Church Billboard Headliners
"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!"
A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."
"People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"
"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."
"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."
"Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily."
"How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Non-smoking?"
"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives":
"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."
"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?"
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"In the dark? Follow the Son."
"Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."
"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."
A Number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Why Parents Drink...
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to Elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and
you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing,
Tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older
than I am.
But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we
will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack Of
firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more
children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really Hurt
anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with The other people
that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we Will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday
I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your
grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report
card That's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
How many "Christians" does it take to change a light bulb?
Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against spirit
of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees
to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried
chicken.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks,
and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely
out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb.
Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your
choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church
lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb?
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.