*****

"Wait out here," Susannah instructed as she rushed toward Todd's room. When she got there, Todd was huddled against the wall. Frank was standing nearby, but he had not touched Todd.

"Daddy, Daddy, I'm sorry. I'll be good. I know you didn't say it was okay. Please! I'll be good. I'm sorry. I know you didn't say I could. I'm sorry! Please don't hurt me! Noooooo!" Todd pulled his knees to his chest and then held his hands up to protect himself as he continued to cry and beg.

Frank motioned Susannah away from Todd. "Right before Todd came back, Andy was touching himself. Sam was asleep. I didn't want to set either of them off by making any comment. Todd realized what Andy had been doing when he came back."

Susannah closed her eyes. She knew how horrified Todd had to be to discover what he'd been doing. Susannah pulled her tape recorder out of her pocket and placed it on the night table. Susannah hoped Todd wouldn’t require more sedation. They got nowhere if he remained sleeping or drugged to where he couldn't think. Todd needed to experience his feelings. He needed to feel rage and know that no matter how much fury came forth, they would keep him and those around him, safe.

Sam looked stunned. He was still sitting on the bed. As soon as he got his bearings he started to head for Todd. Susannah stepped in front of him. "Sam, hold it for a few minutes. Let me assess him."

"He's terrified!" Sam yelled.

"He's going in and out of a flashback. You can make it worse. Please! Give me a few minutes with him."

Sam hesitated for a moment and then nodded. He sat back down on the bed. He suddenly felt as if his knees would buckle.

"Todd. Todd. It's Doctor Hanen. You're safe. Daddy's not here. You're in your own room at the hospital. Daddy can't hurt you."

"I'm bad. You're bad. You get punished. You follow the rules or you get punished. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. Daddy didn't say it was okay. I'm disgusting. I'm a disgusting pervert. No wonder Sam hates me. He don't wanna touch me. He won't be my coach anymore. My dad'll get mad if I don't win. I'll be better and stronger than any of them and then my dad will like me. Daddy! I won't do it again. I'm sorry! Sam went away. He's not coming back. Viki said he went away. Mama left! They hate me! I'm so disgusting." Todd pulled his knees in tightly.

Eileen, Terry, Jeff and Angelo had rushed to Todd's room. Susannah motioned for them to hold back. She and Frank knelt near Todd. They saw that Todd was slipping in and out of reality. "Todd," Susannah tried again. "It's Doctor Hanen. Sam did not leave you. He's right here. Do you want him to come over to you?"

"NO! I DON'T WANT HIM TO TOUCH ME!" Todd shrieked.

"Okay, buddy. Take it easy. Sam won't come near you if you don't want him to." Frank spoke to Todd slowly and gently.

"I don't want anyone to touch me!" Todd cried out.

“As long as you don't hurt yourself and stay safe, no one will touch you," Susannah assured him.

Todd buried his head in his knees. "I'm a loser," he whispered after a few seconds. "I'm such a loser."

It killed Sam not to be able to take Todd in his arms. He wondered if Todd was remembering the one time he was reluctant to hold him, after Angel had come out, or if he had done something to Todd right now.

"Todd, you are not a loser. Can you tell me why you're feeling that way now?" Susannah asked.

"I make Daddy mad. I always make him mad. He was being nice to me and now he hates me again."

"How was Daddy being nice to you?" Susannah inquired.

"He was in the bed with me."

"Do you like it when Daddy lies in bed with you?" Susannah probed.

"Sometimes," Todd lifted his head and rested his cheek on his knees.

"What do you like about Daddy being in bed with you?" Susannah continued.

"He holds me. It's warm. He tickles me. I like that." Todd's voice and tone were childlike. However, they could tell he was still Todd. He had gone into a regressed state. "He says I'm his little man. He says I know how to make him happy. I want to make Daddy happy. He talks quiet . . . no yelling . . .” Todd’s voice trailed off. He brushed his hand over his hair. "He plays with my hair. He likes it. He makes mama keep it long. Owwwww," Todd whimpered.

"Is something hurting you?" Susannah asked.

"He pulls my hair sometimes. He likes it long for that too. Sometimes he pulls it instead of playing nice, even when I'm being a good boy. Daddy says he likes it when it hurts. Daddy's boy part get big when he makes it hurt me." Tears began to fall from Todd's eyes again. "I'm not supposed to touch it unless he says so. He's gonna cut me."

"Todd, your body belongs to you and no one else. You have every right to touch yourself. Is that what was happening?"

Todd felt for the wall and curled up against it. He pressed his face and body against the wall, as if he were trying to become a part of it.

"Todd. If you were touching yourself, it's all right. It's your body. You have every right to give yourself pleasure. There is nothing bad or wrong about that." Susannah and the staff would educate Todd and Andy about privacy, when they were ready. She did not want to add to Todd's shame right now.

"No, it's bad. If Daddy doesn't say it's okay, it's bad."

"Your father doesn't own your body, Todd, you do. He's dead. He can't hurt you anymore."

"No, he's here. He was in bed with me."

Sam gasped. He could not believe Todd thought he was Peter Manning and he was in bed with him so he could molest him. "Todd. Boomer, please. It's Sam. I was the one in bed with you. I'd never hurt you or touch you in like that. I love you. You never have to . . ."

"NOOOOOO!" Todd screamed. He looked horrified. "NOOOOO!" Todd started to bang his head into the wall.

Frank pulled him away from the wall. "No hurting yourself, Todd."

"Let go! Don't touch me! Don't touch me!" Todd cried. He tried to pull away. He pushed the soles of his feet against the wall and pushed his body against Frank's in an effort to free himself. The other staff members and Susannah quickly contained Todd. "You're hurting me! Let go!"

"Relax, Todd." Frank spoke soothingly. "We're not hurting you. Shhhh. We need to keep you safe."

"Stop it! Don't! Stop! Mama! Mama, help me! I'm sorry. Mama! I won't be disgusting. Don't go away. You said to be nice to Daddy. You said do what Daddy wants and he won't hurt me. You told me to be a good boy! Mama! He's hurting me! You saw! You think I'm bad and I should be hurt! Mama! Make him stop hurting me! Why? Why? Whyyyyy? What'd I do? Why does he hate me so much? Mama, why do you let him hurt me? You're hurting me! Let go! Maaaaaammmmmaaaaaa! He's hurting meeeeeeee!"

Sam lunged at Frank. "Let go of him! You're hurting him!" Sam tried to pull Frank away from Todd.

Susannah was just about to call for more assistance when Todd stopped struggling. Sam immediately let go of Frank when he saw this.

"Sam?" Todd called out weakly.

"I'm here Todd. I'm right here." Sam along with the others noticed the far away, glazed look in Todd's eyes.

"Sam." Todd tried to reach out for Sam.

"Todd, do you promise to stay safe and not hurt yourself or anyone else if we let you go?" Susannah asked.

Todd nodded. At the same time he cried out. "I want Sam."

"It's okay." Susannah said to the staff that was holding Todd.

Cautiously, they let go of Todd's legs and head and then Frank let go of his arms and torso.

"Sam, I'm sorry," Todd whimpered.

Sam sat on the floor next to Todd. "Todd, you have nothing to feel sorry about. I'm sorry I let him hurt you that way. No dad should hurt his kid that way."

"Mama wants me to." Todd's voice sounded flat and emotionless. "Sam, you wanna go away. You think I'm disgusting." Todd reached out. He felt for Sam's face. When he found it, he let his hands rest on Sam's cheeks. "Is it dark so Mama can't see?" Todd asked.

"Todd, tell me whom you're holding?" Susannah asked.

"Sam." Todd looked confused. Todd's fragmented memories were catapulting him between past and present reality. "Sam, please don't send me back home. I know you have your own son. I'll be a good son to you too. I'll make you like me as much as your son. I'll do whatever he does to make you love him. I'll do it better." Todd let his hands quickly slide down Sam's arms until they rested on the outer parts of Sam's legs. Todd put his face in Sam's crotch. He began to feel for the zipper of Sam's pants. "I'll make you like me more than you like your son. Please don't send me back," Todd whispered.

Sam pushed Todd away from him firmly, and jumped up.

"SAM!" Todd started to scream. "SAM! DON'T LEAVE ME AGAIN! DON'T SEND ME BACK. WHAT I DO? DID I DO IT WRONG? I’M SUCH A SCREW UP AND A LOSER! SAM PLEASE! TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT! I'LL DO IT! PLEASE DON'T SEND ME BACK TO HIM. I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT. PLEASE TELL ME WHAT I DID WRONG! I'LL BE YOUR GOOD BOY. I'LL BE YOUR LITTLE MAN. PLEASE! SAM!" Todd began to crawl on the floor, trying to find Sam.

Frank pulled Todd back into his arms. Todd didn't fight him this time.

Susannah motioned for no one else to touch Todd. She saw it was best to let Frank handle this.

"Todd, it's all right." Frank spoke soothingly. "Sam didn't leave." Frank looked up at Sam who stood frozen to the spot. Sam wanted to run. He felt as if he wanted to never stop running. He wanted to smash Peter Manning's head into the wall until there was nothing left but bloody pulp. Frank's eyes were pleading with Sam not to reject Todd in any way for what he had just done. When Sam didn't make a move, Frank continued. "It's okay, Todd. Shhhh. You don't have to offer yourself to Sam or to anyone. Sam is not going to leave you." Frank held him tightly. Todd turned around in Frank's strong arms and snuggled up close. Frank rocked Todd. "Oh, Todd. You are so loved. You never have to let anyone hurt you for him or her to love you. Everyone here loves you so much just for being you. You did nothing wrong. What happened with your dad wasn't your fault."

"I don't want Sam to make me go home. I want him to take me home with him and be my dad," Todd whispered as tears spilled down his cheeks."

"Sam is very proud of you. He would love to have a son like you," Frank stated.

"He thinks I'm disgusting. He won't tell me what to do. It belongs to him. He has to tell me what to do."

"What belongs to him?" Frank asked tenderly.

"My body. It's his. I'm not supposed to touch it except when I go to the bathroom. That's the rule. Daddy can make things feel bad or good. If I do it right, he makes it feel good. He holds me and brushes my hair nice with his hand. He tickles me. He talks to me nice and tells me I'm good. He likes when he makes my boy parts feel good . . . I don't like that part of feel good so much. It makes me feel bad too and sick in my tummy. Then sometimes I want it to feel good that way. I'm not supposed to make it feel good that way without Daddy. Daddy has to say touch it and keep touching it until it gets all hard. Then Daddy says I'm his little man. He's proud of me. Mama wants me to be nice to Daddy so he don't get mad at us. Then she hates me. I don't know what to do. If I'm a good boy, it's bad and if I'm not a good boy it's bad." Todd stopped talking. He seemed to be listening to someone or something. "Why is the little boy crying?" Todd asked.

Susannah and her staff exchanged looks. "Todd, can you see the little boy?"

Todd nodded. "He's hiding under a bed and he's crying. I don't wanna hear it! Make him go away!" Once again Todd did not question why could see.

"He won't hurt you," Frank assured him. He hugged Todd tightly.

"Ask him his name," Susannah prompted.

Todd hesitated. He held onto Frank for dear life. Frank felt Todd trembling. Todd cocked his head, as if he were looking under the bed. "What's your name?" Todd whispered.

"Andy," the little boy whispered back.

"Why are you crying?" Todd asked, unprompted.

"Daddy hurts me and Mommy hates me and I made Sam mad at us."

Todd looked startled. "You know Sam?"

"I want Sam to wanna be my daddy too. Now he thinks I'm a disgusting prewurt, like Mommy says."

Suddenly, Barbara Manning's voice yelling at his father came back to him. Todd heard her saying that he had done something disgusting. Todd pressed his palms into his ears. "No! I don't want to hear it! Mommy's fighting with Daddy about me! Daddy's gonna get mad. He's gonna hurt us."

"Shhhhh. Todd it's not happening now. I'm holding you. You're safe." Frank said softly and gently. He held Todd tightly against his chest. "No one is going to hurt you or your mom or Andy."

Todd looked "under the bed" again. "Don't cry. Frank said he won't let anyone hurt us."

Sam felt a mixture of jealousy and self-hatred. He wanted to be the one Todd and Andy felt safe with.

"Daddy always hurts me," they heard Andy's voice say. "He says he likes it when I'm his little man and then he ends up hurting me anyway. Mommy lies to me. She says be a good boy for Daddy and then she hates me when I'm a good boy. Everybody hates me. Now Sam hates me again because I didn't wait for him to say it was okay and you hate me and I always try to help you."

Todd gasped. "Your daddy says he likes it when you're a little man too?"

"Uh huh," Andy answered. "I like it when Daddy holds me and acts nice to me."

"Me too," Todd whispered.

"I get scared cause I'm afraid Daddy's gonna get mean and hurt me," Andy stated.

"So do I," Todd admitted. Todd loosened his grip on Frank and turned around so he was facing the bed he saw Andy under. He continued to talk to the little boy he saw. "Daddy's never nice without turning mean. Even when it feels good to be with Daddy, I get scared because I know the bad is coming."

"There's no place that don't hurt," Andy said.

"There's no place that's safe," Todd added.

"I'm gonna kill me with a big knife to make it stop hurting. Then I'll be dead and it won't hurt anymore. Then I'm gonna run away and I'm not telling Mommy or Daddy where I'm going. I'm gonna take Timmy and Randy. Do you wanna come?" Andy asked.

"I want it to stop hurting too. I wanna die too," Todd confessed in a whisper so low they had to strain to hear him. "I'm sorry you get hurt and feel so bad." Todd reached out a trembling hand. They saw Todd's other hand reach up, as Andy took Todd's hand from under the bed.

"Do you hate me too?" Andy asked Todd.

Todd looked into Andy's eyes. They were the same hazel color as his own. He saw the pain in those eyes. He knew what Andy was feeling. "No. I don't hate you." Todd saw a tear trickle out of Andy's right eye, as those in the room saw the same tear trickle out of Todd's eye. "I have a dog named Randy. He came back to me," Todd told Andy.

"He came back to Tom too. Tom's real happy when he's with Randy. He loves him so much and he's always cuddling with him. He's really Tom's dog, but Tom said he belongs to all of us. Daddy hates Randy." Todd had a flash of being with Tom and Randy. He remembered the other little blond boy he had held in his arms. He remembered giving him Randy to care for. Todd started to make the connection. His mind quickly pushed the connection away. Todd saw Andy as a little boy separate from him. His unconscious needed to keep it that way.

"My daddy hates my dog too." Todd spoke softly.

"I'm afraid of Daddy," Andy said.

"Me too," Todd confessed.

"Daddy touches my boy parts," Andy whispered.

"My daddy does too." Todd squeezed Andy's hand.

"I don't like it. Even when it feels good, I don't like it."

"Neither do I," Todd choked on his words.

Andy looked away. "I was bad. I broke the rule. I touched myself. Now everybody hates me." Some more tears feel down Andy's cheeks.

"Daddy gets so mad when someone breaks the rules," Todd concurred.

Andy's looked into Todd's eyes. "Daddy hurts me."

"Daddy hurts me too," Todd admitted. His chin trembled as tears fell. "My daddy hurts us both, doesn't he?"

Todd saw Andy come out from under the bed and walk over to him. With Todd sitting on the floor and Andy standing at his full height, they were eye to eye.

Andy stroked Todd's head. "I'm sorry Daddy hurts you too. I try to get hurt so you don't have to."

"Daddy shouldn't hurt you. You're just a little boy." Todd couldn't bear the thought of a child being hurt.

"Mommy lets him. She sees, and she lets him. She thinks I should be hurt."

"Mommy sees," Todd repeated in a detached tone. Todd pulled Andy into a hug. Sam, Susannah, Frank and the other staff members in the room watched Todd hold his arms tightly around himself and rock back and forth.

Andy rested his head on Todd's shoulder and said, "I want Sam to be my daddy now. Do you want Sam to be your daddy?"

"Yeah," Todd whispered.

"I'm sorry. I didn't wait for Sam to say it was okay. He don't wanna be our daddy now."

"It's not your fault." Todd's arms tightened around Andy. "I'm not good enough to be Sam's son anyway."

Sam couldn't stand it. He rushed to Todd and Andy. Sam got down on his knees. "I love both of you, Todd, Andy, I love you both so much. I'm sorry if I made you think I was angry or disgusted with you." Sam took a deep breath. This was so hard for him to talk about. He pushed his own feelings aside. "You never have to ask me if it's okay to touch your own bodies. Daddies don't own their kid's body. Daddies don't touch their kid's boy parts that way and they don't make their kids touch theirs. It's not okay for a parent to do that. Parents are supposed to protect their children, not hurt them, ever!"

Andy looked into Sam's eyes. "Mommy didn't tect us."

Todd hung his head. "Daddy hurt us."

Sam wrapped his arms around Todd and Andy. "I want to be your daddy more than I want anything else in my life. I want you to know I love you so much. Nothing would make me happier or prouder than for both of you to be my son."

Todd and Andy melted in Sam's arms. Both of them clung to him. Both of them began to cry again.

Sam rocked them gently. It felt so good to have them in his arms again. "I love you. I love you," Sam repeated.

"I'm tired," Andy whimpered, and he was gone.

"Andy! Andy! It's dark again," Todd cried out.

"Shhhh, Todd. Andy went to rest. Boomer. It's okay. I'm here. Shhhh."

Todd let his head rest on Sam's shoulder. "Sam, I'm sorry."

Sam rubbed Todd's back. "You have nothing to be sorry for."

"I'm tired too," Todd whispered.

"Todd," Susannah said, "Let's get you up and help you to a chair."

Sam looked like he needed help getting up as much as Todd did. Jeff gave Sam a hand. Sam accepted help without protest. He was weary, but he did feel a little better. He always did when he was able to be close to Todd or the children. It gave him some temporary peace.

Frank and Susannah helped Todd up. They walked him over to the comfortable easy chair and helped him sit down.

"I don't feel so good," Todd complained.

"In what way?" Susannah asked.

"I have a headache and my stomach is upset."

Susannah was glad to see he was not using a child's terminology. He was sounding more like and adult. He was coming out of his regressed state. Susannah knew Todd was overdue for his pain med. He was also due for a feeding or something to eat and he needed fluids. "Todd, how about having some breakfast? You can have anything you like."

The mention of food made Todd feel a loss of control and nauseous. Todd shook his head.

"Todd, you need to eat. We all need nutrition. If you want to get strong and healthy, you need to eat."

"Healthy people live longer. Leave me alone."

"Are you saying you don't want to do something to help you stay alive?" Susannah rephrased.

"You said my body is mine. You all say that. If my body is mine than I can do what I want with it. Now leave me alone! I said I don't feel good. My stomach hurts too."

Susannah was more certain than ever that Todd's anorexia was his attempt to feel in control of his body and his life. She didn't want this to become a power struggle. She would wait a while. If Todd was still out, Susannah hoped he would not fight the tube feeding, along with the administration of some of his meds via the feeding tube. She did not want to have to sedate him or use restraints on him. "Does your stomach hurt a lot?" Susannah asked.

Todd shook his head. He let it drop and so did she. Susannah was surprised that Todd didn't make any attempt to touch his stomach and feel the tube. She hoped the survivor part of Todd knew he had to leave the tube in to sustain his life. "Todd." Susannah called his name out softly. "We need to talk about what just happened with Andy and Sam. After you rest for a while and let the staff tend to your stomach, I want you to walk to my office for a session." Susannah felt it was best to phrase it like this, rather than mention a feeding or receiving medication. She wanted Todd to remain calm. It was important he discussed what happened with Sam and with Andy. She had the feeling Todd was already repressing it.

"I don't wanna talk about it." Todd pulled his knees up and rested his cheek on them. He was getting anxious.

"You need to talk about what happened. We'll stop if you begin to feel overwhelmed."

"I hate being shrunk!"

"I know you do." Susannah knew that ultimately, Todd was in control. If she pushed too hard, he would go inside and she'd be no further along. "But being shrunk is the only way for you to get well and leave here."

"I'm never leaving here. You don't have to pretend to make me feel good. Everyone knows it. Why put me through torture with those sessions?"

"Because I know that you can get out of here. You can become whole and well. There's no easy way to do it, Todd. If there were, I'd be more than happy to let you do it that way. I know you're tired and you don't want to experience the pain that therapy can cause. I won't press you beyond what I know you can endure. You're too young, smart and gifted to let what your father did to you take your life away. You're a fighter and a survivor. It might not feel that way to you now, but you have what it takes to beat this and get well. You don't ever have to fight alone anymore. Honey, you have lots of people who are there for you. I know you might not be able to believe it right now, but you don't ever have to be afraid of being alone with no one to help you again. Now, you can rest for a while and then later I expect you to come to my office for a session." Susannah's firm tone was tempered with gentleness.

"I hate being bossed around! I have a newspaper and I'm the boss there! Everyone is afraid of me. They do what I say." Todd emphasized the word I.

Susannah smiled sadly. Todd sounded like a little boy trying to impress the world with how tough he is. That, in addition to the way he sat clutching his knees to his chest and his youthful appearance, caused her heart to break for him.

"How does it feel to be the one to tell everyone what they have to do?" Susannah asked.

"Good! Nobody makes me do stuff I hate."

"Do you like it when people are afraid of you?"

"Yes!" he answered defiantly, expecting to get a lecture from her on what a bad person he is.

"Then don't you want to do everything within your power to get back to being able to run your paper and instill fear in your employees?" Susannah queried.

Todd looked befuddled. A part of him thought Susannah had just pulled a fast on him. Another part felt a closeness to her for not judging him.

"I don't wanna go to your office," Todd declared.

Susannah knew this was his way of agreeing to a session, while setting the conditions for that session. "Can you tell me why not?"

"I don't wanna hobble around in the dark again."

Secrets 113, Page 2