*****

Todd tapped lightly on the bathroom door.

"Delgado? Delgaaaado? You need anything in there? EMS, maybe? A stomach pump? Life support? Hey…Delgado?"

Todd was pacing nervously in the hallway. Tea had disappeared behind the door what seemed like ages ago, and there had not been a sign of life since. His mind was starting to conjure up reasons for the silence, and they were too terrifying to stand by a minute longer without knowing.

"You've got a three second warning to pipe up, Delgado, or I'm coming in! Give me a sign that you're still conscious in there."

Todd stressed out for the allotted time limit, but his stressing was only met by the same silence. He geared himself up…it was time for action. Tentatively, he turned the doorknob.

"Everything you want to stay Victoria's Secret better be covered up." Just in case, he walked in sideways, his hand over his eyes but with enough space between two fingers to peek like a bad little kid wanting a glimpse of the forbidden if it was there to be glimpsed.

Tea was half draped over the edge of the bathtub, sitting on the floor in the corner, her cheek resting against the cool tile. She opened one eye halfway in response to the click of the door, but closed it just as quickly as soon as the light intruded.

"What's with playing dead and freaking me out like that with the silent treatment?"

"Who's playing? I'm a lawyer, not an actress."

"Same thing. Whatever the role, you did a great job of convincing me you were dead on the floor in here. Guilty, case closed, now stop fighting with me."

She flashed him a quick apologetic look for making him worry.

"That's better. Now, not that I'm not really enjoying this touching hug between you and my bathtub, but…you look terrible…can I…do something? Maybe I can get you to the bedroom…" He paused, fidgeting nervously and shuffling from one leg to the other. "Just, you know, because it's more comfortable…the bedroom…I mean, for someone who's sick…like you are…for you to sleep in…alone." He gave up and averted his gaze in an attempt to appear nonchalant. She nodded, directing her gaze back to studying the patterns on the floor after searching his face deeply, wondering if there was something beyond the words that she was supposed to hear, or if she was just reaching like he'd convinced her in times past. It was like watching whatever made him backpedal engaged in fierce battle with something else….something she saw behind his eyes.

SHIT! Why does it have to be this hard? Why is she looking at me like that? Delgado and the bug eyes…I can't say what I want to say, and even if I could say it, would she want to hear it?

Todd felt like punching his own reflection in the glass of the mirror in frustration. Instead, he swallowed past the feelings that rose up in him and tried to steel himself to play more of the game. It was his own creation, a calculated mix of Pretend and Hide and Seek A game that he'd been forced to become a master at to survive 'intact'. The feelings that were struggling to surface, they had to go away, go away, go away…

Go away, go away, go away…

He repeated the phrase lately, again and again, like a mantra. If he didn't believe it, how could he convince her? Unless…unless she was already convinced. Did she want nothing more than to be nowhere near him right now? Did she feel trapped in this room with The Beast?

He had to exude disinterest to do this right. Totally unaffected. The ultimate irony was that was never more impossible than when she lost her own armor, and sat in front of him more vulnerable than he knew she wanted to be.

And when he had to touch her…when the feelings flowed unchecked between them like an electrical current that went beyond Hide and Seek to become something more---some stronger truth…impossible to play the game…

With a boldness that was almost exaggerated to combat the hesitation he felt on the outside, he extended his hand down to her to help her up. He was sure he was shaking inside as he watched her carefully consider the whole business, but he tried to assume an almost icy attitude on the outside, in an attempt to fool her, and himself, into thinking that fire wouldn't be there when she took his hand in return.

Don't let her see me for what I am…

The thought came into his head, without being summoned, and he was unsure how he meant it.

Tea felt the ice prick at her own heart as he stared coldly off into the distance, his eyes flashing with…something. An odd mix. Like an inner duel playing out within their depths yet again. She was too weary of it all to try to sort out the confusion, and placed a tentative hand in his own.

Todd swallowed hard. It was all there, just as he knew it would be.

Fight it, fight it…you have to fight it

"No, Delgado, look…you've got to leave the bath tub behind…"

She shook off her own feelings…that sense of being hit with ice water…an unconscious awakening…where you don't have time to justify why it's cold, it just is. She let him help her up.

"Dizzy?" He asked, as she swayed a bit. He didn't release her hand. She nodded. "You're not gonna…um…is it safe to leave this room?"

She couldn't resist making a face at him but then nodded at that also. He started to guide her down the hallway towards the bedrooms. He was barely touching her but he felt so much, and he wanted to know more.

"So I guess the whole 'Know When to Say When" campaign had no real effect on you, huh?"

"Hey, I don't do it often, and when I do, let's just say that I know how to do it right…all or nothing. And the hours of numbness…it was worth it. The escape was worth it all. Sorry to have ruined your night, but I told you, you could have left me…"

"We've done that already, haven't we?" He steered her into his room. "In here…Sleep wasn't on tonight's agenda for me anyway. I've got things to take care of."

I want to take care of you more than anything else…

They had reached his room, and she stopped in the doorway, afraid of the impact of emotions that she knew would hit harder when she crossed that threshold. It was like stepping into a dream that wasn't hers to claim. Like some sick irony getting its kicks off on the time and place…the temptation…when it was most impossible.

Sure, you can sleep in his bed…but you have to be bombed out of your mind and totally useless for anything but passing out to be there…

She sighed heavily, clinging to the doorjamb as he walked in past her, not privy to the mental battering she was giving herself as she stayed behind.

In a flurry of action he started tossing extra pillows aside, and she watched in something of a daze as they bounced off of furniture and whizzed past her head. He pulled down the blankets, turned to her, and pointed from her to the mattress.

"In," he directed.

"Oh, great line Todd. Right out of the Caveman Handbook. I bet that you've gotten the knees of many a girl to go weak with that one, too." She couldn't resist as she brushed past him. "You know, I really don't need your room. I should be home, and I would be there…" she nodded with conviction, "…if I knew where that was," she finished quietly, the whisper almost lost in the night.

Tea shook off the moment of what she considered weakness, embarrassed. She moved past him and stood before the bed, just staring. She swallowed hard, feeling his eyes on her. She was so afraid of losing herself in that dream. Gently, she ran a finger over the sheets of his bed, the ache of longing for things to be different, for this moment to be more real, almost overpowering.

"Um..the sheets are clean, Delgado…Nothing has changed. I still don't sleep much."

She glanced back at him, catching that flash of something…she wanted to help him sleep. She wanted to calm his demons and ask him to hold her until the light broke through and they had both survived the long cold night together.

All just fruitless hopes and desires…

Tentatively, she crawled into his bed, feeling the coolness of the sheets and sensing him…feeling oddly surrounded by him or the essence of him by being in the spot where he slept, when sleep found him. She closed her eyes to it as she settled back against the pillows, trying to block it out and stay focused on what was real.

Todd looked at her, and then walked out of the room, feeling her eyes burning into his back. He returned quickly with a warm washcloth and stood over her, only to ceremoniously 'plop' it on he head. She jumped, and then gave him a wry grin, the humor of it all returning some sense of control.

"Gee, Todd, I do appreciate it, but you could have squeezed it out a little, don’t you think?" She bit her lip as soon as it was out, but she couldn't help it. Her head felt like someone was beating out a steady rhythm with a hammer on her temples and that didn't go well with the feeling of bitterness at life, and fate, and the way things were…and him, right or wrong.

"You've got a big list of demands for someone who carelessly threw a man from his own bed and barely pulled off being apologetic about it."

"I know I'm a little out of it, but that's not the way I remember it," she said quietly. Wondering if she said too much and broke their unspoken rule of avoiding the hard core issues between them, she attempted to backpedal with a joke. "Was your favorite subject in school Revisionist History?"

"It wasn't at the time, but maybe that's how I remember it now, so…sure."

She cracked a small smile. As it grew, she cringed. The hammer struck harder on the heels of the activation of the smile muscles.

"See, that will 'learn' you. You mess with the master, and the little hangover elves are going to start dancing on your head that much harder to get back at you." She had her eyes closed, and he tentatively reached out to reposition the warm cloth on her forehead.

"Todd, how do you do it?" She whispered, breaking the silence. He felt a pull within himself at the vulnerable tone which had entered the question.

"I might be able to give you a manual if you tell me what 'it' is."

"How do you keep going when the world seems to hold no place for you? When it turns its back, when it kicks you when your down, when even the one thing that you thought you could do to get on with your life aren't there for you to lose yourself in? Where do you lose yourself…or find yourself…how do you find the sense again?" The conversation had turned serious again so suddenly, that panic immediately rose within him, and he struggled with how to react.

"Delgado, is this about what happened today? Since I…since I met you, I've never known you to throw in the towel and give up in the face of defeat. You fight for things, Tea, that's what you know, it's what you do. You've got strength, and you've got heart, and you take that, and you use it. It's just one case, and it doesn't have to be over."

"It's not one case…it's everything." Her voice was fading, and she was beginning to talk from a place that wasn't entirely conscious. "No compass, no clear destination…"

"You're going to let this one set back take you down? No you're not. I…know…you. That's not you."

"You don't understand. I failed…big time, all around. It's like everything I believed, everything I felt, all my motivations and driving forces are just…wrong. Nothing of sense left to carry me above the senselessness. No grounding place. No light to follow---a heart, a mind, and intuition---all compasses that are broken, Todd, screwed up. It's like, I'm without a leg to stand on. My perspective on all fronts is shot. I don't…I can't…I…I'm talking out loud, aren't I?…I gotta shut up now." She leaned back heavily into the pillows and shut her eyes with a deep resounding sigh.

Todd just sat watching her from his place on the bed, trying to put together all the pieces of scrambled logic she'd just put before him like a puzzle, to make the one solid image he was grasping at that he knew was imperative to understand right now. It was like a knowledge held just out of his reach, or a truth he knew but had to keep at a distance.

For the moment, he pushed it aside as he noticed all the tension that gripped her now. Gently, he took the damp cloth that now was laying next to her on the bed, and he left her to go run it under some warm water again.

Tea opened her eyes again to find herself in a dark room, alone, with only the sounds of her own slow even breathing, and all at once she was suddenly thrown into a panic that she thought she had escaped long ago.

All alone, with only that hole in her stomach, the one that threatened to swallow her whole..

Unconnected. Unloved---the curse of the forgotten and the left behind. Nowhere to belong. She wanted so much to belong with him, and him with her.

The pain of it all welled up in her chest until the tears that followed were inevitable.

Footsteps and his presence made her squeeze back the remaining tears and hold her breath to make it all just disappear. He couldn't see her anymore, because then, he'd know.

She didn't want him to know how much she ached for the missing parts of her especially he who had taken a larger percentage of her than she ever imagined she had to give and replaced it with all of the feelings that she had for him. All that had to be hidden. Her great mistake. Believing.

"I…I thought you had left." She whispered into the darkness, cringing at the hurt that laced her words. She had always been the first one found in hide and seek.

"Just went to get this…" Todd gently placed the warm washcloth across her forehead.

"There's been too much leaving…you know? For both of us, Todd…too much leaving."

Gently, he ran a finger across her cheek, an action so light that still warmed her with a sense of much needed connection and comfort from head to toe as she dropped off to sleep.

"I know, Delgado…I know."

He sat there, watching her. Carefully studying the steady rise and fall of her chest with each breath. She was so alive, and yet something didn't feel right. Listening to her, it was like watching a flower wither before his eyes. He let her go to live. But this…this wasn't right.

But I'm not crushing her, right?

He got up and began to pace, his gaze still focused intently on her, as if the combination of movement and searching her sleeping form would bring him the answer he sought. He didn't realize he was giving his thoughts a voice, as low as the whisper that broke the stillness was.

"This isn't how it was supposed to be…this isn't….Look, Delgado, you were supposed to use those wings to fly…far the hell away from me… but it's like your crashing down, right at my feet. You can't do this, Tea. I won't let you. You're free, don't you understand that? You can do anything you want to do, be anything you want to be. You have to go on like you were…as if you never met me, as if we never had any of…this I only take you down, don't you get that?" He paused, as if waiting for her to answer, and was met only by silence. He looked at her, draped in a beam of moonlight that danced over her form from the window. "So I'm unloading here and you pick now to give me the silent treatment? Your never silent, Delgado. That mouth…that mouth of yours, it never stops." He stopped again, covering a slight laugh, before turning serious again. "You've always got the words."

Todd wandered closer to her side, and he kneeled down beside her. "That mouth…" Like a magnet, he was drawn to her, his face now within inches of hers.

"God, Tea, you intoxicate me," he said, in a whisper that shuddered from his lips. It was all that he wanted to say when she was awake, and just the kind of thing he knew he couldn't reveal if he was going to let her go.

So close…He felt her breath against his cheek. The desire to kiss her burned so deep he couldn't fight it. He wouldn't wake her…As if in slow motion, he moved closer to her, pressing his lips lightly against hers---once---twice---in a series of feather light kisses. Feather light…while she slept, he could be her guardian angel. And when she woke, he'd be that again. But for tonight…in sleep, she wouldn't know…God, he wanted to wake her! He just watched her, as he ran a lock of her hair between his fingers.

This isn't pushing her away! You have to walk away before…before you both go down in flames. You'll destroy her!

He heard those words repeated in Peter Mannings voice, running again and again through his mind like a broken record. He covered his ears, and he jumped back from Tea as if he already felt the flames shooting out from himself and trying to lick her flesh. Trying to consume her. He was cursed. It would happen.

---Maddening pacing---That caged tiger flashed back into his mind's eye. Caged Spirit. Power Restrained. Freedom bound. Love made dark. Life tainted. Cursed.

He walked out into the hall and punched violently at the air, at the unseen enemy, the source of the nightmare and the dictator of rules reaching out to touch his life even from the grave.

Trying not to punch the wall. He didn't want to wake her. He dug his fingers into his own palms so hard he felt the skin beginning to tear under his nails. His father was everywhere at once, and the curse was a living, breathing entity once again.

"You are pure destruction. You don't have to carry the gene to carry the legacy. I made you…I pass this to you. I've made you what you are and you cannot escape nor transcend you're destiny. You are a destroyer, created to leave everything in your wake shattered and broken."

The speeches had been drummed into him again and again. He slumped to the floor outside her door, shaking violently and trying to calm himself, trying desperately to lock it out.

Tomorrow…

Tomorrow morning, he had to go to New York. The informer was waiting on him. It would be just the time to get away. Distance. Time to think. Time to figure out how NOT to need her. He would look to tomorrow to tell him how to stop loving her.

But Tonight…He wouldn't allow anything to touch her tonight. He would just be near her, just one last time. Todd wanted to sit next to her and feel all she was…one last time.

She didn't even stir when he sauntered back into the room. Barely touching her skin, he stood over her again, and ran a trembling finger over her jaw line. He stepped back for a second, to study her, and when she still didn't move, he tentatively entered her space again. Todd wanted to take in everything about her so he'd never lose it, and maybe sometimes, when everything was dark, the sense of her that he absorbed tonight would get him through to the next morning in all the tomorrows when she wasn't beside him any longer. She would be none the wiser for it in the morning, so it was safe. He brushed a finger over her lips. So warm. So alive. Still alive.

Safe now. Safe always.

You'll leave her to live…

His own heart tightened at the thought until he didn't know if he'd draw breath again without her.

"Tea…You've been there…you've been this calm…a force…in the darkness, since I met you. You've always been different like that. But I'm not different. I will always be what he made me, and that…that will hurt you someday when I'm not strong enough. It's stronger than me Tea…this Thing. You're not scared, Delgado, and that makes me scared. You don't see the monster, and that blindness will get you killed. You're not scared…" he repeated, as the tears which would never be allowed in the light of day in front of seeing eyes fell and dampened her hair. "..and that scares me, and makes me love you, all the same."

Still kneeling on the floor beside the bed, he put his face down next to hers on the pillow, his forehead gently resting against hers, and he let himself feel her.

Let tomorrow tell him how to get through the days without her. Tonight would have to last him the rest of his days.