The older woman wondered if maybe some company would help, and since the office was so slow, she walked around the glass partition with a cup of water to offer to her. Tapping her lightly on the shoulder, she automatically jumped back by reflex as the simple motion caused the nervous woman to leap a few inches out of her chair and out of her skin.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Manning, I just thought maybe a couple of sips of this might calm you while you wait." She perched next to her on the chair and gave her leg a comforting pat.

"Oh, sure, thanks," she stumbled across her words and accepted the water gratefully. Tea looked up into the eyes of the older woman and found them soft and understanding in a maternal way that made her feel, at first thought, as though she could spill all of her secrets and worries and be completely safe in that. It hit her just as suddenly that she was almost incapable of doing that---the pull was strong in surrogates like Carlotta, and even in strangers like the nurse from time to time, but motherly still didn't equate with trust for her. The sad truth was, it was an automatic response for her to be touched by it but to simultaneously build armor against it, and toughen herself to not allow herself to be affected by it in the way she impulsively wanted to accept it. She shook her head, and struggled to compose herself, wrapping her secret fears and anxieties in tight to herself.

"It's me that should apologize" she said, twisting her hands a little, after placing the cup down in front of her. "So jumpy…" she laughed a nervous laugh and tried to avert looking into her eyes because despite it all, that understanding nature suddenly made her want to cry.

"Don't you worry, the whole range of emotions walk through these doors and fills this room at all the stages of pregnancy. It's only natural…" The nurse broke off as she noticed the quick look of pain that flashed through Tea's eyes at her words. She continued to hold that pause instinctively as Tea struggled to put her words together in response.

"I'm afraid I can't excuse myself with that one either," she said, looking down into her lap as she spoke, and then looking up with tired eyes that failed miserably in the attempt to cover hope being consumed by fear. "I only wish I could. I'm not pregnant, and I don't know if I ever will be. All the not knowing vs. the hoping…it can really do a number with your head. I need some answers, you know?" she explained, trying to control the emotion in her voice.

"Don't give up your dreams, love. It might not be just as you expect it, but you hold on to that hope. Life works in mysterious ways sometimes. Working in this office I see dreams answered and miracles happen every day…"

Tea looked away again and bit her lip until she almost drew blood, unaware of the pain.

For those who are deserved of miracles…not someone like me. Not someone who had her chance…

Another patient came in and waited to be checked in at the front desk, so nurse Megan Connelly jumped up to return to her post, with a final smile of encouragement. Tea nodded her thanks, and then shifted her attention to the very pregnant woman who had just entered the office. She watched her sit down slowly and naturally rest her hand on her stomach…on the son or daughter she carried inside of her, and she wondered what that felt like and if she'd ever find out for herself. A surge of irrational jealousy surged to the surface, and she mentally chided herself for the selfishness, pushing it down and focusing instead on the posters situated around the office. Drawn in by one directly in front of her across the way, she felt a pang from deep inside as she got lost in the big, bright, inquisitive eyes of a newborn experiencing the world for the first time.

Big beautiful eyes…blue though…nothing like my own dark ones, not quite like Todd's, though sometimes, at their clearest, they can almost flash that color. No, our baby…

She paused in the middle of the thought.

Our baby…

She began to work the thread again, though unable to break her focus on the poster.

Unconsciously, she began to adapt the baby's features for the child who would be a cross between herself and Todd in all the various "what ifs", not sure if what she felt in doing that was comfort, or a pain so deep that it made her numb at the thought that she was playing with a dream she'd never know…or maybe some convoluted combination of the two.

All I know for sure is that I feel this pull in me…from deep inside, so strong that it's beyond reason or understanding, when I see 'you' in my mind's eye...and I hear you in my dreams…but I may never have you. I don't…deserve…you.

Tea flashed back to her dream from the night before.

…the cry you couldn't get to…the version of yourself that blocked the way…and your mother, behind you…

She shook her head and rubbed her temple, her heart racing as fast as her troubled and confused thoughts. And deep down…

The fear…

The Prophecy of Punishment…

A Legacy continued…

And the secret that went untold.

Her face burned with shame, and the feelings of disgust she had for herself for what she did---and that she hid this part of herself, among others, from her husband---were strong enough to turn her stomach.

I can't give it life again with the words…I can't do this.

For so long it had been forgotten. She made herself forget to try to keep herself out of the depths of self-loathing, fear, confusion, and depression that she'd known back then and which threatened her again now.

Tea grabbed her bag in trembling hands and began to rise to her feet to walk out without the answer she sought. Knowing, not knowing…it was a Catch-52. Either way, she didn't feel strong enough to bear this now.

As she stood up to leave, her receptionist 'friend' caught her eye and gave her a smile of support.

"The doctor is ready for your consult, Mrs. Manning. You can go in now."

Tea stood frozen for a minute, with that sense of being caught between fight and flight.

You have to know…if this is your punishment.

That taunting internal voice filled her thoughts again, that of her deepest hidden fears pushing their way out of the darkness at a time when she wasn't strong enough to hold them in check…keep the control.

Squaring her shoulders, she took them on, fighting for some control over a destiny and a life that lately seemed anything but.

You think you can just rise to the surface now of your own accord? I don't think so. Let's play.

The challenge was issued, and it would be on her terms.

If they wanted out into the light, she was going to choose when and how, not the other way around. She was going to discover how much strength her fears had the right to claim.

With a nod to the receptionist, she walked into the office and closed the door behind her.

*****

Todd reclined back in his chair and regarded the journals on his desk with deep suspicion. He drummed his fingers systematically on the armrest, feeling his face set into a full out, hard core scowl. One thing was for certain; Ana Delgado had 'great' timing. Her ghost, and the painful legacy that she had left behind had been stalking Tea like her shadow these days for some reason, and there had been this new tension in her and extending between them that was already enough to etch a permanent line or two in his brow. Now he wondered if she'd sent her words to follow, to only twist the knife further. All these feelings that were being brought to the surface were somehow so connected to the past, and he was left with the nagging feeling that this fated revisiting of the person who seemed to be such a trigger would set something in motion that could have effects and consequences that he would be hard pressed to control.

Screw that. Fucking demons.

He had more enemies than he could count, but none as ruthless as that which had no face, no form.

His demons…hers…theirs…somewhere along the line, they all became one in the same. Tea would probably say that was 'love'. Whatever it was, it increased the fight in him tenfold. There were certain lines not to be crossed.

Todd equated anything "beyond control" as threat, and between the two of them, he felt the fear first and foremost for Tea, who he vowed to protect against all odds, a vow that he reaffirmed every day deep inside of himself, the first thing when he woke up, and the last thing before giving in to sleep when it found him, and several times in between, just as he did for his daughter. There were those in his circle that he would take on Hell itself to defend…and that included reigning in the Hell that he felt inside of himself. He had taught himself throughout life that survival depended on making sure some things were held bound, demons and legacies from the past among them. Anything that threatened her destroyed him in return.

He felt that he had to evaluate the threat held between these covers at all costs. The most obvious of those was that there was probably no bigger secret that he could keep from her, and if she discovered it, she might not understand the choice that he had made. She might see it as a betrayal and feel controlled in a way that she would fight with everything in her with that strength of hers. She might not understand, but for him, it was the only way.

Todd flipped through one of the journals, without really focusing on the words, flying by in a blur of passing pages.

"Demon, savior, neither, or a little of both?" He asked aloud, without even a thought to feel strange, conversing with the pages.

They had a story to tell, and answers to give.

"Bring it on…"

Too unconventional to do anything by any kind of imposed system of rules, he opened the first one not to the first page, but to the first page he happened to land on, tilted his chair back, and began to read.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

May, 1962

He came to see me again, the young man from upstairs, Leon Delgado. Papi invited him down and asked him to visit, so I couldn't refuse though I wanted to---it was important to me to give me all to my studies for my exams the next day. Papi doesn't think much of books or my ideas of what is important and how I want things to be for me…it is only his whats and hows that matter in the end. That's how it's always been, yet for whatever reason, I still look for it to be different each time, but it never is. So I pushed the books and the desire to know things for myself aside to make him smile, to let his ideas become how it will be…but not without a heavy heart.

And I did just that…I smiled for Papi, and for Leon, and I played the role that I've watched Mami play all these years. I jump at their every wish and desire to bring the smile instead of the fist and the yelling. "I played the role…" I wonder sometimes if people know what an actress I am. It's not a role that I play for traditional good reviews or roses tossed at my feet, though on some level, I guess a result along the same lines is where it takes me. My life is like one long one act play produced by Papi and his domination.

I'm sorry dear friend…I'm having a bitter day today, as you can tell, and will try to make it up to you tomorrow by filling your margins with happy thoughts.

I play the role of what I have to be, not who I want to be. I think you, blessed pages, are "the only ones" who understand what a big difference that is. Mami tells me it is my duty…on my bitter days I'd label it my curse. Semantics…but the root of the difference is so much more. I've found my secret way out, my escape, I guess you could say. I just make it part of my training to one day make my own dreams come true. I've become good at playing someone I'm not…and one day I want to make that real. I want to take it to the stage, only when I do, it will be so much more. I'll escape into the people that I want to be, rather than hiding who I really am behind a mask that has never fit.

Sometimes, I can almost hear the crowds, and on the days that Mr. Solomon lets me sneak into the local theater house, I carry their enthusiastic responses home with me and then I let the echoes out after I've performed my part in front of the cracked glass panel in the bathroom, in a whisper, long after everyone's been asleep.

Someday, I'll be an actress. Tonight, I am just Ana. I have only one audience to please, and a role that never changes. A part that I despise.

I did have my savior in little Del tonight. He came over with his father, and while the men talked about their things, we escaped into the kitchen where I made him a snack and told him a story that my imagination conjured up just for him. He is a joy, a sensitive and sweet boy, the best parts of his father, nothing like as fleeting as they seem to be in Leon. I feel guilty as soon as I write that…I judge him pretty harshly, when I can't even claim to know him. Sometimes you just get a vibe off of someone, though…and it worries me that he gets along so well with Papi.

If he agrees with him…sees things his way…then how could he possibly understand me, or know me for me? Will it always be just more of the same? Like a bird in a cage that performs for favor while its spirit is slowly dying inside all the while…

Still, I could probably afford to be a little more optimistic. When Leon smiles at me, sometimes there is a softness there…maybe he will love me someday, not just because our families force it but because that love really fills him. Maybe the smile will someday reach his eyes. Maybe I could trust him with my secrets. Maybe (so many maybes) he'd let me be me and together we could be…more. Maybe in the end, if Leon desires me as a wife, it will be a whole new world…and an escape to new things and a road to all my dreams---Out from under Papi's control and all the demands and the darkness. I just want to be free.

Free.

This bird wants to know what its like to fly. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Todd placed a finger in between those pages to hold his place for a second as he tilted back in his chair and let his mind wander in analysis over the excerpt he'd just read. It was his first taste of Ana Delgado beyond the occasional mentions that he could pull from Tea, and it was so revealing in her own voice like that, it almost made him uncomfortable to read.

He stood up slowly and walked around the desk, beginning his typical 'lost in thought' carpet wearing pacing action. His gut told him he was holding something of the ultimate importance in his hand, but would it be gift or bombshell if he gave this right now to Tea? What was deeper into the story? What happened when the part of her that had abandoned her made itself known? Sure, it seemed harmless now…in a strange way, he almost felt drawn to her himself because of the pain in her words…but what if that drew Tea in, and then later, she was cut down by someone she felt that much more connected to? He reached the immediate conclusion that it would destroy her, and that thought made his blood run cold and hardened his heart again to the woman who's words had such a strong effect on the page.

He shook his head. No, he had to know more. The things he had in this life that were beyond important to him…his lifelines…were treated to his full moat and fortress treatment and he couldn't function any other way. If it turned out that all that was within the pages was safe, he'd just have to find a way to make her understand why he kept it from her until he knew that for sure. And if it wasn't…she'd never know about it.

He let his mind wander back to the page he'd just read. At this point Ana was still in school, still at home, and part of a seemingly forced acquaintance with Leon, who history, or in this case, the future, would prove to make Tea's father. It hardly seemed as though Cupid's Arrow had been jabbed into either at this point, and he furrowed his brow wondering if and when the extra little "love junk" would enter into the mix.

Almost unconsciously, he felt shades of Tea in Ana just in the short excerpt…the voice on paper rang familiar and he tried to pin down the ways, though he was tentative about it because he didn't want to feel too much of his Tea in someone who might not deserve that association. His jury was still way out on this one, and it showed in his skeptical scowl.

Charlie Briggs walked in at that moment, caught a glimpse of that look, and tried to break for the door. Rarely did that expression have any advantage for him. Combined with the pacing, it could be a formula for a lethal tirade.

"Briggs!" The voice of Mr. Manning boomed in a way that Charlie didn't dare challenge with escape.

"What can I do for you, Mr. Manning?"

"Are you married, Briggs?"

Charlie rolled his eyes and sighed, but did both actions "on the inside" only, and both were fleeting. He must have answered that question a thousand times since he'd taken the post here many years ago as editor. But his first reaction was always followed by a soft smile. It meant that the boss was about to ask him for relationship advice…and on some level, it was nice. He'd never had a son, and he'd heard through all of the rumor mills about the kind of father that Todd had grown up with; for a few minutes, these conversations would turn into something that almost bordered on paternal, and something in that touched him. He hid the smile and started the usual routine.

"Yes, Mr. Manning…to Mrs. Briggs…Helen." He always answered the questions exactly the same way.

"Yeah, right. Okay, so have you ever kept something from…Mrs. Briggs? Only you're not keeping it because it's something you screwed up, or something she'd kill you for…more like something you just want to keep hidden to…protect…her, something you don't want to touch her…?" he struggled to find the words.

Charlie concentrated on the question for a second, and then looked up into Todd's nervous glance. "Honestly, I bet there have been times…little things here and there…but Helen and I, we try not to have secrets if there's any way to avoid them. They have a way of…well…not staying secrets…of coming out into the open, and I find that they have a tendency to do that at the very worst times. But then, I guess it depends on the secret and what kind of pain it could cause…" He paused for a minute, wondering if he should push for more information. Tentatively, he forged on. "Is there something specific I can help you with? A problem between you and Mrs. Manning?" Briggs also had a special soft spot for Tea; right from the start of their relationship, as confusing as it seemed to be sometimes, he had taken to her. From a distance, he saw the effect that she had on the boss. She didn't remove his usual edge, but she softened it just a bit, and she added this new spark of life to his eyes that all of the employees talked about in secret around the water cooler since they had found each other.

Todd considered him in return. There was a kindness in the old guy's eyes that was both calming and unsettling in that it drew him in to say want to say more, and yet it was unfamiliar to him, all at the same time. He opened his mouth a few times, on the verge of wanting to ask for his thoughts on some of the things that were bothering him…Tea's new habit of dividing between neediness and distance and how he didn't know what to do about it, the times that he knew something was hurting her and yet the feeling that she only pulled more inside of herself whenever whatever that was hit, the whole 'baby' thing, and the mysterious journals and the question of what in the hell he should do with them…

There was a pull there to put some of it out there, but he shut it down as quickly as it hit.

"Nope, just a little employee exam. Here at The Sun, we wanted to make sure that problems at home aren't what's making my circulation numbers take a dive…"

Charlie gave him a crooked smile, shrugged a little and then nodded is head as their usual routine fell into place again.

Todd watched him go, and turned with half a smile of its own. It disappeared as his mind focused in on Briggs' words…

…They have a way of not staying secrets, of coming out into the open…tendency to do that at the worst times…

He tossed the journal aside on his desk, but his thoughts were stalked by secrets. Somehow, he had the sense that they were zeroing in on all sides, and he felt the hairs raise on his neck, as if they were an enemy that was about to pounce, and he was helpless in the face of attack.

*****

Tea sat behind the heavy wooden desk, pushed her hair behind her ears and sat up a little straighter as Dr. Andrea Bateman walked into the room from the side door. She stood up quickly and took the hand offered in introduction, cursing silently as she saw her own trembling.

"Hello Mrs. Manning, good to meet you. Have a seat and just relax, okay? I don't bite." Her manner was gentle and open…an easy-going nature that would have had a calming effect on a better day.

Breathe, Delgado…breathe…

"Dr. Kirtley recommended you come see me, right? He sent over your files the other day, and I took an early look at them. I guess he gave you the heads up that I lean a little more in the direction of taking on cases that involve difficulty in conception…"

She chattered on in her enthusiastic manner, but somehow, for Tea, it sounded as if it was coming through some kind of tunnel. She found herself nodding as if on cue, but it was almost like she was watching all of the formalities from someplace outside of herself. Her thoughts were very focused on one aspect…that she was about to find out that the fears she fought to bury when they arose, that on top of the mental anguish, she was about to find out that there was a physical punishment for what she'd done as well.

Caught in a cycle of "sins of the mother"…and I didn't break it. I took the torch and ran with it. And now, have the fates chosen this reminder for me?

Tea was pulled from her thoughts by the hand of the doctor gently giving hers a few comforting taps to bring her back into the room.

"We're nowhere near the end of this road, you know…you're just setting that first toe on the path. If there's a problem, we'll find it. If we can fight it, fix it, or get around it, I'll do my best to help you find the way. One thing you're going to find about me, is that when I see women who want so badly to be a mother, I'm in with everything we can try to make that happen for you, and I don't take no for an answer if that's what the couple wants, until we've gone as far as you want to go…" The doctor paused and caught her eye. "Your husband…he didn't come with you today? I'd like for him to be here to talk things through, and for emotional support…"

"He doesn't know I made this appointment to see you today. I didn't tell him. "

Dr. Bateman sat back, watching her new patient as she squared her shoulders and fought with what she wanted to say. When the silence stretched on, she jumped in.

"It's important that you've got him to lean on, and vice versa because…all of this…it comes with so many feelings…"

"And he's been that…he's been with me more than I deserve this last year…more than I deserve…"

"Why are you being so hard on yourself?" The doctor asked in a concerned tone.

Tea went on as if she hadn't heard her.

"I've locked him out…I didn't want him to know…I don't want him to know…"

"To know what, hon?"

"What I've done. That this is MY fault…" a single tear slipped unnoticed from Tea's eyes, bright with a thousand more like it. "The doctors, they say they're not sure why I can't get pregnant, but I know. I KNOW." Tea emphasized the word with force and a direct glance. She'd been handed a tissue that was already in shreds from the work of nervous fingers. "It's my punishment because I already had my chance at being a mother…once…a long time ago. I didn't know what to do then, and I don't know what to do now! I was no better than she was! If anything…I was worse. I didn't just abandon my baby, I never gave her a chance. She was mine…I had the feeling right from the first second I found out that I was pregnant that she was a girl…it went with the legacy, you know? I just…I was so young…and I was so scared…and I didn't know what to do and had no one to go to…" She took a deep halting breath. "I deserve to be punished, right? I did this…I hear her in my dreams, at night…crying…and I want to make it right and do it all again…but it's too late…"

The doctor came around by the side of her chair and knelt down beside her, placing her hands on her arm, bringing her back into the room again.

"Hon, slow down, and take a breath…"

"And he doesn't know…and I don't know how to tell him…I don't think he'll understand…"

"Understand what?" Andrea prodded gently.

"That I had an abortion. That I did that…to my baby then, and that my punishment is that I'll never get another chance. It's all my fault. It's all…my…fault."

Tea buried her face in her hands and allowed some of the tears to fall that she'd been holding back for a little over a decade.