PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT THOSE PARTS OF THIS CHAPTER CAN BE EMOTIONALLY TRIGGERING TO SOME.
PREVIOUSLY…
Blair thought about this for a minute. She wondered if she missed her chance. Even without the knowledge of what transpired between Sam and Garret, Blair feared Sam might be too unstable now for any judge to give him sole guardianship, even if she did promise to be there for Todd. Blair was terrified that if Viki was proven an unfit guardian and Sam was too, Todd would end up with a state appointed guardian making all decisions for him. Then something else occurred to Blair. What if they gave Téa sole guardianship of Todd? Téa volunteered to allow Viki to be Todd's guardian. As Todd's wife she could ask the court to appoint her. Oh god, Blair thought. She took a deep breath. Sam is all I have. He's the only one who can make this work. He can testify to all the carrying on he's seen between Téa and Kevin. It won't be just my word and the pictures I have. If only Sam can hold himself together until we get Todd away from them . . . away from all of them, and back to me and our little girl.
*****
Dorian blotted her eyes. She knew what it was to have a child taken away. She knew what it was to be the abused child. Her mind was spinning. She could hardly digest all that she had learned. It slowly sank in. "Oh my god," Dorian exclaimed. "Todd was sent to that life of hell because of Viki. Because she went there that day and . . . oh my god,” Dorian squeezed her eyes shut, “because she refused to leave Joe and raise Todd if it meant returning to that sick bastard.” Dorian shuddered. "Even I would not wish knowing that on her."
*****
A tear cascaded down Blair's cheek. "You're the only one who thinks so." Blair drank this glass of wine down just as quickly. "You tell me. You tell me RJ Gannon. Am I such a horrible person? Am I really someone who is incapable of loving someone unselfishly and putting them first? Am I someone who can only be turned to when you need some shit done that everyone else is too good for? Is there something so wrong with me that I can't be thought of like a daughter too? Am I someone who will always end up hurting the people I think I love? Do I only think I care about and love people, when the truth is that I can't really love anyone but myself?" Blair laughed. "Oh, yes! Oh, yes indeed! I really love myself!"
"You should love yourself. We all need to love ourselves Ms. Cramer."
"Manning," Blair corrected him. "Blair Manning."
"Oh," RJ nodded knowingly. "So you and Todd are back together?" RJ asked, knowing it was not true.
Blair looked down at the bar. "Not exactly."
"Blair, you are much too fine a woman to wait around for a man who's with someone else."
"Todd is not! . . . Todd is too sick to know what he wants."
*****
Susannah could see Rachel felt awkward and it was difficult for her to get it out.
"Aunt Susannah, I know how much Téa loves Todd, but I also know that Todd is very sick and has been for a long time. People get lonely . . . they . . ." Rachel paused for a moment and took a deep breath. "What I'm trying to ask is if there's anything going on between Téa and Kevin?" Rachel finally asked bluntly. She said the words quickly before she stopped herself from asking.
*****
Sam was more confused than ever. Susannah seemed to be trying to make things right between him and Pete. Once again Sam wondered if he could be so wrong about her and about everything, or was this still some kind of plot? Viki gently placed her hand on Sam’s shoulder. He pulled away harshly. “I’m going to the lie down.” Sam walked away without waiting for a response.
*****
Susannah and Dave stood close to the bed. They knew one of Andy's favorite means of escape was to crawl under the bed. Right now he was taking his refuge under the sheet and blankets.
"Andy, do you think you can come out from under there and talk to us?" Susannah coaxed.
She saw Andy shake his head.
"Can you tell me how being under there helps you?" Susannah pressed.
"It's like being dead and in the dark." Andy replied in a muffled voice.
Susannah saw the pained expression on Viki's face. "Do you want to be dead?" Susannah asked Andy.
"Uh huh," Andy replied.
"Do you think about hurting yourself?" Susannah continued.
"Un huh.” They could see Andy's head nod under his protective cover.
"Do you think about how you will hurt yourself?" Susannah asked.
"I'm gonna take a big knife and cut my boy parts off and then I'm gonna cut my tongue off and then push the knife in my heart and then cut my head off."
*****
“Todd, you’re more a man than any other man I’ve ever known and probably more than any other man I will ever know. I told you before and I’ll tell you another thousand times if you need me to. You will never rape again. I know it. You did nothing to your mother that you weren’t forced to do. You were a little boy, Todd, a little boy. You were younger than Starr when your father started to force you to abuse your mom. If, god forbid, Starr or any child were forced to do what you were forced to do, would you place the blame on them? Would you call Starr or that child a pervert?”
Tears welled up in Todd’s eyes and slid down his cheeks. He shook his head. “No.” Todd threw his arms around Téa and rested his head on her shoulder. “Delgado, I hurt so much. I don’t know how much more I can take.”
*****
Todd held onto Téa. He was trembling. He rested his head on her shoulder. "I'm scared. Make her go away."
"Her? The voice is a woman's voice?"
Todd nodded against Téa's shoulder.
Téa encased Todd in her arms. He continued to tremble. "I won't let her hurt you. I won't let her hurt anyone."
"She says I have to be punished," Todd whispered.
*****
Todd held on tightly to Téa. He stared deeply into her eyes.
Téa recognized something she hadn’t seen in Todd’s eyes in a long time. She saw hope.
Téa and everyone in the room were shocked when Todd suddenly pulled away from her. Their look turned to horror.
“Todd! Oh my God! Todd! What’s happening! Help him! Todd! Oh my God! Help him! Help him!” Téa cried out.
***** Téa and Viki looked on in horror as Todd lay on the floor clawing and slapping himself. He pounded the back of his head into the carpeted dayroom floor. He punched himself in the groin, hard. Todd’s body was writhing in agony as he screamed, “STOP! MAKE HER STOP. IT HURTS! HELP ME. MAKE HER STOOOOOP!”
It was clear that Todd was not trying to hurt himself. An alter was attacking him or forcing him to hurt himself. The staff acted quickly. They pulled Todd into a physical restraint.
“No!” a voice they had never heard before said. The voice was low and filled with anger and pain. Yet there was a pleading quality to it. It was evident that this alter was on a mission. “No! Don’t stop me. It has to be done. He has to be punished. He has to be punished for everything he’s done and everyone he’s hurt. I’m trying to help him. Don’t you see? I’m trying to help him find forgiveness. He’s evil. He’s a disgusting pervert. He needs to be punished for that. He’s a rapist. He does hideous things to women. He must be punished before he can be free to touch another woman. He has to know what it feels like. Let go of me. I’m trying to help him! I’m trying to help the child and the boy too.”
“The child and boy?” Susannah inquired. “Which child and boy are you referring to?”
“I’m sorry. Oh God, I’m sorry. Please. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Don’t hate me. Please don’t hate me. You can hurt me. I deserve it. Let go of her. Let her punish me. I deserve it. I deserve it. Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me. You can hurt me. I’ll hurt me. Don’t leave me!” Todd cried out.
Those holding Todd could feel the difference as Todd and this alter switched.
“Todd,” Susannah said firmly, yet gently. “I want you to go inside. I want you to go to Papa. Goodone, please take Todd inside with you.”
Todd remained out. He continued to cry out and fight their hold. He begged to be punished. It was apparent that even when they couldn’t hear this alter, Todd could.
“You all said it wasn’t my fault. It is! She blames me. She wants to see me punished too.”
They recognized Ritchie’s voice.
“You must let go of us. You must allow them to pay the price for what they’ve done,” the newest alter to come out pleaded angrily.
“Tell us who you are?” Susannah asked.
There was no response other than Todd’s continued cries.
“All of you need to stop struggling. We are not going to allow you to hurt Todd or anyone or allow anyone to hurt himself. You are not doing Todd or Ritchie or yourself any good by continuing to fight us. You need to calm down,” Susannah tried reasoning.
“NO!” The alter cried out. “You have to. Todd is evil. They are all evil. It’s for their own good. God sent me to help them find forgiveness. Let go!”
“I don’t want to be here. Let me go back,” Ritchie pleaded.
“Your punishment is not over,” the female alter stated firmly.
Todd, Ritchie, and the female alter’s struggling increased. They were all were able to hear each other. It seemed that Ritchie and Todd were beyond being able to hear the staff. They were certainly beyond being able to calm on their own if they could hear.
Susannah ordered heavy sedation.
Before Janet came back with the medication, they heard Andy’s voice. “I’m a bad boy. I’m a disgusting prewurt. You hate me. I’m gonna kill myself with the big knife. I’m gonna cut my boy parts off and then I won’t be able to be Daddy’s good boy no more and a disgusting prewurt no more.” Andy looked at the male techs that were helping to keep Todd’s body in the hold. “No! I don’t want you to! No! Let go! Mommy! Mommy! Don’t do stuff to me. Mommy! Mommy don’t hate me. I’ll be good. I won’t touch myself no more. I’ll only be daddy’s good boy. Mommy, I’m sorry. I’ll stick the big knife in me so I’ll be dead and then I won’t be a bad boy no more! Let go! Mommy!”
“Andy, it’s Doctor Hanen. We’re holding you to keep you safe. No one is going to hurt you or do things to you. Relax. Shhhhh.”
Todd, Andy, Ritchie and the female alter continued to cry out and fight the hold.
Susannah knew that now, with Andy in the picture, medicating them just became more complicated. What would be needed to sufficiently calm Todd, Ritchie and this obvious adult female alter would be too strong for Andy to tolerate. Susannah didn’t tell Andy to go back inside. She knew he would interpret that as rejection and proof that he was disgusting and hated.
Suddenly Susannah realized what Todd, Ritchie and Andy all had in common. The pieces fell into place. Susannah had an idea who this alter was.
“Andy, is your mommy or someone who looks like your mommy here?” Susannah asked.
There was no response. Andy, like Todd and Ritchie, was beyond hearing her. They were all lost in their own agony.
When Janet came back with the medication, Susannah gave her orders for a medication that Andy could tolerate instead. She hoped would be enough to give Todd, Ritchie and the female alter some relief.
Viki and Téa both knew enough to stand by quietly and not interfere.
Janet returned with the medication. The staff rolled Todd and Janet injected him. Only Andy cried out when he felt the needle go in.
Soon Andy stopped struggling and crying. For a split second Todd’s body became limp in their arms and his eyes closed, as Andy fell into a deep sleep.
Todd’s eyes opened again. “You left us alone when you got drunk. You let him hurt us and you let him make us hurt you,” Ritchie argued. He was calm. His speech was slightly slurred and his eyes were half closed. The medication was having an effect on him.
Todd started to calm slightly. His breathing became heavier. He was still crying, whimpering and begging them to let him go so he could take his punishment. He received minimal benefit from the shot his body had been given.
The female alter continued to protest and struggle. The medication had little effect on her. She did seem to become more aware of her surroundings. She made eye contact with Susannah and some of the staff that was holding her. They saw fury and pain in her eyes.
“Can you tell us your name?” Susannah asked.
“Bitsy.”
Viki gasped when she heard this from where she stood watching.
“What? Who’s Bitsy?” Téa whispered anxiously.
“Bitsy was Barbara Manning’s nickname,” Viki whispered back. “This alter is or represents Todd’s mother.” Viki remembered the Victor alter that lived inside her. She remembered how he sought revenge on her and caused her to hurt herself. “She can be dangerous to Todd,” Viki added.
“Oh God,” Téa declared. She took Viki’s hand as the two women continued to watch, helpless to stop what was happening to Todd.
“Bitsy,” Susannah began. “I understand why you are very angry. Do you understand that it was Peter Manning who hurt Todd’s mother? It was not Todd, Andy or Ritchie.”
“It was! They are vile disgusting boys. God hates them for what they’ve done. He sent me to help them become good boys. I will. It’s my job.”
“Does God speak to you?” Susannah asked.
“Yes! He has instructed me. I know what I have to do. You should not interfere. They will continue to bring pain suffering and death to everyone they touch if they are not punished. They will burn in hell if they do not accept their punishment. Todd uses his body to hurt people. He must pay for that. The other two have used their bodies in a disgusting and perverted manner. They must all pay if they are to be saved.”
“Let her help me. I want her to forgive me,” Todd cried out weakly. “I’ll always hurt everyone I care about. Let her help me. Let go,” Todd begged.
“You are not repentant,” the female alter spoke angrily.
“I hate you,” they heard Ritchie’s voice. “Our mother was supposed to protect us. She was supposed to keep us from getting hurt. She left us. She left us every night and then she left us for good. She’s the one that should be punished!”
The rage that had been unleashed during Ritchie’s last session had apparently stayed with him. What he’d been told about everything he’d been forced to do not being his fault had stayed with him too. This was a good thing. Ritchie was fighting back. What worried them about this was what Bitsy’s reaction would be to Ritchie’s attitude.
“There will never be peace for you if you do not accept your punishment. I don’t want to hurt you. I have to. It is his will. You are evil. I must break that evilness inside you. It is my job to save you along with the others,” Bitsy stated in a low, frightening tone. Her efforts to free herself from their hold increased. She was determined to carry through whatever punishment she had in store for Ritchie, and probably for Todd and Andy as well.
“Bitsy.” Susannah spoke firmly. “You need to calm down and stop trying to hurt the others and stop trying to get them to hurt themselves. They are not disobeying you. We will not allow you to hurt them. We will not allow them to hurt themselves. If you continue this way, we will be forced to place Todd’s body in restraints. If that happens, you will be in restraints too. I don’t think you want that.”
“I’m trying to help them,” Bitsy insisted.
“I know you are,” Susannah acknowledged. “This is not the way. We can talk about what you are feeling and you can hear how sorry Todd, Ritchie and Andy are for what happened. Peter Manning forced them. They did not want to hurt their mother. Todd is very sorry for the rapes. He has worked hard and he will never do that to another woman.”
“Todd wants to touch the young woman he loves. I’ve had to stop him several times before he hurt her. His touch will mean pain for her and anyone who is good and decent. He hurts women. That’s what he does. He hurt that young Saybrooke woman and Carol Swift. He wanted to rape that woman he was married to and he punched the woman he loves. It is time for him to face his punishment so he can love his wife without hurting her. Otherwise, she is doomed.” Bitsy explained wearily. Her struggling lessened. It was exhaustion from that struggle that was quieting her down more than the medication.
“Please! I don’t want to ever hurt Téa again. Please, I have to do what she says. I don’t want to hurt Téa,” Todd begged. His speech was becoming more slurred.
Téa started to go to Todd. Terry looked up and motioned her back.
“Bitsy,” Susannah began. “I promise you Todd will not hurt Téa or any other woman. Todd is working very hard in therapy. He never again hurt anyone the way he hurt Carol and Marty. He never hurt Téa again. Todd did not set out to hurt his mother. He was forced. He had no choice. He was a little boy. Peter was a physically strong adult.”
“Our mother should have protected us,” Ritchie repeated. His voice was very weak. The staff felt Todd’s body go limp in their arms for another moment.
“Ritchie?” Susannah called out. “Ritchie?” He was gone. It did not seem that he’d just fallen asleep. Susannah was worried.
“I’m here to do the work of God,” Bitsy whispered. “Their souls need to be cleansed of evil. They will continue to bring pain and suffering to those they love and touch if I’m not allowed to help them.”
Todd looked around frantically. “No, no! Where is she? Where is she? She wanted to help me. She wanted to help me. What did you do? Oh God. She was going to help me so I’d never hurt Téa or anyone. Where is she?” Todd’s struggling increased.
“It’s going to be all right Todd,” Susannah said soothingly. “You don’t deserve to be punished. None of you do. We’ll help Bitsy understand that.”
Todd sighed wearily. “What’s the use? No matter what I do or try, nothing will ever be right for me. It doesn’t matter. I’m cursed. I’m being punished for thinking things could get good. I never should have let myself think that. God hates me. Nothing will ever change that.” Todd stopped fighting the hold. It wasn’t so much that he was calming. It was more like he was giving up. Slowly, the staff each released their hold on him. Todd looked up at Susannah. “I’m so tired. Why am I so tired?”
“You were given some medication to help you calm down,” Susannah reminded him. “You’ve had a hard day too honey. How about we get you to your bed and you can sleep for a while?”
“Whatever,” Todd mumbled.
Jeff and Frank helped Todd up. He was unsteady on his feet. They each held onto one of his arms as they walked slowly.
Todd kept his head hung. When he passed Viki and Téa, he stopped. He walked over to Téa.
Téa saw tears brimming in Todd’s eyes. “Querido, it will be all right.”
Todd smiled sadly. His lips quivered as he tried to hold back the tears. He reached out his hand to touch Téa’s cheek. Before he made contact with her, he closed his hand and pulled it back. “I want so much to protect you. I never wanted it to touch you.”
Téa wanted to hold him. She knew he couldn’t tolerate that right now. “The only thing that has touched me is your love. Todd, please believe that.”
Téa looked into Todd’s eyes. She couldn’t find a trace of the hope that had been in those pain filled eyes less than half an hour ago. “Would you like me to stay with you until you fall asleep?” she asked. “I can sit by your bed. I won’t touch you if you don’t want me to.”
Todd wanted that. He wanted that desperately. His need to punish himself in some way was stronger. “No. You stay with Viki or go home or go to work or do whatever it is normal people do.” Todd turned to Frank. “Please get me to my room. I don’t feel good.”
“Sure buddy, let’s go,” Frank said gently. He and Jeff tightened their grip on Todd’s arms. He was weaker than he had been. With his head hung again, they half walked, half carried him to his bed.
Viki placed her arm around Téa’s shoulders. “Honey, you know Todd’s pattern is steps backward for each step forward. There are bound to be setbacks.”
A flash of the dream Téa had about Todd dying in her arms passed through her mind. Fear filled her being. Téa took a deep breath. The fear was replaced with anger. She faced Viki. “I’m not going to let Bitsy, Saber or anyone or anything else take Todd away from me. I’ll face whatever or whoever comes along and I will deal with it. I don’t like losing. I’m not about to start with Todd.”
Viki saw the fierce determination in Téa’s face. She hugged the young woman to her. “I believe that. I never stop being thankful for the day you became firmly planted in Todd’s corner. He’s fought so hard all his life. When he becomes too tired to fight, he knows he can give up and rest for a little while because now he has you there to help him fight.”
Téa hugged Viki back. “He has all of us. Together we are stronger than everything Peter and Barbara Manning did to him.”
Viki’s eyes glazed with anger. “And my father . . . don’t leave him out. He’s the one who set all of this in motion. He’s the one who never gave Todd a chance. He condemned his own child to a life of agony.” Viki started to tremble.
Téa held her tightly. “They won’t win Viki, none of them will. Most of the time Todd’s strength is more powerful than all of ours put together. When it’s not, he has our strength to count on. Todd knows what you overcame. Whether he realizes it or not, you give him hope.”
Viki squeezed Téa’s hands. No further words were exchanged. The two women knew they would fight together with everything they had. They knew that was a lot. They were strong. They would be Todd’s wall of strength when his own defenses were down.
*****
Dorian rested her bag near the front door. She placed her keys and purse on a nearby table. She felt drained and shaken. Her mind had been going a mile a minute on the flight home and on the cab ride from the airport. The disclosures James Porter made were fresh in her mind. Dorian looked at her watch. It was only a little past six-thirty in the evening. She felt like she’d been gone for days.
“Welcome back Mrs. Hayes,” one of the maids greeted Dorian. “We didn’t expect you back until tomorrow.”
“I was able to get my sister settled down. There was no point in staying overnight. Is Mr. Hayes home?” Dorian asked.
“No, he called and said he would be home around nine. He had to attend a press conference. It was something about the scandal that congressman is involved in.”
Dorian was relieved Mel would not be home for a while. She needed time to get herself together. Mel would know something was wrong.
“Would you like some dinner?” the maid asked.
“No, no thank you. I may have something later, when Mr. Hayes gets home. Have there been any messages for me?”
“No. No one’s called.”
“I’ll be in the library,” Dorian said wearily. “Please take my bag upstairs and unpack it.”
“Yes ma’am,” the maid answered and headed upstairs with the bag.
*****
Blair checked her hair and lipstick in the rear view mirror before she left her car with the valet. As soon as she walked into Club Indigo her eyes scanned the room for RJ. She spotted him talking to a couple seated at one of the tables closest to the bar.
Blair walked past the table, making sure RJ saw her. She continued on to the bar and sat on one of the stools.
“What can I get you?” Wendi the mixologist, as she liked to call herself, asked.
“I’ll have a white wine,” Blair answered. “Is RJ working behind the bar tonight too?”
“It’s early. He likes to shmooze with the customers when things are quiet,” Wendi replied.
Blair forced a smile. She wondered if that was all RJ was doing with her a couple of nights ago, schmoozing with a customer.
RJ had not come to the bar in the time it took Blair to finish her drink.
“Screw this,” Blair mumbled to herself. She threw some money on the bar and stood up, ready to leave.
“Leaving already,” RJ said, startling Blair.
She turned around to find him standing right behind her. “I came in for a drink. I had a drink. What reason would I have to stay?” Blair replied coldly. She couldn’t understand why she felt angry with RJ. After all, he was under no obligation to favor her over any other customer.
“Oh, I don’t know. I thought you might want to stay around and hear the new band that’s playing here tonight. They’re into the old Big Band classics, with a slightly new sound.”
“Maybe some other time. I’m not really in the mood for music tonight,” Blair responded.
“Now I am always in the mood for music, good music. If I’m feeling good, sometimes I want the music to make me feel even better. If I’m sad, I might listen to music that will make me feel sadder.”
“If you’re sad you want to feel worse?” Blair didn’t understand.
“Not worse, it just lends to the mood. There’s nothing wrong with feeling sad, if you have something to feel sad about . . . even if you don’t . . . sometimes it helps to just let yourself feel sad.”
Blair looked into RJ’s eyes.
“Now tonight, you look like you feel very sad, but want to feel anything but.”
Blair’s lips trembled. “It hasn’t been one of my better days,” she admitted.
RJ looked at his watch. “There are still a few hours of today left. Let’s see if we can change things.” RJ whispered something to Wendi. She smiled and left the bar.
A few moments later Blair heard the sound of the band.
“Ah, dancing to good music always helps to chase away those blues,” RJ said and smiled. He held his hand out. “May I have the honor of this dance Mrs. Manning?”
Blair was shocked at first. Then she graciously gave RJ her hand and allowed him to lead her to the dance floor. Blair couldn’t remember the last time she had danced with anyone. Then it came to her. It was with Todd, on the yacht, right after she sang to him and right before Carlo Hesser gave her proof that it was Todd who kidnapped Starr. No! Blair thought to herself. Not tonight. Not right now. She decided to push thoughts of Todd out of her mind for just these few minutes. Blair listened to the band singer as she and RJ danced slowly.
“Blue moon you saw me standing alone
Without a dream in my heart
Without a love of my own
Blue moon, you know just what I was there for
You heard me saying a prayer for
Someone I really do care for
And then suddenly appeared before me
The only one my arms could ever hold
I heard somebody whisper please adore me
And when I looked that moon had turned to gold
Blue moon, now I'm no longer alone
Without a dream in my heart
Without a love of my own”
Blair couldn’t help herself as tears slowly made their way down her cheeks.
RJ handed her his handkerchief. “Like I said, sometimes it’s okay to just let yourself be sad. Then it might be just as okay to let yourself find something that could put a smile back into your eyes. Those green eyes of yours should be smiling more often Blair.”
“Maybe they should,” Blair agreed. She dabbed her eyes one more time. She handed the handkerchief back. “You are a wonderful dancer RJ Gannon.”
“I’m always at my best when I have a good partner,” RJ stated.
Blair smiled. “I came here tonight to thank you for being so kind the other night. Now it looks like I may have to come back again to thank you for the kindness you showed me tonight.”
RJ returned Blair’s smile. “I’d like to tell you that no thanks are necessary. I only treated you the way you deserve to be treated . . . the way you should expect to be treated. I won’t tell you that. Then you might not come back to thank me for tonight.”
Blair laughed. “A lady always says thank you.”
Much to her surprise, Blair suddenly realized something. As old fashioned as it seemed, RJ did make her feel like a lady, at least what Blair’s idea of a lady was. He made her feel soft and feminine. He made her feel respected. That was something Blair never felt before. Max made her feel like he was doing her a favor by loving her. He also made her feel a little like what she thought of as ‘trailer trash.’ Mostly, he made her feel like a whore. Cord made her feel like she could never be good enough to be a part of his world. Todd made her feel like a queen in some ways. He made her feel loved in some ways. Yet she never felt respected. It always went back to that most pathetic, two losers thing that started their relationship. She knew that even at their closest that was the way Todd saw her. She pulled too much garbage on Todd for him to ever learn to feel any other way about her. Blair knew she was the one person Todd knew was no better than he.
“And a gentleman always reciprocates. I’d like to thank you for this dance and for brightening up my club and my evening. Unfortunately, whenever I’m here, it’s a working night for me. Some night, would you like to go somewhere where neither of us is on duty?”
Blair smiled coquettishly. “RJ Gannon, are you asking me out on a date?”
“That depends?”
“Depends on what?” Blair played along.
“If you’ll go out on a date with me, than yes, I am asking you out on a date. If you are not ready for that, than I am asking you to share a meal, perhaps a movie, or some more good music, with someone who could just use some good company.”
Blair thought for a few seconds. “I wouldn’t feel right going out on a date. Things are unsettled.” Despite his attempt at keeping things light, Blair could see disappointment in RJ’s eyes. “I don’t see anything wrong with two people keeping each other company. I think that would be nice.”
RJ smiled. He knew Blair’s emotional attachments to Todd were still strong. He appreciated that. All he wanted right now was companionship. Life had been lonely and without excitement for him for him since Jakara left Llanview. “How about I call you in a few days and we can take it from there?”
Blair nodded in agreement. “I’d like that.” After an awkward pause, Blair said, “I’d better be going. I like to help Starr with her homework, although she’s already smarter than I am.”
“Then your little girl must be at the top of her class,” RJ commented.
Blair laughed. “Actually she is.”
“Is your car outside?” RJ asked.
“I couldn’t get a space nearby. The valet has to get it for me.”
“It’s a beautiful night. I’d like to get a little fresh air. May I wait with you?”
“Why yes you may, Mr. Gannon,” Blair replied, exaggerating her southern accent. Both she and RJ laughed. RJ made Blair feel like some of the southern belles she read about as a child.
Before Blair and RJ had a chance to leave, Rachel and Kevin walked up to them. RJ was happy to see that they seemed to have made up. Rachel had been in an awful mood the past couple of week.
“How’s my favorite uncle?” Rachel asked lovingly. She kissed RJ’s cheek.
“You mean your only uncle,” RJ kidded her.
“RJ,” Kevin nodded a greeting to Rachel’s uncle. “Blair, I’m surprised to see you here,” Kevin said with an edge of accusation in his voice.
Blair turned to Kevin. Her eyes blazed with anger. “And why is that, Kevin!”
Kevin shrugged. “No reason. I just haven’t seen you out much in the past few months.”
“I stopped in for a glass of wine on my way home from the paper. Is that so shocking?”
“I didn’t say I was shocked,” Kevin responded with a smirk on his face.
Blair returned the smirk. “I’m surprised you’re not at the hospital, hovering around Téa . . . oh excuse me. I meant to say Viki.” Blair turned to Rachel. “That wine went right to my head.”
Rachel glared at Blair for a second before she turned back to Kevin. “I’m going to freshen up.” She left for the restroom.
“See you around Blair. I’m sure,” Kevin added sarcastically. He headed for his table.
“Always a pleasure Kevin,” Blair called after him, just as sarcastically.
Wendi tapped RJ on the shoulder. “The two guys at table four want to talk to you about throwing a bachelor party here next month.”
“Please tell them I needed to leave and I’ll be with them in about fifteen minutes.”
“No, Wendi. You tell them Mr. Gannon will be right with them.” Blair faced RJ. “You take care of your customers. I need to freshen up a bit myself before I leave.”
As soon as RJ walked away, Blair rushed to the restroom. When she walked inside, Rachel was fixing her hair. Blair pretended to fix her own.
“So, are you and Kevin dating again?” Blair asked Rachel.
Rachel gave Blair a ‘What the hell business is it of yours’ look, as the two women stared at each other in the mirror. However, she answered her politely. “Kevin and I are out on a date.” She emphasized ‘a.’
“Oh.” Blair feigned surprise. “That must be a little awkward?”
Rachel turned away from the mirror and faced Blair. “Why would that be awkward?”
Trying to sound innocent, Blair answered, “I just meant with you and Téa being best friends . . . you are still best friends with Téa?”
“Téa and I are very good friends. Why would that make either of us feel awkward?”
Blair forced her most earnest look. “Rachel, you’re a very nice person. I know how good you were with Adam. I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”
“Why would I get hurt? All right Blair. You’re obviously trying to tell me something. Why don’t you just spit it out!”
“I wouldn’t get too involved with Kevin if I were you, unless Téa has you helping out as a beard?”
“A beard? What the hell are you talking about?”
“That’s someone who poses as a romantic interest of someone to throw the world off, so they won’t know whom that person is really involved with.”
“I know what a beard is! For God sake Blair, are you out of your mind? Téa practically lives at the hospital. She would give her life for Todd. Kevin and Téa have no romantic feelings for each other.”
“I know you want to believe that.”
“I believe it because it’s true.”
“Kevin and Téa have had some pretty hot times together. You do know that?”
“That is ancient history,” Rachel stated firmly.
“More like current events,” Blair retorted.
Rachel stared at her for a few seconds. “If you have something to say about Kevin and Téa, why don’t you just come out and say it.” Rachel remembered her own suspicions. She had since written them off as ridiculous. Now Blair made her once again wonder about their validity.
Blair was not about to let Rachel know about the pictures she had or the suspicious things she had seen. “I’ve heard some things. Look, Rachel, I have nothing against you. I’m just telling you to watch your back where your best girlfriend and your date are concerned.” Blair emphasized the word date.
Rachel retrieved her purse from the vanity. She faced Blair. Her expression was one of outrage. “Thank you for the warning. Next time why don’t you keep your paranoid suspicions to yourself!” Rachel pushed the door opened angrily and left the restroom.
“Just trying to help you, sweetie,” Blair called out after her. Blair looked in the mirror and smiled to herself.
*****
After Todd had been taken to his room, Viki persuaded Téa to go back to her hotel room. She promised she or the staff would call her immediately if Todd wanted to see her. Téa protested at first. She turned back twice after she brought herself to leave, once when she got to the elevator and again as she neared the door to the street. Finally she realized Viki was right. Todd needed some space right now. She would give it to him.
*****
Sam was lying on his bed, face up, staring into space, when Viki got back to the lounge. She told him about everything that happened after he left. She expected a more volatile reaction when she told him about Bitsy. Other than wincing when he heard, Sam didn’t move a muscle. He continued to stare into space. Viki sat on the edge of Sam’s bed and told him about the Victor alter that lived inside of her. She hoped it would help him understand. Sam’s eyes filled with tears. He reached out and stroked Viki’s cheek. Viki squeezed his hand. He looked into her eyes and then went back to staring into space.
After another ten minutes had passed, Sam got up and announced he was going for a walk. As always, he turned down Viki’s offer to go with him.
*****
Todd fell asleep as soon as he was brought to his bed. His sleep was sound for nearly three hours. He didn’t feel the staff giving him his medication or a feeding through his PEG tube. Now his sleep was becoming restless. He seemed to be having another nightmare.
*****
Susannah checked on Todd before she left for the night. He had been sleeping soundly. She headed home to take care of some of the paperwork of day to day living that she usually put off until the last minute, things like her paying her utility bills, insurance payments, going over her bank statement and balancing her checking account. She started with her utility bills and made it to the insurance information when she knew that she couldn’t concentrate. She put all her papers aside. Instead she sat down to write some notes to add to Todd’s treatment plan, now that Bitsy had surfaced and Todd’s co-consciousness with Pete had occurred.
Susannah had been working on her notes for about twenty minutes when her doorbell rang. She thought it might be Bill. He told her he was staying home to put down some flooring in the basement. She thought perhaps he changed his mind. Susannah was shocked to see Sam standing outside her door.
“I-I’m sorry to just drop by. I . . . if this is a bad time . . . I shouldn’t have come to your home,” Sam mumbled.
“Sam, it’s all right. Come on in. If you need to speak with me than I’m happy you came over.”
Sam walked inside. He stood still. He felt awkward.
“Please, sit down wherever you like. Would you like something to eat or drink?”
Sam shook his head.
Susannah motioned to the couch and chairs in the living room. “Let’s sit down,” she tried again. She sensed Sam’s discomfort. He seemed confused as well. Susannah knew if something had happened with Todd, she would have been called. She assumed it was something else.
Sam lowered his body to one of the chairs as if the weight of the world were on his shoulders.
Susannah sat on the couch. She waited for Sam to speak.
“I heard what you said to Pete. I knew you couldn’t see me standing there from where you were. You could have turned him against me, but you didn’t.”
“Why do you think I’d want to turn him against you?” Susannah asked gently.
Sam looked into Susannah’s eyes. He prayed some of his old instinct, to recognize a lie from the truth, would still be there. Then he thought, maybe it was never there to begin with. “Are you trying to keep Todd sick out of revenge for what he did to Nora or because the Buchanan’s are paying you?”
Susannah was not surprised that Sam was thinking this. She looked directly into his eyes. “No, I’m not.”
Sam looked away.
Susannah could see he was trying to decide if he could trust his judgment in her honesty. Susannah rested her hand on Sam’s forearm. “Sam, I’ve had many patients in my career. I’ve cared about all of them. Some of them have been special to me. It’s like that. Some patients just get to you more than others. I’ve never had a patient get to me the way Todd has. I would no more harm him than I would my own child, if I had one.”
Sam continued to look into Susannah’s eyes for several seconds. He saw only truth in them. He saw love for Todd when Susannah spoke of him. Sam’s mind flashed back to a night that had occurred months before, on New Years Eve. He remembered the special date Susannah had set up so he and Viki could bring in 1999 in style. More that that, he remembered walking to Todd’s room sometime after one in the morning and seeing Susannah sitting on the bed, sound asleep, with Timmy, also sound asleep, snuggled contently in her arms. Sam remembered all the nights Susannah sat in a chair next to Todd’s bed when he was physically ill or in a crisis. He remembered her fierce determination to keep the Chicago police from finding out about Michelle until Todd could be cleared of any kind of blame in her murder. He remembered Susannah’s offer . . . if they needed to hide Todd, she would help and be there for him.
Sam’s eyes filled with tears. “I’m sorry.”
Susannah took his hand. It was as cold as Todd’s hands could get when he was frightened. “You have nothing to be sorry for. I’d rather you ask me what you did than have you wonder about it. I think you know it’s a good thing to talk about what you’re feeling. I’m very happy that you felt you could come to me and ask.”
“Things are . . . I’ve made so many mistakes . . . I . . . I used to trust my instincts . . . they were so wrong . . . Todd was being tortured day and night and I didn’t see it. I didn’t let myself see it. My kids were turning out to be selfish, self-centered brats. They were growing to hate both their mother and me. I missed that too. How can I trust myself to know what’s true?”
“It’s not always easy. There are times when we all use bad judgment. Todd never came out and told you he was being abused. You had young children of your own. Sam, it was not a cut and dry situation. You did what you thought was right. For more than six years you were the only one Todd had in his life, outside his system, who loved him. You are the closest thing Todd had to a real dad. Don’t discount that. Goodone learned to be such a good father to Todd from somewhere. Todd learned to be a good father to Starr too. I believe things would have turned out worse for Todd if you had not been in his life.”
“I could have saved him six more years of torture. I could have kept Michelle from being murdered. If I had taken Todd out of his home, that night wouldn’t have happened.”
Susannah saw the agony of guilt in Sam’s eyes. “Sam, you knew Peter Manning. It’s possible that he would have backed down once someone knew. It’s possible he would have allowed you to take Todd. I don’t think it was probable. I believe a more likely scenario would have been that Peter would have used his power and influence to make it look like you were doing something illegal. Peter’s income was being greatly supplemented by raising Todd. He was also driven by his needs to do the sick things he did. Who knows what might have happened if he knew you were on to him and you were trying to take Todd. If you tried and failed, things might have been worse for Todd than they were, much worse. If Peter felt threatened enough, he might have forgone his income and killed Todd. He came close to it with Lisa and Sarah, when he felt Todd betrayed him by finding his mother and going to her.”
“I . . .” Sam’s lips trembled. “I’ve made such a mess of things. What if I go to prison? Todd and the others will think I abandoned them. Viki will be left alone. Oh God. What have I done? What have I done?” Sam covered his face with his hands and wept into them. His shoulders shook.
Susannah knelt in front of Sam’s chair and took him in her arms and held him tightly. She gave him silent comfort.
