ROBERT,
FIRST,
YOU MADE SOME GOOD DECISIONS IN
THE Ò2.5-HOUR RESPONSEÓ TO MY LAST SET OF COMMENTS, AND THIS SHOWS IMPROVEMENT
OVER YOUR ORIGINAL DRAFT. THE
ESSAY THAT RESULTED AFTER THIS ADDED WORK IS MORE DIRECTED THAN YOUR
ORIGINAL. I FELT THAT YOU COULD
HAVE PUSHED FURTHER, ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU CHOSE AT TIMES TO AVOID THE NUANCE
IMPLIED IN YOUR ORIGINAL, RATHER THAN TO TRY TO UNPACK IT WITH CARE. THIS WOULD HAVE LED YOU TO DEVELOP THE
ESSAY IN A PRODUCTIVE WAY. THE
REVISED VERSION CAME BACK SHORTER AND SIMPLER—WHICH MEANS CLEARER, BUT
PERHAPS NOT AS INTERESTING AS IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN OTHERWISE. YOUR RESPONSE GUIDE WAS HELPFUL,
ENABLING ME TO BETTER UNDERSTAND HOW YOU WHEN ABOUT THIS PROJECT. I HOPE THAT YOU ARE ABLE TO FIGURE OUT
THE ÒCOMPARE DOCUMENTSÓ PRINTOUT THIS TIME AROUND. IF NOT, THOUGH, PRINT OUT TWO COPIES AS YOU DID—BUT
ADD YOUR OWN MARKINGS MORE CAREFULLY SO THAT ALL YOUR CHANGES ARE VISIBLE AT A
GLANCE. THE WEB POSTING EXPLAINS
IT THIS WAY: ÒON THE ORIGINAL,
HIGHLIGHT EVERYTHING THAT HAS BEEN DELETED OR MOVED; ON THE REVISION, HIGHLIGHT
EVERYTHING THAT HAS BEEN NEWLY ADDED. THIS WILL SERVE THE SAME PURPOSE AS A
ÒCOMPARE DOCUMENTSÓ PRINTOUT.Ó
THERE ARE A RANGE OF GOOD THINGS
GOING ON IN YOUR AUGUSTINE ESSAY.
EACH PARAGRAPH IS RICH, AND YOUR QUOTATIONS ARE GOOD ONES. THIS IS
PROVOKING OVERALL. BUT THERE IS A LOT THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE TO MAKE THIS AN
ARGUMENTATIVE ESSAY. THAT IS WHAT YOU NEED TO CONSIDER, AND THAT IS WHAT YOU
NEED TO WORK ON. IN THIS REGARD, READ THROUGH MY COMMENTS BELOW.
IF YOU GET FRUSTRATED AS YOU
PROCEED (FRUSTRATION, TO BE HONEST, SHOULD BE PART OF THE PROCESS!), THEN WORK WITH A WRITING TUTOR AT YOUR
SIDE. THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO SHOULD AVOID WORKING WITH A WRITING TUTOR ARE THOSE
WHO HATE COMPANY AND HATE GETTING HELPFUL ADVICE!! (AND YOU DONÕT STRIKE ME AS A MEMBER OF THAT ELITE
CLUB!) TO PURSUE THIS, ALL
YOU NEED TO KNOW IS HERE:
http://www.peabody.jhu.edu/writing
Augustine's "Confusions"
In Augustine's Confessions, Saint Augustine grapples with various issues he
dealt with throughout his life. His intent is "to remind himself of his
past foulnesses and carnal corruptions, not because he loves them but so that
he may love (God). USE EDITORIAL BRACKETS HERE [ ], RATHER THAN
PARENTHESES" (p. 24) Speaking to the Lord, he says, "My desire is for
you, justice and innocence, you are lovely and splendid to honest eyes; the
satiety of your love is insatiable." (p. 34) In a way, he is applauding
his efforts at being honest, even though "(God's) omnipotence is never far
from us, even when we are far from (Him)," (p. 25) and God knows what is
in a man's heart before he speaks. He says, "It is easier to count (a
man's) hairs than the passions and emotions of his heart." (p. 66) His
questions are equally numerous. IT
IS IMPORTANT TO DIRECT YOUR READER WITH CARE HERE. YOU PUT A NUMBER OF IDEAS
OUT ON THE TABLE, AND IT IS HARD FOR THE READER TO SEE THE ESSAYÕS
DIRECTION. ONCE AGAIN, YOU NEED TO
WORK HARD TO CRAFT A THESIS. DRAW
FROM YOUR DISCUSSION, BELOW, TO DO THIS.
THIS HAS TO DO WITH THE DISTINCTION BETWEEN A TOPIC AND A THESIS. TAKE THE WEB POSTINGÕS ADVICE IN
EARNEST: ÒFINDING AND
ARTICULATING A THESIS IS THE KEY TASK OF REVISION; MOST COLLEGE STUDENTS ONLY
ANNOUNCE THEIR TOPIC IN A FIRST DRAFT: IT TAKES WORK TO IDENTIFY THE THESIS
THAT HARBORS AN ESSAYÕS REAL POTENTIAL.Ó
To whom is Augustine speaking in
this book? Of whom is he asking his questions? He does not seem to know, for
sure. "Who then are you, my God?" (p. 4) Augustine tosses this
question around for the first few pages, and it is never fully resolved when he
says, "Who will enable me to find rest in you?" (p. 5) His view of
the Lord's "location" is contradictory, as well. THIS SEEMS TO ASSUME THAT YOU
HAVE ALREADY IDENTIFIED SOMETHING AS CONTRADICTORY. I DONÕT THINK THE YOU HAVE.
HAVE YOU? He says, "Your mercy faithfully hovered over me from afar."
(p. 37) On the other hand, Augustine admits that he just doesn't know:
"Where do you put the overflow of yourself after heaven and earth are
filled?" (p. 4) It appears Augustine prefers the idea of God's
omnipresence rather than the idea of His detachment "from afar." THIS PARAGRAPH SETS FORTH A NUMBER OF PROVOKING
THINGS. IT NEEDS A CENTER, THOUGH. THAT IS THE ONLY WAY IT CAN WORK AS A
STEPPING STONE IN YOUR ARGUMENT.
IF THIS COMMENT DOES NOT SUGGEST POSSIBILITIES TO YOU, THEN DONÕT TAKE
ANOTHER STEP, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200 (I HOPE YOU ARE A MONOPOLY
PLAYER): CONTACT A WRITING
TUTOR!
Saint Augustine's dynamic
relationship with God lies at the core of this text. THIS SOUNDS LIKE A THESIS STATEMENT. BEAR THAT IN MIND. THE
TASK OF REVISION IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU ARE REALLY UP TO, AND THIS MIGHT BE
AN IMPORTANT CLUE! Augustine does
not fully understand this relationship, which shifts at key moments throughout
his life. In his "longing to leave earthly things and fly back to
(God)," (p. 39) he realizes that his life is IS? OR SHOULD BE? centered around Christ: "Any book which
lacked this name, however well written or polished or true, could not entirely
grip me." (p. 40) One key moment for Augustine in [setting him in
Christianity] CLUMSY was when he read a book entitled Hortensius. He says, "The book changed my feelings. It
altered my prayers, Lord, to be towards you yourself. It gave me different
values and priorities. Suddenly every vain hope became empty to me, and I
longed for the immortality of wisdom with an incredible ardour in my heart... I
was impressed not by the book's refining effect on my style and literary
expression but by the content." (p. 39) In stating that all his "vain
hope(s) became empty," he denounces his studies of becoming well-versed in
"adult games" (see end of p. 19 and top of p. 38). He is also
referring to his iniquities and "sacrilegious quests," (p. 37) which
haunt him throughout his early adulthood. BE CAREFUL TO MAKE SURE THAT NARRATIVE IS ALWAYS IN
THE SERVICE OF YOUR ARGUMENT. THE
REAL CHALLENGE IS FOR YOU TO TEND TO THE TRAJECTORY OF YOUR ARGUMENT OVERALL.
YOU NEED TO THINK ABOUT THIS IN RELATION TO YOUR THESIS. AS YOU WORK ON EVERY
PARAGRAPH, YOU NEED TO DO KEEP YOUR THESIS IN MIND. THIS LEADS TO ONGOING REVISION OF YOUR THESIS, WHILE
HELPING YOU TO MAKE DECISIONS ABOUT THE STRUCTURE OF YOUR ARGUMENT
OVERALL. IN ESSAYS WHOSE SUBJECT
MATTER IS INTRICATE, IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO TRUST THE STRUCTURE OF THE ESSAY THAT
YOU FIRST WROTE. ASSUME THAT WAS
AN ACCIDENT! IT IS THROUGH
REVISION THAT YOU CAN DISCERN A STRUCTURE THAT WORKS, TRANSFORMING WHAT YOU
FIRST PRODUCED. A FIRST DRAFT IS
AS FAR FROM THE FINAL AS A SIGHT-READING EXPERIENCE IS FROM A PERFORMANCE. CONSIDER WHAT IT TAKES TO GET FROM THE
ONE TO THE OTHER!
In recalling his detestable
past, Augustine draws relationships between his social experiences-- especially
those with his "friends"-- and how they affect his relationship with
God. He recalls once incident where he and a "gang of naughty
adolescents" stole pears and threw them to the pigs. Looking back at this,
he concedes that it was morally unacceptable: "I stole something which I
had in plenty and of much better quality. My desire was to enjoy not what I
sought by stealing but merely the excitement of thieving and the doing of what
was wrong." (p. 29) His self-criticism is quite unusual. Augustine says
that "the fruit which (they) stole was beautiful because it was (God's)
creation." (p. 30) With this harsh criticism, he seems to forget that
mankind is also God's creation, and is so much more important than pears.
Furthermore, he says, "There was nothing beautiful about you, my thieving.
Indeed do you exist at all for me to be addressing you?" (p. 30) He is
right to question his personification of a sinful action. Perhaps this stems
from Augustine's misunderstanding of how God speaks to him. Throughout the Confessions, he beseeches the Lord to speak to his heart,
because he feels "apart from (Him)," (p. 31) and yet Augustine does
not seem to know how to listen for a response. COULD THIS PARAGRAPH COME EARLIER IN YOUR DISCUSSION?
Saint Augustine's relationship
with God closely resembles the following story by an unknown author.
An
Affirmation of Faith
One night a man had a dream. He
dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed
scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the
sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of his life
flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed
that many times along the path of life there was only one set of footprints. He
also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I
decided to follow You, You'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that
during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of
footprints. I don't understand why when I needed You most You would leave
me."
The Lord replied, "My son,
my precious child, I love you and would never leave you. During your times of
trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that
I carried you."
THIS IS AN EFFECTIVE
STORY. IT IS APT, TOO. BUT FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR ESSAY, IT
ESSENTIALLY HIJACKS YOUR ENDING.
THIS WOULD WORK FAR MORE EFFECTIVELY IN A TREATMENT OF SOME LENGTH, WHEN
YOU CAN AFFORD A COUPLE HUNDRED WORDS FROM AN ADDITIONAL SOURCE. BUT GIVEN THE CHALLENGE OF THIS SHORT
ESSAY, THATÕS A SIZEABLE PERCENTAGE OF THE WHOLE. AND IT LEAVES THE READER WITH AN IMAGE TO PONDER, RATHER
THAN WITH A CONCLUSION TO AN ARGUMENT.
References:
The story included at the end is
from an unknown author. It is published in a calendar with various quotations,
but from another reference it has been entitled, "Footprints in the
Sand."
All other quotations with page
numbers are taken directly from the book Saint Augustine Confessions, translation, introduction and notes by Henry
Chadwick, copyright 1991, published by Oxford University Press.
YOUR CITATIONS ARE WELL
DONE, AND YOUÕVE NOTED YOUR REFERENCES WELL HERE. THESE THINGS ARE IMPORTANT!
