*****

Tea could not return to the penthouse after her release from the hospital. It was filled with too many memories, too much pain, and too much chaos. Viki's home was completely different and that is why she chose to stay at Llanfair. It was a place of safety, serenity, calm and peace. It was happy, during the day anyway. Nighttime, just as inside the walls of the penthouse, was a completely different story.

Todd was by her side most hours of the day. He wouldn't bother her, wouldn't talk unless she was the first to speak, he would just be there for her if she needed anything. Taking care of her was now his job. She just seemed so vulnerable, so unlike the real "Delgado." Even in her depression, even with the pain that pierced her heart, there was still some fight inside. It was all in her eyes; that fire. During the day anyway.

The night brought out a different side of both of them; exposed their fears. During the hours when most people were sleeping, they were the most afraid. It wasn't really the sleeping, but the nightmares. When she slept at night, he could hear her moaning in her sleep. Sounded like a wounded animal, fighting for survival. A couple of times, he held her hand while she slept, and left before she woke. It seemed to help her.

She had developed a routine, staying awake for a couple of days, and then crashing for as long as her body would allow. A day, or two, or three would pass before she would stumble out of the bedroom. She said sleeping was exhausting, running from the nightmares was just as tiring as staying awake.

Todd was too familiar with that feeling. The need to sleep, but afraid of dreaming; being at the mercy of the subconscious. So he would fight it with caffeine, work, pacing, television, anything that could keep his mind occupied during the night. Even when he slept, like Tea, he would still be tired. Every night, he would become a child again, fighting with Peter Manning. Being with Tea helped him. When they were in the same room, she became a part of his dreams, an ally. That was the only time his body would allow him to rest completely.

*****

So far, it was an okay day. Dressed in jeans and a white sweater, Tea sat on a pillow in front of the fireplace. Sipping occasionally from her cocoa filled mug, she flips through a magazine. Cosmo. It was not something that she normally read, but she needed something to keep her mind occupied. She flipped through the endless advertisements and the silly articles rather quickly, left only with her thoughts.

She practically had to beg Todd to give her some time alone. It wasn't so much for her, as it was for him. She did feel better having him around, felt safer with him near, but watching over her had taken its toll on him. He tried to pretend that he was fine, but she could see that constantly being around her was bringing him down even further. They both needed the time apart.

This, being alone, was a sort of test that she was giving herself. Since she had been staying there, she had not been alone. The house was always active, Jessica was in an out, as was Viki, and Todd just never left her side. She had to take small steps, spend a little time alone, go out for awhile during the day, then at night, just doing the little things.

*****

A Rooming House

The address on the paper was in the Angel Square area. Hidden amongst the dilapidated buildings, was the place he had been looking for. Actually, it wasn't as bad as Todd thought. It was just a little dirty, a little run down, but not too bad. Then again, anything was better than living on the streets.

Tea had arranged for Donnie to move into a rooming house by paying for his accommodations. She offered to put him up in a better neighborhood, but he didn't want to be too much of a financial burden. He already owed her so much. He was just happy to be free and have a warm bed to sleep in.

Tea had spoken of Donnie a couple of times, how he had been very helpful in helping the police with the rape case and she spoke a bit about his troubled childhood. She had a weak spot for him, in her own words because he was "a little wounded," just like her, just like Todd.

Todd shifted the gear into park, yanked the keys from the ignition, stepped from the car and leaned on the door. He flipped open his cell phone, tempted to call Tea, just to make sure she was all right. He didn't like the idea of leaving her alone in the first place, but it wasn't his decision. This, meeting Donnie, was something he had to do, although he wasn't sure why.

"Hey, man, you gotta problem?" Donnie had been looking out the picture window at the tall man leaning against the black BMW. People around there never drove cars like that, if the had cars at all. This guy had a lot of attitude, and a lot of money.

"No. You?" Todd walks up to Donnie, not realizing who he is.

"You looking for somebody?" Donnie moves closer to Todd, sizing him up. Tea's husband.

"Yeah."

"Who?"

"Donnie. You know him?"

"You could say that." He walks around Todd, and heads down the street.

"Well, where is he?" Todd asks, catching up to him.

"Right here."

"Oh. I'm--"

"I know who you are," Donnie interrupts, leading Todd to a nearby park.

There aren't many people around…it's far too cold. Normally, Llanview was blanketed under mounds of snow, but this year it was just plain cold. Both walk with their hands pushed deep into their pockets, hunched over, too masculine for a pair of gloves or a scarf.

They sit on an unoccupied bench near the front of the park. The cold, damp wood penetrates their jeans, chilling them to the bone, but they pretend like it doesn't bother them.

"So…uh…I guess I just wanted to…thank you…for…you know…your help…with Tea," Todd stammers, pushing his hands deeper in his coat.

"Yeah, well…how is she?"

"Fine." Todd observes Donnie out of the corner of his eye. He recognizes the signs of abuse immediately, even though Donnie tries hard to hide it. It's in his slouch, his walk, his attitude. Todd used to be the same way, only difference is that he didn't run; he didn't do anything. Had to respect a boy who had enough sense to run.

"Good. Is that all you wanted…to…you know…say?" Donnie feels Todd's eyes on him, he shifts uncomfortably.

"How are…things with you? You like it here?"

"Dunno," he shrugs his shoulders, then adds, "I guess it is better than getting the shit beat out of me."

"Yeah…I know." Todd watches his breath form a cloud of smoke in front of him as the air fills with the sound of their breathing. It's too quiet. "I hear you got a kid on the way," Todd states matter-of-factly, just to break the irritating silence.

"I do." His eyes get glassy with the thought of Angela carrying his child. She was probably worried as hell about him. He hadn't spoken to her since right before he was arrested. He was afraid to tell her the truth, afraid to bring her into what has become his life.

"Oh. Her name's Angela right?"

"Yeah."

"When's she due?"

"Four months and a couple of days…look man, I gotta get goin'. Tell Tea I said hi." Donnie starts back toward the house.

"Tell her yourself," Todd yells after him.

*****

The sound of a motorcycle had roused her from her thoughts. The vibrations were so strong that it made the house shakes. She peeked out of the curtains, and smiling when she sees him approaching the front door. She flings the door open before he can ring the bell.

"Hey, stranger. And just where have you been?"

"Don't I at least get to come in?"

"Hmm…I guess." She ushers him into the kitchen, where she proceeds to make another cup of hot chocolate. "Would you like anything?"

"No thanks."

"So, why has it taken you this long to come and visit?"

"I just wanted to give you a little time. I did look in on you while you were in the hospital."

"Uh, huh." She leans against the counter and frowns at him in disbelief.

"I did," he insists. "Todd was always there…I didn't want to cause any problems."

"Ah, so you're familiar with Todd's temper?"

"You could say that."

"Did you two have a run in?"

"A couple of them."

"When?"

"The first time was when we met at the bar."

"Wait, he was in the penthouse that night, wasn't he?" She didn't wait for his response. "I woke up and I thought I saw him…he was gone by morning."

"Yes. I saw him outside the bar as we were leaving. We had some words…he didn't want me near you. I ended up driving you both back to your place. He's very protective of you."

"I know…always has been."

"So…how are you really?"

"I'm just taking it one day at a time."

*****

Todd saw the strange motorcycle in the driveway long before he pulled up. His body became warm as the feelings of jealousy welled up. He struggled to maintain his composure and not let his temper get away from him.

"Nice bike…is it yours?"

Todd doesn't answer as he slams the car door, nearly shattering the window. He circled to machine, admiring it, despite of his feelings. When he was younger, he wanted one, for the speed alone. He had dreams of riding on a Harley, hair hanging below the helmet and blowing in the wind. Several times he had driven past the motorcycle dealership, always with the intention of "stopping by later." He never made it.

The sound of laughter filtered through the halls, into the foyer. Todd heard it as soon as he entered the house. A part of him wanted to find her waiting for him, needing him. He wanted to be the one to make her laugh, to be the one to lift her from the place of depression.

Donnie walked in behind Todd, in awe of his surroundings. Angela was rich, lived in a big house and all, but it seemed so cold and empty. The rooms were large, caverns, sparsely decorated with expensive pieces of furniture and paintings. It was a place for show. Llanfair radiated warmth. It was inviting, cozy, safe.

"Wait in there," Todd says, pointing to the living room.

He follows the voices down the hall, stopping just outside the kitchen. He tried to make out the voices. One was Tea's, he was certain of that. The other was a man. His ears perked to attention.

"You never finished telling me about your sister."

"I didn't, did I?"

"No."

"It's a very difficult subject for me to talk about."

"It's okay…take your time."

"I was away at school when it happened. She was at a party and some guys started messing with her. There were four of them." His voice cracks and his eyes fill with tears. It's been so long since he's talked about it; mostly he just wants to forget. "They took her upstairs-"

"Oh, god." Tea covers her mouth, feeling her stomach turning and flipping.

Todd covers his ears. Marty…we did that to Marty. Oh god.

"I should have been there for her. She looked up to me, expected me to protect her. That was my only job and I couldn't even do that right."

"Ben, it's not your fault. There is nothing that you could have done-"

"Stop, don't try to defend me. I came home for awhile, but I left again. Something told me to stay, but I ignored it. A few days later, she killed herself," his voice cracks and tears run down his face, dripping onto the table.

"I am so sorry…I had no idea." She covers his hand and lightly squeezes it.

"It still hurts so much…you know? Then, when I saw you at the bar that night, it took me back to that time. It wasn't you I saw…it was my sister. I felt, and feel, responsible for you. That night, when I first saw you, you had that same look in your eyes that she had the last time I saw her."

"You thought I was going to kill myself?"

"I thought you might kill yourself."

"Tea," Todd calls, unable to listen to the rest of the conversation. He softly walks into the kitchen, and over to her.

"Hey," she says, smiling genuinely. "I'm sure you remember Ben. I heard that you guys have bumped into each other a couple of times."

"Yeah," Todd says, completely ignoring Ben. "Uh, you up for more company?"

"Who?"

"He's in the living room. Yeah, you go in there and I'll keep Ben company."

Tea eyes him suspiciously, waiting for an outburst of anger.

"What? I'll be good," Todd promises. He plops into the chair across from Ben, propping his feet on the table.

"Okay." Tea knocks his feet from the table as she passes. "Be good," she yells over her shoulder.

*****

Donnie tried to make himself comfortable…but he didn't belong. He moved from seat to seat, but nothing felt right. Everything seemed so fresh and new. But he, in his beat up sneakers, worn jeans and old sweatshirt, was neither fresh nor new. He was itching to get out of there, to a place he really belonged. He was just about to leave when Tea appeared in the doorway.

"Donnie…it's so good to see you."

"You too."

"How'd you know? How'd you get here?"

"Your husband."

"Oh. Have a seat," she points to the sofa and sits next to him. He stands stiffly in the middle of the room, clutching his coat. "I won't bite."

"I know…I just wanna stand."

"Well, suit yourself. How are…things?"

"Fine. Thanks for the place…it's nice."

"You're welcome. Thank you for your help." She searches her mind for a subject to draw him out. "How's Angela?"

He pulls at a loose thread on his sweatshirt, then fiddles with his watchband. His hands, body and eyes are in constant motion.

"Why haven't you talked to her?"

"She'll just worry about me."

"Like she's not worried now?"

The pain in his heart becomes stronger with each mention of her name, the pain and the guilt for leaving her. She would be ashamed to see him now, ashamed that he ever let him get close to her. She would be better of without him and all the problems that followed.

"Donnie, can I share something with you?"

"Yeah."

"When somebody loves you…they can't just stop. What I'm getting at, is that it will make no difference where the two of you live, she will always love you. Trust me."

"You don't know that."

"Yes…I do. Donnie…call her."

*****

Tap. Tap. Tap. Todd's half-eaten fingernails beat constantly on the wooden table, in perfect rhythm with his foot. The whir of the refrigerator cuts through the tension filled air. Ben watches as the second hand advances on his watch. The constant ticking is like bomb…Todd is the fuse waiting to explode.

Todd has always hated the quiet, the not knowing what to expect. He always waited for the storm that inevitably followed the quiet. Peter Manning used to sneak up on him all the time. He would wait for Todd to let his guard down and boom…the storm would hit. Why isn't he saying anything? It was driving him nuts.

"I don't like you sniffing around my wife."

"I'm not sniffing around your wife…I came to visit a friend."

"Yeah…well…still. I thought I told you to stay away from her."

"I don't take orders from anyone. Do you perceive me as a threat?"

"A threat? Why would I be threatened by you?" Todd stops rapping his fingernails on the table and tapping his foot on the ground, giving himself away.

"Look…I'm not after her. I know something of what she's been through, and I want to help. Nothing more."

"Yeah…whatever." Todd suddenly gets up and starts pacing across the linoleum. "Look, we can deal with things without your help…so just stop hanging around her. She's doin' fine, okay? Whatever support she needs…I'll give it to her. So…just…go find some other charity case."

"Oh…I get it…you're scared. You don't want any other men in her life because you're afraid she'll fall for somebody else. You think that because of what happened to her, and your past, she'll realize that you're not the one for her-"

"You shut your mouth!" Todd exclaims, slamming his fist against the table. "You don't know a goddamned thing about me!"

"I'm right and you know it. I've got news for you…I have dealt with gang rapists…up close and personal…and you're not like them. I know all about you…your background…your childhood…you've had it rough. That doesn't excuse what you did, but it does help explain it."

"Well thank you for the analysis Dr. Freud."

"The way you look after your wife, the way you take care of her, I envy that. You're there for her in a way that I wasn't for someone I love…someone I love. And she…loves…you…back. I am her friend, nothing more."

Todd ponders his words, looking for any signs of untruth. Ben stares at him unflinchingly, perfectly still. Todd cautiously extends his arm toward Ben, opening his hand. Ben meets him halfway, and they shake, still weary of the other.

"Don't think that I don't still have my eye on you," Todd says, putting his hand in his pocket.

"I wouldn't have expected anything else."

*****

Penthouse 2

Just being around people other than Todd, Viki and the rest of the family, Tea felt a little stronger. Stronger emotionally. Strong enough to go back to the penthouse and pack the rest of her things. Todd tried to talk her out of it; fighting with her once she made up her mind was always futile. He agreed to take her only if she promised to tell him if being back there was too much on her.

The hall was empty when the elevator door opened. Todd stepped off first, then Tea, both stopping in front of the door. Gone were the cameras that used to be hidden in the corners. Repaired was the door that hung awkwardly from the hinges. It looked as if nothing bad ever on this very floor.

"You sure you wanna do this? We could hire somebody, or I can get your stuff if that's what you' re worried about."

"No, it's something I have to do for myself."

She turns away from him, fumbling with her keys. Her shaky hands cannot seem to find the hole, scraping the brass doorknob. Todd opens his hand beneath the keys; she drops them in his hand and moves to the side. He unlocks the door, turning to her one last time, giving her one last chance to back out.

"Just give me a minute, okay?"

"Yeah, okay." Todd steps inside the foyer and leans against the wall.

Tea breathes deeply and evenly. She too leans against the wall, sliding down to the ground. She stares into space, composing herself, wringing her hands.

A half hour passes before she crosses the threshold. When Todd hears her footsteps, her meets her at the door.

"You okay?"

"Yes, I just want to get this over with." She passes him, halting as the living room comes into view. The furniture has been discarded, the carpet lifted, the wood beneath scrubbed clean. It looked brand new, smelled brand new, no trace of the secrets hidden in the walls.

"I thought maybe we could sell it. I mean, I know you don't want to live here, and I can't live here, so what's the point?"

"But this place is your home."

"Not anymore."

She visualizes the room, as it was that night, everything coming back to her in rapid succession, a montage. She felt dizzy; it was all happening too fast. She felt the bile rising in the back of her throat and has to brace herself against the wall.

"Tea, just let me take care of this. I'll drop you off at-"

"No, I'm okay." She walks toward the stairs with Todd close behind. "Um, do you mind waiting down here?"

"Whatever you want." He sits on the bottom step as she ascends the stairs.

*****

Her bedroom is just as she left it. The last thing she remembered wearing hung over the chair. Her bed was unmade, with the last towel she used lying in a pile in the middle. Her perfume bottles lined the dresser. Nothing changed. Everything had changed.

She found her Coach luggage in the back of her closet, and began to fill them with clothes. She didn't bother to fold them, or take any care to keep them from being wrinkled. She just wanted to get the hell out of there.

"Shit." There is no way she is going to be able to fit her entire wardrobe in those bags, so she starts to toss things out of them. She unconsciously rids herself of her work clothes, her suits and blouses, leaving her with jeans, sweats and the few things that Todd had left.

It was difficult being back in the bedroom, amongst all of her personal things. Not only that, but Sykes had spent more than one night in this very bed. She wondered how many times he had entered her home when she wasn't there. How many times he had rummaged through her drawers, through her closet. How many times she had thought something was in a different position but had dismissed it as her "imagination running wild."

This place, this room, had been her sanctuary. Even after the rape, she considered this place to be her "safe haven." It's where she prayed, where to spoke to God, where she retreated.

She peeked into the bathroom, at all of her soaps, shampoos, makeup, all of the things she used to try to change who she was. She wanted to scrub the scent of rape from her body with the soap, wash it away with the shampoo, cover it up with the makeup. She looked at it all, shook her head, and turned away.

*****

Todd tried to wait patiently but his nervous energy wouldn't allow him to sit still for more than a couple of minutes. He wanted to go to her upstairs. He wanted to just hold her for a few minutes, let her know that she was not alone. She had done the same thing for him, even when he tried his hardest to push her away.

Her pain cut into his heart, opening his old wounds, her pain intermingling with his. At least Sykes was dead. At least he could never hurt either of them again…physically. He could still hurt them emotionally, his memory would live in Tea's soul forever, in turn hurting him, but he could not inflict any new pain.

It still pissed him off that the cops had not seen Sykes for what he really was. Todd never liked him, but people thought he was just being paranoid. There was something about him that reminded Todd of himself during his youth.

Bo had been in constant contact with Todd, unbeknownst to Tea or anybody else. Bo had told him of the cameras that were well hidden inside the penthouse. Since he could not leave Tea's side, whenever Todd got a lead from his own private investigator, he shared it with Bo. It was his job to follow up. They were teammates.

He couldn't stand being downstairs. The pacing wasn't helping; nothing was helping. This place held too many bad memories for him, for both of them. The Irish Terrorists, the countless arguments that they had, this latest incident was just another in a long list of painful experiences.

Todd started up the stairs, listening for her muffled cries. He couldn't hear anything. He went up a couple more stairs, but heard nothing. He found himself going all the way up and standing just outside the bedroom. He hears her ragged breathing, the sounds that escape when she is trying her hardest to avoid being heard.

As she rocked steadily in the chair, she felt the vice around her heart tightening. It always happened when she was alone and frightened, at her most vulnerable. She was sure that at some point, it would squeeze the life right out of her, leaving nothing but her carcass for the vultures to devour.

His body is halfway in and halfway out of the bedroom, the floor creaking as he puts his weight on his front foot. She doesn't realize that she had been holding her breath until it slowly escapes through her mouth. His simple presence relieved the pressure of the vice on her heart. He loosened it.

"You okay?" He kneels next to her, his hand hovering below her chin, motioning for her to look at him.

"No." She looks him in the eyes, tears staining her face.

"Okay, what do you want me to do? Tell me what you need."

"I don't know anymore. I don't know who I am. I don't know anything. I should feel better, right?"

"I don't feel better and Peter has been dead for years. The only time I felt sorta okay, was when I was with you and you'd look at me like you didn't hate me; you still look at me like that."

"You make it bearable for me too. But, I don't want to have to rely on you like a crutch for the rest of our lives."

"I don't mind."

She chuckles briefly, then turns serious again. "I do mind. Todd, you don't know what it's been like for me, these past few weeks. I can't even function anymore. I'm sleepwalking. I have bad days, I have okay days, but what I really want is a good day. I want to crawl out of my skin sometimes, but I know that even as somebody else, the pain will still be there. I can't run from it anymore, I just have to feel it."

"So what do you want to do?"

"Would you hand me my purse?"

She rummages through the bottom of her purse, unable to find the business card. "Shit, where is it?"

"Where is what?" When she doesn't answer, he takes the purse from her and dumps it on the floor. "This is what us slobs do when we're looking for something."

She finds the card in the middle of the pile, face up. He gives her the cordless phone, and leaves to give her privacy.

"Don't go."

He stops in his tracks, returning to her side.

"I need you to be here for this." Her fingers shake with the touch of each button. It's a call she has to make, and one she's been dreading.

"This is Carol."

"Carol?"

"Yes, who is this please?"

"Tea Manning. I don't know if you remember, but we had one session together a few weeks back."

"I remember. I read about your recent troubles…I'm so sorry. How are you holding up?"

"That's why I'm calling. I want to schedule another session."

Todd listens to the inflections in Tea's voice. It was alive. He remembered how upset she was after her first session with Carol. It was always his fear that with therapy, everything would come rushing back and hurt just as much as the first day.

Tea pressed the "end" button on the phone, placing it on the dresser.

"Carol is a therapist I went to once," she volunteers, playing with her hands.

"Yeah, I know."

"I can't live like this anymore. It just hurts so much."

"Yeah, it does."

"How do you live with that kind of pain?"

He shifts nervously, running his fingers through his hair, looking at her, formulating an answer. "I just do."

She sees a flash of pain in his eyes; he turns his head. She wants to rub his back, rub the tears away; her body will not cooperate. "Todd, will you come with me?"

"Where?"

"To Carol's. You don't have sit in or anything…I just want to know you're there when I come out."

"I know you…once we're there, you're gonna make me talk to her too."

"No I won't, I promise. If there's one thing I've learned through this whole nightmare is that nobody can force you to talk about it. Nobody can make you heal…it has to be something that you want."

"I'll go okay, for the first time anyway. After that, I don't know."

"One step at a time. You ready?"

"Yeah," he picks up her luggage, expecting something much heavier. "Geez, what'd you do with all your clothes?"

"Oh, I'm getting rid of some things. I just want to start fresh, you know?"

"Aw, man, now you're gonna make me go shopping."

She follows him to the front door, taking one last backward glance at the place they shared together.