Primal Image Vol. 1

Ah, a photography game, how...different. While the genre is still in it's infancy, this game is easily the worst of the bunch. Sure the subject matter may be nice, but it's just no fun to play. I've seen this travesty sell for a nice chunk of money, solely due to the women and the pose mode. Please, do yourself a favor just forget this game existed. It's not worth the $15 I paid for it, let alone $75+. Oh, keep in mind, I use the terms play and game very loosely as there isn't much "game" to "play."

In Memory mode, you play the role of a photographer, and it is your job to take pictures of various models. Did I say various? I'm sorry, I meant four. Three females and one very effeminate male. Nice variety, huh? It gets better, each model features a staggering three outfits! You'd think with the lack of any real gameplay they would've at least given you some variety. You should be happy, the developers know that time is precious to you. As such, they thought it would be a good idea to make a photography session last ten seconds. Yep, only ten seconds! They also know you like to save virtual money, so to avoid wasting virtual film, your camera can only hold one roll of film, or six shots. You think that's bad? It gets worse, you have no control whatsoever over your camera. It moves along one of three set paths panning around the model at different angles. The shoulder buttons switch between paths. Wow, such control! Apparently, they wanted you to be able to play the game with one hand because all you have to do is press the O button when the model is in frame. How nice of them! Now you can have a hand free to shut this piece of junk off. I guess the developers weren't going for interactivity when making this game. They were probably counting on the lame T & A to sell it. Sadly, it probably worked.

Speaking of lame T&A, we come to the mode that many gamers picked this up for: Produce mode. In this mode you get to pose a model and place her on a set. You can also add items to "liven" things up. The goal here is to make a picturesque moment. Think of it as virtual colorforms or even a virtual Barbies Dreamhouse. You start this mode off by picking a model and his or her outfit. Then you choose one of five small sets ranging from a Night Club to a Pool. Now you can begin "posing" the model. I can just imagine the amount of guys lined up to "pose" a model in a schoolgirl outfit. Posing these "dolls" is a very slow and tedious task. You "click" on each individual body part with your cursor. After picking a part, you choose between rotating the limb or moving it. Then you simply move the part into place with the analog stick. This is rather cumbersome and the body part never quite moves how you want it. Unfortunately, the game adheres to real life movements. You cannot twist the models head all the way around. Might have been good for a few laughs.

After posing the model, it's time to decorate the set. You start out with four items and unlock more as you score points in Memory Mode. Nothing special, just props like a beach ball or a mic stand. Once you fill the set with props you can place the model somewhere on the set. Like I said, virtual colorforms. If you like the way your set looks, you can save it for your album to view at a later date. Wow, how fun! I bet you're all dying to try it out for yourselves.

While the "gameplay" is easily the worst part about the game, the other areas are quick to disappoint as well. Take the music. No, really, take it because if I have to hear it any longer I'll strangle someone. It's the type of junk you'd hear playing in a dentist's office or an elevator. The graphics are on par with other first gen Ps2 titles. Nothing really impressive. Unless they were going for a look that only a necrophiliac could enjoy. The models are downright scary staring at you with lifeless eyes. For a second there I thought SEGA released "Photography of the Dead." The environments are bland and uneventful and could easily be reproduced on a Playstation. This game didn't look too good when it game out, and it looks even worse now.

If you consider yourself a masochist and you still want the horror that is Primal Image, I suppose I should mention the language barrier, or lack thereof. All of the game's menus are in Katakana so if you can read that, you're set. If not, the game is just going to require the usual trial and error. The menus are far from complex and you should be used to them after a minute or two of playtime. You really have nothing to worry about as far as a language barrier goes. There is no story to speak of and the gameplay couldn't be simpler. After all, how hard is it to press the O button?

Overall, nothing more can be said, other than to steer clear of this mess. This is probably the worst game available for Ps2 as of the date this was written. I doubt it will lose that title during the Ps2's lifespan. I can't see anyone enjoying Primal Image, not even for a laugh. The CD would have more functionality as a coaster or Frisbee. Let's all hope there is never a volume 2. There are so many things that would be more fulfilling than playing Primal Image. Such as sitting in a dark room humming the theme song to The Smurfs or the ever popular watching paint dry. Off I go to hum the Smurfs theme.... La la la la....

©2002 Ed Finnegan

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