*****

Tea cringed every time Todd took a curve, one hand held up to her head in an attempt to stop the spinning, the other with fingers practically imbedded in the plushy interior. If she had the presence of mind, she knew that she should be thinking of a way to get out of this. Had she been clear enough to begin with, she never would have let it get this far. Before she knew it, she had found herself being led to his car, even as she was still wrestling with the words…'you', 'me', and 'Penthouse'.

She darted a quick glance in his direction and found him returning the favor. His expression, illuminated by the soft glow of the dashboard lights, seemed to be one big wordless reprimand. Temporarily letting her anger override her increasing queasy stomach, she lowered her hand, jutted her chin out with all the pride she could muster, and glared back.

Todd turned his attention back to the road, but not in time to hide the quick grin that spread across his features.

That only infuriated her more. Her temper was even quicker when mixed with alcohol. She shifted to stare out the window into the flashes of the night. All too soon, they blended into dizzying swirls, and she slouched down further in the chair and closed her eyes, moaning slightly with the increasingly bad sensations that filled her person.

"That'll teach you to throw em back like a sailor…" He had meant to say something supportive, but somehow his intentions and the words got scrambled on the way to his lips.

Tea bristled. Since when did he have the right to scold her like she was a child?

"Thanks. Remind me when I asked for an excerpt of 'Life Lessons from Todd Manning.'"

In response, he swerved and aimed for a particularly interesting bump in the road.

"Todd! What the hell? Didn't you see that? Or are you trying to do me in here?"

He felt a stab of remorse when he got a glimpse at Tea's pallor. He slowed his speed and stopped messing around.

"Thank you…" She muttered after a few minutes of a much smoother ride.

"Yeah…well…I decided I value the interior of my car more than getting a rise out of you."

"You know, Mr. Manning, your sensitivity, as always, is overwhelming. Why didn't you just leave me down on the docks?"

Joking aside, his tone turned serious.

"That was not an option, Delgado. There's a big difference between messing around and the kind of danger you or someone else might have gotten you into back there."

"Since when do you have a claim on being my protector? To telling me what to do and what not to do? You lost all claim to 'I told you so's ', remember? That's the way you wanted it, so what's up with all of this, huh? Do you live to do this to me, Todd? God!" Her tone was full of pent up frustration.

Still, as soon as she said it, she wanted to take it back. She was just feeling too much these days…at the heart of it, total confusion…and she couldn't do it anymore--the push-pull of it all…she didn't want to hurt anymore, but it certainly wasn't her intention to bring any more pain on him either.

"Look, just forget it, okay? It's just…it's just been a hell of a day….a hell of a day…" Her voice faded as she leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes in an attempt to just close it all out.

He'd been there. He sighed inwardly, and he took it upon himself to see that the rest of the ride home was a gentle one. Home.

*****

Every once in a while she seemed so small…vulnerable, almost. It wasn't a side she freely showed to the world, so each time he caught a glimpse of it, he was still taken aback by it.

He looked at her now, as he parked the car in the garage, and watched her…studied her. She had fallen into a light sleep, and he was aware that he was barely breathing in order to not disturb her. If only for a few minutes, he wanted to play pretend.

Todd wanted to pretend that he was anything other than what he was. He wanted to pretend that life was simple…that they were simple, like every one around them. That the only decision that needed to be made was to love each other fully and completely without struggle or fear or reservation or all the damn ghosts making everything go so cold.

He wanted to pretend that he'd brought her home from a party they'd attended, like any other normal people would have attended on a night like tonight…and that like any other husband he could lean over and wake her with a kiss, and tell her "honey, we're home now"….that she would smile, and take his hand as he helped her out of the car, and he would wrap his hands around her waist as he guided her towards the elevator. He wanted to pretend that once the elevator doors closed and they found each other alone, without reservation she would reach for him and kiss him softly, look into his eyes and tell him what a good time she'd had and how proud she was to be there with him, with the look of many a shared secret in her eyes. And he would kiss the smile on her lips in return and take it to a new level of feeling, sweeping her into his arms, thanking her without words by carrying her off the elevator and into their home--- Into their 'home', where he'd lead her upstairs to their room…to their bed…the place of the most intimate soul sharing, deep whispered conversations in the dead of night, and the kind of conversation that needed no words, where they would let their bodies say things that words could not. He wanted to undress her slowly, lovingly…as he whispered all of his hearts secrets to her…only to her. Without fear. He wanted to touch her…without thinking he would break her like a china doll. He wanted to make love to her slowly and endlessly…without thinking it would destroy her…wanted to live every second with her and for her…letting her heart be his and his be hers….

Till death do us part…

But that was the kind of world that belonged to other people. The kind of life that would happen inside one of those little houses that lived inside the snow globes he bought for Starr to make her smile. That was for his dreams, and for other people's reality…in a world without fear, and the past, and consequences, and…the bad things---the things that went bump in the night…and stalked him by day, never waiting far away. A world where the monsters don't wait for you under the bed. Where they don't wait to claim you and make you become the pawn to destroy everything you touch that you promised to love, to honor, and to cherish. His father had used him. He had promised him in turn that he would bring down hell itself on whatever he let near him.

And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do

And I have the sense to recognize
That I don't know how to let you go…

He sat staring, his fingers digging into the steering wheel with the force it took to keep from touching her. To keep from reaching over and toying with that lock of hair that fell over her eyes…her hair was so soft…her skin so smooth, and warm with the life that flowed through her…the heat of her body…that fire that was her…

The thoughts that had a firm grip on him now had taken total control. He had to pump up the air conditioning…yeah…that would do it….stare at all the little knobs and dials on the dashboard….

Pace…he needed to pace….He made a quick move to get out of the car, and he jabbed her hard with her elbow trying to wrestle off his seat belt.

Smooth Manning…real smooth…

Her eyes flew open and she closed them again just as quickly.

"You ARE trying to finish me, aren't you?" She muttered weakly.

"Huh? No…that was an accident…sorry….whatever." He went around to her side and yanked her door open. "Okay, out of the car, Delgado."

"Not while it's still moving…" She shook him off. "I think I'll hang out here."

"With the things that go bump in the Parking Garage? I don't think so. On your feet, Sailor."

"Now you made me seasick…bastard."

"Boy are you fun when you're trashed."

"I bet you think I haven't heard that before."

He felt his face flush at the implications behind that one, and he spent a few minutes watching how the shadows danced on the wall of the garage. Todd ran a hand through his hair, and then made up his mind. He grabbed her hands and started to pull her out of the seat. He had forgotten to undo her seat belt.

The smooth Cary Grant maneuvers in his dream were already mere memory. Instead of pulling her dramatically into his arms, she just sat there like a trapped rag doll. One with a green color about her.

Bring her home, Manning….take care of her, one last time….great idea. Working like a charm. Just like an American Movie Classic moment in time…

He had to reach across her to undo the belt. He moved quickly, but brushed up against her regardless. Felt the heat of her body. Paused. She squirmed a little.

She can't even be near you anymore…

He backed out of her space, and stood back as she struggled out of the car.

*****

She felt like a fool. He stood watching her as she tried to get her legs under her and she fought to pretend like she could hold her liquor better than it appeared. He was watching her, intently, so she took a deep breath and tried to look as pulled together as she could.

It was more than the alcohol---He had left her weak. Just coming into her space like that---it did things to her. But he had jumped back, as if brushing against her had poisoned him. She was so tired of feeling like a poison. She'd dreamed for so long that she could be the antidote, but, as she glanced up and saw him standing there, avoiding her eyes and waiting on her as if she was keeping him from better things, she decided that would have to go down as the biggest lie she'd told herself yet. He started on ahead of her, and with an inner sigh, she followed meekly behind.

Tea knew she had to keep her head on as straight as she could. She was about to be in the Penthouse. With him. Alone. Like so many times before. But every time it was harder. It was harder to convince herself that what she wanted and what was were two different things. It was hard to be with him, and yet not be a part of him. It was impossible to be in the place that felt like home and to understand that it would never be hers. It was harder to silence the dreams of what could be and accept what was.

It was so damn hard not to touch him. Not to beg him---to give her his world, his pain, his heart, his dreams, his love, his body, his soul, his thoughts, his dreams, to let her take it all in and make it a part of her too.

She slumped against the wall in the elevator, her head spinning with the confusion of it all. The same things, over and over, and nothing ever sorted itself out. It just grew until she couldn't make heads or tails out of it logically anymore. The lawyer in her failed her.

Analyze this… She laughed to herself.

That's what she did. She took a great big heaping problem and separated it, broke it down, threw out the junk, built upon what she needed to win, did a little spinning here, a few tucks there, and came out of it all with something that made sense and which would bring her client out on top. Once upon a time, she could read people and be their solution. Now she just felt like another cog in a hellish existence.

I don't ease his pain…I'm a big chunk of it…

The whole thing left her weak, and she began to sink towards the floor. As the elevator began to move, she wished herself at least comatose as her stomach dropped down to her feet.

Todd glanced at her, and impulsively moved to hold her up when she started to sway. She looked at him as she felt his arm come around her, supporting her weight. The lawyer's look. Trying to read him. He stared back, then blinked as the elevator dinged and the doors opened.

"Lighten up, Delgado."

"Sorry…I don't feel well. And I guess you should know that drinking makes me even more serious and grouchy than usual."

"Yeah, I guessed that, and thanks for sharing, but…I meant lighten up…you're like…dead weight here." She grimaced at him, missing the light that flashed through his eyes. He was teasing. There was nothing he wanted more than to sweep her off her feet at that moment.

He held her against him as he unlocked the door. She held tight to his other arm, and looking up at him from under her lashes, she was suddenly breathless, feeling his strength, and his body---wanting what she knew she couldn’t have all over again.

And while she was trying to decide what to do about that, how to deal with it….she was nauseous.

As soon as he opened the door, she pulled free of his arms, and ran up the stairs like a jackrabbit, while Todd just stood like a fellow rabbit caught in the headlights. He didn't know which way was life: running towards the light, or away from it…