Blair looked deeply into Sam's eyes. She saw the confusion but she also saw something else. She was reasonably sure she had found her ally.

*****

Adam sat quietly in the bathtub. Over and over again, he tried to lift the water and watched it drip through his hands. He was endlessly fascinated by it. His feeding and the administration of his meds went without incident. He completely ignored the toy boats and the little floating whale they had put in the tub with him. Frank had squeezed the toy a couple of times to show Adam that water would shoot out of its blowhole. He paid no attention. They did not prompt him to play with the toys. Susannah left orders to let him enjoy his bath. The bath did do the trick. The warm water and stimming with it soothed Adam and made him very sleepy.

Don looked at Adam and then at Frank. He whispered, "Look how heavy those eyelids are getting. I think our little buddy here is ready for a nap."

Adam did not protest too much when they stood him up and took him from the tub. He did start to cry and whimper a little when they dried him off. They were careful to blot him very gently, but apparently he did not like the feel of the terry cloth against his skin.

They were able to get him to the bed and get the absorbent briefs, a clean sweatsuit and clean, warm socks on him without too much difficulty. He was very sleepy. When they gently laid him in his bed he cried and kicked a little for a couple of minutes. Then he curled up on his side and placed his right thumb in his mouth. He added some new humming sounds to his repertoire. He continued to stare his sideways stare as he hummed and rocked himself to sleep. After a few minutes he turned over onto his stomach.

"Well, this little one does a better job soothing himself than we're able to do," Frank commented.

It did seem that Adam did not have any need for anyone to hold or comfort him. He made no connection to any of them. They covered Adam with two of his favorite blankets, put up the side rails, pulled down the window shades and turned down the lights. They all hoped he would sleep for at least a couple of hours. Todd's body was in need of rest.

Kevin had asked Téa if she wanted to have some breakfast with him. She told him she needed to go to her office get some files and bring them to one of the attorneys she was handing her cases off to. Kevin wanted to use the time they had before going to the training session to tell Téa that he and Cassie were divorcing. He didn't want her to hear it from someone else. 'Not that it will make any difference to her,' Kevin thought. He knew that Téa would be sympathetic and willing to listen to him, but his getting a divorce would mean nothing to her life one way or the other. The fact that he wanted it to matter to her greatly disturbed him. He was so afraid that, maybe, Susannah and Tom were right. Maybe he did want more from Téa than friendship. Kevin could admit he was attracted to Téa. 'Who wouldn't be?' he thought. He could admit he enjoyed her company.

Kevin was not stupid. He realized that no matter what he felt, nothing would ever happen between Téa and him. He knew that from the moment she met Todd she would be in love with him for the rest of her life. Nothing would ever change that, not all that had already happened and nothing that would ever happen. The rational part of Kevin could recognize that Todd and Téa were bonded for life. What they had was something so special that not even this horrible illness could destroy it. Téa would wait, forever, if she had to and if the situation were reversed, so would Todd. Kevin realized the reality of the situation and understood he would never be romantically involved with Téa. It was that he might want to be that troubled him so deeply. It ate into his soul. He was terrified that the part of him that always wanted to hurt Todd and was jealous of Todd was still alive and well. Consciously, he felt no hatred for Todd. The last session he had with Susannah made him realize that his jealousy was still in place. Was it still driving his behavior? Did he want to take away what was precious to Todd? These thoughts continued to haunt Kevin.

Self-hatred washed over Kevin. He could not believe he could feel so many emotions for one person at the same time. 'What the hell is wrong with me?' Kevin asked himself over and over again. He knew he cared greatly about Todd, not just Timmy, but Todd too. He admired Todd. His heart broke for Todd. He did not know if he felt love for him. Sometimes he thought he did. He wasn't sure. The same blood ran through both their veins, Victor Lord's blood. He knew with the utmost certainty that he loved Timmy. He could feel it well up in him every time he looked at him. He felt love for Adam. Did his love extend to the mind and body Timmy and Adam lived in? Kevin had no idea. He did know that a part of him resented Viki's devotion to Todd. 'Oh, not like I used to,' Kevin thought, 'but a part of me still wants to come before Todd in mom's heart.' Kevin detested those feelings. They made him feel weak and immature. He did not know how to stop them.

Kevin looked at his watch. It wasn't even noon. He wanted a drink. He fought the urge, successfully, this time. Much more than a drink, Kevin wanted to help Adam. He wanted to make sure he was in good condition for the first training session. Kevin stopped at a McDonald's for a cup of coffee. He picked up a couple of Happy Meals for Adam before he left, a hamburger meal and a chicken nugget meal. He hoped that, maybe, he could get Adam interested in the toys if not the food.

"Come on Téa, you can't tell me that you are just walking away from your practice. You've worked hard to get the people of Angel Square to trust you. I have to tell you that not too many of your clients are happy having to come see me or some of the other attorneys you've sent them to instead of you. You have a way with them. You inspire trust and they sense how much you like to win. They see that killer instinct in you." Barry Hiller, the attorney Téa handed much of her practice to, was using his most persuasive tone to try to change Téa's mind.

"Barry, I hate leaving them that way." Téa smiled. "I know you and the others won't let them down. Think of the good karma you'll all have for doing all this pro bono work," Téa kidded.

"Somehow good karma has never been one of the main objectives of my practice, Téa," Barry answered in the same humorous vein.

Téa laughed. "Big surprise! Seriously Barry, I am very grateful to all of you for pitching in to help. You can't tell me that you don't get some satisfaction in helping someone who has very little come up against those who have it all and come out the winner."

"Well, maybe a little," Barry remarked while holding his index finger and thumb a sixteenth of an inch apart. "Leave it to you, Téa, to find the social conscience in all of us."

"Yeah. Well I had to find it in myself first. No one wanted, loved, or respected money more than I did. There was a time I would have done almost anything for a buck. Not just to have things, I wanted to get the kind of respect I thought money would bring me."

"Not anymore?" Barry asked Téa.

"It's not that it isn't better to be miserable and rich than miserable and poor, but for the really important things, no it isn't money that can bring them to us. It doesn't make pain go away. It doesn't make you feel loved or cared about or wanted. What it can do is give you a safe place to live and enough food to eat and get you the best treatment if you're sick. For those things I am very grateful for what I and for what those I love have." Téa took a deep breath. "Barry, you would be surprised to learn what doing something for the money can lead to. It can change your life forever. It can make you learn things about yourself you never knew. If you're really lucky, sometimes doing something just for the money can give you things you've never expected. It can lead you to find what you've really been looking for all your life."

Barry gave Téa a quizzical look. He had no idea what she was talking about.

Téa looked at her watch. "Barry, maybe some day you'll figure it out for yourself. Right now I have to go. Todd's doctor is expecting me back at that hospital." Téa thanked him again for taking over so many of her cases. Téa had a feeling, that like her, many of her colleagues would continue to work with the less privileged and that maybe they found the same satisfaction in it that she had. Téa headed back to the hospital.

As Sam and Blair entered the hospital lobby, Blair had a thought. "Sam, I think it would be better if we went up separately. I sort of told them I was going back to the paper."

"I'm not about to start lying to Viki," Sam stated firmly.

"I'm not asking you to lie! We just don't have to announce to everyone that we've talked."

"Fine! Do you want to go up first?" Sam agreed in an annoyed tone.

"No, you can go first. I want to go to the gift shop and get something for Adam anyway." Blair declared.

"Adam doesn't seem to like toys," Sam informed her.

Blair thought for a moment. "I'll think of something. Why don't you go up . . . and Sam," Blair moved close to him. "Please don't tell anyone about what we discussed or about the pictures I showed you. No one will ask. You don't have to lie. Please, if you're tempted think about Todd. You don't want to blow any chance you have of rescuing him." Blair carefully chose her words. She knew that Sam would not want to let Todd down again. She didn't think of it as using Sam's guilt. She thought of it as helping him to help Todd.

"I'm going to get some strong black coffee before I go upstairs so you can take your time in the gift shop and go up first," Sam told Blair and without another word headed for the cafeteria.

Blair was nervous. She wasn't sure she had made the right decision trusting Sam. As much as he wanted to save Todd and disagreed with his treatment she wondered if he would actually help her get Todd away from Viki. She also didn't know how dependable Sam could be in his current condition. Blair tried to put it out of her mind for now. She picked out a speak-and-say toy with animal sounds, for Adam.

The unit was quiet when Blair was buzzed in. "No one is back here yet and Adam has been asleep for about forty-five minutes," Eileen informed her.

"I bought him a little present." Blair handed it to Eileen. "Will you see that he gets it?"

"Absolutely," Eileen promised when she saw that the toy was an appropriate one for Adam.

"Can I go peek at him? I promise to be very quiet," Blair asked.

"Sure, but please don't do anything that might wake him up." Eileen reminded her.

Don was sitting by Adam's bed and Frank was posted at the door. "I'm just going to tip-toe in and see him. I won't make a sound," Blair whispered to Frank.

"No problem," Frank replied. He knew Blair was causing problems, but he also felt sorry for her. He could tell she really loved Todd.

Blair's heart tugged with love when she looked down at Adam. She had memories of Starr, as a baby, looking very much like that when she slept. Adam's face had the same peaceful innocence. Starr too had liked to sleep on her stomach, sucking her right thumb and holding onto a blanket. 'Sweet baby boy,' Blair thought. 'You don't wanna be put through any nasty ol' program do you?' Blair wanted to stroke his head but she was afraid she would wake him. 'Don't you worry. We'll save you. We'll save all of you,' Blair promised him silently.

Sam saw Viki sitting alone when he entered the cafeteria. His eyes welled up with tears. She looked so sad and worried. He knew that he was responsible for much of the pain she was feeling. 'I'm no damn good for anyone,' Sam thought. He carried his coffee over to Viki's table.

"Hi, how are you doing?" Sam asked.

"I'm worried about all my guys," Viki admitted.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I've given you more to worry about." Sam's voice sounded flat and without emotion to both Viki and to him. He felt distant and separate from himself.

"Sam, I love you. Do you still believe that?" Viki hadn't planned on getting into it. The words just popped out.

Sam looked into her blue eyes. He saw so much pain. "Yes. You know I do. I don't know why you do, but I believe you."

Viki was shocked at his last statement. "You don't know why! Maybe because you have been and still are there for me no matter what. You have accepted me and loved me when I have not made it easy. You've understood me and been patient with me. You have put your life on hold for me and for Todd. You make me feel special and loved. You are kind and smart and gentle. I dream of the day we can be a family. The family Todd should have had. I dream of the day we can have the relationship we should have. I love having you to share my life with Sam, please don't ever lose sight of that."

A tear slipped down's Sam's cheek. Sam's emotions were close to the surface these days. He found himself crying easily. He was finding it difficult to keep his tears at bay. He took Viki's hand. "I love you. I love you and Todd more than anything. You don't have to give me more than you're ready for. If there is one thing I understand in this lousy world it is how what your father did to you can take away so many precious things. You never have to explain that to me." Sam's words came out slowly. It was becoming increasingly difficult for Sam to put his thoughts into coherent sentences. They were all over the place.

Sam wanted to discuss all that Blair had confided in him with Viki, but he didn't. Not so much because he promised Blair, more because his thoughts about it were too confused. 'My brain is too mixed up,' Sam thought to himself, remembering Tom's words.

Yet, because he kept his thoughts to himself. Viki was not getting a clear picture of just how troubled Sam was. She did realize guilt was eating away at him, however, she also believed much of his anger and frustration stemmed from having no legal say to a boy he considered his son. Viki also believed that once Sam got himself together he would do what was right for Todd. She assumed it would be the same things that she thought was right for Todd. She just knew that once Sam saw some progress in Adam he would be okay with his treatment. Téa did tell Viki she would go along with whatever she decided.

"Honey, do you remember what we spoke about last night, about having you legally become Todd's guardian too?"

Sam couldn't believe Viki had been serious about that. He couldn't believe that the man who could not hear her brother screaming out for help was someone she would want to be his legal guardian along with her. "Viki, you don't have to go through with that. I know you don't completely trust my ability to make decisions for Todd."

"That's not true at all. Sam as far as I'm concerned you are Todd's father. You have as much right to decide things for him as I do. There may be times when we disagree, like now, but I know you want what is best for him. I know how strong your love for my brother is."

As much as Sam wanted this, he wasn't so far gone that warning flags didn't pop up in his brain. "Viki, maybe now is not a good time for me to have a legal say in Todd's life? Maybe I'm not the person who should be deciding anything for anyone?" Sam no longer trusted himself or his instincts.

Viki, with already so much on her mind, did not see the situation as clearly as she usually would have. She was blinded by her own confusion over everything in her life. She was worried sick about Sam. Viki was not aware of the depth of Kevin's depression, self-hatred and confusion because he did not discuss his own state of mind with his mother. She was, however, cognizant that her eldest son was very troubled, but Sam was falling apart right in front of her. Jess and Joey were far away. Viki feared losing her entire family. There was still a part of Viki that felt like the frightened little girl who had no adult other than her father in her life. That frightened little girl part would still do anything not to be all alone in this world. Viki loved Sam and did not want to lose him. She did not want Todd to lose him and she did not want Sam to lose himself. She not only saw Sam becoming Todd's co-guardian as means of pulling him out of this, she honestly believed it was best for Todd. Not even to save Sam or anyone would Viki jeopardize Todd.

Viki tried to put her own fears, needs and confusion about her feelings out of her mind. She told herself there was no time to dwell on them now. She had to keep her mind free for everyone else's problems. Still, intrusive thoughts of her father, Dorian, Sloan and Clint haunted her. She could usually shut them out by concentrating on the problems of her loved ones. Yet sometimes, like when she would close her eyes at night, words and images attacked her psyche. Images of things remembered and things that seemed to come out of nowhere.

These would usually come just as Viki was about to drift off to sleep. Many times these images were hard to recall. She would have just the faintest recollection of something that vaguely gave her a hint as to what the image was about. Even then, she was never sure if that was, indeed, what she had seen. One of the things she would have one of these vague feelings of remembering was an image of Irene. Todd's birth mother. Viki would jerk up from her chair or bed. She would almost always be sweating. Her heart would be racing. She would tell herself it was just her imagination. Maybe it was that old image of catching Irene and her father in bed together, yet something told her it was not that. It was something else, something worse. Something she couldn't grasp nor did she want to.

Viki knew she should bring this up at a session, but she did not want to have to think about it. She rationalized that she had so much on her mind it would do no good to bring this into the mix. There would be ample time to bring this up in future sessions, when everyone else's life wasn't in such a mess. Susannah had cautioned Viki about using Todd's and her family's problems to hide from her own, but to Viki this wasn't what she was doing. Things were falling apart around her and this was not the time for her to wallow in her own misery. Or so she told herself.

"Sam, I'm serious. I want to make arrangements for you to become Todd's co-guardian. I've spoken with Téa and . . . " Viki was about to say Téa had no problem with it, but she knew that wasn't exactly true. "Téa said she would go along with whatever I decide."

Sam was confused. As much as he wanted this, he was afraid, afraid for Todd. He didn't quite understand why. He attributed it to the knowledge that he didn't do right by Todd when he was a child, not so much to his current state of mind. Sam did not realize just how impaired his judgment was becoming. He still believed what he wanted for Todd and the alters was what was best for them.

Sam took Viki's hand. "Do you really believe that I should be making decisions for Todd?"

"Sam, I understand the problems you have with the ABA program. We don't disagree on that as much as you think. If I see any sign that Adam is being harmed by it I will ask . . . no! I will tell Susannah to discontinue it. Don't you think we owe it to Adam to just give it a try? We think the reason that little boy cried all morning was because he wanted to hear Kevin sing him the cartoon jingle he sang to him yesterday. He couldn't tell us that's what he wanted."

Sam was horrified. "That's all he wanted, to hear Kevin sing to him?"

"We think so," Viki sadly admitted.

Sam sat quietly for a few moments. He finally put his thoughts together. "Viki, I hate parts of this program. I will not, under any circumstances, ignore that child when he's crying or tantruming. I will not hold off giving him what he wants, if I can figure out what that is, but I will try not to interfere with the program when he is having a session. I don't think I can participate, but I won't cause problems, unless I see that the program is really causing him to suffer needlessly."

Not only did Sam did not trust his own judgment, he wasn't even sure if he still trusted Viki's one hundred percent. He knew without a shadow of a doubt that she loved Todd with all her heart and wanted to do what was best for him. Yet, Blair's words kept repeating over and over again in his head. "Maybe Viki is being influenced by Susannah and Kevin and what she thinks is right for Todd may not be." Sam hated thinking this, just as he hated to even entertain the thought that Téa was . . ." 'NO!' Sam shouted to himself, 'I won't even think it.' The pictures Blair showed him burned into his brain. He didn't know what was true anymore. What he did think about, in fact obsessed about, was something else Blair said. He could be given another chance to do right by Todd, another chance to save him. Sam remembered Bill once telling him how he had a second chance to be a father to Sam. That wasn't enough. He needed to save Todd the way he should have long ago. Sam held on to Blair's words like a drowning man holding on to a rope. 'Maybe this is meant to be? Maybe by becoming Todd's guardian I can help to save him?' Sam was beyond being able to realize that it was his need to save Todd and not Todd actually needing saving that was driving him.

"Sam, honey are you listening to me?" Viki had been speaking to him and she had gotten no response.

"I'm sorry. I was just thinking about everything," Sam apologized.

Viki smiled. "There certainly is a lot to think of. So, is it all right with you? Should I go ahead and see about making you Todd's co-guardian?"

Sam took a deep breath and nodded. "You know I only want what is best for 'our kid.'" To Viki's relief, the love was back in his voice when he said "our kid" this time.

Secrets 98, Page 2