First a little about me and my beliefs:  I'm a 15 year old female with a
wild mind and poetic thoughts.  Two years back I began to question my
sexuality.  I began to lust over a person who was at least 10 years older
than me.  It wasn't rare that I would obsess over someone who I couldn't
have, and it hurt deep inside.  But this time it wasn't just another guy who
I thought was cute and didn't like me back... it was another female.  At
first I tried to ignore my heart when it beat quickly as I gazed into her
eyes.  Then when I couldn't concentrate on anything anymore I decided I had
to tell somebody.  At that point I was to shy to tell anyone I knew
personally so I went online and surfed around in hopes of finding someone my
age going through the same thing.  I must have e-mailed hundreds of women
with lesbian/bi pages or profiles somewhere asking them for help.  Some
wrote back short, cliche answers that didn't apply to me, but one lady wrote
back this long heartfilled responce.  For the next few weeks I wrote to her
almost everyday and It felt so great to be able to come out to someone,
(even though I didn't know her) and it was even better to know that what I
was feeling wasn't sick or wrong or odd.  After months of talking to this
lady and dealing with my obsession I decided to start a webpage for other
females (and males) who were my age and confused...  and who didn't fit in
to the "we know who we are gay/bi/les and we are proud" group.  After I made
the page a lot of the visiters read my words and found that they, too, were
not alone.  At that point I decided I wanted to help anyone in my place (and
perhaps even help myself with every person I talk to who is in the same
situation as me).  Still to shy to come out in public or even to my friends
I kept my secrets hidden.
A year or so later my good friend, (I'll call her L.) was telling me (on
instant messager) about how she just did some stuff with this guy and was
being so open about it with me that I decided I knew I should tell her.  I
didn't just tell her, though... I kind of made her guess until she got to
the questions of the "are you gay?" "are you bi?" etc...
So I said "yes, I'm bi... I think."
She said (something like): You know what? I think I am too.
As I talked to her about it for hours into the night I was litterally lost
admist my tears of relief.  I can't explain in words how great it felt to
tell someone that knew me well the truth and to find out that they accepted
me for who I was no matter what.
Over the next few months I told a few of my other friends (all online or
through asking L. to tell them) and it was amazing how great they all were
about it.  Suprisingly most of my friends turned out to be either bi or just
very open minded.  Well, I shouldn't really say suprisingly, because my
friends are the best and I shouldn't have doubted their compassion.  But
still, I was afraid of loosing the friends that I used to never have.
One of my "friends" (i'll call her S., who has been my next door neighbor
for atleast 11 years) pray's off my self-hatred.  She is really nice most of
the time, but later on in the story you'll see what I mean.
Anyway, my few relationships with the male sex were more because I felt bad
to say no to someone when I felt so little self-worth and the kisses with my
boyfriends were not fun or enjoyable.  I never felt any attraction.  And I
began to hate myself more for this.
Recently, for some reason I've had an ego-boost.  I'm not close to self
centred but I have grown to understand not to care what other people think
(most of the time.)
This summer I shared my first kiss with another girl.  It was at one of my
friends back to school sleep over parties.  At the begining of the night I
already knew something would happen because of my ego-surging but I didn't
know what.A few weeks back I told another one of my friends that I had a slight
attraction towards L.  That friend couldn't keep her mouth shut and soon
after I told her of my feelings, word got through to L.  At the party L,
this guy (d.), and I were kind-of cuddling.  It all started as little kinky
jokes.  L said how she got turned on when people bit her... so I jokingly
dared D to bite her... then I kind of said "I'll do it if you do it" so...
we both ended up biting her arm.  The next half hour our so we were lying in
the bed, me with my arms around L, then L in the middle and then D on the
other side.  During this time I wanted to kiss her so badly, but I didn't
because it was all ackward.  I gently rubbed her arm and then began to hold
her fingers to my mouth... without even a kiss.  Eventually I began to lick
and kiss her soft, delicate fingers.
Soon after we had to move outside to the porch (because the friend who's
house the party was at was afraid her brother or parents would see us.)  The
three of us layed down underneath a blanket.  Later into the night I was
past the stage of being tired and completly free.  I (jokingly, once again)
put my right leg across her body and stayed there for quite some time.
Slowly I began to rest my head upon hers.  I'm not sure who kissed who
first, but we just began giving each other these brief, sweet kisses.
Finally our mouths just opened and for a second of erotic confused passion
our mouths innocently made love.
I knew that with that kiss and with the few people at the party seeing it I
would have to be out within a matter of weeks, whether I liked it or not.
Actually the first days back at school no one really found out.  L kepted
trying to hug or joke around about kissing me in school by saying "I'm going
to kiss you now."  At first I would blush and just laugh it off, look down
and be ashamed to be embaressed for something I did... by listening to myheart.
Last weekend I was working on a politics assignment/report and I was
discussing the views of democrats (with my mom) and republicans (with my
dad.)  With my sneaky ways I gradually brought the conversation towards
sexuality later in the night (this was just with my mom.)  I asked her what
democrats thought of homo/bi sexuality and she said they were generally more
liberal on their thoughts about it.  Then I asked what she thought about it.
She basically told me she thought it was wrong.  It hurt but also kind of
gave me the strength I needed to fight back and tell her who I was (sort
of.)  I basically described my belief on sexuality and then said "so
following my belief, I am bi."  She went about the whole issue in denail...
and finally said "well as long as you marry a nice, (rich) jewish boy..."
Then I said to her "I'm not going to discrimiate my choice of love because
of race, religion or sex.  I just wanted to tell you now, just in case I
fall in love with a female in the future.  It really doesn't matter, but I
felt like I should tell you before anything happens."  The conversation
ended with another "as long as you marry a nice, jewish man."
It hurt to hear that my mom wasn't as understanding as I'd hoped she'd be
(though at least she didn't kick me out of the house like some of my (bi or
gay) friends parents would if they found out.  But truthfully the whole
reason I was afraid of coming out to everyone was basically because I was
afraid it would get back to my mom.  Now that she knew, it wasn't (as) hard
to find out people knew about my sexuality anymore.
This is the part of the story when S. comes in.  She knows that I have been
afraid to let other people know about my sexuality.  As I said she also
preys of my inner confusion and hatred.  Just this week she IM'd me saying
something like "Oh my God, I have something important to tell you.  It could
ruin your life."I responded "what?"
She said "Can I come over?  I have to see your face when I tell you."
"Fine" I said.She came over and did her normal playing with my emotions thing by
enlongating the introduction to her story."What is it?" I asked her bitterly.
Then she basically told me how a few people in school had come up to her
asking if I was a lesbian.  Normally I would have freaked out or blushed and
said "who? how'd they find out?"
But this time, I just looked at her and said: "I don't care."  And that was
the truth.  If people are going to find out, then let them.  I'm not one to
go announce to the world I'm bi with a patch or a cap with the word bisexual
on it... but I'm not going to live in fear of having others find out about
my attractions.  If they have a problem with my emotions then I don't have
any respect for them in the first place.  It's taken me so much to get to
this point, where I can place my photo with my profile here at planet out
because I'm not afraid of some kid in my school or someone that knows my
family seeing it.
So maybe I haven't really "come out" yet... but I'm gotten to that point
where I can be happy with myself and with my heart.  I'm not afraid anymore.
I will soar high above and let my heart be my wings.  I am free of fear,
anger and guilt for something I shouldn't be guilty about.  I am me: and I
am proud of who I am.