extras so far unused (kidnapt for volume 2):
He's having some kind of fit
He's rolling around
On the pavement
Outside the shop
It's like he's being electrocuted
His eyes are wobbling
And he's making a funny noise
It's like his body is
Taking revenge on him
And people are standing around
And they are smiling
And they are throwing coins
Onto him
Like he is performing
But he is not performing
He is having a real fit.
"The Wooden Floor"
The wooden floor is made of wood
And the wood is very good
Oak, we think
The wooden floor is full of grace
And beneath the floor there is a space
Where dirt and bits of stuff reside
And recently, at their side,
A human head
The human head belonged to Pete
Who scuffed the floor
With his giant feet
He will not be doing that again
Unless his corpse grows a new head
And comes back to life.
-----------------------------------------
"Joy"
There is joy to be had
If you're crazy mental mad
You can run around the town
With trousers pulled down
You can shout and sing and laugh
While you're showing your arse
You can bang on your head
And pretend you're dead
You can chase folks around
And wrestle with them on the ground
You don't have to go to work
You don't have to wear a shirt
Etc.
(sound of gunfire)
-----------------------------------------------
"School"
School was bad
I was too fat they said
I was not welcome they said
I would be beaten every day
I was in attendance they said
"Don't take it personally"
They said
"We treat all fat idots this way"
But I took my revenge
I burned the down the school
20 years later
------------------------------------------------
"Cooker"
Pasta
Beans
Rice
Pig's head
-------------------------------------------------
"Man Amongst Men"
Fitter than the rest
Bigger than the rest
Tougher than the rest
Meaner than the rest
Uglier than the rest
Faster than the rest
Needs a job
Will work long hours
---------------------------------------------------
"A Truce"
- I would like to declare a truce.
- What's a truce?
- It's when you agree to stop fighting.
- Have we been fighting?
- Yes
- When were we fighting?
- Just now down there on that plastic mat
- We weren't fighting, we were playing 'Twister'
- Are you sure we weren't fighting?
- Yes. Twister is a game.
- A fighting game
- No, just an ordinary game
- For soldiers
- No, well, soldiers can play but there is no fighting
- Soldiers love to fight
- Well, there is no fighting when you're playing 'Twister'. It's against the rules.
- There are rules?
- Yes, didn't you know? We've been playing for hours, didn't you realize?
- No. I thought we were fighting.
----------------------------------------------
"Demons"
The demons!
The bloody demons are coming!
The bloody demons are coming I say!
The demons are coming to kill us!
The defences will not hold against
The demons
The demons will get through
The demons will bash down the defences
And come and kill us
The day has come
The day is here
The day of the demons
The day
The demons come through the defences
And come and kill the whole lot of us
Because we didn't make the defences
Strong enough to hold back
The demons
The demons will laugh as they kill us
The demons will laugh as they eat us
The sky will turn black and
The demons will sing songs about
The experience of eating us and
The nice feeling it gives them and
In the morning there will be
None of us left.
---------------------------------------
"Awesome"
Modern metal band
With your speed metal tunes
Ten guitarists
Ten bass players
Four drummers
And a giant singer the size of
An elephant
What a sight to see on
Stage
In an outdoor arena
At night
During a thunderstorm.
-----------------------------------------
"YOUR HANDS ARE COLD"
DON'T TOUCH ME
DON'T TOUCH ME
YOUR NAILS ARE SHARP
YOUR NAILS ARE SHARP
YOUR FINGERS ARE DIRTY
YOUR FINGERS ARE DIRTY
YOUR SKIN IS SLIMY
YOUR SKIN IS SLIMY
YOUR BONES ARE SHOWING
YOUR BONES ARE SHOWING
YOU ARE A MOST UNPLEASANT MAN
YOU DRIVE A RUSTY TRANSIT VAN
YOU HAVE A SMELLY MANGEY DOG
YOU ARE A HORRIBLE UGLY SOD
I SUSPECT YOU MAY BE
A GYPSY
IF YOU ARE COULD YOU
SHARPEN THE BLADES
ON MY LAWNMOWER?
THANK-YOU
--------------------------------------
FOR SALE
A HEAD
£10
good for
staring at
-----------------------------------
Let's dance like a pair of
Crazy monkeys
Naked
Around a skull
With a candle on it
-----------------------------------
- See those mountains in the distance?
- Yes
- They are easy to climb
- How do you know?
- Because I climbed all of them yesterday and I was wearing flip-flops
- Really?
- Yes
--------------------------------------------
"Muck"
I went to a rock festival
And I got covered in muck
There was muck on my clothes
So I took them off
And my naked body
Got covered in muck
There was muck in my eyes
And muck in my ears
And muck on my hands
And muck in my hair
And muck on my legs
And worst of all
Was the muck
In my mouth
But I still
Had a good
Time
--------------------------------------
"BABY'S BIBLE"
BABY'S A CRYIN' BABY'S A CRYIN'
WHY'S THAT BABY CRYIN'?
THAT BABY'S CRYIN' COS YOU TOOK ITS BIBLE
I KNOW YOU NEED THAT BIBLE
BUT THAT BABY NEEDS IT MORE THAN YOU
SO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GOTTA DO
GIVE THAT BABY ITS BIBLE BACK
GIVE THAT BABY ITS BIBLE BACK
GIVE THAT BABY ITS BIBLE BACK
GIVE THAT BABY ITS BIBLE BACK
OH YOU'D BETTER
GIVE THAT BABY ITS BIBLE BACK
AND GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES AND PRAY
I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH BAD TIMES
YOUR DEAD WIFE AND YOUR HOUSE BURNED DOWN
AND YOUR AMPUTATED LEG
BUT YOU ARE AN ADULT
AND THAT BABY'S JUST A CHILD
SO
GIVE THAT BABY ITS BIBLE BACK
GIVE IT BACK
----------------------------------------------
I see you as a skeleton
I see you as just bones
I see beneath your surface
I see under your skin
I feel like a piece of metal
I feel like a concrete block
I feel like a piece of clothing
Some trousers or a sock
Useless discarded screw
You look so useless
And discarded
No place for you
No purpose for you
Useless discarded screw
You're so useless
I hate flowers
I hate flowers
Etc.
------------------------------------
"Us"
Good news, bad news
It's all the same to me
I don't really care
No I don't really care
No I don't really care
No I don't really care
No I don't really care
No I don't really ca-a-are
Because I got you baby
Oh yes I have
And I ain't gonna let you go, oh no
----------------------------------------
"Elaine"
Elaine is a danger
To herself
And other people
Elaine is a danger
And is not allowed
In the metal workshop
In the chemistry lab or
In the sports hall
Elaine is a danger
And must not be given pens
Elaine is a danger
And must only write in crayon
Elaine is a danger
And must not go
Near the windows
Or the fishtank
Or in the cupboard.
---------------------------------------
"Dinosaur Egg"
Dinosaur egg, oh dinosaur egg
When will you hatch?
I've got a million people coming
On Friday
And they expect to see a dinosaur
Not an egg
Robot slave, oh robot slave
When will you spring to life?
I've got a million people coming
On Friday
And I don't expect to serve them drinks
Myself
Tortured spirit, oh tortured spirit
When will you appear?
I've got a million people coming
On Friday
And I don't want to have to scare
The shit out of them myself
-----------------------------------------------
"Mad Egg"
Mad egg
You're just a crazy foolish
Mad egg
You're just nuts you are
Mister
Mad egg
I wanna tell you you're a
Mad egg
It's the truth you know you
Mad egg
From the moment you were laid you were a
Mad egg
I can't wait for you to hatch you
Mad egg
Can't wait to see what's inside the
Mad egg
I want to paint a face on you
Mad egg
I want to make a little hat for you
Mad egg
I want to replace a doll's head with you
Mad egg
A doll wearing an antique dress
Mad egg
And you can guest-star in my puppet show
Mrs.
Mad egg.
--------------------------
Mistakes have been made
In the creation of
Some humans
Some do not look right
They cannot walk
And have bits missing
Some cannot talk
Or see or hear
Some do not act right
Some shout all the time
Some cry all the time
Some twitch
Some are mongoloids.
---------------------------------------
NO
No no no no no no no no
No hair
No no no no no no no no
No eyes
No no no no no no no no
No teeth
No no no no no no no no
No brains
No no no no no no no no
No arms
No no no no no no no no
No legs
No no no no no no no no
No feet
No no no no no no no no
No shoes
No no no no no no no no
No thanks.
-----------------------------------------
Do as I say
Not as I do
I speak wisely
But am prone to foolishness.
------------------------------------------------
A SONG
Angel with your big wings
Standing on our roof
Angel, please come down
You are likely to cause damage
Fairy with your small wings
Dancing among our flowers
Fairy, please come away
You are likely to cause damage
Ghost with your specteral form
Dwelling in our cellar
Ghost, please come out
We need to install some damp proofing.
-----------------------------------------
BLACKCURRANT JAM
Blackcurrant jam is the nicest jam
The nicest jam you can have
Strawberry is nice
Raspberry is nice
Blackberry is nice
Redcurrant is nice
Cherry is nice
Blueberry is nice
But blackcurrant jam is nicest
The nicest jam you can have
And in olden times
They put it on wounds
And it made them heal.
---------------------------------------------
Did they mean me
When they shouted
My name?
Or did they mean
Someone else
With the same name
As me?
I've lost my bag.
Where did I park my car?
------------------------------------------
I tried to return the chair
To the shop from where I bought it
But they would not accept it back
Because I had already sat in it.
-------------------------------------------
I eat and I eat and I eat
And I eat and I eat and I eat
And I eat and I eat and I eat
And I eat and I eat and I eat
And I eat and I eat and I eat
And I eat and I eat and I eat
And I eat and I eat and I eat
And I eat.
---------------------------------------------
Perhaps
Perhaps perhaps
Perhaps perhaps perhaps
Perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps
Perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps
Perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps
Perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps
Perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps
Perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps
Perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps
Perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps
Perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps
Perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps
Perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps
Perhaps perhaps perhaps
Perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps
Perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps
Perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps
Perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps
Perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps
Perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps
Perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps
Perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps
Perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps
Perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps
Perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps
Perhaps.
----------------------------------------------------
Once I found a diamond
Lying on the path
"That's a nice diamond" I thought
"I shall take it home
And give it to my wife."
But on the way home
I lost it and she divorced me.
SKULL FOR SALE
--------------------------------
FEEL FREE TO HOWL
--------------------------------
BABY DAWG
Baby dawg
I wanna play with you
Baby dawg
I wanna give you a bone
Baby dawg
I wanna take you home.
Say how much is that baby dawg?
How much?
That's too much
I don't want that baby dawg.
-----------------------------------
Hairy beast
When we found you
We did not know what you were
So we called a veternary
But he did not know what you were
So we called a zoologist
But she did not know what you were
So we called a palaeontologist
But he did not know what you were
So we called a priest
But he did not know what you were
So we called a philosopher
But she did not know what you were either
So we concluded that you are unique
A species unto yourself
Thus we have resolved to try
To make the lonely years ahead of you,
Until your death,
As comfortable and happy as possible.
----------------------------------------
---------------------------------
KIDS STAY IN SCHOOL AND PLAY BETTER
---------------------------------
THE FILM
The first shot is of a man drinking
A glass of water
There is no music
The next shot is of the interior of
A sewer.
------------------------------------------
A SENTIMENTAL SONG
When was the last time you drew a picture?
When was the last time you touched a leaf?
When was the last time you tasted raindrops.
On your tongue
On your big long tongue
When was the last time you bought a hot dog?
When was the last time you swam in a pond?
When was the last time you climbed a lamppost
Like a monkey
With a prehensile tail
When was the last time you wrote a limerick?
When was the last time you told a lie?
Why is there a picture of a penis (or substitute your choice)
On your fridge door?
It makes me feel awkward
Whenever I'm in your kitchen
When was the last time that you ate a doughnut?
When was the last time you whistled a tune?
When was the last time you tortured a spider
And pulled off its legs
And ate it
To impress your friends.
THEATRE:
(dirt in place of food)
- I've just eaten your earplugs
- Oh dear! (disgusted) Why?
- (silence)
POETRY:
High-minded reptiles
Sunning themselves
On rocks
Reading books
Their tongues
Flicking
In and out
Touching the
Pages
RHETORIC:
Do bad things
Then apologize.