Sam straightened up. "Enough of that!" he thought to himself. He knew he could not allow himself to fall apart now. He noticed a copy of the Banner that someone had left on a chair. He hadn't even realize that tomorrow would be New Year's Eve, his first with Viki. He know that neither of them felt like celebrating, but he wanted to do something to make the night special. He also realized that Todd's birthday was January second. He would talk to Susannah and find out if they should somehow mark this occasion. He also knew that was the day he and Tea decided to go to Bo.
*****
Sam slept on a lounge chair next to Todd's bed throughout the night. Despite the heavy sedation Todd's sleep still had some fitful moments where he would moan and whimper in his sleep. Tom was the one to wake up late the next morning. Viki had already arrived and Sam had filled her in on last nights events.
"Coach," Tom called out in a groggy voice. "Hey Boomer," Sam greeted him and kissed his head. "Good morning, sweetheart," Viki walked over to him and hugged him. Tom started to get up and felt the IV tug on his arm. "I don't want more medicine!" Tom began to cry. "How come I have to have more medicine? Is Todd sick again?" "Kind of," Sam answered and put his arm around Tom's shoulder. They finally got Tom to promise not to bother the IV in his hand.
"I have to go to the bathroom. Can I get up?" Tom asked as he wiped away the last of his tears. "Sure, you just have to take the pole with you. Here I'll help you," Sam offered. Both Sam and Viki noticed that Tom was unsteady on his feet. They hoped it was only because the sedative from the night before hadn't completely worn off.
Frank came in and saw the empty bed, "I was here earlier to help him dress but he was still sleeping. Susannah wants to make sure whoever is out gets out of bed, washed and dressed." "Tom is out right now. He's in the bathroom with Sam. He seemed a little out of it this morning." Frank heard the concern in Viki's voice. "I saw his chart. He got a pretty strong shot last night. I'm pretty sure that's causing his unsteadiness." Frank informed her.
Tom and Sam came out of the bathroom. "Good morning Tom, are you feeling up to getting washed and dressed now or do you want to rest in the chair for a while?" Frank gave him a choice. "Can I go to the playroom?" "Well, maybe a little later. Doctor Hanen wants you to come to her office this morning. Do you feel up to walking over there?" Tom nodded.
"Since you missed breakfast, would you like something to eat now?" Frank offered "Soda!" Tom responded. "Tom, soda's not food. You need to eat something," Viki stated. "I just want soda, orange soda." Tom insisted. "I'll tell you what, how about eating something and having orange soda with it," Sam suggested. "NO! I just want soda!" They were all taken back by the sharpness of Tom's tone. It was unlike him to speak to them like that. Sam and Viki looked at each other, not only because of Tom's tone but because they knew he liked grape flavored beverages . . . soda, juice . . . he liked grape, not orange.
No one pushed the issue. Jeff came in to assist and he and Frank took Tom back to the bathroom and got him cleaned up and dressed. They were surprised by how quiet Tom was as they assisted him. He was usually talkative and friendly. "I don't like these clothes. I want the blue ones," Tom complained as he looked at the gray sweats Frank had brought in to put on him. "Tom, you've worn these lots of times before," Jeff reminded him gently. "No, it wasn't me. I hate these. I want the blue ones."
Frank stuck his head out of the bathroom door. "Sam, can you please bring me the blue sweats," Frank called out. Getting Tom dressed was a little more difficult because of the IV. Finally, Frank, Jeff and Tom emerged from the bathroom. A can of orange soda waited for Tom on the table. "Can I go to the playroom now?" "Tom, I told you, Doctor Hanen is waiting for you in her office," Frank reminded him. Tom looked confused. However he didn't say anything. Viki and Sam were starting to get worried.
Frank thought it best to fill Susannah in on Tom's behavior and reactions before his session. "Tom, I'll be right back to take you to Doctor Hanen's office. I need to go speak with her first. Okay?" "Okay," Tom agreed. His sullen look had been replaced with his usual smile.
Tom got down on his knees and started to look through the toy box. "Was I really home?" "Yes sweetheart. You were home for Christmas," Viki answered. "Santa brought me this. Right?" Tom asked, holding up a new toy truck. "That's right Boomer." "That was a really long time ago." "No baby, it was just a few days ago," Viki oriented him. She knew Tom confused easily when it came to time, but he seemed more disoriented then usual.
Tom shrugged and continued to look through the toy box. "Hey Boomer, do you want your soda?" Sam held up the can. Tom looked at the can. "I like grape," Tom declared. Sam and Viki looked at each other.
Frank had filled Susannah in on Tom's unusual behavior and then went back to escort Tom to Susannah's office. "Good morning honey. How are you feeling? Is anything bothering you?" Susannah asked once Tom had been brought to her. "I don't like having this dumb needle in my hand all the time and having to walk with this dumb pole. It's all his fault!" "Whose fault?" Susannah pressed. She noticed an unusually angry tone to Tom's voice. "Todd's! He's always getting sick. Why does he get sick so much?"
Susannah knew how difficult it was for a young child to understand why their body's weren't able to do what they could always do. "Well, Todd's body is a little weak so it's easy for him to get sick," Susannah explained, in a way she thought Tom would understand. "I hate Todd's body! I have my own body. I don't know why I keep getting stuck in Todd's. Then I feel sick too. I want to go to the playroom!" "Tom, you can go to the playroom a little later. I want us to talk for a while now." "I never get to do what I want!" Tom pouted, which was once again unusual for him. "Tom, will you draw a picture of yourself for me?" "I don't like to draw," he responded sullenly.
He had Tom's voice and answered to Tom, but Susannah knew this was not Tom. He walked over to Susannah's computer and running his hand across it he commented, "Todd's got this really neat game in his computer. You get to kill off all the bad guys. I get to play with it sometimes. Do you wanna know a secret?" "Sure I would, if you want to tell it to me." "I was playing with Todd's computer and that Mr. Briggs came in and I got him to think I was Todd and I told him to write stuff in the newspaper." Tom paused while he giggled. Then he continued. "And Mr. Briggs looked at me funny." Some more giggles erupted. "But he wrote it in Todd's newspaper and Todd was real surprised when he saw it and yelled at Mr. Briggs." Tom continued to giggle at the memory of what happened.
"Do you like to make people think you're Todd?" "Sometimes." Then, Tom got serious again and said, "Not when Todd has to get punished. I don't like getting punished for him." "Do you get punished for him a lot?" Susannah pushed. Tom was still for a few seconds. He blinked a couple of times and then looked around, a confused look appeared on his face.
"Tom?" Susannah called. She studied him closely. Tom looked at her and said, "I wanted to show you the truck Santa got me. I guess I left it in my room. Viki said it wasn't a long time ago." "What wasn't a long time ago, honey?" "That I got to go home." "No, it was just a few days ago. Tom, do you remember coming into my office this morning?"
Tom looked even more confused. Then he noticed the bracelet Susannah had on. "You're wearing it!" Tom exclaimed. His face lit up like the Christmas tree he and Timmy had decorated. "Yes, it's the best present anyone has ever given me," Susannah said as she held up the wrist that had the bracelet that Tom and Timmy had given her on it. "I'm really glad you like it," Tom stated and put his head on Susannah's shoulder. She hugged him and then told him, "Now I have two things that are very special and important to me. My locket and this bracelet." Susannah patted his back and stepped back and looked at him. His face was just beaming. She stroked his head and said. "Tom, let's sit down. Okay?" Tom smiled and replied, "Okay."
"Honey, can you tell me the first thing you remember since you woke up this morning?" Tom thought for a moment and answered, "I came out of the bathroom with Frank and Jeff." "Then what's the next thing you remember?" "I found my new truck in the toy box." "Anything else?" "Sam and Viki got me the wrong flavor soda." "They did?" "Uh huh. They forgot I like grape and got me orange." "What do you remember next?" "I was here, but I forgot to bring my truck. It's really cool. It makes noise just like a real one and has all kinds of lights on it."
Susannah noticed Tom, suddenly, looked sad. "Honey, what's the matter?" "My dad won't let me play with it because it makes noise. He's gonna take it away." "Tom, do you remember that your dad is never going to come here and you can play with your truck all you want?" Susannah gently reminded him. "Oh, yeah," Tom said, brightening up. He added, "can I go get my truck now?"
Susannah smiled at him. "In just a little bit, honey. Tom, do you know of anyone else who lives with you and Todd and the others who would answer to your name?" "Santa thought I was good or he wouldn't have brought me all that stuff? Right?" "That's right honey. Santa knows you are very good."
Susannah realized Tom was changing the subject. "I took good care of Timmy too. Didn't I?" "Yes, you took very good care of Timmy. You were a big help to everyone." Tom got a huge smile on his face.
Susannah redirected him back to her questions. "Tom, do you know a little boy named Andy?" Tom looked down. Susannah could see he was starting to cry. "Honey, what's wrong? It's okay, you can tell me." "I don't know. I just feel sad." "Does thinking about Andy make you sad?" "I don't remember him but I do." Confused, Susannah needed clarification. "Honey, I don't really know what you mean. Can you try to explain what you mean to me?"
Tom looked at her with sad, confused eyes. "I'm not supposed to remember him, but I think I do. I think he went away. He didn't want to get killed." "Who was going to kill him?" "I want to go get my truck." "Tom it's okay, Andy is okay. He came to see me." Tom was as shocked at Timmy had been. "He did?" Tom's face was a combination, surprise, happiness and confusion. "Yes, honey, he did. Andy's just fine. No one killed him." "Miss Perkins will be real happy. She always feels real bad cau . . ." Tom stopped suddenly, realizing he'd already said too much. "Tom, it's all right. You can tell me." "What? Sam! Sam!" "It's all right Todd," Susannah spoke soothingly. She took hold of Todd's outstretched hands. "Todd, it's Doctor Hanen. You're in my office. You're safe."
Todd started to panic. "I want Sam! Viki went away. She's never coming back. She left me a note. She's never coming back. I want Sam!" "Todd, listen to me. Viki did not go away. She is probably waiting for you in the lounge or in your room." "No! She left me a note. It said she was going away forever." Susannah squeezed his hands gently. "Todd, it was your mom who left the note, not Viki. Viki will never leave you." Todd was quiet for a minute and then started to panic again. "If Viki didn't leave how come she's not here?" "Todd, you are in my office for a therapy session. Viki is waiting outside for you. Sam is probably there too." "I want to go to them," Todd pleaded. "I'll take you to them as soon as our session is over," Susannah offered. "No! I want to go to them now. I want Sam and Viki," Todd insisted. "Todd, I promise I'll take you to Sam and Viki as soon as our session is over. Let's talk a little first."
Tears started down Todd's cheeks. "You lied to me! They both left forever. They're never coming back. It's so dark. I'm cold." Todd crossed his arms around his torso and started to rock back and forth. "Todd, I want you to try to stay with me. I know it's difficult, but I want you to try to stay here."
Feeling overwhelmed with panic, Todd stood up. His arms stretched out in front of him. "I want Sam and Viki," he cried out childishly. He tried to find his way to the door. Susannah grabbed him just as he almost tripped over the IV pole.
"Todd, I want you to sit down before you fall and hurt yourself." "I want Sam and Viki!" he cried out, hysterically. "All right. If you sit down, I'll call them in here for you. Todd you need to calm down. I will get Viki and Sam to come in here, but first you need to calm down." "They won't come. They went away forever." More tears fell slid down his cheeks.
Susannah could tell he believed they had abandoned him. "They went away forever," Todd repeated to himself quietly. He allowed Susannah to gently push him down onto a chair. Susannah called the nurses station and asked the Nancy to please send Sam and Viki to her office.
Within two minutes time Viki and Sam came rushing into Susannah's office. "Todd, it's all right sweetheart, we're here," Viki called out to him as she and Sam rushed over to where Todd sat.
As soon as he heard Viki's voice Todd wildly grabbed at the air until Viki was close enough to touch. Just like he had the other night, he threw his arms around her waist and held on tightly. Viki could feel him trembling.
"Why did you tell me you were going away forever? Were you mad at me?" Viki was shocked by Todd's statement. "Todd, I never told you that," Viki tried to set him straight. "Yes you did. You left me a note. You said you were never coming back. I'll be good. Please don't leave me. I'll be good. Mama please! I'll be good. Don't leave me in the dark. I'm afraid."
Viki looked at Susannah. She did not know how to respond to Todd. It most definitely seemed to be Todd, but he was totally confused and disoriented. "Todd," Susannah spoke slowly and gently, "Viki is not mama. Viki is your sister. Do you remember that?"
Todd shook his head. "Viki went away. Sam went away. Everyone goes away." "Todd, I'm right here. Sweetheart, you're holding on to me. I'm standing right here." Viki had never seen Todd so confused. She tried her best to keep from crying. "Viki?" Todd asked, in a confused tone. "Yes baby, it's me. Todd, you're holding on to me. I'm right here." Viki hugged him to her tightly. "Don't go away again, okay? Sam too. Please don't go away again. I can't find you in the dark. It's nighttime and the trees make it even darker. It's so cold. When the sun comes out it won't be so cold." They realized Todd had no idea where he was. He was coming apart at the seams and it seemed nothing could stop it.
They walked Todd back to his room and sat him in the chair. He would not let go of Viki's hand. "Todd, can you tell me who I am?" Susannah asked. Todd looked frightened and confused. His chin quivered. A tear slid down his cheek. He couldn't answer the question. "Can you tell me where you are right now?" Susannah pressed. Todd didn't answer at first, then he surprised them by saying, "the storage shed."
Suddenly he jumped up and ran to the door. The IV pole dragged behind him. Luckily he did not dislodge the IV. He didn't try to open the door. He started pounding on it. "LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! I WASN'T BAD! I HATE YOU! LET ME OUT!" He screamed out in frustration and slid down the wall. "I didn't do it. It wasn't me. It wasn't me. He cried, to himself and then again screamed, "I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM!" "He slammed the back of his head into the wall. He sighed, and drew his knees to his forehead and whispered to himself, "I didn't do it and I won't say I did. I won't say I did it. I hate you. I hate you."
They realized it sounded like Tom's voice. However the tone and attitude were not Tom's. Susannah walked over to him. She righted the IV pole and knelt down to him. "Hi, do you know who I am?" He looked up and nodded. "You're Doctor Hanen." "You seem to be really angry," Susannah acknowledged.
"I hate him! He won't make me say I did it. He can't hurt me, so he locks me up." "Who can't hurt you and locks you up?" Susannah pressed. He folded his arms on top of his knees and put his head in them. Susannah changed the subject. "Do you know where you are?" He looked around and answered, "My room." "That's very good. Have you come out and spoken with us before?" "I was in your office." His tone implied that Susannah should have known that.
He pointed to Sam and Viki. "They said they'd get me orange soda." Susannah realized this was the child she thought was Tom. "Do you have a name?" Susannah asked. "Thomas." "Your name is Tom too?" "I don't like Tom. My name is Thomas. Like my grandpa." "Your grandpa?" "Mama said I was named after my grandpa. He's dead. Mama is so sad that he's dead. She says we could go to him and he'd help us if he was still alive. Mama cries when she talks about him. I don't like being in the dark." "Is it dark in here now?" "No." "Where is it dark?" Susannah pushed for more information. "In the storage shed. The door closes and it's all dark. Big rats live in there. I don't want to be there. I don't want to be there!"
He was starting to cry again. He got up on his knees and turned around. He started to bang his hands against the door again. Susannah put her arms around him and gently pulled him back down to a sitting position on the floor. "Honey, it's okay, you're not in the storage shed. Look around again."
Thomas looked around. He still seemed confused and angry. "You're in your room. Hmmm, remember?" He calmed down a little and wiped his eyes. "When I'm big I won't let daddy hurt mama anymore. I hate him. He gets madder when I yell back but I do anyway. I hate him!" Thomas was emphatic.
"Thomas, how old are you?" Susannah inquired. "Eight. I'm in third grade. I won a prize for spelling, a pen and pencil set. I spell better than Tom or Todd. Mama said not to show daddy my prize. She said she was real proud of me. She said, 'Thomas, you are such a smart boy."'
Susannah smiled. "You really love mama a lot don't you?" He nodded. "Do you ever get angry with mama?" "NO!" He seemed horrified at the very thought. "I love mama! She's gonna take me with her." "Where is she going to take you?" Susannah asked. "It's a secret. Mama felt sick again and she laid down. I laid down with her and she told me. Don't tell daddy. Don't tell daddy. Don't tell daddy," Thomas started whispering to himself over and over again.
"Thomas, it's all right. No one will tell daddy." "If he finds out he'll hurt mama." "Can you tell us the secret?" Thomas shook his head. "Okay, you don't have to." Susannah looked at her watch and realized it was nearly time for Thomas' lunch to be brought in.
"Thomas, what do you like to eat?" "French toast! Mama used to make it for me in the morning." "Doesn't she make it anymore?" "Mama sleeps too late to make it now. Sometimes she makes it for dinner. Mama makes the best french toast. I like orange soda and orange Popsicles and orange Jello. Orange is mama's favorite flavor too."
"Thomas, if I can get them to make you some french toast for lunch will you eat it?" Susannah offered. He nodded. "Okay," Susannah said. She stood up and then helped Thomas up. "Can I go to the playroom?" Thomas asked hopefully. "Thomas, you seem to know all about the hospital. Have you been out much since Todd's been in the here?" He shook his head. "I just know stuff. I know about a lot of stuff. They don't like for me to come out cause I make daddy even madder. I hate daddy. Can I go play with the toys now?" "Sure you can Thomas," Susannah agreed. "I like it when you call me honey like you do Tom."
Susannah smiled. She put her arm around his shoulder and said, "Okay honey, you can go to the playroom. I'll take you there right now. I'll be back in a minute," Susannah said to Sam and Viki, who had been sitting quietly. They realized that they now had another kid in their family.
