"Yes. I had some blood drawn on him. They'll do a cardiac enzyme check to make sure there was no MI. We'll repeat the test later today. Please don't worry. I'm having that done more to reassure all of you than because I believe there was any damage to his heart muscle. As Doctor Williams told you, everything checked out fine. Now, I'd like to talk about what happened today."
"Blair's big mouth almost killed Todd. That's what happened." Kevin said angrily.
"How dare you, Kevin! I saw what she was doing to Todd. Thank God I came in when I did." Blair turned to Viki. "How could you allow that? You're supposed to love Todd. How could you let her corner him that way and drive him to such a state?"
Téa started to stand to say something. She felt dizzy and nauseous. She quickly sat back down.
Susannah walked over to Téa and knelt down in front of her. "Take some deep breaths."
"I'm okay," Téa said weakly.
Susannah took Téa's pulse. She looked into her eyes. She patted Téa's arm reassuringly, to let her know that for now, she was all right. Susannah went back to her seat. "Okay, this is what we're going to do. I'm going to tell you what happened to Todd today and you're all going to listen. If you have a question, ask it. There will be no interrupting each other, no accusations, no arguing of any kind. If anyone has a problem with that they can leave now."
They all exchanged glances and then looked away from each other and then sat silently, waiting for Susannah to continue.
Susannah filled them in on what happened with Todd, Andy and Sam.
"This was a good thing?" Téa asked hopefully.
"Yes. It was a very good thing," Susannah concurred. "Todd was able to stay and meet Andy. He was able to comfort him. His co-consciousness is growing. The alters are beginning to break through the walls. Todd has been able to communicate with several of them. He still sees the alters as separate from himself, but that fine for now. The alters are beginning to share their memories of abuse with Todd and Todd is starting to remember some of it on his own. Shared information is a must. They have to begin sharing the good and the bad memories on their path to integration."
Tears sprang to Kevin's eyes. He still could not handle the thought of Timmy and Adam being gone or different from the way they are now. It would be like losing his child all over again. Guilt washed over him. I'm such a selfish prick, Kevin thought to himself. He said nothing out loud. He was too ashamed of himself to allow anyone else to hear.
"Todd thought Peter was wrong for hurting Andy that way?" Viki stated.
"Todd is taking steps toward placing the blame where it belongs. That's very good. Right now he still believes that he deserved what Peter did to him and that it was his fault. Peter made sure to ingrain that deep into Todd's mind. However, by seeing that Andy is an innocent victim of Peter's, he is on a path to understanding that he was an innocent victim as well. I feel that Todd and Andy are ready to participate in some sexual education.”
"What?" Sam did not like the idea of this.
"It won't be anything more than they can handle and it will be based on their developmental levels. When Todd has flashbacks about what happened, he tends to regress to the specific age of the incident. He recovers quickly and that's good, but he may need things explained to him on a very basic level, the same as Andy does. Eventually we will have to do sexual education with all of them, concentrating on the alters that were sexually abused. That would include Lisa, Sarah, Timmy, Ritchie, Storm, Brina, Angel, and Pete."
"Pete? You think he was sexually abused?" Kevin asked.
"Yes. I'm sorry to say, I do."
Kevin looked down. He didn't know what to say. He never suspected.
"What kind of things would sexual education cover?" Téa asked.
"The way Todd and the alters perceive their bodies, their ideas about sex and sexual behavior, what they've been taught and by whom. We'll start with the early things Todd and the atlers were taught about sex and what ideas they picked up on their own because of what was done to them. None of them ever got the chance for their sexuality to develop in a normal way. They were introduced to sex at an extremely young age . . . cruel, sadistic, violent, humiliating, totally inappropriate sex. They need to go back to the beginning and relearn sex in a healthy way. All he’s been through has affected Todd’s sexuality negatively. When you add to that the guilt and shame Todd, Andy, and probably some of the other feel because they craved some of the good feelings, like love, emotional and physical affection, attention, and at times pleasant physical sensations, you have a very confused young man and some very confused children. Even some of the adult alters, like Carol, have no real concept of relationships. She believes all wives are abused. Then there is Todd and Pete's fear of intimacy. They have to learn not to confuse intimacy issues with sexual issues. As the alters are helped with their sexual development, Todd will be helped once they are a part of him again. I think it would be best for Frank and Dave to do some of the education with them. Todd and many of the alters feel close to them and may feel more comfortable talking with men."
"I don't understand this," Blair began. "Since I'm the only one in this room who actually had sex with Todd, I think I'm the best judge of this." Blair looked smugly at Téa. "When Todd was with me, he didn't have problems performing sexually. Starr is proof of that!"
"Blair, since you brought this up, am I correct in assuming that you've had sex with men other than Todd?" Susannah asked.
Blair glared at Susannah. "Yes," she answered defiantly.
"I'm not by any means saying that all men are the same in the way they have sex, but were there some problems with Todd that you didn't experience with other men you had sex with?" Susannah probed.
"Todd was a little more nervous than other men had been. He was shy. It was that damn Marty Saybrooke. She made him become afraid of himself and what he would do to a woman. She wanted to make sure he punished himself for the rest of his life for what he did to her."
"In what way was Todd more nervous and shy than other men?" Susannah queried.
Blair looked down. She thought back to their first time together, her Christmas present to Todd. "He was very awkward. He started to get aggressive and then became frightened when I tried to slow him down. He didn't seem to know how to approach me in a . . ." Blair took a deep breath. She hated to say it. "In a normal way. Todd felt horrible about his behavior. He moved away from me and started apologizing. I thought we both needed to get ourselves together, so I took him to my place. I was staying at my Aunt Dorian's penthouse at the time. Once we got there, he was able to . . . I mean we . . ." Blair's voice trailed off. She was suddenly uncomfortable talking about this.
"Was Todd aggressive this time?" Susannah asked.
Blair looked at her and then looked down. "No. I was the aggressor," Blair admitted.
"How did Todd behave?" Susannah pressed.
Blair was quiet for a few moments, as she let herself remember that long ago winter night. "He was timid. He was still not comfortable . . . nervous . . . he was still nervous." Blair was sorry she brought this up. She hated discussing this in front everyone, most of all in front of Téa. She knew she had to be honest with Susannah. She did not want to give false information that might mess up Todd's therapy, if by some chance he was receiving legitimate therapy. "Todd was very submissive. He seemed to be more comfortable when I was in control."
Susannah was sensitive to Blair's feelings. "Would you rather continuing discussing this in a private meeting?"
Blair did not want to give them the feeling that she was ashamed of anything she did with Todd. "No, I'll answer your questions. I have nothing to hide," Blair said loudly and firmly.
"Did you tell Todd what you liked, or physically direct him?"
"Yes," Blair answered softly.
"And he had no problem complying?"
"I'm not a pervert! It's not like I asked him to do anything weird," Blair stated angrily.
"I did not mean to suggest that at all. I'm trying to find out if Todd voiced his preferences . . ."
Blair cut her off. "If you're asking if Todd was a considerate lover, yes he was!"
"Blair, did it surprise you that Todd would be that way, given his history and the way your initial attempt at having sex turned out?"
Blair shrugged. "Yeah, I guess it did."
"Did Todd tell you what he liked or physically direct you to do things that he liked?"
"No," Blair confessed softly.
"So basically Todd did what was pleasing to you when the two of you had sex?"
"Yes," Blair whispered. She looked down at her hands again.
"Did this continue throughout all the times the two of you had sex?"
"Yes . . . well, yes in a different way. Sometimes he would be different . . . more romantic . . ." Blair let her mind drift back. "Sometimes he would put on music and close his eyes in a way that made me think he was dreaming or fantasizing about something. He would kid around and say things to me in Italian."
"What kind of music did he play?" Susannah asked.
Blair shrugged again. "Some kind of classical stuff. I don't know the name of it."
"Did you ever ask Todd about the way he acted during those times?"
"Once. It seemed to upset him. He acted very nervous, almost frightened. He said he didn't want to talk about that." Blair shrugged again. "Some people don't like to talk about it the next day, especially some men." Blair looked at Susannah's face and then she glanced at the other faces around her. "Are you going to tell me that wasn't Todd? That it was that alter named Rodd I was with most of the time?"
"I have no way of knowing for sure," Susannah admitted. "Rodd is the one that we know of that likes classical music and speaks Italian. He does handle sexual feelings when they overwhelm Todd."
"I think I would know my own husband! Now you're trying to tell me that Todd was so freaked out at the thought of sleeping with me that an alter had to come out!"
Susannah did not feel this was the time to tell Blair that Rodd had admitted to "helping" Todd with Blair. She did not believe it was right to tell her this, in front of everyone.
"He seemed happy! He knew all he had to do was tell me if he didn't like the way things were going. Maybe that's just Todd's way? He wasn't always like that anyway. Other times he was more like he was that first time." Blair sat quietly for a few moments as memories and thoughts raced through her brain. When she spoke, it was almost as if she were speaking out loud, to herself. "He was different . . . like the first time . . . he was so timid and submissive and I was the one who . . . he was just more comfortable that way. I never hurt him!" Blair cried out.
"Blair, it sounds to me like you want to understand what might have been going on with Todd. Am I right?" Susannah asked gently.
Blair nodded.
"Do you want to continue this in private?" Susannah asked again.
Blair glanced self-consciously around the room again. "No. I know Todd loved me. I'm not afraid to hear what you have to say!" Blair tried to sound confident. Those in the room could tell how upset she was.
"I want you to understand what I'm going to say is in no way placing blame on you. I believe you're right about Todd feeling more comfortable with you in control. Even being at your place, on your turf, so to speak, would be something familiar to Todd. This is what he has known all his life. Todd does not believe his body belongs to him. He doesn't know how to handle being the aggressor in a healthy way. Being in control, sexually, is confused with violence in Todd's mind. Intimacy is threatening to Todd. When he's threatened, he has intrusive thoughts of becoming violent. Todd is terrified of these thoughts and what they can lead to. Todd has been able to control his violent urges since the rape, but he is always afraid that he won't be able to. He was taught that being in control sexually means causing pain, degrading, and having power over the other person. In Todd's experience, one person has all the control and power and the other has to be submissive. There is no in-between. Blair, it's not surprising that Todd would have done whatever you asked. It is what he expects during sex."
"Are you saying that to Todd I was just another Peter Manning!" Blair's voice was filled with anger. At the same time her eyes welled up with tears.
"I'm not saying you abused Todd in any way. What I am saying is that Todd related to you, sexually, in the only way he knew how. What was going on in Todd 's life when you and he first got together?" Susannah asked.
“Todd had just gotten out of prison. He was the town pariah already, and then he was accused of raping some nurses from the hospital. No one would have anything to do with him. They wouldn't even say a civil word to him." Blair looked down at her lap. "He was in love with a girl named Rebecca Lewis. She believed he raped those nurses. She even believed he attempted to rape her. He was all alone in the world. He lived in this crummy little motel room. He had no money. Because of the rapes, they even took the job he had as a hospital janitor away from him."
"So Todd was completely isolated. You were the only one who gave him any human contact?" Susannah guessed.
"Yes. I was the only one who treated him like a human being. Kevin and his family treated him like dirt under their shoes," Blair sneered in Kevin's direction. "All any of them wanted was to see him go back to prison forever."
"Don't forget to mention Cord, Blair," Kevin called out.
Blair shot him a dirty look. "Cord Roberts did treat Todd somewhat decently because his kids, C.J. and Sarah, loved Todd."
"Oh, that's right too," Kevin said sarcastically. "Actually I was talking about you being in love with Cord while marrying Todd to steal his money."
"Kevin!" Viki chastised him loudly.
"I think that's important!" Kevin defended himself. "It makes sense with what Susannah just said. Peter Manning never loved Todd and he knew it. He was willing to do whatever Peter wanted to get him to love him. Todd knew Blair didn't love him, so it was the same thing. He was alone and desperate, like he was when he was a kid. All those feelings came back to him. That's why he was able to have sex with Blair. She controlled him. He was used to that. Téa allowed herself to be vulnerable to him. Todd couldn't handle it. He was afraid of the rage within him when someone gave him the control."
Téa was shocked. She never expected Kevin to say that. No one did. Téa wondered if that was it. She understood that the while she was the one who initiated sexual contact with Todd most of the time, she was not aggressive sexually, not in the way Blair was. Todd's mind was complex. A part of him felt threatened by her advances. Another part of Todd was threatened by her giving him the message that he was in control. Téa had believed he needed to be in control to feel secure. Now she wondered if she had been wrong. In the same way Todd had no idea what normal was when it came to marriage, families, or even holidays, he had no idea what normal give and take, with both partners pleasing each other was, when it came to sex. At a very young and impressionable age, Todd had been taught that in a sexual relationship one person had all the power. Now it was Téa's mind that was racing. Finally she realized that she did not want Todd to respond to her that way . . . to think he had to please her to get her to love him and stay with him. Téa was honest enough with herself to realize that most of that had been in Todd's mind and that most likely Blair would not have walked out on him if he had not been able to do whatever she wanted in bed. Téa remembered something else Todd said to her a couple of weeks ago. It gave her some insight into why Todd seemed afraid to let himself go with her. She remembered his exact words. "Less than me? Delgado, you're more . . . you're more Delgado. You're more than me. You're more. You're more than anyone." She knew that for some reason she didn't understand, Todd placed her on a pedestal. He saw her as something clean and untouched by the evilness and dirt he believed covered him so thoroughly that he could never get it off no matter how hard he tried.
Blair's voice brought Téa out of her deep thoughts. "Kevin! You know damn well I loved Todd. I'll admit that I loved Cord when Todd and I were married the first time. I'll admit I married Todd for his money. That's no secret! Don't you dare say that I didn't love him the second time or that I only wanted some kind of submissive sex partner." Blair started to cry again. She turned to Viki. "I didn't know these things about his father and how he'd hurt Todd. None of you did!" she accused. Blair turned to Susannah. "I swear. I never hurt Todd or asked him to do anything weird. I thought he liked the way things were between us. I never expected Todd to . . . to . . . perform for me. I loved him!"
"Blair," Téa began. "I know you did. I know you wouldn't have stopped loving Todd if he couldn't ha . . ."
"Oh listen to you!" Blair cut Téa off. "What the Hell would you know about any of it? I don't need your pity or your Miss High and Mighty act. At least I wasn't always pressuring Todd and trying to change him and make him something he wasn't!"
"And neither was I!" Now Téa was angry as well. "I tried to help Todd be what he wanted to be, not what he wasn't! And you did a lot worse than pressure him. You played on the worst fears Todd had about himself. You made him think he would hurt Starr and become like both his fathers. That's after you lied to him at every turn and reinforced his belief that he could never trust anyone he cared for not to betray him!"
"Okay enough! I told you all before. This is not going to turn into another shouting match," Susannah called out. "Blair, I appreciate your willingness to discuss this. However, I think it would be best to continue it in a private session. I'd like to speak with all of you about the choice of words you use in front of Todd and the alters." Susannah did not want Blair to feel ganged up on. And she didn't want Téa getting upset or having this turn into another free-for-all. Unfortunately, Blair took this next issue as a personal affront as well.
"I told you I never meant to hurt Todd. My God! Do you think I'd ever say anything like that to him?"
"No. I don't. I don't think any of you would. This goes for all of you, not just Blair. Any of you could have just as easily slipped."
Blair gave them all angry glares out of the corners of her eyes.
"I understand it's very difficult and I'm not suggesting that you all walk around on eggshells when you're with Todd or the alters. If you're uncomfortable talking in front of them, they will sense that too. I just want all of you to try to think before you speak. Words can not only hurt, but they can be triggering to some victims of abuse, especially if they have Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. I understand that it's difficult to always know what can be triggering. Sometimes we don't. This goes for staff too. There might be times we say something that can be triggering. Sometimes even using a term of endearment or a touch that was used during abuse can be triggering. Todd and the alters don't seem to be especially sensitive to terms of endearment. My guess would be that Peter never used any of the typical ones with any of them, so I would not be too concerned with that. I would like all of you to keep known triggers in mind when you speak to or in front of Todd and the alters. You saw today how fragile Todd is, both emotionally and physically."
"Could having a flashback like that kill Todd?" This was only the second time Sam had spoken since the meeting began. He seemed to be unaware of the conflict in the room.
"Usually, no, unless the person has medical problems that can be exacerbated by the physiological changes that take place during a flashback. In Todd's case he has preexisting heart problems. While they are not serious at this time, and normally would not place him at a great risk, he is at somewhat more risk than someone who has no medical problems. He's also at a higher risk for seizures. Todd reexperienced what he felt when Peter stabbed him. His body reacted in a similar fashion, and he started to go into shock. While this shock was not caused by blood loss, and therefore did not pose the kind of danger hypovolemic shock poses, it was enough to lower his blood pressure to dangerous levels and cause his heart to have to pump harder. That is where Todd having a slightly higher risk because of his preexisting conditions comes into play. Unfortunately, this will most likely not be the last flashback Todd has. At best, he will be able to digest the trauma and be able to work through it, or he may have a flashback and not digest the trauma and get no relief from the memory. This is usually the case with Todd. At worst we have a situation like the one we had today. The flashback results in severe physiological reactions and the potential for him going into a medical crisis exists. This flashback happened very quickly and it was a memory of great physical trauma as well as emotional trauma. In most cases we would have enough time to sedate him before it can become a threat to his physical health."
"So you're saying that Todd really could have died from what happened today?" Blair asked in a trembling voice.
"That would have been highly unlikely," Susannah responded.
"But he could have!" Blair emphasized the word could.
"Yes. He could have gone into cardiac arrest. Blair, anything is possible with any of us. Could he have? Yes. Do I think it would have happened? No."
"I have to go." Blair said as she stood up.
"Can't take the heat?" Kevin called out. He felt Téa poke him in the ribs.
Téa could see that Blair was upset. Protecting Todd was always Téa's goal, never deliberately hurting Blair.
Viki also cast a disapproving look Kevin's way.
"Starr is getting over the sniffles. She's still home from school. I have to get back to her," Blair said and left.
"Kevin! What is wrong with you? Why do you insist on antagonizing her?" Viki asked angrily.
"Oh come on, Mom! This whole thing was her fault. Todd could have died because of what she said. Then did she accept the blame? No! All she did was go around screeching 'it's not my fault. It's not my fault.' She never accepts responsibility for what she does and she never fails to put Téa down in some way. She treats Susannah and the staff like dirt at times. I don't trust her. I'm not saying she doesn't care about Todd. I know she does. I'm just afraid she's up to something."
Sam sat quietly. He didn't know if he should say something or not. He knew that Blair was up to something. She wanted to take Todd away from all of them. He didn't keep quiet out of allegiance to Blair. He kept quiet because he still was not entirety sure Blair was wrong. Kevin rushing to Téa's defense this way confused Sam. Was Kevin doing it out of fairness and friendship? Was he doing it because Téa wasn't feeling well and was not up to holding her own with Blair? Or was it that his suspicions were right in the first place? Sam didn't know where to turn. He was afraid to trust his own instincts and Blair was certainly not objective. There was one more person besides them who was also suspicious . . . Rachel. Rachel had no ax to grind. She did not want to take Todd out of the hospital. Yet she also wondered if Téa and Kevin were more than friends. Sam heard her with his own ears. So, Sam sat quietly. He didn't defend Blair, but he didn't tell them what he knew either. Right now, except for Viki, Sam could care less about any of them. His only interest was saving Todd and making up for allowing Todd to be tortured every moment of his life.
