Something else was bothering Dorian. She could not shake the feeling that Porter, despite the amount of liquor he consumed, held onto more secrets. Dorian was determined to find out whatever it was he was hiding.

Dorian had downed her second cup of coffee when she heard Blair call her name.

“Dorian, are you all right? Yvette let me in and I called to you twice and you didn’t even hear me or realize I was in the room.”

“Of course I’m all right. I’m a little tired. I didn’t sleep well last night.”

“Is Aunt Melinda all right?” Blair thought something might have happened.

“She’s fine. She just needed some reassurance,” Dorian lied.

“Did you have another fight with Mel? I hope he didn’t find out you’re still helping me with Todd. I made sure he was gone before I came up to the house?”

“No. Mel and I are fine too.” Dorian stood up. She hugged Blair and kissed her on the cheek. “I’m touched that you’re so concerned. Honestly, I just had a bad night, jet lag probably. I should have stayed in California overnight I suppose.”

“Well, I’m happy that nothing is wrong,” Blair stated. “I’m going to see Matthew Allen today. I have a few more questions for him. I want to know if he can make sure that Téa does not become Todd’s guardian if Viki is found unfit.”

“We certainly wouldn’t want that. She would continue to let Viki run the show anyway,” Dorian said half heartedly. It was difficult for her to concentrate on what Blair had to say. Right now she had more on her mind. For the time being, hearing what happened to Viki in 1970 put a damper on Dorian’s obsessive hatred.

“Excuse me Mrs. Hayes,” the cook interrupted.

“Yes, Joanna,” Dorian tone gave away her raw nerves and impatience.

“You said you wanted to check out the wine delivery yourself, before it was brought down to the cellar.”

“Yes,” Dorian remembered. “I’ll be right there. Blair will you excuse me for a few minutes?”

“Now don’t you go drinking any of that wine at this hour,” Blair joked as Dorian headed for the kitchen.

When Dorian got back, Blair was sitting on the couch, staring off into space and humming softly to herself.

“That’s an oldie,” Dorian commented, startling Blair.

“What? What’s an oldie?”

“That song you were humming, Blue Moon. I didn’t think that kind of music was to your taste.”

“It just something I heard recently. It stuck with me.”

Dorian looked at Blair closely. “There’s something different about you this morning.” Dorian walked around Blair. “It’s not your hair or what you’re wearing. You seem to be in an especially good mood today, surprisingly so, considering everything that’s going on.”

Blair wanted to tell Dorian about her visit to Club Indigo, but she thought better of it. I wouldn’t want Dorian to get the wrong impression, Blair thought to herself.

“It’s nothing. I just got a few good nights sleep since I found out I finally have some proof that Todd is being kept sick at that hospital. Okay, it’s not exactly proof of that, but I think it’s enough . . .”

“Darling,” Dorian said suddenly. “Would you mind if we talked about this later on? I have an appointment with my broker this morning and I need to get dressed and try to get myself together.”

Blair looked annoyed. Then she realized this was Dorian being Dorian. She kissed her aunt on the cheek. “I have to be running myself. I’ll call you later, before Mel gets home, to let you know what Mr. Allen had to say.”

“Good luck,” Dorian called out as Blair left the room.

As soon as she was sure Blair was gone, Dorian called Todd’s unit.

“Seven west, Nancy speaking,” the voice on the other end of the phone said.

“This is Dorian Hayes. May I please speak with Viki Carpenter?”

“I’ll see if she’s able to come to the phone. I need to put you on hold.”

“Go right ahead,” Dorian said with forced sweetness.

*****

Viki, Sam and Andy had slept peacefully through the night. Once Andy had fallen into a deep sleep, the staff put absorbent briefs on him. They knew he’d be upset if he wet the bed. They also did it to protect Viki and Sam, should Andy wet himself. Once that was done, Sam and Viki slept with Andy between them the entire night. They did not want him to wake up and feel abandoned. It did them as much good as it did him. All three of them were in a good enough mood to want breakfast.

Andy ate a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal with milk. He drank a cup of apple juice and had a small dish of vanilla pudding. He seemed in better spirits than he had, but he was still not himself.

Susannah got to the unit while Terry, Janet and Eileen were giving Andy his bath. Frank and Jeff waited right outside the bathroom in case there was a problem. They knew male staff in the bathroom would frighten him. Andy had willingly gone back to his bathroom with the three women after he ate. He didn’t put up any kind of fuss over the bath.

Viki and Sam were finishing their morning coffee when Susannah got there.

Susannah saw that Sam looked better than he had in a while. Viki looked a little more at peace too.

“Good morning,” Susannah said, sitting down at the dining table in the dayroom. “I heard you all had a good night.”

“We did,” Viki confirmed. “Andy is still not his playful self, but at least he didn’t have any nightmares and he ate a good breakfast.”

“Andy asked Frank if he was going to put a big knife on the table when Frank put some of the breakfast things out,” Sam informed Susannah in a worried tone.

“I’m planning a session with Andy after his bath. I’ll do some play therapy with him and see if he can work on the knife issue. He was very traumatized by that. He kept it in for many years. It’s not unusual for him to be obsessed with it now that he’s talking about it. Those memories are close to the surface for Todd too.”

“Todd went into shock when he started to remember that day,” Viki reminded Susannah. “What will happen if he comes out?”

“I think Todd might be better able to handle it now. Last time he had a spontaneous abreaction. There is always a danger when that happens. This would be a controlled situation. We will take precautions. Todd’s co-consciousness with Andy is increasing. It’s only a matter of time before Todd hears Andy talking about that day. It would be better if it happened during a session.”

Viki and Sam nodded. Anxiety filled their being.

“Todd is doing very well. He’s made some amazing progress recently. He’s responding to the antidepressant and neuroleptic. His need for sedation has decreased. I know it’s difficult not be frightened. Todd still has many traumas to get through and we understand that he’s still very fragile.”

Susannah smiled because she had more good news. “Todd’s latest labs came back and he’s doing great physically. His hematocrit and hemoglobin are normal. We will be cutting back the Procrit to once a week. If his crit stays up we will discontinue it. Todd’s renal functions are nearly normal and his last ECG was good. His electrolytes and blood sugar are normal. His Dilantin level is fine. Todd’s gained back nearly half the weight he’s lost. Many of the alters are eating well when they’re out. They are all tolerating the PEG tube and the frequent feedings. They’ve all responded very well to the Dilantin. They’ve been seizure free for weeks. Todd’s thought process is beginning to improve. He’s lucid most of the time he’s out. He should soon be able to handle eating disorder sessions. Todd’s denial is decreasing. I believe he’s almost ready to hear about all or at least more of his alters. When that happens I will let him know he can see them on video tape if he wants to or hear them on audio tape if he feels seeing them is too much for him to handle. I will also ask him to begin journaling with the alters. Todd and some of the others may soon be ready to go to the outdoor gym.”

“Todd’s communication and friendship with Pete are good things, aren’t they?” Viki asked for reassurance.

“They are very good things and a tremendous step. It will be very beneficial to both of them. Frank and I were talking and we think Pete and Todd might enjoy playing basketball in the indoor gym . . . sort of one on one.”

“It will actually seem like they are playing with another person, to each of them, won’t it?” Sam asked.

“Yes. They will see and hear each other just the way we are hearing and seeing each other now. Their playing skills and styles can and most likely will differ. Their tolerance to activity will probably differ.”

Sam shook his head in amazement. “Todd’s going to get closer to Pete’s memories of the night Michelle was killed, isn’t he?”

Susannah nodded. “I think he will be ready when he does. He may not seem ready to you or even to himself. I don’t think his system will allow him to remember that night before he can process it. It may not take the first time he remembers. He may repress it several times before he truly remembers.”

“Excuse me,” Nancy said as she approached the table. “Dorian Hayes is on the phone for Viki?”

“Dorian?” Viki’s tone was a combination of annoyance and surprise.

“Do you want me to tell you can’t come to the phone right now?” Nancy asked.

Viki sighed. “No, if there is something she wants, she’ll just keep calling.” Viki stood up and followed Nancy to the nurses station.

Sam brushed his hand though his hair. “I think I need a haircut. It’s been awhile.” Sam looked self-conscious. “I think I need a shower and a shave too. Do you think Andy will be all right without me around for a while?”

Susannah was happy to see that Sam was taking an interest in his appearance. It was a good sign. “I think he’ll be fine. He should be in with me for at least an hour, possibly two. Why don’t you go to his room. He’s probably out of the bath by now. Let him know you’re leaving and why.”

Sam looked into Susannah’s eyes. “Thanks. Thanks for everything.”

Susannah smiled and nodded.

*****

“Yes, Dorian,” Viki said into the phone. She made no attempt to hide her impatience.

“Hello Viki. How are you doing?”

Viki rolled her eyes. “I’m fine.”

“Good. And how is Todd doing?”

“Todd is progressing nicely. Was there something specific that you wanted?” Viki was in no mood for this.

Still thinks she’s Queen Victoria, Dorian thought to herself. “I was hoping you could come here to discuss something with me or that I could meet you there. Perhaps we can do lunch?”

“Do lunch?” Viki mocked. “What is this about?”

“They are thinking of starting a Dissociative Disorders unit at Melinda’s hospital in California. I would like your input.”

Viki was taken aback. “Of course, I will help in any way I can. Would you like Susannah’s input?”

“Um . . . uh . . . no . . . not just yet. I would like the patient’s perspective first. I would ask Todd if he were well enough but . . .”

“No, Todd is still not well enough for that,” Viki said firmly.

“That’s what I just said dear. I have no intentions of asking Todd. So, would you like to come here or would you rather meet somewhere?”

Viki thought for a moment. “I don’t want to be too far from the hospital. One of the child alters is out. How about that diner near the hospital?”

“That’s perfect. If you get there first, get us a back booth so we can have some privacy. Does noon sound good to you?”

“Can we make it for eleven? I want to be back in time to have lunch with Andy, the little boy who’s out.”

“No problem. See you at eleven.” Dorian hung up.

*****

Susannah was in the lounge near the nurses station when Viki started to head back to the dayroom.

“Sam wants to clean up and then go out for a haircut and run some errands. He went in to tell Andy so he shouldn’t find him gone and become upset,” Susannah informed Viki.

Viki sat next to her. “Sam and I didn’t have a chance to talk about last night. Something happened, didn’t it? Sam seems so much more together.”

“Viki, you know you’ll need to talk to Sam about the details. I can tell you that I think Sam did have a breakthrough of sorts. I can also tell you that I’m feeling encouraged that he might be ready or almost ready to get the help he needs.”

Viki hugged Susannah. “I’m not asking what you said to Sam last night or what he said to you. I do want to tell you how grateful I am to you for whatever part you had in this change in him.”

Susannah squeezed Viki gently. “Don’t push Sam. I think he will do what’s helpful to him, if not for himself than for you and Todd.” Susannah patted Viki’s knee. “I’m going to get things ready for Andy’s session.”

Viki headed for Todd’s room. She wanted to tell Sam and Andy that she would be gone for a while.

*****

Shortly after Viki and Sam left, Téa called the nurses station. Terry answered. She told Terry that Carlotta had slipped and sprained her ankle. One of the servers from the diner had called Téa, against Carlotta’s protests. With Antonio in California with Andy and Christian living in New York, Téa knew Carlotta would be without family. Téa was torn. She didn’t want to stay away, in case Todd came back. Téa was even more upset when Terry was forced to tell her that both Viki and Sam had gone out.

“Téa, Andy is out and Susannah’s going to take him in for a session,” Terry assured her. “Please don’t worry. Take care of Mrs. Vega. If Todd should come back, we will tell him what happened. We will let him call you on your cell phone if he wants to.”

Téa loved Carlotta like a mother. Reluctantly, she told Terry she would probably not be able to get to the unit until late in the afternoon. Téa planned on hiring someone to stay with and help Carlotta until her foot healed and she would not take no for an answer. In addition to that, she would visit and help Carlotta whenever she could.

*****

Andy was in the dayroom watching a Flintstone’s video when Susannah came in to take him for his session. He had shown some anxiety when Viki and Sam told him they were leaving for a short while. It took lots of hugs and verbal reassurance before he seemed to believe that they’d be back.

Susannah waited a few minutes for the video to end and then she held out her hand. “Would you like to go to the playroom with me? I have some toys there that we can play with.”

Andy shrugged. His depression was still evident. Finally he nodded and took Susannah’s hand.

*****

Susannah and Allan had laid out some toys appropriate to Andy’s session and his age. Then Allan left the playroom. Susannah thought it best. These days, Andy was feeling very uneasy around any man other than Sam. Frank and Angelo waited right outside, in case of any problem.

“Why don’t you check out the new toys,” Susannah encouraged. “We can play with whatever you like.” Susannah wanted to see what Andy chose and what direction he’d go. It was also important that a child felt in control of his or her world during play therapy. In many cases the child had no power or control over anything in his or her life, the playroom and play therapy was their chance to rule their world and make the toys do what they wanted and/or needed them to do.

Andy walked around. He looked at everything. He stopped when he got to a toy knife. He froze and stared at it for a minute. Then he reached for it, picked it up and rubbed his hand over the rubber blade. He placed it back on the table. Andy picked up one of the little boy dolls and looked at him. He lifted the doll’s shirt and rubbed his fingers on the approximate spot that correlated to where he had been stabbed. Andy started to reach for one of the adult male dolls. He pulled his hand back. He reached for one of the adult female doll instead. He held her for a moment and then put her down and pushed her away.

Susannah picked up the three dolls Andy had shown interest in. “Can I take the dolls’ clothes off and show you something special about them?”

Andy stared into Susannah’s eyes and nodded.

Susannah showed Andy the anatomically correct dolls. “See, they are just like real people.”

Andy stared at them silently.

“Should I put the clothes back on them now?” Susannah inquired.

“Not on him.” Andy pointed to the little boy doll.

Susannah realized that Andy wanted to express the little boy’s vulnerability and shame. “All right,” she agreed as she dressed the other two.

Andy stared into Susannah’s eyes again. He took the three dolls he had chosen off of Susannah’s lap. He handed the adult female doll back to her. “You be the mommy.”

“Okay. What’s the mommy supposed to be doing?”

Andy nodded. “She’s in the kitchen drinking the smelly booze drink she keeps in the cabinet.” Andy pointed to the adult male doll. “He don’t like it when she takes his booze drink.”

Andy sat on his heels in front of the dollhouse that had been put out.

Susannah sat on the floor next to him. She placed the mommy doll in the kitchen. She moved the doll’s hand to her mouth, in a drinking motion.

Andy had the daddy doll roughly throw the little boy doll into the bed in one of the bedrooms. In a pretend adult male voice Andy had the daddy doll say, “Miserable little bastard! You stay in your room. I can’t stand to look at you or hear you. You make mommy drink because she wants to get away from you.”

“How does hearing that make the little boy feel?” Susannah asked.

“It makes him real sad. He wants to cry but his daddy will hurt him if he cries. It makes him mad at himself because he don’t know how to be a good boy? He gets scared because he knows his daddy is gonna come up to his room soon and sometimes he likes it because his daddy holds him and tells him he’s his good boy and he pets him nice and tickles him and sometimes he even smiles at him.”

“So it must be confusing because sometimes the little boy feels loved by his daddy?” Susannah stated.

Andy nodded. He picked up the boy doll and banged its head against the floor and then punched its genitals.

“Are you angry with the little boy?” Susannah asked.

“He’s bad!”

“What is he doing that so bad?”

“He’s not supposed to feel love or good because it’s bad. He wanted it to feel good in school and feel his daddy loving him and he got in trouble and made everybody hate him.”

“The little boy feels confused and angry because he knows what his daddy does to him is bad touching and yet sometimes it feels good?” Susannah restated.

Andy hit the boy doll’s head against the floor again. “He’s a very bad boy and a disgusting prewurt.”

“Is the little boy angry with himself?” Susannah asked.

“He hates himself a whole lot and he’s gonna punish himself so he won’t be so bad.”

“Do you think the little boy will listen to me if I explain something to him?” Susannah inquired.

Andy thought for a few moments. He nodded and held the doll’s ear up to Susannah’s mouth.

“I know it’s very confusing if it sometimes feels good when someone bad touches you,” Susannah began. “But that doesn’t make you a bad or disgusting boy or a pervert. There are things called nerve endings in everyone’s private parts. That’s another name for boy parts. When someone touches your private parts in a certain way, it can send a message to your brain that it feels good. There’s nothing you can do to stop that. It’s the way our bodies work. It has nothing to do with being a bad boy or being disgusting. It doesn’t ever mean that you like being bad touched or that you want someone to do that to you. Do you feel like you understand what I just explained?” Susannah asked the doll.

Andy held the doll’s mouth to his ear. “He still feels like a bad boy,” Andy responded. “He bad touches himself sometimes too.”

“It’s not bad touching when you touch yourself that way. It’s bad touching if someone you don’t want to touch you that way does. It’s okay to touch any part of your body that you want to. Your body belongs to you. If you want to make yourself feel good by touching your private parts, that’s okay. That’s good touching. It’s not polite to do it in front of other people, but it’s still not bad.”

“Like mommy says don’t pick your nose in front of people?” Andy asked.

Susannah smiled. “Yes. These are things that are okay to do in private. They are not bad things to do.”

A scowl formed on Andy’s face. He hit the boy doll against the floor again. “He’s still bad because he makes his daddy do stuff to him because he wants his daddy to love him and like him.”

“Children want their parents to love them. That’s okay. It’s good to want to be loved. He’s not a bad boy because he wanted his daddy’s love. It was not okay for his daddy to make the little boy feel that he could only be loved if he was bad touched or if he bad touched his daddy. It was the daddy who was doing something that was not okay, not the little boy,” Susannah explained.

Andy took the mommy doll from Susannah. With the boy doll in his other hand he had the mommy doll tell the boy doll. “You have to be a good boy with Daddy. Don’t say no or try to stop Daddy because that makes him very angry and he’ll hurt you even more.” Andy moved the mommy doll’s hand so it stroked the boy doll’s head. “That’s Mommy’s good boy. I love you. I don’t want to see you get hurt.” Andy handed the mommy doll back to Susannah.

Andy had the boy doll face the mommy doll as he spoke. “Daddy hurts me anyway. You hate me when I do what you say. You don’t love me and think I’m your good boy. Why do you say you do when you don’t?”

Using a pretend mommy doll voice, Susannah said, “Sometimes mommies don’t know how to handle things. They think they’re doing the right thing for their little boy or girl, even if it is the wrong thing. Do you ever feel that mommy loves you?”

Andy angrily threw the boy doll back in the bed. He grabbed the mommy doll from Susannah again. He had the mommy doll stand outside the door to the little boy’s room. Andy used his mommy doll voice again. “I’m not gonna love you any more because you’re a disgusting prewurt and your teachers think that too and they hate you. I’m not gonna call you darling and sweetheart anymore. You’re a bad boy and that’s why I lie to you and tell your teachers that you’re clumsy. You do disgusting things to me when I’m sleeping from the booze drink. You’re an evil little boy and I hate you.”

“Is the mommy saying that right to the little boy or does he hear her saying that to his daddy?” Susannah inquired.

“He hears her saying it to his daddy,” Andy answered.

Andy picked up the daddy doll. He had him come in through the front door. He switched back to the adult male voice. “I hate coming home to that ungrateful bitch and rotten little bastard. I work hard and I pay for everything. I own everything because I pay for it.”

Andy turned the little boy doll so his ear faced the door to his room. He picked up the mommy doll and had her rush toward the daddy doll in his other hand. Using the mommy voice again, Andy began, “He’s just like you! He’s a disgusting prewurt. I’m gonna send him away to live with an old man. I wish he was never born.”

Susannah knew Barbara Manning never said those things that way. She never meant to hurt her child. Yet her words hurt. Andy carried them with him always and they preyed on his young mind. The accusations Andy heard Barbara level against Peter were confusing to a six-year-old. In Andy’s mind, Barbara said exactly what he just had the mommy doll say. Since Andy had been isolated and then put to sleep by Mike, shortly after the day Peter nearly stabbed him to death, he never had another opportunity to feel his mother’s love. Hearing her say those things was one of Andy’s last memories of her.

“How does hearing that make the little boy feel?” Susannah pressed.

Andy placed the boy doll’s hand up to his ears. In his own voice, he had the boy doll cry out, “I’m scared. I don’t like it when Mommy and Daddy fight. It makes Mommy drink more booze drink and makes Daddy even meaner and if he drinks the booze drink too it makes him the meanest mean. It’s all my fault.”

Andy grabbed the daddy doll and had him storm into the boy doll’s room. He had him kneel over the boy and touch the boy’s genitals. Using his attempt at an adult male voice again, Andy had the daddy say, “That’s right. You’re Daddy’s good boy. We’ll show Mommy she can’t make a mama’s boy fag out of you. Make it hard for Daddy. Show Daddy you’re a man. You can only do it for Daddy. It belongs to him. Daddy owns everything.” Andy opened the daddy doll’s pants. Suddenly he dropped the dolls and rushed back to get the toy knife. He placed the knife in the hand of the boy doll. He had the boy doll go through the motions of cutting off his own genitals.

“Why is the little boy hurting himself?” Susannah asked.

“It hurts more to leave his boy parts on,” Andy stated.

“It hurts the little boy to have his boy parts?”

Andy nodded. “Now he can’t be his Daddy’s good boy anymore! He can’t be a disgusting prewurt anymore.”

Susannah sadly realized that this was the only way Andy could think of to control his world and stop some of his pain.

Andy had the daddy doll say, “Now I can never like you or ever hug you or pat your hair or tell you you’re Daddy’s good boy or love you again. Now you only get the punish part.” Andy had the daddy doll push his penis against the boy doll’s mouth and say, “Don’t you throw up. You know what’ll happen to you if you throw up. You act like a man!”

With his other hand, Andy had the mommy doll stand in the doorway and watch. He had her walk away without saying a word. Then Andy pulled up the daddy doll’s pants and walked him out of the room. Andy handed the mommy doll back to Susannah.

After that was done, Andy had the boy doll make crying sounds. “I wanted my mommy to like me better and now she still hates me and my daddy hates me because I can’t be his good boy anymore. Nobody likes me. I’m gonna get sent away and I won’t get to go to school or climb my tree or ride my bicycle or play with my dog or with Timmy anymore. I’m gonna make me dead before Daddy can kill me and I get sent away.”

Andy had the boy doll pick up the knife again and go through the motions of sticking it in its heart and cutting its head off. Having only a six year old’s conception of what death was, Andy then had the boy doll walk over to the mommy doll and say, “Now I’m dead and I have no more boy parts, so you can’t hate me and Daddy can’t hurt me anymore. I’m gonna run away because you lie to me.” Andy thrust the mommy doll into Susannah’s hand again, obviously wanting her to resume being its voice.

“How do I make you feel when I lie to you?” Susannah had the mommy doll ask the boy doll.

“You make me mad! I hate you! Now I’m dead and I’m running away!”

“I love my little boy,” Susannah used a pretend voice again. “I don’t want you to be dead and I don’t want you to run away.”

“You lie to me all the time.” Andy had the boy doll say to the mommy doll. “I’m gonna be dead and then I’m running all the way to the moon so you’ll never be able to find me and Daddy won’t ever be able to reach me because I’ll have my bicycle with me and it’s the only thing fast enough to get to the moon.”

“If you’re angry with me and angry with Daddy why do you want to hurt yourself?” Susannah asked, as the mommy doll.

Andy was quiet for a minute. He took the mommy doll away from Susannah. He gathered the Daddy doll too. He moved them off to the side of the dollhouse. He turned the boy doll until it faced Susannah. “He wants to whisper it to you.”

“All right,” Susannah agreed. She turned her ear toward Andy and the boy doll.

Andy held the boy doll’s mouth up to Susannah’s ear. “I can’t be that mad at Mommy and Daddy because I’ll be the maddest of anybody in the whole world.”

Susannah turned back to address the boy doll. “What would happen you become the maddest of anybody in the whole world?”

Andy pulled the boy doll away and clutched it to his chest he was quiet for a minute. Then it was as if a storm erupted. Andy let the boy doll drop to the floor. He grabbed the daddy doll by the legs and began to pound it into the floor.

“I hate you! I don’t care if you don’t love me and if I’m not your good boy anymore! You hurt me all the time! You say I’m your good boy and then you hurt me anyway! You hit me and tie me up and squeeze me and put your boy part in my mouth and then you stick my face in the throw up and make me lick it and you burn my boy parts with your cigarettes and make me sit on the wet spot on the bed and make me stand in the bathroom all night and hit me with the belt if I fall down. You make me rub my boy parts on mommy and pee on her and you yell and call us names and you make me scared all the time. I hate you!”

Andy dropped the daddy doll and unleashed his fury on the mommy doll. He began to pound her against the floor the way he did the daddy doll.

“You say do what daddy says and you won’t get hurt and he still hurts me. You say you’ll stay in bed with me while I’m sleeping and then you go away and Daddy comes in and does stuff to me and makes me do stuff to him. You say be a good boy for Daddy and then you hate me and think I’m a disgusting prewurt. You say I’m the smartest most talented little boy and you tell my teacher I’m clumsy and she thinks I’m dumb.”

Andy was choking on his words and gasping for breath. Susannah let him continue. This was a breakthrough she had been hoping for.

Andy was still pounding the mommy doll against the floor. “You go to sleep from the booze drink and I can’t wake you up and Daddy says I have to do stuff to you or he’ll kill you and me. Daddy says I have to act like a man and my boy part has to become hard when I do stuff to you because Daddy says you’re a whore and slut who deserves it. I don’t wanna do it but you won’t wake up. I throwed away your booze stuff and you bought more. You say Doctor Evans won’t hurt me and he does! You tell him I’m clumsy and that’s how I got hurt. I hate you! I hate you! I hate both of you.”

Andy dropped the mommy doll. He ran back to the table. He grabbed some of the other objects.

Andy pulled off the daddy dolls clothes. He began to beat him with the toy belt. “You’re bad and you’re a miserable big bastard and you’re stupid and I wish you were never born.” Andy gasped again and picked up a toy cigarette. He held the orange end to the daddy doll’s genitals. “I’m gonna show you what happens to when you wet the bed! I’m gonna punish you and make you stand in the bathroom all night.” He rubbed the daddy doll’s face into the carpet. “You pig. I’ll teach you to make a mess. You lick it up.”

Andy picked up the mommy doll and started beating the daddy doll with her. “You stop Daddy from hurting me! You stop lying to me. You stop thinking I’m disgusting and a prewurt when I do what you say to do. You stop daddy. You stop daddy from hurting me. You stop daddy from making me do stuff to you. You’re my mommy. You’re supposed to tect me. You make him stop. You make him stop! I hate you too. I’m the maddest mad in the whole world. I hate both of you!”

Andy picked up the knife. He held the handle in his fist. First he slashed it against the daddy doll’s genitals and then he held it straight up and over and over again plunged it into the chests of both the mommy and daddy doll. “I hate you! I hate both of you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!”

Susannah recognized Todd’s voice saying it the last time. Todd’s eyes came into focus. He saw the dolls on the floor in front of him. He realized there was something in his hand. He saw the knife. “Oh God,” Todd whispered. He let the knife fall to the floor. “Oh Gooooooood! I heard! I heard! I saw what he was doing. Oh God. I saw!” Todd began to hit his own head into the floor.

Susannah didn’t have to alert Frank and Angelo. They heard Todd come out and were already standing in the doorway. Frank pulled Todd into a hold. Todd was weak from Andy’s fury and from what he had witnessed. He didn’t fight the hold or try to kick out. Angelo’s assistance wasn’t needed, nevertheless any additional staff.

“Oh God. I feel what that little boy felt. Make it go away. I don’t wanna feel it. Please! I don’t wanna feel it. Make it go away. Get the pictures out of my head. Please! Do anything. Take out my brain. Give me drugs. Kill me. Make it go away.”

Susannah knelt down next to Todd and Frank. “Tell me what feelings you want gone.”

“The hate. They’re my parents. She’s my mom! She loved me. She did! She loved me.” Todd turned his head up and looked Frank in the eyes. “She loved me!”

“I know she did buddy,” Frank said soothingly. “She loved you very much.”

“You kill me! You kill me now! I want to be dead. She’s my mom. You get a real knife and you rip my heart out. You kill me!” Todd cried out.

“You don’t have to be dead to face your rage at your mom,” Susannah said gently. “Little children and the adults they become don’t have to punish themselves and die because they hate what their parents did. You can hate what your mom did and didn’t do and still love her and still know that she loved you.”

Todd shook his head. Tears streamed down his cheeks. “No! You don’t understand.”

“Help me to understand,” Susannah prompted.

“I wanted what that little boy wanted, just now. I had the knife in my hand too. I felt what he was doing. I saw it. I wanted to hurt them . . . not just my dad . . . Mama too. Oh God! Please kill me. I don’t deserve to live. I wanted to hurt my own mother. I wanted her to know what it felt like . . . but she did,” Todd sobbed. “She was hurt so bad too. I don’t ever remember seeing her without bruises. He hurt her so much. She had to go to the dentist and get these fake teeth in the front because he knocked out her real teeth. He broke her nose a few times. He gave her black eyes. He’d knock her down and kick her. He’d bang her head into the wall. He’d smash her face into things. He’d pull her around by her hair. He’d . . . he’d . . . he’d . . .” Todd could hardly catch his breath. “He’d throw her down and . . . and . . . and rape her! He’d tear her clothes off when she was passed out and take my clothes off and make me rub my cock all over her. He’d make me piss on her. He wanted me to get hard. He got his sick kick out of that. Then . . . then . . . oh God, sometimes he’d rub his cock against me when he got hard watching it. It was me! It was me and that little boy and the other boy. He made all of us do it! He made us do it. He said he’d kill her if we didn’t. He said he’d beat us and kill us. We should have let him. We should have let him kill all of us! Why? Mama! I’m sorry. Mama. He hurt you so bad too. You didn’t know how to help me or yourself. You should have. You were the grown up. You were the mother. Why didn’t you take me away? You got the strength to run away. Why didn’t you take me too! I hate you! No! No! I don’t really hate you. I didn’t want to do disgusting things to you. I didn’t. I was so scared. He said he’d kill both of us. I hate you! You got drunk and passed out. It wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t passed out. You left me alone even when you were there and you let him hurt us both. You let him take me out of my bed at night and torture me. I HATE YOU! No! No! I don’t really hate you. I don’t want you dead. Mama! MAMAAAAAAA.” Todd shrieked.

Terry had come into the playroom during this. Susannah had given her orders for a sedative. Terry came back into the room with it.

Todd was still screaming for his mother.

“Todd, you need to take some medication to help you calm down. Will you take it by mouth?”

Todd was beyond hearing her. He continued to scream for his mother.

Susannah changed the order to an injection. It would have to be given intramuscularly.

More staff was called in. Todd seemed unaware of the many hands on him as they rolled him and stabilized him for the injection. He was not struggling to get away. He continued to cry out for his mother. Terry injected the medication.

After several minutes, Todd started to calm. His muscles relaxed and his shouts turned to whimpers. He curled up in Frank’s arms and rested his head against Frank’s chest.

“Shhhh. It’s okay buddy. Relax,” Frank comforted.

“Do you hate me?” Todd asked. His speech was slightly slurred from the medication.

“Nooo, I don’t hate you. You are one of my favorite people in the world. I care very much about you,” Frank added.

“I should die,” Todd whispered softly. “That knife should have killed me. I’m afraid of it?”

“You’re afraid of the knife?” Susannah asked.

“No,” Todd said wearily. “The rage . . . I’m afraid of the rage.”

“You’re afraid to be angry with your mom?” Susannah stated.

More tears fell as Todd nodded.

“What does it mean if you are angry with her?” Susannah posed.

“That I don’t really love her?”

“Have you ever been angry with Viki or Sam or Téa?” Susannah asked.

Todd thought for a few seconds and nodded again.

“Do you still love them?” Susannah pressed.

Todd’s chin trembled. “Yes.”

“Why do you think it’s different with your mom?”

“Because I hate her sometimes,” Todd wept.

“Do you hate your mom or do you hate her weakness?” Susannah asked.

“She was weak because of me,” Todd stated.

“How did you make her weak?” Susannah probed.

“My dad hated me and my mom didn’t so he did all those horrible things to her and she drank. If she hadn’t gotten so drunk she wouldn’t have passed out and she could have stopped him from hurting me and I wouldn’t have done disgusting things to her.”

“Honey, your mom was an adult. You were a child. She had choices. You didn’t. She may have felt like she had no choice, and that caused her to make some very bad decisions. Both you and she paid the price for the choices she made. You did not make her drink.”

Todd thought about what Susannah just said. “I didn’t want her to drink. I remember doing it too?”

“Doing what buddy?” Frank asked as he rubbed Todd’s back.

“What that little boy did. I remember throwing out my mom’s booze. She never got mad at me. She would look sad when she realized I did it. Sometimes she’d try to go without it and then she would end up buying some more. She started to put it on the highest shelf. I couldn’t reach it even when I stood on a chair.”

“Sounds to me like your mom understood you were trying to help her,” Frank said tenderly.

“You think so?” Todd asked desperately.

“I do,” Frank replied.

“It sounds that way to me too,” Susannah agreed.

Todd hung his head. “Sometimes I hated her when he was making me hurt her.”

“You hated your mom when your dad forced you to be sexual with her,” Susannah restated.

“Yeah,” Todd said softly. “I’m a monster. I was the one doing these vile disgusting things to her and I would get so mad at her for being passed out. I hated my dad the most, but I hated her too.”

“What your dad did was very wrong and something he never should have done no matter what, but your mom left herself vulnerable to him by passing out. They both had some responsibility there. You had none. You were a little boy. Your dad threatened you and your mom. You did nothing wrong,” Susannah said firmly.

“It feels wrong. It feels horrible. I feel like I want to hurt myself but I’m too tired to do it now.”

“Todd,” Susannah asked softly. “Do you want to hurt Andy . . . that little boy you saw and heard?”

“No,” Todd looked horrified. “He’s just a kid.”

“You saw him hurt the dolls. You heard him say he wanted to hurt Mom and Dad back for all the times they hurt him and let him get hurt.”

“Dad shouldn’t have hurt him. He’s a little kid. He didn’t ask to be born. Mom should have protected him. She was the mom.”

“Honey, Andy is you. He’s a part of you. You were that age and younger when your dad abused you and forced you to abuse your mom.”

“No, you’re confusing me. Andy is a good little boy. I’m evil. I’m the one.”

“Do you really think I’m a good boy?” those near Todd heard Andy say. Andy’s speech was heavily slurred. Todd’s body became nearly limp when Andy took over. The medication had much more of an effect on him. “I hurt mommy. I hate mommy a whole bunch because I’m real mad at her but I love her a whole bunch too. I hate Daddy a big whole bunch.”

“It’s okay,” Todd soothed. “Daddy shouldn’t have hurt you and Mommy shouldn’t have let him hurt you. It’s not your fault. You should be mad at them.”

“Mommy thinks I’m a disgusting prewurt. She don’t love me anymore.”

“Mommy still loves you. She knows Daddy forced you. She knows he made you feel like he loved you sometimes when he did bad things to you.”

Andy looked into Todd’s eyes with his own big sleepy, sad ones. “Do you love me?”

Todd saw the small boy who sat on the floor before him. He recognized the pain in his entire being. “I love you,” Todd assured him.

“You won’t hurt me or do bad stuff to me or make me do it to you,” Andy stated more than asked.

“No. I won’t hurt you,” Todd promised. “I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

“Will you hug me?” Andy asked.

Todd nodded. He held his arms out.

Andy inched over and snuggled into Todd.

Todd sat with his arms tightly enclosed around himself. He gently rocked back and forth.

“Are you really gonna tect me?” Andy asked.

“Yeah,” Todd assured him.

“Mommy didn’t tect us. She tried and then drank the booze drink and let Daddy hurt us.”

“Mommy did try, didn’t she?” Todd said sadly. “She should have protected you. She’s the mom.”

“I tected you,” Andy informed Todd. “I came out so Daddy didn’t hurt you.”

Todd started to cry.

Andy looked up at him.

Todd felt two small hands wipe the tears off his face. “It’s okay,” Andy said and put his thin little arms around Todd’s neck. “Now you’re gonna tect me. Will you tect Timmy too. He’s only four. Daddy is real mean to Timmy. He’s my best friend and he gets real scared all the time.”

Susannah and the staff in the room held back their tears as best they could. Andy’s generosity of spirit touched them deeply.

Todd nodded. “I’ll protect Timmy too.”

“I’m real tired,” Andy said with a big yawn. “I’m scared to sleep because Mommy don’t stay with me like she promises and Daddy comes in while I’m sleeping.”

“I get scared to sleep too,” Todd told Andy. “I won’t let Daddy hurt you. You can sleep.”

“Can you see my room and my bed?” Andy asked.

Todd closed his eyes for a few moments. “Yes. I see them. Don’t be afraid. I’ll watch over you.”

“Okay,” Andy said sleepily.

It was clear that Todd’s arms were empty again.

Frank continued to rub Todd’s back. “You made Andy feel very loved, safe and secure.”

“Little kids should feel that way,” Todd responded. He sounded very sleepy himself.

“Hey buddy,” Frank said gently. “How about we get you to your bed so you can have a nap.”

“I’m so sleepy,” Todd admitted. Then he added, “I know how that kid feels. I get so scared of sleeping too.”

“Would it feel better if I sat right by your bed while you napped and watched over you?” Frank offered.

Todd nodded. He looked up at Frank the way Andy had looked up at him. “It’s okay if you still hate me. I know they pay you to be nice to me.”

“Oh Todd,” Frank squeezed him in a gentle hug. “If someone paid me all the money in the world not to like you and care about you I couldn’t do it. You are a wonderful loveable young man. Getting to know you has been one of the great joys of my life. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”

“If I were you I’d take the money and run,” Todd said seriously.

“Nah,” Frank rubbed Todd’s back, “no way. Now let’s get you up.” Frank helped Todd into a standing position.

Todd was weak from the medication and from everything that had occurred.

Angelo rushed over and took Todd’s other arm. “It’s okay to lean on us Todd. Let us do the work. You’ve worked hard enough for the day.”

Todd nodded. His eyes were half closed.

They knew he should be on a gurney or in a wheelchair. They also knew that would upset him, so they dragged more than walked Todd to his room.

*****

After Frank and Angelo had Todd tucked into bed, Susannah gently stroked his head.

“What if I get really, really mad at Téa?” Todd asked. His speech was almost as slurred as Andy’s had been.

“It’s all right to get angry with Téa,” Susannah told him.

“No, I want to hurt my mom and dad. What if I end up wanting to hurt her? Maybe I shouldn’t be around Téa?”

“Honey, not being around you would hurt Téa the most,” Susannah said softly.

Todd looked around. “Maybe Téa thinks she shouldn’t be around me. She’s not here.”

“Carlotta sprained her ankle. Someone from the diner called Téa. She had to take Carlotta to the ER.”

“Oh,” Todd murmured. “At least Delgado’s safe for now.” His eyes closed.

Susannah stroked Todd’s head. “You’re getting there Todd. You really are getting there,” she whispered to her sleeping patient.

*****

“Seven west, Terry speaking,” Terry said as she picked up the phone at the nurses station.

“Hi, Terry, it’s Blair. I’m in the hospital parking lot. Is Téa or Kevin with Todd?”

“Hi, Blair. No. Neither one is here.”

“Then it’s all right if I come up to visit with Todd now?”

“He just had a very difficult session. He was given some medication and he’s sleeping.”

Blair rolled her eyes. She wasn’t surprised to hear that Todd was drugged up. She maintained her politeness. “I won’t disturb him. Can I come up and sit with him for a while? It’s so rare to find a time when Téa and Kevin are not around.” I’m not surprised that they’re both gone at the same time, Blair thought to herself.

“Can you hold on for a minute?” Terry asked. “I’ll check with Susannah.”

Blair drummed her fingers against the steering wheel impatiently as she waited.

“Susannah said you can come on up, as long as you don’t wake Todd.”

“Of course I wouldn’t wake him if he’s asleep.” Blair tried to keep her tone sweet, but her annoyance at the assumption that she would do that seeped in. “I’ll be right up.”

Blair closed the phone. She knew her time with Todd was limited these days. She had no idea if he was lucid or not. If when he woke up he was, and if she managed to have a little privacy with him, Blair planned on letting Todd know that Téa and Kevin were playing him for a fool. She also planned on letting him know that he had a safe place to go to.

Matthew Allen, Blair’s attorney, had just told her that even if she succeeded in casting doubt on Susannah’s ethics and even if she convinced a judge that Viki’s judgment was clouded by her loyalty to Susannah, and therefore she was not a fit guardian for Todd, it would not mean that they would allow Sam to take Todd to live with her at the penthouse. Matthew told Blair that those pictures of Téa and Kevin might help her case, but in all likelihood they would not. If Todd asked that his wife become his guardian that would carry the most weight. Matthew told Blair that Todd saying that he wanted to live at the penthouse with her and Starr would go a long way in helping her case.

“They’re forcing my hand by limiting my access to him. I have to make my move the very next chance I get.” Blair said out loud. She hoped she wouldn’t have to tell Todd what she suspected about his doctor. She didn’t want to hurt him that way and destroy his trust even more than it had already been destroyed. “I hope it doesn’t come to that, but if it does . . . oh Todd, I’m doing this for you, for you and for our little girl. I hope I can get you to understand that.”

TO BE CONTINUED