*****

Todd drove the car in silence, every now and again glancing at Tea. She rested her head against the window, letting an occasional sigh pass through her lips. There were so many words that needed to be spoken between them, yet neither wanted to speak. Inevitably, something would be misconstrued...someone would be hurt. It was a cycle with them, even when they were married. Todd would shut down or lash out at her, and she would get angry right back. It was draining, emotionally and physically. They lost so much time because of words, his lies, his "not opening up," her unexpressed fear. If they could just push past the rain and clouds...break through to the sunlight, they would be okay. But it was the words that would lead them to that paradise.

Tea struggled within herself on a daily basis. Was she good enough? Was she normal? Did she emit some sort of "victimization" scent? Would she ever be able to "give" herself to anyone again? She constantly questioned who she was, and who she would become because of the ordeal she survived. She began to realize that the key word was "survived." She was breathing, yet she was walking around like a zombie, not recognizing that she was indeed alive.

Believe in it and trust it.

Todd stayed with her through the hardest time of her life. He didn't walk away, or push her away; he tried to pull her closer with his love…unconditional love. Surprised her really, how he rose to the challenge being strong when she couldn't be. The least she could do was try to meet him halfway, give him some of the support that she had given him. When it came down to it, he knew exactly what it felt like to be violated in that way. He was probably reliving every abuse he had suffered, for her, because of her.

She looked over at him, so sad and confused, compounded by her refusal to let him in.

Believe in it and trust in it.

"Todd, can we make a stop before we go home?"

"Yeah. Where to?"

"I need to go back to the docks…back to where it happened."

The car nearly careened off the road. He had been preparing himself to hear something much different from what she said. Maybe that she couldn't be with him, or she needed some time to herself, perhaps even that she was ready to move on with their lives…never that she wanted to go back to the scene of the crime.

"I need to confront it, Todd. I can't go on like this…we can't go on like this."

"I thought we were doing alright. I mean, you're getting better, I can tell. You don't have to go back. It won't do any good."

"I'm not doing okay. I have my good and bad days, but they're too few and far between. I can't keep running from it, or try to push it out of my system, I have to go back there."

"Tea-"

"Do this for me, please?"

"Yeah, fine, whatever, but I don't think it's a good idea."

*****

The Docks

Todd's eyes darted around the ally for anything suspicious. Uncomfortable would not even begin to describe what he was feeling inside. As he walked behind her, it was as if he could feel everything she went through that night. A strange chill came over his body, followed by an extreme rage.

"God damn it, Tea!" He grabbed at everything within reach, throwing objects as far and as hard as he could into the Llantano River.

Tea stood back, watching the wood, metal, and rocks, soar through the air with no particular destination in mind. She didn't try to stop him, didn't want too. Todd expressed her anger in a way that she longed to do, but would not allow herself that sense of release. Anger was not her thing, repression was. Todd was angry enough for both of them, fought the fight when she didn't have the energy to continue.

"You sonofabitch!" He yelled, flinging a crate into the river. "I hate you, you bastard!" When there was nothing left to be thrown, he thought of heaving himself into that river and sinking to the bottom. Instead, he walked away, to an old building, and threw himself against the wall.

Tea stood near the river, watching the objects fighting to keep themselves afloat. Just like her. If she could have, she would have gone to Todd and held him in her arms. That "bastard" that he referred too, was just as much for his father as it was for John Sykes. She wanted to just turn around and go back to Llanfair, save them both the anguish of talking about what happened that night. If she did that, she would be right back where she started from, still going through the motions. The only way she and Todd could move onto the "good stuff," was to deal with the "bad stuff." She took a deep breath, and joined him against the building.

It was against that building that John Sykes raped her. It was a few feet away from where she was sitting that she found her torn blouse. She began to tremble; her breathing was labored. You can do this. Relax. Breathe.

"Where'd it happen, Tea?" Todd asked in a soft and pained tone. He stared straight ahead, avoiding her eyes at all cost. If he looked her and saw the pain in her face, it would have killed him.

"Right here. Todd, I need to tell you everything."

"No, no you don't."

"But I do. Todd look at me, please." She waited patiently for him to turn his head, slowly, toward her. "I have to tell you the whole story about John."

"What?"

"I dated him when you left. It was nothing serious, but we did become, intimate."

Todd just listened, suppressing his anger, not at Tea but at himself for putting her in that position. If he had been more of a man, instead of a coward running away, it never would have happened.

As if reading his thoughts, Tea added, "It wasn't your fault. I should have been more selective. I should have picked up on all the warning signs, and believe me, there were plenty. When I first broke it off with him, he was pissed. He would call the house at all hours of the night, trying to win me over, talking about how we were made for each other. He would stop by my office, pleading with me to give him another chance, when I refused, he would get belligerent and talk about you. How horrible you were and how you caused me nothing but pain. I never thought he was a serious threat though, he was a cop for God's sake."

"Tea, don't try to make this your fault."

"I'm not, I just want to be completely honest with you. I was on my way home from the office the night it happened. I was going to go straight home, but I felt a very strong pull toward the docks. I would come here every once and awhile because I felt closer to you. You remember when you dove in to save my mother's necklace?" She smiled at the memory of Todd risking his life for a stupid little necklace, a necklace that meant everything to her. She had been scared to death that he had died and would never know how much she loved him.

"Yeah. I remember you nearly beating me to death because I had a mouth full of water and couldn't answer you when you were calling my name."

"Well, I was worried. I think that was the night I was ready to admit to myself, and to you, how I really felt. It was a special night for us, Todd, one that I will always cherish. When I would come down here, I felt closer to you. That's what I was doing that night, trying to feel close to you." Her eyes became misty as she recalled that night. "I don't know how long I was out here."

"Tea, you don't have to put yourself through this again. I don't need to know the details."

"But I want you to know. I want you to understand why it's so hard for me to love you the way that I want, the way we both want." She paused, looked down, then up into the night sky. A million stars and a full moon lit all of Llanview…light in the dark. "I didn't see anything…didn't hear anything until it was too late. I felt a pair of hands on my mouth and I struggled. I did fight, Todd, I scratched and kicked and hit…I tried so hard."

"I know you did." He tried to stop his tears from spilling onto his cheeks, but they came anyway. She did not deserve to suffer the way he had all his life. She was too good, too sweet, too innocent. He had to sit on his hands to keep from reaching out and holding her the way he wanted, the way he should.

"He was too strong. He ripped my clothes off of me, he ripped my heart out of me, he took almost everything from me that night. I couldn't do a damned thing about it, nothing but lay there while he broke me down and wore me out. I don't even remember all of it; it was like my spirit floated above my body, protecting itself. You know what?"

"What?"

"He didn't get it. He beat my body, violated me, hurt me more deeply than anything else I have ever experienced, but he did not get to my spirit. I am still here, and I want to live, I want to be happy again-"

"I want that for you too. You deserve it."

She reached out and wiped his tears away. "I want to be happy with you…only you. Right after it happened, I wanted to die. I wanted to just take myself out of my misery; everything was just too damned hard. Here we are, together, and I am actually able to talk about it. I was raped, and I don't want to sweep it under the rug, or try to deny it happened. I've been trapped within myself, for too long, I want to be free."

"Tea-"

"Shh…let me finish. It's because of you, your love, your support, your strength that this is even possible. I do want a future with you, I want to move out of Viki's, I want us to build a new life together, but it's not going to be easy. We're going to have to take baby steps, but I want to take them with you."

His internal alarm rang, as it always had during their relationship. Whenever things got too intimate, it rang, snapping him back to reality. She was too forgiving, too easy to let him back into her life. For weeks, months even, he allowed her to believe that he had DID, he left her on their wedding day, he had hurt her…all couldn't possibly be forgiven. There had to be a catch.

"What?"

"Nothing. Are you sure about this?"

"Yes, but you're not. Talk to me, tell me what's wrong?"

"You want me back after all I've done to you? You're ready to be with me, just like that?"

"I do want you back, but no, I'm not ready to be with you. I am ready to try to be with you. I'm not saying that everything is going to be okay with us from now on. What I am saying is that I am ready and willing to do the work, so that we can be together. You and I have a lot of talking to do, it's not just going to stop here. I know that you've been hurt very badly, in many of the same ways as I have, but I think together we can do it."

Todd stared at her, stunned that she was being so open after so many months of being completely closed off. She was sincere, meeting him halfway the way he had wanted. He looked at her face, through his tears, searching for any doubt in her eyes. There was none. She had not cried, her voice had not broken. She was the pillar of strength, sitting in front of him, the Delgado that he had grown to love more than life itself.

She had surprised even herself by her openness. She only intended on telling him about the rape, nothing about giving them another shot. The words spilled out of her, it was beyond her control. She watched him fidget in discomfort, his mind processing all of her words. He played with his hands, ran his fingers through his hair, attempted to reach out to her on more than one occasion, but pulled back. She was ready to meet him halfway.

She stood up, dusted the dirt off of her slacks and took a long moment. She extended her hand toward Todd and opened it. "Let's go home," she said, as he put his hand in hers.

*****

Llanfair
Evening

Todd and Tea's earlier conversation lifted the unspoken tension that both felt but could not mention. They pulled into the driveway, focusing on an unfamiliar car. Todd opened the front door, only to see Viki's smiling face in the study. There was another voice, a male voice, laughing.

"Tea, there's someone here to see you," Viki said, standing and meeting Tea in the foyer.

She really did not feel like dealing with anyone or anything other than sleep. Too many restless nights in a row were finally beginning to take their toll. With a heavy sigh and a distinct attitude of not wanting to be bothered, she asked who it was.

"Andrew."

Todd clenched and unclenched his fist, gritting his teeth. Andrew was a pain in his side, always had been. Todd immediately felt protective of Tea, remembering what happened between them. But things were different; they each knew how the other felt.

Tea looked at Todd, bracing herself for a tantrum. Her calmness soothed Todd. He said nothing, but she could see the anger brewing in his eyes. At any moment, she expected him to fly off the handle, screaming about how Andrew had no business being there, how she wasn't his, where he could shove his concern.

"Todd, um-" Tea began, searching for the words that would hurt him the least.

"No, if you wanna talk to him, talk to him."

"You don't mind?"

"Yeah, I mind."

"I'll leave you two alone so you can discuss this matter in private," Viki interrupted, rejoining Andrew in the study.

"I hate him Tea, you know that, but you're gonna do what you want anyway. Why's he here anyway? I can take care of you, we don't need him."

"I know you don't like him, but I am trying to rebuild a life with you, no one else. He's not here to win me, he's probably here just to talk."

"You don't know that."

"Trust me," she said softly, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Fine," he responded, stomping up the stairs.

She stood in the foyer for a minute, concentrating on her breathing. After what she and Andrew had, it was difficult to face him, which is why she had avoided him as much as possible. He was there as a friend, lending a shoulder, nothing more. Once she was relaxed, she went into the study, where Andrew and Viki were talking.

"Andrew, it's good to see you." Tea kept her distance, sitting on the opposite couch. Her legs were crossed, as were her arms…covering her chest.

"It's good to see you to. How are you?"

"I'm doing okay."

"Well," Viki began, "I'm going to look for that brother of mine." She gave Andrew a hug, "It was good seeing you again. Take care."

"Thanks…you too."

When Viki left the room, a silence fell upon them. Andrew stood in front of the fireplace, staring into the dancing flames. As many times as he had to deal with tragedy as a minister, it never got any easier. When it was a friend who was hurt, it was infinitely more difficult.

"I'm so sorry that it's taken so long for me to see you."

"It's okay, I haven't really been up to socializing," Tea said, uncrossing her arms and twisting the rings on her fingers.

"So, how are you…really?"

"I'm getting a little stronger everyday."

"Good. If you ever need anything, I'm only a phone call away. How have you been dealing with it? Are you seeing someone?"

"I am seeing someone, plus Todd has been great."

Andrew lifted his eyebrows in surprise. "Todd?"

"Yes…Todd. I don't think I would have made it as far as I have without him."

"God performs a miracle everyday."

"Does he?" Tea asked with a hint of sarcasm.

"You know he does, Tea. He gives us tests-"

"And did I get a passing grade?"

"It's not like that. Everything happens for a reason, you know that."

"No, I don't know that. Andrew, I don't understand how our so-called forgiving God, compassionate God, loving God, could test me with rape. Explain that to me." Her voice had risen, her anger getting the better of her.

"I can't explain it because I don't know. What I do know is that he loves you-"

"I feel like I'm in an episode of Touched by an Angel."

"It's true, he does love you. You may not see the purpose now, but it time, it will be revealed to you. Tea, you have to stop asking yourself why this happened, and start asking yourself what God wants you to learn from it."

"Andrew, I know you mean well, but at this point, I am so angry with God, the last thing I want to do is try and figure out His motives."

*****

Tea's Bedroom

As tired as Tea was, she could not fall asleep. For hours she had lay on her back, alternately staring at the ceiling, then at the clock. All that "God talk" with Andrew got to her. She just couldn't see any reason for her being the "chosen one," the one to be so viciously attacked. When she was a child, everyone told her how wonderful God was, how he was omniscient, perfect, so why would he hurt one of his own?

She didn't understand how Andrew could be so calm and so strong of faith. God had hurt him too, took his wife from him, his father, his brother, yet he still believed. Then again, he was a minister and that was his job to believe.

She had barely spoken two words to Todd after Andrew left, which was probably best. He needed time to cool off; she needed time to rest her mind. While the rest never came, they did manage a "goodnight," before separating for the evening.

Tea continued to toss and turn, becoming more aggravated by the minute. Finally, she gave up and got out of bed. She knew Todd was sitting in the hallway, just outside her door, as he had done so many nights before. She opened up her door very slowly, just in case he had been using it to rest on.

"Hey," she whispered to a wide-awake Todd.

"What are you doing up?"

"Couldn't sleep. Come in here and talk to me." She left her door open and got back into bed.

He hesitated, before following her and sitting in the edge of the bed. "So, what do you want me to talk about?"

"What's bothering you, and don't tell me nothing."

"You know what's bothering me. I don't understand why you felt you had to see him. Don't pretend it wouldn't bother you if Blair came around-"

"Blair is too selfish to want to help anybody else. Blair does things when there's something in it for her. Todd, Andrew only came by to offer support, if I needed it."

"And do you…need his support?" Todd watched her eyes carefully.

"I need support…yes…but knowing how it bothers you, I can do without it. He did say something very interesting though, and I've been thinking about it."

Todd rolled his eyes, turning his back to her.

"He told me to figure out what God wanted me to learn from this."

"Nothing…it's punishment for being with me. You're married to a rapist, so he wanted you feel what kind of man you're with."

No matter how many times she told him that it wasn't his fault, he would always blame himself. She tried every way she knew how to make him believe that she loved him, and did not, not for one second, think what happened to her was some sort of curse. "The kind of man that I'm with is a loving man, a generous man, an honest man, sensitive, caring…everything that I have ever wanted."

"You're forgetting some things…a rapist, abuser, manipulator, murderer, son of a bitch."

"No, you're not. I wish you could see what I see." Her heart broke for him, his self-loathing so all consuming.

"You need glasses," he joked. "Have you figured out what this great lesson is that you're supposed to learn?"

"Not yet."