an intruder. She wanted so much for him to come to her, so she'd know. Full of so much doubt, she never knew what was right anymore.

She had missed those nights. Maybe he wouldn't let her close enough to share it beside him, but she still felt a part of it--The Watcher…taking in, even at a distance, the parts of him that were locked in the deepest parts of him. When she couldn't be close enough to even try to read him, it was like missing a part of herself.

And when she wasn't focusing on his demons is when her own would try to break through.

Tonight though, she didn't feel him there. The emptiness that her dream brought only intensified with the silence and stillness that she found downstairs. She sighed, and flipped on the light switch.

"Todd…where are you?" she asked the darkness, her voice distraught. Something wasn't right. It felt as though the night was closing in on her…

Dark clouds, overshadowing the sun…

Distance…watching him disappear into the fog.

She had a feeling that things in dreams were trying to cross over into reality. The darkness chilled her to the bone.

*****

The first early shots of light were breaking through the night when Tea contemplated the phone for the umpteenth time. There had to be a way to find him. If only she could at least hear his voice, he could tell her anything he wanted. Somehow, she needed to be convinced that he really hadn't been swallowed up by the fog. The image refused to disintegrate, and she could see it as clearly after waking as she had in her dream state.

She hesitated, though. To search for him took a step back in a direction that she wasn't sure how he would react to---Seeking him out as if she had some claim on what he did or where he went--- Tea paced furiously, wearing out her own path in the carpet. She didn't notice how many times her own path crossed over his well worn one.

To call him…to look for him…That would…mean something. It would shatter an illusion, one of smoky mirrors that we've been creating. I created? No matter, they're there, right? What's real…what's not…it's all so confusing…I don't even know what is my own game at this point…and what's real…the hidden, the revealed…protected hearts…protected from what though? Have you stopped hurting? Haven't you only hurt more? Maybe…maybe he's waiting for you…or maybe he's waiting for you to disappear…the lie is the truth and the truth is the lie…Huh?…where did that come from?

Her mind carried on its own incoherent ramble as she stared so hard at the receiver she thought it would explode into a million pieces from her gaze.

"Damn it, Delgado, stop conversing with yourself. You're not the one you need to be talking too."

She pounced on the phone. In pouncing, a loose piece of paper floated gracefully to the floor, hovering in a draft as if to catch her attention.

Tea contemplated it as if it was a foreign object. She saw her name. His name for her…Delgado…the damn thing was sitting right there all along, calling to her like a beacon and she'd been arguing with herself. Her heart jumped for a moment…he had left her a note. He didn't just walk out this time…he considered her. Now she argued with her thoughts about the note, almost unable to read it. One didn't leave a note before walking off into the fog, though, she noted, a sigh of relief and a hopeful smile on her lips as she began to read.

*****

Delgado,

You've got a kick ass headache, I can feel it. You'll find the aspirin where it always was. Take some. And don't give me that look.

There's something I have to say, only I don't really know how to say it. You know how it's always been…me and the words. You're the fast talking lawyer. I'm the newspaper guy who leaves the part with words up to everyone else. I know, I know…I'm getting there.

When I was a kid, I liked to walk on the edge of things. {Stick with me, this has a point…I hope…whatever.} You know, brick walls, curbs, furniture, ledges and stuff. I didn't care if I fell. How far could it be, right? These old bats…(scribbled out) Old people were forever pulling me off of things and giving me the line about how I was gonna brain myself one day. Then they'd get pissed, cause I'd look at them right in the eye and laugh, and they'd catch me doing it again the next week, only something higher, raising the stakes. They'd tell me, "some day I'll get to say I told you so, Todd Manning." That's me. Yeah, but you knew that. Then they'd leave me to it, like I was a lost cause. It's the way it had to be.

That's the way it is, Delgado. Some things never change. I still spend every day walking on the edge, only there's these deep, dark, bottomless pits on either side of the cliffs I walk nowadays... this isn't child's play anymore. And something else is different. Every time I turn around, you're behind me, and you're trying to keep up. You want to be with me, but you don't know what it's like to be me. You're not used to the edge, and you're going to fall. And I'm going to have to watch you fall. We were falling back into it tonight---you know it and I know it, and I know you know it. You're playing a game, Tea, messing with darkness, and it's one you can't win cause you don't get the odds. Go back to your safe little world. It's where you belong.

I don't think we should see each other any more. I don't mean you shouldn't be a part of Shorty's life. She's crazy about you, and that's different. What you built with Shorty, that's safe. What we've been playing with…it's playing with fire, Delgado. And if anyone knows what it feels like to be burned, it's me. Fire is mesmerizing, but it's also deadly when you get too close.

You are not like me. You're different. You've always been…different. You believe in things…you think you see something, and you almost make me believe, but in the end, it's all pretend. Fantasy-land. We're living in a land of illusions…delusions…but the bad stuff is real. If you fall, I can't turn into your winged savior and come rescue you…you'd fall for real. We've got to go back to reality again. And reality means me, doing my thing, and you…you need to do yours. There will never be a happily ever after for us, Tea, don't you see that? I don't do happy. There's still time for you, though. Leave me to my ledge-walking---all I know is on the edge. Something tells me you won't be at a loss for a winged savior or two to come and carry you out of the dark. You let your eyes grow accustomed to the dark and you think you can see clearly in it, but things are always more real in the light. You're only seeing what you want to see, letting your mind play tricks on you. You've got…(scribble)…there's so much…(crossed out)…You deserve more. This isn't your world. Maybe we just need some distance between us for you to see that.

Go find what's in this life for you and make it yours. Step back from the edge and move on.

-----T

She let the wrinkled sheet of paper drift back down to the floor, the black ink in rivers here and there, though she wasn't aware that she'd been crying.

He had stepped so far into the fog she knew he wouldn't hear her if she called. Even more frightening, she was sure he would stand by his vow and keep on walking, not looking back again this time. Todd was lost to her, and in that, what he didn't realize, is that she would disappear into a fog of her own.

*****

A solid hour outside of Llanview, Todd watched the highway stretch on endlessly before him, disappearing into the mist in the distance. With a sigh, he leaned back against the leather seat. Never before had the road ahead felt so lonely.

*****

Flutter Girl
~Chris Cornell

I'm drinking dust
With eyes of rust
Tonight my tears might stain your wings
So flutter home
Cause you're better off alone than with me
So hide your face
And tie your lace
And butterflies across your cheek
Forget how soon you become a fool for words I speak

Flutter girl, you don't wanna know what I live
You don't wanna take what I give
Cause I give nothing for free

My hands are rough
My fingers cold
And you're heart so young and so naïve to ever feel for a moment
That I might dare to believe
I'll tear your wings as I melt your smile as I run all your colors away