"Do you believe Todd is capable or rape again?" Kevin asked Susannah.
"I believe that Todd thinks he is. Kevin, those impulses may always be there. Todd learned to control them and not act upon them. We can't take the impulses away. We can only help patients to learn to control them. In a more direct answer to your question, no, I don't believe Todd would rape again. I saw in the notes Ray Martino, the prison psychologist, sent me that one of the things that made Todd angriest with Marty Saybrooke were the feelings she stirred in him, feelings of hope that someone was caring about him and perhaps would be a person he could become close to. Then she made him feel like he was just a warm body to her and that he wasn't special. He felt betrayed once again. The good feelings triggered the bad feelings. Wanting love and affection left Todd feeling a loss of control. This triggered rage and a need to punish Marty. Rape was one of the ways Todd learned to punish. Rape is not a sexual act. It is an act of violence. It was one of the violences Peter used to punish Todd. What made it all the more confusing for Todd is that at times sexual abuse was not used as punishment or an act of violence. Peter used it to show affection. It was the only times Todd was ever touched, spoken to, paid attention to or made to feel wanted and loved. It also gave Todd a sense of power. Like Angel, Todd felt he had the power to give his father something that he wanted. Todd needed a father's love so strongly that there may have been a part of him that was happy he at least had something his father wanted. This, in addition to any feelings of pleasure or even orgasm that Todd experienced, led to extreme feelings of guilt. Much like the rape led to extreme feelings of guilt. Todd is not yet able to separate all the confused and terrifying feelings he has about sex. Todd's sexuality is a tangle of dozens of emotions that all result in a state of panic and often rage when he feels sexually aroused. The closer the memories come to the surface the more panic stricken and frightened he becomes of what he may do or what he has done during a time he can't remember."
"What was this memory and flashback about?" Viki asked nervously. She was afraid to hear it.
"From what we could gather during Todd's memory and flashback, Peter was molesting Todd. Barbara was drunk and on her way to the bathroom. She opened the door to Todd's room and saw what was happening. She physically attacked Peter. He dragged her down to the living room. He beat and raped her. He spit and urinated on her. Todd had followed them down and saw it. When Peter caught him, he forced him to urinate on Barbara's face and forced Todd to place his penis on his mother's face and in her mouth. Peter held a scissors to Todd's genitals and threatened to cut them off if he didn't comply. Peter wanted Todd to have an erection. Peter became sexually aroused by this and had either dry sex with Todd, meaning there was no penetration or he may have sodomized him."
Viki gasped. Kevin's hands closed into tight fists. He wanted to hit someone or something. He had a flash of Peter Manning's face. He wanted to punch it until it was unrecognizable. Sam closed his eyes tightly. A part of him didn't want to hear anymore. Another part of him wanted to know every detail of the horrors Todd had been subject to. Sam wanted to hear it because it caused him to suffer. It heaped guilt upon guilt. Sam wanted to hurt. He unconsciously wanted to be punished for not saving Todd. He sat quietly and listened as Susannah continued.
"Todd may have seen another alter then and now, possibly Andy. My guess is that he and this alter both experienced depersonalization. They felt self-estrangement and a sense of unreality. Todd spoke of seeing a little boy on television being forced to engage in sexual activity with Barbara. He or they may have felt their body was not attached to them so the body doing this to the mother was a stranger's, or that it was a dream. What I believe is that this happened to Andy and today Andy's memory broke through the wall of his compartment. It flooded Todd's memory and caused him to have a spontaneous abreaction. Todd was flooded with raw trauma and he reexperienced it."
Téa knew Susannah was now getting to the part that would be most difficult for Sam, Viki and Kevin to understand. She still could not understand or believe it.
Susannah sighed and went on. "Because of this re-experiencing of the trauma, another alter came out."
"You mean a new one, one we've never met?" Kevin asked. "Yes. The last thing Todd said before this alter came out was 'I won't tell, daddy. I won't tell. Please daddy. I won't tell our secrets.' He then screamed 'no.' Todd has huge guilt issues over telling secrets about his father. Most of these have to do with Randy. Todd has never forgiven himself for what happened to the dog. He blames himself. Todd still has no memory of finding Randy's body by the water heater. Todd doesn't remember that Peter most likely poisoned the dog's food to teach him a lesson about telling anyone about the abuse. I'm fairly sure none of the children who were around then were allowed to grieve for the animal or show any sadness."
"Susannah, what does this have to do with Todd's memory or the new alter? Is the alter a little boy or girl who was around when Peter killed Randy?" Viki asked.
Téa shifted uncomfortably as Susannah continued. "Todd remembered being threatened not to tell. Perhaps he told someone about this. Perhaps it was Barbara who brought it up. Right now I don't know. I do know that something in this flashback triggered Todd's feelings about Randy."
"Does this alter want a puppy? I know it's probably against hospital regulations, but I don't give a damn about that. If he or she wants a puppy I'll get them one if I have to fight the entire hospital board to keep it here," Sam declared firmly.
"No, please let me continue and then you can ask me all the questions you want." Susannah stated. When she was sure everyone was quiet she continued once again. "The alter who came out today is an animal alter. He's a dog. He answers to Randy."
Sam, Viki and Kevin sat stunned. No one said a word or asked a question, at first. Viki was the first to speak. "I-I knew there could be animal alters, but . . . my God!" Viki became quiet again. She was trying to digest this.
"Come on Susannah," Kevin began. "Are you saying that the same way Timmy is really a four-year-old and Adam is autistic and Tom is a seven-year-old and . . . and Miss Perkins is an older woman, this alter is . . . is . . . a dog!"
"Yes," Susannah answered simply.
Téa turned to them. "I know it sounds impossible. He's moving and sounding just like a real dog. He came over to me and put his hands on my lap and licked my face in the exact way I dog I used to take care of did."
"I want to see him." Sam stood up and demanded. He headed for the dayroom.
"No Sam. Wait!" Susannah called out.
"That's my kid in there. You can't tell me when I can and can't see him anymore," Sam declared.
"Susannah, everyone. With all that went on Sam and I didn't have a chance to tell you our news." Viki smiled weakly. All she had just heard had overridden the happiness she had felt over feeling like she had done something to help Todd and Sam. "Sam is now Todd's legal guardian. We made it official this afternoon. He has the same right to decide treatment and everything else for Todd that I do."
There was total silence for a moment. "Congratulations Sam," Téa spoke first. She tried to make the best out of an uncomfortable situation. Téa did believe, with all her heart, that Sam loved Todd and only wanted the best for him. What she feared was that he no longer had any idea what that was.
"Sam, I'm sure as Todd's guardian you'll always want to do what's best for him." Susannah was far too honest to pretend to be happy about this. "I have to tell you that this alter is frightened of men. That is why I only have female staff in there with him."
"What!" Both Sam and Kevin exclaimed at the same time.
"My guess is that Randy was afraid of Peter. This may have made him afraid of all males. Todd is trying to work out all that Randy had to go through. He may have always believed that the dog was treated badly because he loved him. Todd does not think of his love for someone or something as a good thing. He thinks of it as a curse. He thinks terrible things happen to those he loves because he loves them. We do know Peter hated the dog. We know he forced him to stay in a cold, damp basement. He may have been abusive toward the dog. We don't know. Todd is working through what he saw happen to a beloved pet."
"Are you saying we have to stay away from Todd while he's this alter?" Kevin asked. He did not like the sound of this either.
"Yes. He growls and tries to bite any men that have come near him," Jeff responded to Kevin.
"Look. I’ll take my chances. I want to see Todd," Sam insisted.
"Sam, Randy becomes terrified when any man is near him. He crawls under the furniture and cowers. He begins to tremble," Frank informed him.
"I don't want to cause him any additional suffering," Sam softly acquiesced.
"Honey. I’m sorry. I know you were hoping to see Todd or one of the alters and help me tell them the good news," Viki acknowledged.
"I have a feeling you're the only one who thinks it's good news," Sam said coldly. "I'm going to the family lounge. There's nothing I can do for Todd right now," Sam added. He didn't wait for Viki or anyone to say anything else. He turned and headed for the lounge. Sam felt as if he were about to cry. He wanted to get away from everyone.
After Sam had gone, Viki asked, "Is he right? Do the rest of you think Sam becoming Todd's guardian is a bad thing?"
Kevin walked over to Viki and hugged her. "Mom, I know you love Todd with all your heart and you only want to insure he's taken care of by someone who loves him if something should happen to you. I also know you want to try to fix whatever the hell is wrong with Sam and give Todd a real father in the process. I can't blame you for any of that. I just hope this decision doesn't come back to haunt you," Kevin proclaimed.
Viki turned to Susannah. "Do you feel that way too?"
"I think Sam there is a lot going on with Sam. He has many issues. As I've told you, I believe he's experiencing symptoms of major depression. I'm afraid he may not me in the best mind frame to make the right decisions for Todd. I do believe that Sam has tremendous love for Todd and desperately wants to do what is best for him." Susannah was happy she could honestly add something encouraging.
"Téa, do you think I made a mistake?" Viki asked.
"Viki, I think you did what you thought is best for Todd. I believe Sam loves Todd very much. I know he will always try to make the best decisions for him. I'm just concerned that Sam is confused about what that might be."
Viki took a deep breath. She had heard all their concerns before and totally disagreed. Hearing them now, after the deed was done, left her a little anxious. She knew it most likely could be rescinded. It would kill Viki to do that. 'No! Sam loves Todd more than his own life, more than his own children. No matter how depressed or angry Sam gets he would never do anything to harm Todd. Todd needs Sam to be a real father to him. We need to be a real family,' Viki thought. To those in the lounge with her she said, "I still believe in my heart this is the best thing for Sam and most of all for Todd. I wish the rest of you could be happier about it. I'm sure Todd and the children alters will be happy when they find out about it." They all noticed the coldness in Viki's voice. They realized she was upset that they didn't think this was a good thing. "I'd like to see Todd now," Viki requested.
"Yes, of course you can see him. He's probably still asleep. You can head in there. I need to finish debriefing with Téa and the staff." Susannah turned to Téa. "I think it might be a good idea for you to sit in on this. I also think you might be more comfortable discussing your own feelings about what happened in a private session. We can do that later or whenever you'd like." Téa nodded gratefully. Susannah patted her arm. She understood.
Before Viki headed for the dayroom, Kevin called to her. "Mom, wait." Kevin walked over to where Viki stood. "I'm sorry if I upset you about Sam. I know you always want what's best for Todd. Maybe this will help Sam to get over what's eating away at him? Maybe it will give Todd some security? I just want you to know that no matter what, I'm in your corner, always."
Viki hugged Kevin. "I know you are sweetie. I'm sorry you can't see this alter or Todd. I know you'd like to be there for them."
"That's okay. If Todd comes out he would most likely not want to see me anyway. Maybe Randy can be gradually desensitized to men. Not that I hope he's out that long. Mom, I know Susannah says this is not that uncommon, but. . . ." Kevin's voice trailed off.
"I know, honey. I know." Viki squeezed Kevin's arm. They left "what if Todd stays this way?" unspoken.
"I guess it's all right if I wait out here until you or someone comes out and lets us know how he's doing." Kevin not only wanted to know because he was concerned for Todd. He didn't want to go back to that big empty house and he didn't think he could concentrate if he went to the paper. Kevin felt lost and unsure of what to do with himself. He felt as if his only purpose in life was being there for Timmy and Adam or taking care of the paper. When he wasn't doing either, he felt disconnected and out of place from everything.
Viki headed for the dayroom. Kevin glanced in Téa's direction. Along with the staff, Téa was discussing what had happened with Todd in the dayroom. Some of Téa's issues about causing this to happen had already been dealt with. The rest would be handled privately. Susannah was now allowing the staff to vent. She did not want them burning out.
Viki smiled and said hello to Steve, Angelo and Dave, who were posted right outside the door. She quietly slipped into the dayroom. Her eyes quickly darted about looking for Todd. Just as Viki saw him curled up on the floor, Marcia noticed her standing by the door. She put her finger up to her lips to make sure Viki realized Todd was asleep. Viki walked over to Todd. She looked down at him. There was something different about his expression. She had never seen his face look quite this way before. She noticed his hands kept brushing against his mouth as he slept. She realized it was exactly the way a dog pawed at his mouth when something was bothering him, like a sore tooth or a bone fragment stuck in his throat. Todd would whimper occasionally. It sounded exactly the way a dog's whimpering would sound. A tear rolled down Viki's cheek.
Viki wanted to stroke his head. She was afraid of waking him. Viki headed to where Marcia, Connie and Gwen sat. "Was his mouth injured in some way?" Viki asked.
"No, we don't know why, but he's been doing that ever since he fell asleep. His sleep has been fitful." Connie answered.
"He looks like he's in pain," Viki observed, staring at Todd.
"I'm sorry, Viki. We just don't know. He can't tell us if he is. We'll have to wait until he wakes up. If he's still an animal alter, perhaps he will give us some indication of what is bothering him."
"Susannah says he responds to being called Randy," Viki stated.
"Yes, he came to her immediately when she called out Randy. He's very affectionate toward women."
"I heard. That did not set to well with Kevin and Sam," Viki responded. Viki went on to tell them the news about Sam becoming Todd's guardian. Connie, Gwen and Marcia's reaction was much the same as everyone else's had been. For a moment Viki doubted her judgment. Then she thought of the love in Sam's eyes whenever he looked at "their kid." 'I know I did the right thing,' Viki thought.
Out of the corner of their eyes they saw Todd stir. To their amazement Todd got up on all fours again. He stretched exactly the way they had all seen dogs stretch upon awakening. He sniffed the ground. Apparently he had woken up as Randy. Viki sat down on the couch. She lowered her hand and called out, "Randy."
With unbelievable quickness, using his hands and knees, Randy ran over to her. He sniffed her hand and licked it. Chin down, he rested his head on her knee. Viki stoked his hair. "Randy," Viki whispered. She bent and kissed his head. Viki patted the couch next to her. She was hoping he'd climb up and sit with her. Randy pulled back. He cocked his head. Viki could see confusion in his eyes. "Randy come sit next to me," Viki coaxed. She patted the couch again. Randy started to whine and whimper.
"Todd's Randy may not have been allowed on any furniture," Marcia suggested.
Tears filled Viki's eyes. "I hadn't thought of that," she admitted.
Connie thought Randy might be hungry or thirsty. She had no idea what he might eat. Preserving Todd's dignity was always the staff's first priority in this kind of situation, no matter which alter was out, so first she tried to hold a cup of water out to him. He sniffed it, but didn't drink. He had been without fluids for too long. She didn't like it. She filled a bowl with water and placed it on the floor. Randy approached it, sniffed it and drank thirstily. It killed Viki to see her beautiful brother lapping up a bowl of water like a dog. She knew that right now that what Todd needed so she contented herself with that knowledge.
Connie stepped to the door and asked Angelo to please order a couple of hamburgers from the kitchen and to go to the pantry and see if they had any cheese or cold cuts in there. He returned in a few minutes and handed her some American cheese. "Sorry, no meat," he apologized. "The burgers should be here in about twenty minutes. I told them to make sure not to put anything on them. My guess is he won't like ketchup or pickles," Angelo smiled.
Connie took the cheese. "No," she smiled. "I don't think he would."
"Viki," Connie asked, "would you like to try to feed him?"
"Yes, very much," Viki replied.
Connie handed her the package of cheese. Viki opened it and took out a slice. She broke a piece off. Randy was still drinking. When he finished she called, "Randy."
He once again scurried to where she sat. Viki held out the piece of cheese to him. Randy yelped as if something had hurt him. He started to whimper and dashed under the table again. Once there, he began to tremble and continued to whimper.
"What happened? Dear Lord! Did I hurt him? Did I do something to him?" They heard the panic in Viki's voice.
Marcia approached her. "Viki, we're not sure. Perhaps the smell of the cheese reminded him of something. I'm sure it's nothing you did. He's been responding very well to you."
They didn't try to force him from beneath the table. Viki calmed herself. She sat silently, waiting out whatever was happening to Randy.
Téa had stayed for part of the debriefing. Susannah was right. Téa did not feel comfortable discussing what had happened between her and Rodd. She was also very tired. She did not want a private session this evening. She wanted to see Randy again and then go home and escape into a deep sleep.
When Kevin saw Téa heading for the dayroom he approached her. "It's not your fault. I hope you believe that," Kevin stated firmly.
"I don't want to talk about it, Kevin." Kevin could hear sadness and fatigue in Téa's voice.
"I'm sorry. I guess you had a pretty full day. Todd, Tom, Todd again, Rodd, Todd once more and now Randy," Kevin acknowledged.
"Yes, it's been a long day. In some ways the best day I've had in a very long time. In other ways. . . ." Téa's voice trailed off.
"Maybe you should go home and rest," Kevin suggested.
"I will, as soon as I see Randy again. I'm sorry. I know you would feel better if you could see that he's all right with your own eyes. He is terrified of men. He was trembling like a leaf when any of the men approached him," Téa informed Kevin.
Kevin was going to ask Téa if she wanted to get something to eat after she saw Randy. He felt guilty. He knew he could no longer associate with Téa outside the hospital. Not until he was able to fully control his feelings. One part of Kevin wanted to discuss what Téa had heard him say about her when he was talking to Tom, another part of him was very relieved Téa was not bringing it up. They had all had enough for one day. "Hey so what do you think of Rachel being back in town?" Kevin asked, changing the subject.
"It's great! I still have some residual anger over her allowing Todd to be blamed for murdering Georgie and triggering this whole thing, but I do realize that Todd was very ill before he ever met Rachel. I suppose sooner or later something else would have triggered his complete mental collapse. I'm happy Rachel is going to try to get her life back in order. Rachel looks fantastic," Téa added.
"Yes, she does," Kevin agreed. He looked to see if Téa would react to him saying that. She didn't in the slightest. Téa's mind was on getting in to see Randy. "Téa, when you go in can you please tell my mom I'll wait for her. I want to hear how he's doing."
"Sure I will. I'm sorry you can't see him yourself," Téa repeated.
The debriefing had ended. Susannah headed in Téa and Kevin's direction. "Is Viki still in with Randy?" Susannah asked.
"Yes, she hasn't come out yet," Kevin responded.
"I was just about to go in to say goodnight to him and to Viki. That's all right isn't it?" Téa posed.
"Sure," Susannah replied.
"I'll wait in the lounge," Kevin announced. He looked desponded as he walked away from them. Both Susannah and Téa felt compassion for him.
Susannah and Téa stepped into the dayroom. They scanned the room. Randy was no longer on the floor or anywhere they could see him. Connie headed for Susannah. "He woke up. He took to Viki immediately. He ran to her when she called him and allowed her to stroke his head. He drank a bowl of water. The bowl had to be placed on the floor," Connie began to fill them in. Téa winced when she heard he would only drink out of a bowl of water placed on the floor. Connie continued. "I got Angelo to bring some cheese for him and order some plainly cooked burgers. Those should be here soon. I gave Viki the cheese. When she held it out to him, he became frightened. He began to whine and whimper and dove back under the table. He began trembling. He's calmed a little since then. His trembling has stopped and he stopped crying, but he won't come back out."
Susannah approached Viki. She took and then squeezed her hand. "Are you all right?"
"Yes, I'm fine. Susannah, please try to get him to come out from under the table," Viki pleaded. She was near tears.
