Susannah headed for her office and then she planned on heading home. She told Sam and Viki she needed to talk to them about the latest developments with Timmy. She told them that it could wait until tomorrow.

*****

Susannah checked in on Timmy one more time before she headed home. He was sound asleep. As long as both Viki and Sam were staying overnight, Susannah suggested they both spend the night in Timmy's room. If he should wake up she knew seeing both Sam and Viki there would be more calming to him than if just one of them were there. She also left an order for a stronger than usual sedative just in case he became extremely agitated. Susannah was so tired. She was also worried. Timmy's unusual behavior was sending up warning flags in Susannah's brain. She kicked her shoes off and checked her machine . . . six messages. She listened wearily as the agent for her car insurance asked her to get back to him. She cringed when she heard her mother's voice letting her know she hadn't called "just to find out if your father and I are still alive," for some time now. 'Good one mom. You still know how to lay on guilt trip don't you?' Susannah thought.

Susannah's heart quickened when she heard the next message. It was from Bill. He would be back in Llanview tomorrow. He also said he had some news that he hoped would make Susannah happy. He told her he missed her. What he didn't tell her was that his friend, Anthony Ferrelli, had given him some news about Michelle's parents. Bill thought that best be discussed in person. Susannah rewound the tape and listened to Bill's message again. She had been trying to keep him from her mind since he had gone back to Chicago to visit his children. Susannah kept reminding herself that there was no time in her life right now for a full relationship with anyone. Todd, the alters and Viki kept her waking mind occupied enough so that not too many thoughts of Bill or how much she missed him crept into it.

Nighttime was another story. Susannah had been having dreams of Bill . . . dreams of being in his arms and of laughing with him. She also had dreams of making love with him. When she would awaken from these dreams she felt a longing for him. It was stronger than anything she had ever felt for anyone. Susannah was grateful for her dreams and disturbed by them at the same time. She was grateful because, at least in her dreams, she could be with Bill. She was disturbed because she knew her dreams were symbolic of her desires, desires that she could not allow to interfere with her life right now. Susannah felt she needed all her concentration for Todd. In all her career, she had never come up against a case so difficult. She had never had a patient this ill. She could not allow distractions, and Bill was one hell of a distraction. Yet, Susannah could not stop the joy she felt at the thought of his return. She had so little free time of late, and still, with what little she had she felt so lonely.

Even though Susannah loved Todd and felt maternal feelings for him, he was not her child. He was not even family to her. As much as she cared about them, neither were Viki nor Sam. What "real" family Susannah did have, she felt no closeness to. She and Nora had not spoken for months and Susannah preferred to keep it that way. Apparently so did Nora. Bo would call Susannah every week to find out how Todd was and how she was. He said nothing about Nora and gave Susannah no messages from her. Susannah did not bring her up either.

Susannah never really thought of any one place as her home. She had no more affinity for Chicago than she had for Switzerland. She had not felt all that much for Llanview either, until Bill came along. Somehow, when he was in it, Llanview felt like home. Susannah wondered what the news was that Bill thought she would like. She knew that Bill was not the kind of a man one had a casual relationship with. She would have to decide if her life had enough room in it for him or not. She would have to decide if she could take the chance of sharing her mind while working on such a difficult case. In all likelihood, Todd would be in therapy for years, but hopefully he would be stable enough to live outside a hospital environment. Susannah realized that was a long way off. Todd was not even close to being safe or being able to care for himself or make decisions for himself. He was not even close to where others could care for him outside a controlled environment. Susannah hoped she could allow herself to have a life with someone like Bill and still maintain her complete focus on Todd's therapy, not to mention Viki's, but she still feared that distraction. Right now she did not want to think about that or anything else. She just wanted to take a quick shower and watch some mindless program on television and go to sleep. She set her alarm for six thirty in the morning. She wanted to make sure to be there when Timmy woke up.

An extra reclining chair was brought into Timmy's room so both Sam and Viki could sleep in the room with him. Timmy slept through his late feeding and the administration of his medications. Viki and Sam were both sound asleep when they heard Timmy cry out. It was three-fifteen in the morning. He was starting to climb over the side rail on the bed when Sam, ran to the bed to stop him. Carl, who had been posted outside the door, immediately came in when he heard Timmy cry out. Nancy, Dan, and Marcia sprung to action too and headed into Timmy's room.

Timmy seemed to still be dreaming. Sam was hugging Timmy tightly and Viki was stroking his head as the staff stood close, in case they were needed.

"Kevin! Teee! Teee!" Timmy called out. He was crying.

"Timmy, it's all right. Mommy and Daddy are here. Tea and Kevin will be here in the morning. Shhhh, baby. Its all right." Viki tried to sooth him.

"I think he's still asleep," Sam told them.

"Timmy! Timmy, wake up. It's Marcia. Come on honey, wake up!" Marcia lightly tapped the side of his face.

Suddenly Timmy pulled away from their arms and turned over on his stomach and started crying out. "No Daddy. Noooo! Daddy please. I'll be good. Noooo! Mommy! Mommyyyyy! Nooo! Stoooop! It hurrrrts! Mommy wake up!"

They noticed Timmy was pressing his body into the mattress. He was having trouble breathing, as he felt Peter's weight on top of him. They knew Timmy was dreaming about being raped. He hadn't had a dream like this in a very long time.

"No, Timmy, no one is hurting you. You don't have to stay on your tummy. Come on honey. We'll get you on your back," Marcia said tenderly.

"Okay, buddy. Relax. We're going to help you turn on your back. You're safe. Daddy's not here," Carl tried to sooth him with words as he and Marcia gently turned Timmy on his back.

Timmy still appeared to be asleep. He continued to cry out in pain. They hoped they wouldn't have to call Susannah at this hour. Susannah left orders not to heavily sedate him unless it was absolutely necessary.

Dan tried this time. "Timmy! You're having a bad dream. Wake up It's safe here. No one here will hurt you."

Timmy's eyes fluttered open. He looked confused and frightened. He started to tremble. He looked at Marcia. "Where's Mommy? Where's my mommy? I want my mommy."

Viki sat down next to him. "I'm right here sweetheart. Daddy and I are both here."

Timmy turned to look at Viki and backed away. "Daddy's here?" Timmy was clearly terrified.

"I'm right here pal. What's wrong? Tell daddy."

Timmy's lower lip and chin quivered as tears continued down his cheeks. "You're not my daddy and you're not my mommy. Where's my mommy? Is Daddy here?" Timmy was cowering.

"Timmy, do you know who this is?" Nancy pointed to Viki.

Timmy shook his head. Viki and Sam's hearts started to pound. "I want my mommy. I'm scared. Is my daddy coming here?" Timmy's frightened eyes darted around.

"Timmy, it's Viki. Baby, don't you know me?" Viki asked as she cupped his cheek.

"You're not my mommy. I want my mommy!" Timmy wailed.

"Tell me your name, hon," Nancy asked.

"Timmy," he whispered as more tears came.

As far as they could tell it was Timmy. "Timmy can you tell me where you are?" Carl asked.

Timmy looked around. "This isn't my house. Where's mommy? Is daddy here?" Timmy buried his head in his knees as he held them to his chest.

Viki and Sam exchanged looks. They both knew what this reminded them of . . . the first time they met Timmy back in the jail cell. He couldn't remember them that time either and he was terrified and wanted his mother.

"Maybe you should call Susannah?" Sam suggested.

"Yes, I was about to," Marcia replied. They could see the worried look on her face.

Carl tried again. "Timmy, your daddy is no where near here. He won't come anywhere near you. Okay, buddy."

Timmy didn't respond. He just stayed curled up in a little ball in the corner of the bed. Marcia came back in. She motioned for Sam and Viki to talk to her away from Timmy's bed. "Susannah is on her way. She asked that we keep from sedating him, if possible, until she gets here and has a chance to assess him. She asked that you not talk to him unless he talks to you first."

"Susannah doesn't want us to talk to him?" Sam didn't like that sound of that.

"I'm sorry, Sam. Right now Timmy doesn't know who you are and he is afraid of you and Viki." Sam and Viki looked like had been slapped in the face.

Timmy remained huddled in a little ball near the headboard. Susannah parked her car in the garage and rushed to Timmy's room. She had been upset to hear he was in this state. She wondered what was going on with him. He seemed to have calm down before she left. Sam and Viki were sitting across the room from Timmy's bed. Marcia and Carl sat on either side of the bed. Dan was posted outside the door.

"Thank you for calling me. You did the right thing," Susannah whispered to Marcia.

The only movement of Timmy's body was a slight shuddering of his shoulders as he quietly wept. His face was tucked in his knees. "Timmy?" Susannah called out softly. He didn't lift his head or respond. "Timmy can you look at me. I won't hurt you."

Timmy lifted his face. His eyes were red and swollen and his face tearstained. "Do you know who I am?" Susannah asked. He looked at her and shook his head. Susannah wanted to make sure this was Timmy. "How old are you?" He held up four fingers. Even though Marcia told her on the phone that he said his name was Timmy, Susannah tried again. "Can you tell me your name?"

"Timmy." His voice was barely audible.

"Timmy, can you tell me why you're crying?"

"I can't find my mommy and I can't find my house," Timmy whimpered. His trembling increased.

Susannah pointed to Sam and Viki. "Do you know who they are?"

He looked their way and shook his head again. Timmy held up his right hand. "I have a boo-boo."

"Yes, you do. Does it hurt?" Susannah asked.

He nodded. Timmy looked down at the bandage covering his chest wound. It was as if he were seeing it for the first time. "I have a boo-boo here too?" His crying increased.

"Is that one hurting you too, Timmy?"

He nodded again. He looked at Susannah. "What's your name?"

"Doctor Hanen," she knew that was the way Timmy, Todd and the alters preferred to address her. "Does that sound familiar to you?"

"I got the boo-boos cause I fell down. I'm real clumsy." Hearing she was a doctor Timmy immediately went into his well-rehearsed speech explaining how he got hurt. It was something he hadn't done with Susannah in a very long time. She could not understand this sudden set back. Concerning her even more was his apparent amnesia about the last few months of his life. "Is my daddy here?" Timmy scanned the room again. There was a look of panic in his eyes.

"No, Timmy. Your daddy can never, ever come here. You don't have to worry about that."

"Where's my mommy? How come she left me here?"

"Your mommy wants us to take care of you now, Timmy. She loves you very much and she knows you are safe here. She knows your daddy can never come here," Susannah stroked his head as she spoke to him. Timmy pulled back from her touch. "Do you know who Kevin is?" Susannah inquired. Timmy shook his head. He put the first two fingers of his left hand in his mouth. That clinched it for Susannah. She was sure this was the same Timmy they had always known; only he had lost all memory of them. Susannah didn't know if it had something to do with the medication. This was not a side effect of any of the meds he was on. Of course, she never really knew with Todd and the alters. They sometimes had unusual and intense negative reactions to meds that usually never caused problems. Susannah also wanted a neurological workup done on Timmy. His reactions in the past few days were troubling her greatly. She wanted to make sure she covered every base.

"Timmy, does your head hurt?"

"Uh-uh," he answered and shook his head. He continued to suck on his fingers.

Susannah held up two fingers. "How many fingers do you see, Timmy?" His vision seemed normal. He only saw two. Susannah showed him her penlight. She let him turn it on and off. "Can I take this light and look in your eyes with it?"

"Uh-huh," he said and nodded. His pupils reacted normally to the light. Without further testing Susannah couldn't rule out a neurological problem. At this point he was not presenting with any. "When's mommy coming for me?" Timmy asked again.

"Timmy," Susannah began gently. "Mommy wants you to stay here with us for a while. She knows we love you very much and will take very good care of you."

"Mommy's not coming back for me?" Timmy was clearly horrified and frightened.

"You're going to stay with us right here for a while," Susannah explained.

"NO! I WANT MOMMY! I WANT MOMMY! MOOOMMMYYY!" Timmy screamed. He tried to get off the bed. Susannah, Carl, Dan, Marcia and Nancy held him firmly.

Timmy started to panic. He tried desperately to get away from them. Susannah continued to speak to him calmly and firmly. "Timmy, you need to calm down. It's the middle of the night. I want you to stay in bed. It's safe here no one will hurt you. Your daddy can't come anywhere near you."

Timmy's fear and panic quickly escalated. "MOMMMYY! MOOOOMMMYYY! I WANNA GO HOME. MOOOOMMMMMYYYY! I WANT MOOOOMMMMYYYY! " Timmy screamed. He was crying so hard he was gasping for breath and choking on his words. He was too far gone and could not stop his suffering without help. Susannah gave Marcia an order for an even stronger sedative than the one she had ordered before she left. When Timmy saw her come in with a syringe he started to fight their hold even harder. He tried to kick, but his legs were being held down firmly. Susannah did not want to put mechanical restraints on Timmy.

"Timmy, you won't get stuck. You have a hep lock, honey. The medicine goes in there. It won't hurt. I promise," Marcia assured him.

Timmy continued to try to get away. He was beyond the point of being able to hear anything that was said to him. The medication was injected. Timmy continued to cry and scream for his mother for another minute. His breathing started to become more even. His screams and sobs turned to tiny, low whimpers. Finally his swollen eyelids shut and he was asleep.

Sam and Viki had been standing across the room from Timmy's bed. Sam had his arm around Viki's shoulder, as much for his own comfort as for hers. They could not believe this child who didn't know them and was terrified of them was their Timmy.

Susannah waited until Nancy took his vitals. His heart rate was slightly elevated, but that was normal under the circumstances. Susannah asked Viki and Sam to step outside with her. She could see they were both extremely upset.

"What the hell happened?" Sam snapped.

At the same time Viki asked, "Why doesn't he recognize us? That is Timmy isn't it?"

"I know this is upsetting. I need for you both to stay calm. Timmy is not in any physical danger right now. Let's go sit down and talk." Susannah tried to keep her voice calm and soothing. She knew Sam and Viki were on the edge. They both took a deep breath and walked to the lounge area with Susannah.

"What's happening to our little boy?" Viki asked.

"Timmy is experiencing amnesia. It is another form of dissociation. I am going to have a neurological workup done on him tomorrow to rule out any physical cause. I don't think it is physical, so please don't worry about that yet. I don't understand why this is happening. It may be temporary and he can just snap out of it after he's had some sleep and he is calmed by the medication. Now, Marcia filled me in briefly. Can you tell me exactly what happened?"

Sam began to fill Susannah in. "Timmy seemed to be having a nightmare. He was calling out for Kevin and Tea. We tried to wake him up and he tried to climb over the side rails on the bed. He seemed to still be asleep at that point. Then his dream apparently turned into a flashback of being raped. He turned on his stomach."

"You know that's something Timmy never does, not even accidentally in his sleep," Viki interjected.

Sam nodded in agreement and continued. "He acted like he felt Peter on top of him. Then he started screaming for his mother. He was terrified that his father was in the room. He didn't recognize any of us or seem to know where he was."

"Susannah, he was like he was the day we first met him," Viki informed her.

Susannah noticed tears had formed in both Sam and Viki's eyes.

"He curled into a little ball and continued to cry and sat that way until you came in," Viki gave Susannah the last of the details.

"Okay. You say that at first he was calling for Tea and Kevin, but he wasn't fully awake?"

"That's right." Viki confirmed.

Susannah thought for a minute. "So, his memory was intact at that point. It wasn't until after the nightmare turned to a flashback of being raped that he couldn't remember anything." Susannah thought for another few seconds. Then explained. "I'm going more and more with this being a different form of a dissociative episode . . . more like a fugue state. Sam, what you said about him being like he was the day you met him. That may be just what it is. Timmy has blocked out everything that happened since that day. That is why he doesn't recognize us. I think the separation anxiety he felt last night may have something to do with it. That was the beginning of his nightmare. I believe Timmy started to dissociate when he was having the flashback. The fear of being abandoned by his loved ones became mixed up with the flashback of being raped. He may have felt that there was no one to save him. It became less painful to stop remembering all of you than to feel you wouldn't be there for him."

"But I though that was all taken care of with that written promise that Kevin and I drew up? He seemed secure after that." Sam didn't understand.

"He may have been, temporarily. Or he may have let it calm him for a while because he needed relief from his anxiety. Unconsciously, he is still terrified of losing his loved ones."

"So it's less painful to forget us than to lose us?" Viki thought out loud.

"Yes. It's Timmy's way of protecting himself. Unfortunately he still ends up feeling frightened and miserable, because now he is in a strange environment among strangers and he wants his mother."

"And he can't get comfort from us because we are part of what he's afraid of. God! This makes sense and it doesn't. He hides from one thing that he can't handle and puts himself into another that is almost as painful," Sam exclaimed. He nervously ran his fingers through his hair.

"What if he doesn't get his memory back? Look at Todd. Look how long he's kept himself blind," Viki pointed out. There was panic in her voice.

"I don't think that will happen. I think it once Timmy feels secure that he will not be left by anyone he will get his memory back. It may just be a response to the flashback," Susannah theorized. "As far as Timmy knows he was raped tonight. He cannot tell flashbacks from reality. Once the medication calms him the panic he felt that caused the dissociation may lift and his memory may come back. I have to warn you that even if it does, it could happen again. We know this hasn't happened to Timmy since we've known him, but it might have happened before. Even if it hasn't, he may have taught himself that this is a way to alleviate his pain, temporarily. If this hurts less than what he was feeling, he may need it again. Let's see how he is when he wakes up tomorrow. I don't think he will be awake when Tea and Kevin get here. If you think it would be best, you can tell them to come later."

"Susannah, last night you said you wanted to talk to us about Timmy. Is there more?" Viki pressed apprehensively.

Susannah really didn't want to worry them with this now. However, since Viki had asked, she wasn't going to keep it from them. "I was a little concerned that Timmy had trouble spelling words he already knew how to spell and that he forgot how to spell his name. I also noticed some possible problems with his motor skills when he was in the playroom."

"Are you thinking there is something happening to his brain?" The panic returned to Viki's voice.

"Not in the way you mean, but it is possible that the medication is having this negative effect on him and even more possible that Timmy's depression is affecting his cognitive functions, which include his memory and orientation, concentration, reasoning ability and intellect. It may also affect his motor skills, but that would be more likely the medication. We know that Timmy's IQ, shortly after he came out, was one hundred and thirty-six. That was not as high as some of the others, but still he is highly intelligent. I would like to retest him. I would also like to run some developmental tests on him. There is nothing in any of the test that will cause him any pain or discomfort. They will be made to seem like games to him."

"Do you think we are going to have to earn his trust all over again?" Sam posed. He didn't add that he had come to love having Timmy call him and think of him as daddy. Sam did not want to lose that.

"Why don't we wait and see how he is when he wakes up. I have a feeling that this dissociation is a response to the separation anxiety he's feeling and to the panic he felt from the flashback. Timmy may need a little stronger and regularly scheduled dose of medication for anxiety to help him through this. I hope not. He's already on so much medication . . . we'll see. Why don't you two go to the family lounge for the rest of the night? I'll stay with Timmy. I'll have Carl or Dan in there as back up in case I fall asleep."

Sam looked at Viki. She nodded in agreement. They thanked Susannah for coming to the hospital in the middle of the night, again, and headed for the lounge. Susannah headed for Timmy's room.

Viki and Sam had woken up by seven-thirty. Viki showered and changed first and headed to Timmy's room. Sam said he would join her after he had his turn. Viki figured there was no point in calling Kevin and Tea as they were probably on their way. She was right. Kevin was the first to arrive at seven-fifty. Viki was just coming down the hall to Todd's room when she saw Kevin being buzzed onto the unit.

Kevin immediately felt what happened to Timmy was a direct result of his not being there for him. "Kevin, honey, please. I am not going to tell you that had absolutely nothing to do with it, but Timmy was Timmy until he had a flashback of what that monster did to him. Viki then told Kevin about the testing Susannah wanted to do on Timmy.

"That's ridiculous! Mom, that kid is as smart as a whip," Kevin declared defensively. Like a proud father, Kevin hated anyone saying that Timmy wasn't as brilliant as he saw him to be.

"Kevin, Susannah is not saying Timmy isn't smart. Even if he tests lower than he did, he is still considerably more intelligent than the average child. Susannah did notice some things and we noticed them too."

"Oh like what!" Kevin was feeling angry that Susannah would worry his mother over this. Timmy was the smartest little boy he knew and that was the end of it.

"Honey, you saw it. He wasn't able to spell some of the words you had already taught him. He forgot how to write his name. Susannah said his motor skills seem slightly impaired when she was watching him in the playroom."

"Come on. He was fine. He can't use his right hand, that's all. Mom, there is nothing like that wrong with Timmy."

Viki knew Kevin loved Timmy, but she was a little surprised by his refusal to see that there might be a problem. While they were talking they saw Tea walking up to the doors to be let in. She joined them and was even more upset than Kevin to hear that Timmy might not remember them. She was more accepting of the fact that Timmy might be having some cognition problems. Tea and Kevin stayed in the waiting area outside Timmy's room. Viki went in.

Timmy was still asleep. Terry was on duty and she was giving him a feeding. "I cleaned and redressed his wounds to make sure it was done while he is still out. It really isn't that painful for him anymore. They are healing," Terry informed Viki.

Susannah was sitting in a chair in the corner of the room, writing some notes. When she saw Viki she put down her pad and pen and walked over to her. "He hasn't stirred once. I think he will be out for another couple of hours. Why don't you and Sam go have some breakfast?"

"Are you going to be testing him today?" Viki asked anxiously.

"Only the neurological testing might be done today, if possible. Doctor Anderson, the neurologist who's familiar with Todd's case, isn't in yet. It really depends on what kind of shape Timmy is in, if it's Timmy who wakes up. Unless the problems are shared by the other alters or Todd there is no point in his examining them too. It would be better if Timmy were reasonably alert for the tests. He also needs to be calm. If he has to be heavily medicated there is really not much point in it. So, we'll see how he is when he wakes up." Susannah tried to sound more cheerful than she felt.

When Viki went back to the waiting area Sam was there. "Mom, Sam agrees with me. There is nothing wrong with Timmy's intelligence. We don't think he should be put through those tests."

"Wait a minute, Kevin. I said I don't think there is anything wrong with him. I don't see the harm in those tests. Susannah said he would think he's playing a game. They won't hurt him."

"Well, I still don't think they're necessary," Kevin insisted. He was a little annoyed. He thought Sam was backing him up completely. Kevin knew he would never forgive himself if he had caused any permanent damage to that child. What Kevin really wanted to do was go for a drink. He fought it. He wanted to be there, and in good shape, when Timmy woke up. Kevin decided to go for a walk instead.

Sam insisted that Viki go to the cafeteria and get some breakfast. He said he would wait in case Timmy woke up sooner than expected. He asked Viki to bring him back a bagel and a couple of coffees. Viki asked Tea to join her.

Secrets 77, Page 2