Susannah gave him a couple of minutes to control himself. Then she sat next to him and patted his back. "If I tell you that, given the circumstances, it is normal to feel resentful toward Todd and even to think that things might be better if he had died, would you believe me?"

Kevin wiped his eyes and nose with the back of his hand and ran the fingers of both hands through his hair. He took a long deep breath through his nose and shook his head to clear it. "Yes, I believe that people can feel that way, and no, I don't think it's normal. I think it stinks. I think it is horrible and selfish. I know Todd doesn't choose to be this way. I know that he would give anything to be well and able to function and not be dependent on all of us the way he is. I know there is still a part of him in there, somewhere, that just cringes every time he needs Mom and Sam as much as an infant needs a parent. I realize he feels he has lost every shred of dignity. He dies inside every time he thinks of any of us seeing him the way he is, especially Téa. It kills him to have her see him the way he is and it kills her to see him that way."

The words kept pouring out of Kevin. He couldn't stop now if he wanted to. "Oh God! I'm so mixed up about this. Susannah, I swear to you. I don't hate Todd. I don't really want him dead. My heart breaks for what he's been through and I admire his courage and ability to survive things no one else could have. I know I couldn't have." Kevin rolled up his sleeves to expose some scaring on both his forearms.

"Do you see these? I was caught in a bad fire in Canton Ohio back a couple of years ago. You don't know what pain is until you've been burned. I was in agony. I was helpless. I couldn't do anything for myself. I couldn't feed myself or even pee by myself. For weeks the only peace I knew was the painkillers. Do you, for one moment, think everything I went through with those burns even comes close to the pain Todd has gone through? Even though sometimes it felt like the pain wouldn't end, I knew it would. It never did for Todd. The pain started the day Irene and Grandfather handed him over to Peter and it hasn't stopped yet, and it probably never will . . . yet, he survives. He loves his daughter. In his own way he loves my mom and Sam, maybe even Téa and Blair. Do you know what Todd reminds me of? One time I was covering a story in this really bad neighborhood in Philly. I mean bad . . . deserted lots that used to be buildings . . . homes that are now crack dens . . . projects where kids get shot while sleeping in their beds at night. The streets are filthy, strewn with garbage. I was walking down one of those streets and in the middle of all that misery this little flower was growing out of a crack in the sidewalk. I don't know how it managed to survive, but it did."

Susannah patted Kevin's hand. "Being a burn survivor is no small feat itself. I think you probably have a little of that flower in you too."

"I don't know that I really did survive. There's been this big hole inside me ever since that fire. Everything is out of whack since then. I've said and done things that make me wonder if the real Kevin didn't die in that fire. I've really messed up everything I've touched since then . . . Cassie's life . . . my life . . . little River."

Susannah was glad that Kevin brought up his relationship with Cassie. "Do you blame yourself for the problems you and Cassie are having?"

Kevin smiled miserably. "Don't you know? I blamed Todd for that. Yeah. Oh, it wasn't my fault. He's the one. He locked Barbara and me in that wine cellar. Oh yeah. I'm the one who screwed her, but it was all Todd's fault. My family and I were trying to pin a murder he didn't do on him . . . a murder that was so similar to the one he was forced to watch, as a fourteen year old child who'd been beaten and raped himself that night, that it caused him to lose what precious small hold he had on reality . . . but hey, it was still all Todd's fault. It was Todd's fault when he felt so trapped and terrified that it took away what little ability he had to think straight and he felt that the only way anyone would believe he didn't do it was to find the killer himself. It was his fault because he knew I was so weak that I would end up cheating on my wife, with Barbara . . . and he did you know. He somehow knew I was attracted to her even before I did." Kevin was rambling. "That sadistic side of him knew what would happen. It was all his fault because I was as weak as he knew I would be."

Susannah said nothing. She let Kevin continue. She realized that these thoughts had been preying on Kevin's mind for a very long time.

"And I was. I was just as weak as Todd knew I would be. It didn't take long before I was all over Barbara. I got Cassie to leave her husband and child for me and then I threw it all away in just a few minutes. I blamed Todd. I blamed him for taking Cassie from me. Even after she forgave me, things were never the same between us. Never! I contributed to the desperation that drove him to take us hostage. I cheated on the woman I loved, but it was all Todd's fault, never mine. Never the golden boy."

Kevin stood up and walked toward the window.

"Do you still feel that Todd took something precious away from you?" Susannah asked.

"I don't want to. I know that he didn't take it. I threw it away," Kevin responded.

"Intellectually you know that. How do you feel?" Susannah continued pressing.

Kevin hung his head in shame. "Yes, sometimes I still find myself feeling that everything is all Todd's fault."

"Do you feel like you would like to take something precious away from him?" Susannah asked cautiously.

"If you mean do I still want to try to convince my mother that Todd is a lost cause and she is foolish for loving him, no. Susannah, I swear. I may be a selfish, self-centered prick in a lot of ways. I may even still feel jealousy over Mom's love for Todd, but I want him to have my mother in his life. I want him to know the kind of love she has for him."

Susannah paused for a moment. She took deep breath. "Actually, I was referring to Téa."

"Téa! What the Hell is that supposed to mean?" Kevin was incensed.

"Kevin, do you have feelings for Téa?" Susannah asked straight out.

"Of course I have feelings for Téa. I admire her. I have compassion for her suffering. I think she may be setting herself up for a disappointment."

"Why is that?" Susannah posed.

"Oh come on, Susannah. Do you really believe that Todd will be able to be to her the kind of husband she deserves . . . the kind of husband she dreams about?"

"As far as I know Téa believes that. All of Téa's dreams are for a life with Todd," Susannah stated.

"What exactly would that be? Would it also be a life of being a mother to the children and a life of being in fear of Pete and Saber and who knows who else?" Kevin pointed out.

"I think Téa is aware that Todd may have some serious problems for a very long time. She also has plenty of reason to hope."

Kevin turned around and faced Susannah. "I never said she didn't. Don't you think I know how much she loves Todd? He's all she ever talks about or thinks about or dreams about!"

Susannah could tell from the anger in Kevin's voice that she hit a nerve. "Téa is Todd's wife. As you said, she loves him. It isn't surprising that he would constantly be on her mind. Kevin, is Téa on your mind very often?"

Kevin stared at Susannah for a few seconds. He began to nod his head. "I get it. You think I wanna take Téa away from Todd to get back at him for Cassie and my mom and everything else. Jesus, Susannah. You really have a high opinion of me, don't you!" Kevin was not only angry he was also hurt.

"I am not saying you're doing anything deliberately. I'm not even saying that's what you're doing. I'm asking if you think you are," Susannah stated for clarity.

"No! I am not trying to take away what little Todd has. I like Téa's company. Is that a crime!"

"No, of course not. I'm sure Téa likes being with you too, but if you are feeling more than friendship for her you need to face it, because it can cause serious problems for Todd and Téa and for you, Kevin. I care about what happens to you too."

Kevin was furious. "I think you'd better save your concern and your psychiatric skills for Todd. I have no problems when it comes to Téa. She's Todd's wife. She loves Todd. She will wait the rest of her life for Todd, if she has to. I am perfectly clear on all of that. I had my chance with Téa once. I was not very nice to her. I feel bad about that."

Susannah was not aware of Kevin once having a relationship with Téa. "Were you and Téa serious at one point?"

"No. We did sleep together. I was using her because I thought Cassie was going to stay with Andrew. I'm just a wonderful guy, huh?"

"Téa seems to have forgiven you," Susannah acknowledged.

"That's because you have to love someone before they can really hurt you. Téa never loved me. Téa never loved anyone else from the moment she became involved with Todd. She thinks it took a while, but I could see it in her eyes from the beginning."

"Do you wish Téa still had feelings for you?" Susannah asked bluntly.

Kevin didn't answer. Instead he asked, "Why are you asking me all these questions about Téa? Did she say something to you?" Kevin was wondering if finding herself waking up while kissing him got to her in some way.

"No, Téa has never said a word to me about you."

"Has Todd?" Kevin looked at Susannah quizzically. He knew how unlikely it was that, in his present condition, Todd would have brought up Kevin's past or present with Téa. It was even more unlikely because Todd was unaware of Kevin being any part of his life.

Susannah hesitated before she answered. She did not want to drive and even larger wedge in Kevin's relationship with Tom. Then she thought that it would be better if things were out in the open. Kevin may respond badly to it now, however she has confidence in his ability to come to terms with his feelings once he had time to think things through. "Kevin, Tom got the impression that you and Téa are romantically involved."

"What! Why the Hell does he think that? Oh my God! Is it Blair? Did she say something to that child to upset him? I swear, if Blair did that, I'll . . ."

"No! Blair never said anything to him, to my knowledge." Susannah quickly cut him off.

"Then who . . . w-why does he think that?" Kevin calmed down a little. Then it dawned on him. Before Susannah had a chance to answer Kevin asked, "Is that why Tom is so cold and uncomfortable around me? He thinks I am involved with Téa? That I've . . . what . . . stolen her away from him and from Todd?"

Susannah was not qute able to read Kevin's reaction to his realization. "Yes, I believe that is, at least in part, the problem Tom has with you." Susannah looked for signs of anger as Kevin processed what she just told him, but she saw none.

"Damn it! That poor kid. No wonder he's been acting the way he has. I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out what I did to him and how I could fix it. This never occurred to me." Kevin sat down again. "Okay. Tell me how I fix this? What do I say to him?"

Susannah wished it were that simple. "Kevin, the first thing we have to explore is if any of Tom's suspicions are warranted. There may be feelings you are not cognizant of at this point. I think you need to think this through before you say anything to Tom. I can promise you, even if you honestly believe what you say to him at the time, if you have some buried feelings for Téa, he will pick up on them."

"What are you telling me, that he's . . . psychic?" Kevin was half joking.

"I am saying that he and most of the alters are extremely perceptive about what people are really feeling. Most of the alters, particularly Tom, are able to read all of us extremely well. You need to be sure of your feelings before you approach him with this."

Kevin's first reaction was to say that he was sure of his feelings right now. It only took him a few seconds to realize that wasn't entirely true. "Susannah, I swear to you. I don't want to cause Todd or any of them any more suffering. Yes, I still have some feelings of anger toward Todd. I guess I am a little resentful of how his illness has disrupted all our lives. I'll even admit to some jealousy with Mom showing favoritism toward Todd. I also hate what has been done to him. If I could rip Peter Manning apart with my bare hands, I would do it. I may still hate all the things Todd has done, but I don't hate Todd. I don't feel superior to him anymore. Superior, hell! I know myself enough to know that if I had Todd's life and all those things had been done to me . . ." Kevin shook his head. "I never would have survived, or if I had, I would have turned out a thousand time worse than Todd ever was. I probably would have become a serial killer or something. Todd not only managed to survive, he managed to keep parts of him that could love and be loved intact. He managed to keep parts of his heart kind and good. He kept parts for compassion for others, like Eli and Paloma. Yeah, sure he had to compartmentalize some of his feelings into the alters, but they're there. I admire him. In some ways he's my hero." Admitting his feelings embarrassed Kevin. "Okay, now before I start singing You Are the Wind Beneath My Wings let me make sure I understand this. You don't want me to say anything to Tom about this."

"No. Not until you have examined your feelings about Téa."

Kevin looked Susannah in the eye. "I can't promise you that I know what my feelings are at this point." Kevin sighed deeply. "I can promise you I will never do anything to hurt Todd or any of them. If I find that, for whatever reason, I do have feelings for Téa that I shouldn't have; I will never act on them. I will always respect that Téa is Todd's wife and that she loves him with all her heart."

Susannah believed him. "That is all anyone can ask of you. I want to thank you for talking to me and for your honesty."

Kevin shook his head. A small laugh escaped. "So this is a sample of what Todd and my mom have to go through. No offense Susannah, these little chats hurt like Hell. I can't even begin to imagine what it must feel like when they lead to all these painful and terrifying memories coming through. I thought the physical therapy I had to go through for my burns was painful. It was a walk in the park compared to this."

"Therapy can be one of the most painful things anyone has to go through, especially in cases like Todd's," Susannah affirmed.

"How did my mom get through this? How, in God's name, is Todd ever going to be able to get through it with everything he has to remember and overcome?" It seemed insurmountable to Kevin. Then he thought for a second and answered his own question. "I guess if he managed to get through his childhood, he will get through therapy. I do think you really will have your work cut out for you."

"You're not going to get an argument from me there," Susannah smiled. She looked at her watch. "It's nearly noon. Why don't you get some lunch or get some air. I think you've had enough of me for the time being. I want to go up to seven and make sure everything is ready for Todd to be brought back to his room. I scheduled a staff meeting for one-thirty. Your mom gave me the go ahead to hire three more techs and three more nurses. They should be here around one. I think Frank and some of the others could use a little more time off than they've been having. I don't want them burning out. I want to make sure everyone is up to speed before Todd is brought back to seven, especially, with the threat Saber presents." Kevin seemed perplexed. "Do you have any questions?" Susannah asked.

"Yeah. I don't understand Saber. What pleasure does he get in hurting Todd? I mean okay, I understand some of the alters don't feel pain. So this Saber can hurt Todd's body and not feel it himself, but why? Even Pete, who hates Todd and will hurt him if he has to, is still there to protect Todd. Saber's only purpose seems to be to hurt and torture Todd."

"Saber is what we call an internal persecutor. Pete is a milder variation of Saber, in some ways, but his purpose is very different. You are right. Pete is still a helper alter. Saber's purpose is to punish. He may have started out as a helper who became discouraged when the other alters or Todd couldn't or wouldn't accept his help or his way of doing things. He may have become disillusioned in some other ways. He became angry, hostile, deeply embittered and self-defeatist within the system. He had no place to direct that pain except internally. Now, his sole purpose is to harm Todd and the alters for the sin of causing the abuse. That is one of the reasons Saber allows Rocky to hang out with him. Rocky also believes that Todd and the alters are the cause of the abuse. However, Rocky's need for the perfect, loving father is behind his beliefs. Saber may try to use Rocky to hurt Todd or some of the alters. Rocky needs Saber and looks up to him. He may also fear him. If Saber tells him to do something he will most likely do it. So we also have to watch out for him too."

Kevin was very frightened for Todd and for the others. "Why does Saber want to punish Todd so much? What the Hell did Todd or the alters ever do to him?"

"Saber is the embodiment of Todd's self-hatred. Like Peter, he believes Todd and probably all the other alters deserve to be punished. He enjoys having power and control over Todd and the others. He gets immense satisfaction from their fear. He gets precisely the reaction he wants out of Todd and usually out of us," Susannah explained.

"Are you and Mom and Sam afraid of him?"

"Only of what he can do to Todd. When he came out this morning, your mother begged him to leave Todd alone. That was exactly what he wanted. He incensed Sam to the boiling point." Susannah smiled sadly. "Yes, sir. Saber had a good time for himself this morning."

Kevin sighed. He just couldn't comprehend this. "In the end, what did he get out of it? Todd had to be put to sleep. What good did that do Saber? Is he able to somehow stay awake inside and still enjoy this?"

"No. Even with their different tolerance to medication, when Todd is that heavily sedated they all go to sleep. Saber knows that at this point he can just push us so far and then his fun is over. It's his long range plans that concern me."

Kevin looked at Susannah. She saw the fear in his eyes. "You don't really think he would try to kill Todd?"

"Yes, I'm afraid I do."

"Oh come on. He can't be that far gone that he believes he'll survive without Todd's body?" Kevin couldn't comprehend that.

"Like some of the others, he believes he has his own body. Pete knows he uses Todd's body. He believes that he has his own, but I know he has his doubts as to his survival without Todd. He won't admit it. He is not much of a threat to Todd. Saber, on the other hand, believes he is totally autonomous. I asked him to look at his body. He acted like he was seeing Todd's body. I believe he was seeing his own."

Kevin got up and stood behind the chair he had been sitting in. "How are you going to stop Saber?"

"We step up all precautions for starters. Then we try to find some way of making cooperation seem attractive to Saber and get him to contract with us for Todd's and the alter's safety and for his promise not to disrupt Todd's therapy. Perhaps there is something he wants."

"You know what he wants. He wants Todd dead!" Kevin exclaimed.

"Hopefully, there is something he wants more than that. I kind of doubt it, at this point. Perhaps we can work with Saber to help him let go of some of his hatred, or get him to transfer his hatred back to Peter. Once his reason for wanting to see Todd suffer goes away, so will his need to hurt him. I am afraid we are a long way off from that happening at this stage."

Susannah knew Kevin really had as much as he could tolerate for one day. "Kevin, I think we've had enough for now. There is just one more thing. How would you feel about my letting Todd know that you have been visiting some of his alters?" Kevin was surprised. He thought about it for a minute. Susannah could see something was deeply troubling him. She had a pretty good idea what it was. "Are you concerned about what you mentioned earlier? Are you worried that if Todd does not want you around you may not be able to see Timmy?"

Kevin felt so confused. He knew that Timmy was a part of Todd, yet the thought of being kept away from him cut into Kevin's heart like a dagger. "Susannah, I don't understand why I feel this way. I don't think I could stand it if Todd decided that I was not allowed to visit Timmy. I wish I knew why I loved that little boy so much. I care about all of them. I hope once I get to know some of the others, like Tom, I will love them as much. Right now the thought of no longer being a part of Timmy's life just kills me." Kevin looked away. Clearly, he was feeling ashamed of himself. "Even my feelings about Duke being so far away are not as strong. I have absolutely know idea why I feel the way I do, and even less of an idea what to do about it. Please don't ask me to do something that will cause me to lose my relationship with Timmy."

Susannah's heart broke for Kevin. She could see that he was more attached to Timmy than was healthy, and in some ways Timmy was too dependent on Kevin. Yet, they both seemed to be thriving with this relationship. "Kevin, I can't promise you that Todd will agree to let you see Timmy. I can promise you, that if and when I speak with him about you, I will make it very clear to him that Timmy's relationship with you is very important to him. Todd still hasn't accepted the DID diagnosis. He acknowledges it, but only in the most abstract terms. He thinks of Timmy and Tom and 'the bad one,' as he thinks of Pete . . . the three alters that he knows about . . . as completely separate from him. That was one of the reasons he agreed to allow Téa to visit. He didn't want to see a four and a seven year old kid feel hurt."

Kevin smiled. "Yeah, Todd loves kids. He would never do anything to hurt a kid or to make one unhappy. Even if that kid is inside him," Kevin conceded.

"I believe once Todd realizes that Timmy depends on you being there for him, he will agree to visits. I'm hoping that will also help him to begin to trust you. Do you think you could handle having a relationship with Todd, himself?"

"I don't know. We never could get along, not even in college. Todd really pushes all my buttons," Kevin confessed.

"Todd may feel the same way about you, but are you willing to try?"

Kevin thought again for a moment. "Yes. Todd may see me the same way he always did. The way I see him has changed radically. Maybe now, when he tries to push my buttons, I won't react the same way." Then Kevin remembered the way he reacted to Pete. "I don't know, Susannah. The one thing I don't ever want to do is to cause Todd or any of them, even Pete, any more pain. I don't think I could stand it if that happened again."

Susannah did not want to put Kevin in that position. "I won't be talking to Todd about this just yet. He has a lot to deal with. Now he has to accept the epilepsy diagnosis on top of everything else. When I do speak with him, I will be very cautious. I don't want either of you to be hurt."

Kevin looked at his watch. It was now twelve-thirty. "I think I'd better head for the paper and see if Mom needs . . . I was going to say 'my help,' but I'm the one who messed up the negotiations in the first place."

"Kevin, you really are much too hard on yourself. I know for a fact that your mom loves you very much and she is extremely proud of you. Especially for the way you have helped out since Christmas time. I don't know how your mother would cope without you. Both she and Sam are very grateful to you for what you've done and for the way you help out with Timmy."

Kevin blushed slightly. Susannah's praise embarrassed him, but not as much as his need for it. "Thanks. Is it all right if I stop by the ICU and take a quick peek at Todd before I go? If he's awake I won't go near him."

Susannah stood up and patted Kevin's shoulder. "Sure. If he had woken up someone in ICU would have called me. He should be out for another couple of hours. I'm hoping he will not wake up until after the transfer back to his room." Susannah headed for seven and Kevin for the ICU.

*****

Susannah was right and Todd was still in a deep sleep. Kevin stood by his bed and looked down at him. "I think I know why I started to hate you. Why did you always hate me, Todd? I wish you could tell me. Did I do something to you? Is it just a clash in our personalities?" Kevin whispered. He brushed away the hair that had fallen in Todd's face as he slept. He looked at Todd closely. He could see no trace of Timmy. He also could no longer see the person he hated. He saw Todd, but he felt no hatred for him. "At least not until you open your mouth and start pushing my 'I hate Todd buttons,'" he joked, even though Todd remained in a deep sleep. Kevin stroked Todd's head tenderly. Kevin thought of Téa. "I guess she saw something in you that I couldn't see. Even after all you did to her, she was able to see the good Todd." Kevin remembered what Téa's kiss had felt like, a kiss that had been meant for Todd. "You've got a lot to come back for, man. Todd, I know it's hard. I also know you can do it. You can have a good life. It's not too late." Kevin stroked Todd's head one more time. He closed his eyes tightly as he felt tears stinging them. Todd started to stir.

Kevin quickly moved away from the bed. A part of him desperately wanted to talk to Todd. He needed to know how he would feel and react when it was Todd he was dealing with. He was terrified of facing Todd and at the same time he wanted Todd to know that he was there for him. Kevin watched from the doorway as a nurse checked on Todd. He had not woken up. He probably would awaken soon.

Kevin left the ICU. He sat in a chair in the lounge. He thought about what he had told Susannah. He couldn't believe that he had said, out loud, thoughts he considered so vile and hateful. Do I still want to hurt you, Todd? Damn it! What the Hell is it I am feeling for Téa? Kevin thought to himself. "Oh, God. Do I have the same cruelty and sadism in me as Grandpa Victor and Peter Manning? Could I do something that would hurt Timmy or the others?" Kevin thought these tortured thoughts out loud. He had to know how he would feel once it was Todd and not Timmy or the other children he had to interact with. Kevin decided to tell Susannah that as soon as she felt Todd was up to it, he wanted to come face to face him. He wondered if Téa had any of the same suspicions about his feelings for her as Tom did. He was very sure she didn't have a clue. Thoughts of Todd filled her mind, leaving room for no one else.

Kevin wanted to make things right with Tom. He wanted to be able to care for him as he did for Timmy. Thinking of Tom broke his heart. He could not believe his relationship with Todd had become so important to him. He was obsessed with it. Kevin knew there was nothing he could do about it right now. Right now there were just two things Kevin wanted . . . to have a drink and to see Téa. "I just like talking to her, that all!" he whispered to himself. He tried to fight the desire to do either of the things he desired. Kevin sat in the lounge struggling with those desires for another half-hour. Things were calm in the ICU. Kevin lost the fight. Disgusted with himself, he headed out to get a drink. He knew he would then try to find Téa.

TO BE CONTINUED