Kevin laughed again. "Pretty sick isn't it? Here's this little boy, who I love with all my heart . . . who I'm closer to than my own kid . . . in the body of someone I have hated and maybe still do, and who hates my guts and is also terrified of me at the same time. I can't, for the life of me, figure out why I love Timmy so much or how the Hell I feel about Todd. And still, I know if I'm kept out of Timmy's life it will be worse than being kept out of Duke's. How's that for being screwed up?"
Téa felt sorry for Kevin. She understood what it felt like to be afraid of being kept out of Todd's life. She also understood what it felt like to be totally confused by your own feelings. "I don't think that will happen, Kevin. I think that, like with me, Todd will allow your visits because they are important to a child."
"Yeah, well, Todd doesn't hate you. Todd doesn't remember that it was you and your family who tried to pin a murder on him. Todd doesn't have a memory of you holding a gun to his head," Kevin replied bitterly.
"No. But he does remember that I hit him with a shovel and that I turned him over to the police. I'm sure he also remembers that I betrayed his trust in that hotel room near Canada, when I called Sam. I am just as responsible for Todd being in the condition he's in as you are."
A tear trickled down Kevin's cheek. "Peter Manning is responsible for Todd being the way he is, Peter and my grandfather. It's my blood that Victor's genes run in, not yours. What is it they say? 'Blood will tell.' Maybe it would be for the best if I was kept away from Timmy?"
Téa was getting angry with Kevin. "Buchanan! Don't you dare walk out of that little boy's life again. I don't care how afraid you are of turning out like your grandfather or Peter. You are nothing like those men. But even if you go to your grave being afraid that you are, if you abandon Timmy again he will never get over it. Yes, maybe you didn't fight hard enough for your son. Maybe you even caused River to have some confusion. Timmy is a desperately sick little boy, and he needs you to get yourself together and be there for him. For once in your life, put someone else's needs before your own. I'm sure Doctor Hanen will find a way to convince Todd that Timmy needs you in his life. She knows what your absence would do to that child." Téa looked closely at Kevin. "Kevin, is something else bothering you besides being afraid of getting cut out of Timmy's life?"
Kevin looked up at Téa. He tried to figure out what it was he felt for her. His heart was pounding. He was about to broach the subject with Téa when he looked even more closely into her eyes. He could see concern for him, but not the love he saw in them when she talked about Todd. He realized he never would see love for anyone but Todd shining out of those beautiful brown eyes. He knew whatever it was he felt for her had to stop. Kevin said nothing. He was afraid that to talk to her about it now would only cause uncomfortable feelings for both of them. Their lives were intertwined and always would be, as long as they were both in Todd's life. "It may not be in Todd's best interest for me to be in his life," Kevin finally said.
"Look Kevin, I never really understood what went on between you and Todd. I mean I know about Marty and the rape trial. I always felt it was more than that. I doubt that Todd really knows why he feels the way he does about you and maybe you don't know why you feel the way you do about him either. I know one thing though, in some twisted way, you both need each other. Maybe now it's just Timmy, but I think that Todd and most of those children have a strong need for you to be in their life. I certainly know your mother needs you to be around. So I suggest you damn well figure out what your problems are and how you feel and then be there for the people you love."
Kevin felt ashamed of himself. His emotions were a tangled mess . . . Todd, Duke, Cassie, his mom, Téa. He didn't know what he was feeling about any of them. He did know one thing, though. Téa was right. He needed to be in Todd's life, not just Timmy's, but Todd's. He had no idea why and he didn't know if he really wanted to know, not now. He just knew that he had to get himself together and be strong for all concerned, including himself. Kevin felt immensely grateful to Téa. He needed someone to tell him to feel what he feels but get over it and be there for those he loved. It might be too late for his relationship with Duke, but it wasn't too late for Timmy, his mom, or Todd. "Téa, I'm sorry I just showed up, drunk and uninvited. I'm going to get lots of coffee in me and then see if my mom needs any help at the paper, and if not, I want to be there when Todd is brought back to his room on seven. Even if I can't let him know I'm there, I still want to be nearby."
"I'll be heading to the hospital shortly," Téa informed him.
Kevin stood up. He was a little unsteady on his feet. He headed for the door and opened it.
Téa knew she had been a little hard on him. She did sympathize with him. She realized how hard all this must be for him. "Kevin," she called to him, as he stood in the doorway. He turned around. "You're not planning on driving are you?"
"No, not until I sober up. I'll head down to the restaurant and get something to eat and a couple of pots of coffee."
"I'll tell you what," Téa suggested. "Why don't you go downstairs and get that food and coffee and I'll drive you to the hospital. I'll be down for you in about forty-five minutes. Is that enough time?" Kevin nodded. He was grateful for the offer. He did not want to be driving or taking a cab. "Kevin, listen. I do understand that none of this has been easy for you. In some ways, maybe because of your mother, your relationship with Todd is even more complicated than mine. If you need to talk to someone, I'll always be willing to listen. Please, promise me you won't desert Timmy."
Those words cut into Kevin's heart. The thought of walking out of Timmy's life and leaving him to his pain and suffering was intolerable to Kevin. He would not abandon Timmy. For the first time, Kevin was very sure of that. He knew in his heart that no matter what else he was feeling, his love for that child was the strongest emotion he felt. It was stronger by far than any hatred he had ever felt for Todd. He also realized that he would try, in every way he knew how, to work things out with Todd, if Todd were willing. Talking to Téa made this crystal clear for him. Still standing in the doorway, Kevin hugged Téa. For the moment, he knew what he was feeling, gratitude, pure and simple. She made him realize that he would never, willingly, walk out of Timmy's life. Never! Neither Kevin nor Téa realized the belt on Téa's robe has loosened, exposing Téa slightly. "Thank you, Téa. I'm not sure why it is, but you seem to have said just what I needed to hear. I won't leave Timmy. I won't ever cause that little boy any more sadness. Téa, you can be very sure of that."
Téa patted him on the back. "Good. I am very relieved to hear that. Now, why don't you get that coffee and I'll see you soon."
Kevin straightened up and headed for the restaurant and Téa closed the door. As Kevin passed the stairwell opposite from Téa's room, he did not see the eyes that watched him through the glass window in the stairwell door. He did not see the smirk on Jerry Skinner's face or see the camera in his hand. "Nice touch being in that opened robe, Mrs. Manning," he said to himself.
*****
Viki was not in the mood to waste time on negotiation ploys. The union leader could see that. It did not take long for Viki to negotiate that contract. As always, she was fair and they knew it. The whole thing was settled in a little over three hours. Viki headed back to the hospital. Her anxiety over not being with Todd was increasing by the minute.
*****
Sam was not as successful negotiating with Lindsay. Lindsay gave Sam a hard time. Lindsay complained about the high prices in Chicago. As was her pattern, she used her children's needs as and excuse to ask for more money. "If you want to neglect your own children while playing daddy to that criminal fine! Do you have to let your own kids do without financially, too!" Lindsay had screamed into the phone. Sam knew his children were extremely well taken care of, financially. Sam was already paying all their college expenses and they did not seem to miss his presence in their life at this time. They were happy to finally be on their own. Even though they both attended college in Illinois, he knew they were happy to be away from Lindsay. Sam finally gave into most of her demands just to get her off his back. When he hung up the phone, he realized how lucky he was to have gotten a second chance with someone like Viki. Sam then completed his business with his associate and headed back to the hospital as well.
*****
Todd continued to sleep off the sedation and was just starting to wake up shortly before the transfer. Susannah knew he would be too groggy to really realize he was being moved. Viki made it back to the hospital first. She was relieved to see all seemed well in the ICU. They were filling out the paperwork on the transfer. Viki checked on Todd. He moaned a few times and moved around a little.
Susannah waved her over to the nurses station. "How did things go?" Susannah inquired.
"Good. I think my mood helped speed things along." Viki smiled. She then asked Susannah, "Did Sam come back yet?"
"No, not yet. He called about an hour ago to see how everything was. He should be here soon."
"What about Kevin?" Viki inquired. "He called me a while ago and said he and Téa were on their way over."
"No, sorry. They didn't get here . . ." Susannah stopped as she saw Kevin and Téa approach the door to the ICU. "Well, here they are." Susannah pointed toward the doors.
Kevin waited outside, just in case Todd was awake. Téa came into the ICU.
"Hi. We'll be taking Todd back to seven in a few minutes." Susannah informed Téa.
Téa looked toward Todd's bed. "He seems to be waking up."
"Mmmm. I would give it about another hour before he's really awake," Susannah stated.
*****
Viki went to talk to Kevin. "Did they sign?" Kevin asked as soon as Viki stepped into the hallway.
"They did." Viki replied matter-of-factly. "They tried to play hardball for a while. They saw they would get nowhere with those tactics."
"Mom, I'm really sorry I messed up. You were depending on me and I let you down." Kevin looked ashamed of himself.
"Oh, sweetheart. Don't feel that way. As you said, some of those old timers still think of you only as my son. When I first took over for Father, they treated me the same way. I'm sure even when Clint took over for your dad, he had a hard time winning over some of them. In time, they will show you the respect you deserve. "Viki smiled encouragingly at Kevin. Their respect really has to be earned. They don't hand it out easily. I am very proud of the work you do and I'm not saying that to bolster your confidence. Honey, I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you to run things at the Banner and . . ." Viki put a hand on either side of Kevin's face and looked him in the eye. "I don't know what I would do without having you for a son."
The tears that formed in Kevin's eyes embarrassed him. He didn't want his mom to know how badly he needed her validation.
Realizing this, Viki looked deeply into Kevin's eyes. "Sweetheart, we never become so old that we stop needing love."
Kevin hugged Viki tightly. "I'm really trying. More than anything I want to do what's right," Kevin confessed softly.
"You are, sweetheart. You are." Viki patted her child on the back.
*****
Todd's transport came. As Susannah predicted, Todd did not fully realize what was going on. He moaned slightly when the IV was removed and when he was lifted to the gurney.
Sam made it to the ICU floor as they were wheeling Todd down the hallway. He was happy to know he was considered well enough to go back to his regular room. Sam stroked Todd's head. "Hi, Boomer. I'll see you upstairs."
Todd didn't respond. Susannah rode in the patient transport elevator with him. The others left to meet them on seven.
Susannah waited outside Todd's room for the rest of them. "They have to do vitals on him and get him settled. Why don't we go to the lounge for a few minutes." Once they were all seated, Susannah began. "Have you made any decisions regarding Todd's medication?"
Viki looked at Sam and then at Téa and Kevin.
"Susannah, do you think there is any possibility that he will do okay without the neuroleptic?" Sam asked.
"There is always a possibility, but I honestly think Todd needs to be on one right now, especially given this morning's episode."
"Was it a bad one?" Téa asked.
"Yes. He began to hallucinate and perceive his body as foreign to him," Viki informed Téa. Téa shook her head. "Susannah, perhaps he should just go back on the Zyprexa?" Viki asked.
"I can do that. The problem is, Todd was not getting that much relief from it and some of the alters, especially Thomas, were having some bad side effects." Susannah hated to, nevertheless she went on to say, "I don't want to put pressure on you. However, I would really like to start him on the medication as soon as possible . . . tonight, if you agree."
"Well, unless there is no other choice, I don't want him on clozapine," Viki asserted. "It's bad enough the Dilantin can cause problems with his blood and with so many other things. I do know he absolutely must be on an anticonvulsant."
"I agree completely," Sam affirmed. Viki looked toward Téa and Kevin.
"So do I. Unless there's nothing else to turn to, I don't think we should risk Todd getting agranulocytosis or those other blood disorders," Téa spoke up. They could all tell Téa had been doing her homework. They realized that she used every spare moment she had to research all of Todd's conditions and try to find some fast working miracle out there.
"I agree. It sounds like the risperidone is the safer of the two drugs, at this point, especially if it is not as likely to trigger seizures," Kevin stated.
"You know what really kills me." Sam nervously tapped his hands together as he spoke. "We're all sitting here making these decisions about what's going to happen to Todd's body and mind. Look, I understand that he's incapable of making decisions for himself right now. I know that, if he could, he would walk right out of here and not take any medication, including the anticonvulsant. Still, I hate that he has no say in what's done to him. I can't even begin to imagine what it would feel like to be given drugs you don't want, or to be tied down against your will, or fed whether or not you want to eat. Even being expected to talk about things that you would rather die than talk about seems intolerable to me. I hate that we are the ones doing this to Todd."
Viki linked her arm through Sam's. "I feel the same way, but what else can we do?"
"Mom, Sam. If I were Todd, I would hate you for doing all this to me, now. I know that when Todd's well, he'll be so grateful for all of this," Kevin stated.
"I agree," Téa added. "I believe with all my heart that Todd wants to get well and get back to Starr and his newspaper."
"And you, honey. I know that so much of what is giving Todd the will to fight all this time is his desire to get back to you," Viki took Téa's hand. Téa looked at Viki with glistening eyes.
"So, do I have your permission to start Todd on risperidone?" Susannah pressed.
"What about the Zoloft?" Viki inquired.
I don't want to start him on too many different drugs at once. If there is a problem we won't know which drug is causing it. I would like to wait a couple of days before we start the Zoloft," Susannah replied.
Viki and Sam exchanged looks again. They both nodded. "All right. I will sign the consent form for the drugs," Viki answered.
"I know this isn't an easy decision. I promise you, if there are any problems that warrant the drug being discontinued, I will do it immediately," Susannah assured them. Susannah went in to see how things were going with Todd.
Téa filled Sam and Viki in on her visit with Starr. They were thrilled to hear how well it had gone and were so proud of the things Téa told them about their little Starr. Sam and Viki thought getting together with Starr at a restaurant near the hospital or in the cafeteria was a great idea and hoped Blair would allow it.
Susannah came back out with a nurse they hadn't met before. "Todd is starting to come around. He opened his eyes for a moment. Then he turned over and went back to sleep. In the meantime, I would like to introduce you to the newly hired staff, if you all have the time now?" Susannah requested.
Susannah gathered the six new staff members. After introductions were made, they all assured Todd's family that they would make sure he received the very best of care. As Viki, Sam, Téa and Kevin looked at the kind faces in front of them, they had no doubt. Viki and Sam filled them in on some of the various alters' preferences in television shows, videos, foods, toys, and clothes. The staff let them know that they looked forward to meeting Todd and the others.
As the new staff went about their business, Susannah, Viki and Sam headed in to see if Todd was waking up. Téa and Kevin waited outside. They knew it would not be advisable for either of them to be in the room once he was awake.
*****
Todd seemed to be dreaming as they watched him sleep.
Todd was sitting at the desk in his room, in the house in Chicago that he grew up in. The history midterm was tomorrow. He tried to concentrate, but couldn't. He knew what his father's reaction would be if he brought home a bad grade. Todd felt cold. He checked the thermostat in his room. It was already at seventy-six degrees. He knew his father would be angry to find it up that high. Peter would discipline him for wasting money and for being a "cold little pansy," if he saw it even that high. Todd immediately turned it back down. He hated that, here he was, twelve years old, and he still cringed and started to shake at the thought of his father's rage.
Todd got another sweater from his drawer and slipped it over his head. He tried to go back to his studies. It was useless. It hurt to sit. He had become frightened when, earlier that day, he had discovered bloodstains on his briefs. It had happened to him before. He was afraid that something was really wrong with him, but more afraid and embarrassed to mention it to anyone. Todd feared he had cancer. Even more terrifying was the thought of anyone, even a doctor, touching him "there." So he never said a word.
Todd was also afraid because he had another one of his "blank spots," the night before. He came back around four in the morning to find himself in his bed, naked and sore. He had been trying to orient himself when he felt stomach cramps that nearly caused him to double over. He ran for the bathroom. When he finished and turned to flush, he gasped when he noticed quite a bit of blood in the bowl. In addition to fear, Todd felt disgusting and dirty and he didn't know why. He caught a glimpse of his naked body in the mirror. Shame and revulsion rushed through him. Under any circumstances, he did not like to be or see himself unclothed. Right now, looking at himself caused a wave of nausea so strong he fell to his knees and gripped the sides of the toilet as he retched.
Todd lay shivering on the cold bathroom tiles. He tried to get up. He fell down again. He felt like he was dying. He wondered if he were. "Maybe that's why I'm bleeding?" he thought out loud. Finally, his strength came back a little. He crawled toward the sink and pulled himself up. He splashed some water on his face. Todd looked around to make sure there was no mess on the floor or sides of the bowl. He then took the bathroom cup and rinsed his mouth with some cool water. As he bent over to spit it out, he noticed his hairbrush on the vanity. He lifted it up and took a closer look. There was something on the handle. To Todd's horror he realized it was dried blood. His knees felt weak again. He held on to the sides of the sink. Todd had an overwhelming compulsion to shatter the mirror with the hairbrush and slash his body with the glass.
Suddenly, Todd was no longer in front of the mirror. He was in the locker room at school.
"Hey Manning! I hope the other guy looks worse than you do."
Todd looked up and saw Charlie Jennings, one of his seventh grade classmates, checking out his bruises. "You'd better believe it, Jennings. I wiped the floor with him." Todd responded. As he usually did, he put on his "tough guy" act despite the memory of how he got those particular bruises. Todd could still feel the cold belt buckle tearing into his flesh.
"Hey Charlie, check this out." Another boy called to Charlie.
"See ya later, Manning," Charlie said as he headed for his friend.
Todd quickly dressed. He hated being in the locker room and being exposed that way. He also felt uncomfortable sharing in the camaraderie the other boys enjoyed. It never felt real. He felt like an actor in a play. He knew the right things to say and he said them, but he hated it. He felt separate and different from all the other boys. As he had his entire life, he lived in terror of his secrets being exposed . . . the missing time . . . the unexplained grades to tests he never remembered taking . . . friends he didn't remember making . . . classmates and teachers reminding him of things he didn't remember saying or doing . . . wearing clothes that were not familiar to him . . . all of it terrifying and confusing. Even worse were the secrets he couldn't remember, but knew existed. They were feelings without memories that haunted him day and night.
As Todd was pulling on a sweatshirt, he heard two boys talking. "Did you see that new kid in homeroom?" one boy asked the other.
"Yeah, I think he's a fag," the second boy responded.
"Get outta here. You don't even know what a fag is," the first boy teased.
"Do too! It's a guy who likes to be fucked in the ass and have another guy's tongue in his mouth."
Todd didn't understand why, but he had to get out of there. He felt dizzy and sick. His entire body ached. He started to feel far away and disconnected from everything.
Susannah saw that Todd was starting to squirm around in his sleep. He was obviously distressed. "Todd. Todd, wake up. You're in your own room."
Todd moaned softly. Even this small sound was in a different pitch than Todd's voice.
Susannah suspected he had switched in his sleep. "It's Doctor Hanen. Come on, honey, wake up."
"Todd's" eyes opened slowly.
"Hi, sweetheart." Viki rubbed his shoulder soothingly.
"Hey, pal. You're back in your own room." Sam spoke with a cheerfulness he didn't feel.
"Todd" looked around the room. He sat up. They could see the confusion in his eyes. "It looks clean in here. I like it clean." They all noticed the softness and delicate quality of his face and voice. "Am I still living with that man or with all of you?"
"This is a hospital. This is your room. I'm your doctor. My name is Susannah Hanen." Susannah oriented her and then asked. "Do you have a name?"
"Brina," she answered softly.
"Hello Brina. How old are you?" Susannah asked.
"Twelve."
"Twelve," Susannah exclaimed. "Well, you're a big girl. Do you know Todd?" Brina shook her head. "Do you know Sam and Viki?" Susannah pointed to them both. Brina shook her head again. "Brina, Viki is Todd's sister and Sam is his friend. They both love Todd very much and you live in Todd's body. Do you understand that?"
She once again shook her head. Changing the subject, she asked, "Do I have to go back and live with that man?"
"Do you mean Peter Manning?" Susannah wanted to make sure she understood.
Brina swung her legs over the side of the bed. She felt dizzy. Seeing this Susannah placed her hand on the back of Brina's head and gently pushed it toward her knees. "Brina put your head down for a minute, until the dizziness passes."
Brina pulled away from Susannah's touch. She picked the sheet up by the hem and wiped at the spot on her head that Susannah had touched.
"Brina, did I hurt you in some way?" Susannah asked.
"Touch is bad. I know all about germs. I don't like anyone touching me. Please, do I have to be touched?"
Sam and Viki exchanged looks with Susannah.
"No, honey. As long as you stay safe and don't try to hurt yourself or anyone else, we'll try not to touch you. Sometimes some medical procedure may have to be done, but I promise you, we will wear gloves and be very careful."
"I don't like to be hurt either," Brina cautioned. They noticed tears had welled up in her eyes.
"Brina, are you frightened?" Viki asked the child. Brina nodded. "Brina, Doctor Hanen and the entire staff are very nice and always gentle. They are also very careful about not transmitting any germs. I promise you'll be safe here."
"Brina, do you feel a little better?" Susannah asked.
She nodded. "Can I please use your restroom?"
"Sure you can. Frank," Susannah called out. Frank came into the room. "Frank, this is Brina. She's twelve years old. Brina doesn't like to be touched." Susannah knew Frank heard what was going on from his chair right outside the door. She told him this for Brina's benefit.
"Hi, Brina. My name is Frank and if you need or want anything at all, I want you to tell me or any of the other staff members."
"Frank, Brina wants to use the bathroom. Please take her in there," Susannah instructed.
"No! No!" Brina was horrified.
"What is it, sweetheart? What's wrong?" Viki asked.
"I don't want a man in the bathroom with me. It's private. I don't want anyone in there with me." Brina looked down at her lap. A tear slid down her cheek.
Susannah knelt down to make eye contact with her. "Brina, I understand that you want privacy in the bathroom. It is also very important that you stay safe. It's not safe for you to be without someone with you at all times. We don't want you or Todd or any of the people who live in Todd to get hurt. I'm sorry. I made a mistake. I should have realized that you would want a woman to help you in the bathroom." Susannah turned to Frank. "Will you please get Connie and Janet to help Brina and explain the situation to them?"
"Can they close their eyes while they're in there with me? I don't want them to watch me." Brina was clearly anxious.
"Honey, they're medical professionals. You don't have to be embarrassed in front of them. I will ask them to stand aside and not watch you."
Brina stood up. She realized she was wearing only a hospital gown. She immediately pulled it tightly around herself. "Can I have some clothes? Please!" she pleaded.
"Sure you can, hon. I'll get them for you," Connie told her. She immediately retrieved some pants and a shirt from the drawer. They were blue.
"Do you have any white ones? I like white clothes," Brina requested timidly.
Connie remembered there was one white sweat suit. Most of the children preferred brightly colored clothing. Connie held up the sweat suit. "Is this okay, Brina?"
The young girl nodded and smiled. Her eyes were shining. "It's beautiful. I'll be very careful not to get it dirty. I promise."
"That's okay, hon. No one will ever be angry with you if you spill something on your clothes or on anything or if you get dirty," Connie assured her.
Brina looked confused. "Dirt is very bad. It can kill you." Brina looked at the bed she just vacated and started to straighten the sheets.
"Brina, you don't have to do that. We make the bed for you," Janet informed her.
Brina looked surprised, then disturbed. "Can I please do it myself?"
"Sure, if you like," Susannah agreed.
Brina hesitated before she headed for the bathroom. "No one will touch my bed while I'm gone, will they?" They heard fear in her voice.
"No, Brina. We'll stay right here and make sure no one touches it," Sam promised.
Brina was a little unsteady on her feet, no doubt due to the sedative Todd had been given earlier. Yet she managed to walk unassisted.
"Why do you suppose she came out while Todd was sleeping?" Viki asked Susannah as soon as Brina was out of earshot.
"I'm not sure. Todd appeared to be dreaming. Perhaps the dream triggered the switch," Susannah guessed.
"Do you have any idea why this one is so concerned with germs?" Sam inquired.
"No, not yet. She might be exhibiting mysophobia . . . a fear of germs." Susannah wasn't sure at this point.
"She seems very delicate and fragile," Viki commented.
"She didn't know us or Todd. Do you think Todd just split her off?" Sam asked.
"No. I believe she was probably dormant for a while or for many years. I can't be sure at this time," Susannah explained.
"Do you think her coming out has anything to do with Todd accepting the epilepsy diagnosis or with Saber?" Viki wanted to know.
"I don't think so. I believe she may have more to do with some sexual feelings Todd has."
"Susannah." Connie stepped outside the bathroom and motioned her over. "We have a problem. Brina can't go with us in there with her. She tried. I think she's becoming uncomfortable."
Susannah sighed. She didn't feel comfortable leaving Todd or any of the alters alone, even for a few minutes, especially given Saber's recent threats. Susannah thought for a moment. "All right, why don't you and Janet stand just outside the door? Close it half way."
