*****

Susannah could see the tension return to Todd's body. His face became taut. "Todd, it's Doctor Hanen. You're in your bed, in your room at the hospital. You're safe. Sam and Viki are here too. Everything is all right. Open your eyes." Todd shook his head violently. Susannah knew he wasn't fully with them yet. "Todd, it's safe to come all the way back to us. Goodone, please help Todd to come out." Todd felt his hand being released from its tie to safety and peace. He started to feel cold. The light he had been in turned to darkness. He felt a gentle push toward the voice he was hearing. "Todd, open your eyes now. I want you to come all the way to my voice." Todd knew he had no choice. He no longer had any help to ignore the voice. He felt compelled to follow it. He felt the loss of those safe arms; yet, he didn't feel completely alone either. This felt different from all the other times he had been forced back.

Todd's eyes opened. His body started to tremble. "Todd, it's Doctor Hanen. Can you hear me?"

He nodded his head slowly. "I'm cold."

Susannah lifted a blanket from the foot of the bed and covered him with it and asked, "Is that a little better?"

"Viki!" Todd reached out to try to find her.

"I'm right here sweetheart." Viki sat down next to him and reached for his outstretched hand.

Todd felt for the top of the blanket and pulled it up to his chin and curled up on his side. "Viki, I'm so cold."

"Todd, tell me about the last thing you remember from right before you woke up?" Susannah began the session.

Todd tightened his grasp on Viki's hand. "I wanna go back to sleep."

"You can go back to sleep after a while. Let's talk a little first." Susannah's voice was soft, but firm.

"No! Viki, please! I'm so tired and cold. Tell her to leave me alone."

"Sweetheart, just talk to Susannah for a little while. Then you can rest."

"Sam?" Todd reached out again.

"I'm right here, pal." Sam walked over to the bed and put his hand on Todd's shoulder. Todd jumped. "I'm sorry, Todd. I didn't mean to startle you."

"Sam, please. I just wanna be left alone. Make Doctor Hanen leave me alone."

Todd's pleas were tearing into their hearts. "Come on pal. It's important that you talk to Doctor Hanen."

Todd let go of Viki's hand and pulled the blanket up almost to the top of his head. Despite the sweat suit he was wearing and the blanket covering him, he was still shivering.

Susannah took another blanket from the closet and covered him with it. "Todd, I want you to think back to just before you opened your eyes just now. What is the last thing you remember?"

Todd sighed. He knew she would not let him be. He realized Viki and Sam weren't going to help him. He let his mind drift back to those few moments before his suffering started. "Warm. I felt warm. Why is it so cold now? For all the money Viki is paying to keep me in this loony bin you could at least raise the thermostat."

They all smiled at the glimmer of the old Todd that just popped out.

"I think it would help you warm up if you got up and put on your robe and moved around a little. How about we walk to my office for this session?" Susannah suggested.

"No! I wanna stay here." Todd snuggled down into the blanket even more.

Susannah let it go for now. "Okay, you felt warm. What else?"

"Safe," he whispered.

"What made it safe?"

Todd looked confused. "I . . . I . . . I don't know. I . . .” Suddenly, Todd had a vision of a man. He gasped and sat up.

"What is it Todd? Tell me. Did you see something?"

"A m-m-m-man," Todd stuttered.

"Does this man frighten you?"

Todd's expression turned more peaceful. "No. He looks kind and safe. He looks like he . . ." Todd felt stupid saying it.

"He looks like he what? It's okay to say it. Tell me how he looks," Susannah pressed.

"He looks like he loves me," Todd observed. He pulled up against the headboard and brought is knees to his chest. He did not bury his head in them.

Susannah exchanged looks with Sam and Viki. "What did this man look like?"

Todd thought for a moment. "Tall . . . big . . . strong . . . dark hair and blue eyes." Todd stopped for a minute and then continued. "His eyes," he whispered more to himself than to Susannah.

"What about his eyes?" Susannah prodded.

"They were so kind and had so much love in them. I just wanted to keep looking at them. I wanted to . . .” Todd’s voice trailed off again as these memories and feelings flooded back to him.

"What did you want to do?" Susannah asked gently.

Todd hesitated. He cocked his head slightly as he heard the voice. This time it was different. The voice seemed to be coming from within, instead of from outside of himself. He wasn't afraid of this voice. He found it soothing.

"Todd, are you hearing something or someone?" Susannah wasn't sure. Although he looked like he was hearing a voice or voices he didn't seem to be in his usual panic. "It's safe to say it. Are you hearing someone?" Susannah repeated. He nodded. "Is the voice frightening you?"

"No, I like listening to it," Todd whispered.

"Is it a man or a woman's voice?" Susannah probed.

"A man's. He said it's going to be all right. He says he loves me." Todd stopped talking and looked shocked.

"Can you see him?" Susannah wondered if was able to actually see Goodone.

"No, but I know it's the same man I remember from before I woke up. Who is he? I don't know who he is."

"Do you want to know?" Susannah asked, cautiously.

Todd thought for a moment. "Yeah, I-I guess so."

"Why don't you ask him his name? See if he'll tell you," Susannah suggested.

Todd felt confused. He knew that he was seeing and hearing this man in his head, yet he was real at the same time. He couldn't tell the difference and he was starting to feel afraid.

"Todd, don't be afraid. I'm here with you. I'm watching over you. I won't let them hurt you. I love you."

"Ohhh!" Todd moaned.

"What is it? Can you hear him? It's all right, Todd. Tell me what he said," Susannah coaxed.

"H-h-h-he's w-watching o-over m-me," Todd stammered. "He said he loves me," Todd continued more calmly. As Viki and Sam and Susannah listened to him, they could not believe he was able to remember Goodone to this extent.

"Todd, ask him his name," Susannah prompted.

Todd could not see him or hear him as clearly now. "No! Please don't go away," Todd begged.

"I'll never go far away from you Todd. I will always be near you. Don't be afraid. Papa will still be watching over you. It's safe to talk to Doctor Hanen and your sister and Sam. They love you very much. Papa is watching over you."

The voice was fading away. Tears welled up in Todd's eyes. One escaped and trickled down his right cheek. "He left. He said he'll watch over me. He said I should talk to all of you." Todd hung his head. "He said you loved me," he whispered cautiously. It was as if he were too afraid or too embarrassed to say it out loud.

Sam took Todd in his arms. "He's right, Todd. He’s telling you the truth. We love you. We love you more than anything."

Todd's shivering had diminished. He still felt slightly chilled. That was more due to his hypothalamus not regulating his body temperature as well as it did some of the alters and his sensitivity to his anemia and low body weight.

"Todd, did he tell you his name?" Susannah inquired.

Todd smiled a small smile to himself. "Papa. He said he was Papa. I wasn't afraid of his voice. He's not like the others. He a good one."

"Susannah smiled. "Yes, Todd. He's a good one. He's a very good one." She then asked, "Would you like to get out of bed? You're already dressed. You can put your robe on if you like."

Todd did feel like getting out of bed. Then he became frightened and ashamed. "I'll fall," he murmured.

Sam realized this was Todd's way of asking for help. "Don't worry, pal. I'll help you up. I won't let you fall."

"Todd, I want you to swing your legs over the bed in the direction of Sam's voice. Then I want you to sit like that for a minute so you don't become dizzy," Susannah instructed.

He did as she asked. After a minute, Sam took his hand. "Are you ready to stand up, now?" Todd nodded. Sam helped him to a standing position.

Todd felt a dizzy and reached for the bed. Sam lowered him back down.

"Todd, I'm going to take your blood pressure," Susannah informed him. "You know this doesn't hurt. I'm going to roll up your sleeve for a second."

Todd didn't protest. It was one hundred over sixty. His pressure was a little lower than usual and it probably dropped even further when he stood.

"Are you still feeling dizzy?" Susannah asked.

"No," Todd answered calmly.

"Okay, I'm going to take your pressure again." It was one ten over seventy. "Good, it's come up to what is normal for you," Susannah assured him.

"Nothing is ever normal for me," Todd mumbled.

"Oh, I don't know. I think we can find a few things. Now I want you to stand up again. This time I want to take your blood pressure when you stand. All right?" He nodded. Sam helped him up again. This time his blood pressure stabilized and stayed at one ten over seventy.

"Todd, I would like you to come to my office for a session." Susannah hoped she wasn't pushing it.

"No! I don't want to leave my room."

"All right, how about we help you to the chair?" Susannah didn't push. He nodded.

"Would you like to put your warm robe on, sweetheart?" Viki asked. He nodded again. Sam helped him on with his robe and led him to the chair and helped him sit down.

"Todd, can you tell me why you don't want to leave this room?" Susannah pushed.

"I don't feel like putting on a show for everyone," Todd snapped.

"A show?" Susannah knew what he meant. She needed to hear him explain.

"I don't want to go bumping and tripping my way down the hall. It reminds me of the dream I had."

"Can you tell me about the dream?"

"Yeah, dreams are real important to shrinks. I forgot," Todd responded sarcastically.

"They are to this one," Susannah acknowledged and smiled. Todd seemed more lucid than they had seen him in a very long while.

He took a deep breath and squeezed his eyes shut. "I dreamed Delgado was here and I couldn't see anything and I kept tripping and falling." Todd's voice became lower. "I tried to get away from her, but I banged into her." His voice became a whisper. "I was so ashamed. I hated her seeing me like that. I just wanted to . . ." His voice trailed off.

"What did you want?" Todd didn't answer Susannah's question. "It's all right to say it. Nothing bad will happen if you say it."

Slowly Todd answered, "I wanted to die."

"Todd," Susannah began cautiously. "That wasn't a dream. Téa was here."

Todd sat with a stunned expression, for a full minute. Everyone stayed silent. They waited for him to process what Susannah had just told him.

"No! You're lying to me. You're lying to me," Todd whispered, more to himself than to Susannah. He was becoming visibly upset. "Why are you doing that? It was a dream. IT WAS A DREAM! Viki, Sam, tell her to stop lying to me. Téa wasn't here. I didn't really do that. She wasn't here. Tell her. TELL HER!"

Viki took Todd's ice-cold hand in hers. "Sweetheart, Téa loves you very much. She misses you and wants to see you."

"It's true, pal. Téa loves you more than anyone on earth. She'd do anything for you. She never stopped loving you," Sam added.

Todd started to pull his knees in tighter. He wrapped his arms around them and started rocking.

"Stay with us Todd. You can handle this. Todd, you're strong enough to handle this." Susannah did not want him to dissociate.

Todd wanted to go back inside. What he didn't know was that Goodone was blocking his way. He wanted Todd to believe that Téa loved him. It felt different to Todd this time. He was always so terrified of going away. Now he craved it. He didn't know how to make it happen and he was starting to panic. His breathing was becoming erratic and sweat broke out on his brow. His heart started to race. His chest felt painful and tight. His fingers and mouth started to feel numb. Susannah recognized the signs of an anxiety attack.

"Ooooh, I don't feel good. My chest hurts. My heart is beating so fast. I can't breath. Ooooh, I can't feel my fingers." Todd was torn. He was terrified he was dying and he was hoping he was at the same time.

"Todd, you're having an anxiety attack. I want you to slow down your breathing. Come on, honey. You can do it. Here." Susannah took his hand. "Todd. Can you remember the breathing and relaxation techniques we taught you? He was in too much of a state of panic to remember anything. "Okay, Todd. I'm going to put your hand on my diaphragm. I want you copy the way I am breathing."

"I can't! I can't!" He started to cry. Sweat was pouring off of him.

"Todd, would you feel better if Sam held you?" Susannah thought Sam's strong arms would comfort him and remind him of Goodone.

Todd wanted that. He wanted to be in Sam's arms. He was to embarrassed to say yes. "I . . . I . . . don't know. I . . ."

"Come're pal." Sam sat on the other side of him and took Todd's in his arms and held him tightly. Todd stiffened. He felt awkward even though he was longing to snuggle close to Sam. "It's all right, Todd. I love you. Boomer, don't you know that? I love you so much." Sam pulled Todd in even closer. Todd relaxed a little and leaned into Sam.

"Okay, Todd. That's it. You're doing great. Now just breath nice and deep and slow, like this." Susannah took some slow deep breaths. Todd copied her. He was starting to calm down. Susannah was relieved. She didn't want to have to sedated him.

Inside, Goodone was offering comfort. Todd couldn't so much hear his words as feel them. As Sam, Viki and Susannah calmed him from outside, Goodone calmed him from within. "That's good. You're doing a great job of calming yourself," Susannah soothed.

Todd's breathing was returning to normal. His heart rate was slowing down. His sweating eased. The tightness in his chest subsided. The tingling and numbness in Todd's fingers and mouth did as well. Sam kept a tight grip. Todd wanted to stay in Sam's arms, but he was afraid at any minute Sam would laugh at him or hate him for feeling that way.

"No, Todd. Sam loves you. Don't be ashamed. Sam's arms are safe, like mine." This time Todd heard him.

Todd relaxed completely. He rested his head on Sam's shoulder. Sam kissed his forehead, the same way he had done to the children so many times. "I love you so very much, pal."

Todd's eyes welled up with tears. He wanted to feel the love and he couldn't. Something was stopping him. Todd pulled away. "Don't love me Sam. It's a mistake. I will disappoint you. I will hurt you. Don't you know?"

"Know what, Todd? What should I know?" Sam asked gently.

"I can't be loved. I can't love and no one can love me. I'm not like regular people. I'm not human, Sam. I'm broken inside. Even if you think you love me now, you'll wise up. Everyone does."

"No, sweetheart. Most of the people that ever loved you still do. In fact we love you more and more every day," Viki stated. She looked at her damaged brother. Her heart was breaking.

"No! You'll wise up. There's something wrong with me, Viki. You know that. There's something wrong with the part of me that can love and be loved. Either I was born without it or it got broken or it was ripped out of me. That's why Téa hates me now. That's why everyone hates me." Tears splashed down Todd's cheeks.

Viki took his face in her hands and wiped the tears away. "You know how much Starr loves you."

"She's a kid. She'll outgrow that," Todd dismissed Viki's words.

"No, Todd. She will never outgrow that. Starr loves you not just because you're her father, but also because you are kind to her. You are patient and loving and you make her feel special. No one in the world makes her feel like her daddy does. Sweetheart, you love Starr. You know you do."

Todd's tears increased. He thought of his little girl. He thought about the first time he held her in his arms and the last time, in the stable. "Oh, God! I do love her. I love her so much. I . . . NO!" He pulled away from Viki. "I love her now. That will end. Love stops, Viki. It just stops. You wake up one morning and that's it. The love is gone. All you want is to get away from someone you supposedly loved. Love hurts. It makes you do horrible things to people. No, Starr is better off without me. If I love her now, I'll either hurt her or I'll stop loving her and leave. Either way I'll hurt her. I'll hurt anyone I love. Téa's not stupid. She knows that."

"No, Todd. Téa's not stupid and that is why she sees the good in you. She sees a man who can be loved. She understands why you hurt her and she forgives you. Téa is very strong. She understands that it won't be easy. She wants to be here for you." Susannah explained.

"She's making excuses for me because I'm crazy," Todd stated matter-of-factly.

"No! She doesn't excuse the things you've done. Todd, there is a difference between understanding why someone acts the way they do and excusing them. No one is saying what you did didn't count because you were sick. We are saying that we now understand your behavior. It is sometimes easier to forgive someone if you know why they acted the way they did." Susannah tried to get him to understand.

"And I did what I did because I am crazy! Because I am no good and crazy and stupid. I don't belong with regular people . . . living people . . . humans. I should have died a long time ago. Then Téa wouldn't . . ." His mind drifted off before he finished his thought.

Todd had a memory of Téa's visit. "You told her I was crazy," Todd stated in a monotone. There were no feelings attached to his voice.

"We explained your illness to Téa. She understands and does not judge you. She does not think you're crazy. She loves you and wants to help you through this. She wants to see you." Susannah wanted to make sure he was clear on that.

More memories of Téa's visit flashed through his brain. "She doesn't wanna help me."

"Sweetheart, how can you say that? Téa would do anything in the world for you."

"Not the one thing that would really help me. No one will really help me." Todd still spoke in a monotone that was void of emotion.

"No, Todd. No one will help you die," Susannah's tone was gentle, but firm.

It finally got through to Todd that he had really been with Téa and that his dream was true. Feelings of shame and a desire to die washed over him like torrents of rain. He buried he face in his hands. He remembered the feel of Téa's hair and the smell of her perfume. He remembered being in her arms and hearing her say she loved him. "Oh no! Delgado, no!" Todd cried into his hands. He remembered making a fool of himself in front of her and the feel of her hand on his heart. "Why was she here? I told you I didn't want her here. You don't care what I want. No one does," Todd asked through his tears. He never lifted his face from his hands. Then it dawned on him that he must have gone away in front of her. "Oh, God! Did I hurt her? Did I? TELL ME THE TRUTH!"

"No, you didn't hurt her. Not at all, in any way," Viki assured him.

"Oh God! I went away in front of her. Oh God! I told you I didn't want her to see me. Don't I have rights here? Can you just do whatever you want with me while I'm sleeping?"

Instinctively, Susannah knew by Todd's last statement that he was ready to hear a little more about his illness. He had been told long ago that he wasn’t sleeping during the times he went away. Susannah knew that this was his unconscious way of broaching the subject. "Let's talk about what happens when you go away, okay?"

"No, I don't want to. I'm sleeping that's all that happens," Todd insisted.

"Todd, I think you know that's not true. Do you remember that we explained to you that you have DID?" Susannah didn't want to take his remembering for granted. She knew he had a tendency to block out and bury, over and over again, what he couldn't face. Todd nodded. "Do you remember we told you about the alters you have?"

"Viki!" Todd cried out. He reached out wildly for Viki. Viki took him in her arms. At the mention of alters Todd started to panic. He hated that word and felt terror at the sound of it. He also felt like he belonged in a freak show. "Viki, no. Please! I don't want to."

"Oh Todd. Sweetheart, I know what a frightening thing that is to hear. You feel like this can't possibly be true. You feel like you're being lied to and fooled. You also, feel like you have absolutely no control over your own life or what you do and what you don't do. You are terrified for the people you love because you aren't sure if you've hurt them during the times you don't remember or if you've hurt yourself. You are also afraid you made a fool of yourself and can't remember it. It is the most horrible feeling to know that others have seen you and been with you and you can't remember. It makes you feel scared and angry and totally out of control. You feel like you are the worst, stupidest and craziest person who ever walked the face of the earth." Viki gently rocked him.

Todd felt exactly the way Viki described. He remembered all the times he had made fun of "the people running around in her head." He couldn't understand how she could be here for him now or how she could love him. If it was true that she did, he knew that she shouldn't. He believed he wasn't worthy of her love or of Sam's or anyone's. Todd's tears were now not just for him, they were also for Viki. 'God, I really am crazy,' he thought. The one thing Todd feared the most, mental illness, had really happened to him. He remembered all the times the people of Llanview had told him that. How many times had one or another of them called him a psycho to his face? Now he realized it was true. He remembered a time he had visited Blair's mother, Addie, at Saint Anne's. He remembered how uncomfortable he had felt, at first. Then she gave him a music box. He had been so touched by that gesture. 'Addie wasn't so bad . . . so maybe being crazy isn't so bad? No!' he thought. 'Addie is good and kind. She doesn't hurt people. I hurt people. I hurt them when I remember and I hurt them when I don't. There must be a good crazy and a bad crazy and I'm the bad one.' Todd's head was spinning. He wished he could disappear.

"Viki, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I made fun of you. I hurt you. I told the whole world about you in the Sun. Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you were hurt. I'm sorry our father was such a rotten bastard. I'm so sorry. Viki, I'm sorry you had to feel this way too. It feels so bad . . . so horrible . . . it's so scary. I . . . I hate this! I don't wanna be crazy. Viki, make it go away. Please!"

Tears streaked Viki's face as she held Todd's head against her chest and stroked his hair. "Oh Todd. If I could make it go away for you, I would do it. I would do it." Viki continued to rock him as both of Victor Lord's children wept in each other’s arms.

Sam's eyes flooded with tears as he watched two people he loved with all his heart share an agony that only they could understand. Susannah waited for them both to regain some control.

Secrets 80, Page 2