*****

"NOOOOO! NO DRUGS! NO DRUGS! LET ME GO! UNTIE ME! NOOOOO!"

"Todd, you're hurting yourself. You've tried to pull out the feeding tube and the IV. You're not leaving me any choice. I have to keep you safe. You haven't been able to calm down by yourself." Susannah kept her voice slow and calm.

"NO! . . . I'VE GOTTA GET AWAY! . . . THAT STUFF IS POISON . . . YOU'RE POISONING ME . . . OHHHH, THEY'RE NOT REAL! THEY'RE PRETENDING! THEY STOLE MY ARMS AND LEGS. THESE AREN'T MINE. THEY'RE TOO BIG . . . I'M NOT REAL . . . WASH AWAY THE DEVIL! . . . NO DRUGS! NOOOO! . . . WHERE'S DOCTOR HANEN? HE TOOK HER. HE TOOOOK HER . . . THEY STOLE MY BRAIN! THE TREES STOLE MY BRAIN! . . . NOOOO!"

"Todd, Todd! Shhhhh. I'm right here. Todd! I am Doctor Hanen. No one took me. Todd, you need to calm down."

"OHHHH, I'M GONNA TELL DOCTOR HANEN YOU'RE PRETENDING TO BE HER. THEY'LL ARREST YOU. UNTIE ME! UNTIE MEEEE!"

"Todd, I can't do that. You won't be safe. You need to calm down. Just try to relax."

"NO DRUGS!" Todd couldn't see if they were coming at him with a shot. He desperately wanted to dislodge the IV and the feeding tube. He believed they were trying to poison him.

"Boomer, the medication won't hurt, Todd, it's just going to calm you down and help you sleep." Sam was desperate. He couldn't stand this anymore. He was dying inside. Todd's pain was overwhelming him.

"YOU'RE NOT SAAAAM! . . . WHERE'S SAM? YOU'RE PRETENDING . . . MAMAAA! IT'S TOO DARK. I CAN'T FIND THE CABIN. I'M LOST IN THE WOODS. IT'S TOO WINDY. I'M SO COLD . . . WHERE'S RANDY? . . . NOOOO! MAMA! MAMA! HE'S GOT ALL OF THEM. THEY'RE NOT REAL . . . I WANT BLAIR. HE TOOK STARR . . . NOOOO! . . . VIKI HATES ME . . . MAMA!"

Terry came in with the sedative. She quickly injected it into Todd's IV.

"NO! YOU'RE TRYING TO POISON ME CAUSE I KNOW YOU'RE NOT REAL. I KNOW THEY'RE NOT REAL. OH GOD! OH GOD! I'M NOT REAL TOO. . . . MAMAAAA! THESE AREN'T MY ARMS AND LEGS. GIVE ME BACK MY ARMS AND LEGS . . . . VIKIIII! . . . THEY'RE GONNA POISON ME. NO DRUGS!"

Todd didn't know the medication had already been administered. The sedative started to take effect. Todd's screams turned to murmurs and he finally fell into a restless sleep. It had been nearly seventy-two hours since Todd had been taken out of the art room. He had since been kept restrained and sedated off and on. Unfortunately, more on. This was the ninth psychotic episode he had experienced in that time. At times, like now, Todd would be out. Sometimes Willie or Peep would come out. They too were experiencing psychotic episodes and were in danger of hurting themselves. In between episodes Todd was detached, going into a trance state. He was not responsive to anything. They would put him in the chair and he would not move a muscle for hours on end. His eyes would stay blank. At one point on the morning of the third day he seemed to calm down and as soon as the wrist restraints were removed he immediately tried to pull out the IV and the feeding tube. Todd had been in restraints since then. Even with t powerful sedatives, his sleep had been restless. He was constantly struggling against the restraints. He was back on a cardiac monitor and on oxygen. The psychotic episodes Todd started going into showed no signs of letting up. He got no comfort from Sam and Viki's presence as he believed them to be impostors, as he did Susannah.

On the second day they had tried calling Blair back, but this time even her presence did not calm him. Blair managed to compose herself while in the room with Todd. She lit into Sam, Susannah and Viki as soon as they went into the hallway. "Don't tell me that he had a breakthrough! Look at him! What the hell are you people doing to him! I want him out of here! Viki, please, he's your flesh and blood. Don't let this happen to him. Don't let him suffer this way."

"Blair, Todd is having a psychotic episode. He needs to be protected from himself. Would you want him walking the streets in this condition? Would you want him around Starr in this condition?" Susannah tried to reason with Blair.

"Maybe keeping him here is what is putting him into this condition? I don't know. I don't know. I just know he is a human being. You are keeping him tied down like an animal. I wouldn't even do that to an animal. He doesn't want the drugs you're giving him and you still give them to him. Viki, how can you allow this to be done to him?"

"Do you think it's easy for me? Do you think I want to see all that being done to him? Don't you know how it is ripping me to pieces. When Starr was sick, do you think she liked everything that was done to her? Yet, you allowed them to do it. Todd allowed them to do it. What was the alternative? To let her die? You do what you have to, to save your child. Even if it hurts them, even if they hate you for it. Don't tell me I don't love Todd. I would die for him. I know what it is to be mentally ill and yet I wish it were I in there instead of him. I would go through this suffering for him in a minute if I could. I love Todd every bit as much as you love Starr."

Blair felt a rush of compassion and sympathy for Viki, but she did not agree that this is what was best for Todd. She knew it was pointless to argue with Viki and Sam for they truly believed they were doing the right thing. When Blair found out this episode started right after a visit with Tea, she headed straight for Tea's office. She was surprised to find the office locked and Tea nowhere in sight.

After Tea left the hospital, she sat in her car for nearly an hour before she could stop crying and trembling. She could not believe her visit with Tom had escalated into this. To watch that sweet, sad, gentle child turn into Pete before her eyes was bad enough, but to know that her being there had caused Todd to flip out the way he did was too much for her to bear. She also kept hearing Pete's words over and over again in her ear. "You'll be back. You know why? Because you'll never get Todd out of your system. No matter what you do or where you go you will always end up coming back. You are in this for the rest of your life, Delgado." Tea knew every word Pete had said was true.

As Tea approached the bar at the Palace Hotel she recognized a familiar figure sitting on a bar stool, hunched over the bar. "Kevin?"

Kevin turned to her. He had obviously been drinking for some time before she got there. "Well, Tea Delgado, as I live and breath. Oh, I'm sorry. I mean Tea Manning. Do you still call yourself Tea Manning or have you given up on him and gone back to Delgado?"

"Kevin, you're drunk!"

"How nice of you to notice. So tell me, what is one of Llandview's fine upstanding attorneys doing at a bar in the afternoon?"

"The same thing you are. Let me have a double Scotch and as soon as I finish that, bring me another. I have to catch up with my friend here," Tea said to the bartender.

Kevin was not so drunk that he didn't realize Tea was in a bad way. "Do you want to talk about it?" Kevin asked.

"Talk about it? Hmmm, let's see. Oh, okay. My husband is lying sedated into oblivion in his hospital bed because he realized I was in the room with him." Tea gulped down her drink and slammed the empty glass on the bar, letting the bartender know she was ready for the next one. "Wait, let me amend that. He now believes that my being there was just some nightmare he had, one that he begged them not to let him have again."

"Is Todd all right?" Kevin inquired anxiously.

Tea laughed. "All right? When was the last time you spoke with your mother?"

"A few days ago. Why what's happened. Is my mom all right? Is Todd hurt? Tea, tell me?" The liquor Kevin had consumed was not enough to stop his heart from pounding at the thought of something happening to Todd.

"Todd had a psychotic episode. He thought that he and Doctor Hanen and Sam and Viki weren't real. He is hearing a voice or voices that are telling him that. It is also telling him Starr will be hurt. Todd was so terrified that they called for Blair. She freaked out when she saw his condition and is now insisting that I do something to get Todd out of the hospital. I went there to see for myself what was going on. I spoke with Susannah and I feel as your mother and Sam do. The hospital is the best place for Todd. Tom was out and I had a visit with him. I became upset at the unbelievable sadness of his life. He tried to comfort me. Do you believe it? That sweet, hurt little boy was trying to make me feel better. I guess he became upset because the next thing I knew, Pete came out."

"Pete. Yeah, I had a little run in with Pete too," Kevin admitted.

Tea was surprised. "What happened?"

"I was with Thomas. He became upset and Pete came out. He started pushing my buttons. He was pushing everyone's buttons. I was the only one to lose it with him. I told him everything that happened to him was his father's fault and he flipped out. He had to be heavily sedated." Kevin stopped taking and ordered another drink.

Tea had nearly finished her second double and ordered a third. "Pete didn't flip out when I was with him. I think he was actually enjoying himself, at least at the beginning," Tea acknowledged. She drained her glass and started to sip the third drink and then continued. "No, I made Todd flip out. Poor sick, tortured Todd. Things weren't bad enough for him. I know how fragile he is. I know there was always the possibility that he could come out, just like on his birthday. Still I had to see him. I wanna tell myself that it is all Blair's fault, that she's the one who talked me into seeing him, but that is such bullshit. I wanted to see him. You think Todd lives in a make believe existence. You ain't seen nothing yet, buddy. Do you know I actually had this fantasy that if Todd came out he would be so happy to know I was there that he would just start healing. I thought that my mere presence would be a turning point for him. Maybe I should be in a locked unit? No, when Todd becomes really upset and frightened it's Blair he wants. She's the one he turns to. Why am I surprised? It's always Blair. You think you know me, don't you Kevin? What do you think of a woman who is so pathetically jealous that she begrudges her husband, her very sick husband, a visit with someone who can comfort him. Even if that someone is his bitch of an ex-wife?"

Kevin stared at her for a minute. "Why don't you tell me what you think of a man who might be entirely capable of hurting a child?"

Tea was drunk, but not enough to not be shocked by what Kevin had just said. "What are you talking about?"

"Tea, you know I have a kid, right?"

"Yeah, a little boy."

"A little boy I haven't seen in over a year and who I have only seen a few times in his life over the past several years. And ya know what? It's just as well. It's just as well I stay away from Duke and maybe I should stay away from Timmy too?"

"What brought this on? Viki and Sam told me Timmy adores you, that he idolizes you. From what I hear, you're crazy about him. Why do you want to stay away?"

"My grandfather, the late great son of a bitch, Victor Lord, has left quite a legacy to pass on to his son and his grandson. He has left us both scared shit that we are going to turn out just like the old bastard. Todd thinks he inherited his propensity for rape. Who knows, maybe I lucked out too?"

"You're not serious?" Tea asked, slurring her words slightly.

"No? How far a step is it from mentally abusing a child to physically abusing one and then to sexual abusing him or her?"

Tea was getting confused. "Are you talking about your son?"

"Sure, why not? If I am capable of feeling intense anger and hatred at the body that houses a child I love, how long before I direct it at the child? I didn't even tell my mother or Doctor Hanen, but I. . . . " Kevin finished off his drink. He looked down at the empty glass and then pleadingly at Tea and said, "I wanted to hit him. I really wanted to hit him. I wanted to wipe that smirk right off his face. GOD! He is so sick. I mean he is practically dying and I wanted to hit him. What if I had? What if I had hurt him? That's Timmy's body too. What if I had caused Timmy to wake up to what, a bruised eye or jaw? To more pain. What if I had caused that little boy, who I love as much as my own son, to come back to even more pain?" Tears poured from Kevin's eyes. Tea took him in her arms. "You know I'm capable of it Tea. You of all people know I can be a selfish bastard and hurt people. You are one of the people I hurt. You know how I went after Todd when Georgie died. It was personal. I didn't just want a story. I wanted to get him. I wanted to hurt him and to make him suffer. Pete was right. I was jealous. I felt my mother's love for him from the minute she found out he was her brother and I hated it. I hated that bond they shared. There was no room for me in that bond. I wanted him out of my mother's life and I wanted her to hate him as much as I did. I thought proving he killed Georgie was the best way to achieve that."

Kevin took another long drink and continued. "Can you imagine what finding Georgie's body that way, with a bat and work gloves in the room and blood all over the place, had to have been like for him? It was one of his nightmares come true. Then to be accused of a murder he knew he didn't commit? That was one of the things Pete was screaming about. That poor twisted mind of his thinks he is going to be sent to prison for killing Michelle. That is what he thought I was there for. He thought they were drugging him so we could all take him to prison. After Susannah had him sedated, as he was going out, you could just tell he thought he was going to wake up in prison. Pete may be paranoid, but he has this way of knowing what is in your mind and of getting to the truth about what you are feeling and spitting it in your face."

"Tell me about it," Tea told Kevin what Pete had told her.

"Is he right? Are you in this for the rest of your life?"

Tea ordered another drink. "Like you said, Pete has this way of knowing the truth."

"He loves you Tea. Todd may not know it right now, but he loves you and he needs you."

"Do you know what I need right now? I need to dance. Come on Kevin. Think we can dance without falling over?" Tea laughed.

"I don't feel like dancing now." Kevin just wanted to get even drunker. He wanted to get numb enough to stop feeling, completely.

"Come on Buchanan. One dance." She tugged at his arm.

"Tea, stop! There's no music. Why don't you call a cab and go home?"

"Home?" Tea laughed loudly. "I am home. I live here remember?" Tea put both her arms around Kevin's neck. "Why don't you take me home? Take me to my room Kevin," she whispered in his ear.

Kevin thought about it for a minute. He was not drunk enough to not realize what Tea wanted. He knew she was asking out of grief and if he let anything happen between them, not only would he hate himself, but also Tea would hate him and never forgive herself. "I think you can manage to find your way to your room."

"No, I can't manage to find my way at all anymore." Tea burst into tears. Kevin held her and let her cry. "I still love him so much. I knew going into it that Todd was disturbed. I thought I could help. Then I started to fall in love with him. I thought that I would be the magic bullet. I thought my love could save him. I thought I could do what Blair was never able to. I believed my love for him was stronger than hers could ever be. I saw how hard Todd was trying. Whatever I asked him to do, he tried to do it. No matter how hard or painful it was for him, he tried." Tea laughed sadly. "Do you know he went to Charlie Briggs to ask him what a normal marriage is like? Poor Todd. He has no idea, not in the slightest way, of what a normal marriage is supposed to be. He actually took notes and tried to pattern our life on what Briggs told him. He thought having a drink and doing puzzles and talking about our kitchen appliances was what married people do. He thought that was the way I wanted to spend the evening. He was like a lost child trying to find his way.

Now it was Tea who took a large gulp of her drink before continuing. "When I wanted to go away for the weekend he went along with it. Then once we were there I tired to pressure him into sleeping with me. God! I didn't know. I never suspected what had happened to him. He panicked and left the inn we were staying at. He tried, right up to that day in the cabana he tried. Don't you see? I want to be the one to help him, to comfort him when he's afraid. I want to be the one he turns to. Not Blair. You talk about what kind of person you are? I should be happy and grateful if Todd got even a few moments of comfort from his torment from seeing Blair, but instead I'm jealous. What does that say for me? Maybe we are two of a kind Kevin? Maybe neither of us should go near him?"

Tea finished her drink and Kevin did the same.

"Let's talk about something other than Todd. How are you and Cassie doing?"

Without looking up from his empty glass, Kevin answered, "Is it too clichéd to say she doesn't understand me?"

"About Todd?"

"About everything, lately. She doesn't understand why I am so angry with her mother for trying to sneak in to see Todd and try to get Blair sole custody of Starr. She doesn't understand why I am doubting myself. She doesn't even understand why I care about Timmy as much as I do. She has compassion for him, but she also keeps harping on all the things Todd did in the past."

"That doesn't sound like Cassie. She of all people should have a better understanding of mental illness," Tea stated.

"Well, maybe it's because my time has been completely taken up by what's happened to Todd. I am at the paper all the time and have taken over most of mom's duties. When I'm not there I'm at the hospital or worrying about my mom or Todd. I have been staying at Llanfair for the past few days. Ever since I lost it with Pete," Kevin confessed.

"Does Cassie know you've been staying there?" Tea asked.

"Yeah, she knows."

"Has she tried to see you?" Tea inquired.

"Nope! It's just as well. I don't think I feel like telling her what I just told you. Somehow I don't think she would think Todd is worth getting this upset over." Kevin looked at his glass. "I should be a lot drunker than I am. This isn't working."

"I am not as numb as I was hoping for either. Maybe we should call it a night?" Tea suggested. She looked at her watch. "Or maybe an early evening," she joked.

Kevin stood up and nearly fell over. "I guess it went feet," he laughed.

"Kevin you are in no shape to even get to a cab. I think you'd better come to my room and sleep it off."

Kevin looked at her. "Tea, I don't know if that is such a good idea."

"Don't worry Buchanan. Right now all I want to do is go to sleep. There are two beds in my suite. You can have the small one."

Kevin thought about if for another minute. He tried taking another step and realized Tea was right. He was in no condition to even get in a cab. Holding on to each other for support, they headed up to Tea's room.

Kevin's head was spinning by the time they got to Tea's suite. He was grateful to be near a bed. He passed out as soon as his head hit the pillow. Tea threw a blanket over him. She did not feel well. She headed for the bathroom and threw up. She changed into a robe. Feeling more weak than drunk and like she could sleep for a week, she lay down and fell asleep herself.

Tea heard someone pounding on her door. She looked at the clock on the nightstand. She could not believe it was nearly noon of the next day. She looked over and saw Kevin was still asleep. Tea staggered to the door.

"Come on Tea. I saw your car in the garage. I know you're in there. Open up!" She recognized Blair's voice.

Tea opened the door and Blair came bursting into the room. "Where the hell have you been I went to your office. I tried here and there was no answer. I finally came over and went to see if your car was here." Without giving Tea a chance to reply, Blair continued, "I should have known better than to tell you to go see Todd. What did you do to him?"

Tea's brain was still in a fog, but she still became alarmed. "What happened? What's happened to Todd?"

"He's been having psychotic episodes since you left. They have him tied to the bed and drugged. He's way worse than when I saw him. What the hell did you do to him?"

"Oh, God," Tea said, more to herself than to Blair. Reaching for the sofa, she sat down.

Blair was too angry and frightened to take Tea's reaction into consideration. "I sent you there to help him and look what you did. He is so out of it he didn't even know I was in the room with him. He was acting insane, going on about not being real and no one else being real and his arms and legs not belonging to him. He didn't know where he was or if he was in bed or in a chair or standing. You were supposed to go there to see about getting him released. Instead you drove him completely over the edge." In her heart, Blair knew that Todd was long gone before Tea came near him. Still, she needed someone to blame and Tea was it.

Tea tried to get her thoughts together. "I never promised to get Todd released. I said I would talk to Doctor Hanen and to Sam and Viki and see for myself how Todd was."

"Well, did you get to see enough? What are you waiting for, to see Todd in a straight jacket? Or to see him dead?"

"Todd was not in a psychotic episode when I was with him. In fact I had a very nice visit with Tom. They told me he was very excited about my visit and really wanted to see me." Tea couldn't help adding. If they didn't already tell Blair about Pete coming out, Tea felt under no obligation to tell her.

"Well, Tea! He was not all right after you left. Now are you going to help me get him out of there?"

"Blair, calm down!" Tea's head felt like it was going to split wide open. She could not cope with Blair right now.

"Don't tell me to calm down. Do you have any idea how much Todd is suffering? I saw them do that to my mother. When I first found her they kept her in restraints. They kept her so drugged she couldn't put more than two words together. They didn't want to help her. They just wanted to keep her from being a problem."

"Blair, listen to yourself. Do you really believe that they are doing what they do to Todd to keep him from bothering them? Do you believe Viki and Sam or even Doctor Hanen would do that to Todd?"

Blair was quiet for a moment. "No . . . I don't know. I don't know what to believe. That's my child's father in there. He has no idea where Starr really is. He keeps thinking she is lost somewhere. But it's him. It's Todd. He's lost. Maybe he's lost to us forever?" Blair started to cry.

Tea started to go to her when they were both startled by Kevin coming out of the bedroom, naked from the waist up. "I want to take a shower, okay? I really feel like. . . ." The sight of Blair stopped Kevin.

Blair looked at him and then back at Tea. Shaking her head, her eyes blazing, she spat out, "No wonder you are so anxious to keep Todd locked away. You wouldn't want him cutting into your fun. Would you Chiquita? What better than to have Todd's money and have him neatly tucked away in a locked hospital unit. You get the best of both worlds that way don't you? Well Tea, I guess we all know that you can't go very long without a good fucking, but what about you Kevin? Isn't Cassie enough for you? Does my cousin know that you two are screwing around behind her back? If she doesn't she will now."

"Blair for God's sake! Nothing is going on here. Kevin and I had too much to drink and he came up here to sleep it off." Tea's words sounded hollow even to her.

"Isn't it convenient that you had a bed to offer. YOU ARE BOTH DISGUSTING!" Blair shouted. "You leave your husband in the hospital to die. And you cheat on Cassie every chance you get. Viki told me that you changed your attitude about Todd, Kevin. She said you loved Timmy. I wonder how she'll feel when she knows you are sleeping with Todd's wife while he is too helpless to fight you?"

"Blair you are making an ass of yourself. Nothing happened between Tea and I," Kevin insisted. His headache an equal match for Tea's.

"Now I know how stupid I was to come to you thinking you would help Todd. What did you do to him Tea? Did you say something to Todd to make sure he would become psychotic again? Did you find a way to guarantee that he never gets out of there? Well, you try your best Chiquita. I'll get Todd out of there and I won't need your help to do it." Blair headed for the door.

"Blair wait!" Tea called after her. It was too late, Blair was gone.

Secrets 66, Page 2