"Where's Kevin?" Is he coming to see me?" They heard Timmy ask.

*****

Timmy literally jumped for joy when Viki told him that Kevin would be coming to see him a little later. Terry came in with the Osmolyte nutritional substitute. Timmy panicked at first. Sam sat near the headboard and held Timmy securely. He spoke comfortingly to him while Terry started the Osmolyte. Once Timmy realized it didn't hurt and he couldn't taste it, he calmed down.

"I can feel it going down. It tickles," Timmy told Sam but didn't try to pull away.

Sam told Timmy a story while the feeding proceeded and Timmy fell asleep before the either the story or the feeding were finished. When the feeding was done Sam carefully stood up and laid Timmy on the bed. A little later, when Frank and Jeff came in, Susannah told them to let Timmy sleep and to wash and dress him later. Jeff stayed with Timmy and Susannah asked Viki and Sam to come to her office to discuss the latest developments.

"Dear Lord Susannah, six more of them. Two sets of twins and a . . . a what . . . a father?" Viki tried to find the words. She couldn't fathom what she had just witnessed.

"Do you think this means he's getting worse?" Sam asked nervously.

"No. Sam, these alters have probably been with Todd all along. Goodone is most likely, whom Todd is with when he's hiding . . . how much do either of you know about Todd going to a summer house to find his mother?" This had been preying on Susannah's mind ever since the twins came out earlier that day.

Viki began to tell Susannah all she knew. "Several years ago Todd escaped from prison and took a young girl, Rebecca Lewis, hostage. He took her to a summerhouse in the woods in upstate New York. As far as I know this house belonged to Charles Heath, Todd's stepfather. It seems Todd ran away from summer camp and took a bus. Then he walked for miles and miles through the woods until he found the house. His mother kept him for a few days and then sent him back to Peter. That was the last time Todd saw her. Or at least that was the last time Todd remembers seeing her. The next time was probably when Jimmy saw her at the house in Chicago." Viki paused to wipe away the tears that had filled her eyes.

"Viki, I know this is difficult for you. Do you need a few minutes?" Susannah offered.

"No. Thank you. I'm fine. I want to make sure you know what you need to know," Viki insisted and continued. "Bo was the one who filled me in on all this. He and Powell Lord went out there to rescue Rebecca. Todd begged Rebecca to shoot him. She refused. He was about to kill himself and Rebecca when Bo and Powell showed up. Todd and Bo struggled with the gun. Todd was shot. He deliberately threw himself into the river and was presumed dead." Viki had stopped crying as she finished. Her trembling hands gave away her anguish.

Sam and Susannah shook their heads. "Has there been one minute of his life when he wasn't suffering?" Sam asked, rhetorically.

"Todd has never spoken to me about this," Viki informed Susannah.

"Sam, has Todd ever spoken with you about it?" Susannah inquired.

"No, never. This is the first I've heard about it," Sam replied. Sam felt guilt wash over him. "I should have known about it. I should have been there for him," Sam thought.

"I remember reading about Todd's capture in Western New York but I don't recall any mention of it being in his stepfather's house," Susannah thought out loud.

Susannah sat back in her chair and thought back on all she had learned from the alters. She theorized out loud for Sam and Viki's benefit. "So from what the twins and Goodone said, I believe that Todd thought if he found his mother he would be safe and she would keep him forever."

"And she turned him away and sent him back to Peter," Sam stated bitterly.

"Todd must have been devastated," Viki declared and then added, "I know Barbara was horribly abused herself. I can only imagine the terror she felt. But my God! She had her second husband with her at this point. How in God's name could she have told that child that while she wasn't brave enough to go back to Peter he was? How could she send him back to the torture she knew he was being subjected to?"

Viki started to weep as she continued trying to understand how a mother could do what Barbara Manning did. "I don't understand how she could live with herself knowing she escaped but her child was still there? How could she tell him she wouldn't keep him? How could she look into those eyes and tell him that!"

"Viki, I don't know. From the things Todd and the others told me I could only guess that Barbara was mentally ill herself. Then the years of abuse took their toll. She may never have been a strong person. She put up with years of abuse before they adopted Todd. From the things Andy said Barbara might have also had a dissociative disorder herself. I do know that Todd had to have been severely traumatized to have split into at least four more alters on that day. Todd must have realized his last chance to safety had vanished. He probably also realized his mother's love had limits. One of the twins, Scared I believe, said, 'it's cause he don't want us to. No one wants to be our daddy.' I suspect he was referring to his stepfather. Sometimes I am in awe of Todd. I have spent my career working with DID patients. Most of them have lived through things no one should ever have to live through . . . but Todd . . . I have to admit, I don't know how he survived," Susannah confessed sadly.

"What must it be like in there, in that mind? What does this make . . . eighteen alters that we know of so far? How can anyone exist like that?" Sam stated more than asked.

"Todd was a child with a brilliant, creative mind," Susannah explained, "for whom virtually every waking and sleeping moment was filled with terror and pain. He was a child who had absolutely no one in his corner and no one to turn to, except in his own mind. In his mind he had Goodone and Miss Perkins and Carol. He had his hiding place. The one safe place he could go to while the other children felt the pain that was intended for him. No one could have lived Todd's life without some kind of escape and not gone completely insane or died. Todd saved himself, when there was no one to save him. He loved himself when he had no one to love him. Did you notice the way Todd held himself when Braver was comforting Scared? That is a positive thing. That is the second incident of self-soothing I have witnessed. Todd has learned to comfort himself from within his system. He has always been able to hear some of the alters. That is also a positive thing. I am hoping, eventually, Todd will be able to communicate with all the alters."

"Susannah, Todd is terrified when he hears the alters. He will do anything to stop the noise in his head. He usually dissociates because he hears them. How would hearing them be beneficial to him?" Sam asked.

"Eventually he has to learn to communicate with them in order to control them. They will always be a part of Todd. Right now they are in control. Some of them are not actively controlling Todd. For instance, some of them don't try to come out. They don't really have the control over it. Some of them do force their way out. Some use intimidation. They make Todd's head hurt or shout at him. Todd has to learn to control all of them. He has to learn how to accept his feelings and not dissociate. He has to remember the memories that go with those feelings." Susannah explained for clarity.

"Todd doesn't seem to be any closer to doing that then he was when he was first diagnosed," Sam stated.

"He's not. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but he's not," Susannah admitted and continued. "Some of it has to do with the fact that his therapy has been interrupted so often because of his physical condition. Much of it has to do with his own terror of and resistance to remembering and accepting his feelings. Todd will do anything to keep from remembering. It may not always seem that way . . . we are dealing with a very strong mind. The very same strong mind that enabled Todd to survive also enables him to be extremely resistant."

"Like the blindness or the Baby or shutting down completely," Viki listed some of Todd's ways of resisting therapy.

"Yes, exactly. There is just so far that I can push Todd before it backfires. I am going to try to get him to come out more though. I was hoping the memory trace alter, if there is one, would have shown up by now."

"Memory trace alter?" Sam was puzzled.

Yes, that is usually a passive alter who has a more or less complete memory of the DID patient's life," Susannah explained.

"Isn't that the gatekeeper?" Sam still didn't understand.

"No, the gatekeeper is the one who decides who comes and goes in the system. Now, other helper alters can help Todd and the others to come forward and go back inside. For instance, Goodone may be able to assist Todd in coming forward and keep him safely inside when it becomes necessary. As he mentioned, he may also have the power to put Todd to sleep and wake him up when he deems it necessary. That is why he's most likely the primary internal self-helper. I don't think Goodone has the power to decide who might be complete removed or added to Todd's system. That would be the job of the gatekeeper. The gatekeeper can see to it that an alter, like Andy, becomes dormant for some reason. Goodone would also function as a caretaker alter. He is a father to Todd and some of the children. Apparently Carol is also a caretaker alter. If she serves any other function . . . well, we don't know that yet. Miss Perkins seems to be strictly a caretaker alter."

"Dear Lord! Todd's case is so much more complicated than mine was," Viki acknowledged.

"Viki, I'm afraid it is. Todd's system is extremely complicated. I've a feeling we're just touching the surface," Susannah sighed.

"All those alters in just a day or two. Todd must have been totally devastated by Barbara's rejection," Sam stated. Tears welled up in his eyes.

"The incident at his stepfather's summer house apparently caused major trauma to Todd," Susannah agreed.

"Barbara took away his last shred of hope," Sam said, angrily.

Susannah nodded in agreement and went on. "I'm not sure if Goodone existed before that incident. Todd has split off different factions of his alters. Some have no knowledge of the others and some, like Andy and Thomas, seem to be known by everyone. The important thing about Goodone is that he is the one who is in contact with Todd when he's inside. It is imperative that Goodone learns to trust us enough to encourage and assist Todd in coming forward."

"At least we know that Todd is feeling love and comfort when he goes away," Viki said wistfully.

"Yes," Susannah confirmed, "that is very important. Todd would have been destroyed long ago if he wasn't getting those needs met somehow. Todd never had the nurturing that children need. Peter would not and, for the most part, Barbara could not nurture him. Todd learned to nurture himself. Until his blindness he has never allowed anyone to do it for him. Perhaps that is another reason why he is staying blind."

"You mean because he is allowing us to hold him and take care of him since his blindness?" Sam posed.

"Exactly. In some ways his regression is not a good thing and in some ways it is. It is allowing him to accept the nurturing he would otherwise shun."

"Is he still in physical danger?" Viki asked.

"His electrolytes are in the normal range and the Osmolyte should keep them that way and should put some weight on him and take care of his nutritional needs. I want you both to realize that if after a month to six weeks we still can't get him to eat he may have a PEG tube, a more permanent feeding tube, put into his abdomen."

"A PEG tube?" Viki sounded frightened.

"Percutaneous Endoscopic Gastrostomy tube. It goes directly into the stomach. I'm hoping it doesn't come to that because it's a more difficult procedure than the NG tube. Let's not borrow trouble. If and when that becomes necessary we'll go over the details then," Susannah stated.

Sam's cell phone rang. It was Bo. He had some news from Chicago. He asked Sam to come to his office. He told him Tea was also on her way. Sam left immediately and Viki and Susannah headed back to Todd's room.

Secrets 47, Page 2