*****

He’d search the world over for her if that was what it was going to take, but he wouldn’t rest until he knew that she was okay. "Operation Forget About Tea" worked in theory only...even there, he had to admit to himself that the odds were slim to none. She had him in her grasp forever, heart and soul. The shattered look on her face as she stood beside him in that Courtroom haunted him, and it gave him the resolve to retrace his steps multiple times across Llanview.

Todd was sure that he had been everywhere at least three times...to all of the places that belonged to her. Each time, with his heart in his throat, he’d wander to some favorite haunt of hers and expect to see her getting up in his face about stalking her or something...and the relief that came with the thought of finding her and finding everything ‘normal’ would wash over him. Each time, when she wasn’t there, his hopes were dashed and this strong sense that something wasn’t right gained that much more power. The hours in the day were steadily slipping away...so much time had gone by....time where anything could happen. He would be powerless to do anything until she was at least within his sight again. It seemed as if she had left the Courthouse and just disappeared into thin air. He needed to get to her to pull her from the shadows he sensed she was losing herself in. Todd didn’t bother to think ahead about how to do this without giving up his pretense that he didn’t care. He decided to cross that bridge when he got to it.

As the darkness crept in, he quickened his step until he was like a madman sweeping through the streets on a mission that only existed in his head. But it was his heart that was driving him...and something else...He could almost be convinced that it was love.

Now he was walking without direction, as if following some invisible compass. He found himself down on the Llanview docks, along the river. And that’s where he found her.

At first, he was sure that she was just a ghost vision conjured up by his thoughts. Standing with her back to him, looking out at the river, she was so still.

It might just be someone who looks like her....

He walked up right behind her, waiting for her to turn, but she didn’t. With a certain amount of caution, he reached out and touched her arm, and then caution faded to his protective anger.

"Delgado, what the hell do you think you’re doing down here after dark by yourself? Don’t you know what could have happened to you? You’re lucky it was just me who happened along and not some...."

In mid sentence, she turned to face him, and her eyes were so vacant...lost...and bloodshot. It surprised him so much that it stopped the tirade that he’d been using as a bravado shield. Silence stretched out between them and filled the minutes, with only the gentle movement of the water and the clang of the bells offshore to interrupt it. He wondered if she could hear the pounding of his heart as loudly as he could.

‘Would you care?’ She whispered into the darkness that quickly moved in and overtook them.

‘What?’ He was taken aback.

‘You heard me. Would....you care?’

He shook his head at her, perplexed. One thing was clear---her bloodshot eyes were not only the result of crying. The smell of alcohol was strong in the night air, and her words were terribly slurred.

‘If something had happened to me...if someone else besides you had happened along...what would it be to you, you bastard?’ Alcohol and bitterness were evident in each word.

He knew how he wanted to answer her. And he knew how he ‘had’ to answer her---

But he said nothing. Todd couldn’t force the false words past his lips this time. Not when everything in him was screaming at him to just take her into his arms and take her away from all of this...and to lose himself in her in return.

‘What are you doing anyway...checking up on me...?’

‘You always did have a big ego, Delgado. I didn’t know you’d be here. This is where you can find me at this time of night. The favorite hang out of NightCrawlers Anonymous. But you...you should stay away from here. Checking up on you wasn’t even on the night's agenda...’

‘Well good. Cause I can take care of myself. I’ve always taken care of myself. Tea Delgado looks out for Tea Delgado...’ She gestured wildly, her eyes flashing equally so. “I don’t need anything from you...don’t need anybody...’

She backed away from him a bit, staggering slightly.

‘Really. Because right now it looks like you could use a little help staying upright.’

‘You’re just so fucking smart....You and everybody else....’ She turned back to face the water. ‘You don’t know anything about me...If you did, you’d know I wanna be left alone.’

‘Not that I’d ever want to be mistaken for a knight in shining armor kind of character or anything, but I’m not leaving you out here like this. I'll risk the way the town will talk about me--the hero worship…’

‘You know, Todd, I really don’t get why it should be so hard. You’ve always been really good at leaving---leaving me alone at the Penthouse, leaving in mid conversation.."

...leaving me wanting you in ways I can never have you...

The last thought hung in the air but went unspoken.

‘You know something, you’re not very lady-like when you’re half in the bag. Actually, from the looks of it, you jumped head first into that bag and disappeared totally...’

‘Damn you....’ she spat back.

‘And see...that right there is exactly what I’m talking about...’

‘Damn you, Todd Manning…’ she repeated again, but this time, her voice lost all of its anger and strength as his eyes met hers.

. She was the first to break the contact, turning her back to him to face the water. She became almost mesmerized by the way the light danced across the surface. Todd did nothing to fill the silence, but just stood watching her. He was mesmerized by the way the light danced through her hair and over her body. There was a calm coming over her, and yet somehow it made him uneasy. She was more recognizable when she was digging in her heels and spitting nails at him. Suddenly, if he didn’t break the stillness, he was sure that something bad was going to come from it.

‘So the thing with the Court today---you can still come back and kick Gannon’s ass, you know that right? I mean, yeah...okay, get blasted and all, but you plan to jump back in, right? You’re not just gonna roll over and die on this, are you? That’s not you, Delgado. You’ve never let things go…’

Maybe that’s the problem, she thought to herself…

Only the gentle lapping of the water against the wooden pier answered his attempt to pull her outside of her thoughts. He couldn’t read them, and that scared him. He had always been able to read her-her eyes, her face, the way her body moved and reacted…

Just as he was about to try again, her voice broke in, sounding strangely far away.

“I’m afraid of the water...did you know that? I wasn’t always. As a child, I was drawn to it. It was turbulent, and moody...never stopped moving...changing...And I would get this sense like I wanted to become part of all of that...belong to it...tame it...But at the very same time, I was afraid of it. I was afraid it would make a claim to the little strength that I did have and leave me lifeless in return. It was hypnotic, and that kind of power--- you can lose yourself in it. Drown until you are nothing more…” She took several steps closer to the edge where the rail ended, peering over the side.

‘I can’t swim. I never learned how to swim...’ She had kicked off her shoes and dangled her toes over the side of the pier, closing her eyes, and feeling the wind through her hair.

He felt hypnotized watching her. He felt like he couldn’t move…couldn’t breathe…

Slowly, she raised her arms, like a bird who wanted to take off…to be free.

As if in slow motion, he saw her lean her weight forward towards the edge, and in seconds, he was there, his arms around her, steadying her, and also...he feared...holding her back.

‘What the hell are you doing?” His voice was unnaturally loud and broken.

God, what the hell was she doing?

“If you can’t swim...don’t go so close to the edge. What the hell were you thinking, Delgado?” He wrapped his arms tighter around her, almost crushing her to him.

‘The edge....’ she echoed, seemingly disoriented. He didn’t let go of her.

“Look at me! Look…at me!” He screamed at her, trying to get her to focus, turning he slightly in his arms. "No, Tea…no. Pull yourself together!” His voice softened as he met her eyes, and he pulled her against him until her head was leaning on his chest. He felt her body begin to shake uncontrollably, though the tears wouldn't fall. Unconsciously he realized he was whispering to her like he sometimes did with Starr, to soothe her after a bad dream.

I promise that everything is going to be okay….
You’re safe, you’re okay…
I won’t let anything happen to you…

He didn’t think first, but merely reacted to what his heart wanted to say.

She found herself clinging to him. When she let go, she knew she’d die inside all over again as it all came to an end again. His scent, his warmth, his body so near to hers, his arms around her…she found herself in the place she went to in dreams so often, and if she was about to wake up she wanted to carry him with her into her waking. Eventually, she realized that if it was going to come to an end, she needed to push him away before she couldn’t do it anymore. As if in slow motion, Tea pulled back from him, sure she was imagining it that he seemed reluctant to let her go. She tried to push the hair out of her eyes with shaking hands, and he stepped towards her, reaching out a hand to help her. Looking up at him, she tried to make sense of what was in his face.

Unreadable...He lived in a world of masks.

Tea sighed deeply. The despair in that sound was like a knife in his heart. Again, he’d done something wrong. He shouldn’t have connected with her like that...

‘I’m sorry...your shirt....’ She started awkwardly, sniffling and interrupting his thoughts.

‘Oh...whatever....That’s not the first time I let you use me as a Kleenex. I’m getting used to it.’

I’m getting used to holding you...I’m getting used to wanting you to lean on me...I’m getting used to feeling your body so close to mine, and wanting so much more than what’s mine to take...

She had lost herself in a memory. The first time she had let him see her at her most vulnerable, battered and broken from her argument with Blair that landed her in the hospital. A scene from long ago, from back when their journey was just beginning. Wishing she could go back there....she wondered if somehow, if they’d done something differently...if she had been different...better....It was all lost now. There was no power in ‘what ifs’. That fueled her bitterness again.

‘Well don’t...there’s no need. I’m stronger than this, you know. I can be stronger than all this...’

‘I know it...Tough as Nails Delgado...’

‘Don’t say that...just...don’t, okay? Damnit Todd, that’s so unfair! You make my heart go all soft like that, and then I turn around and ..are you so heartless that that means nothing to you? Is it all a game, Todd, is it funny?’ She hated herself for saying such things. Tea just wanted the pain to stop. She wanted to put an end to the hope if it was only given to be extinguished in the end.

‘Funny?" He questioned, his frustration building. "Funny...." Then the question became a statement of disbelief. Suddenly, Todd lost it. The confusion made of it all became one big jumble in his head that he couldn’t see past or push away anymore. How could she think he could lose one of the biggest parts of him and get a kick out of it? He began to pace, fighting the urge to hit the wall or do anything else that might scare her when she was already in a fragile state. He turned to face away from her, grappling with the demons of indecision and the push-pull struggle that he had to fight every time she was near him.

With his back to her, she felt the pain shoot through her like fire. Just another dismissal, another rejection. Combined with the alcohol, her temper was unstoppable.

‘You have nothing to worry about, anymore, Mr. Manning." She was reminded that she started out as an employee and was suddenly feeling certain that if it was up to him, it never would have gone beyond that. "It took a while, but I finally got it. So you can cut the act---the one where you pretend to care before taking ten steps back. Just take the steps now, Todd...and let them carry you far the hell away from me...’

Todd turned around and took several big strides towards her, and he met her eyes with a fire in his own that made her gasp. He grabbed her arms and held her close against him. He wanted to kiss her...with his face and his body so close to hers, the desire was evident beyond a shadow of a doubt. Her face registered her confusion. He reacted to that, closed his eyes, his hands running up and down the length of her arms as he fought the demons. The struggle ended in an unconscious compromise. Slowly, he leaned forward and lightly kissed her forehead, allowing his lips to linger for mere seconds, although it took every ounce of strength that he had to end it there. Slowly, he bent a little more, so that his lips were mere millimeters from her ear.

"I just want you to be okay---That matters to me more than anything else. Take whatever else you need to from this, but don’t lose track of that. You remember that. Feel that. Know it, Tea."

He whispered against her hair, his voice so low she had to strain to hear him as his sentiment competed with the gentle breeze in the night air. He was so near to her, she could barely think. She wanted to blame the shots she had thrown back one after another earlier at some seedy bar at the other side of town for the dizziness that overtook her. But while she was definitely feeling the effects of the drowning of her sorrows, she had to admit, if only to herself, that she was drowning more so in his presence--- The warmth of his breath against her ear---The gentleness in his words versus the fire in his eyes---the feeling of his lips burned against her forehead---The way the rest of her wanted to melt into him and have him melt into her until there was no fear and no boundaries, only a complete and total eclipse of souls and bodies.

As always, the confusion made itself known to both of them.

He pulled back from her. He had to get away to save her life---he had to be with her to feel alive. She needed to get away to save her heart---she needed him to breathe.

Where fear and confusion lurk in the night
And doubt threatens to steal your sight
When love seems lost and bitterness stronger
The hope you cling to with you no longer
Where strength is gone and sadness reigns
When no one wins and no one gains
Where sins of the past hold all the blame
And honorable intentions become a game
The heart grows dark and the dark grows cold
As the soul keeps secrets its never told
When your vision of the future fades to black
You cannot look forward, too afraid to look back...

They stood in a face-off each with the demons of the other, and of those that belonged to themselves.

"I need to get out of here," Tea muttered. "My head…I can't think…need to think…"

"The only thing one that's thinking for you now is Jack Daniels. I swear, Tea, if you ever pull a stunt like that again…."He paused, staring hard at her, the image of her 'attempt at flight' still causing him to tremble violently on the inside. He made a decision. "I'm not letting you be alone tonight. You're not clear enough right now to know which end is up, and I'm not taking the chance that you choose wrong. I'm taking you back to the Penthouse…to sleep it off."