*****

Llanfair
3 Months Later

Therapy had been a rocky road for Tea, and everyone around her. With each session, she revealed a little more of herself, sometimes, painful truths that would leave her depressed for days. She could "sleep off" the depression intoxication, waking, feeling more rested and closer to being whole than she was before. Little by little, she was beginning to put the fractured pieces back together again.

She and Carol started from the beginning, from childhood on up…not yet touching on the rape. Chronology, Carol said, was key. Carol made her dig deep into her psyche, way back into her childhood, searching for any patterns of victimization. Childhood was something she would rather have forgotten…for years, she was able to do just that. Through her dreams, she realized that she had not buried them quite far enough. They were hidden in shallow mass graves; Carol had the shovel, digging them up one at a time.

It was established early in treatment, Tea came from an abusive household. The beginning of the pattern. That abuse, both physical and emotional was what drove her mother away from her family. On a regular basis, she would wake to hear her father yelling at her mother, followed by the sounds of bone cracking against flesh. She would be drawn to the noises…tip-toeing down the hall…peeking around corners. Her mother would sometimes see her…hold her gaze…pleading with her eyes for Tea to just go back to her room. Being a willful child, she did not always do as her mother wanted. If her father saw her, he would go after her…she would run. Either Del or Jose or her mother would intervene, taking her "punishment."

In thinking about her father and running, Tea realized that was where she learned to become a master "escape artist." She had been avoiding, evading, running, ever since. From every relationship that she had ever had, to her job at a prestigious law firm in New York…whenever things got a little too "permanent," she lifted her roots and planted them elsewhere. Except when it came to Todd…with him she grew. Her roots were planted firmly in the ground, right next to Todd…mixing and mingling.

"Daddy" had left her with a bitter taste in her mouth. A bitter taste when it came to men. She tried anyway, despite her reservations about getting deeply involved with a man. Not only that, but she wanted, desperately craved, the attention and affection that her father was unwilling to give. He could not give her the affection that she sought, so she went outside of their home…to whichever man paid her the least bit of attention. She would feast off of the crumbs they through her way, filling her empty heart with the malnourishment of their "love."

What she knew of love was that it was supposed to hurt. Whether physically or emotionally…if it didn't hurt, it wasn't love. She remembered her mother's screams of agony in the living room being replaced by the sounds of pleasure in the bedroom. The whispered "I love you's," filtering through the thin walls, were the melody which put her to sleep, under the false impression that everything was back to "normal."

"I love you" made everything better. When a boyfriend called her stupid, but followed it with a sweet "I love you" and a kiss, everything was okay again. When, he took his frustrations out on her physically, a couple of tears and a few soothing touches later, all would be forgiven.

It all began with "daddy." Hard working…that was the one good lesson she learned from him. "Push until you have nothing more to give. When you're empty, refuel and start again." That was his motto. She thought it all had to do with work ethic, until she dissected his words and understood their many meanings. She played with them, squeezing words between them, twisting them, until she understood the hidden meaning. "Push (people…physically…emotionally) until you have exhausted yourself. Until you have pushed them to the brink. Refuel and start again (make love to them with your words, your body, anything at your disposal) until their guard is down. Then…bam…attack them again."

"Daddy" was never there. His work kept him busy during the day…his pleasure was his only priority at night. His liquor was his pleasure. Coming home, falling down drunk, was a nightly occurrence. She would hear the sounds of his footsteps, irregular, staggering, bumping into things late into the night. It was bad when her mother was home…worse after she left. He lived at the bottom of a bottle…Jack Daniels. She would hide under her blanket, attempting to block the smell of alcohol from entering her system. There was nowhere to hide…it weaved its way into her nostrils. Vicariously, she could taste the bitter liquid, feel it burning her stomach lining. All she wanted to do was vomit. But she couldn't leave her room for fear of becoming his target. She learned to keep a glass of water next to her bed to dilute the poison.

Everyone in her apartment building knew her father and what he was. She was the laughing stock…riding the elevator to the top floor and taking the stairs down into the basement. They humored her. "The little Hispanic girl who wishes she was one of us," they all said. She didn't fit in anywhere…a complete outsider. If she was smart enough, she thought they'd like her…so she devoured as many books as her head could hold. If she was pretty enough, she thought they'd accept her…so she always looked her best. If she was "white" enough, she thought they'd let her "in"…so she hung around them, tried to become one of them at the expense of her heritage. No matter how hard she tried, she was what she was…a Delgado.

Jose and Del did their best to shield Tea from their father's wrath. They took turns staying home with her, not as a babysitter, but as bodyguards. At the time, she didn't know that was their reason…they hid it well. Tea was the spitting image of her mother; a perfect "stand in." Del was especially afraid that one night, in a drunken rage, their father would kill her…mistaking Tea for her mother. Several nights, his rage almost became physical. One of the boys would step between them, yelling at Tea to go to her room and lock the door.

When Jose was old enough, he left. Packed up his things, left a letter for his brother and sister, and walked out. He became involved with the local drug scene, quickly rising to the top. He would meet with Tea or Del in private, slipping them money, or whatever else they needed. He stashed away enough money to send both Tea and Del to college, so they wouldn't have to resort to the depths that he had to. It was after they both graduated when he was busted by the cops and sentenced to life in prison. Tea was heartbroken, but under the orders of Jose, she never visited him in prison. "Not even a letter," he said. "Just pretend like I never existed." He told his young daughter, Roseanne, and his wife, Annarosa, the exact same things. They had no choice but to obey.

With strict determination, she declared that she would never love anyone again. She didn't see the point of loving when nothing ever lasted. Wasted energy. She channeled that energy into other things. Educating herself…rising to the top…beating the odds. Armed with a NYU degree and the IQ of a genius, she became a member of a prestigious New York law firm. It was satisfying for a while. Maybe the satisfaction came in knowing that she had "beaten the odds." A Hispanic girl from the basement apartment had no business sitting high atop a Manhattan high-rise, dictating to her own secretary, leading teams of attorneys, accruing hundreds of billing hours. She had reached the pinnacle of her career, was on her way to partnership, when she was decided to give it all up and move to Llanview. She had nothing left to prove to anyone…she had won the game.

*****

Llanfair Kitchen

The coffee was nearing the end of its brew cycle, filling the air with a strong aroma. The early edition of The Sun lay on the counter, wrapped in plastic…unopened. The house was quiet for once…Viki was out of town…Jessica was at the cabin with friends…only Todd and Tea remained. Her choice. Only weeks before, she could not fathom the idea of being alone with a man…even one she loved.

Todd was still asleep, allowing her a few minutes of complete solitude. With a cup of coffee in one hand, and the newspaper in the other, she sat alone at the kitchen table. She unwrapped the newspaper, glancing at the headline, shaking her head. She could not believe what Todd's beloved newspaper had become. The "edge" was no longer there…it was the same as The Banner and every other newspaper…boring. Kelly was a sweet girl, but "sweet" didn't cut it in the newspaper business.

She flipped through the paper, boring article after boring article. There was a time when she could read the paper for over an hour, skipping over nothing. Now, her eyes skimmed over the first paragraph or two, then moved onto the next thing.

The silence was broken by the sound of a creek in the floor. A month ago, she would have jumped out of her skin at an unexpected noise cutting through the quiet. She didn't jump this time, barely a muscle twitched.

Standing in the doorway…wearing a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, Todd watched Tea at rest. It wasn't often when he could just watch her…unmoving…quiet. He liked it. Her face was smooth, absent were the lines of worry or the frown of sadness. He wishes he could stay lost in this moment forever…times of complete relaxation were too far and in between.

"You just going to stand there or are you going to have a cup of coffee with me?"

"Yeah…yeah…is there any left?" He asked, strutting into the room, snatching a half-eaten piece of toast from her plate.

"Hey!" She playfully punched him in the arm as he went past her. "By the way…your paper is boring."

"Don't worry, I'll straighten it up when I get it back. Leave it to the Cramer's to screw up a perfectly good paper." Joining Tea at the table, he too skimmed the paper, then tossed it aside. "Ah!!!!!"

"I know."

Watching her easy body language, he debated whether or not to ask her a question that had been bugging him for a while. He wanted to move out. The longer they stayed, the harder it would be to leave. Besides, they needed their privacy. It had been three months since she started therapy… maybe it was still too soon. He had spoken to Carol about it; she seemed supportive…but stressed that he approach the subject very carefully.

"Hey Tea."

"Yeah?"

"I was doing some thinking-" He stopped mid sentence, searching his mind for the right words. Nervous, he stood up and began to pace.

"What is it Todd?"

"Okay…I know you like it here but I was thinking…you know…maybe it's time for us to move out." He stopped pacing and hopped onto the counter…legs swinging. She probably wouldn't want to move just yet, he thought, there was still so much to discuss about the status of their relationship. They hadn't even discussed what was going to happen between them. She was concentrating on her recovery…he was concentrating on being her strength.

"I know you hate it here," she began. Truth was, she didn't always like being there. It was nice, comfortable, and homey…but it wasn't "their" home. Oftentimes, she felt like everyone was watching her…waiting for her to reach the breaking point. So many pairs of eyes watching her made her feel both safe and uncomfortable at the same time. But being alone with Todd…day in and day out…was just as frightening. He had been nothing but supportive since the rape, but she wasn't sure what would happen once she "recovered." Would he go back to his same unpredictable ways?

"It's not that I hate it…it's just…I think I'm allergic to this place. I just get all itchy sometimes."

"You're probably allergic to Kevin…not the house."

"Yuck," he shivered.

"Todd, I'm not ready to leave just yet. I know it must be difficult for you to stay here with me all the time, but I can't leave…not yet. If you want to leave, I'll understand."

"Nobody's leaving this time Tea. If you're not ready…you're not ready." He tried to hide the disappointment in his voice. Doesn't want to be alone with the rapist.

"I just need a little more time."

"Yeah…fine…whatever."

*****

Carol's Office

Every week…twice a week…Tea and Carol had a "session." They had gotten off to a rocky start…Tea unwilling to open up…Carol unwilling to let Tea take the easy way out. Through persistence and patience, Carol was able to break down Tea's walls…brick by brick. It was to a point where Tea would volunteer information…she trusted Carol.

They had gotten into a routine…small talk for the first ten minutes…business the next fifty. Tea needed those first few minutes to loosen up.

As soon as Tea walked into Carol's office, she knew that it was going to be a difficult session. More difficult than usual. She dreaded bringing Todd up…preferring to work out their problems at home. But she needed to talk to someone about her feelings. Todd had raped. She had been raped. In the back of her mind she questioned whether or not she should love someone who had brutalized someone so savagely. She was well aware of his past before she agreed to marry him…but back then it was just a business deal. When they fell in love, his past wasn't even a consideration…it wasn't an issue. Suddenly, loving a rapist was at the forefront of her mind.

"How are you today, Tea?"

"I have a lot on my mind today. Todd suggested we move out of his sister's house." The "we" sounded strange. She hadn't referred to she and Todd as a "we" in over a year. It seemed odd, especially the way that things ended, that they would be contemplating their living arrangements.

"And what did you say?"

"I told him that I wasn't ready." Inside, there wasn't fear of him being violent with her…raping her…it was a different fear. Maybe it really wasn't a fear at all…maybe more of a concern for her sanity. What kind of a person stayed with a man who committed such a vicious crime…especially when she was a victim of the exact same sort of violence?

"Why aren't you ready?"

"I'm just not healed enough."'

"That sounds reasonable, but I am sensing something else."

Tea's face dropped, like a child caught in a cover-up. Essentially, that's what she was doing…covering up the truth to spare Todd more pain…to spare herself of more pain. "It is more than that."

"Tell me about it."

"What does it say about me if I go back to a man who raped someone?"

"Hmm…I don't think it says anything about you. Tea, you fell in love with a man with a complex and painful and violent past…past. Do you think it's wrong to love someone who has done something horrific in his past?"

"No, but this is a special case."

"How's that?"

"Well, I was the victim of the same crime he committed. Don't you find that a little odd?"

"Do you?"

"I don't know."

"How do you feel about him?"

The question hung in the air like an echo in an empty cave. Tea could be honest in the comfort of the therapist's office. She was shielded…protected…safe. "It's so complicated. When Todd and I were married the first time, it was nothing more than a business deal. But the longer I lived with him and the better I got to know him…we started to have feelings for each other. I needed him…like I needed oxygen. He flowed through my veins and in my heart and in my soul. A love like that doesn't just die or diminish. It's forever."

"Then believe in it and trust it."

*****

Todd sat in the waiting room, as always, reading a magazine, as always. He would get antsy and head to the cafeteria for a cup of bad coffee. Ben somehow managed to be there at the exact same time as Todd. They would end up talking about one thing or another and lose all track of time. At first, Todd didn't want to have anything to do with Ben…but after talking to him a few times…he realized that he wasn't so bad. Still didn't trust him though.

This day was no different. After wandering down the hospital halls, he made his way toward the cafeteria, for another awful cup of coffee. In his usual booth, Ben drank his coffee and read the newspaper. He had expected Todd to show up around sooner or later…he always did. As if by some feeling of obligation, Ben motioned for him to join him. If only to himself, he had to admit that Todd's sarcastic and witty sense of humor, along with his honesty, was refreshing. He rather looked forward to their "incidental" meetings.

Ben had become a part of their lives…whether Todd liked it or not. Tea liked him, stressing that her interest was only as a friend. Just to make sure it stayed that way, Todd became a "friend" too. Keep your enemies closer. The three of them had dinner a few times, even Todd had to admit that he wasn't that bad. After all, he did ride a motorcycle. Turned out that they had quite a bit in common, especially the love of football. They would talk football throughout dinner, much to Tea's delight and her chagrin. She would have preferred participate at least a little in the conversation, but at least they were getting along. They even grew to respect one another.

"Hey."

"Hey," grumbled Todd. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you planned these little meetings."

"Maybe you don't know better."

"Yeah…don't you ever work?"

"Uh huh…you have enough sugar yet?"

Todd hadn't been paying attention to the amount of sugar he had poured into his coffee. Six empty sugar packets lay scattered on the table. Just to annoy Ben, he reached for another three packets and added them to his cup. Sipping, he realized that it was too sweet, but he wouldn't give Ben the satisfaction of being right. "Ah…perfect."

"Right…so how's Tea?" Ben really didn't need to ask…he could tell by Todd's mood. His moods coincided with Tea's mood. Rough day.

"Tea is fine."

"Good. And how is Todd?"

"You would probably get along great with my sister…she's nosey too."

Ben's pager vibrated…it was his office. "Well, I've gotta go and work. See you around. Hey, there's a blues band playing at a club just outside of town…you guys want to go?"

"When?" Todd started to like blues, just a little. He had dismissed it as "whining noise," until Ben invited he, Tea and a date over for dinner. It was all they listened to. Then again, they had all been drinking, everything tended to sound better with alcohol.

"Tomorrow night."

"I'll ask Tea and let you know."

"Okay…see you later." Ben retrieved all of his belongings…the newspaper and medical journals, and left.

Alone, he thought of his earlier conversation with Tea. He tried not to take her resistance personal, but it was awfully hard not to. If he could go back and undo what he did to Marty…he would do it in a second. It made him physically ill just thinking about it. That was the real reason Tea didn't want to be with him…it was in her eyes. A certain weariness in them…just short of fear.

It wasn't there when they were first married. Maybe the rape was still unreal at that point. Maybe she didn't understand the severity of what he had done. Once it happened to her…everything changed. Maybe he was became a monster in her eyes too.

He sighed heavily at the thought of being a monster in her eyes. She used to look at him like he was okay…what if all that changed?

*****

Carol's Office

The majority of the session had been about Todd. As much as Carol tried to ease Tea's fears about moving out of Llanfair, there were still lingering reservations in her heart. Carol said that it was very common for rape victims to be leery of letting down their guard around someone of the opposite sex. There was no timetable for healing…no book to go by.

"We just have so many things to work out." Tea exhaled, checking her watch. "I'm just so unsure of what to do. He's not pressuring me, but I can tell he's very hurt. I think there's been too much hurt in our relationship…I just want it to stop."

"I think you need to be honest with him and with yourself. It's like starting over for you two…you have to begin on the right foot. Listen, time's up but I encourage you to just talk to him about what you're feeling. I think you owe him that and I think you owe yourself that."

"I know."

"If you want, you can bring him to one of our sessions and the three of us can talk it out."

Tea opens her mouth, but says nothing. It was a good idea, but Todd would never agree to airing their dirty laundry.

"It's just a suggestion…you can bring him anytime you want."

"I'll think about it. There are some other things about our relationship that I really need to discuss with you."

"Okay, we can talk about it next time."

After Tea left the office, Carol opened her file and added to her notes. The whole "Todd" situation worried her. It was very clear from the beginning, that they loved each other very much. She believed that part of the reason that Tea had been healing so quickly was because she had his support, as well as support from their family. If that relationship ended, or she no longer had his support, it could be disastrous for her recovery.