"Tea. Tea please, we're family. It's all right. Actually, it was Todd . . . well . . . Andy specifically. When he was talking about some of the sexual abuse he suffered and the way he felt about it, it uncovered some of the feelings I had buried very deep within me. These were feelings that had no memories connected to them until I started talking to Susannah about them. Tea, I am more like Todd than you know. When a child is sexually abused it twists their perceptions about sex . . . about their body . . . about their sexuality . . . about everything. It makes them feel that what nature meant for their body to do is wrong, that it is bad. They confuse the act committed against them, which was bad, with their body's normal response to it."

*****

Viki had been sitting in the cafeteria nursing a cup of coffee and thinking about her last session with Susannah. She thought about the two questions Susannah had asked her. Whom did she feel she was hurting when she tried to make love with Sam and why was she uncomfortable thinking about her time with Sloan Carpenter? Viki sat there stirring her coffee over and over again. Her mind drifted back to Sloan. He was a good man . . . a dignified man. She loved him. He loved her. Why did is memory make her uncomfortable? Viki looked at her watch. It was time to go to Susannah's office.

"Good morning," Susannah called out cheerfully.

"Good morning," Viki replied and then asked, "did you meet with Tea? She has a lot of conflicting emotions when it comes to Todd and the alters."

"Yes. Tea and I had a long talk. I think she understands the situation a little better. Now, let's let all talk of Tea and Todd go until after our session, then we can discuss it at length if you like." Viki smiled. She knew Susannah was not going to let her get away with anything. "At the end of our last session, you mentioned feeling that you were doing something wrong when you and Sam tried to make love. You said you felt like you were hurting someone. Do you have any idea who that someone might be?"

"No. I have thought about it. At first I thought it might be some residual feelings for Clint, but I really don't think so. I have accepted that both Clint and I have moved on. I will always feel love for him, but I am no longer in love with him. Jessie says he seems very happy in Arizona and she loves being with him."

"That is good. Clint is a very fine man," Susannah acknowledged and went on. "So, you know that you are not feeling like you are betraying Clint. Do you feel like you are betraying Sloan's memory?"

Susannah noticed Viki tense up at her bringing up Sloan. "No. Sloan would not have wanted me to spend the rest of my life alone," Viki answered with some certainty. She crossed her legs and folded her hands in her lap.

"So, if it isn't Clint and it isn't Sloan, whom do you feel you are hurting?"

"I really don't know, Susannah. It's not like I visualize a specific person. It's just a feeling."

"All right. Why don't we do this? Sit back and relax. Close your eyes and picture yourself with Sam. Picture yourself starting to make love to him. Picture you and Sam until you get to the point where you need to stop."

Viki felt very uncomfortable. She shifted in her seat. "Viki do you remember the relaxation exercises I taught you? Why don't you try that?"

Viki uncrossed her legs and took some deep breaths and tried to relax her body. She was surprised at just how tense her body was. It took her some time. Finally she was able to relax, to some extent.

Seeing much of the tension leave Viki's body, Susannah said, "Good, now just lean back in the chair and let your mind go to you and Sam. Picture yourself in the place you and Sam like to make love."

Viki pictured herself in her bedroom at Llanfair. She could feel Sam next to her. She felt his arms around her. They felt good . . . safe. She could smell his aftershave. She saw their mouths meet and felt their lips and tongues come together. She felt Sam's hand on her breast. Suddenly Viki opened her eyes. Her body became tense again. "Dear Lord!" Viki gasped.

"What is it Viki? What did you see?" Susannah probed. Viki didn't answer. "Viki, it's safe to talk about it here. Did you see or feel something that surprised you?"

"Sloan. I saw Sloan," Viki whispered. "My God, I don't feel like I'm betraying Sloan's memory. Why would I see him?"

Susannah could see how distraught Viki was. "I don't know, Viki. Let's try to find out. What was Sloan doing when you saw him?"

"He was standing over Sam and me. Sam's back was toward him. I was the only one who could see him. I was holding Sam. We were just about to make love," Viki said. She looked down at her hands.

"And Sloan just walked into the room?"

"No. It was as if he or his presence had been there all along. It was as if I should have known he was there and I shouldn't have been with Sam. Why would I feel guilty because of Sloan? He's dead. If I didn't feel guilty cheating on Clint with Sloan why on earth would I feel guilty now?" Viki couldn't understand what her mind was doing.

Susannah knew that Viki had never really discussed the fact that she did, in fact, cheat on Clint with Sloan. From everything she knew about Viki this had been very uncharacteristic for her. Even during Viki's first therapy, she had not spoken much about Sloan. "Viki, does Sloan say anything to you when he sees you with Sam?"

"No. He just stands there, looking very disapproving and . . ."

"And what?" Susannah pressed when Viki stopped mid-sentence.

"I'm not sure. He looks . . ." Viki stopped again. She tried to visualize Sloan's face once again. "Betrayed . . . he looks betrayed," Viki realized after a minute.

"All right, but as you said yourself, Sloan would not have wanted you to be alone. So why do you think he would feel betrayed if you were with Sam?"

"I don't know. Honestly Susannah. I just don't know.

"That's okay. You can't be expected to figure it all out at once. Let's go back to when you first met Sloan. Were you attracted to him from the start?"

"Yes, although he was very different man when I first met him. He was so stern and cold. He had no tolerance for those in the world who were different from him."

"How so?" Susannah prompted.

"He had another son . . . William. William was gay. He had died from AIDS. Sloan had wanted nothing to do with William. He acted like he hated him. This caused a serious rift between Sloan and Andrew. At the time, Marty Saybrooke had falsely accused Andrew of having a sexual relationship with a young boy named Billy Douglas. In fact, Billy was very good friends with Joey. I have to tell you that for a while I wondered if Joey and Billy were . . . well . . . were more alike than we knew."

"If you had found out that Joey was homosexual, would that have bothered you?"

"It's not what I would have chosen for him, but I would have accepted it. I understand that it is really not a lifestyle choice and if that's what Joey was, then that's what he was. Clint, on the other hand, had a very strong reaction to Joey's friendship with Billy. I had never seen that side of Clint. He seemed unreasonable and bigoted. I did not like who he had become. It seemed that he suddenly turned into the worst side of what the Buchanan men are. His intolerance for Billy and for Joey's friendship with him disturbed me greatly. That was when I started to have feelings for Sloan."

"But you just told me that Sloan was also intolerant of homosexuals and that he had turned his back on his own dying son."

Viki realized it was true. At the time she first became attracted to him what was bothering her about Clint, could also be said of Sloan. "I've always traced my being unfaithful to Clint to his attitude about Billy and Joey. How could it have been that, when Sloan's feelings at the time were not all that different?" Viki felt very confused. Something she had believed for years had just come crashing down on her.

"If I remember," Susannah began. "Sloan had come to town for several reasons. He was dying of Hodgkin's disease and wanted to make amends with Andrew and also because of the book he was writing."

"Yes, 'Lord of the Banner.' My God, how that book changed my life. Sloan had Father down in so many ways. Yet he never suspected the kind of man Father really was. No one did, not even I," Viki laughed bitterly. "Well, maybe that's not true," Viki continued. "Dorian knew. I think she was the only one who really knew father and I hated her for it."

"Did you hate Dorian because she was able to see Victor for the kind of man he was?"

"Yes, of course. I didn't want anyone knocking Father off the pedestal I put him on."

"Was that the only reason you hated Dorian?" Susannah posed.

"No. Dorian and I always had personalities that clashed. She tried to come between Father and me and between Father and his oldest son, Tony. She caused a bridge between them that was there almost until Father died. Father never did get to change his will to include Tony and it was Dorian's fault. She wanted Father and his money all to herself. She was always jealous of me."

"Do you think it's fair to say that you felt exactly the same way about her?"

Viki was stunned. "I disliked Dorian. That's not the same as being jealous of her."

"Viki, I know that you disliked her. That does not preclude your being jealous. Did you feel jealousy toward her? Here you had Victor to yourself all these years and now there was this woman you had to share him with. It's only natural."

"No! There is nothing natural when it comes to Father. I did not want my father to spend the rest of his life alone. I knew that Dorian only married him for the money and power being Mrs. Victor Lord would bring. You should have seen her parading around Llanfair like she had been there all her life. One of the first things she did was replace my mother's portrait with one of herself. She took over every aspect of Father's life. She preyed on his weaknesses and desires. She played him like a fiddle. She made a fool out of him. No one wants to see that happen to their father."

"That is true. It would hurt any child to see that happen to a parent. So, Dorian took over. Who's position was it that she took over?"

Viki hesitated for a moment. "We . . . I . . . m-my mother's. She was trying to take my mother's place."

"Your mother had been dead for many years by the time Victor married Dorian. Viki, who's place did Dorian take over?"

"Viki felt her stomach twists into knots. She realized what Susannah was getting at. "You want me to say my place, don't you?" Viki's voice had a slight angry edge to it.

"Only if it's true. Do you feel that Dorian took your place in your father's life?" Susannah asked gently.

Viki stood up and walked to the window. Susannah wondered how Todd would feel when he someday realizes just how much his sister is like him.

Viki was quiet for a few minutes. Susannah waited patiently and silently. "All right. Yes! In some ways Dorian did replace me and it did bother me. I used to plan things for father . . . social events and things like that. I would sometimes attend them with him, even after I was married to Joe. Father would ask my opinion about things. He respected my judgment. I always got that from him. I knew he thought I was intelligent. I knew he was proud of me. It wasn't like the way Peter made Todd feel."

"Did you feel your father thought less of you once he married Dorian?"

"Not less . . . he didn't ask my opinion about things as often. He had Dorian," Viki said sarcastically.

For a moment her expression and the way she said Dorian reminded Susannah of Niki. "You were happily married to Joe at this time. Did you want your father to still be so dependent on you?"

"He wasn't dependent. Father was never dependent. He just needed me sometimes."

"So now he needed Dorian. Why does it bother you so much?"

Viki noticed Susannah used the present tense. "Susannah, I am long over resenting Dorian for marrying my father. I think sending her to death's row for a crime I committed was more than enough punishment."

"Punishment, for what? For stealing Victor away from you?" Susannah posed.

Viki felt defensive. "If it had been anyone other than Dorian I'm sure I would not have reacted as strongly. She was not the first woman father left me for. I didn't hate Irene."

"Left you for? Do you mean not the first woman your father cheated on you with?"

Viki turned from the window. Her face was contorted with rage. "My father was the pervert! He was the who choose to have sex with a child . . . his own daughter!"

"Viki, I know that. Victor put you in a wife's place. That can make a little girl's feelings about what she is supposed to be to her daddy very confused."

"I am not a little girl now and I am not confused. I hated Dorian because of the kind of person she was. Not because I wanted her place in bed next to my father!"

"Did you hate Irene?"

"No! I said I didn't. My God, Susannah, Irene was a victim. She was little more than a child when Father seduced her. He didn't love her. He only wanted to get back at me." Viki stopped. She realized what she had said. "Oh, God, was that it? Was he trying to make me jealous? There were so many young beautiful girls working at the Banner. Why did he have to go after my best friend? Was it to punish me for Roger Gordon?"

"That was Megan's father?" Susannah asked for clarity.

"Yes. It was shortly after that when Father started his affair with Irene. Irene was the sweetest and most gentle creature. Oh God, how I wish Todd could have been raised by Irene instead of the Mannings. I just feel that somehow I am partially responsible for Todd being condemned to the life of hell that he had."

"How could you possibly be, in any way, responsible for that?" Susannah inquired.

"I know it doesn't make sense. Maybe it's because Father would never have been with Irene if it weren't for me."

"Are you saying it would have been better for Todd to have never been born?"

"God no! Todd is a gift to this world. He may never believe that, but it's true."

"You didn't know of Todd's existence. In what way could you be responsible for Victor giving Todd to the Mannings?"

Viki felt a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach that she didn't understand. "I don't know. I have always had a feeling that somehow I am partially responsible for Todd being taken away from Irene. Maybe it's because of what we just spoke about? Maybe I have always unconsciously known that Father had an affair with Irene to make me jealous? Maybe I could have somehow stopped that?"

"How do you think you could have stopped your father from having an affair with Irene?" Susannah questioned.

"I don't know. Maybe if I had been . . . if I hadn't been with . . ."

"If you hadn't cheated on your father with Roger or with Joe? Viki don't you see? Your conscious knows you have every right to have had a lover and a husband and a life separate from Victor's and you know that he had a right to have one separate from you. Your unconscious says something else. What I hear you saying, in regard to Roger, Joe, Dorian and Irene, is that you and your father were cheating on each other. Your father's reasons for entering into these relationships were sick and twisted. Yes, I believe he was trying to make you jealous and to get back at you. You were just trying to live a normal life, but inside you still felt like you were betraying your father. He put you in the position of being a wife to him. All those years sharing love with him also meant sharing a bed with him. It is only normal that you never learned to separate the two."

Tears had started down Viki's cheeks. "So what are you saying? That I was jealous of Irene and Dorian's place in my father's bed? That I wanted to continue to be the one he had sex with?"

"No. Viki, you never wanted to have sex with your father. You wanted his love. Because of what he did to you, you confused the two. Much in the same way Andy offers himself to Sam. He doesn't want to be molested. He sometimes gets confused and thinks that is the way a parent shows love to a child."

"Susannah, I thought I was past all that," Viki stated tearfully.

"Oh, Viki. In many ways you are. Just the fact that you are in this room, discussing this rationally with me, shows me how far you've come. I can't even begin to tell you how proud of you I am." Viki looked down at the floor. "Come sit down." Susannah patted the chair next to hers. Viki walked toward it and sat down. "Viki, your father made sure you would grow up feeling that way. He wanted that. It was his sickness that caused those feelings, not yours. It was his actions. You only reacted. You reacted in the only way you could. There is a normalcy in the way you reacted. Have you ever spoken with Dorian about the way you felt?"

"No, not in great detail. I did apologize to her for thinking she killed father for all these years. It is ironic isn't it? I wanted my father's love more than anything. For so much of my life it was the most important thing to me, until I met Joe. Then Joe's love became more important than anything. Father could no longer control me in the ways he was used to and he certainly couldn't control Joe. No one could control Joe. So Father got himself a new weapon . . . Dorian. Oh, she was a much better weapon than Irene. Irene was his dirty little secret . . . like me. But Dorian . . . oh Dorian was right out in the open. I guess my love for Joe called for the heavy artillery. It was not the puppy love I had with Roger. Father wanted me to love him more than anyone. He never wanted me to have a normal life. He was too selfish for that."

Viki paused as more realizations came to her. Susannah offered silent support. "I wonder if, in the end, Father still believed I would come back to him someday? I wonder if he felt betrayed? I wonder what his last thoughts were when I smothered the life out of him?" Viki started to tremble, but she continued. "I can still see his eyes as I came at him with that pillow. They were disbelieving. He must have thought I would stop. He must have believed that until the last breath left his body. I know he was vile and hateful, but how could I have done that? I can't even step on a bug. How could I have looked into my own father's eyes and smothered him? Do you know how long it takes to smother someone? Minutes! I had to stand there and hold that pillow down on him and press it into his face to make sure his air was cut off . . . and do you know what. I felt pleasure in it. Oh my God, it's true! I have all of Tori's memories now. This is one I wish I didn't have. I stood there and felt pleasure as I snuffed the life out of my own father. Todd thinks he's evil? He thinks he deserves to be punished? Even after all Peter did to him, when Todd's father was dying, he stood there still loving him and begging him live. You tell me Susannah! Who is the evil one? Who is the one who should be punished? Who!"

Viki put her face in her hands. She was sobbing and trembling. Susannah let her be for a minute and then gently rubbed her back. "Viki. Viki." Viki looked at her. "Neither brother nor sister deserve to be punished. You both reacted in the only way you could. The part of you that was Tori believed that was the only way to finally end your torment. It wasn't just revenge. Viki, you just wanted it to stop hurting. You had that right. Everyone does." Susannah put her arm around Viki's shoulder and said, "what this brother and sister do have in common is not evilness or being punished, it is intelligence, bravery and strength. Both you and Todd have this amazing strength. Perhaps it is the one gift Victor gave to both of you? . . . Strength and survival instincts the likes of which I have never seen."

Viki smiled weakly. "I still don't know why I saw Sloan standing there when I thought about Sam."

"Would you like to continue to explore that?" Susannah offered.

"I think I would like to go freshen up and then see if I can get Timmy or whoever is out to eat some lunch. I think I need to put the daughter part of me to sleep for a while and bring out the mother part."

Susannah agreed. Viki had enough for today. "Why don't you take some time to think about Sloan and why you feel he is the one you are hurting when you have relations with Sam and we can discuss it next time? I will be in to see Todd in a little while. I think once you get him to eat, if you do, you and Sam should go and have a nice leisurely lunch, anywhere but the hospital cafeteria. You need some down time from this place Viki. You and Sam both do. If all was well with Todd, Viki intended to take Susannah's advise.

*****

Timmy and Tea were putting together a puzzle when Viki came into the room. Sam hadn't come back yet. "Mommy!" Timmy shouted happily. He held his arms out for a hug. Viki took him in her arms and held him as tightly as she could without hurting him. "Mommy, Terry cleaned my stitches and it hurt a lot, but Jeff said I was a brave boy."

"Yes, he was. He was very brave," Tea confirmed.

Viki kissed Timmy's forehead. "You are my brave, beautiful boy. I love you so much sweetheart." Viki had a renewed sense of just how painful therapy was she knew what a torturous road Todd and all of them had ahead. "Where's Sam?" Viki asked Tea.

"He had to go to his office for a little while. He should be back any minute," Tea answered.

"Daddy promised he didn't go away forever," Timmy added.

Viki sat next to him and held him. "Oh, baby. We will never leave you forever. I promise. No one will ever leave you again." Just as Viki said that, Sam walked into the room.

"Daddy! You came back." Viki and Sam exchanged looks. It seemed no amount of promises could ever completely reassure Timmy, most of the children and Todd that when someone left it wouldn't be forever. "Daddy. I was real good and I did whatever Tee said." Timmy remembered what Sam had told him before he left.

"Timmy and I had a very good time together," Tea stated. She smiled at Timmy.

"Mommy . . . daddy . . . listen. I know how to count to ten in Spanish. Tee taught me again and I made the birds sing." Timmy counted to ten for them. His pronunciation was off, but he had all the numbers down. Viki, Sam and Tea all applauded.

"Very good sweetheart," Viki praised.

"Well, Tea. You'd better watch out. Timmy is going to be speaking Spanish as good as you very soon," Sam declared.

Hearing this made Timmy giggle. Timmy turned to Tea and said, "Tee. I forgot to show Auntie Dorian how I can count."

"Auntie Dorian?" Both Viki and Sam asked at the same time.

"Auntie Dorian came to visit." Timmy started to explain. "She said to call her that. Did you know she's Starr's aunt too?"

"Yes, baby. We know," Viki replied. She stroked Timmy's cheek. Viki was getting a bad feeling about "Auntie Dorian's" visit.

Sam sat down and started to help Timmy with the puzzle. It was a little awkward for Timmy to only be able to use his left hand.

Viki took Tea aside. "What did Dorian want?"

"She said she came to see you. Timmy was sleeping when she got here and I didn't want to leave him alone to talk to her outside the room. She was only here for a few minutes. I left to make a phone call. She said she'd watch him. She said he was very fond of her and that you knew it."

"I wouldn't exactly say fond, but she was kind to him the couple of times they met. What's with the Auntie Dorian?"

"I don't know," Tea admitted. "They were talking about something when I came back into the room. He woke up while I was out. I told Dorian to get a staff member to get me immediately if he woke up. She didn't."

"Yes . . . well that's Dorian for you," Viki proclaimed.

"Viki, I'm sorry. Did I handle it wrong by trusting her to be alone with Timmy?"

"No, Tea. No harm was done. I do believe even Dorian has a soft spot for Timmy," Viki conceded.

Viki and Tea looked at each other. "Auntie Dorian?" they both said and laughed together.

"Mommy?" Timmy called.

"Yes, sweetheart. What is it?"

"Is Kevin coming to see me today?" Timmy asked hopefully.

Viki was afraid of this. She knew that sooner or later Timmy would come out and ask for Kevin. Viki sat next to Timmy and put her arm around his shoulder. "Kevin's not feeling very well sweetheart. I don't think he'll be by today."

"Kevin's sick?" Timmy's chin beginning to quiver as tears welled up in his eyes.

"No, pal. He's not really sick. He's just a little under the weather," Sam tried.

"He got rained on?"

"No," Sam answered. He smiled and hugged Timmy to him. "That means that he's not very sick. He's just not feeling well enough to come here," Sam explained.

"Oh," Timmy responded sadly. Then his face brightened a little. "Can I draw him a picture? Maybe it will make him feel better?"

"Sure you can pal. I'll get you some paper and crayons."

Tea hated to leave. However she really needed to get to the office. She knew that she would be rearranging her schedule. She wanted to make sure she had plenty of time to come for visits. Tea told Timmy she had to get back to work.

"Are you ever going to come back again?" Timmy pressed. She could see sadness in his eyes.

"Angelito. I will come to see you whenever you want me to. You just tell mommy or daddy to call me and I will come right to you."

Timmy reached out and hugged her. "I love you a whole bunch Tee. I'm glad you're not mad at us."

Tea hugged him back. She kissed him on top of his head. "I love you too angelito." Tea's voice broke with emotion as she continued. "I was never mad at you and I will see you very soon." Tea could understand why Sam and Viki have put their lives on hold to be at the hospital with Todd and all the alters. She gave Timmy one final hug and left.