*****

Tea moved away from the doorway. She stood off to the side. She could still hear, but they couldn't see her. Terry noticed her but said nothing. She knew it was all right for Tea to be there and she realized Tea didn't want to upset Todd more by making her presence known. She didn't know what Tea had overheard. She had no way of knowing the pain that was in Tea's heart. Susannah was about to order a sedative, when she heard Timmy's voice.

"Mommy! Daddy! It hurts. Daddy! Mommy!" Sam and Viki rushed to Timmy. He tried to reach for them and panicked when he couldn't move his arms. He tried to raise his head to look down at his hands.

"Hi Timmy. Sweetie, you need to stay calm," Susannah said soothingly. She stroked Timmy's head.

"It hurrrrts!" Timmy cried.

"I know it does. I just gave you some medicine to help it not hurt so much." Susannah continued to stroke his head.

"I don't want a shot!" Timmy cried out.

"No shot. You already got the medicine. You won't get stuck sweetie. I promise."

"My other daddy's coming here to punish me!"

"Noooo, Timmy. Shhhhh. No one is going to punish you," Sam promised. He tenderly rubbed Timmy's soft cheek with the back of his finger.

"Yes he is. He tied me down so he could punish me," Timmy cried.

"Timmy, do you promise not to move around too much if I take the restraints off?" Susannah asked.

"No! Don't! Daddy will punish you too if you try to help me. He'll hit you and push you and jump up and down on top of you and make you cry and then he'll hurt me anyway."

They realized he was describing what happened when his mother tried to help him. "Timmy, listen to me. Your daddy didn't put the restraints on you. I did. You're not being held down so that you can be punished. They are on so that you don't move around too much and hurt yourself," Susannah explained. Cautiously, Susannah told him "sweetie, you've got a big boo-boo and had to have some stitches. That's why your chest and hand hurt." Susannah hoped he understood her explanation.

Timmy's chin and lower lip started to quiver. "I got stitches?"

"Yes, but it's okay. It's all done and in a few days it won't hurt so much. You just have to be careful," Susannah stated gently.

Timmy started to calm down as the painkiller took effect. "Okay, Timmy. I'm going to take the restraint off your left wrist," Susannah told him. He didn't move around when his arm was free. Susannah motioned for Terry and Gwen to release his other wrist and his ankles. Due to his wounds those were the only restraints on him. "Sweetie, if you need or want to move around, you have to let us know and we will help you. Okay?"

Timmy nodded and then asked, "Are you sure daddy didn't tie me down?"

"Yes, pal. We're sure," Sam answered.

They were so touched that Timmy would rather stay tied down and wait for his punishment than risk Peter hurting Susannah.

"Timmy, I promise. I put the restraints on you. It's all right for me to take them off," Susannah repeated, soothingly.

"Okay. I'm scared to be tied up," Timmy whimpered. Timmy looked at his right hand. "Will I be able to draw and paint?"

"Not for a couple of weeks with that hand, pal. We'll help you learn to use your other hand," Sam offered.

"Can I sit up more?" Timmy asked meekly.

"Sure you can. Let us help you so you don't press on your hand," Susannah instructed. Susannah and Sam lifted him up a little. Susannah then raised the bed a little higher.

Timmy looked around the room. "Where's Mr. Rabbit and Moose and Mr. Panda?" He noticed Blair standing off to the side. "You're Starr's mommy. I remember you. You brought us the bird book."

Blair walked up to the bed. "That's right cutie pie. Do you remember my name?"

"Blair?" Timmy guessed.

"That's right. And I remember that you drew some very fine pictures." Blair looked at him lovingly.

Timmy smiled. He held his right hand up. "I have a big boo-boo with stitches and I can't draw with this hand."

"I know. But you know what?" Blair posed. Timmy shook his head. "I heard that you are going to be fine and dandy in just a couple of weeks and then you will be able to draw all you want."

"Will you read me the bird book?"

Blair melted at the sight of Timmy's large innocent eyes. "Well, sure I will cutie pie."

Viki went get the book. She handed it to Blair. Blair sat down on the bed next to Timmy. She put her arm around him and started to read all about the different birds. Timmy put his head on her shoulder. He liked to run his fingers over the pictures of the birds. "Can you feel the feathers?" Blair kidded him, making him giggle.

Tea heard him and peeked in. Blair seemed so relaxed and easy with Timmy. It was as if she belonged there. Tea was about to leave when Viki looked up and saw her. Tea put her finger to her lips, to let Viki know not to say anything. Viki motioned for Tea to wait. "Sweetheart, I'm going to the pantry. If I bring you some chocolate pudding will you eat it?" Viki coaxed.

"Will it make my stitches feel better?" Timmy asked seriously.

"Chocolate pudding makes everything feel better," Blair remarked. She hugged Timmy tenderly.

"Will you feed me?" Timmy asked Blair shyly.

"You just bet I will," Blair agreed. "And I might steal a spoonful when you're not looking," she teased as she playfully touching her finger to the tip if Timmy's nose.

Timmy giggled again. "Mommy, can I have it in the bird dish?"

"Sure you can, baby," Viki replied. She went to get his pudding and to talk to Tea.

Viki had called Tea last night to let her know what had happened to Todd. Tea casually mentioned that she had just had dinner with Kevin. She was wondering if Viki would have a negative reaction to that. The only mention Viki made of it was to ask how Kevin seemed. "A little down," Tea had answered, honestly. Tea did not let Viki hear how upset she was by hearing Todd had hurt himself. She figured Viki had enough on her mind.

Viki didn't know that Tea cried herself to sleep. She didn't know that Tea dreamt that she and Todd were sitting on the penthouse floor playing Money Hungry. Tea felt love for Todd well up within her as she watched him reach for the substitute emergency card. Tea reached out and took his hand. She could feel it, warm, in her own. This time, in her dream, Todd pulled her close to him. She looked deep into those vulnerable hazel eyes. She felt his warm breath on her face. She closed her eyes and felt his lips on hers. She could feel their fullness. Their tongues explored each other's mouths. She felt the warmth from his lips spread throughout her entire body. She started to pull him closer to her. Tea could feel Todd's heart beating in time with hers as their chests pressed against each other. She could smell the sent of his shampoo in his hair. "Querido," Tea whispered in his ear. Suddenly her arms became empty. She looked around and she was back in the basement apartment in New York City that she had grown up in. The tiny apartment was empty. Tea ran from room to room. There was no sign of her father or her brothers. She was hoping the one person she wanted most to see was home. "Mami! Mami! she called out. Tea ran into her parent's room again. She tore open the closet and the draws. All her mother's things were gone. "MAMI! NOOOO!" Tea cried out. Tea then looked at the bed. Lying on it was the necklace her mother left her and the substitute emergency card. Tea's heart started to pound wildly as she realized that this was all she had left of everyone in the world she cared about. Tea picked up the necklace and tears poured down her face as she held it. She then picked up the card and screamed, "TOOOOOD!"

Tea woke up in a cold sweat. Her heart was pounding and her face wet with tears. She looked at the clock. It was three forty-five in the morning. She wanted to go to the hospital right then, but knew she had to wait few hours more. Tea curled up into a ball. She hugged her pillow to her. The fingers on her right hand were feeling the wedding band on her left ring finger. She cried herself back to sleep.

"Tea, please wait," Viki called.

"Blair seems to have everything under control. I'm not needed in there," Tea snapped.

"Honey. Please don't feel that way. Timmy is a child. He likes it when someone pays attention to him. He would be reacting the same way to you, if you were in there."

"Somehow, I don't think so. Blair is comfortable with him. She is not afraid of upsetting him. He senses that."

"Tea, Timmy loves to have you visit him. Please stay and say hello to him," Viki pleaded.

"Maybe Timmy would be happy to see me, but I know one thing. Todd does not scream and cry for me to stay with him. He does not say he needs me. It's Blair. It's always Blair!"

"Tea, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were standing there long enough to hear that. Since you were, you must have also heard Todd starting to go into a psychotic episode. You must have realized that the reason he needs and wants Blair is because he is terrified for Starr. He wants Blair to protect Starr. He wants to make sure Blair does the right thing for Starr. He doesn't want her there for himself."

"Why is Blair here so often now anyway?" Viki heard the annoyance in Tea's voice.

"Ever since Blair saw him during on of his psychotic episodes she has been extremely worried about his treatment. I think seeing her mother in similar circumstances has a lot to do with it."

"Viki, you do know that Blair believes he should be out to the hospital?" Tea pointed out.

"Yes. Blair has made that clear to everyone," Viki confirmed.

"Viki," Tea began. She looked down for a moment. She then looked directly into Viki's eyes. "Blair also believes that Kevin and I are having and affair."

"I know that too. Tea, I hope you don't think I believe that?"

"No . . . it's . . . it's just that Blair really believes it and . . ."

"Honey." Viki cut her off and tried to spare Tea any further embarrassment. "I know you and I know my son. You both love Todd and wouldn't do that to him. I also know that both you and Kevin are in a bad way now. If spending time with each other can bring either of you comfort, I have no problem with it. Now, why don't you come in to say hello to Timmy?"

Tea thought for a moment. "I'll be in to see him in a little bit. I want to go to the gift shop and get him something."

Viki shook her head. "Tea, Timmy does not need any more toys, games or books. He needs you. Todd does too. And you know something . . . he probably realizes that when his thinking is rational. He is just afraid and embarrassed to be around you. Honey, he is always remembering how he hurt you and he is so afraid he will do it again. Just yesterday, before Rocky came out, Todd was talking about how he hurt you. He thinks you hate him and that you have every right to. He is racked with guilt over the things he's done to you and the things he hasn't been able to do," Viki said frankly.

"Oh my God! Viki, doesn't he know by now that I forgive him? What must he think of me if he thinks I would hold the things he's done because of his illness against him? He still doesn't trust me. He doesn't trust my love. That's really what it comes down to. Maybe it's because of all the times I have hurt him. We hurt each other Viki. We hurt each other a lot. He just doesn't trust me. He never did."

"Honey." Viki took Tea's hand. "Todd doesn't trust anyone's love. He has no experience in trusting love. Love has always hurt him. It has left him."

"So he pushes it away or leaves it first," Tea acknowledged. The sadness in her voice matched the sadness in her eyes.

"Tea, please. Don't let Blair's presence intimidate you. You are Todd's wife, not Blair. I know you are afraid of Todd's reaction should he come out. Please don't let that keep you away from Timmy, Tom and the others. They want to see you. Do you think it's fair to them to stay away because Todd doesn't want to see you?"

"What would Todd do if he didn't have you to always plead his case for him?" Tea asked. She smiled and squeezed Viki's hand.

"Well, he does have me, and I hope he has you too," Viki declared. She looked Tea's eyes.

"Yes. He has me. Now, let's go let Blair know that she is not the only Mrs. Manning around here." Viki went to get Timmy's pudding and Tea headed for Todd's room.

Sam was sitting in a chair in a corner of Todd's room, reading the Sun. Timmy was happily snuggling in Blair's arms. His head rested on Blair's shoulder. Timmy was holding his stuffed animals in his left arm. "Show us the one who looks like Moose again," Timmy requested. He held up his stuffed parrot so it could see the page Blair was turning to. "See! He looks like you," Timmy said to the parrot. They all turned their heads up when Tea walked into the room. "TEE!" Timmy shouted happily. He pronounced it more like the way Starr called Tea "Tee" than Tea. "Tee look. I got stitches." Timmy held up his right hand and pointed to his chest.

"I see. I hear you're being a very brave boy about it," Tea said lovingly.

"Uh-huh. I'm staying real quiet and not moving around like Doctor Hanen says. Daddy says I'm not being punished and mommy is gonna bring me chocolate pudding and Blair is reading me the bird book. It's my favorite. Blair is Starr's mommy. Starr and I used to play together when we lived in Todd's house. Do you like the bird book?"

"Yes, I do. I like birds very much," Tea confirmed. She looked in Blair's direction.

"Hello Tea!" Blair practically spat out Tea's name.

"Hello Blair," Tea answered sweetly. She would not give Blair the satisfaction of seeing her upset.

"Tee, look. Mr. Jackson gave me a bird that looks just like Moose. Did you know Moose?"

"Yes, honey. I did. Would you like me to tell you a story about how Moose snuck into my room one night and stole my watch?"

Timmy nodded eagerly.

Tea sat opposite from Blair, on Timmy's other side. She started to tell him the story. Before long, Timmy was snuggling up against Tea. He looked up at her as she told him how a jealous Moose stole her watch, leaving one of his feathers behind as evidence.

Timmy's eyes were as big as saucers as he listened. He would occasionally giggle at Moose's antics. Viki stood in the doorway with the bowl of pudding in her hand. She didn't want to interrupt. She enjoyed seeing Timmy so close to Tea. When the story was over Viki came in and said, "Here's your pudding, sweetheart. I see you are having a good time."

"I love Tea and Blair," Timmy announced to Viki. Tea and Blair looked at each other. Both felt uncomfortable.

"And I love you too, cutie pie," Blair said. She hugged Timmy.

Tea had wanted to say the same thing to him, but she had held back. Now she was sorry she did. Sam took the bowl and explained to them that if Timmy finished all the pudding the birds would sing. He then set the timer.

"Here Sam, I'll take that." Blair took the bowl of pudding from Sam.

Tea watched as Blair fed Timmy. She gently wiped his mouth after every spoonful. When Timmy was halfway through he held his lips closed tightly and shook his head when Blair held up the next spoonful. "Are you full already?" Blair asked. She put down the spoon and stroked Timmy's hair back. Timmy nodded. Blair looked toward Viki.

"Timmy, try to eat a little more. Don't you want to hear the birds sing, sweetheart?" Viki coaxed.

Timmy shook his head again.

"Timmy, do I get my turn?" They all looked at Tea as she asked this. Timmy looked at her quizzically. "Do I get a turn at feeding you the pudding?"

"That's right pal. Tea didn't have her turn yet," Sam jumped on Tea's idea.

"Okay," Timmy agreed.

Tea held her hand out. Blair handed her the bowl and spoon, begrudgingly. For each spoonful Timmy took, Tea taught him how to say its number in Spanish. She smiled as Timmy tried to pronounce what she taught him. Before long, the pudding bowl was nearly empty and the timer went off.

"Wow! That is some special bowl," Tea admired it and made a big deal of it for Timmy's sake.

"Kevin bought it for me. Kevin is my bestest friend in the whole world," Timmy announced proudly. Timmy yawned and rubbed his eyes with his left hand.

"I think he needs a nap," Sam recognized when Timmy had enough. "Hey pal. You wanna lie down for a while and get some sleep?"

"I really have to be going anyway," Blair announced. "I do have to keep Todd's newspaper going," she added smugly. >

"I am really glad you're doing such a good job with the Sun, Blair," Tea praised Blair sweetly. "That is one less thing on my mind as I take care of every other aspect of Todd's affairs."

Sam and Viki looked at each other and smiled. They were glad to see that Tea was not allowing herself to be intimidated.

Blair kissed Timmy good-bye and left. Tea stayed behind to talk to Sam and Viki.

Timmy forgot and rolled over on his left side. He cried out in pain. Sam grabbed him and held him. "Okay, Timmy. Oooookay, buddy. Shhhh. I know that hurt."

"Daddy," Timmy cried. He held onto Sam. Viki rubbed his back. The pain eased in a few minutes. Sam carefully laid Timmy down. Viki pulled the covers up over him. Timmy held onto his stuffed animals. He turned on his right side. "Tee?" Timmy called out.

"I'm here Timmy," Tea walked over to the bed.

"Tell me the Moose story again, please," Timmy requested.

Sam pulled a chair up next to the bed for Tea. She wasn't even half way through the story before Timmy was sound asleep. Frank came in to sit with him. Viki, Sam walked Tea out. They filled her in on what Susannah had explained to them yesterday.

"Do you think Doctor Hanen might have a few minutes to speak with me?" Tea asked.

"I think so. I have a session with her in about an hour. Maybe she can see you now?" Viki suggested.

Tea seemed a little surprised that Viki was having sessions with Susannah. "Tea, getting over that kind of devastating abuse is not easy. There are still issues I have left to deal with . . . and no . . . I'm not dissociating again." Tea looked away, embarrassed, because that was what she was wondering. "It's all right, honey. It's only natural to wonder. Once Todd is integrated, he will most likely stay integrated. My therapy was interrupted because Susannah had to leave town. Quite frankly, I was relieved that I never had to talk about some issues. I realize now I did myself no favor. They stayed in me, like an untreated infection."

"What made you decide to go back into therapy at this point? Oh Viki. I'm sorry. That's really none of my business, I . . . "

"Tea. Tea, please. We're family. It's all right. Actually, it was Todd . . . well . . . Andy specifically. When he was talking about some of the sexual abuse he suffered and the way he felt about it, it uncovered some of the feelings I had buried very deep within me. These were feelings that had no memories connected to them until I started talking to Susannah about them. Tea, I am more like Todd than you know. When a child is sexually abused it twists their perceptions about sex . . . about their body . . . about their sexuality . . . about everything. It makes them feel that what nature meant for their body to do is wrong, that it is bad. They confuse the act committed against them, which was bad, with their body's normal response to it."

"Are you saying that Todd is not only afraid of intimacy because he was abused, but also because he responded sexually to that abuse and that he feels he is doing something wrong if he feels his body responding to me?"

"Yes. Todd is not the only one of Father's children to feel that way. Luckily for Todd and me, we fell in love with patient people." Viki smiled sadly.

Tea took Viki's hand. "Viki, I'm sorry."

Viki could see the sadness in Tea's eyes. She squeezed Tea's hand and said, "The good news is that both brother and sister are getting the help they need. Tea, Todd has a very long and painful road ahead of him, but he has been taking some steps. They may seem like baby steps to us . . . oh honey . . . believe me . . . to Todd they are the hardest giant steps you can imagine. I believe with all my heart that Todd will come back all the way and that the two of you will someday have the life you both deserve. As long as you keep loving Todd, I know that it can happen." Viki noticed something in Tea's eyes she hadn't seen for a very long time . . . hope. Viki patted Tea's arm. "Why don't you have them ring Susannah's office and see if she can see you now?"

*****

Susannah was more than happy to have Tea come to speak with her.

"I know you're busy and I'm sorry to intrude," Tea apologized, as soon as she sat in front of Susannah's desk.

"Tea, why do you see this as an intrusion?" Tea shifted uncomfortably in her chair. "I know you have your hands full. You don't need to have to take the time for everyone who comes to visit Todd."

"Is that how you see yourself, as just some visitor?"

"No . . . uh . . . th-that's not exactly what I meant." Tea smiled nervously.

"Then how do you see your place in Todd's life?" Susannah pressed.

"I'm his wife. I love him."

"Do you feel like his wife, right now?" Susannah knew this was going to be hard for Tea.

"Right now . . . after just spending time with Timmy . . . No." Tea shook her head. "I felt more like the way I do with Starr . . . more like his mother. But that's nothing new."

"What do you mean?" Susannah probed.

"Whew! No wonder Todd is afraid of therapy." Tea tried to make a joke out of what she really felt.

"Tea, I'm not about to force you to talk about anything you don't want to discuss. I appreciate that you are doing this to help you understand Todd better. Please, let me know if I've asked you something you would rather not talk about. I just think that it might be helpful to Todd if you had more understanding of your relationship with him. I certainly think it would be helpful to you. Your feelings in this count you know? It isn't just about Todd," Susannah explained. She hoped to make Tea more comfortable.

Tea thought for a minute and then spoke. "It seems like I have been taking care of Todd and Todd's needs ever since we met. At first it was getting him custody of Starr. Then it was helping him cope with Blair, then with sharing Starr, then coping with his wild mood swings and jealousy, then with Georgie and finally his breakdown. I knew something was very wrong with Todd for months before he finally broke down completely. He never really pulled out of finding Georgie. Now I understand why. Yet I always feel that I could have somehow prevented things from getting so bad. I saw it happening. In the days before he took everyone hostage he was really losing it. He took Starr and tried to run away to Canada. I went with them. Then I pretended to be sick and called Sam and we tried to get him to come back to Llanview. He ran off with Starr. Finally he did come back to Llanview. He dropped her at her mother's and headed for Viki's. Then he took Viki and everyone hostage and this whole thing began. I wonder if that phone call to Sam was a huge mistake. If I hadn't done that one thing, he would never had taken everyone hostage. He wouldn't have kidnapped me and punched me. I would not have hit him. He would not have gone to the cabana and Sam would not have confronted him there. Maybe none of this would have happened? Maybe he would not have become this ill?"

"So, you feel that everything that Todd is going through now is because of that one phone call you made to Sam to get him to help Todd?" Susannah restated. She recognized the guilt Tea was carrying around.

"Sometimes I believe that. I know that's not rational. I know that Todd was already very damaged and disturbed by the time we met. I just keep remembering the look in his eyes when he realized I had betrayed him by calling Sam. When he thought I was sick he was so good and comforting to me. It reminded me of the way he was after Blair pushed me through the window."

"Blair pushed you through a window?" Susannah hadn't been aware of this.

"Well, I was trying to push her buttons at a party. I wanted her to lose it in front of everyone to help Todd's chances of custody. She lost it a little more than I had anticipated and became hysterical and accidentally pushed me through a second story window. I was hurt pretty badly, but I left the hospital the next day and showed up in court and won Todd custody of Starr."

"You left the hospital a day after you were pushed out of a second story window and went to court?" Susannah was shocked.

"I couldn't let Blair take Starr away from Todd. It would kill him if he lost that little girl. It was just he and she."

"What about you? You were married to Todd at the time weren't you?"

Tea looked down at her lap. "Yes. We were married," Tea responded softly.

"So why did you leave yourself out of the equation?"

"I was only there to give the appearance of a real family, as Todd never failed to remind me. Todd really didn't want a wife. He wanted to keep his little girl."

"Do you think he still feels that way?" Susannah pushed.

"No. I . . . he did ask me to marry him for real . . . I . . . I . . . Doctor Hanen I don't know what he feels now. He doesn't want to see me. That much I know!" Tea's eyes became teary as she said that.

"No, Tea. It's not that Todd does not want to see you. He doesn't want you to see him. There is a difference."

"I know. I have heard it over and over again. He doesn't want to see me because he loves me and he is ashamed in front of me. He remembers we hurt each other and he is afraid it will happen again."

"Tea, you say that as if you don't really believe it. Do you think Todd has another reason for not wanting to see you?"

Tea really hated this. She felt even more compassion then ever for Todd having to talk about things that were a million times more painful to him than this conversation was to her. "I sometimes wonder if Todd was just afraid of being left alone? He kept pushing me away. Then when I took him up on it he wanted me back. I wonder if this is just more pushing me away, only this time maybe he doesn't want me back?"

"Why do you think that is?" Susannah asked this troubled young woman.

"Maybe it's not me he needs or wants in his life now?" Tea stated. She looked Susannah in the eye.

"Viki and Sam aside, whom do you think it is that Todd wants in his life?" Susannah posed.

"Blair," Tea admitted. She once again looked down at her lap.

"Why do you think that?"

"Doctor Hanen, you know that Todd has been clinging to Blair. He calls for her. He gets hysterical if she is asked to leave the room. You were there. Blair just takes over when she is with him. He feels safe with her. He isn't afraid she will hurt him. God knows why that is, because she has hurt him very badly over and over and over again. Yet somehow he always forgives her."

"Tea, do you honestly believe that Todd calling out for Blair that way means he wants to get back together with her?" Tea didn't answer. "Tea, I can tell you one thing. Todd has never called for or cried for Blair when he wasn't experiencing a psychotic episode. I am not saying that Todd has no feelings for Blair. I really don't know because we haven't discussed that yet. I do know that Todd, when he was himself, did not want Blair here. Blair is a little more aggressive when it comes to visits. I'm not saying that is bad. I would like to see Todd get to a point where he can interact calmly with all of you. Todd needs love and affection from all concerned. However, the reason Blair is here more often than you is Blair herself, not Todd. He has not been asking for her. It wasn't until he felt Starr was being threatened that he called for Blair. Tea, do you understand what I am telling you?"

For once Tea really did start to believe that it was part of Todd's illness that made him cry out for his ex-wife and not her.

Secrets 74, Page 2