"No! No! Please! Don't let Starr be punished that way. Don't let him hurt her. Starr! Starr!" He reached out for Starr. They knew it was Todd. He had once again come back to find himself in Téa's arms.

*****

"STARR! PLEASE! DON'T LET HIM HURT HER! STARRRRR!"

"Todd, shhhh. It's all right. Starr is safe. No one is hurting her," Téa soothed. Todd was totally disoriented. He didn't realize Téa was holding him. For the minute he didn't recognize her voice. "Todd, remember when that terrorist came. I didn't let him hurt Starr. I would never let anyone hurt Starr."

Some recognition came into Todd's eyes. He stopped struggling and he was quiet for a few moments. He pulled away from Téa and sat back on his heels. "Delgado?" Todd's tone was a mixture of desperation and sadness.

"Yes. I'm here. You're safe and so is Starr."

Susannah stood by quietly. Her instincts were telling her to allow Téa to interact with Todd. Viki and Sam rushed to the dayroom. Susannah put her hand up to let them know to just stand by quietly, for now.

"You wouldn't let him hurt Starr. You let him hurt you instead." Todd remembered the day Téa spoke of.

"I love Starr. I would always save her," Téa swore to him.

Todd was quiet again. He realized he felt sticky all over. He was confused. He didn't have a grasp on the situation. He knew Téa was there, but it really didn't hit him yet. "I'm all sticky. Why . . .?"

"It's okay. You accidentally spilled some pancakes and syrup on yourself. You can get . . .” Téa stopped mid-sentence. She saw a look of horror on Todd's face. He got on all fours, like Tom had. He brushed his hand along the floor, trying to find the spilled food.

The staff looked at Susannah to see if she wanted Todd restrained. Susannah shook her head.

"Todd, it's okay. The spill was cleaned up," Téa stated soothingly.

"No . . . I-I have to . . . I'm . . . I'm clumsy . . . I'm a . . . " Todd stopped talking. His expression became fearful. "Oh God! Delgado! Delgado! I remember!" Todd sat back on his heels again. "I was clumsy. I was always clumsy. I would be so afraid when I ate that I would drop or spill something and that would make it worse. I'd get clumsier. I'd drop the fork or the spoon or knock the glass over or I'd drip something on myself. The only things I didn't make a mess with were sandwiches and things I could pick up with my hands. He thought I was disgusting. He called me a clumsy bastard and an animal. I was! I was so clumsy. I dropped food. I dropped his camera. I dropped the ball. He hated me for it." Todd started to cry.

Téa's heart broke for him. Then it hit her. 'Oh my God! Is that why he only feels comfortable eating with his hands? That monster! How could he have done what he did to him? How could he have done that to a little boy?' Téa thought. Téa remembered giving Todd "a look," because of his eating habits, when they were dining out. She remembered him saying something like, "What? Come on. I can't help it." She suddenly realized that he wasn't just saying that. He really could not help it. "Oh God. Todd, I'm so sorry. I . . ." Téa desperately wanted to make Todd realize it was Peter and not he who should have been punished. "Todd, every child drops things. Your dad wasn't being reasonable. No child could have lived up to his expectations. He was so wrong in making you feel clumsy and afraid to eat."

"No! I was bad. I was clumsy. He disciplined me. He let me know how clumsy I was. He . . .” Todd stopped talking again. He looked stunned. "No! He wouldn't have done that to me. He . . . wou . . . no!" Todd whispered to himself.

"It's okay. Todd, I'm right here," Téa assured him. Téa looked up at Susannah. She was not sure she should continue. Susannah indicated to her that she was doing fine. "It's all right to tell me," Téa pressed. "What do you remember?" >[? Todd leaned back on his heels and threw his head back and cried out, "Delgado, oh God! He made me get down on the floor and lick it up, like an animal. If I couldn't lick it up fast enough he would push my face in it. My mom would try to stop him. He would hit her or he would push her down in the mess too. After a while she stopped trying to help. I don't blame her. I just kept getting clumsier. It happened more and more. She started always giving me things I could just pick up and eat without a knife or fork or a spoon. Then he caught on and he would make her give me things that were hard to eat." Tears were streaming down Todd's cheeks and down Téa's.

Téa remembered all the times she made fun of Todd's table manners. She remembered how he had gone out of his way to eat a baked potato with a knife and fork for her. To make him feel comfortable, she picked hers up with her fingers and ate it that way. It had almost become a joke between the two of them. She thought that was just Todd's way of not conforming with society . . . his way of thumbing his nose at convention. She had no idea.

Todd continued to remember. "My mom got hurt because I was clumsy. I made my dad punish me because I was clumsy."

"No! You were just being a normal little boy. He never should have punished you and degraded you for doing that. Your mom should have found a way to stop him."

"No, Delgado. It was me. It's always me."

"No! Todd, listen to me. Would you have ever done that to a child? To Starr . . . to any child . . . no matter what they spilled?"

"No," Todd whispered. He brought his head down to his lap. Téa saw his body convulse in sobs.

Without thinking, she moved close to him and started to stroke his head. "It's all right, shhh. It's all right," Téa whispered to him.

"Delgado!" Todd cried. He reached out to Téa and held on tightly. Téa felt his body tremble as he continued to weep. "I was just a kid too. I would never do that to a kid. What was wrong with me? Why did he hate me so much? Why couldn't I ever get it right?"

Téa held him and rubbed his back. "Shhhh. You did get it right. He's the one who got it wrong. He had this perfectly wonderful, brilliant and gifted child given to him. He should have cherished you and instead he abused you. You didn't do anything wrong."

"I just wanted him to love me," Todd sobbed.

"I know. I know. Shhhh. It was your father. He's the one who couldn't get it right. He the one who didn't know how to love."

"I tried so hard to be good. I tried to be worthy of his love and my mother's love. I'm just not lovable. There is something wrong with me . . . something missing and broken. I was born bad and everyone knows it. Everyone knows it." His sobs and his mouth pressing against Téa’s shoulder muffled Todd’s words.

Téa held on to him tightly. "No, that's not true. Oh, Todd. That is so not true. You are very lovable. Sam and Viki love you so much. Starr loves you . . ."

"They have too," Todd cut her off. "I'm Viki's brother. Sam has a thing for orphans. They feel obligated. Starr is only a little girl. She doesn't know what I really am."

"What about me, Todd? I'm not obligated. I'm not a little girl. I love you. Todd, I love you with all my heart. I have never loved anyone the way I love you." Téa pulled him away from her with her hands holding on to both his arms. She shook him gently. "Oh, Todd. I love you. How can I get that through to you? How can I get you to feel it? I love you!" Téa pulled him toward her again and hugged him tightly.

Todd held on to her. He kept whispering, "Delgado, Delgado." Suddenly Todd quickly pulled away from her arms. He seemed to panic. He crawled a few feet away from her. He was feeling his way with his outstretched hand. "You pity me, Delgado! That's why you're saying that. You pity me." Todd put his hands up over his ears. They knew he was hearing voices or at least a voice, possibly Saber.

Téa stood up and walked over to where he Todd on his knees. He was rocking back and forth. She knelt down to him. "No! Don't listen to them, Todd." She pulled his hands away from his ears. "Todd! Don't listen to the voice. It's lying to you. I don't pity you. I love you. I want to help you. That's not pity. It's love."

"No! She's lying to you Todd. She thinks you're so stupid you'll believe anything. She comes here to see the show. Then she goes home and she laughs at you. Look at you! You're crawling around and banging into things. You're crazy! She knows you're crazy. They told her. She knows about us. She laughs at you just like those women your father dated laughed at you. They would smile at you and pretend they liked you and then laugh at you behind your back. She says she loves you, but she will leave you just like all of them. Téa, Viki, Sam, they will all leave you. Starr will leave you when she's old enough to wise up. Even that lady shrink will leave you when she realized you're too crazy to be helped."

The voice Todd heard began to laugh wildly. "SHUT UP!" Todd shrieked to the voice. He turned back in the direction Téa's voice had come from. "GET OUT, DELGADO! GET OUT!" Todd screamed.

"Todd, please! Listen to me!" Téa begged. She tried to stay calm.

"They told me you wanted to come visit my al . . .” Todd couldn't bring himself to say the word. "To visit those kids," he continued. "Well I'm not those kids. I'm Todd! Disgusting, crazy, Todd. A disappointment to everyone. Todd who hurt you and threw you out in the snow and tied you up. Todd who couldn't be a husband to you . . . who . . . who couldn't even find the words to talk to you most of the time. You kept telling me how I threw you out in the snow and how I abused you. Are you stupid? No, you're not stupid. You're just a liar. You're like all of them. Only you're not lying to hurt me. You're lying because you pity me. I DON'T NEED THAT, DELGADO! You wanna see those kids. SEE THEM! JUST STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME. GET AWAY!"

"Todd!" Téa begged.

"Get away," he whispered.

"Please Todd!" Téa pleaded again.

"GET AWAY! GET AWAY! GET AWAY!" Todd screamed at the top of his lungs.

Viki and Sam could not understand why Susannah was not putting a stop to this. They had started to walk to Todd several times and Susannah had put her arm out to block them. She felt Téa's visit was therapeutic for Todd. He was opening up to her. Now, he was starting to get out of control. Susannah walked over to where Téa knelt. She patted her shoulder and motioned for Téa to stand up. Téa got up quietly and went to stand over by Sam and Viki. She was crying. Sam put his arm around her shoulder and Viki took her hand.

"Todd, it's Doctor Hanen. It's all right. Téa's going to leave now. I want you to calm down."

Todd couldn't hear her.

"Look at you, Todd! All covered with syrup. You can't even eat like a man. You deserve to eat on the floor like the animal you are. You broke the glass Todd. Hold out your hand!"

"No, please! I'll clean up the glass," Todd cowered.

"Tell me about the glass," Susannah asked. She was kneeling next to him.

"Listen to you, begging like a little girl. HOLD OUT YOUR HAND LIKE A MAN]!" Todd held out a trembling hand. "[You shake like a little girl too. You disgust me. I'm ashamed of you. Téa is watching you. She sees that you're not a man. Not in any way, Todd!"

"STOP IT! SHUT UP!" Todd shrieked.

"Todd, try to hear my voice. Listen to my voice, Todd. Don't listen to the voice that's talking to you. Sam and Viki are here. Do you want them to hold you?" Susannah tried to redirect his attention to her voice.

"HOLD OUT YOUR HAND!" Todd could not hear Susannah. He heard only the voice that tormented him. Todd felt the broken glass cutting into his hand. He tried to keep his face free from any expression of pain. "Stand up!" Todd knew it was time for the rest of his punishment. He tried to stand up. The hospital issue socks he wore were sticky with syrup and that added to his sense of disorientation. He felt as if someone were holding his legs to the ground.

"Todd, if you want to stand up we will help you. Frank is right behind you. Do you want him to help you to stand up?" Susannah asked. Todd couldn't hear her.

"Stand up Todd. I'm going to teach you how not to be clumsy. STAND UP!" Suddenly, Todd shook his head as if he were clearing it. "Ohhhh! Ohhhh! Doctor Hanen! Doctor Hanen!"

"I'm right here, Todd." Susannah took his hand.

"I can remember it. Make it go away. Make it go away! Please!"

"Todd, tell me what you remember? What do you want me to make go away?"

"The memory. Make it go away!" Todd pleaded.

Susannah waved Sam and Viki over. They left Téa standing by the doorway and walked to where Todd and Susannah knelt on the floor.

"Todd, I'm here and Sam and Viki are here. It's safe to remember. Memories can't hurt you. Keeping them inside can. Tell us what you remember," Susannah pushed.

"Viki!" Todd cried out.

Viki knelt down to him and took him in her arms. She ignored the sticky mess, just as Téa had. "I'm here, sweetheart. Tell us what you remember."

Todd was quiet for a moment as more memories made their way into his consciousness. "It didn't end with him making me lick the food off the floor." Todd held out his hand. "He would cut my hand. If there was any broken glass, he would cut my hand with it. I'd have to hold it out perfectly still and he would cut my hand." Todd's trembling increased to the point that Viki's body was shaking along with his "Then he would take off his belt," Todd whispered. "He disciplined me to teach me to be a man."

"No, Todd. That is not how you teach a little boy to be a man. Your father abused you," Sam stated firmly.

"Coach!" It was Tom's voice.

"Yes, Boomer. I'm right here."

"My dad loved me. Didn't he, Coach?"

"Your dad didn't know how to show love, Boomer."

"Mommy, I want you to talk to me."

"Timmy?" Viki asked. Timmy suddenly surfacing shocked her.

"Mama fell down. It was my fault. I didn't help her." They recognized Jimmy's voice.

"Mommy lied to me. Leave me alone. I wanna go back to sleep."

"Andy, is that you?" Sam asked. He was totally confused and frightened by Todd's rapid switching.

"Don't talk bad about mama. She loves us. Can I have some orange soda? No! No shed! I'm afraid of the dark. He can't hurt me!" They knew that was Thomas.

"He's sad cause he's bad. He'll hold him down so he'll drown." Todd's hand started making circular motions.

"The beanstalk is growing too high. Throw the beans away. There's too much wool. I can't breath!" he whispered. They recognized Peep and Willie before him.

"I can't dwink cause I bad boy." Todd started to suck his thumb and rub his cheek. Baby Todd had come out.

"Susannah, what the hell is going on?" a terrified Sam asked.

Viki put both arms around Todd and held him to her tightly. "Sweetheart, it's over. You remembered it. You're safe."

Todd's hand shot out in front of him. "Burn me!" They knew that was Bad Boy.

"Todd! Come to the front. Come to my voice," Susannah called firmly. "Todd!"

"What?" Todd sounded startled.

"Todd, it's Doctor Hanen. Sam and Viki are here. You're in your room. You're safe. Viki is holding you. Can you feel Viki holding you?"

"My head hurts. It's so loud. Make it be quiet. There's too much noise."

Todd buried his head in Viki's shoulder. She felt Todd's body relax completely in her arms. "Okay, sweetheart. That's it. Just relax. Everything's going to be all right." Todd didn't move a muscle. "Todd?" Viki lifted his head and brushed away the syrup-covered hair that was sticking to his face. His eyes were blank.

"Todd, I want you to come back to the front. Come to my voice." Susannah tried again. There was no response this time. "Goodone, please help Todd to come back out. He's safe. He was just frightened by what he remembered. Let him know it's safe to come out and talk to us about what he remembered." There was still no response. Susannah tried for another fifteen minutes. She tried contacting Carol and Miss Perkins and some of the alters that had just come out. Susannah noticed that only some of the vulnerable child alters had come out, the alters who helped to handle Peter's sadistic urges. No one came forward. She realized Todd had been become totally overwhelmed by the last couple of day's events. Intrusive memories had been coming to him for days and he had reached his limit, for now.

Susannah told Jeff and Dan to bathe Todd and wash his hair again. After his bath, he was to be put in the easy chair and he was to be kept in arm's length of two staff members at all time.

Téa, who had been standing near the door, trembling, as she witnessed what had happened, joined Sam, Viki and Susannah. They went to the lounge area near Todd's room.

*****

"Susannah, I remember sometimes when things were very stressful I was able to hear most of my alters at once. Is that what happened to Todd?" Viki asked. She was still as frightened as Sam and Téa were for Todd.

"Yes," Susannah confirmed. "The memories and the feelings they brought forth caused many of the alters to surface, simultaneously. Communication started within Todd's system. There was mass confusion going on inside his head. No one wants to come out. They need a break. They've been through a lot recently. Todd is doing what he needs to do."

"Doctor Hanen, did I do this to him? I'm one who gave Tom the pancakes. I didn't help him cut them because I didn't want to embarrass him. I was supposed to leave if Todd came out. I brought up his father's actions being abusive. I mentioned Starr. I did this to him." Téa was racked with guilt.

"No. Téa you were very good with him. You got him to remember this particular abuse," Susannah stated.

"But look what happened! I caused all those alters to come out at once and caused Todd to go so far inside that you can't reach him," Téa pointed out as a tear slid down her left cheek.

"Honey, I was the one who was holding Todd and talking to him when he went inside. You heard Susannah. Todd needs this," Viki comforted her.

Susannah took Téa's hand and explained. "Todd has made a lot of progress this week. Unfortunately, it comes with a price. Todd paid the price and now he needs to rest. The whole system needs to rest. So it has shut down. It's like a circuit breaker. When the circuits become overloaded, the whole system shuts down to protect itself. What happened here today is a positive thing."

"Todd still wanted me to get away from him. He doesn't believe I love him," Téa responded sadly.

"Todd doesn't believe any of us love him. You heard him. I'm only here because I have a thing for orphans. Viki is only here because she's his sister and she has to be. He can't even imagine that Starr really loves him. He can't feel it Téa, not from you . . . not from any of us," Sam stated.

"How can he not believe Starr loves him?" Téa couldn't understand.

"Honey, Todd doesn't love himself. He hates himself. He can only see the Todd that Peter drummed into his head. Now, on top of everything else he has felt his whole life, he has the DID, depression, psychosis, Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, blindness, memories that are getting closer to the surface and so many other things to contend with. When you feel so totally unlovable, you can't imagine that anyone is telling the truth when they say they love you. I know this first hand, Téa. When I was sick I didn't believe Clint or the children or anyone could really love me."

"Oh, Viki. How did you do it? How did you either of you do it? How did you survive?" Téa could not begin able to imagine how it was possible.

"Well, for one thing we both have a brilliant doctor," Viki smiled and squeezed Susannah's hand. "For another, both Todd and I have something in common with you. We are very strong."

"Oh no, Viki. I'm not strong. I spent months avoiding Todd's problems. I lost myself in work in order not to have to think about him and how he felt about me and the suffering he was going through."

Viki looked Téa straight in the eye. "But you were never able to really stop thinking about him, were you?"

"No, never," Téa confessed as fresh tears fell.

"That's because you are too strong and too determined to have a life with my brother to let go. No matter how hard you tried a part of you was in there fighting for Todd. Honey, you have been fighting for Todd since the day you met him. You have never stopped."

Téa hugged her sister-in-law. "Having you for a sister is one of the best parts of hanging in there and fighting for Todd," Téa acknowledged.

"For me too," Viki agreed.

"Doctor Hanen, did Viki or Sam ever tell you about Todd's eating habits?" Téa asked.

"You mean that he prefers to eat with his fingers?"

"Yes. Do you think it's because of the fear he felt of dropping utensils if he used them?"

"That is very likely the case. Todd feels comfort in eating with his hands because it was the one way he was able to eat without fearing too much punishment. Also, it was a way to feel his mother's help and love. She couldn't save him from the punishment, so she tried to help him by keeping him from getting into a situation where he would become more nervous and more likely to drop the utensils and spill things."

"Todd always acted like he was doing it just to be rude." Téa commented.

"I think that may have been a part of it. Todd feels like he is not a part of society. He has stated that he doesn't even feel human. He feels like he will never fit in anyway, so why not give everyone a really good reason to reject him," Susannah explained further.

"I can understand that. I remember one time, when I was just a little girl, these snobby friends from ballet class, whom I was trying to impress by passing myself off as one of them, found out I was Puerto Rican. They all started treating me differently after that. Maybe I also felt different and that made them treat me that way. I don't know. Once I realized I couldn't fit in with them anymore I thought 'to hell with them.' I started playing up my ethnicity to the hilt. I became a caricature of every ethnic stereotype I had ever seen. I did everything but walk around with a bowl of fruit on my head. For me, it was like spitting in their faces. I wonder if that's how Todd felt?" Téa questioned sadly. Then she confessed, "I never stopped feeling like that little girl who never fit in unless she lied about who she was . . . until I met Todd. He was the first one who made me happy to be me. I wish I could have done the same for him."

"You are, Téa." Sam began. "You make Todd want to try. You make him want to be what you and he know he can be."

"Sam is right. I think the main reason Todd is still struggling and fighting so hard is that getting back to you and Starr is always in the back of his mind. I think even when he is so sick that he completely breaks with reality and nothing gets through, there is a part of his brain that is remembering you and wanting the life you both dreamed of," Viki added. Téa hugged Viki again.

Susannah looked at her watch. It was ten-fifty. "Viki, our session is supposed to start in ten minutes. Would you like to postpone it for a little later? It's all right. I know you've already been through so much this morning."

Viki's first thought was relief. She was about to gratefully say yes to a postponement when she thought about it for a minute. "No. Thank you, but if you're up to it so am I. Todd set a good example for me. Let this be the morning that the two children that Father did the most damage to face their demons right in the eye."

Susannah smiled. "I'm happy you feel that way. I'm going to head back to my office and I will see you in about ten minutes."

"I'll be there. I just want to check on Todd and freshen up and . . ." Viki and Téa both looked down at themselves and realized what sticky messes they were. "Uh . . . I may be a little longer than ten minutes," Viki confirmed. She held her sticky blouse away from her. She then turned to Téa. "Honey, I keep plenty of extra clothes in the family lounge. Would you like to shower and change before you go to the office?"

Téa, who was much more of a sticky mess than Viki, gratefully took her up on the offer.

*****

Susannah headed for her office. Viki, Téa and Sam headed for the dayroom. Todd had been bathed. They put a hospital gown on him. It made access to his needs easier whenever he was in a dissociative state. They put his warm robe on top of the hospital gown and soft, heavy socks on his feet. Todd's hair was once again clean, brushed and shiny. He was sitting in the easy chair with a blanket wrapped around him for extra warmth. A pillow had been placed behind him for additional comfort. Terry was in the process of administering a feeding. Frank stabilized his head in an upright position. Todd's knees were drawn to his chest. His eyes were blank.

"Sometimes when he is like this he will willingly swallow soft foods it they are fed to him," Viki reminded, Terry and Frank.

"Yes. We are hoping for that. An hour after the this feeding we are going to try some hot cereal," Terry answered and stroked Todd's head.

Viki was relieved to know that this staff took such good care of Todd. Sam stayed with Todd. Viki and Téa headed off to shower and change.

*****

Viki made it to Susannah's office by eleven-twenty. "That was pretty fast," Susannah commented.

"Yes. Unlike poor Téa, the syrup didn't get in my hair. And I get to wear my own clothes." Viki didn't know whether to smile or cry when Téa left for the office with her hair still damp. She was wearing one of Viki's outfits, which was a couple of sizes to big for her. "Téa has been through so much. I don't imagine she ever would have dreamed of all this when she agreed to marry Todd," Viki guessed. She shook her head slightly.

"No, I don't imagine she did, but what you told Téa is true. She is very strong and she loves Todd very much. I believe that combination will help sustain her. Viki I know you probably have many more questions about what happened with Todd this morning, but you know the rule here."

Viki smiled at Susannah. "Yes. This time is for me . . . to talk about my demons and to let Todd's rest for a while."

Smiling back, Susannah replied. "Exactly. If you like and you're up to it, we can talk about what happened with Todd afterward. If Sam has any questions he can join us."

Secrets 82, Page 2