Téa stared at Ritchie. His sleep was peaceful. His face was untroubled. He did not shiver in his sleep as Todd and some of the children did. Téa remembered what little they knew about this young man. He was sent in Andy's place shortly after the stabbing. He had been described as robot like. He felt neither pain nor pleasure, neither hate nor love. Téa wondered if he felt happiness or fear. Was he totally devoid of all emotions? Téa remembered hearing that this boy frustrated Peter because he showed no response to being molested. His body reacted in whatever way Peter wanted it to, but there was no emotion . . . no feelings behind the reaction. . . .

*****

"I don't understand it. Todd hasn't stayed inside for this long for a while now," Viki stated. She and Susannah stood at the nurses station as Susannah made notes in Todd's chart.

"Todd made a lot of progress in the weeks before Ritchie came out. There were many disclosures. He was flooded with memories and feelings. He put a lot of pressure on himself to hold it together for Téa and Starr. I think Goodone felt Todd needed a rest and some respite from his pain and took him inside. He may have put Todd to sleep for a while. It also may be that Ritchie needs to be out," Susannah theorized.

"Why?" Viki asked. "Ritchie won't open up to any of us, if he's capable of opening up at all. He answers questions with a yes or no for the most part and sits silently if no one asks him anything. You said he sits silently in your sessions with him if you bring up anything about his time out when he lived at home. You said he would only answer factual questions. He doesn't engage with any of us. The only positive thing I can see about Ritchie being out is that Todd has gained some weight because Ritchie is willing to eat; in addition to the supplement you give him in the feeding tube. He willingly takes his medication and his mood is level. Todd's body is getting a rest from the distressed emotional state he and the other alters are usually in. Ritchie also sleeps well. He's not plagued by nightmares. Todd's does seem physically healthier than he has in a long time. His color is better. I am grateful to Ritchie for that."

Viki had come to the hospital by herself. In the ten days that Ritchie had been out Sam had gradually stopped coming to the hospital. Viki and Sam no longer slept there. She and Sam stayed at Llanfair. Ritchie did not seem to need them in any way. He didn't seem to notice they were in a room with him unless one of them spoke directly to him. He behaved the same with Téa, Kevin, Blair, Susannah and the staff. Susannah strongly suggested that they all go back to their lives. She assured them they would be called immediately if Todd or another alter emerged or if Ritchie needed them.

*****

Viki went back to work at the Banner for the first time in months. It felt strange. She had trouble concentrating and became easily frustrated. She hated that she would lose her temper with the employees and was constantly apologizing. Most of them understood and tried to give her as much space and leeway as possible.

Despite Viki's encouragement, Sam did not go back to his office. Sam took to his bed for the most part. He would have trouble falling asleep. When he did, he awoke before dawn most mornings. Some days he did not bother showering or dressing. On days he had the energy to take care of himself, he would take long solitary walks. Viki always offered to join him, if she was home. Sam always refused. There were times when Sam and Viki clung to each other as they lay in bed. It was intimacy born of sorrow and the need for human contact. There was nothing sexual in their touch. Sam tried his best to concentrate when Viki spoke to him. No matter how much he wanted to be there for her, he would find his mind wondering. Viki tried her best to get Sam to discuss what he was feeling. It was to no avail. The only time she saw any emotion spark in Sam was during one of his phone calls with Lindsay. As usual, she called to ask for more money and to accuse Sam of neglecting his own children for Todd. Viki had never heard Sam go off on anyone the way he did Lindsay. Viki was happy that Sam had some release for the anger that was building inside him. She admitted to herself she did not mind him taking it out on Lindsay. From everything Sam had told her about the woman, she deserved every bit of it and then some.

Téa's CT scan showed no new bleed or additional problem in her brain. As her doctors suspected, she was suffering from Post Concussion Syndrome. Téa needed to take it easy. Ritchie afforded her the chance. Téa wondered if somehow Todd or perhaps Goodone sensed this and, in part, Ritchie was kept out for this reason among others. Téa still had some occasional dizziness and headaches. She cried more easily and her temper was a little shorter than it had been too.

Kevin put in more time at the Banner as well. While Viki took care of some business, she did not get back to running things. Viki told Kevin that he was doing a great job and she saw no need to change that. Viki was moved to tears when she saw the tears her approval caused to well up in Kevin's eyes. Kevin and Rachel had gone out for some meals together and an occasional walk or movie. Kevin felt some distance in Rachel and he didn't push things. Rachel wanted to make very sure Kevin had feelings for no one else before she even allowed herself to feel anything for him and she still had her doubts. Kevin had stopped by Téa's hotel room often. He always said he came to see how Téa was doing. While this was true, to a point, his main motive was to visit Rachel. Unfortunately, Rachel did not see this. As far as she was concerned, his sole purpose was visiting Téa.

Susannah was happy with the physical improvements Todd body had made. She understood Todd's system was doing what was needed. Still, she was frustrated with the lack of progress being made in therapy. She and the staff would try to engage Ritchie. He would shut down on them every time. He was willing to answer any questions during a physical exam. The only information he was willing to give them at least gave them a clue as to why he stopped aging at seventeen. When asked about that, Ritchie simply said, "Sam told Todd to get away from his father." Susannah immediately understood. Todd left Chicago when he was seventeen. Todd had gotten away from Peter. Ritchie was no longer needed and had become dormant. Why he reemerged now, no one was sure of.

Other than the therapy hours spent silently in Susannah's office, Ritchie would sit in front of the T.V. He had no preferences and would stare at whatever was on the screen. He did not laugh at comedy shows or show any emotion to dramas. He had no interest in artwork. When he was taken to the art room, Laura had no more luck engaging him than anyone else did. No matter what kind of art material she placed in front of him, he only sat and stared ahead. When asked directly to draw a picture of himself, he complied. He drew a circle and filled it in with a black marker. It was clear he saw himself as an empty hole, filled with nothing. He had no limbs and no head. He had nothing that would indicate thought processes. Ritchie would walk the hallways when told he needed some exercise. He would walk up and down as many times as they told him to. If a specific number of times was not given, he would continue to walk without stopping until someone told him to rest. Ritchie had gone through the echo without any difficulty or need for sedation. There had been no change since his last echo and they had all been grateful for that. He did not pull back or show any fear when blood was drawn or Procrit was given by subcutaneous injections. He showered when he was told to. He wore whatever was put out for him. He was compliant in every way, except when asked to talk about issues. He never verbally refused. He sat silently and stared.

There was little Susannah could do. She could not force him to talk. After sitting in silence with him for an hour or ninety minutes, Susannah would pat him on the shoulder or arm and say, "Whenever you're ready, Ritchie, I and the staff will be here for you to talk to."

*****

Susannah was able to spend time with Bill and his kids, before they had to go back to Chicago to finish the school year. With every visit, Susannah grew closer to Bill's children. Susannah and Bill were able to take the children on a weekend trip to the Amish country in Lancaster Pennsylvania. Patches spent the weekend with Bo, Nora and Mud, his new best friend. The trip was as beneficial to Susannah as it was to them. The lush beautiful farmlands brought Susannah peacefulness and sense of serenity she had not known before. On one occasion, Bill stood with his arm around Susannah as the children marveled at the sight of more than a hundred cows, lying leisurely on a grassy field, enjoying the morning sun.

"I think whenever my faith gets shaken by this world, I'm going to come here. If this isn't proof of God's existence, I don't know what is?" Bill said as he and Susannah looked out at acres of the most beautiful, green land they had ever seen. It was picture perfect. Rows of corn, taller than Bill, were growing out in the distance. Only silos and windmills announced that man had touched this land. The air was like nothing they had ever experienced before. It was fragrant with the earth and the grass and the animals. Yet it was refreshing and inspiring. It made them happy to get out of bed in the morning and face the day. It was the kind of air that made them want to close their eyes, breathe it in, and feel the existence of their souls. It made them feel at one with the earth.

Time moved slowly through the back roads of Lancaster County. There was no tension. No one was rushing to get to anywhere. It was in sharp contrast to the hustle and bustle of the main roads. What was surprising to them was seeing the horse drawn buggies that the Amish used travel those main routes and move along with the cars, trucks, buses and motorcycles. In other places, like Philadelphia, New, York City, Chicago . . . almost any city . . . drivers would lose patience as they traveled at a snail's pace behind a buggy. Here people took it in stride, and even tourists knew better than to beep the drivers of the buggy.

Susannah, Bill and his children had discovered the back roads that led to the heart of the Amish farms of Lancaster County on their first day. Since then, this had become a favorite place to spend an hour or two of every day and recharge. The rest of the time was spent trying to get in as much as they could in those few days.

Susannah and Bill had taken adjoining suites at the Willow Valley Hotel. Susannah was very touched when Tracy asked if she could share Susannah's suite with her. Josh and Michael stayed with Bill. The children enjoyed Chocolate World when they drove to Hershey for a few hours. Tracy had a blast going from store to store at the Park City Mall with Susannah while Bill and the boys hit the arcades.

The thing that fascinated all of them the most was learning about the Old Order House Amish. The children could not believe the Amish lived without electricity or phones or modern appliances because they wanted no permanent connection to "the English" or the outside world. Michael learned about boys and girls around his own age that had to decide if they wanted to be baptized into the Amish church between the ages of fourteen and twenty. They were all shocked to learn that if they refused to join, they have to leave their home and parents and go out on their own with only an eighth grade education, taught by a female member of the district who had no more than an eighth graded education herself. Anything beyond eight grade was prohibited because the Amish feel it would teach their children too many ways of the outside world.

Michael did smile when Bill gently whispered, "Now maybe that's not such a bad idea," when they heard that from age fourteen through twenty the young Amish are allowed to "sow their wild oats." Since this is the time in each child's life when they have to decided if they want to follow the ways or not, they get a chance to experience the world. They are allowed to go to movies, watch T.V. at a non-Amish friend's home, listen to music, and date. The boys are given and open buggy to court with. "So the whole world can be their chaperone," as the tour guide said.

"And here I was complaining about having to use your car or Mom's," Michael kidded back.

Susannah and Tracy could not imagine having to wear only dresses and having to close the back of those dresses with only straight pins, as buttons and zippers are not plain and are not allowed. Nor could they imagine having to keep their hair covered with a prayer hat, secured with only a straight pin, at all times and a bonnet over that when they leave the house.

Josh was horrified to learn that no gifts are allowed at Christmas. Nor were candy or baskets allowed at Easter. The Amish only recognize the religious aspects of the holidays and never the commercial.

Susannah and Bill exchanged glances when they heard that divorce was not allowed either. It was also surprising to learn that when Amish couples decide to get married, they may only do so in November and December, after the harvest has been completed. Then, after the wedding, the husband and wife do not live together. They each go home to their own family, until the following Friday. That Friday through Sunday and every Friday through Sunday, until the spring, they visit friends and neighbors to collect their wedding gifts, gifts that have to be practical in nature and for the home. Finally, in the spring, the husband's family gives them the house they will live in.

All of their minds were filled with this information as they left the tour of the Amish farmhouse and headed for the barns and fields to visit the animals. Then it was off to the gift shop. Susannah and Bill smiled when they saw the children coming to the register with their arms loaded. Susannah picked out some things for the alters and Todd. Thinking of Todd and the alters brought some memories of some journal articles Susannah had read about the Amish. The articles were about child abuse and incest among the Amish. Susannah was not so naive to think that even here, things like that would not happen.

That night at dinner, Josh announced that he would no longer eat meat. They knew it was because he had fallen in love with the cows, lambs, pigs and chickens he had petted. Once he looked into the eyes of these animals, up close, he could not bring himself to eat them. Michael and Tracy teased him as they chowed down on many of the various meats the one hundred and forty-foot smorgasbord at the Shady Maple had to offer.

Tracy and Josh were sound asleep in the backseat of Bill's car when they all arrived back at the hotel. Michael carried Josh to his bed and Bill carried Tracy to hers. All of them were exhausted, but very happy. Finding this unspoiled part of the world, sandwiched in between the corporations, condos, malls, outlet stores and restaurants of Lancaster County had done them all good.

*****

Susannah felt recharged and refreshed after the first three days she had taken off in months. It was nearly noon of her first day back by the time she turned her key into the lock of the unit doors. Susannah had one final breakfast with Bill, his kids and Patches. Then she and Bill took them to the airport and the flight back to Chicago. Tears came to Susannah's eyes when Tracy and Josh squeezed her in a tight hug and Tracy whispered, "I hope you and Daddy get married." Bill drove Susannah back to the hospital and headed to his new house. There were many things that needed to be done.

Susannah was pleased when Terry told her Todd's body had gained another pound in the few days she had been gone. That made nine pounds since the day Ritchie first came out. Since Todd's stomach still could not tolerate large amounts of food at once, Ritchie had been given six small meals a day, with in-between snacks. All staff members had to say to him was, "It's time for you to eat," and he would eat whatever was placed in front of him. In addition to that, he received feedings throughout the night, via the feeding tube. Not once had he woken up during the process. As far as they knew, he had not had a single nightmare in his time out. He went to sleep when they told him it was his bedtime and stayed asleep until he was woken up.

*****

Three more days had passed. Susannah was getting nowhere with Ritchie. Before she took him into her office for another session, she told both Jeff and Frank she wanted them inside her office for this one. She asked Angelo, Steve, Dan, Mark, Eileen and Terry to wait in the outer office right after she took Ritchie inside. She was going to push Ritchie and she had no idea how he would react.

In addition to her tape recorder being on, Susannah sat writing notes as Ritchie stared ahead, as usual. Ritchie sat in one of the club chairs. He sat as he always did, his back straight, his feet planted firmly on the floor, his hands folded in his lap. He was not tense or relaxed. He looked as if he were waiting for instruction. Susannah knew that if she told him to cross his legs or hold his arm or head a certain way he would, immediately and without question. Frank and Jeff sat on the couch. It was forty minutes into the session. Ritchie had not said anything after asking where he should sit. No matter how many times Susannah told him he could sit wherever he wanted, he always asked.

Ritchie shrugged when Susannah asked him if he enjoyed his lunch.

"Are you able to taste the differences between foods?" Susannah asked.

"No," Ritchie answered in a soft monotone. He continued to stare straight ahead.

"Can you tell hot food from cold?" Susannah queried.

"No."

"What about your body, do you ever feel too warm or too cold?" Susannah began to realize that he had closed off many of the sensations the nerve endings sent to his brain.

"No," he responded again.

Susannah stood up. "Ritchie, can you please close your eye for a few moments and keep them closed until I tell you to open them." Ritchie complied immediately. Susannah knew such a request would have made Todd and most of the alters anxious. Ritchie showed no apprehension whatsoever. Susannah went to a cabinet in her office and took out a small stuffed animal. She went to another cabinet and took out a small rubber ball. "Ritchie, I want you to keep your eyes closed. I'm not going to do anything that will hurt you. I'm going to take your right hand and then your left hand and brush your fingers over two objects. I want you to tell me what the difference is in the feel between the two. Do you understand?"

"Yes," he stated.

First Susannah brushed his fingers over the ball and then over the furry toy for the same amount of time. "Was there a difference in the feel of the two objects?"

"No," Ritchie replied.

Todd's body had enough neurological exams recently for Susannah to feel secure that she needn't be concerned with any organic cause. Ritchie had effectively managed to close off his sense of touch and taste, and most likely smell too. He needed to be able to see and hear, to pass for Andy, Todd and perhaps some of the other alters when Peter molested him, but whatever he didn't need to fool Peter, he closed off.

"Ritchie, did your dad come into your room at night?"

"Yes," Ritchie looked straight ahead.

"Did he hurt you?"

"No," Ritchie responded without a show of emotion.

Susannah expected this answer. She knew Ritchie wasn't lying to her repressing the memory. He did not allow himself to feel pain or pleasure.

"Did you like any part of what your dad did when he came into your room?"

"No," he answered calmly. Ritchie did not have Andy or Todd's need for affection, attention or love.

"Did your dad touch you when he came into your room?"

Ritchie stared straight ahead.

"Your dad is dead. You don't have to keep secrets anymore. Did your dad touch you when he came into your room?" Susannah repeated gently.

No response.

"Ritchie, I know your job is to help Todd and the others. You did that for eleven years. That's a very long time. You did a very good job. They might not have survived without you. Dad is dead now. You don't have to help Todd or anyone. No one can hurt them."

Ritchie continued to stare straight ahead.

"Have you ever felt angry?" Susannah took a different approach.

"No," Ritchie answered.

"Have you ever seen someone feeling angry?"

"Yes."

"Who was it that was angry?" Susannah asked.

Again, no response.

"You saw your dad when he was angry," Susannah stated.

"Yes."

"What do you think would happen if you felt anger?" Susannah posed.

Ritchie stared ahead.

"It must have been very hard for you to put up with your dad abusing you all those years. Did you ever want to cry out or pull away?" Susannah noticed a slight tightening in the muscles of Ritchie's jaw. "Did you ever want to feel loved when he held you? It's all right to feel now, Ritchie. Your father is dead. He can't hurt you or Todd or any of the others if you allow yourself to feel. You don't have to do whatever you're told anymore. I don't think you like having to hold everything inside. It's not your job to do that anymore. Todd and everyone who lives inside him, including you, have a lot of people to protect them now. No one can hurt them. They have a lot of people who love them, no matter what they do or how they feel. All of you can get as angry as you want, we will keep you safe. We won't let you hurt yourself or anyone else and we won't let anyone hurt you."

Even though Ritchie was still holding his hands folded on his lap, Susannah noticed the knuckles of his hands turn white as his fingers tensed up. His breathing was becoming erratic.

"It's all right to let go. It's safe here. This is the place where you can let go. Frank, Jeff and I are here with you. We won't let any harm come to you or let you hurt anyone. You can feel everything now, Ritchie. You don't have to stay strong anymore. Did your dad touch your privates?"

Ritchie's shoulders tensed. "Yes," he whispered.

"Did he make you touch his?"

"Yes."

"How did that make you feel?"

No response.

"Did he do that every night?"

"No."

"More than twice a week?"

"Yes."

"More than three times a week?"

"Yes."

"Four or five times a week?"

"Yes."

"Until you and Todd were both seventeen and Todd left to go to Llanview University?"

"Yes."

"Did you ever come out at any time other than when your father was molesting you?"

"No."

"You never went to school or out of the house for any reason?" Susannah asked.

"No. Closed doors. Window shades pulled down. Secret. Can't tell. Can't ever tell. You go to jail if you tell. You go to an orphanage if you tell. You and Mom will die if you tell. No one will believe you. Everyone will hate you. Everyone will blame you."

This was the most Ritchie had said in response to a question. "Your dad liked to hide the things he did from the world. He didn't want anyone to know what went on in your house. Those were things he said to you over the years to keep you from telling," Susannah restated.?

"Yes. My job is not to tell. No one can ever tell. Terrible things happen if you tell."

"No. That's what your dad wanted you all to believe. He told you those things to scare you. He told you that because he was afraid."

Finally there was some expression on Ritchie's face, confusion. "No. He was never afraid. He was powerful. Nothing could hurt him."

"No, hon. He was afraid. Your dad was scared to death that the outside world would find out what he was doing. He knew that he would have gone to jail. He knew they would have taken you away."

"I could have made it stop if I told?" Ritchie's body shuddered.

"I don't know," Susannah responded. "Possibly. Maybe not. Your dad was a powerful man in the community. He might have bought or bullied his way out of it. He might have lied and gotten them to believe him. You had good reason to be afraid. It is not your fault that he continued."

"Mike sent Andy away. He felt. He almost got everyone killed. Mike sent me. 'Don't feel. Don't feel.'" The muscles in Ritchie's jaw tightened even more.

"Mike told you not to feel. He said that was your job. You were afraid Mike would send you away too or your father would kill all of you."

"Yes. My job." The effort Ritchie was now using to hold in what he felt was palpable.

"What kinds of things did your dad to you when he touched you?"

No response.

"Did he do things to you that make you angry now?"

Still no response.

"Do you hate your dad?"

He stared straight ahead again.

"What about your mom, Ritchie? She was there until you were nine. She knew what your dad was doing to you. Did you hate her?" Susannah pressed.

Ritchie's body trembled. His jaw was now tightly clenched.

"It's okay to hate your dad for what he did to you. It's okay to hate your mom for being too weak to stop him. You can hate people for what they do and still love them. You own your body and your feelings. Your dad had no right to hurt either one or to control either one. It's okay to say it and to feel it. He hurt you. He had no right to hurt you. He was your dad. He was supposed to protect you. Your mom was supposed to protect you. None of what happened was your fault or Todd's fault or Andy's or anyone's fault. You all have a right to be very angry and to hate what was done to you." Susannah paused for a moment. "Do you hate your dad and your mom for what they did to you?"

Ritchie made a small whimpering sound.

Susannah motioned Frank and Jeff over to either side of the chair Ritchie sat in. "You're safe here, Ritchie. Jeff and Frank will not let you hurt yourself or anyone else. They will hold you if you feel you need to hurt yourself or anyone. You can let yourself feel. You can feel the hurt. You can let go of all the anger you feel over being hurt and humiliated. You have the power now, Ritchie, not your dad. You have the power over whom you tell and what you feel. You can feel the pain, get angry over it and then it won't hurt inside so much. Were you hurt? Ritchie, did your dad hurt you?"

"YYYYEEEEEEES!" Ritchie's scream was gut wrenching. His hands formed into tight fists. His eyes were closed tightly. His face was scrunched in torment. He stayed in the chair. He bent forward as if he had been kicked in the stomach. "Oh God! He hurt me. He hurt me over and over and over. It never stopped! Every time I came out he was hurting me. She knew. She knew! I hate them. I hate both of them so much! I didn't want to come out. I hate Mike! I hate me! I had to take it. I should have stopped him. I let him do that to me until I was seventeen!"

Susannah crouched down in front of him. "You didn't let him. He abused you. You were a child. You were powerless to stop him. It's not your fault. Your dad was a powerful man in every way. Even at seventeen you had no way to stop him. He intimidated you since you were a small boy. He terrorized you. He left you with no way out until Todd was old enough to leave that house. It was not your fault or Todd's fault or anyone's fault other than your mom and dad's fault."

"AAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!" Ritchie's scream was more like the howl of an animal being tortured. He felt eleven years of pain, terror, powerlessness and humiliation wash over him in torrents. His rage was unleashed.

Ritchie jumped up and grabbed Jeff by his shirt. Jeff was prepared. He quickly and adeptly spun Ritchie around and stabilized his arms at his waist. Jeff slid down to the floor with him. He propped his back against the chair for support. Ritchie was struggling fiercely. Frank held his legs. Susannah called for more staff. They didn't need to call a code, but it took all eight of them to hold him securely.

"I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM SO MUCH! HE MADE ME SUCK HIS COCK AND HE SUCKED MINE. HE'D SQUEEZE ME AND PULL ON ME. HE MADE ME SMILE AND SAY I LIKED IT! HE MADE ME TELL HIM TO DO IT TO ME AND SAY I WANTED IT. HE MADE ME BEG HIM TO DO IT TO ME. THE OLDER I GOT THE MORE HE MADE ME BEG FOR IT. HE MADE ME ACT LIKE IT FELT GOOD. I HAD TO TELL HIM WHAT I WANTED HIM TO DO TO ME! HE MADE ME TELL HIM MY BODY BELONGED TO HIM. HE STUCK THINGS INSIDE ME! HE MADE MY ASS BLEED. HE MADE ME LICK HIS ASS. HE PEED ON ME! HE'D TAKE A SHIT AND HOLD MY HEAD IN THE TOILET. HE MADE ME PEE ON MAMA AND STICK MY TONGUE IN HER MOUTH WHEN SHE WOULD PASS OUT. HE MADE TAKE HER CLOTHES OFF AND LICK HER ALL OVER HER BODY. HE MADE ME RUB MY COCK ALL OVER HER AND STICK IT IN HER MOUTH WHILE HE PRESSED AGAINST ME AND RUBBED HIS COCK ON ME! HE'D COME ALL OVER ME. HE MADE ME JERK OFF IN FRONT OF HIM. HE SAID I'D NEVER BE A MAN. HE SAID I WAS A PITIFUL EXCUSE FOR A MAN AND I'D NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANY WOMAN AND I WAS LUCKY THAT I HAD HIM!"

Ritchie continued to struggle in their arms. Susannah didn't want to sedate him. He needed to feel. More than any of the others, he needed to feel.

"AAAAARRRGGGGGHHHHHH!" he screamed out again. "I HATE HIM SO MUCH! WHAT WAS WRONG WITH US THAT MADE HIM DO THAT? I HATE MY JOB! I HATE ANDY FOR GETTING SENT AWAY! I HATE MIKE FOR PUSHING ME OUT! I HATE TODD FOR MAKING HIS FATHER DO THAT US! I HATE MY MOM! SHE LET HIM! SHE LEFT US! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH! AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!"

They all felt Ritchie's body stop struggling for a split second and then felt it trembling. It was trembling so severely, for a moment they thought he was having a seizure.

"Ohhhhh. Oh, God," Todd moaned.

"Todd. It's Jeff. You're safe buddy. I'm holding you."

"It's Frank. I'm here too, Todd. Everything's okay."

"Todd, it's Doctor Hanen. You're in my office. I want you to take some deep breaths and try to relax. No one will hurt you."

"I heard," Todd whispered.

They all exchanged looks.

"You heard what?" Susannah took nothing for granted.

"What he said. That boy. I heard what he said. Papa made me listen." Todd's voice sounded far away and detached.

"Do you remember those things happening to you?" Susannah asked.

Tears trickled down Todd's cheeks. "Yes." Todd tried to move his arms. "Please let me go. Please!"

"Can you stay safe?" Jeff asked.

Todd nodded.

They slowly released him, limb by limb.

Todd crawled across the floor until he felt a wall. He curled up against it and hugged his knees to his chest. They all moved close enough to be within arms length of him, but did not touch him. Todd gasped for air. "Why? Why? What did I do to make him do that to me? What was wrong with me?"

"It was not your fault!" Susannah stated firmly. "Todd you did nothing to make him do that to you. There was nothing wrong with you. Your dad was a very sick man. He had severe mental illness. He would have done that to any child who had been brought into the house." Susannah knew Todd had enough to digest right now without her telling him about the little girl that was taken away from his mom and dad.

"I hurt my mom. I did disgusting things to her. I should be dead. I don't deserve to live."

"No," Susannah corrected his perception. "You did not hurt your mom. Your dad did. He forced you to hurt her. You had no choice."

"It was my fault! You don't understand. Oh my God! You don't understand."

"Help us understand," Susannah gently prompted him.

Todd gasped again and let out a sob of anguish. "You'll all hate me. Everyone will hate me. I'll be all alone."

"No, honey. We'll never hate you. There is nothing you can tell us that will make us hate you or leave you."

"I wasn't just a little kid. He made me do things to my mom until I was nine, right up until she left. That must have been why she left. She must have known I was doing those things to her. Oh, God, how she must have hated me." Todd pounded his head into the wall.

Frank quickly grabbed him, as Susannah held her hand on Todd's forehead.

"No hurting yourself," Frank stated firmly.

"Make it go away!" Todd cried out.

"Make what go away?" Susannah asked.

"The pictures! The pictures in my head!"

"Honey, those are memories. It's okay to remember. It's safe to remember it here. You need to know that your mom didn't hate you. You did nothing wrong. Nine years old is still a little kid. Your dad was big and strong. Your mom knew he forced you. She wanted to get away from him, never from you. Your mom loved you. She may have hated herself for letting him hurt you. She may have hated your dad for what he did to both of you. She never, ever, hated you. She loved you till the day she died."

Todd shook his head. "I did disgusting things to her. I did disgusting things with my dad. I'm dirt. I'm not fit to be around anyone. Oh God! I touched Starr. I touched Delgado! Oh God! I never should have touched them. I brought my filth to them. I contaminated them!"

"No. Todd you did nothing wrong. It's not your fault." Susannah took his head between her hands. "It's not your fault!"

"No! Let go! Let go! Don't touch me! I'll get it on you too! Frank, let go! No! Don't touch me! You need to kill me! You kill me! You do it! No one will blame you. You tell them what I did to my own mother! You tell them what I did with my father. Let go!"

Susannah held on firmly. "It's not your fault," she repeated. "Your dad forced you. You lived in terror of him. He was bigger and stronger than you were. There was no way you could not have done what he made you do. He threatened you and lied to you and intimidated you. No child could have said no to him. It would have been the same with any child."

"No! No! You still don't understand."

"Make us understand," Susannah coaxed.

"I did those things with him until I was grown! I did those disgusting, perverted things with him until I was seventeen! I remember now!"

"Your dad was a powerful man Todd. You had nowhere to go. As soon as you were able, you left. Seventeen is still a child. You could not legally leave his house. You had no one to help you. He conditioned you to believe horrible things would happen if you told," Frank told him.

"Oh God. I didn't remember. I swear I never would have touched Starr or Delgado if I remembered. I wouldn't have done that to them."

"You did nothing bad to them," Susannah said gently. "Starr loves being held and touched by you and so does Téa. You've never bad touched them. Never! Your dad bad touched you and made you bad touch your mom. You would never do that to Starr or to Téa."

"You don't know that! It's in my blood! It's in my brain! My real father hurt Viki! I made my dad hurt me! I hurt my mom! You can't say that you know I won't hurt them! You can't say for sure I won't hurt everyone! Viki has to send me away. She has to send me far away and tell them to never let me out. Bo was right. My dad was right. They said I belong in jail. You have to kill me or make Viki send me away. It's the only way everyone will be safe. I hurt people the way my dad did! I hurt Carol and Marty and Luna and Nora. I almost made Asa die. I wanted to rape Blair. I got so mad at her. I wanted to hurt her that way."

"But you didn't," Susannah pointed out. "Todd you didn't. You stopped yourself. That's what's important. You were able to stop yourself. You learned how to control those urges. Your dad could never do that. He had thoughts in his head and he had to act on them. You became stronger than your dad. You became more powerful. You were able to stop yourself from hurting Blair that way."

"I wanted to!" Todd cried out.

"Todd," Frank said softly. "There are a lot of bad things we want to do to people when they hurt us or make us angry. You're not the only one to have bad thoughts. It's how you act that matters and you did not act on that thought. You stopped yourself."

"What if the thoughts won't go away? With the others they didn't go away until I hurt them!"

"We'll help you with those thoughts. We'll help you learn to handle your rage. We'll help you to learn to place the blame where it belongs and then teach you safe ways to handle your anger."

Todd shook his head again. "Please let go of me. I won't hurt myself. I promise."

"Okay, buddy. We're going to trust you." Frank loosened his hold.

Todd pulled away and pulled his knees to his chest again. "I hate myself. Why did Papa do this to me? Why did he make me hear? Does he hate me now too?"

"No, Papa loves you," Susannah said softly. "He loves you so much that he wants to do only what's best for you. He knows you're strong enough to remember this now. He knows that you can talk about it and that we can help you. Papa wants you to get your life back. He knows the only way for that to happen is for you to remember what was done to you and talk about it. That's how to make it stop hurting."

"No!" Todd shook his head violently. "Talking about it makes it worse. It makes it hurt so much I can't stand it. Something terrible will happen."

"Honey, you are standing it. You're here, talking to us about this. You remembered and nothing terrible happened."

"It will! You wait and see. It will. I don't feel good. My head hurts. My stomach hurts. I feel like I'm going to be sick."

"Okay, do you want to go back to your room?" Susannah asked.

Todd's moved his head around. They knew he did that when he was trying to figure out who was in a room with him. "Is Viki here?"

"No, Viki is at the Banner," Susannah told him.

"Is Sam here?"

"No, buddy. Sam is home resting," Jeff answered.

"Todd," Susannah began gently. "You've been inside for about two weeks. The young man that you saw and heard, Ritchie, was out."

Todd's chin and lower lip began to tremble. "They left me. They heard how disgusting I am and what horrible things I did and they left forever."

"No, not at all, buddy," Frank filled him in. "Ritchie had no need or attachment for Viki and Sam. There was no point in them staying here while Ritchie was out. I know as soon as they hear that you're back, they'll rush right over. They've missed you very much."

"You don't have to say that," Todd said in the direction of Frank's voice. Todd immediately put up a wall to help him numb himself to feeling abandoned by Viki and Sam. "It's okay. It's better this way. This is how I want it." Todd suddenly looked panicked. "Delgado! I hurt her the last time she was here. What happened to her? What did I do to her? Something happened." Todd grabbed both sides of his head. "I can't remember! Something happened. What happened? What I do to Delgado?"

"You didn't do anything to her. You and Téa were talking and you became upset. Téa is fine. She had another CT scan and it showed that she is okay. She just needed some rest. She has been home resting and now she feels much better. Ritchie had no emotional attachment to Téa either, so she stayed home to rest. She missed you very much and asked us to let her know the second you came back so she can come to see you," Susannah explained.

"They're lying to you."

Todd head shot up.

They could tell he was hearing something.

"They don't think you can handle the truth. They think you're too stupid to know that they're only pretending to care about you. They will hate you for what you've done. They will be disgusted and repulsed, just like your wonderful Doctor Hanen and her kindly staff."

Todd jumped when he heard the laughter. "They're getting paid handsomely to tell you it wasn't your fault and you did nothing wrong. You're not man enough to tell them to stop blaming your father for what you've done. You know now. You heard. You know what you did. You will hurt all of them. I've tried to warn you. Every one of them will be hurt. You know what you're capable of. Sam and Viki couldn't wait to get away from you. Neither could your precious Delgado. You touched her Todd. You kissed her without asking. You wanted to do more didn't you?"

Todd squeezed his eyes shut.

"Let them come back here. One by one, you'll hurt all of them. I won't have to do it. You'll do it yourself. You hurt everyone in your life. You're a disgrace to everyone whoever knew you. You bring them nothing but heartache. They all know what you've done. They all know, Todd. They know! They'll look at you with disgust on their faces. They'll come here and pretend they love you because they pity you. That will be their downfall, Todd. They'll come out of pity and that will be the end of them. They'll be destroyed. You destroy everything Todd. You destroy all the love. There is no love for you. You destroy people. If you care about them, you know what you have to do. You know what you have to do Todd."

"Todd!" Susannah called to him for the third time. She was afraid that Saber was talking to him. "Todd I want you to hear my voice. I want you to listen to me."

"What?"

"Okay, that's it. Tell me what you were just hearing?"

"Nothing."

"I'm sorry. I don't believe you. I think you were hearing someone talking to you. Can you tell me what he or she said?"

"I told you I wasn't hearing anything! Leave me alone!"

"It's important that you talk about what you heard," Frank added.

"I want you to call Viki and Sam and tell them to come here. Then I want to see Blair and then Delgado," Todd ordered. He asked to see Téa last. He knew that it would be hardest of all to say what he planned to say to Téa.

"We'll do that. Can you tell me why you want to see them?" Susannah asked.

"I just do!" Todd rubbed his hands over his face and his fingers through his hair. He rubbed his arms. "I want to take a shower."

They knew this was an unusual request for him.

"Sure, pal. You can take a shower. Can you tell me why you want to do that right now?" Jeff asked casually.

"I want to get the dirt off."

"There's no dirt on you," Susannah stated. "You had a shower this morning. You washed your hair. Your clothes are clean. You haven't been perspiring."

"I'm dirty!" Todd insisted.

"Are you feeling dirty inside too?" Susannah guessed.

"Viki pays enough for this loony bin. I can have two showers a day if I want to."

"Jeff already told you that you could take another shower. Do you think you can tell me in what way you feel dirty?" Susannah pressed.

"No! Leave me alone. I had enough of this therapy crap for today. I want to take a shower and put on other clothes and then I want Viki and Sam here!"

Susannah nodded.

"Okay, buddy. Let's get you up. We'll take you to your room and you can shower and change," Frank said.

"I don't want you in the bathroom with me."

"Sorry, Todd. You can't be left alone," Frank reminded him.

"I'm not planning on drowning myself or flushing myself down the toilet if that's what you're afraid of," Todd snapped.

"You can't see. You can hurt yourself accidentally. You are not always able to stay safe, even if you have no intentions of hurting yourself right now," Jeff pointed out.

They could see Todd's temper rising. "Add someone else to my list. Get that guy here to do the blind lesson with me."

"You want to have a session with Ryan?" Susannah restated for clarification.

"Yeah!" Todd thought for a few moments. "You tell him to get here right after Sam, Viki and Blair and before Delgado." Todd hoped that with another lesson he'd be less likely to make even more of a fool out of himself in front of Téa.

"You want him to come today?" Susannah was surprised.

"Yes! You tell him I'll double his pay for the session. I'll triple it. I'll give him whatever the Hell he wants. You tell him to get himself over here as soon as I see Sam, Viki and Blair. Don't let Delgado come here until after I have a session with him."

Susannah and the staff exchanged looks. They were happy that something spurred Todd on to do this. At the same time they were concerned. Something was going on with him. What they did find encouraging was Todd's ordering them around with this "take charge" attitude of his. It was good to see this part of Todd return. They realized he had been traumatized by this latest memory. They could see he was trying his best to push it away. They didn't think it was working. Todd had digested this memory, whether he wanted to or not. His need to shower right now . . . to cleanse himself of feeling dirty was not a good thing. He was still placing the blame for what happened onto himself. Still, all and all, he was getting so much stronger than he realized.

"Okay, let's go! Someone call Sam and Viki while I'm in the shower." With that, Todd willingly walked out with Jeff and Frank. The rest of the staff dispersed. Susannah went to call everyone on Todd's list, including Téa. She wanted to make sure she would be able to come later in the day, when Todd was ready to see her. Susannah hoped that Ryan would be available.

Secrets 115, Page 2