Sam took her in his arms and held her. He wanted her to know she wasn't alone in feeling guilt. "Todd also said he knew I wouldn't protect Starr, that I would let her go back to him, to the voice and I would let him hurt her. God Viki! You think you failed him because you went home for a couple of hours? I failed him all his life. He's right. I didn't protect him. I did send him home. I sent him home to be beaten and burned and raped over and over and over again. I sent him home," Sam broke down in tears. He and Viki held on to each other tightly, each trying to comfort the other while drowning in their own feelings of guilt.

*****

Todd slept on and off for nearly forty-eight hours. The many revelations the alters had made took their toll on Todd's body. Susannah gave orders to allow him to sleep. He stirred occasionally. It seemed to be Todd, but they weren't sure. He was addressed as Todd. Susannah had removed the restraints after a few hours. At one point Todd awoke during a feeding. He tried to push Terry's hand away as she instilled the Osmolyte in the tube.

"Please, just let me die, please," Todd murmured softly.

Susannah was near his bed and held his hands down. He was far too weak to require restraints again. "Shhhh, Todd everything all right. Just relax," Susannah whispered to him. He fell back asleep.

Both Viki and Sam stayed with him through most of the day and night. They only went home to shower and change clothes. Viki brought back clothes with her. She would shower at the hospital. She did not even want to be away for the time a shower took. Viki vowed not to leave Todd again. Susannah and Sam were worried about her. Logically, Viki knew that she could not be expected to be with Todd twenty-four hours a day. Nevertheless, her heart said something else. Viki remembered how she felt after Kevin had been in that fire. She was worried to death about him. This was different. None of her children had ever been as vulnerable as Todd was. Sometimes, for the moment, Viki would forget that Todd was her brother and not her child. Her heart just burst with love at the thought of him. She only wished he could feel and experience that love. The children allowed themselves to feel it, not Todd. She knew he felt he didn't deserve love and no matter how many ways love was showed to him he could not feel it.

The day after Todd and the others had been out Kevin showed up. He was worried about Viki. She looked so tired.

"Kevin, sweetheart, I'm sorry I should have called you. I didn't think it would be a good idea for you to see him. Todd was switching all day yesterday and Susannah had sessions with several alters. Todd came out at the end of the day and became disoriented and delusional. He was upset because I wasn't here and then one thing led to another. He thought one of the voices he hears was going to hurt Starr. He thought I would be gone forever. He was starting to hurt himself. Susannah had to restrain and sedated him."

"Is he still in restraints?" Kevin asked. He hated what was happening to Todd.

"No, he became very weak. It was all too much for him. He's been sleeping on his own. He can hardly lift his head. He doesn't need restraints."

"Mom have you been here the whole time?" Kevin was worried sick for his mother.

"I've gone home to change," Viki said defensively. She knew Kevin was worrying about her.

"Mom you look a little tired," Kevin observed.

"Well, I am. Just a little," Viki admitted. "Sam and I take turns sleeping in the lounge and we have a reclining chair in Todd's room that we can sleep in."

"Mom, I can stay with Todd if you or Sam need a break," Kevin volunteered.

"Oh honey thank you," Viki shook her head. "I don't think that would be a good idea. As I told you, Todd has been out and I think finding you with him would upset him. Honey, I'm sorry. I know you have worked out your feelings for Todd. The thing is . . . Kevin; Todd has no knowledge of that. As far as Todd knows you and he are far from friends."

"Maybe that should change?" Kevin suggested.

"What do you mean?" Viki didn't know what he was getting at.

"I mean maybe someone should tell Todd that he can count on me, that I want to help him."

"Kevin, I don't know if Todd would believe that. You know how . . ."

"Paranoid he is, about me," Kevin finished Viki's sentence. He said it without sarcasm or anger. It was just a simple fact. Seeing the look on Viki's face Kevin added, "Mom look, I know he had reason to be, to some extent. I know I was way off on the way I treated him during the whole Georgie mess. I was out to get him. I know his feelings about that weren't paranoia."

Kevin looked down at his lap. Viki saw a tear slide down his cheek.

"Honey?" Viki saw something was torturing Kevin. "Kevin, what is it? Please sweetheart, you can tell me," Viki encouraged him.

Kevin didn't want to add to his mother's burden but he couldn't keep it inside anymore. "Mom, ever since I found out about Michelle I can't stop thinking about how I must have made him feel, accusing him of Georgie's murder that way. That was really the catalyst for this whole thing, wasn't it? That was why he took us hostage. That was why he went to the cabana. That was why he broke. God! Mom, I'm so sorry. If I had it to do over again I never would have gone after him that way. I never would have . . ."

Viki could see how this was tearing Kevin apart. "Kevin, I'm not going to tell you that being accused of killing Georgie didn't have an effect on Todd. Honey it wasn't just that. It was so many things. No one could have a life like Todd had and remain unscathed. Todd has really been 'breaking' his entire life. He was already severely damaged when he came to this town. I should have tried harder to persuade him to get help over the years," Viki sorrowfully admitted.

"What I don't understand is how all these alters could have been around and we didn't know," Kevin stated.

"Kevin think about it. If we had been looking for it we would have seen it. Todd's mood swings, the childish way he would act at times, the violence, then the goodness, his fear of intimacy, his inability to sustain a relationship with anyone except Starr. Oh Kevin, the list goes on and on," Viki lamented.

"But how did he function? How did he live with it?" Kevin wanted to understand.

"Todd never knew differently. This was something that has always been a part of his life. When he was very young he thought it happened to everyone. By the time he realized it didn't he was too afraid and embarrassed to tell anyone. He learned to cover up. He covered up loosing time. He covered up the times he heard voices. Many of the alters were dormant for long stretches at a time. The ones who were present became proficient at pretending to be Todd. People would notice little differences, I'm sure, as we had. They just wrote it off as Todd being Todd. Everyone . . . from Todd's grammar school teachers to the people who work for him at the Sun. . . everyone in Llanview knew Todd needed help."

Viki paused to wipe a tear from her eye. Kevin held her hand as she continued. "We all knew he had emotional problems. None of us knew how severe they were or how ill Todd really was. Tea and Blair didn't even know and they lived with him. Sweetheart when you have DID you became a master of covering up and making excuses. You can wake up to find yourself in a room of strangers, in a strange city, and leave everyone thinking you never missed a beat, but inside your heart is pounding. You are silently screaming out it terror. Kevin you can't, and thank God you can't, imagine what that feels like."

"I can see why Todd is closest to your heart of all your children," Kevin said without the slightest bit of jealousy or resentment. "It's okay mom. He gets to you. I can understand that now. He gets to me too."

Viki hugged her eldest son and held him for several minutes. "I love you so much and I am so proud of you," Viki looked deeply into Kevin's eyes as she said this.

"I love you too mom," Kevin was slightly embarrassed by his mother's praise. He didn't feel he deserved it. "Is there anything I can get for you or Sam or Todd?" Kevin offered.

"No sweetheart. We're fine," Viki replied. She stroked Kevin's his cheek.

Kevin looked at Viki as if he wanted to say more. Instead he stood and started to leave. He turned back and asked, "Promise me you'll get some rest?"

"I promise," Viki answered. This time love and pride in her eldest son caused the tears in her eyes.

By the morning of the third day since Todd had been restrained and sedated he still showed no signs of being fully alert. His sleep had become more fitful and he was crying out more. He would wake for a while. However he was not responsive to questions. He would feel the bed under him or listen to someone speak to him and he appear to be aware of his surroundings for a few minutes. Then his eyes would become blank. It was as if every time he went inside his head something forced him back and every time he came back he tried to go away. Susannah knew the part of him that wanted help and wanted the comfort of Viki and Sam was wrestling with the part that wanted to escape to Goodone's comfort.

Susannah asked Frank and Jeff to try to get Todd to the bathroom today to wash and dress him. Todd had been bathed in bed and put in a gown the past couple of days.

"Todd, Jeff and Frank are going to help you wash in the bathroom this morning. Then they're going to get you dressed. I want you to sit in the chair. If you're up to it later we can go to my office."

Todd didn't respond but he didn't resist either. Todd was too weak to stand on his own. Jeff and Frank helped him to stand while Nancy cleaned him up. Then they dressed him. Sam had gone home to change and to take care of some business. Viki stayed with Todd. After Todd had been put in the chair Viki gently blotted his hair with the towel and brushed the tangles out. She spoke softly and soothingly to him as she worked. "There's my handsome boy," Viki commented as she pushed his hair back behind his ears. She lifted his face towards hers and kissed his forehead.

Todd lifted his hand and put it on Viki's. "Mama, can I brush your hair later, after daddy leaves? You have such pretty hair."

Viki looked at him closely. It was Todd's voice but the childish tone and the question was more one that Timmy or one of the children would ask. "Sweetheart, it's Viki."

There was no recognition in his eyes. They once again became blank. Terry came in for his morning feeding. She was always a little apprehensive during the feedings because they took about an hour and she never knew when Todd or one of the alters might start resisting. "Okay Todd, I have your breakfast here. Just relax. You know this doesn't hurt," Terry spoke soothingly.

Todd had been in his own world for about the first thirty minutes of his feeding. Suddenly he pulled his knees to his chest and buried his head in them.

"Todd, come on hon. You have to hold your head up." Terry lifted his head. As soon as she let go he pulled into a cocoon again. Terry called Frank in.

"Todd, I'm going to help you hold your head up so we can continue your feeding, " Frank told Todd.

"No feed. I bad."

Viki, Terry and Frank exchanged looks. This voice sounded very young, younger than Timmy. Terry called Susannah and told her she thought another alter had come out.

"Can you tell us your name?" Viki prompted.

"No name." He looked around the room and at each of them.

"Can you tell us how old you are, hon?" Terry asked.

"Don't know," he answered as he played with his fingers.

Susannah came in. Terry filled her in on what he said so far.

"Hi, my name is Susannah Hanen. I'm your doctor. Do you have a name?"

"Don't know. I bad. No food. No toy. No mommy." His face scrunched up as if he were about to cry.

"Did someone take away your food and toys and your mommy?" Susannah inquired.

He nodded.

"Do you know Todd?" Susannah asked.

"No." He shook his head.

"Do you know Timmy or Miss Perkins?" Susannah tried.

He shook his head again.

"Do you know Goodone or Carol?"

Once again he shook his head.

This very young alter didn't seem to belong to any part of Todd's system that was known to them. "Will you do something for me if I ask?" Susannah spoke gently.

He shrugged his shoulders.

"Will you hold your head up so Terry can finish feeding you?"

He shook his head violently. "No feed! I bad! Bad boy! I bad!"

"Honey, who told you're bad?" Susannah pressed.

"The man."

"Your daddy?" Susannah wanted to be sure.

He shrugged his shoulders again. He then said, "No daddy. No mommy. No food. No toy. No cwothes. No banky. Cowd. All cowd." He wrapped his arms around himself. Tears started to come to his eyes.

"Honey what is it? What's the matter?" Susannah asked tenderly.

"No wawa. I want dwink."

"Frank, will you please bring him a cup of water?" Susannah instructed. She handed him the cup. "Here's some water, honey."

"No dwink! I bad. I pee. No dwink no more.

"Sweetheart it's okay. You can drink. If you have to pee we can take you to the bathroom," Susannah assured him.

"No! Door wock. Dark. Cowd. No mommy. No mommy." Tears started down his cheeks.

"What?" They knew Todd was back.

"Todd, it's Doctor Hanen. You're safe. You're in your room and you're sitting in a chair."

Todd reached out and called for Viki.

"Sweetheart I'm right here." Viki moved closer to him.

He felt Viki standing next to him and held her tightly, around the waist, his face pressed against her stomach.

Viki rubbed his back and soothed, "It's all right Todd. It's all right. I'm here. I'm not going to leave you."

"Mama," Todd mouthed, over and over again. No sound came out of his mouth. Suddenly he let go of Viki. He had a stunned look on his face. "NO! NO! I don't want to be here. NOOOOO!" he screamed.

"Todd, Todd! Where are you? Where is it you don't want to be?" Susannah pushed for information.

"Help me! Oh God! I don't want to be here. Help me!" Todd whimpered.

"Todd you have to tell us where you are so we can help you back. Where are you, Todd?" Susannah pressed.

"It's cold. It's dark." He looked down as if he were seeing his body. Where are my clothes?" He cried out. Todd covered himself with his hands. "I'm so thirsty," he whimpered, hoarsely.

Susannah held the cup of water to his lips but he wouldn't drink.

"I can't. I'm not supposed to. Mama doesn't know," he whispered.

"Mama doesn't know what?" Susannah asked.

"She doesn't know I'm here. She thinks they took me."

"Who does she think took you?" Susannah didn't understand.

"OOOOOOOH!" Todd screamed, "I felt it crawl on me."

"What crawled on you?" Susannah saw fear in his eyes.

"I want my clothes. I'm so cold." Todd started shaking. His teeth were chattering.

Susannah felt his face and neck. His skin was getting colder. She grabbed a blanket from the bed and tucked it around him.

"Mama can't hear me. She doesn't know I'm here. I'll be here forever. It's dark. It's cold. I'm thirsty. NOOOOOO!" He screeched, throwing his head back. Todd tried to stand up. He fell back down to the chair. "No," he whispered pulled his knees to his chest and buried his head in them again.

Susannah gently lifted his head up by the chin. His eyes were once again blank. She didn't try to get him back. She knew he had enough for now.

Frank held Todd's head up and Terry completed the feeding. There was no resistance.

Frank stayed with him. Viki went to Susannah's office with her.

"That was Todd, wasn't it? That was Todd remembering being in a cold dark place?" Viki thought so. She wanted to make sure.

"Yes, I believe that was Todd," Susannah replied.

"The alter who was out right before him. He seemed to have spoken about the same place. Todd acted as if he were naked. He seemed to have the alter's memory," Viki stated.

"Yes, I know," Susannah confirmed. A small smile appeared on her lips.

"What? Why are you smiling?" Viki was confused.

"Viki, don't you realize what just happened?"

Viki stared at Susannah, not sure what she was getting at.

"Todd made a connection to an alter's memory. He didn't have an actual memory of it, but he remembered pieces. For once he connected what he was feeling to fragments of a memory," Susannah explained.

"That's good isn't it?" Viki asked, daring to bring a slight smile to her own face.

"Yes, that is good," Susannah confirmed. She took Viki's hand. "It is just a tiny step, and if I know Todd he will take twenty steps backwards, but it is a step." Susannah's smile got bigger when she saw the hope grow in Viki's eyes.

"What about that alter? He seemed very young, even younger than Timmy does. I thought Todd's first split happened with Timmy?" Viki declared.

"I think this alter might be a fragmented alter. He doesn't seem to have a real identity. He may have split off because of the traumas they've been through," Susannah guessed.

"You do think that the memory Todd was having was of being in the same place as the child we spoke with?" Viki still wasn't sure.

"Oh yes. I am reasonably certain about that. Our boy had a memory," Susannah exclaimed, still smiling at Viki and looking like a mother talking about her child's first words.

Secrets 50, Page 2