Sam finally decided to let Viki sleep and face her wrath in the morning.

*****

"HOW DARE YOU! HOW DARE YOU, SAM!" Viki shouted at Sam as she quickly pulled clothes out of the closet and out of some draws. "MY BROTHER ALMOST DIED LAST NIGHT. HE'S IN INTENSIVE CARE. AND YOU CHOOSE NOT TO TELL ME!"

"Viki, by the time Susannah called it was over. Todd was okay. He was unconscious. There was nothing either of us could have done for him. You needed the rest." Sam tried to get her to understand the choice he made.

Viki's voice lowered. It was still seething with anger, "He still would have known we were there. If something had happened to him again he would have been without his family. I know he's not your blood, but I thought you loved him!" Viki saw by the look on Sam's face that she had really hurt him. For a minute her anger dissipated. "Sam, I didn't mean it like that. I know you love Todd as if he were your child."

"I do and that is why I want to keep you healthy for him," Sam declared and looked Viki in the eye.

"Sam, I appreciate your concern and Susannah's concern, but I am fine. The truth is you both know I did this to Todd. He would not have nearly died last night if I had lied to him and allowed him to think I was his mother. So apparently my love hurts him. He may never get over what I did to him," Viki's voice was void of emotion.

"Viki, Susannah said Todd's potassium was to high and that may have caused this. What you did is try to comfort your child. No one could hold that against you. I wonder if perhaps we should have allowed him to continue to believe that for a while, at least until he's stronger."

"No Sam. Susannah is right. Todd cannot be allowed to believe a lie. He has to come to terms with what his mother did to him. He will never heal otherwise. Her love was abusive as surely as Peter's was. Todd cannot admit that. He needs to think of her as his savior. He needs to see her as the 'good mother' he wanted. Now, let me get dressed and let's get to the hospital. I'm not sure if I should see him, but I want to be there, close to him."

Todd was still asleep when Sam and Viki got there. Susannah was in her office. She had spent the night there. Bill had stayed with her for two more hours. He had watched Susannah as she sat by Todd's bed, occasionally stroking his head and keeping and eye on every piece of equipment attached to him. It was as if she intended to personally fight death if it dared to approach Todd again. Todd was completely still. The only movement was his chest, as the ventilator caused it to rise and fall.

"He should be coming off of it by tomorrow," Susannah had commented when she noticed Bill watching Todd breathe.

"Is he still in danger?" Bill asked her.

"It seems that Todd is always in danger, but in specific danger because of the bradycardia, no. I think the medication is taking care of the immediate problems. Todd is an amazing contradiction of an overwhelming desire to die and one of the strongest desires to survive I have ever seen. He is in constant battle with himself, in more ways than one," Susannah replied.

"I have to say, I don't know how he did survive his childhood. I can't even imagine any of my kids going through any one of the traumas Todd went through, never mind all of them. You know even if the DA were to try to pull something, no judge would ever send this boy to jail the way he is now," Bill stated.

"No, they would have him committed to an institution for the rest of his life. I would never allow that to happen to him. Todd is in therapy by a court order, but not hospitalized because of one. Viki can take him out of here any time she chooses. I want it kept that way. I don't want strangers making decisions for him. Do you have any idea how it kills Sam and Viki to leave him here? At first, we thought he would be here for just a few weeks. It has been over six months. When I first met Todd he was all right physically. He was sleep deprived and on the thin side. I had no idea as to extent of his illness. He is sicker, by far, than anyone I have ever treated before. He has shown very few signs of improving mentally, and his physical health has rapidly gone down hill. Do you know that, physically, he was well enough to go home for a few days at Christmas time?"

Bill just shook his head. He realized how much Susannah needed to talk about her patient. He gave her silent support and allowed her to continue. He knew she needed to talk about this.

"He was," Susannah went on, "he was home for four days and he was the happiest I'd seen him. It wasn't Todd who was out. It was Timmy and Tom. They were so happy to be home and to be with Sam and Viki. They were eating and running around and playing. Can you imagine him being able to run now? He can hardly sit up without assistance. When the children come out it is so hard for them to understand why they feel so bad. Todd can't even understand it. When he thought he was talking to his mother he admitted how scared he was about being sick and about not being able to walk on his own . . . ."

Susannah stopped. She took a deep breath and wiped a tear from her eye and continued. "And how scared he was about being in pain. God Bill, sometimes I just want to tell Sam and Viki to take him home and let the children play in the sunshine. Sometimes I wish I could erase every memory from his brain and the feelings that go along with them. I wish I could stop trying to get him to come to terms with what happened to him and just let him be. Still think I'm completely professional?"

It was a relief for Susannah to say this to someone. It would have been unprofessional of her to tell Sam and Viki how she was feeling. She never felt comfortable enough to tell Larry Wolek these things and she certainly couldn't go to her sister with this. Perhaps it was exhaustion, but now, for the first time, Susannah said out loud everything she had been thinking.

"Have you ever acted on those feelings?" Bill inquired.

"No," Susannah answered.

"Do you believe you will act on them?" Bill pressed.

"No," she answered again.

"Then even you, Susannah, are allowed to have feelings and thoughts that don't meet your criteria for the perfect doctor," Bill stated firmly.

Tears came to Susannah's eyes. She knew it was because she was giving herself permission to feel and giving herself permission to be human with all the frailties that it involved.

"I'm fine. Why don't you go home and get some sleep?" Susannah suggested.

"Are you going to be sitting here all night?"

Susannah realized Bill noticed how competent the ICU staff was. He watched as they checked on every aspect of Todd's care. Susannah knew that Bill realized that she did not need to be there to insure Todd get the care he needed.

"I'll be going to my office a little later. I can sleep there. I've done it before. It's reasonably comfortable," she proclaimed, almost defensively.

"Do you need anything?" Bill asked.

"A miracle," Susannah responded as she tenderly stroked Todd's head.

"Those, Doctor Hanen, I'm afraid I'm fresh out of," Bill replied sadly.

"Bill, I won't be here much longer. I'll be getting some sleep soon. Why don't I call you tomorrow and let you know how Todd is doing?"

"Sure, and maybe you can even tell me how you are doing?" Bill joked gently. Bill looked down at Todd. He stroked Todd's head and said to him, "You take care Todd. You have a lot of people pulling for you." Bill then looked at Susannah and added, "You too. Don't forget that." Bill left the hospital. He was worried about Susannah. He was worried about all of them. He felt like he was watching a family disintegrate before his eyes.

For Susannah, going to her office "soon" turned out to be three hours later. Finally, not able to keep her eyes open any longer, Susannah headed back to her office a little after four in the morning. She awoke with a start at six and called the ICU. She was told that Todd was stable. His blood pressure had continued to rise, as did his heart rate. He was still in a deep sleep. Susannah showered and changed into scrubs. She was making some notes at her desk when, without knocking, Viki frantically entered her office, followed by Sam.

"How is he?" Viki asked.

"He's stable. His pressure is just a little lower than it usually is. Please don't be afraid. He's doing much better," Susannah tried to calm Viki.

Don't be afraid! He almost died!" Viki declared. She was still very upset.

"Viki, I promise you Todd is not in danger now. He should be awake in a few hours and I would like for you to be there for him."

"I would have liked to have been there for him last night, but you and Sam decided for me that I needed to stay home and sleep! How could you do that to me Susannah! Are you so afraid that I will hurt Todd again that you wanted to keep me away from him!"

"No, of course not. I just told you I want you there when he wakes up. Viki, Todd's bradycardia was most likely caused by an electrolyte imbalance," Susannah tried to explain.

"So you're saying that what happened yesterday had absolutely no bearing on Todd's current condition?" Viki pressed.

"No, I'm not saying that," Susannah admitted. She showed enough respect for Viki to be honest with her.

"I didn't think so," a still angry Viki said.

"I'm saying that there are probably many underlying factors that contributed to what happened to Todd. His emotional state just being one of them," Susannah explained further.

"I don't appreciate being treated like a child by either of you," Viki snapped.

"No one was treating you like a child. Viki, Todd has not been conscious since you heard him screaming yesterday. He will need both you and Sam when he wakes up. There was no point in you being awake all night just to watch him sleep," Susannah continued trying to get Viki to understand.

"Isn't that what you did?" Viki knew Susannah well.

"I'm his doctor Viki," Susannah proclaimed. However Susannah realized that once Todd was in ICU he really had no more need for her than for Viki and Sam. "Viki I'm sorry," Susannah began, "maybe you weren't the only one who's judgment was a little clouded yesterday. You should have been told about Todd and given the option of coming here or not. I suggested to Sam that he should let you sleep so please don't blame him."

Viki accepted Susannah's apology. She still did not completely believe that they trusted her around Todd. "I want to see him. Maybe he doesn't want to see me? Not after what I did to him?" Viki stated anxiously.

"Viki, Todd needs you. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable around him or to be fearful of upsetting him. He will pick up on that and become more fearful in return," Susannah said firmly.

"Do you think he has any memory of what happened to him last night?" Sam asked.

"No, he was already heavily sedated. He would have no conscious memory of it."

"Are there any lasting effects from what happened," Viki inquired fearfully.

"We will be sending him for an echocardiogram. I don't believe there is any permanent damage. His chest will be tender from the compressions and the defibrillator and his throat will be sore because he's intubated," Susannah answered.

"Every time he wakes up things just get worse for him. There's always more pain, more suffering. It's no wonder he doesn't want to wake up," Viki acknowledged as tears formed in her eyes.

"Can we see him?" Sam asked impatiently.

"Of course," Susannah replied.

Viki and Sam and Susannah walked into the ICU. Todd's bed was the third from the door. Several doctors were around him. Sam and Viki became afraid.

"It's all right. The shift is changing and the morning staff is just getting up to speed," Susannah assured them.

Susannah walked over to doctors and asked how he was doing.

"He's been stable. BP's come up nicely, one hundred over sixty-five. I see his usual is one hundred and ten over seventy," one of the doctors observed.

"Yeah, he always runs a little low," Susannah informed them.

"No arrhythmias," the doctor continued, "his heart rate has been stable at 70. We're keeping him on dopamine."

"Has he showed any signs of coming to?" Susannah asked.

"No, just as well. We're not ready to get him off the ventilator yet. We're going to start weaning him soon. His temp is a little low, ninety-seven point eight.

"He tends to run a little low. We usually keep his room at about eighty degrees," Susannah informed him.

"Wow, it must be uncomfortable for everyone else in there," the doctor exclaimed.

"We're used to it," Susannah responded and then asked, "his family wants to sit with him. Any problem with that?"

"No, that's fine," the doctor agreed.

As the staff moved on to the next bed, Viki and Sam were able to see Todd. A shiver ran down Viki's spine and she shuddered. The memory of the last time Todd was in ICU came back to her.

"It's not the same. He's okay this time," Sam quickly reassured her. He knew what she was remembering because exactly the same memories flashed through Sam's mind.

They approached Todd's bed slowly. Viki bent down and kissed his forehead. "Sweetheart I'm so sorry. Todd can you ever forgive me?" Viki murmured.

Both Sam and Susannah knew better than to tell Viki there was nothing to forgive. They knew she was not ready to hear that.

Sam noticed Todd was still in wrist restraints. "Why is he still tied down?"

"If he should wake suddenly he might try to pull out the breathing tube and the IV's," Susannah explained.

"He'll be scared to death with that thing down his throat. Last time it was out way before he ever woke up," Sam pointed out. He was very afraid for Todd. "The tube will be gone later today. They are weaning him off of it now," Susannah informed them.

"Susannah," Viki got her attention and pointed to Todd's left hand. They noticed his fingers were moving slightly.

Susannah knew Todd was starting to wake up much sooner than she had predicted. Then again, Todd never did do the predictable. "Todd. Todd. It's Doctor Hanen. Todd can you hear me?"

Todd was with Goodone. He felt no pain. He wasn't afraid or cold. As he snuggled in Goodone's arms he had no need for mama or for anyone other than Goodone. In the safety of his hiding place and his papa's arms Todd was not attached to any equipment and he was safe.

Tom felt himself being drawn forward and propelled through the tunnel. He did not want to go there. He wanted to stay with Miss Perkins. He did not want to go towards the pain. Tom had no choice. At first his eyes opened slowly. Within seconds the pain in chest and throat registered. He tried to call out but could not make a sound. He felt like he was choking. His eyes were now wide opened with pain and fear. Silent tears fell from them.

"Todd?" Susannah asked. Although she was reasonably sure this wasn't Todd.

Tom's vision was foggy. He saw everyone, but they looked as if they were in a cloud. He tried to reach out to Sam and realized he couldn't lift his arm. Something was holding it down. He tried his other arm, but that one to could not be lifted. Tom's fears quickly turned to panic. He was too weak to move much but they could see the terror in his eyes.

"Timmy?" Susannah tried.

The monitors started showing signs of his stress.

"Tom?" Susannah finally guessed.

Tom used every bit of strength he had to nod.

"Tom it's all right. You're safe. There's a tube in your throat and that's why you can't talk. We will be taking it out a little later. I know it hurts and it's uncomfortable, but try not to fight it. Honey, I know your chest hurts. Todd's heart got a little sick and we had to fix it by pressing down on it, so that's why your chest is hurting. It will go away soon." Susannah tried her best to keep him calm and allay his fears.

Tom's tears increased.

"Boomer it's Sam. We're all here with you. There's nothing to be afraid of." Sam spoke soothingly and stroked Tom's head.

Viki took his hand. "Sweetheart, you'll soon be back in your own room. We won't leave you. I promise baby. We won't leave you."

Seeing Tom was awake, several of the doctors making rounds in the ICU came back to his bed.

"Todd, I'm just going to shine this light in your eyes. It won't hurt. One of the doctors said as he held Tom's head still by the forehead.

"He needs to be sedated again. This is a seven year old we're dealing with," Susannah alerted them.

An order for a sedative and analgesic were given.

They could see the panic of this waking nightmare in Tom's eyes. "Honey try to relax. It will stop hurting in a minute," Susannah promised, as she stroked his head.

Tom was terrified. He could not grasp what they were saying to him. He suddenly felt Peter's finger and knuckle pressing against his throat, cutting off his air and his voice. He felt the pain of Peter's cigarettes and they burned his chest. He could not understand why they were letting Peter hurt him. As the sedative hit he tried to call and reach out one more time.