Todd was able to do something very difficult and he did it on his own. He was able to stop the cycle of abuse, just as your mother was able to. Kevin you come from very strong stock," Susannah stated. She smiled at Kevin and patted his arm.
"That's something else mom and Todd have in common," Kevin acknowledged and smiled back.
"And you Kevin. You are strong enough to admit when you are wrong. You are strong enough to love someone who hurt you very much. Kevin, I don't know if you will ever get to raise Duke, but most likely someday you will have a child to raise and if you are half as good with he or she as you are with Timmy you will be a phenomenal father."
"I second that!"
They had not realized that Viki was standing near them.
"How much of that did you hear?" Kevin asked.
"Enough," Viki answered and walked over to her eldest son and caressed his cheek. "If I haven't told you recently how much I love you and how important you are to me you really have to remind me to sometime."
"I will mom. I will," Kevin said and embraced his mother.
*****
Viki walked Kevin to the elevator. She watched as the doors closed. She had not realized that Kevin had so much fear about turning out like his grandfather or even like Peter. Viki knew her son fears were groundless. She understood why he might think he had it in him. Todd had brought out the worst in Kevin. In turn, Kevin had feelings about Todd the frightened him. Feelings he hadn't experienced before. Jealousy, the need for revenge, maybe even hatred. Now Kevin's hatred if it ever really existed, had turned to love. If not love for Todd, certainly love for Timmy. This had to be very confusing for him. Viki realized that Kevin must be questioning his capability of doing harm to someone he loves. She could understand that it might be all mixed up in his mind. She also understood that at the time Kevin was actively trying to hurt Todd he did not love him. She also knew that now Kevin would die before he would hurt Timmy or any of them again, but perhaps in Kevin's mind he feels he is still capable of hurting an innocent child. Viki still remembered the look of horror that came over Kevin's face the day he deliberately threw the football at Todd, not realizing that Timmy was not an act but a real little boy. She knew that Kevin had never forgotten that he was capable of doing such a thing. She would have to talk to Susannah and they would have to make sure that Kevin understood that he would never become like Victor or Peter.
Susannah had gone back to Todd's bed. She told Sam that Viki was saying good-bye to Kevin and she should be back soon. She then went to her office. Susannah was thinking the same thoughts about Kevin as Viki was. Kevin wasn't the only one Todd's illness was having a major impact on. Susannah was watching something amazing play out before her eyes. Because of Todd's illness his family was making some startling discoveries about themselves. They were having to face many of their own fears, and confront some painful realizations about themselves. Viki, in many ways, had to relive her own abuse. She saw herself every time she looked into Todd's eyes. She came to realize the intense love she felt for her baby brother. Viki had to come to accept that in many ways her bond with Todd was much stronger than any bond she shared with her children.
As for Sam, he had to face his guilt. He had yet come to terms with the fact that he had, indeed, failed Todd. He, the adult, had allowed this helpless child to stay with a man who tortured him, day and night. Susannah hoped Sam would learn to get past this guilt and concentrate on his current relationship with Todd. She hoped Sam would realize what a good "dad" he was to Todd now and start forgiving himself. So far Sam showed no signs of being able to do this.
The good thing that came out of Todd's illness, for Sam and Viki, was that they found each other. Susannah knew it wasn't just Todd's family that had made major discoveries about themselves in recent days. Susannah had been forced to take a good hard look at herself. Not only had Todd found a way into her heart, he had left it gaping wide open. Feelings that Susannah had buried, perhaps permanently she wondered, had now come pouring out. Her maternal feelings for Todd and the knowledge that she could have those feelings and still be a good doctor were something she never thought possible. She was beginning to realize that she could still do the right and professional thing for her patient despite those feelings.
Susannah had always been so afraid of losing that professional distance. She wondered if perhaps she had not only shortchanged her patients, but herself as well, by keeping such a tight rein on her emotions. Keeping herself emotionally distant from her patients was not the only the only way Susannah was cheating herself, she realized. She was also keeping herself emotionally distant from her life. The more she got in touch with her own feelings the more she realized she was like Todd. She had shut off parts of herself. She had shut down many emotions and not allowed herself to feel. "There would be plenty of time for this and for that," Susannah always told herself. Now she knew that time had a way of going by without our even noticing and before you know it, it's gone and along with it things you can never get back.
Susannah always told herself, like Todd, she really didn't need anyone. She had been taking care of herself since she was sixteen. She was successful and respected by her peers. She did not like to experience most of her emotions, nevertheless wear them for the world to see. Susannah was a private person. Now she had not only allowed herself to feel her emotions, but she had allowed two people to watch her feel them. First Todd, or more precisely the alters, and Bill.
A part of Susannah was still embarrassed by the fact that she had, literally, cried on Bill's shoulder. A part of her was stunned at the way she had been opening up to him and sharing all her feelings and concerns over Todd with him, not to mention telling him things about herself, her life and her past. Being able to do this gave Susannah a sense of peace she had never known. It also excited her to know that she could do this. At the same time it made her fearful of her own feelings and needs. She had always likened herself to a horse with blinders on. What needed to be done for her patients was the only path she saw. Nothing to the left and nothing to the right was allowed. Now Bill was taking her on a detour. She was not sure she could allow that or even if she wanted to allow that. She was terrified that if she thought of anything else, anything other then what to do to help Todd, she would fail him.
Of course Susannah never have wanted to fail any of her patients, but to fail Todd would not be something she could live with. This one had to be saved. He had to be healed. If it took every drop of her concentration, if she had to close off every other aspect of her life, she would cure this patient. Failure was not a word Susannah easily dealt with and she wasn't about to start with Todd.
Susannah listened to the last tape she made, the one of Andy. Why was he so convinced his mother hated him? Why was Miss Perkins uncomfortable talking about him? Why did Peter try to kill him, if that is what happened? Where was Andy now? Susannah wondered. If Miss Perkins wasn't taking care of him who was? Goodone? Carol? She did not want to think that he was alone. Andy, with his sweet playful grin and his ability to quickly get over what was upsetting him and to feel joy, was a mystery to Susannah. She knew that the next time he came out she wanted to hypnotize him. She needed to know what he was keeping buried inside. Susannah looked at her watch. It had been nearly three hours since she left Todd. She headed back to the unit he was on.
"He's been moving around a little in the past fifteen minutes or so," Sam informed Susannah.
Todd was still turned on his side, the way Kevin had left Timmy. Viki was sitting by the bed, rubbing his back. They noticed he was not moaning in his sleep as he had been. Susannah went to the nurses station to check his chart.
"Susannah," Viki called. Todd's eyes were slowly opening. "Hi," Susannah greeted him, once his eyes were fully opened.
He took a deep breath, but didn't answer. He managed to turn on his back by himself. He looked around and asked. "How come the room is different? I liked the other room better."
"Thomas?" Susannah guessed.
"Yeah. Can I go to the other room?"
"Soon honey. Tomorrow you can go back to your own room."
"How come I'm here?"
"Todd was sick and he had to stay here for a while to make sure he got the care he needed," Susannah explained slowly.
"Todd's always getting sick and hurt. He always gets everyone punished!" Thomas snapped.
"Honey, Todd wasn't punished. He just got sick," Susannah corrected him.
"Hey pal, would you like me to bring you some of your games?" Sam offered.
"I like it when you call me Boomer," he reminded Sam.
Smiling, Sam said, "Okay Boomer, why don't I go get some games."
"I want you to stay with me," Thomas insisted.
"I only have to go as far as your room for them," Sam informed Thomas.
"That's all right Sam. I'll ask one of the techs to bring down some of his things," Susannah said.
Thomas tried to sit up, but fell back down. "How come I can't sit up?" he was starting to get frightened.
"Here sweetheart," Viki soothed and helped him up as Susannah raised the back of the bed a little higher.
As best he could, Thomas pulled away from Viki and declared accusingly, "Todd's dumb ol' body is hurt again, isn't it!"
"No honey, Todd was sick, but he's getting better and soon you'll be able to move around more," Susannah explained. She then asked Thomas, "Are you in pain? Is anything hurting?"
"It never hurts. Nothing ever hurts me." There was pride in Thomas' voice.
"Your throat and chest don't hurt you at all?" Sam asked.
"Nope, nothing ever hurts." Thomas answered her and gave him a smile.
Just then a lab tech came to do a blood gas on him. They knew that this blood test hurt a lot and they prepared for a struggle.
"Honey, were going to have to do a blood test. We have to stick your wrist and it will hurt for a minute, but then it will stop."
"Okay," Thomas responded calmly. He made no move to get away. He stayed calm and quiet while the painful test was done. He watched as the needle pierced his wrist and did not even flinch.
"What a brave boy you are, Thomas," Viki praised and stroked his hair.
"Was that my blood or Todd's? Cause I'll bet mine's not sick." Thomas stated firmly.
"That was Todd's," Susannah answered and then asked, "Honey, didn't that hurt at all?"
"No I told you, nothing hurts, ever!"
Susannah knew that Todd's chest and throat still had to be pretty sore. She realized that, while for the most part a good thing, the fact that Thomas could not feel pain could be dangerous. They had to watch him very closely when he was out. He could injure himself or become sick and not know it.
"Daddy gets real mad. He knows he can't hurt me. No one can hurt me," Thomas declared matter-of-factly. He was not boasting.
They noticed that because he didn't feel the pain he was able to breath more deeply and his voice was stronger than Timmy's had been. He was very weak though.
"Is mama here?" he asked calmly.
"No honey. Mama's not here," Susannah answered gently.
"When is she coming to see me? I want to show her that I learned to ride my bicycle with no hands. I never fell once. I don't care if I do anyway."
"Because it doesn't hurt?" Susannah restated.
"Yep! Nothing can ever hurt me. I don't care if he gets mad. I don't care!" Thomas was starting to get agitated.
"It's okay honey, relax. Your dad's not here."
Thomas looked at Sam and asked, "Will you make him go away if he comes here?"
"Boomer, of course I will. I'll never let him near you." Sam swore. Guilt washed over Sam for all the times he did let Peter near him.
"I don't like the dark. Daddy knows I don't like the dark. He won't let mama keep a light on in my room at night. I'm not a wimp! I just don't like the dark." Thomas' voice was sullen.
"Thomas, of course you're not a wimp. Lot's of people don't like the dark, even grownups," Viki said, reassuringly.
"Mama likes the dark. She sits in the dark on purpose, a lot. She's real sad when she does. She cries and drinks that smelly booze stuff. Mama misses her daddy."
Thomas started to look frightened. He tried to lean forward but lacked the strength to. "I can't wake her up. Mama! Mama!" He whispered.
Thomas used all his strength to lift his arm and try to "shake mama." "Mama! Please wake up. Mama!" Thomas cried out. His voice got louder. He was still hoarse from the tube. Even though he didn't feel the pain, his throat was still tender.
Susannah sat on the bed and put her arm around him. "Thomas, honey calm down. Mama's not here."
Thomas didn't hear her. They knew he had slipped into a flashback.
"Mama I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make daddy hurt you. I won't ever touch daddy's calculator again. I just wanted to make sure my homework was okay. I didn't break it. I just touched it. I won't cry next time daddy puts me in the shed. Mama please wake up."
Thomas seemed to be reaching down to pick up a handful of something off the bed.
"Mama, are you sick? How come you have all this medicine?" Thomas asked, as he looked at the pills he saw in his wide-open palm. "Mama!" He cried out as loud as he was now physically, able to.
Susannah checked the cardiac monitor. His heart rate was elevating. He was becoming short of breath. Seeing what was happening on the monitor at the nurses station, Maggie, one of the nurses on the unit approached the bed.
Susannah ordered a milder sedative. Todd's body needed to begin moving around more and Susannah wanted to avoid putting him back to sleep so soon after he just woke up. Maggie administered the sedative through his IV.
"I'm sorry mama. Please wake up," Thomas begged. He once again lifted a weak and trembling arm to try to shake her.
"Thomas listen to me," Susannah turned his face toward hers. "Mama is okay. It's not happening now. Thomas!"
Slowly his eyes came into focus and he looked into Susannah's. "Honey, tell me where you are?"
Susannah continued to hold his face so that he was facing her. Thomas' eyes looked around. "Mama and daddy's room."
At least he could hear her. He was starting to come down from the flashback.
"No honey, you're in the hospital. Do you feel me holding you, hmmmm?" Susannah asked as she tightened her grip on his shoulder and held his face gently, so he would continue to look at her. His breathing and heart rate slowed. Some recognition came into Thomas' eyes. When he realized Susannah was holding him he squirmed away. Thomas didn't like anyone except his mother touching him.
"Mama's sick. There's so many pills." Thomas cried. Suddenly he looked up. "Daddy, mama's sick."
Susannah saw Thomas' body jerk. "What is it honey?"
"Daddy pushed me away from mama. He's gonna hurt her. He's mad. He's shaking her and hitting her face." Thomas tried to reach out with both his arms. "Daddy stop! I won't let you hurt mama." Thomas' body jerked again as he felt Peter push him away. Once again he felt himself trying to tear Peter away from Barbara.
"Honey, look at me. Look at me!" Susannah instructed.
Thomas looked at Susannah again.
"Tell me who I am?"
"Doctor Hanen," Thomas murmured. The sedative was working. Thomas was calming down. He seemed to be out of the flashback.
"Honey, you're safe in the hospital now. Whatever happened isn't happening now. You can just tell us about it. You don't have to go back there and feel it again to let us know how much it hurt. You're a good boy. You didn't do anything wrong.
"Daddy picked me up and started to shake me. He said 'don't you know what's going on here, you stupid little bastard? Your whore mother just tried to kill herself. Maybe she's already dead.'"
Sam and Viki winced as Thomas, with the help of the sedative began to tell what happened. Susannah glanced at the monitor. He was doing okay. He was calmer. Susannah decided to allow him to continue. She knew the information Thomas was giving her was invaluable.
"Daddy grabbed mama again and hit her face some more. He's was saying, 'wake up bitch, you've really gone and done it this time.' Daddy always called mama bad names. Mama was making a sound like something hurt her. Mama! Mama!" Thomas suddenly called out.
"Honey you're not back in your house. Look around." Susannah once again helped him orient. "Tell me where you are," Susannah prompted, before she let him go on.
"In the hospital, but not my real room."
"That's right honey, very good!" Susannah praised and then redirected Thomas back to what he was saying.
"I was crying for mama to get up and daddy said to shut up. He said, 'I have to call Doctor Evans.' Daddy picked me up and took me out of the bedroom." Thomas' gasped like the wind had just been knocked out of him. "Daddy threw me down! I didn't get up fast enough he closed the door and locked it. Mama! Mama!" Thomas' cried out, hoarsely. Then he started to quiet down on his own. Some tears slowly made their way down his cheeks. He looked helplessly into Susannah's eyes and cried, "I didn't hurt daddy's calculator. I just wanted to check my homework."
"Honey, it wasn't your fault. Your daddy was a grown man and whatever he did on his own. It was never because of you," Susannah explained firmly.
"I made daddy mad and he had to punish me. Daddy can't hurt me, so he has to put me in the shed. Mama tried to stop him and he hit her a lot. Now mama's real sick and killed because of me," Thomas continued to weep. He hung his head down. He hated himself for causing his mama to get hurt.
"Noooo, honey, listen to me." Susannah lifted his face towards hers by gently placing one finger under Thomas' chin. He seemed to tolerate this light touch. "It was your daddy who made mama feel sick, not you. Your daddy made her very sad and that's why she tried to hurt herself."
"Mama promised she'd take me with her if she went away. If she goes to heaven to be with Grandpa Tom I wanna go too. She promised to take me with her." They all heard the feelings of betrayal in Thomas' voice.
"Honey, your mama didn't want to leave you. She was sad and sometimes it hurts to be sad. She thought taking all those pills would make it stop hurting, but it didn't because hurting yourself never makes the pain go away."
Mama didn't go to heaven. Doctor Evans fixed mama. I'm glad mama didn't go without me. "I love mama. I don't want her to ever go away without me." Thomas' eyelids were getting heavy. The sedative was making him very sleepy.
"Honey, I think you need to lay down now and sleep a little, okay?" Susannah stated more than asked.
Thomas didn't protest. He lay back down. Thomas looked up at Sam and asked, "will you protect mama so daddy don't hurt her?" He looked at Sam and asked. "Will you protect Mama so she don't get hurt?"
"You bet I will Boomer," Sam promised. He stroked Thomas' head. Thomas didn't seem to have as much of a problem with Sam touching him.
Thomas yawned. His breathing was starting to slow down. Still looking into Sam's eyes Thomas asked, "Will you protect Viki and Doctor Hanen too? When daddy gets mad he hurts everybody."
"I'll be right here Boomer. I won't let your daddy come near any of you. You rest now."
"Okay," Thomas replied, yawning again. Thomas was able to turn on his side by himself. He saw Viki standing by his bed. He looked up at her. "Don't worry. We won't let daddy hurt you," Thomas whispered.
"I know sweetheart, I know," Viki said. She wanted to hug him, but she knew he wouldn't like that. She just smiled at him.
Thomas smiled back and closed his eyes. He finally fell asleep.
