Garret . . . oh he loved Todd. Todd was his favorite boy toy. So ol' Razor had to come out because Todd couldn't take it! Pete's job was to handle tough . . .
Razor went on. "Once he was alone with Garret, Todd would stick around for some of the beatings sometimes, mostly Pete would take them for Todd, but ya wanna know what made Todd run to his papa and what ol' Razor had to go through? Garret would make us take our clothes off. He'd make us strip in front of him, real slow. Then he'd beat us and he'd make us get down on our knees and beg for him to stop. He'd make us do that for about five minutes while he'd be getting hot. Once Garret was ready, he'd make us rest our forehead against that filthy floor. Then the real fun started. He always liked to start by beating us across the ass with his nightstick. That would get Garret hard. I'd always be the one out by then. Garret would get in back of me and shove his dick into me as hard as he could. Sometimes so hard that I'd fall flat down and my face would smash into the floor and I'd bite my tongue or lip. He'd like that. He liked when I'd bleed. He liked when I'd bleed everywhere. Sometimes he'd use that nightstick of his to make me bleed.
Todd and Pete have both alluded to being hurt in prison. They both shut down whenever I would press the issue."
*****
"Todd, before you get yourself all worked up, why don't you tell us whom you want to call," Frank suggested. "It may be someone on the list. If not, it's still possible you can call this person if we don't feel it will be harmful to you."
"I wanna call my spiritual adviser."
"And who might that be?" Jeff asked.
"Andrew Carpenter," Todd responded with a scowl on his face.
"Do you feel you're in need of spiritual guidance?" Frank asked. He had a feeling Todd was up to something.
"Yes! And I need it right away. You gotta let me call Andrew. He's gotta get here now!"
Susannah saw Todd was in the same clothes as yesterday. "You take your shower and change and I'll call Andrew."
"There's no time for that! You tell Andrew he has to drop whatever he's doing and get over here. You tell him I'll give him a big fat donation if he can get here in fifteen minutes."
"I'll tell him that," Susannah promised. She couldn't hide her smile this time. She would also explain to Andrew that she suspected Todd had an agenda and that he would be helping the situation if he met with him. She needed to know what was going on. Susannah started to leave Todd's room.
"Tell him he can go through the red lights because it's an emergency. I'll pay if he gets a ticket," Todd called after her.
"Looks like you're going to get to have your spiritual guidance after all," Jeff commented.
Todd stared off in thought. "Whatever," he replied. Other things filled his mind. I'll get to see how Delgado reacts when she sees Andrew. I'll bet she'll fall all over him she'll be so happy to see him she’ll forget all about me. He'll feel the same way about her. I'll know when I see them together if there's still something between them. Maybe he can be the one to save Delgado from me? Todd thought. What he didn't admit to himself was that as much as he wanted Andrew to save Téa, he still burned with jealousy at the thought of Téa and Andrew together. Todd did not realize that while his desire to save Téa was genuine and he truly wanted Andrew there for that, he was also testing Téa. He wanted to see if she would still want him if she had a better choice.
"This is it, Delgado," Todd said to himself. "There'll be a surprise waiting for you when you get back. Safety and freedom. Come and get it."
*****
To say Andrew was surprised by Susannah’s phone call was putting it mildly. Andrew knew about Todd’s hospitalization and the DID diagnosis. Viki had filled him in without going into any details that she knew Todd wouldn’t want Andrew to know. As always, Andrew told Viki he would pray for Todd. He always did, with prayers that he meant from the bottom of his heart.
Andrew and Todd had a rocky relationship. Andrew found forgiveness for Todd almost impossible after Todd raped Marty Saybrooke, a woman Andrew cared for deeply. Then Andrew saw the change in Todd. He saw Todd’s struggle for redemption as he confronted some of his demons in therapy sessions with Ray Martino. Andrew found a way to that forgiveness for Todd.
It was years later that Andrew’s heart would once again close to any thoughts of goodness in Todd. Andrew had always had romantic feelings for Téa that he tried to suppress. After Todd threw Téa out into a snowstorm, she tried to love Andrew. She tried to give herself the “normal” calm life she would have with him. Andrew happily and lovingly reciprocated.
It was during this time, when Andrew was in love with Téa and thought that she could love him, that he acted on those negative feelings he harbored for Todd. Unconsciously, Andrew knew it was Todd Téa truly loved. He was not ready to face that. Andrew went as far as giving the police incriminating evidence against Todd, when Todd was falsely accused of raping a young nurse, Barbara Graham. Andrew tried to break up Todd’s marriage to Téa. He told himself it wasn’t only his feelings for Téa that drove him, but also his belief that Todd would hurt her. Andrew believed Todd would hurt anyone that was close to him, except Starr.
Todd had fought back to keep the woman he loved. He exposed Andrew’s feelings for Téa at a memorial service Andrew was presiding at for Ian Armitage, much to Téa’s fury and embarrassment. Todd tried to get Andrew transferred to a parish far from Llanview.
Andrew begged Téa not to go back to Todd for the four-week reconciliation he’d asked for, not even for the promise of an uncontested divorce from Todd if she did. Andrew told her it was for her safety. In his heart, he knew that once she was living with Todd again, she would be lost to him.
Finally, Téa had to admit to Andrew and to herself that he wasn’t the one. Téa knew Todd was in her blood. He was in her brain. Most of all he was in her heart and soul.
After much soul searching, Andrew came to realize that he was the one who needed forgiveness for trying to come between two people that loved each other and for trying to hurt Todd. Andrew realized that in some ways he was not all that different from Todd. He had the need to hurt someone deep within him.
Another incident completed the change in the way Andrew saw Todd. Shortly after Georgie Phillips was murdered, an anonymous donor paid to have Georgie buried in the graveyard at St. James. The donor paid for a tombstone and for lilacs to be placed, daily, on Georgie’s grave. One night Andrew found Todd kneeling over the young woman’s grave. He was talking to her, and to the baby that died inside her when she died. It was then that Andrew realized Todd was that anonymous donor.
Andrew had no idea about Georgie’s connection, in Todd’s mind, to Michelle. It wouldn’t have mattered if he had. Even without this connection to Michelle, Todd still would have wanted Georgie, an outcast like himself, to have a decent burial and to be remembered, even if it were only by the lilacs that were still delivered to her grave, daily.
Andrew told Susannah that he and Todd had a volatile relationship.
Susannah quickly explained to Andrew that she suspected Todd had an agenda. She told him that she felt his visit would be beneficial to Todd’s progress and that it might be the only way for Todd to express what he was feeling. She also told Andrew she would help Todd understand if he felt he couldn’t do this. She didn’t want to place Andrew in an uncomfortable position.
Without another moment’s hesitation, Andrew agreed to the visit. He shook his head and smiled when Susannah gave him Todd’s messages. “Same old Todd,” Andrew said into the phone and laughed. “You tell him no donation is necessary and I may take him up on that offer to pay for any moving violation I get.”
Susannah cautioned Andrew not to carry in anything or keep anything on his person that was sharp or could be used as a weapon in any way.
Andrew understood. He assured her he wouldn’t. He felt deep sadness that such precautions needed to be taken around Todd. Andrew told Susannah he’d be there as quickly as humanly possible.
*****
“Move away from the doors Todd,” Jeff said firmly. Then he gently reminded him, “You know you’re not supposed to be near the doors.”
“He’s not coming!” Todd exclaimed as he took one more look through the door to see if Andrew was walking toward the unit.
Susannah looked at her watch. “It’s only been ten minutes since I called him. He’ll be here.”
Todd walked over to the nurses station. “How long since Téa left?”
“She’s been gone almost twenty-five minutes,” Terry answered.
Todd began to pace near the nurses station. “He’d better get his ass here soon,” he mumbled to himself.
“Can you tell me why it’s so important that Andrew get here before Téa comes back?” Susannah probed.
“I didn’t say it was!” Todd shot back. He continued to pace.
Frank patted one of the lounge chairs. “Come sit down, buddy. Pacing isn’t going to make Andrew get here any faster.”
Todd’s only reply was an angry glare.
“Todd, you’re getting too agitated. Will you take some medication to help you calm down?” Susannah asked.
“No! I need a clear head.”
“It’s difficult to think clearly when you’re very tense and angry. You seem angry to me, are you?” Susannah pressed.
Todd stopped pacing. He ran the fingers of both hands through his hair and pulled it off his face. He took a deep breath. His cheeks puffed out slightly as he exhaled slowly.
“There! I’m fine. Are you happy?”
“Yes,” Susannah answered calmly. “Would you like some juice while you’re waiting?”
Todd gave her a ‘what are you kidding look.’ “No, I don’t want any juice!” Todd went over to Frank. He lifted Frank’s wrist up and looked at his watch. He walked over to Susannah. “How long does it take to do girl stuff in the shower?”
Susannah smiled. “It takes me about ten minutes to shower, fifteen to twenty when I wash my hair.” Susannah informed him.
Todd appeared to be counting. “That’s not long enough!”
“Not long enough for what?” Susannah inquired.
“Do you think there’s a lot of traffic between here and the mall at this time of day?” Todd asked, ignoring Susannah’s question.
“There’s usually quite a bit of traffic at this hour,” Nancy called out. “I stopped there on my way here a couple of days ago and it took me forever to get from the mall to the hospital.”
“So that’s why you were late for work?” Angelo kidded her.
“Okay, okay,” Todd said to himself. “So that’s maybe like an hour to get there and back and maybe ten to twenty minutes for the shower.” He turned back to Susannah. “How long has it been since you called Andrew now?”
Susannah looked at her watch again. “Sixteen minutes.”
“He’s not coming,” Todd murmured again. His head shot up when he heard the buzzer. He saw Andrew waiting to be let in. Todd instinctively started to rush to the door. He caught himself before anyone had to remind him that he wasn’t allowed to do that. “Well don’t just stand there. Let him in,” Todd barked at Terry.
Terry ignored his rudeness and buzzed Andrew in.
As Andrew passed the nurses station he smiled and held out his hand. “Hi, I’m Andrew Carpenter. I’m . . .”
Todd rushed over to him and pulled Andrew’s arm down. “Yeah, yeah. They all know who you are. This isn’t a party. I asked you to come here to talk to me.”
“And how are you Todd?” Even though Andrew was shocked at how thin and pale Todd was his tone remained light. He was happy to see that Todd seemed like himself.
“I’m crazy. They’re all fine.” Todd swept his hand in a motion that encompassed everyone in the area. “Good! Now we’re caught up. I gotta talk to you.” Todd scanned the seating area closest to the doors that led off the unit. “You sit there.” Todd pointed to a chair that was facing the unit doors.
“Wouldn’t you and Andrew be more comfortable in the dayroom?” Frank suggested. “There would be more privacy.”
“This’ll be private enough if you and everyone else can walk away from me for a few lousy minutes,” Todd snapped.
Frank and Jeff looked toward Susannah.
She nodded. Todd did not seem like he needed to be at arm’s length from the staff.
Frank headed for the nurses station and Jeff went to the nearby break room.
Todd plopped down into the chair just to the left of Andrew’s instead of the one facing him. This chair gave Todd an unobstructed view of Andrew and anyone coming in through the unit doors.
There was a strained silence between Todd and Andrew for a few moments.
Andrew broke the silence. “Doctor Hanen told me you said you were in need of spiritual guidance.”
“Huh?” Todd said, turning his attention away from the door. “Oh,” Todd nodded. “Yeah. I am . . . I was . . . I’m over it. There something else I wanna talk to you about.”
“Of course, I’ll discuss whatever you feel the need to discuss with you.” Andrew looked into Todd’s eyes. “I was sorry to hear that you became ill. You have a lot of strength in you Todd, more than most. I believe you have the strength to get well and get your life back.”
“What about you? Do you wanna get your life back?” Todd asked.
Andrew was clearly confused. “My life? I don’t understand.”
“Are you back with Cassie? I heard someone say Kevin was dating Rachel so I guess he’s not with Cassie anymore.”
Andrew was surprised that Todd would bring this up. He decided to answer. “Cassie and I have gotten closer since she and Kevin decided to divorce. We have a child together.”
“Are you and her gonna get married again?”
“No . . . I . . . we haven’t even talked . . . Todd what is this about? Why do you want to know about my relationship with Cassie?”
“No reason. So you’re still up for grabs?”
“What?” Andrew was flabbergasted.
“You know I’m probably gonna be here forever,” Todd said out of the blue.
“Here in the hospital?”
“Yeah, didn’t Téa tell you?”
“No. I haven’t spoken to her in months. Todd. I have spoken with Viki and she said you’re making progress. You need to have faith in yourself and your ability to get well. You . . .”
“Téa never visits you at the rectory?”
“No,” Andrew answered honestly.
Todd studied Andrew carefully. He was trying to decide if Andrew was lying or not. Todd knew if he asked Téa if she saw Andrew she’d tell him the truth. He knew she wouldn’t lie to him. Andrew he was not so sure of.
“Oh that’s right. You like to give Téa her spiritual guidance outside the rectory sometimes. Like out on the town or . . .”
“Todd,” Andrew cut him off. “I haven’t seen or spoken with Téa anywhere for many months. I can’t even remember the last time we did meet or speak with each other.” Andrew took a deep breath. “I know why you’re asking me this.”
“You do?” Todd felt anxious.
“It’s because of the way I tried to break up your marriage. Todd. I’m so sorry. I’ve spent many hours soul searching. I was wrong, very wrong, to have done that. I thought of so many of the things you said to me. Things like I was being a hypocrite. You were right. I was preaching one thing and living as if those rules didn’t apply to me. That is the worst kind of hypocrite. I’m sorry. I hope someday you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”
Todd stared at Andrew for a few seconds. “I know what it’s like to love Delgado.”
“I know you do,” Andrew confirmed. “I do know that you love her Todd. I also know she loves you. She loves you with all her heart and more powerfully than I’ve ever known anyone to love someone before.”
“Yeah her bad luck,” Todd mumbled and turned his stare away from Andrew.
“Luck had nothing to do with love. Téa sees things in you that make her love you.”
“Delgado’s been hit on the head a few times.”
Andrew shook his head and smiled sadly. “What Téa feels has nothing to do with brain injuries.”
Todd turned back to Andrew. “You still care about her right?”
“About Téa?”
“Yeah.”
“Yes,” Andrew admitted. “I always will. I care about you too.”
“I’ll bet,” Todd mumbled under his breath.
“Todd,” Andrew rested his hand on Todd’s arm.
Todd looked down at Andrew’s hand and back up at Andrew. From the look in Todd’s eyes, Andrew could tell he invaded Todd’s personal space. He quickly removed his hand.
“Todd,” Andrew began again. “I never wanted to see the goodness in you that Téa and Viki saw. Oh, I would see glimpses of it when you were with Starr or with other children. I thought that was as far as any goodness in you went.”
“And now you’re ready to canonize me,” Todd stated sarcastically.
Andrew shook his head. “Now I’m ready to allow myself to see that we’re not as different as I wanted to believe we were. You’re not the only one with a dark side and demons that live there.”
“Maybe we can get a twofer deal on an exorcism,” Todd said with a smile that never made it to his eyes. They remained troubled, sad and angry.
Andrew recognized the pain Todd was in. “I’ve seen the good in you Todd. It’s there, even if you can’t believe it yet.”
“I didn’t ask you to come here to give me absolution.” Todd spat out bitterly.
“I’m not. I’m stating a fact. You taught me a lot about myself. I’m a better man and hopefully a better minister for having known you.”
Todd looked into Andrews eyes. “You can’t save me Andrew. You think you know about the things I’ve done. You don’t have a clue.”
“It doesn’t matter what you’ve done if you’re genuinely sorry that you did it.”
Todd laughed. “Isn’t that convenient? Do horrible disgusting things to someone and then just say, ‘Oh, I’m sorry. Please God. Please forgive me,’ and your slate is wiped clean. You guys think God works that way. You tell that to desperate idiots who want to believe it so they can go out and do the same shit all over again and then come whining to you for absolution.”
Andrew nodded slowly. “That may be true for some people. I like to believe that most people do want forgiveness and never plan to do whatever it is they want to be forgiven for again.”
“You mean you need to believe that or your job is nothing more than getting people to add to the collection plate so they can put up new windows or some crap at St. James.”
Andrew thought about what Todd said for a few moments. “Maybe that’s true. I hope not. I hope it’s because if you’re willing to look hard enough there’s some good in everyone. Everyone is worth saving if they want it.”
“Yeah, well in my case I can cut out the middle man. God doesn’t forgive me. He hates me. He should. I understand why I’m being punished and why I was always being punished. God knew I was born bad and that I was a mistake. That’s why I ended up with Peter Manning for a dad.”
“I know you’ve had a terrible life in some ways. You’ve also had a lot of good things happen to you. You found out you have a sister who loves you dearly. You were blessed with a daughter that loves you more than I’ve ever seen a child love a parent. You were blessed with her twice, once when she was born and again when her life was saved with the bone marrow transplant. You have a friend like Sam, who loves you as if you were his son. You have a wife that loves you and wants to spend the rest of her life with you. It doesn’t sound to me like God or the people in your life have given up on you.”
“Maybe I’m just being set up for the kill?” Todd said softly.
“The kill?” Andrew didn’t understand.
“Maybe I’m being kept around so I can be here to see it.”
“See what?” Andrew asked gently.
“What happens to all of them, everyone you mentioned, when I finally do it?”
“Do what?” Andrew pressed.
“Do something that will hurt them so badly they’ll walk away forever or be destroyed or die.”
“I don’t believe God works that way.”
“Yeah, well maybe you where home sick the day they taught that at the seminary.”
Andrew smiled. “No, Todd, it’s more than that, I don’t believe you’d hurt any of the people I just mentioned.”
“You need to send your faith in for a tune up, Bible Boy. It’s misplaced on me.”
“I don’t think so,” Andrew stayed firm.
Todd looked deeply into Andrews eyes. He smiled. “I get it. You feel guilty over the horizontal spiritual counseling you gave my wife. You think that’s what drove me to this loony bin. Okay, then let me give you absolution Reverend. I not only absolve you for your craving for forbidden fruit. I’m giving you my blessing to put it back on your menu.”
In so many ways Todd was still the same. Andrew didn’t know if that disturbed him or made him feel relief. He knew Todd’s childhood had caused his illness. Yet there were times Andrew wondered if his attempts to break up Todd’s marriage and going to the police with incriminating tales about Todd had contributed to Todd having a breakdown when he did.
“What do you mean?” Andrew questioned.
“I didn’t call you here to save me. I called you here to save Téa.”
“I’m not aware she needs saving?” Andrew responded calmly.
“She has these ideas that are gonna get her hurt or worse.”
“What kind of ideas?”
“That me and her are gonna be okay. That I’m gonna get well and that I’m not really a monster that’ll hurt her in ways she can’t imagine. She thinks we can have a life together . . . a real marriage . . . grow old together . . . all that crap.”
“All that happiness crap?” Andrew guessed.
“Yeah,” Todd confirmed. Tears formed in his eyes.
“And you think that happiness is impossible for you. You think that God or the fates or whatever hates you and will never let you have any of that. You think you don’t deserve it.”
“I don’t think. I know! Téa still believes in fairy tales. Fairy tales that are gonna end up getting her hurt or killed.”
“Téa is one of the smartest people I’ve ever known. She’s not naive. If she believes that you will get well and that both of you can have a good and happy life together she must have good reason,” Andrew pointed out.
“She believes it because she’s got no other choice.”
“Todd I don’t believe that for a minute,” Andrew stated firmly.
Todd looked into Andrew’s eyes again. “You will, if you do what I asked you here for.”
Ah, Andrew thought. We’re finally getting to it. “What is it you asked me here for?”
“Give Delgado a choice.”
Andrew had a good idea what Todd meant. He needed to be sure. “A choice?”
“You said that you and Cassie aren’t really back together.” Todd looked away from Andrew. “Let Téa know that you’re available and still interested.”
“You think she’ll run back to me if I let her know that?” Andrew stated more than asked.
Todd glared angrily at Andrew. “I’m not a moron. You think so too, so you don’t have to humor me.”
“No, Todd. No, I don’t think so at all. In fact I know that Téa would choose you if there were a choice between you and me. I know it because you were the one she chose when there was a choice. You were the one she wanted then and I know you are still the one she wants now.”
Todd’s chin trembled. This was what he wanted to hear and he hated himself for it. He hated himself because he knew he had to make that change if he were going to save Téa. Todd used all his strength to keep himself from crying in front of Andrew.
“Then you make her wanna choose you.”
“No one makes Téa do anything,” Andrew reminded Todd.
“You once loved her enough to wanna save her from me. Did that love just die?” Todd’s voice choked with emotion.
Andrew thought for a few moments. “It changed. I still care very much about her. I still only want what’s best for her and what will make her happy.”
“So you’ll help me make her leave me.”
This was painful for Andrew. Old feelings flooded to the surface. “No. I’m sorry Todd. I won’t help you do that.”
Todd looked down and away from Andrew. “You can give her what she needs.”
“If I were the one who could give Téa what she needs, she wouldn’t have chosen you Todd. You’re what she needs. You fulfill a place in her that I can’t. Man, you don’t get it. You think Téa is only here because you need her? She’s here because she needs you just as much. There’s something missing in both of you that only being with each other can complete.”
Todd stayed quiet for a few moments. Andrew was happy to see that Todd seemed to be processing what he said.
Andrew and Todd turned to the unit doors when they heard a knock.
Téa’s arms were too full to ring the buzzer. She held a large pastry box in them. Balanced on top of it were two smaller boxes. They obstructed Téa’s view. She was not able to see Andrew sitting with Todd.
Frank rushed to the door to open it and help Téa with her packages.
“Thank you,” Téa said when he took the boxes from her. “I brought enough danishes and pastries for everyone. That store has the best ones in town. I also bought some puzzles. I thought Todd and I could them do together.”
Todd’s eyes were locked on Téa as he waited for her reaction to seeing Andrew.
“Is Todd in the dayroom?” Téa asked.
Frank moved out of her view. He pointed to the lounge.
Téa’s eyes filled with surprise when she saw Andrew sitting with Todd. She walked to the lounge.
Téa’s smile was forced. She was obviously uncomfortable and confused. She immediately sensed something was going on. “Hello Andrew. This is a surprise.”
“For me too,” Andrew admitted. “I had no idea I would be coming here today.”
Todd’s eyes never left Téa. He said nothing.
“Did Viki ask you to come here?”
“I asked him to come here,” Todd volunteered.
Téa immediately understood why Todd sent her across town for something he probably didn’t want. “Andrew would you like a pastry from that wonderful little place in the mall? You see Todd woke up with a strong desire for one,” Téa turned to Todd, “didn’t you?”
Todd could tell Téa was on to him. He stared back angrily. “Yeah, desire. Thaaaat’s a great word. Sometimes we can’t get what we desire . . . sometimes we can . . . depends on where we look for it.”
“What are you talking about?” Téa asked calmly.
Todd shrugged. “Pastries. What if when you got to that store in the mall there was a great big ‘Danger! Do Not Enter’ sign on it? What if when you got there, there was a skull and crossbones on the door and it said everything in there would poison you? Would you still want to get inside? Would you still want to fill your desires from that place?” Todd tried to sound innocent. Téa heard the bitterness in his tone.
“Some things in life are worth a risk, if you want them badly enough,” Téa said softly.
Todd continued to stare deeply into Téa’s eyes. “What if you don’t have to take a risk to get what you want? What if right down the street there’s another store that can give you what you need and their stuff is guaranteed to be safe? Now you got a choice.”
Andrew sensed he shouldn’t be in the middle of this conversation. “Uh, Todd, I think I’ll be going. If there’s . . .”
“Wait!” Todd said sharply. He turned his eyes to Andrew. “I gotta talk to you some more. I’ve got some religious questions I need to ask you.”
Andrew looked at Todd with raised eyebrows. “Religious questions?”
“Yeah . . . you know . . . about the meaning of life and all that crap.”
Andrew exchanged quick glances with Téa. “Of course. Would you like to speak with me privately?”
“No. I gotta go talk to Frank in the dayroom first. You wait here with Téa.” Before Andrew could answer, Todd jumped up and headed for the nurses station. Todd grabbed Frank by the forearm. “I need to talk to you, over there.” Todd pointed to the hallway that led to Susannah’s office.
*****
When they got there, Todd stood so that Frank’s back would be to the lounge where Téa and Andrew sat and he would have a reasonably unobstructed view.
Frank was fully aware of what Todd was doing. He went along with it. “So, is there a problem?” Frank asked.
Todd didn’t respond. He peered over Frank’s shoulder at Andrew and Téa.
“Todd. Can you tell me what you wanted to talk to me about?” Frank pressed.
“I’m thinking! What’d you have to catch a bus or something? Can’t I have a lousy few minutes to get my thoughts together?”
“Sure buddy. You take all the time you need. How about we go into the dayroom where we can sit down and be comfortable.”
“I’m comfortable right here. Now can you shut up so I can think?”
Frank decided to play this Todd’s way. He stood silently while Todd raised himself on his tip toes so he could continue to look over Frank’s shoulder.
Frank was encouraged that Todd was able to think clearly enough to manipulate everyone this way. While that was not a healthy way to handle things, it showed that Todd’s thought processes were normalizing. It seemed that, finally, the right medications were in place and Todd was able to benefit from them. With this came better utilization of therapy.
Todd couldn’t hear Téa and Andrew. He could only watch them. *****
Téa sat down next to Andrew. They could not see Todd standing in the hallway with Frank from where they sat. “I’m sorry you got pulled into this,” Téa stated.
“Todd loves you very much. He made that clear to me. He wants to protect you.” Andrew’s hushed tone matched Téa’s.
“Todd’s always been terrified he’d hurt me. He sees me as something he hasn’t completely damaged yet. He wants to keep it that way.”
“He kept talking about choices. Téa, I think Todd asked me here to be your other choice,” Andrew said bluntly.
Téa shook her head. “I understand so much more now. I wish I had known about everything that happened to Todd when we first got together. I would have done so many things differently.”
“It’s that way for all of us. If only we could have known. You know now. Todd seems to be doing all right. Frankly, I was afraid of what I would be facing when I got here.”
“He is doing much better. He’s far from being stable enough to go home.” Téa smiled. “But he is doing so much better. Oh, Andrew, he has been so ill, physically and mentally. There were a couple of times we almost lost him.”
A tear slid down Téa’s cheek. “There are so many alters. Most of them are children, the sweetest most loving children you can imagine. They are all a part of Todd. Some of them are in such torment. They relive the abuse they suffered for Todd. They have flashbacks and feel as if the abuse is happening to them right now. Each of them has his and her own issues, needs and dreams. There are adult alters that care for Todd and for the little ones. There are some adult alters that took abuse for Todd and are filled with rage. There are some that are out to punish Todd. They cause him to hurt himself. I used to be afraid of facing them. I didn’t think I could handle meeting the child alters and I was afraid of some of the adult alters.”
“And now?” Andrew asked.
Téa smiled again. “Now I love and understand all of them. I understand the rage and violence that has always been in Todd. I understand his fears.” Téa laughed. “I understand the way that amazing mind of his works. He understands me too. That’s something I’ve discovered. He understands or instinctively knows what I need and he gives it to me. Then of course he becomes terrified again and tries to sabotage everything. It’s his way of controlling the disaster he believes is waiting there for him. It’s as if Todd has accepted that nothing good will ever happen for him. Or if something good does seem to be happening, he will be punished for feeling any happiness. He believes there is no longer a point in asking for disaster or punishment not to happen. So the best he can hope for is to be the one to control the disaster.” Téa rubbed her forehead. “Am I making any sense?”
Andrew placed his hand on Téa’s arm the way he often did when he spoke to friends or parishioners. “Perfect sense. Todd shoots himself in the foot before someone else has a chance to shoot him. The whole time he was growing up had no control or power to stop bad things from happening. Now he makes the bad things happen himself, so that he feels in control.”
Téa squeezed Andrew’s hand. “Yes! That’s it. That is exactly it. I just came to truly understand this recently. It explains so much. Every time Todd wanted more than the business relationship that we started out with, he felt out of control.”
“So he shot whatever you began to have to hell so that he’d feel in control.”
Téa nodded.
“Todd has to learn to trust himself as much as he has learned to trust you. His asking me to come here proves to me just how much he does trust you?”
“How?” Téa asked.
“Todd believes he wants me to be your safe choice. What he really wants is for you to never leave him, no matter what. He trusts you Téa. He trusts you to choose him, even if you have another choice and even if he thinks that’s what he wants.”
“He set this up as some kind of unconscious way to test me, didn’t he?”
Andrew laughed. “Yes, I think he did.” Andrew shook his head. “I never thought I’d say this. I’m very happy to see that Todd is still Todd in so many ways. I’m not saying I like being manipulated. I guess I’m happy to see that everything Todd has been though hasn’t taken away the things that make him unique.” Andrew’s face turned sad and serious. “I don’t consider myself blameless in all of this. I tried to come between you and Todd. I tried to get Todd sent to prison for a crime he didn’t commit.”
Téa took Andrew’s hand again. “I know I used you. I didn’t realize it when it was happening. I hurt you when you were always, always, a good friend to me. I’m sorry.”
Andrew squeezed Téa’s hand back. “We don’t choose whom we love. Todd was able to give you what I never could.”
Téa laughed sadly. “He’d never believe that.”
“I’m not so sure about that. I think Todd has been looking for some kind of miracle all his life. The miracle was someone that would love him, not in spite of what he is, but because of what he is. I think you’re that miracle Téa. You’re able to see every side of whom and what Todd really is. You see the side that most of us, including Todd, think of as a monster and you still love him and accept him. You see the good Todd and you love and accept him too. What you don’t do is what most of us have done to Todd. You don’t ask for that good side to come out before you love him. You let him know you’ll help him bring it out, if that’s what he wants, and you let him know that even if it never comes out again, you will love him anyway.”
“Viki and Sam love Todd unconditionally too,” Téa pointed out.
“From what Viki has told me, Todd believes they feel obligated to love him. Todd knows you’re under no such obligation. As Todd said, it’s all about choice. He is your choice.”
Téa closed her eyes as two tears slowly cascaded down her cheeks. “He is,” Téa whispered. “He is my choice. He has been since the day we met. Andrew, I know Todd asked you here. I’m still very happy that you came to visit today. You are such a good man. I want you to be happy. I want so much for you to be happy.”
“I am. I have my son. River is a blessing in my life I’ll always be grateful for, and Cassie and I have been getting close again.”
“You have! Oh, Andrew.” Téa hugged him. “That’s wonderful. I’m so happy for both of you.”
“We have a way to go. We’re taking things slowly. We’re seeing a counselor and trying to figure out what happened between us.”
