*****

"You're doing great. So far everything checks out fine Mrs. Manning. We're going to do the motor exam now," Doctor Anderson informed Téa.

They had already completed the physical exam and cognitive assessment exam to check her mental status. The assessment of her cranial nerves had been done as well. Téa showed no signs of weakness, or at least any more than would be expected. She had no double or blurred vision, no more vertigo and nausea than was to be expected. Her level of consciousness, speech and language skills, insight and judgment, abstract thought, fund of information and ability to calculate were all testing normal. Her memory and orientation to time were still a little off. This was not unusual given her injury and would most likely be temporary. Téa's olfactory, optic, trigemina, facial, glossopharyngeal, vagus and spinal accessory nerves all checked out.

Téa had no problems distinguishing the different odors they placed under her nose or with the acuity of her vision or her visual field. Her pupils responded to light normally. Téa patiently clenched her jaw and opened and closed it on command as they tested for any motor or sensory impairment or weakness. Téa was able to feel change in temperature sensations when cold metal was placed on her skin. She blinked normally when a piece of cotton touched her cornea. There was symmetry on both sides of her face and no signs of weakness in the upper or lower parts of her face were present when Téa was asked to smile, wrinkle her forehead, puff out her cheeks and close her eyes tightly.

Téa was beginning to become impatient with all this testing. Still, she panted and said "ahhhh" when asked and swallowed several times for them. She felt even more nauseous when they tested her gag reflex with a tongue blade. Téa sat quietly when Doctor Anderson pressed on her shoulders as he asked her to shrug them and as he applied gentle pressure to each opposite side as he asked Téa to turn her head to the left and to the right.

Téa's mind was not on the tests they were doing. Her mind was on Todd. She wondered how he was doing. She knew he was right outside. She didn't hear any commotion, so she prayed all was going well and that Todd was holding it together. Téa still could not believe that Todd had been allowed to leave his unit and had come to see her. What she found even harder to believe was not a dream were the things Todd said to her and the things he was willing to hear her say. 'Todd seemed so' . . . Téa could not even put her thoughts together cohesively. She was still in shock over the way Todd presented. All she could think was . . . 'my God! I had my Todd back today. He was more like his old self than he has been since he's been here.' Téa smiled when she thought about the way Todd had taken care of her. Téa knew what this was costing Todd. She understood the pressure he was putting on himself to keep himself together. She realized that Todd was holding on by a thread and it would not take much for him to lose it. Téa knew he was putting himself through this for her. She was in awe of Todd's inner strength. She always knew it was there. No matter how sick he was, she never doubted it. 'Todd, I love you so much. Oh, mi corazon, I love you and I respect you so much. Will I ever be able to get you to really believe that and feel it in your heart?' Téa wondered. Right now Téa wanted to be out there with Todd. She had an uneasy feeling. Every cell in her body was screaming out that Todd needed her.

"Mrs. Manning?" Doctor Anderson called out.

Téa did not want him to think there was something neurologically wrong with her. "I'm sorry. My mind drifted," Téa apologized. "What is the next thing you want me to do?" Téa sighed. They began the motor exam. Téa's mind was in the waiting area, with Todd.

*****

Todd stood frozen to the spot. He immediately knew his little girl's voice.

Viki and Sam froze as well. Susannah and her staff were shocked to see the small blond girl they had only seen in the pictures Blair and Viki had shown them. Susannah quickly motioned for everyone to hold back. She did not want anything done that might cause Todd to escalate or frighten Starr. They had a delicate situation on their hands and she knew it. She would wait a few seconds and see what Todd's reactions to this would be.

"Daddy?" Starr called out again. She stood still. She didn't head for Todd. She had never seen her daddy look like this before. Starr's little chin and lower lip began to quiver.

Todd felt lightheaded. He felt as if he were going to fall. Frank felt Todd's knees buckling. "I've got you buddy. Don't worry," Frank whispered to Todd.

"Shorty?" Todd called out.

"Daddy," Starr repeated. Her voice trembled. Tears slowly made their way down her soft cheeks.

'Please God! Please! Don't let me go away. Don't let me get one of those anxiety attacks. Please! Don't let anything bad happen in front of my little girl. Please! You can do whatever you want to me afterward . . . just don't let anything happen in front of Shorty. I'll do anything. Please!' Todd prayed.

Todd took a deep breath. He felt some strength return to his legs. "Help me down," he whispered to Frank. Frank gently helped Todd to get down on his knees. Todd held his arms out and wide open. "Shorty," he called out softly.

Starr hesitated for a second. Her eyes had not left Todd since the second she came to the ICU area. She was not even aware of the others in the room. "Daddy!" Starr cried out and ran to Todd's arms. "Daddy . . . Daddy . . ." Starr kept repeating.

Todd hugged her tightly. He was trying with all his might to keep himself from crying. Todd could not believe he was holding his little girl. He put his face in her hair. He remembered the sweet smell of her. He stroked her hair. It was not as soft or as baby fine as he last remembered. There was still a familiar silkiness to it.

Starr had her arms around Todd's neck. Her face was buried in his shoulder. "Daddy, I missed you so much. I wanted to come to see you. Mommy and Tee told me they wouldn't let little kids in the part of the hospital you were in."

"They don't. I'm usually not in this part of the hospital, Starr. Mommy and Téa were telling you the truth."

"I heard Mommy and Auntie Dorian say that Tee got hurt and she was here in the ICU place. I came to see Tee and then I wanted to get Tee to take me to you. Is Tee really hurt?"

Todd swallowed hard. He took another deep breath as he tried to gain control over his emotions. "Yeah, Shorty, Téa fell down and hit her head. She's okay now. The doctors are checking her out. She's right down the hall. Don't worry Shorty. The doctors are gonna fix her." Todd desperately wanted to believe that himself.

Starr had so many questions about the things she overheard her mother and aunt talking about and everything else, she didn't know where to begin. Most of all she didn't want to upset her father. Right now she wanted to hold on to Todd and never let go. Starr was frightened and confused by Todd's appearance. Starr pulled back enough to look at Todd. She still stayed in his arms. "Daddy, how come you're so skinny?"

Todd had no idea that he looked thin. He felt ashamed to have Starr see him like this. "I guess I don't feel like eating most of the time, Shorty? Don't worry. I'm okay." Todd's voice trembled as he answered.

"Mommy said you were sad a lot and that sometimes you were too sad to eat," Starr stated.

Todd smiled weakly. "Yeah. Daddy's sad a lot of the time."

"Mommy said you were sad because your daddy hurt you and you didn't have a mommy to protect you."

Viki started to go to Starr and Todd. Susannah held her hand out to let her know she shouldn't. Susannah saw that Todd was handling this, so far. Her instincts told her he needed to be strong for his daughter. He needed to be strong on his own.

"Yeah, Shorty. Sometimes my dad was mean to me."

Starr stroked Todd's head. “I don't want anyone to be mean to you. I don't want you to be sad, Daddy. Maybe now I can help you not be sad anymore?"

Todd hugged Starr to him again. "I'm never sad when I'm around you, Starr. Daddy loves you so much." Todd's throat caught with emotion.

"Why is that thing stuck to your cheek and in your nose?" Starr asked.

Todd knew he would rather have died than to have Starr see him this way. Todd took a couple of breaths through his nose and let them out through his mouth. He desperately tired to calm himself.

Susannah saw Todd was going to lose it. He had handled as much of this as he could. She approached Todd and Starr. "Hi, Starr. My name is Susannah. I'm your daddy's doctor."

Starr looked up at her. "How come you let my daddy get so skinny?"

Susannah smiled. "As your daddy told you, a lot of the time he feels too sad too eat or his tummy feels upset. The tube taped to your daddy's face is called a feeding tube. We make sure he gets all he needs to eat. Your daddy is starting to gain back some of the weight he lost. He'll be fine."

"Daddy, does it hurt?" Starr inquired.

Todd shook his head. "No. It doesn't hurt at all Shorty." Todd felt Starr's little hand caress his cheek.

Suddenly Starr pulled back. "Daddy, why did you leave me for so long? I kept telling Fred to tell you to come home to me. Didn't he tell you?"

"He did Starr." Todd could barely get the words out. "He did. I couldn't come back to you. I-I-I'm sick Starr. They say I'm too sick to go home. I didn't wanna leave you. Shorty . . ." Todd's voice cracked with emotion.

"Did I do something to make you sick? Did I do something bad?"

Todd didn't know what to say. The tears he had been trying with all his might to hold back slid down his cheeks.

"Daddy! I'm sorry. Did I make you cry? Did I hurt you? Oh Daddy!" Starr started to cry as well.

Todd felt himself drifting away. 'No . . . please,' he prayed.

"Todd, I'm here for you. I will help you to be strong enough to stay with your daughter." Todd recognized his papa's voice. "I'm right here, Todd. I'm giving you strength. You can do this. You can be there for Starr. I won't let anyone hurt her. Starr is safe with you. She's a little girl Todd. She wants to know about things. Just answer her as truthfully as you can. She'll understand. Starr loves you with all her heart. She loves you, Todd. She loves you as much as I do. Listen to Papa. You're strong. You're my strong son. You can stay and be there for your daughter." No one knew better than Goodone what being with Starr and being there for her meant to Todd.

Todd found comfort in Goodone's words. Todd felt it. He felt as if Goodone were bracing him, from the inside out. "No, Shorty, you didn't hurt me or make me cry."

Starr hung her head. "I got mad at you for leaving me sometimes. Did you not come back because I got mad at you? Did that make you sicker? Was I being mean to you like your daddy?"

"NO!" Todd shouted.

Starr gasped and jumped back. She was shocked by Todd's raised voice.

"Oh God!" Todd's voice was almost inaudible. They all stood poised and ready to spring into action if Todd were to lose it. Todd took some deep breaths. He held his arms out. "Starr," he whispered. Starr ran back into her father's arms. Todd held her tightly. He rocked them both back and forth for a few seconds. "Shorty . . . Shorty. You weren't mean to me. You are never mean to me. I want you to listen to me and remember this forever. For as long as there's a world and the sun and the moon and . . . and the stars, I want you to remember this." Todd took another deep breath. "You are nothing like my father. Nothing! You never were and you never will be. You're better than anyone or anything in this word. You're better than me and even better than your mom. You are so good. Starr, no matter what else is bad and mean and horrible in this world you are the one good thing in it. You're so important. You make this whole world good. You're the best thing in it. I understand all about being mad because you were left. Being left sucks. I want you to be mad. I want you to be mad for me too because I didn't want to leave you. Daddy would never leave you for being mad at him. It's okay to be as mad at me as you need to be. I'd never leave you if I didn't have to. I'd never walk out on you. I swear that to you. I love you more than anything or anyone on this planet. I didn't wanna leave you. I don't ever wanna leave you I . . . I . . . I can't be with you until I'm not sick anymore."

"Like I couldn't play with Susie because she had a bad cold and Mommy was afraid I'd catch it?"

Todd smiled sadly. "You can't catch what I got Shorty. But it's something like that. I wouldn't be good for you to be around when I'm feeling sick. I don't ever want anything that's bad in life to touch you."

Starr looked at Todd again. She cocked her heard curiously. "Daddy, how come you don't look at me when you talk to me anymore?"

“Shorty, Daddy can't see so good anymore. It's okay. I have a lot of people to help me. It's all right. They're gonna get me a special teacher and he's gonna help me."

"But I drew a whole bunch of pictures for you," Starr stated sadly.

Todd held her close. "You know what would be a great Daddy and Shorty game?"

"Uh-uh," Starr replied.

"You can make up a story about each picture and I'll try to guess what they look like."

"I make up good stories. Just like you do, Daddy!" Starr finally had some happiness in her voice.

Todd smiled. "You make up the best stories, Shorty."

"Starr, my name is Frank. I help your Daddy out while he's here. How about you and your daddy go sit in a chair for a while?" Frank suggested. He knew Todd needed to sit.

"Starr, would you like to come sit next to me? I haven't even had a chance to say hello to you yet," Viki tried to coax her over.

Starr seemed surprised. She had not even realized Viki and Sam were sitting there. "Hi Aunt Viki," Starr said shyly. Starr still did not understand why her Aunt Viki had not come to see her in such a long time.

"Oh, Starr." Viki held out her arms the way Todd had.

Starr started to go to her. She hesitated. She was afraid to leave Todd. "Daddy, I'm gonna take good care of you." Starr kissed Todd's forehead. "I'm just going to go say hello to Aunt Viki first." Starr walked over to Viki.

Viki held her arms open again. "Starr," she whispered.

Starr threw herself into Viki's arms. Viki hugged her tightly. "Do you still like me?" Starr asked innocently.

"Starr, I love you. Oh, sweetie. I never stopped loving or liking you. We all love you. Honey, I'm sorry. I know I haven't been to see you in a long time and . . ."

"Mommy says Daddy gets scared if you're not with him," Starr whispered in Viki's ear.

"Yes, honey. Sometimes he does," Viki whispered back.

"Then I want you to stay with Daddy. It's okay. I just wanted to make sure you still liked me."

Viki could not get over how much like some of the child alters Starr was. Starr was the child Todd would have been like if he had a father as loving and caring as the kind of father he was to Starr.

Frank helped Todd over to a chair and then helped him sit down. Todd was still nervous. He continued to pray he'd stay strong for Starr. Goodone continued give him the strength he prayed for from within.

Starr stared at Sam. She moved over to where he sat. "I remember you. You're a friend of my daddy's."

"Yes, honey, I am. I love your daddy very much. I love him as if he were my own son," Sam told her.

Starr motioned for Sam to come closer with her small index finger. "Daddy's real daddy was mean to him. You have to be real nice so Daddy stops being scared and sick."

"I will Starr. Don't worry." Sam stroked her hair. "I love your daddy."

Starr headed over to Todd. She placed her hand on his knee. "Daddy." Todd started to lift her to his lap. He was barely able to. They all noticed how he struggled and had to use every ounce of his strength. Todd's heart began to pound. He was terrified of how weak he had become.

Starr rested her head against Todd's chest. "Daddy, your heart is so loud," Starr commented.

"That's because of how much I love you," Todd told her. He held onto her tightly. It felt so good to have Starr in his arms. Starr was the one person, other than Goodone, whose love Todd could allow himself to feel. He believed she would stop loving him when she became older and wised up. For now he believed his daughter loved him and he knew without a doubt he loved her. What he wasn't sure of was that he wouldn't hurt her. Todd knew he would die before he would intentionally hurt her. He also believed that merely being in his presence was often enough to get those he loved hurt, whether or not he intended to hurt them.

"Starr, how did you get here?" Susannah asked. She had waited until everyone had calmed down and gotten over their initial shock of realizing Starr was there. Todd, Viki and Sam were still in too much shock to think to ask the child that. Starr didn't answer. She snuggled into Todd.

"It's okay, Shorty. You won't get into any trouble. I'll make sure of that," Todd promised.

"I took the bus," Starr answered.

"Does your mommy know you're here?" Susannah pressed.

Starr shrugged.

Todd gently felt for Starr's face and placed his hands on either side of it. "Shorty, does Mommy know you're here?" Starr's mouth turned down. She shook her head against Todd's chest. Todd held her close.

"Daddy. Mommy's gonna be mad at me. She's not gonna let me watch TV."

"It's okay, Starr. You won't get in trouble. I'll talk to Mommy. She'll understand," Todd assured his little girl. "Shorty, you have to promise me that you won't leave the house or go on the bus by yourself again . . . not until Mommy says it's okay for to do that. Promise me." Todd did not even want to think about the things that could happen to a little girl out all by herself. He felt guilty and responsible for Starr's actions.

"Nobody would bring me to see you, Daddy. I'm not a baby! I know how to get here," Starr protested.

"I know that, Shorty. You're the smartest little girl in the world and the bravest. It's not okay for you to be out by yourself . . . not yet."

"Aren't you happy that I came to see you?" Tears welled up in Starr's eyes.

Todd pressed Starr's forehead against his. "Oh, Starr. I love that you came to see me. I think you're getting to be very grown up. It's not always safe out there. Daddy would never, ever, ever, ever want anything bad to happen to you." Todd emphasized the last "ever."

"Starr, I need to call your mommy and let her know where you are," Susannah informed Starr.

Starr clung to Todd. "I'm staying with Daddy. I'm not leaving him and you can't make me!"

Viki and Sam exchanged looks. They didn't want to upset Starr or Todd.

Susannah held off saying anything. Todd was doing great with Starr. She gave him a chance to handle this.

Todd hugged Starr to him for a few seconds. He took another deep calming breath. He knew he had to make Starr believe that it wasn't that he didn't want her around. Todd would never want Starr to think that. "Starr, Daddy loves being with you more than being with anyone in the whole word."

"I love being with you best too, Daddy. I know you can't come home while you're sick. I can stay here until you're all better. I'll help. I'm a big girl now. I can take good care of you. I'm gonna stay with you and we can have tea parties and I'll bring you ginger ale so your tummy don't feel bad and I'll hold you when they do blood tests and I'll tell you stories and we . . ."

"No, Shorty!" Todd cut her off. "Starr, listen to me. You can't stay here with me. I have to go back to the other part of the hospital. This is no place for you. You've had enough of being in hospitals in your life. I don't want this for you. I want you to be out in the sun. I want you to go to the park and play. I want you to have fun and be happy and have everything good in life."

"Daddy, I am happy when I'm with you. You always said it was me and you. Daddy and Shorty or Daddy and Princess Shorty or Daddy and Starr. You said we were a team and that I was your best friend." Starr was beginning to cry again.

Todd heard her. He reached up and felt the tears on her cheeks. "You are my best friend," Todd whispered to his daughter. "You are the smartest, prettiest, best little girl in the whole world. I love to be with you most of all, Starr. I can't be with you right now . . . I . . ." Todd searched for the words. "I don't feel good sometimes . . . I don't want you to see . . . I . . ."

"Todd. Tell Starr what's in your heart. Be honest with her. She'll be able to handle it," Goodone advised.

"Starr, do you remember when you lost your first front tooth?" Todd asked her.

Starr nodded. She realized Todd couldn't see her. "Yes Daddy," she answered verbally.

"What did you do every time you smiled at me?" Todd hoped she remembered.

Starr thought for a few seconds. "I covered my mouth," she stated.

"Yeah. You did. Do you remember why you did that?"

"Cause I didn't want you to see me without my tooth. I thought I looked funny," Starr admitted.

"Daddy kind of feels like that. I don't want you to see me when I don't feel good. Shorty, do you understand?"

Starr thought about what Todd just said. Sadly she confessed. "You get ashamed cause you think you look funny."

"Yeah, Shorty. It's kinda like that. It's never, ever, that I don't love you or want you with me. I will always love you. No matter where I am. I'll always love you and always love being with you."

"Daddy, do you hear me tell Fred the Frog how much I love you and how much I miss you?"

"I always hear how much you love me, Starr."

Even though Starr was careful not to say what she considered bad things about her daddy in front of Fred, Starr wanted to ask Todd if he ever heard her say that sometimes she hated him for leaving her and that she didn't care if he ever came back. She didn't ask. She held that question back. In the same way Todd was terrified of the monster within, Starr was terrified of her own demons. Also, like her father, she tended to keep some of her most painful thoughts to herself. What Starr didn't do was repress them. As painful as these thoughts were and even though Starr did not want to discuss them, she was strong enough emotionally to acknowledge them. Todd had given his daughter enough love, affection, security, positive attention and confidence in herself and in his love for her to handle almost anything. "I'm glad, Daddy. I was afraid they might not let Fred in to see you either."

Todd smiled. "Shorty, you're gonna have to let them call Mommy and tell her you're okay. Mommy probably has half the police department out looking for you."

"No, Mommy thinks I'm in school," Starr confessed. "Anyway, she's busy with some kind of appointment."

"I'll try her cell phone," Susannah suggested. She headed for the nurses station.

*****

"Mrs. Manning, are you telling me that Sam Rappaport is having some kind of breakdown?" Blair's attorney asked.

"I'm not sure. All I can tell you is that Sam has been acting very strangely. He's arguing with Viki and he seems very upset with Doctor Hanen. He hates this Applied Behavior Analysis treatment Doctor Hanen is doing with Adam."

Matthew Allen became lost in thought for a second. He was trying to remember something. It came to him. "Mrs. Manning, an old college friend I ran into about a year ago has a child with autism. I remember him telling me about the program his child was on. It was ABA. From what he said that is an excellent way treat a child with autism. I don't think any judge would find that Doctor Hanen is doing wrong by this alter." Then out of curiosity, Matthew asked, "are you telling me that this alter . . . Adam is it . . . is really autistic?"

"Yes. He's only about three years old and from what I read about autism, he is exactly like some autistic children. Look, I know that ABA is the most recommended therapy. I just think Doctor Hanen takes it to extremes. Adam is a fragile child. He has seizures. The way Doctor Hanen wants us to treat him seems like torture to me and it seems the same way to Sam. It isn't only Adam, I've told you how many times one of the alters has been able to inflict injury on himself. From what I understand some of the children are very depressed inside Todd. I showed you the pictures. It's obvious Téa and Kevin are screwing around with each other and yet they are both allowed free access to Todd. Viki appointed Sam Todd's legal co-guardian. All of this has to be in our favor."

Matthew thought for a moment. "Since Mr. Rappaport now has as much legal right to make decisions for Todd as Todd's sister and since you say he is dissatisfied with the care Todd is getting, I think the best way for you to go is to convince him to take Todd out of the hospital and avoid a court case."

"Are you saying that you no longer want this case?" Blair was getting anxious and angry.

"No. I'm trying to advise you to take the best course of action. Taking this before a judge will not only be very expensive, it will also be very hard on all concerned, especially on Mr. Manning."

Blair sighed and tried to gather her thoughts. She wasn't sure she trusted Sam. If he suddenly got over whatever was going on with him or if Viki, Téa, Kevin or Susannah were able to influence him and get him firmly on their side Blair knew she would lose Sam's support. Another thing that concerned her was Sam having control of Todd's life. Blair meant it when she told Sam she wanted him to always be a part of Todd's life and be in on decisions. She even meant it when she told Sam he could live at the penthouse so he could be close to Todd. What she didn't want was Sam having more legal rights than she did to make decisions for Todd. Blair wanted to be in control. She wanted to be able to keep Téa away from him. She wanted to be in control of Todd's finances. Blair told herself she was not doing this to get her hands on Todd's money for herself. She believed she was doing it for Starr. She wanted to make sure Starr's birthright was protected. In her mind she was also doing it to protect Todd from Téa and to make sure that she and Starr would be the center of Todd's life when he got well. Blair was not as easily able to deny her need for revenge on Téa for taking Starr away from her. When Blair thought about it, she always told herself that her instincts about Téa were right. 'That bitch proves it by screwing around with Kevin while Todd is locked in a mental hospital.' Blair had said to herself many times.

Blair wanted what she once had with Todd. Even though Blair often blamed Marty Saybrooke for ending what she thought of as her fairytale marriage to Todd, when she allowed herself to think things through, she blamed herself even more. She knew she had lied to Todd over and over again. While he believed the basis for their relationship was honesty, she lied to him about being pregnant. She was always sorry that she had done that. At the same time she excused her actions by thinking. 'I did it for Mama. I couldn't let them put her back in a state hospital.' Blair remembered how she could only think of Cord when she and Todd were first married. Despite how kind and generous Todd was to her, Cord was never far from her thoughts. Blair would kick herself when she remembered lying in Todd's arms and dreaming of Cord. Blair would have given anything to be in Todd's arms again. She hated herself for the way she turned on Todd after they lost their first child. Todd had been hurting as much as she had and yet she turned on him. She remembered that even then, she still dreamed of a life with Cord. 'Todd was the best husband anyone could dream of having. If only I could go back . . . I'd take it all back.' Blair thought over and over again during the past few months.

Blair remembered the way she lied to Todd about Patrick, despite the many chances he had given her to tell him she and Patrick had made love. She could still see herself and Todd standing in the stateroom aboard that yacht, just as she and Todd were on the brink of reuniting. She could hear herself finally confessing to Todd that she had a sexual relationship with Patrick. She knew something was eating away at Todd too. She promised him that she would stand by him no matter what he told her. Then just a couple of hours later, when Carlo Hesser showed her the proof that it was Todd who had kidnaped Starr, Blair turned on him and didn't give him a chance to explain. Blair understood that she had every right to be furious with Todd for that. What she had now come to realize was that despite knowing how big an issue trust was for Todd, she broke her word to him. She did not stand by him no matter what. She allowed Dorian to influence her. She stood by while Dorian bad-mouthed Todd and talked her into telling the police Todd could have killed Carlo and even worse . . . She allowed herself to be talked into trying to take Starr away from Todd. She actually allowed herself to believe that Todd would not be a good father to Starr. 'How could I have ever thought that?' she would chastise herself.

Blair would always start crying when she remembered how strong Todd had been while Starr was sick. Todd was not only a tower of strength for Starr. He was strong for Blair as well. She knew she never would have made it through that or her accident if it had not been for Todd. Yet she chose to side with Dorian and then Patrick, against Todd. She remembered how Todd's face looked the day he stood there in her hospital room in Philadelphia and she told him they were through. Blair felt guilt heaped on top of guilt when she thought of all the times she told Todd she would take Starr away and never let him see her. She remembered how she conspired with Max to take the Sun away from Todd, despite knowing how much that paper meant to him. Many a night Blair lay awake wishing things could have worked out differently. She could not believe she actually once considered Todd second best to Cord and she could not even remember what she had ever seen in Max.

In her more rational moments Blair had to admit that Téa put up with a lot from Todd and never turned on him the way she had, at least not until that day in the garden shed. Blair knew she walked away from Todd for much less than some of the things he had done to Téa. Blair could not accept that her love had been conditional. Blair still couldn't see that it was her pattern to turn on someone when they didn't fulfill her insatiable need for love, attention, power and revenge. The lack of nurturing Blair had as a child had left her as damaged as Todd in some ways. The difference was that Todd, for the most part, was able to put those he loved before himself and his own needs and for the most part, Blair could not.

It was illness in those she loved that brought out the best in Blair. She selflessly took care of her mother from the moment she found her in that state institution. She always put Starr and Starr's needs first during Starr's illness and now she was genuinely terrified for Todd and wanted to do whatever it would take to get him well. Blair felt love for him and love for the child alters. Her heart broke for all of them and for what they had been through. What Blair didn't realize was that in all likelihood, if and when Todd was ever well again, without going through therapy, she would most likely fall back into her old patterns. Blair told herself Téa stuck it out for the money. She could not admit Téa's love Todd, nevertheless the depth of that love.

Now Blair mourned her loss. She remembered the way Todd made her feel. No one in her life had ever been as generous to her or had encouraged her dreams the way Todd had or had supported her need for revenge the way Todd did. He never thought less of her for that need. She thought of herself and Todd as team. Together they would take down Llanview and make everyone who'd ever crossed them sorry. What Blair never understood was that while Todd considered revenge sweet, he considered the family life he had with her and Starr sweeter. In their first marriage Blair's biggest thrill was "we'll show them. We'll show all of them." Todd's was having the family he longed for. While revenge and power were Blair's strongest desire, Todd's strongest desire was being loved and having a real family. Todd wanted the kind of family he had only seen on television. Looking back on that time, Blair now realized that even though they both agreed there would be no love, when they married the first time, Todd started to love her almost from the start. Blair had to admit that she realized, even then, Todd needed to be loved as much as an abused puppy that had been thrown out on the street. She also had to admit she took advantage of that. She knew Todd was starting to love her while she still only had love or Cord and a need for Todd's money and power. She also knew how much that must have hurt Todd. Once again, Blair wished she could go back and do it all over again.

More than anything Blair wanted back what Todd had been able to give her. She knew he thought she was smart and talented. She also knew Todd was loyal and would never cheat on her or leave her and what was most important to Blair . . . Todd always put her first. The doubts she had about herself disappeared when she married Todd. No one had brought the kind of excitement to Blair's life the way Todd did. She realized she threw it all away and she hated herself for that. Blair wanted it all back. There were moments when Blair would allow herself to see that Todd was already ill during their marriage and that it may have been alters she was dealing with at times. Blair would quickly push these thoughts from her mind. Thoughts that Todd may never get well were pushed away even faster.

The one thought Blair would never even allow to enter her conscious mind was that Todd truly loved Téa. Blair would allow that Todd thought he loved Téa. However, even when it stared her in the face, she could never allow herself to believe that Todd's love for Téa was genuine. She attributed any feelings he had for Téa to his illness or to her pushing him away. 'I drove him into Téa's clutches,' Blair would think to herself. Blair told herself Todd had to have loved her more because he had been able to have sex with her. She had yet to learn the lesson Téa was slowly learning. The physical act of sex is not the same as making love. From the time Blair was a teenager she realized her body was her best chance of getting what she wanted. When she got what she wanted, be it a man, a company or even revenge against those who wronged her, Blair felt loved, temporarily. That feeling would never last and Blair would always need more . . . more giving, more attention, and more power. Blair would use sex not only as a way to get the things she needed to feel loved, but also as a reward to those who gave it to her. It's eased her conscience when she felt she had used someone she cared about. Most of all, sex meant power to Blair. It meant being able to be in control. With Todd, she was always the aggressor. Sometimes, in her darkest moment, Blair would wonder how a man who also thought of sex as a means of power and control had allowed this. 'Could it have been an alter?' Blair would wonder.

Blair's fears that Susannah and being in the hospital were harming Todd were real. Blair had never gotten over the trauma seeing her mother in the hospital she first found her in. Blair desperately wanted to do whatever it would take to make Todd well and whole. To that end, her belief he would do much better and be safer if he were under her care and living at home was genuine. Unfortunately, this was not all that drove Blair's obsession with getting Todd back home. Blair also wanted to make sure that when Todd was well it would be she and Starr that were the center of his life and no one else. Blair always felt safest and most secure in Todd's love when she isolated him. This was the way Blair felt safest in most of her relationships. The little girl who grew up in an orphanage with no love and little caring needed to be the center of the universe to those she wanted love from. Blair always expected her happiness to be taken away from her. Sharing did not come easily. Blair's "it's us against the world" mentality was her fortress. It was intended to keep out those who would take away what she considered hers. Now, Blair wanted to bring Todd back into that fortress. She would do whatever it took to accomplish this.

"Mr. Allen. I certainly would never want to do anything that would add to Todd's suffering. I am more than willing to give Sam a chance to help me become Todd's legal guardian. I want to make sure we are clear on that. I want to be Todd's guardian. I don't want Sam to have a legal say in Todd's life. I respect Sam and I would always want his opinion, but I don't think he's in any shape to make decisions for Todd. If Sam agreed to take Todd out of the hospital with the condition that he remain Todd's guardian . . . of course I would be happy that Todd was out of the hospital . . . but I would still want to go to court and have them appoint me as Todd's guardian." Blair suddenly thought of something. "Mr. Allen, do you think I'd have a better chance taking Todd's guardianship away from Sam than I would from Viki?"

"Actually, yes, Mr. Rappaport is not very stable himself, if he is as you've described. He is not a relative of Todd's. Just getting Todd out of the hospital does not mean that Mr. Rappaport is Todd's sole guardian. There is still Mrs. Carpenter to contend with. In any case, that was not my point Mrs. Manning. I am trying to tell you that the best thing for all concerned it not to have this go to court."

Blair was no longer hearing what he had to say. All she could think about was making sure that Sam took Todd away from Viki and out of the hospital, if he were willing to allow her to be appointed Todd's guardian, fine. If not, she would have much less trouble getting Todd away from Sam than from Viki. Blair wanted to get over to the hospital and see what condition Sam was in, not to mention Todd. "Mr. Allen, I need to be clear on one thing. If it comes to it and this goes to court, will you represent me?"

"Yes, Mrs. Manning. I told you that long ago. I'm not refusing to represent you. It is my job to give you the best advice. Advising you to work this out among yourselves is, in my professional opinion, the best way to go."

"Thank you. I do understand that and I will think about what you told me," Blair promised. She reached for her purse and suddenly realized that she left it in her car trunk. She had rested it down when she was gathered the clasp envelopes that contained the pictures and notes she wanted to show Matthew. Blair hated that she had been without her cell phone all this time. She was always afraid of something happening to Todd. She wanted to make sure she could be reached at any time.

What Blair did not know was that Starr's school had been trying to reach her to ask if Starr was ill. Blair would always call them if Starr had to say home from school. It was a safety precaution. Blair and Todd both knew that as the child of a wealthy newspaper publisher Starr was a target for kidnappers. From the time Starr entered preschool Todd and then Blair had always made the same arrangements. If Starr needed to miss a day of school, one of Starr's parents would notify the school. If Starr did not show up for class, the school would notify them. In the years that Starr had attended the private school that Todd had chosen for her, the school had never needed to notify Blair or Todd. The only time Starr didn't attend class was when her parents kept her home and they had notified the school. Starr's teacher became immediately concerned when Starr's desk remained empty and no word came from Starr's mother.

Secrets 108, Page 2