Randal: Melodrama coming from you is about as natural as an oral bowel movement.
Caitlin: Can I use the bathroom?
Randal: Sure, but there's no light back there.
Caitlin: Why aren't there any lights?
Randal: Well, there are, but for some reason they stop working at 5:14 every night. Nobody can figure it out. And the boss doesn't want to pay the electrician to fix it, because the electrician owes money to the video store.
Caitlin: Such a sordid state of affairs.
Randal: And I'm caught right in the middle - torn between my loyalty to the boss and my desire to piss with the lights on.
Caitlin: Well, I'll try to manage.
Randal: Oh, hey Caitlin, break his heart again this time, and I'll kill ya. Nothing personal.
Cat Admiring Bitter Customer: Cute cat. What's his name?
Randal Graves: Annoying customer.
Cat Admiring Bitter Customer: grabs pack of cigarettes Fuckin' dickhead.
Jay: I feel good today, Silent Bob, we're gonna make some money, then you know what we're going to do? We're gonna go to that party, and we're gonna get some pussy, and I'm gonna fuck this bitch, and fuck this bitch, I'll fuck ANYTHING THAT MOVES! What the fuck you lookin at, I'll kick yo fuckin ass! Shit yeah. Doesn't that fucker owe me 10 bucks? You know, fuckin tonight, we're gonna rip off that fucker's head, and take out his fuckin' SOUL. Hey, what's up baby, what's up, sluts?
Randal: My mom's been fuckin' a dead guy for 30 years. I call him dad.
Jay: I've had some girlfriends too, but all they wanted from me was weed and shit.
Dante: It wasn't me.
Caitlin: scoffs Yeah, right. Who was it? Randal?
Dante: to Randal Was it you?
Randal: I was up here the whole time.
Caitlin: You two better quit it.
Dante: I'm serious.
Caitlin: So, we didn't jus have sex in the bathroom?
Caitlin: Stop it. This isn't funny.
Dante: I'm not kidding. I just came in from outside.
Caitlin: This isn't fucking funny Dante!
Dante: I'm not fooling around! to Randal Who went back there?
Randal: Nobody, I swear!
Caitlin : I feel nauseous.
Dante : Are you sure there's somebody back there?
Caitlin: Well I didn't just fuck myself! Jesus Christ, I think I'm gonna be sick!
Randal: You just fucked a total stranger?
Dante: Shut the fuck up!
Caitlin: I can't believe this...
Dante : Call the police!
Caitlin: No, don't!
Dante: Because there's a stranger in our bathroom and he just raped Caitlin!
Randal: But she said that she did all the work.
Dante: Would you shut the fuck up! Who the fuck's in our bathroom?
after losing a hockey ball from the roof
Dante: Are there any balls down there?
Jay: About the biggest pair you ever seen, dingleberry!
Dante: Hey, whatcha rent? reads the cover to Randal's videotape "Best of Both Worlds"?
Randal: Hermaphroditic porn. Starlets with both organs. You should see the box. Beautiful chicks with dicks that put mine to shame.
Dante: And you rented this?
Randal: Hey, I like to expand my horizons.
Caitlin: I'm offering you my body and you're offering me semantics.
Randal : So your argument is that title dictates behavior?
Dante : What?
Randal: The reason you won't let me borrow your car is because I have a title and a job description, and I'm supposed to follow it, right?
Dante : Exactly.
Tabloid Reading Customer: I saw one, one time, that said the world was ending the next week. Then in the next week's paper, they said we were miraculously saved at the zero hour by a Koala-fish mutant bird. Crazy shit.
Randal: So I'm no more responsible for my own decisions while I'm here at work than, say, the Death Squad soldiers in Bosnia?
Dante : That's stretching it. You're not being asked to slay children or anything.
Randal : Not yet. takes a drink of water
Tabloid Reading Customer: And I remember this one time the damn paper said... Randal spits water at him I'm going to break your fucking head! You fucking jerk-off!
Dante: Sir! Sir, I'm sorry! He didn't mean it! He meant to hit me.
Tabloid Reading Customer: Well, he missed!
Dante: I know. I'm sorry. Here, let me refund your money, and we'll call it even.
Tabloid Reading Customer: I'll never come in here again. to Randal And if I ever see you again, I'm gonna break your fucking head open!
Randal salutes him, customer leaves
Dante : What'd you do that for?
Randal: Two reasons: one, I hate when the people can't shut up about the stupid tabloid headlines.
Dante : Jesus!
Randal : And two, to make a point: title does not dictate behavior. If title dictated my behavior, as a clerk serving the public, I wouldn't be allowed to spit a mouthful of water at that guy. But I did, so my point is that people dictate their own behavior. Hence, even though I'm a clerk in this video store, I choose to go rent videos at Big Choice. Agreed?
Dante: gives Randal his car keys You're a danger to both the dead and the living.
Randal: I like to think I'm a master of my own destiny.
Dante : Please, get the hell out of here.
Randal : Oh, come on. You know I'm your hero.
Dante: You know what the real tragedy about all this is? I'm not even supposed to be here today!
Randal:Oh, fuck you! Fuck you, pal! Jesus, there you go trying to pass the buck. I'm the source of all your misery. Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake? Who tried to win back his ex girlfriend without even discussing how he felt with his present one? You wanna blame somebody? Blame yourself. "I'm not even supposed to be here today." throws stuff at Dante You sound like an asshole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here. You're here of your own volition. You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulder. Like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Jesus, you overcompensate for having what's basically a monkey's job. You push fucking buttons. Anybody can just waltz in here and do our jobs. You-You're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic, so much more important than it really is. Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante! And badly, I might add! I work in a shitty video store, badly as well. You know, that guy Jay's got it right, man. He has no delusions about what he does. Us, we like to make ourselves seem so much more important than the people that come in here to buy a paper, or, god forbid, cigarettes. We look down on them as if we're so advanced. Well, if we're so fucking advanced, what are we doing working here?
Coroner: My only question is how did she come to have sex with the dead guy?
Dante: She thought it was me.
Coroner: What kind of convenience store do you run here?
Randal: Which did you like better? "Jedi" or "The Empire Strikes Back"?
Dante : "Empire".
Dante: "Empire" had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets.
Dante: You ever notice how all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie.
Randal: reading a magazine Have you ever wondered how much the average jizz-mopper makes per hour?
Dante: What's a jizz-mopper?
Randal: He's the guy that cleans up the nudie booth after each guy jerks off.
Dante : Nudie booth?
Randal: Yeah, nudie booth. You've never been in a nudie booth?
Dante: I guess not.
Randal: Oh, it's great. There's this glass between you and these chicks, and they put on a show for you for like 10 bucks.
Dante: What kinda show?
Customer walks up to counter with a bottle of glass cleaner and a roll of paper towels
Randal: They do the weirdest, craziest shit you like to see chicks do. They insert things into any opening on their body - ANY opening.
Dante : Could we not talk about this right now?
Randal: The jizz-mopper's job is to clean off the glass after each guy shoots a load. I don't know if you noticed, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away.
Offended Customer: I will never come to this place again!
Dante: I'm sorry?
Offended Customer: Using filthy language in front of the customers, you both should be fired!
Dante: I'm sorry, I guess we got carried away.
Offended Customer: I don't know if sorry could make up for it, you've highly offended me.
Randal : Well if you thinks that's offensive, check this out! Shows him graphic picture from porn mag I think you can see her kidneys!
Randal: You know who I could do without? I could do without the people in the video store.
Dante: Which ones?
Randal: All of them.
a series of vignettes
Bed Wetting Dad: What would you get for a six-year-old who chronically wets his bed?
Video Confusion Customer: So, do you have any new releases in? zoom out to see a huge sign that says "NEW RELEASES" directly above her
Low I.Q. Video Customer: Do you have that one with that guy who was in the movie that was out last year?
Randal: They never rent quality flicks. They always pick the most intellectually devoid movies on the rack.
Low I.Q. Video Customer: OOOOH! NAVY SEALS!
Randal : It's like in order to join, they have to have an I.Q. that's less than their shoe size.
Dante: You think you get stupid questions? You should hear the barrage of stupid questions I get. more vignettes
Cold Coffee Lover: What do mean there's no ice? You mean I gotta drink this coffee hot?
Candy Confusion Customer: So how much is this thing anyway? zoom out to see a huge "EVERYTHING ONLY 99¢" sign behind her
Hubcap Searching Customer: Do you sell hubcaps for a '72 Pinto hatchback? Ooh, Mini-Trucker Magazine!
Dante: I thought I told you not to be dealing in front of the store.
Jay: I ain't dealin', man, what you talkin' about?
Willam Black: Hey, man, you got anything?
Jay: Yeah, man, what you want?
Indecisive Video Customer: They say so much, but they never tell you if it's any good... are either one of these any good?... Sir?
Randal : What?
Indecisive Video Customer: Are either one of these any good?
Randal : I don't watch movies.
Indecisive Video Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?
Randal: I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.
Indecisive Video Customer: You mean you've haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these?
Indecisive Video Customer: Turns around, then shows Randal the same movies Well, what about these two?
Randal: Oh, they suck.
Indecisive Video Customer: These are the same two movies! You weren't paying any attention!
Randal: No, I wasn't.
Indecisive Video Customer: I don't think your manager would appreciate...
Randal: I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.
Indecisive Video Customer: I beg your pardon?
Randal: Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.
Indecisive Video Customer: I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying!
Randal: And I hope it feels good.
Indecisive Video Customer: You hope WHAT feels good?
Randal: I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Indecisive Video Customer: Well, this is the last time I rent here.
Randal: You'll be missed.
Indecisive Video Customer: Screw you! leaves
Randal: runs to the door Hey! You're not allowed to rent here anymore!
Jay: who has been standing outside, and has no idea what's going on Yeah!
Dante: Someone jammed gum in the locks.
Veronica: You're kidding.
Dante: Bunch of savages in this town.
Silent Bob: You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you.
Randal: People say crazy shit during sex. One time I called this girl "Mom."
Dante: Yeah, I mean aside from the cheating, we were a great couple. I mean that's what high school was about, algebra, bad lunch, and infidelity
Dante : You said you only had sex with three different guys; you never mentioned him!
Veronica : Because I never HAD sex with him.
Dante: You sucked his dick!
Veronica: We went out a few times. We never had sex but we fooled around.
Dante: Oh my God, WHY did you tell me you only had sex with three different guys?
Veronica: Because I DID only have sex with three different guys; that doesn't mean I didn't just go with people.
Dante : Oh my God, I feel so nauseous!
Veronica : I'm sorry, Dante, I thought you understood!
Dante: I did understand! I understood that you had sex with three different guys and that's all you said!
Veronica: Please calm down.
Dante: How many?
Dante: How many dicks have you sucked?
Veronica: Let it go!
Dante: How many?
Veronica: All right, shut up a second and I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't freak out like this when you told me how many girls you fucked!
Dante: This is different, this is important. How many? long pause as customer buys something Well?
Veronica : Something like... 36.
Dante: What? Something like 36?
Veronica: Lower your voice.
Dante: Wait a minute, what is that anyway, something like 36? Does that INCLUDE me?
Veronica: Ummm... 37.
Dante: I'm 37? 37! My girlfriend's sucked 37 dicks!
Customer with Diapers: In a row?
Randal: This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers.
Caged Animal Masturbator: It's important to have a job that makes a difference, boys. That's why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination
Dante: You hate people!
Randal: But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?
Dante: What's your encore? Do you, like, anally rape my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank?
Randal is on the phone when a woman and little girl come to the counter
'Happy-Scrappy' Mom: Excuse me, do you sell videos?
Randal: Yeah, what're you looking for?
'Happy-Scrappy' Kid: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.
Randal : Okay, hang on, I'm on the phone with the distribution house now, lemme make sure we got it. What was it called again?
'Happy-Scrappy' Mom: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.
'Happy-Scrappy' Kid: Happy Scrappy!
'Happy-Scrappy' Mom: She loves it.
Randal: Obviously. Yeah, hello, this is RST Video, customer number 4352, I need to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: "Whispers in the Wind", "To Each His Own", "Put It Where It Doesn't Belong", "My Pipes Need Cleaning", "All Tit-Fucking Volume 8", "I Need Your Cock", "Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers", "My Cunt Needs Shafts", "Cum Clean", "Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts", "Cum Buns III", "Cumming in Socks", "Cum On Eileen", "Huge Black Cocks and Pearly White Cum", "Girls Who Crave Cock", "Girls Who Crave Cunt", "Men Alone II: the KY Connection", "Pink Pussy Lips", and, uh, oh yeah, "All Holes Filled with Hard Cock". Uh-huh... yeah... Oh, wait, and, what was that called again?
Jay: I don't care if she's my cousin or not, I'm gonna knock those boots again tonight.
Sanford: Hey, Dante, I'm gonna grab a Gatorade.
Dante: If you grab a Gatorade, then everyone's gonna grab one.
Dante: So, who's gonna pay for all these Gatorades?
Sanford: What do you care, you shoe polish-smelling motherfucker?
Dante: Hey, I have a responsibility here. I can't have everybody grabbing free drinks.
Sanford: Responsibility? What responsibility? You're closing the fucking store to play hockey!
Randal: He's blunt, but he's got a point.
Dante: Will you let me maintain some semblance of managerial control here?
Sanford: No, all I'm sayin' is that if you're gonna be insubordinate, you might as well go the full nine, not pussy out when it comes to free shit to drink.
Randal: He's right, as if we're suddenly gonna have a run on Gatorade.
Sanford: Fuckin' A!
Dante: All right! Jesus! You fuckers are pushy!
Randal: Duh duh... duh duh... duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh... Salsa shark! We're gonna need a bigger boat! Man goes into cage, cage goes into salsa. Shark's in the salsa. Our shark.
Dante: Embolism in a pool, what an embarrassing way to die.
Randal: That's nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died.
Dante: How did he go?
Randal: He broke his neck.
Dante: You call that embarrassing?
Randal: He broke his neck while trying to suck his own dick!
Olaf: singing My love for you is like a truck, BERZERKER! Would you like some making fuck, BERZERKER!
Jay: snickering That's pretty fucking funny.
Jay's Lady Friend: Did he just say "making fuck"?
about Silent Bob's Russian Cousin
Jay's Lady Friend: He only speaks Russian?
Jay: Naw, he speaks some English, but he can't not speak it good like we do.
Dante : No. I have to leave early to pick up Caitlin. In which case, you're going to have to lock up the store tonight.
Randal: All right, but you're missing out. Chicks with dicks!
Randal: Oh what, what's with you, man? You haven't said anything for like twenty minutes. What the hell's you're problem?
Dante: This life.
Randal: This life?
Dante: Why do I have this life?
Randal: Have some chips, you'll feel better.
Dante: I'm stuck in this pit, working for less than a slave wages. Working on my day off, the goddamn steel shutters are closed, I deal with every backward ass fuck on the planet. I smell like shoe polish. My ex-girlfriend is catatonic after fucking a dead guy. And my present girlfriend has suck 36 dicks.
Randall is watching hermaphroditic porn
Caitlin: What are you watching?
Randal: Children's programming.
Randal: Some guy came into the store refusing to pay late fees. Said the store was closed for two hours yesterday. I tore up his membership.
Dante: Shocking abuse of authority.
Randal: Hey, I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class. Especially since I rule.
on his past relationship with Caitlin
Dante: She was supposed to meet Brad Michaelson in a dark bedroom. She picked the wrong one. She didn't even know I was at the party.
Randal: Oh my god.
Dante: Great story, huh?
Randal: That girl was vile to you.
Dante: Interesting post script to that story - you know who wound up with Brad in that dark bedroom?
Randal: Your mother?
Dante: Alan Harris.
Randal: Chess team Alan Harris?
Dante: The two moved to Idaho shortly after graduation. They raise sheep.
Randal: That's frightening.
Dante: Takes different strokes to move the world.
Randal: In light of this, I don't see how you can romanticize your relationship with Caitlin. She broke your heart and inadvertently drove men to deviant lifestyles.
Randal: Fine then, just let me borrow your car.
Dante: What for?
Randal: I want to go rent a movie. What was that?
Dante: You work at a video store!
Randal: I work at a shitty video store! I want to go to a good video store and get a good movie!
Randal: Hey, you and I have something in common - we both eat Chinese.
Randal : Exactly.
Randal: Why don't you join her and make a little bathroom bam bam?
Dante : I love your sex talk. It's so kindergarten. "Poo poo". "Wee wee".
Randal : Fuck you.
Dante: Just go. Just go open the video store.
Jay: Yeah! Go open the video store!
Randal: Shut the fuck up, junkie
Randal : What did your mom say when you told her you weren't engaged anymore?
Caitlin : She said not to come home until graduation.
Randal : Wow, you got thrown out for Dante?
Caitlin: What can I say? He does weird things to me.
Randal : Can I watch?
Caitlin : You can hold me down.
Randal: Can I join in?
Caitlin : You might be let down. I'm not a hermaphrodite.
Randal : Hey, few are.
Randal: This has gotta be the weirdest thing you've ever been called in on.
Coroner: Actually, I once had to tag a kid who broke his neck trying to put his mouth on his own penis.
Randal sorrowfully looks down, remembering his cousin Walter
Randal tries to open the locked door to the video store
Dental School Video Customer: Guy ain't here yet.
Randal: You're kidding? It's almost 11:30.
Dental School Video Customer: I know. I've been here since eleven.
Randal : Man, I hate it when I can't rent videos!
Dental School Video Customer: I would have gone to Big Choice, but the tape I want is right there on that wall.
Randal : Really, which one?
Dental School Video Customer: Dental School.
Randal : You came for that one, too? That's the movie I came here for.
Dental School Video Customer: I have first dibs.
Randal : Says who?
Dental School Video Customer: Says me. I've been here for a half-hour. I'd call that first dibs.
Randal: It ain't going to happen, my friend. I'm getting that movie.
Dental School Video Customer: Like hell you are.
Randal : I'll bet you 20 bucks you don't get to rent that tape.
Dental School Video Customer: 20 bucks?
Randal: 20 bucks.
Dental School Video Customer: All right, asshole, you're on.
Veronica : Hi, Randal.
Randal : Thirty-seven?
Dante: Shut up!
Brodie picks up a controller and continues a paused video game
Rene: What are you doing? You promised me breakfast.
Brodie: Breakfast, shmreakfast. Look at the score, for Christ's sake. It's only the second period and I'm up 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Rene, but Hartford, "the Whale," they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime.
Shannon: That's it. You're dead, mallrat. I'm gonna fuck you up beyond repair.
Brodie: Ladies and gentlemen, this tall drink of water headed my way is a pillar of the shopping community who informed me earlier today of a nefarious plan of his to screw my girlfriend in an extremely uncomfortable place.
Gil: What... like the back of a Volkswagen?
Jay and Silent Bob are hiding from La Fours
Jay: Is he gone?
Brodie: Halfway to Buy Me Toys by now.
they come out of hiding
Jay: Man, that bastard's faster than Walt Flanagan's dog...
Brodie: Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent - I don't care which one - but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator.
Brodie: You have my Punisher War Journal #6, my copy of "Fletch" and the remote control to my TV. Now, I know it's going to be hard to give this stuff up because of it's sentimental attachment...
Rene: Sentimental attachment? Look, if I have any of that crap it's because you brought it over my house and left it there.
Brodie: Okay, then let's talk about coming up with a schedule for visitation rights.
Rene: For what?
Brodie: For the mall. I figure you can take the odd days, I'll take the even days and weekends. When there's any special feature like a sidewalk sale...
Rene: interrupting Brodie, Brodie...
Brodie: ...or a boat show...
Rene: interrupting Brodie! I've always taken you with a grain of salt. On your birthday, when you told me to do a striptease to the theme of "Mighty Mouse", I said okay. On prom night at the hotel when you told me to sleep under the bed in case your mother burst in, I did it. And even during my grandmother's funeral when you told my relatives that you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let that slide. Grabs Brodie by the ear But if you think I'm gonna suffer any of your shit with a smile now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious fucking disappointment.
Gwen: How is it that you recall the most trivial events?
Brodie: I'll never forget it. How many times do you get to see Smokey fuck the Bandit?
Gwen: Didn't I look just like Burt Reynolds?
Brodie, T.S.: Except for the moustache.
Shannon: You're sure you saw her get on?
T.S.: Maybe she was getting off...
T.S. : Maybe he's calmed down, we'll talk about it reasonably.
Brodie: Reasonably shmeasonably, you should go over there and give him shit.
Brodie: After all he's done to you, you should still kinda stick it to him.
T.S.: How do you propose I do that?
Brodie: You stinkpalm him.
Brodie: You take your hand and stick it in your ass like this. You been walkin' all day and you're nervous, so no doubt you'll be sweaty as hell.
T.S. : You should see yourself right now, a grown man with his hand down his pants.
Brodie: Yeah i probably look like my old man. So you shake hands with the guy, "Hello Mr. Svenning how have you been?"
T.S.: What’s the point?
Brodie: You know how long it takes for that smell to come off? Scrub all you want, it'll stick around for at least two days. How does he explain it to his colleagues and family? They'll think he doesn't know how to wipe his ass properly.
T.S : Meanwhile you yourself are left with a hand that smells like shit.
Brodie: Small price to pay for the smiting of one's enemies.
Brodie: Brandi is the past my friend. You face forward, or you face the possibility of shock and damage. gets knocked down by a metal beam Where the hell did that come from? What's going on here?
T.S.: Looks like a stage is being erected.
Brodie: What is this monstrosity?
T.S : Maybe it's for the Easter Bunny pictures.
Brodie: Impossible, the Easter Bunny Court is down at the other end of the mall, it's been there since two days after Christmas. I want answers!
Bob Summers: Our first suitor goes to Marymount College where he majors in economics. Say hi to Doug Paging!
Jay: DO IT DOUG!
Brodie: I took you shopping all the time! Banging his hands against the elevator wall
Rene: You took me where you went shopping, you jerk! You think I care what store in that shitpit dirt mall has the latest Godzilla bootlegs? Do you call eating pizza in the same dive pizzeria every night eating out? Do I give a shit what two comic labels are crossing over characters, Selling two editions of the book in varied-ink chromium covers? I'm a girl, damn it! I wanna do girly things!
Brandi: Suitor number 3, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake or a jackhammer?
Gil: Definitely a jackhammer, I'm in there with some pressure and when I'm done, you're not the same as before. You're changed.
Brodie: Where do you come up with this shit? That's the cheesiest response to an honest question I have ever heard. I saw you kiss and it wasn't anything like that.
Bob Summers: Chuckling Suitor #2, you'll have to wait until you're addressed before you respond.
Brodie: Richard Dawson, why don't you just go back to your podium until it's time to play The Feud. All right? Audience laughs
Gil: Who the hell did you see me kiss?
Brodie: Some dude backstage. I don't know who he was but he seemed unimpressed.
Gil: I didn't kiss any guy backstage. I swear. I'm not gay.
Brodie: Hey, Suitorette, this guys a homophobe. You heard how repulsed he sounded. Is this the kind of guy you want to spend a vacation with? This hate-monger?
Gil: I don't hate gay people.
Brodie: So you love them?
Gil: Yes. I mean no.
Brodie: Textbook closet case self-loather. Can't be comfortable with his own sexuality.
Brodie: You're gonna listen to me? To something I said? Hasn't it become abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit?
Brodie: Tell me, did you ever fart in front of her?
T.S. : No, why do you ask?
Brodie: I never farted in front of Renee. Last week, I let one slip and today she dumps me.
T.S. : Renee's not the shallow type. You're not insinuating...
Brodie: She was going down on me at the time.
T.S. : Retches
Brodie: What can I say, I was feeling relaxed, when I feel relaxed I squirt.
T.S.: If all she did was dump you, you got off light.
Brodie: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for Sega.
Brodie: I would've made a sexy chick.
Brodie: My Grandmother always used to say "why buy the cow, when you can get the sex for free".
T.S. : She said that?
Brodie: All the time, before she became a lesbian on her 60th Birthday, but that's besides the point.
Brodie: You fuckers think just because a guy reads comics he can't start some shit?
Brodie: The usual vault rules apply: Touch not, lest ye be touched.
T.S.: You're such an anal retentive bastard.
Brodie: Hey, I tried to teach you how to handle comics in the sixth grade, but oh no. You wanted to play little league.
T.S. : But they're engaged.
Brodie: Doesn't matter, can't happen.
T.S. : Why not? It's bound to come up.
Brodie: It's impossible, Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I guarantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry her child?
T.S. : Sure, why not?
Brodie: He's an alien, for Christ sake. His Kyrptonian biological makeup is enhanced by earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. That would kill him.
T.S.: How is it that I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi to man of steel coital debates with you in the food court? Brodie: Cookie stand isn't part of the food court.
T.S. : Of course it is.
Brodie: The food court is downstairs. The cookie stand is upstairs. It not like we're talking quantum physics here.
T.S.: The cookie stands counts as an eatery, eateries are part of the food court.
Brodie: Bullshit. Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs count as food court. Anything outside, of said designated sqaure, counts as an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking. Now, if your going to wax intellectual about the subject...
At a Dating Game-like game show
Brandi: Second suitor: if we were making whoopee, what sounds would you make?
Brodie: Wait, what's whoopee?
Brandi: You know, being intimate.
Brodie: What? Like fucking?
Jay: Silent Bob stole the schematics from some foolish carpenter and found a weakness just like the fucking Death Star. You knock this crossbeam out and, fuckin' bickety-bam, the whole stage comes crashing down.
Brodie: Well we were thinking of something simple, but hey, if you want to destroy the stage, we're all for that.
Brodie: Brodie's voice One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck up his ass. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrasing for my relatives and all, but next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So, I run into him a week later in the mall and he's buying another cat. And I says to him, "Jesus, Walt! What are you doing? You know you're just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass too. Why don't you knock it off?" And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy.
Brandi: Second suitor, would you ever make whoopie in public?
Brodie: I already did once today. clicks his finger at Renee But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on a plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going out of control, so he decides it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad. So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, *Snap* the hydraulics kick back in. The plane rights itself and it land safely and everyone puts their pieces or, whatever, you know, away and deboard. No one mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.
Gil: Well, did he cum, or what?
Brodie: Jesus Christ, man. There's just some things you don't talk about in public.
Shannon: You wanna say something?
Brodie: Yeah. About a million things, but I can't express myself monosyllabically enough for you to understand it all.
Brodie: You've probably had a slew of women since her, am I right?
Stan Lee: Oh, lots of women. Jagger and me, we had a running contest to see who had the most. In fact, last time I checked I was way ahead.
Brodie: DAMN that's hot!
Jay: What you need is a fatty-boom-batty blunt, and I guarantee you'll be seeing a sailboat, an ocean, and maybe even some of those big-titted mermaids doing some of that lesbian shit. Look at me, look at me, you sloppy bitch!
Brodie: I love the smell of commerce in the morning.
Brandi: Suitor Number Three, what would our first date be like?
Gil: Well, uh, first I'd take you shopping to stores you wanna shop in, and then we'd do a little lunch, probably at the Cheese Haus, followed by some golfing. And then at night, we'd take in an opera, probably Die Fledermaus, and then I'd follow it up with a drive to a secluded beach where I'd pop on the radio and we could slow-dance till the sun came up.
Brodie: That was the biggest load of crap I've ever heard. I mean, look at you. You're the kind of guy who would beg for sex. And I should know, we can smell our own.
T.S. : How easily do you quit? Say you wind up with one of us?
Brodie: Hopefully not Rush Limbaugh over here.
Gil: Well, now, I'm not like Rush Limbaugh.
Brodie: Well, why not? Because he's fat? Now you have something against fat people, too?
Brodie: T.S. Quint, meet Tricia Jones. They call her Trish "the dish".
Tricia: Nobody calls me that.
after hitting La Fours over the head with a baseball bat
Jay: Come to me, son of Jor-El. Kneel before Zod. Snootchie-bootchies.
Jay: as Silent Bob is 'flying' across the mall towards the stage Fly, Fatass, fly.
Little Girl: looking at a Magic Eye poster Wow. It's a schooner.
Willam: Ha ha ha ha. You dumb bastard. It's not a schooner... it's a Sailboat.
Little Boy: A schooner IS a sailboat stupid head.
Willam: becoming enraged You know what. There is NO Easter Bunny. Over there, that's just a guy in a suit.
Rene: hitting him DICK
Brodie: Bruce speaking of T.S. and Brandi's love You two are retarded for each other.
Brodie: Look, if I had any kind of glow it's because I just got laid. I would look the same had I banged anyone in that elevator... present company excluded.
T.S.: Deny it all you want. I think that you're too proud to admit that you want her back.
Brodie: I suddenly want something very bad to happen to you. TS elbows Gwen in the chest, she hits him in the groin See, that's what you get for fucking with me.
Brodie: Why don't they ever bring back or remake good shows, like 'BJ and the Bear.' Now there's a concept I can't get enough of, a man and his monkey.
Stan Lee: You know, I think you ought to get him some help. He seems to be really hung up on super heroes' sex organs.
T.S. : You should see yourself right now - a grown man with his hand down his pants.
Brodie: Yeah, I probably look like my old man.
Jay: Silent Bob here's an electrical genius. He won the science fair in eighth grade by turning his mom's vibrator into a CD player using some chicken wire and shit.The mother fucker's like MacGyver. No, the mother fucker's *better than* MacGyver.
Brodie: You're giving up? You? You used to be stand-up guy, what happened to him? The guy who punched Amanda's gross-out mother after she called him "low class".
T.S. : That wasn't me. It was you.
Brodie: Oh, yeah.
T.S. : And it wasn't her mother, it was her grandmother.
Brodie: No wonder the bitch went down so fast.
Jay: is reading a Hustler. He shows a spread to Silent Bob Dude, this one looks like your mom.
Silent Bob nods
Jay: explains the details of Operation Drive By to Silent Bob First you take a run at La Fours with a sock full of quarters. I'd do it, but I pulled my back at humping your mom last night. Neetch. Okay, you clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold. That's when phase two kicks in. I attack the structure Wolvie Berzerk style, and knock out the fuckin' pin and bickety bam, the motherfucker is rubble. Hence, no game show.
T.S. : Jesus, how much did you smoke?
Jay: All it took was a phat, chronic blunt. These guys were lightweights.
T.S.: How much do I owe you?
Jay: My treat. As long as you promise that the next time you pop your old lady, you make her call you "Jay." Snootchie Bootchies.
T.S. : Let's hope there is a next time.
Jay: Dude, you the mad chick magnet.
Brodie: Hey, look at that ring. What is that?
Jared: That is, um, my Junior College class ring. Cum Laude, '69.
Brodie: I also hope to cum loud one day, preferably in a 69.
Brodie: There is something out there that can help us ease our simultaneous double loss.
T.S. : What? Ritual suicide?
Brodie: No, you idiot, the fucking mall!
T.S. : I'd prefer ritual suicide.
Brodie: Oh come on man it'll be great. They have these new cookies at the cookie stand, you have to try 'em. They're awesome
the videotape of Shannon back-dooring Trica is playing on the big screen, with cheesy 70s porno music in background
Shannon: Yeah, who's your favorite New Kid. Yeah, call me Joey. Oh, come on. Don't make me get loose. Yeah, that's right. Call me Donnie. Oh, girl. Oh, please don't go girl.
Jay: Goddamn. This is one wacky game show.
Brodie: to the cops Hey! That girl's only 15!
cops focus their attention on Shannon
Shannon: Ah, 15. I thought she was 36! cops are approaching him Come on, guys. Tell me you wouldn't have popped her.
Brodie: is trying to get into the comic book store Hey, what's going on in there?
Steve-Dave: I was warned about you. Take it easy before I have you removed from the mall.
Brodie: Warned? What the fuck are you talking about?
Walt: Tell him, Steve-Dave.
Brodie: Fuck you, Fanboy.
T.S.: breaking up the fight Can you two testosterone-seething, he-man, comic book fans finish up with this display of tough guy back-and-forth? I have some questions that need answering.
Jay: explains the details of Operation Dark Knight to Silent Bob Okay Lunchbox, let's try this again. We tie you to the roof and you jump off and sail like a Spitfire passing right over the arch nemesis La Fours. You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin. And when that's gone the stage is trashed and we go smoke a bowl. You got it? Now get your fat ass up there. And dude, don't forget your helmet. Snoogens
T.S.: I was going to propose to her.
T.S.: The Universal Tour.
Brodie: You're kidding. What part?
T.S : When Jaws popped out of the water.
Brodie: That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.
T.S. : Too bad I'm not trying to marry you.
Tricia: I heard that you were going to propose to Brandi Svenning at some theme park. When are men going to learn that women want ROMANCE, not Mr. Toad's Wild Ride...
Brodie: Hey, now, be fair. EVERYONE wants Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.
Brodie: Most of the time I'm just talking out of my ass - or sticking my hand in it.
about the break-up letter from Renee
Brodie: Yeah, and she also said I had no dick. Which precedes the financial que
stion, proving once more what women really look for.
Silent Bob is trying to levitate a cigarette
T.S.: What's he doing?
Jay: Shithead here watched Empire and Jedi last week and ever since then, he's been trying to do the Jedi mind trick. The crazy fuck thinks he can levitate shit with his thoughts. slaps the cigarette out of Silent Bob's hand Knock it off.
Brodie: to Silent Bob The force is strong with this one.
Jay: Dude, don't encourage him.
Shannon: Smart-ass ex-boyfriend! I've got two things to tell you. One: I don't like you. I see you every week in this mall. I don't like you shiftless layabouts. You're one of those fucking mallrat kids. You don't come to the mall to shop or work. You hang out and act like you fucking live here. Well, I have no respect for people with no shopping agenda.
Brodie: s this what's known as motivated salesmanship?
Shannon beats up Brodie Rene told me to leave you alone, but she's fucking clueless. The newly single always feel a bit protective of the ex-boyfriend.
Brodie: If this is her idea of protective, I'd hate to have her mad at me.
Shannon: You see, Bruce, I like to pick up girls on the rebound from a disappointing relationship. They're much more in need of solace and they're fairly open to suggestion. And, I use that to fuck them some place very uncomfortable.
Brodie: What, like the back of a Volkswagen?
Shannon: No. More like someplace girls dread.
Brodie tries to take a poke at Shannon, Shannon gives him another beat-down
T.S.: I got to hit the bathroom.
Brodie: PLEASE. Don't say "hit".
about the indoor flea market
Brodie: Come on, this is the dirt mall. Cops don't come here.
T.S. : Neither does any self-respecting consumer.
Ivannah: Free your minds.
Brodie: I'd like to free something...
T.S. : Haven't you ever heard the phrase "The customer is always right?"
Shannon: Let me tell you something. Let me give you a little secret, okay. yells it right in T.S.' ear The customer is always an asshole!
Brodie: Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?
Jay: You're fucking kidding me! The Easter bunny did this?
Brodie: All I said was that the Easter bunny at the Menlo Park mall was more convincing and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down.
Jay: He's fucking dead!
Brodie: Oh let it go, he's under a lot of pressure.
T.S. and Gwen approach them
T.S. : What the hell happened?
Jay: The guy in the Easter bunny suit kicked his ass.
Brodie: I had it coming.
Jay: to Silent Bob Fuck all that shit. Come on, Silent Bob.
Jay and Silent Bob leave
T.S. : What really happened?
Brodie: The proprietor of Fashionable Male beat a rain check into my stomach.
Gwen: Shannon Hamilton?
T.S. : You know that guy?
Gwen: I went out with him once after we dated. He tried to screw me some place very uncomfortable.
T.S.: What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?
Brodie: Sounds like his M.O.
Brodie: referring to the tape of Shannon having anal sex with Trish Did you see that shit? You call that romance?
Rene: I call that illegal.
T.S.: to Jay and Silent Bob You two up for getting stoned?
Jay: Look who you're asking!
Rene: about why she cries in the bathroom Do you really wanna know?
Brodie: I asked, didn't I? I'm playing the role of concerned guy.
Brodie: That's what I was thinking.
T.S.: She said 'focus'.
Brodie: You know about this game show they got goin' on here? We need you guys to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen.
Jay: Is that it? We were gonna do that anyway.
Brodie: Really? Why?
Jay: What else are we gonna do?
Stan Lee: They look happy, don't they?
Brodie: What, the bras?
T.S.: Reading the break-up letter that Renee gave Brodie Woah, she calls you "callow" in here.
Brodie: You say that like it's bad.
T.S. : It means frightened and weak-willed.
Brodie: Really? Shit. That was the only part of the letter I thought was complimentary.
Hooper: For years in this industry, whenever an African American character, hero or villain, was introduced - usually by white artists and writers - they got slapped with racist names that singled them out as Negroes. Now, my book, "Whitey-Hating Coon," don't have none of that bullshit. The hero's name is Maleekwa, and he's descended from the black tribe that established the first society on the planet, while all you European motherfuckers were hiding out in caves and shit, all terrified of the sun. He's a strong role model that a young black reader can look up to. Cause I'm here to tell you, the chickens is coming home to roost, y'all. The black man's no longer gonna play the minstrel in the realm of comics and sci-fi fantasy. We keepin it real, and we gonna get respect by any means necessary.
Holden: Ah, come on, that's a bunch of horse shit! Lando Calrissian was a black guy. You know, and he got to fly the Millennium Falcon, what's the matter with you?
Hooper: Who said that?
Holden: I did! Lando Calrissian is a strong role-model in the realm of science fiction/fantasy.
Hooper: Fuck Lando Calrissian! Uncle-Tom nigger!
Silent Bob: to Holden, who has just revealed his trouble with Alyssa You're Chasing Amy.
Holden: Shocked that Silent Bob has broken his Silence What? What did you say?
Silent Bob: You're Chasing Amy.
Jay: What do you look so shocked for, man, fat bastard does this all the time. He thinks just cause he doesn't say anything, it'll have this huge impact when he does open his fuckin' mouth...
Silent Bob: Jesus Christ, why don't you shut up? You're always yap-yap-yappin' all the time, you're givin' me a fuckin' headache. to Holden
Silent Bob: I went through something like what you're talkin' 'bout, 'couple years ago, this chick named Amy.
Silent Bob: annoyed A couple of years ago?
Banky: This is all going to end badly.
Banky: What is it about this girl man, you know you have no shot at getting her into bed so why do you even bother wasting time with her, because you're Holden fucking McNeil, the most persistent traveler on the road that's not the path of least resistance, everything has to be a fucking challenge for you and this little relationship with that BITCH is a prime example of your fucking condition, Well I don't need a magic 8-ball to look into your future, you want a forecast here, will Holden ever fuck Alyssa?, oh what a shock, NOT FUCKING LIKELY. This relationship is affecting you, our work and our friendship and the time is going to come when I throw down the gauntlet and say it's me or her then what are you going to say?
Holden: I think you should let this one go
Banky: No what would you say, would you trash 20 years of fucking friendship because you got some idiotic notion that this chick will let you sniff her panties, let alone fuck her
Holden: Look fucking asshole, I'm telling you let it go, ok!
Banky: What the fuck man, what the fuck makes this bitch all that important
Holden: Because I'm fucking in love with her man, OK!
Alyssa: Fuck you.
Banky: Not even if you let me tape it
Bank: Alright, now see this? This is a four-way road, OK? And dead in the center is a crisp, new, hundred dollar bill. Now, at the end of each of these streets are four people, OK? Are you following?
Banky: Good. Over here, we have a male-affectionate, easy to get along with, non-political agenda lesbian. Down here, we have a man-hating, angry as fuck, agenda of rage, bitter dyke. Over here, we got Santa Claus, and up here the Easter Bunny. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first?
Holden: What is this supposed to prove?
Banky: No, I'm serious. This is a serious exercise. It's like an SAT question. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first? The male-friendly lesbian, the man-hating dyke, Santa Claus, or the Easter bunny?
Holden: The man-hating dyke.
Banky: Good. Why?
Holden: I don't know.
Banky: Because the other three are figments of your fucking imagination!
Banky: All every woman really wants, be it mother, senator, nun, is some serious deep-dickin'.
Alyssa: I love you, I always will. Know that. But I'm not your fucking whore.
Banky: I feel a hate crime coming on.
Holden: So, uh, what do you wanna do tonight?
Banky: I dunno. Get a pizza, watch "Degrassi Jr. High".
Holden: You got a weird thing for Canadian melodrama.
Banky: I got a weird thing for girls who say, "Aboot."
Silent Bob: Bitch, what you don't know about me I can just about squeeze in the Grand fucking Canyon. Did you know I always wanted to be a dancer in Vegas?
Alyssa: on the phone with Holden after she paged him One minute and five seconds; you are such my bitch.
Alyssa: Let me ask you something. Can men fuck each other?
Banky: What, are you asking for my permission?
Alyssa: In your estimation.
Banky: Yeah, sure.
Alyssa: So for you, to fuck means to penetrate. You're used to the more traditional definition. You, inside some girl you duped, jackhammering away, not noticing the bored look in her eyes.
Banky: Hey, I always notice the bored look in their eyes.
Banky: to Alyssa Since you like chicks, right, do you just look at yourself naked in the mirror all the time?
Alyssa: Are you an authorized dealmaker in this establishment? Do you have the power to negotiate?
Cashier: You wanna haggle over the price of your French Dip?
Jay: So why the long face, Horse? Banky on the rag?
Holden: I'm just, ahh... just havin' a little girl trouble.
Jay: Bitch pressin' charges? I get that a lot.
Banky: Archie is *not* fucking Mr. Weatherbee!
Jay: Jedi bitch.
on his lovemaking approach
Banky: Like CNN and the Weather Channel: constant updates.
Alyssa: So, you've never been curious about men?
Holden: Curious about men? Well, I always wondered why my father watched Hee Haw.
Alyssa: Why are we stopping?
Holden: Because I can't take this.
Alyssa: Can't take what?
Holden: I love you.
Alyssa: You love me?
Holden: I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't, I can't look into your eyes without feeling that, that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, because I've never felt this way before, and I don't care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I'll accept that. But I know... I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. All I ask, please, is that you just, you just not dismiss that - and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn't another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can't deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which - while I do appreciate it - I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.
Banky: Now THAT, my friend, is a shared moment.
Alyssa: You know, I didn't just heed what I was taught, men and women should be together, it's the natural way, that kind of thing. I'm not with you because of what family, society, life tried to instill in me from day one. The way the world is, how seldom it is that you meet that one person who just *gets* you - it's so rare. My parents didn't really have it. There were no examples set for me in the world of male-female relationships. And to cut oneself off from finding that person, to immediately halve your options by eliminating the possibility of finding that one person within your own gender, that just seemed stupid to me. So I didn't. But then you came along. You, the one least likely. I mean, you were a guy.
Holden: Still am.
Alyssa: And while I was falling for you I put a ceiling on that, because you *were* a guy. Until I remembered why I opened the door to women in the first place: to not limit the likelihood of finding that one person who'd complement me so completely. So here we are. I was thorough when I looked for you. And I feel justified lying in your arms, 'cause I got here on my own terms, and I have no question there was some place I didn't look. And for me that makes all the difference.
Holden: It's not who you love, it's how.
Banky: I just have to get something. Pulls out a huge stack of porno books
Holden: Oh my God. Who are you, Larry fucking Flynt? What are you going to do with all of those?
Banky: Read the articles. What do you think I'm going to do with them? They're stroke books, stupid!
Holden: You've got like thirty books there! We're only going to be gone for two days!
Banky: Variety's the spice of life. I like a wide selection. Sometimes I'm in the mood for nasty close-ups, sometimes I like them arty and air-brushed. Sometimes it's a spread brown-eye kind of night, sometimes it's girl-on-girl time. Sometimes a steamy letter will do it, sometimes - not often, but sometimes - I like the idea of a chick with a horse.
Holden: How do you manage to get away with this all the time? I mean, shouldn't the cops be busting your head open right about now?
Banky: Wrong coast.
Hooper: I need to sell the image to sell the book. I mean, would the audience still buy the whole black rage angle if they found out the book was written by a... you know...
Hooper: When you say it, it sounds so sexy. kisses Banky
while autographing a comic for a young fan, Hooper points at Holden
Hooper: See that man over there? He the Devil! Never take your eye off the man.
Hooper: Honey, don't give me that "all for one" shit. I got to deal with being a minority in a minority of a minority, and nobody supports my ass.
Hooper: All the boys need to feel like they're Marco Fucking Polo when it comes to sex.
Holden: If this is a crush, I don't think I could take it if the real thing ever happened.
Hooper: Archie was the bitch and Jughead was the butch. That's why he was always going around wearing that crown-looking hat... he was the king of queen Archie's world.
Jay: You gotta boil it down to the essentials. It's like Cube says, "Life ain't nothin' but bitches and money."
Banky: What difference does it make if I refer to her as a dyke? Or if I call the Whalers a bunch of faggots in the comfort of my own office, far from the sensitive ears of the rest of the world?
Holden: Yeah, well I've had my finger up my ass but I wouldn't say I've had anal sex.
Banky: I'm going to prove to you beyond a shadow of a doubt that Archie is all about pussy.
Banky: Let's go!
Holden: See that dent in the hood of your car?
Banky: looks outside Son of a bitch!
Holden: Look, man, we miss this train, and I am gonna shitcan you and just hire Charles Schulz
Banky: Everyone has an agenda. Everyone.
Hooper: And Jedi's the most insulting installment. Because Vader's beautiful black visage is sullied when he pulls off his mask to reveal a feeble, crusty, old white man! They tryin' to tell us that deep inside we all wants to be white!
Banky: Well, isn't that true?
About: Banky's argument with his grade school religion teacher
Alyssa: How bad could it have been?
Holden: Put it this way: have you ever heard a nun call an eight year-old boy a fucking cunt rag?
Silent Bob: to Holden So there's me an' Amy, and we're all inseparable, right? Just big time in love. And then about four months in, I ask about the ex-boyfriend. Dumb move, I know, but you know how it is - you don't really want to know, but you just have to... stupid guy bullshit. Anyway she starts telling me all about him - how they dated for years, lived together, her mother likes me better, blah, blah, blah - and I'm okay. But then she tells me that a couple times, he brought other people to bed with them - ménage a tois, I believe it's called. Now this just blows my mind. I mean, I'm not used to that sort of thing, right? I was raised Catholic.
Jay: Saint Shithead.
Silent Bob backhands him. Jay raises his fist as if to strike Do something. to Holden So I get weirded out, and just start blasting her, right? This is the only way I can deal with it - by calling her a slut, and telling her that she was used - I mean, I'm out for blood I want to hurt her - because I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling. And I'm like "What the fuck is wrong with you?" and she's telling me that it was that time, in that place, and she didn't do anything wrong, so she's not gonna apologize. So I tell her it's over, and I walk.
Silent Bob: No, idiot. It was a mistake. I wasn't disgusted with her, I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small - like I'd lacked experience, like I'd never be on her level or never be enough for her or something. And what I didn't get was that she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy anymore. She was looking for me, for the Bob. But by the time I realized this, it was too late, you know. She'd moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl, I know that now. But I pushed her away... lights a cigarette So I've spent every day since then chasing Amy... takes a drag from his smoke So to speak.
Jay: to Holden Bitch tasted life, yo, now she's settlin' for your boring, funny-book-makin' ass.
Banky: I'm telling you that chick is probably a bigger germ farm than that monkey in Outbreak
Banky: Bring on the free hooch!
Alyssa: Since most of these people are cheering for the home team, I'm going to root for the visitors. I'm a big visitors fan. Especially the kind that make coffee in the morning before they leave!
Holden: Sorry about him, he's dealing with being an inker.
Alyssa: Oh... you trace
Jay: What's that shit he's got us saying?
Silent Bob: Oh, umm...”Snootchie Bootchies."
Jay: Snootchie Bootchies. Who the fuck talks like that? That is fucking baby talk.
Banky: Who should I sign it to?
Little Kid: I don't want you to sign it. I want the guy who draws Bluntman and Chronic to sign it. snatches the comic away You're just a tracer.
Collector: Tell him, little shaver.
Banky is strangling the Collector
Collector: You're mucking with a G, you fuckin' tracer.
Banky: I'll trace a chalk line around your dead fucking body, you fuck!
Holden: to Security Guards Will you get him out of here!
Collector: as he's being dragged away by Security Guard Hey wait a second! He jumped me, you fucking tracer!
Banky: YOUR MOTHER'S A TRACER!
Jay: Man, why do you always have to tell that fuckin' gay story?
Silent Bob: Man, shut up.
Jay: You shut up, you fat fuck!
Banky: What the fuck is going on here?
Holden: I'm starting a new page?
Banky grabs the pen out of Holden's hand and throws it
Banky: Not with this shit, what the fuck is going on with you and that girl?
Holden: We're just friends!
Banky: She's programming you!
Holden: I beg your pardon? Programming?
Banky: Yeah, and apparently you don't even fucking realize it!
Fan: I love these guys! You know what? they're like Bill and Ted meet... Cheech and Chong!
Holden: Yeah... I kinda like to think of them as Rosencrantz and Guildenstern meet Vladamir and Estragon.
Fan: Yes! pause Who?
wanting to leave Meow Mix after learning Alyssa is gay
Holden: We've got to beat traffic.
Banky: What traffic? It's 1:30 in the morning!
Holden: Yeah, and rush hour starts in six hours. Let's go.
Holden: Oh no, here's the big test. The Quick Stop
Alyssa: My best friend fucked a dead guy in the bathroom
Holden: You know that girl
Alyssa: I did, before she was committed
Holden: They used you!
Alyssa: No! I used them! You don't think I would've let it happen if I hadn't wanted to? Do you? I was an experimental girl for Christ sake! Maybe you knew from early on your track was from point A to be, but unlike you I was not given a fucking map at birth, so I tried it all! That is until we, you and I, got together and suddenly I was sated!
Alyssa: about Holden's new comic, "Chasing Amy" Looks like a very personal story.
Holden: I finally had something personal to say.
Banky: showing one of his porno magazines to a kid at the train station And then, Black Beauty couldn't take it any more and he finally did some of his own mounting.
Banky: playing video game Fucking faggot, man! Did you *see* that? Your dyke-courting ass just got me scored on.
Holden: after Banky just got into a fight with a fan for calling him a "tracer." May I explain the audience principle to you? If you insult and acost them, then we have no audience!
Banky: HE STARTED IT! FUCKING COCK-KNOCKER! HE'S LUCKY I DIDN'T PUT MY PEN THROUGH HIS THORAX!
Hooper: It seems like Banky has a problem with all things not hetero.
Holden: It's like my grandma always said... 'The real money's in the dick and fart jokes.' She was a church lady.
Banky : Where's Holden?
Hooper: I think he went to the bathroom.
Banky: That guy's got a bladder like an infant.
Hooper: That's funny. He says you're hung like an infant.
Banky: Does his mother tell him everything?
Jay: Yo man, tell me something about me.
Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.
Jay: Aw fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.
Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys.
a shocked Silent Bob stares at Jay
Jay: Dude, not all the time.
Bartleby: Ladies and gentlemen, you have been judged guilty of sinning against our almighty God, and I promise you, you shall pay for your trespasses, in blood! rips open his shirt to reveal a silver breastplate Wings, now.
Loki: I'm feeling a little exposed here...
Bartleby: DO IT!
Jay: I know they were just kids, but we kicked their pube-less asses!
Bartleby: "I do believe in this." What does that mean?
Azrael: Get me a... Holy Bartender.
Bartender: Never heard of it.
Azrael: Ahh, he doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you, Muse?
Azrael: Ahh, anybody? No?
Jay and Silent Bob shake their heads
Azrael: Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender... pulls out an uzi, shoots the bartender repeatedly, then laughs hysterically Get it?
Serendipity: restrained by the Stygian triplets who have suddenly appeared Sweet Jesus, Azrael why?
Rufus: Come on, demon, I wanna see you try that shit on someone who's already dead!
Azrael: Now, now, apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room. The Christ bitch will join you. referring to Bethany
Metatron: Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence would do well to cover their ears right about now.
Metatron: I am to charge you with a holy crusade.
Bethany: For the record, I work in an abortion clinic.
Metatron: Noah was a drunk. Look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you to build an ark. All you have to do is go to New Jersey, and visit a small church on a very important day.
Bethany: New Jersey? That doesn't sound like much of a crusade.
Metatron: Aside from the fine print, that's it.
Bethany: What's the fine print?
Metatron: mumbling into glass Stopacoupleofangelsfromenteringandthusnegatingallexistence.
Bethany: Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.
Metatron: Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. I hate when people need it spelled out for them
Jay: What the shit is that?
Rufus: He still digs humanity, but it bothers Him to see the shit that gets carried out in His name - wars, bigotry, televangelism. But especially the factioning of all the religions. He said humanity took a good idea and, like always, built a belief structure on it.
Bethany: Having beliefs isn't good?
Rufus: I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier. Life should malleable and progressive; working from idea to idea permits that. Beliefs anchor you to certain points and limit growth; new ideas can't generate. Life becomes stagnant.
Gun Salesman: We call this piece the Fecalator. One look at it and the target shits him or herself. Try it on.
Loki: Well, it's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it's not nearly as impressive. Just doesn't have that Wrath-of-the-Almighty edge to it. I mean, come on, how am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this...
Bartleby: Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste, like.
Loki: Easy for you to say. You get off light in razing. You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gomorrah, I had to do all the work.
Bartleby: What work did you do? You lit a few fires.
Loki: I rained down sulphur, man, there's a subtle difference.
Bartleby: Oh, yeah, I'm sure.
Loki: Hey, you know, fuck you, man. Any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire. Raining down sulphur is like an endurance trial man. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, outside of soccer.
Bethany: McHenry is pretty far from Jersey, might I ask what brings you guys to Illinois?
Jay: Some fuck named John Hughes.
Bethany: "16 Candles" John Hughes?
Jay: You know him too? That fucking guy. Made this flick "16 Candles" right? Not bad it's got tits in it, but no bush. Of course Ebert over here don't give a shit about that stuff cause he's all in love with this John Hughes guy and rents every one of his movies. Fucking "Breakfast Club" all these stupid kids actually show up to detention, fucking "Weird Science" where this one chick wants to take off her gear and get down, but aw, no she don't cause it's a PG movie, and then there's "Pretty In Pink" which I can't watch with this tubby muthafucker any more, because everytime we get to the part where the red head hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbin' like a little eight-year-old with a skinned knee and shit. And nothing is worse then watching a fat man weep.
Jay: Heh, me lead you? Lady look at me I don't even know where the hell I am half the time!
Noman the Golgothan: Not born. SHIT into existence.
Nun: You don't believe in God because of Alice in Wonderland?
Loki: No, "Through the Looking Glass". That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter" that's an indictment of organized religion. The walrus, with his girth and his good nature, he obviously represents either Buddha, or... or with his tusk, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha. That takes care of your Eastern religions. Now the carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter's son, he represents the Western religions. Now in the poem, what do they do... what do they do? They... They dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensure the destruction of one's inner-being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions... by inhibiting our decisions, out of... out of fear of some... some intangible parent figure who... who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says... and says, "Do it - Do it and I'll fuckin' spank you. "
Jay: Get offa me. I wanna see what's up. What the fuck is this shit? Who the fuck are you, lady? Why the fuck did you hug my head?
Metatron: Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there?
Jay: What the fuck is this, The Piano? Why ain't this broad talking?
Metatron: I believe the answers that you seek lie within my companion's eyes.
Jay: What the fuck does that mean? Has everyone gone fuckin' nuts? What the fuck happened to that guy's head? I want some...
God kisses him on the cheek. Jay faints
Silent Bob hits Azrael in the chest with a blessed golf-club - his chest shatters, revealing black ooze
Azrael: But I'm a fuckin' demon.
Bethany: What's he like?
Metatron: God? Lonely. But funny. He's got a great sense of humor. Take sex for example. There's nothing funnier than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus.
Bethany: Sex is a joke in heaven?
Metatron: The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here, too.
Metatron: However, if you should decide to stop being selfish and accept your responsibility, you won't be alone. You'll have support.
Bethany: What, more angels?
Metatron: Prophets. Two of them. The one who speaks - and he will, at great lengths, whether you want him to or not - will make mention of himself as a prophet. The other one... well, he's the quiet type, but he'll be helpful just the same.
Bethany: Then - I don't mean to sound ungrateful - but what are you doing hanging around?
Jay: We're here to pick up chicks.
Bethany: Excuse me?
Jay: We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be there unless they like to fuck?
Jay: I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked-up bar.
Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower.
Jay: I can't wait to die.
Serendipity: Can you believe it? Me - a muse, for God's sake. I sit down in front of the typewriter, and what do I get? Nothing. Blank page. I can't even write a grocery list.
Bethany: What about what you did with Jay and Silent Bob? You inspired them.
Serendipity: That's the cosmic joke. I can give out a zillion and nine ideas a second, but I can't keep any for myself. Her quirky sense of humor.
Metatron: You people. If there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth knowing, is it?
Metatron: Human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that one out.
Loki: The last four days on Earth. If I had a dick, I'd go get laid. But we can do that next best thing.
Bartleby: What's that?
Loki: Let's kill people. Lady next to Loki spits out her coffee to lady Oh, not you.
Serendipity: I have issues with anyone who treats faith as a burden instead of a blessing. You people don't celebrate your faith; you mourn it.
Jay: The whole fucking world's against us, dude, I swear to God.
Bethany: decides to accompany Jay and Silent Bob to New Jersey I want to go with you.
Jay: What, steady?... OK, but Silent Bob has to live with us and you pay the rent.
Jay drives Bethany's car; the motor shrieks
Bethany: What gear are you in?
Metatron: Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God. Bethany sprays him with fire
extinguisher coughing Fuck! emerging from smoke Sweet Jesus! Do you have to use the whole can?
Bethany: Who the FUCK are you, and what the FUCK are you doing in my room?
Metatron: I'm soaked and she's surly, that's rich!
Serendipity: When are you people going to learn? It's not about who's right or wrong. No denomination's nailed it yet, and they never will because they're all too self-righteous to realize that it doesn't matter what you have faith in, just that you have faith. Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains need to wake up.
Rufus: What He really hates is the shit that gets carried out in his name. Wars. Bigotry. Televangelism.
Loki: Church laws are fallible because they're created by man.
Bartleby: You know, here's what I don't get about you. You know for a fact that there is a God. You have been in his presence. He's spoken to you personally, and yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist.
Loki: I just like to fuck with the clergy, man. I just love it. I just love to keep those guys on their toes.
Bartleby: You know, maybe you're wrong about this slaughter thing. How can you even be sure what incurs the Lord's wrath these days? Times change. I remember when eating meat on a Friday was supposed to be a Hell-worthy trespass.
Loki: T he major sins never change. Besides, you know, I can spot a commandment-breaker from, like, a mile away. So, bet on it.
Bartleby: This from the guy who still owes me 10 bucks over that bet about what was gonna be the bigger movie - "E. T. " or "Krush Groove"?
Loki: You know, fuck you, man, 'cause time's gonna tell on that one. brief pause What, are you insinuating that I don't have what it takes anymore?
Bartleby: Insinuating, no. Flat-out telling you.
Serendipity: Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence.
Bethany: You were martyred?
Rufus: That's one way of putting it. Another way of putting it would be to say that I was bludgeoned to death by huge fucking rocks.
Jay: So what's up? You got a friend for Silent Bob, or are you just gonna do us both? If so, I'm first. I hate sloppy seconds.
Bethany: You're a man of principle.
Metatron: Tell a person that you're the Metatron and they stare at you blankly. Mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everybody is a theology scholar.
Bethany: You knew Jesus?
Rufus: Knew him? Shit... Nigga owes me twelve bucks!
Loki: Never let it be said that your anal-retentive attention to detail never yielded positive results.
Bartleby: You can't be anal-retentive if you don't have an anus.
Loki: Outstanding work.
Bethany and Rufus find Jay and Silent Bob at a strip club
Bethany: What are you doing?
Jay: Proving to this bastard I ain't gay.
Rufus: Long story, forget it.
about Azrael's neutrality in the Holy Conflict
Jay: What are you, some kind of fucking chicken?
Azrael: No, I was an ARTIST, STUPID! I WAS INSPIRATION! A muse has no place in battle!
Serendipity: So after the fallen were banished to hell, God turned on those who wouldn't fight, and Azrael was sent down with the demons. mockingly Something he considers a GRAVE injustice!
Azrael: Ah, come on! Don't tell me you NEVER questioned the judgement, Serendipity.
Serendipity: No. It never bothered me. So you were an artist! Big deal! Elvis was an artist. But that didn't stop him from joining the service in time of war. And that's why he's The King, and you're a schmuck.
Standing beside Bethany's car, its engine burned out
Jay: Like I ever drove before...
Rufus: You are the great great great GREAT great grand-niece of Jesus Christ.
Jay: So that would make Bethany... part black?
Bethany: I don't want this, it's too big.
Metatron: That's what Jesus said. Yes, I had to tell him. And you can imagine how that hurt the Father - not to be able to tell the Son Himself because one word from His lips would destroy the boy's frail human form? So I was forced to deliver the news to a scared child who wanted nothing more than to play with other children. I had to tell this little boy that He was God's only Son, and that it meant a life of persecution and eventual crucifixion at the hands of the very people He came to enlighten and redeem. He begged me to take it back, as if I could. He begged me to make it all not true. And I'll let you in on something, Bethany, this is something I've never told anyone before... If I had the power, I would have.
Liz: He said that faith is like a glass of water. When you're young, the glass is small, and it's easy to fill up. But the older you get, the bigger the glass gets, and the same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore. Periodically, the glass has to be refilled.
Bethany: You're suggesting I need to get filled?
Liz: In more ways than one. You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane. You need a man, if only for ten minutes.
Bethany: It's been my experience that the average male is never a man. Not even for ten minutes in his entire lifespan.
Liz: That’s a bit militant. You thinking of joining the other side?
Bethany: Couldn't do it. Women are insane.
Liz: Then YOU need to go back to church and ask God for a third option.
Bethany: I think that God is dead.
Liz: The sign of a true Catholic.
Bartleby: while Loki is laying waste to the Mooby board room, Bartelby is sitting in the lounge reading "Mooby Magazine" I cant believe we forgot about the magazine.
Loki: to the female Mooby employee after shooting the board members Gum? Oh these guys, these men were evil. You're a pure soul. You have nothing to worry about. holds his gun up But you did not say "God bless you" when I sneezed.
Bartleby: yelling off camera LOKI!
Loki: You're getting off light!
Jay: after he and Silent Bob join a gang and the Golgothan poop monster is heading towards them Smoke that motherfucker like it aint no thang!
Serendipity: Bethany, you of anyone should know that tits dont make a woman. As you can tell, I lack definition.
Jay: off the screen Hey! They're getting a free show! Let me see that shit!
Angels have no genitalia
Metatron: See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll.
Metatron: Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion when some yahoo claims God has spoken to them, they're speaking to me. Or they're talking to themselves.
Metatron: So once he's done with the firstborn, Loki takes his friend Bartleby out for a post-slaughter drink. And over many rounds, they get into this discussion about whether or not murder in the name of God is okay. Now, Bartleby can run circles around Loki intellectually, not to mention that Loki's already half in the bag. And in the end, Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his position and take a lesser one that doesn't involve slaughter. So - very inebriated - Loki tells God he quits, throws down his fiery sword, and gives Him the finger. Which ruins it for the rest of us, because from that day forward, God decreed that all angels could no longer imbibe alcohol. Hence all the spitting.
Bethany: Were they sent to Hell?
Metatron: Worse. Wisconsin. For the entire span of human history.
Bethany: I don't know what to say... or think... except...
Jay: T hat you offer us sex as a reward.
Jay: All right, but let's say we're caught in a situation where we've got like five minutes to live, like a bomb or something is gonna go off. Would you fuck us then?
Bethany: In that highly unlikely situation? Yeah, sure.
Jay: She's a slut. Bunnnng.
Loki: I can spot a commandment-breaker a mile away.
Jay: She's fucking pissed, dude. She'll never fuck us now. Well, maybe you, but definitely not me. Let me know how she is.
Bethany: NOBODY IS FUCKING ME! YOU GOT THAT!
Jay: Guys like us just don't fall out of the fucking sky, you know. Rufus falls out of the sky Beautiful, naked, big-titted women just don't fall out of the sky, you know.
Rufus: Hey! What I just did gave me a fucking migraine! So if you don't pipe down, I'm going to yank your sack off like a paper towel.
Rufus: White folks only want to hear the good shit: life eternal, a place in God's Heaven. But as soon as they hear they're getting this good shit from a black Jesus, they freak. And that, my friends, is called hypocrisy. A black man can steal your stereo, but he can't be your Savior.
Rufus: In the three years I followed His ass around Jerusalem, did I ever get laid? Hell no. And I was in my prime. I could've been knee-deep in shepherd's daughters, not to mention fine-ass Mary Magdalene. She had a thing for dark meat, if you follow me.
Loki: Do you know what makes a human being decent? Fear. And therein lies the problem. None of you has anything left to fear anymore. You rest comfortably in seats of inscrutable power, hiding behind your false idol, far from judgment, lives shrouded in secrecy even from one another. But not from God.
Serendipity: I'm responsible for nineteen of the twenty top-grossing films of all time.
Serendipity: Yeah, the one about the kid, by himself in his house, burglars trying to get in and he fights them off? I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of shit.
Serendipity: Read the Bible again sometime. Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined. It stinks.
Bartleby: Your hard-on for smiting has prevented us from negotiating what should be the relatively simple matter of catching or staying on a bus.
Rufus: He likes to listen to people talk. Says it sounds like music to Him. Christ loved to sit around the fire and listen to me and the other guys. Whenever we were going on about unimportant shit, He always had a smile on His face.
Bethany: You're saying that having beliefs is a bad thing?
Rufus: I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier.
Rufus: The Man loved being human. Probably why He was so good at it.
Bartleby: The humans have besmirched everything bestowed on them. They were given Paradise, they threw it away. They were given this planet, they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors, and some of them don't even believe He exists. And in spite of it all, He's shown them infinite fucking patience at every turn. What about us? I asked you... once to lay down the sword because I felt sorry for them. What was the result? Our expulsion from Paradise. WHERE WAS HIS INFINITE FUCKING PATIENCE THEN? IT'S NOT RIGHT, IT'S NOT FAIR. We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time? Don't you think its time we went home? and to do that, I think we have to dispatch of our would-be dispatchers.
Bethany: Jesus didn't have any brothers or sisters. Mary was a virgin.
Rufus: Mary gave birth to CHRIST without having known a man's touch, that's true. But she did have a husband. And do you really think he'd have stayed married to her all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin Mary, those are leaps of faith. But to believe a married couple never got down? Well, that's just plain gullibility.
Metatron: You are Bethany Sloane. Nobody can take that away from you, not even God.
Metatron: You know those constitutionals He likes to take?
Rufus: I think we're beyond euphemisms at this point: God's a Skee-Ball fanatic.
Rufus: So what do we do now?
Metatron: Well, I say we get drunk, because I'm all out of ideas.
Metatron: Good Lord, the little stoner's got a point.
Cardinal Glick: Fill them pews, people, that's the key. Grab the little ones as well. Hook 'em while they're young.
Rufus: Kind of like the tobacco industry?
Cardinal Glick: Christ, if only we had their numbers.
Rufus: We were sent by Him who is called I Am!
Cardinal Glick: Cute. Really cute. Now come on, kids, playtime with the Cardinal is over.
Rufus: Worked for Moses.
Rufus: I'm telling you, man, this ceremony is a big mistake.
Cardinal Glick: The Catholic Church does not make mistakes.
Rufus: Please. What about the Church's silent consent to the slave trade?
Bethany: And its platform of noninvolvement during the Holocaust?
Cardinal Glick: All right, mistakes were made.
Serendipity: How? That's the only thing I couldn't figure out.
Azrael: Oh no, I've seen way too many Bond movies to know that you never reveal all the details of your plan, no matter how close you may think you are to winning.
Bartleby and Loki slaughter parishioners outside a church
Loki: You're looking at eons of repression getting purged. If only they'd let us jerk off.
Azrael: Now if I remember my protocol correctly, the powers will attempt to contact the Last Scion - which leaves us no other recourse than to eliminate her before she enters the fray. I need you three to shuffle her loose the mortal coil, so that we may obtain our final glory. Are we all on the same page?
Silent Bob kills Azrael with Cardinal Glick's golf club
Bethany: Glick's the kind of asshole that would bless his own clubs for a better game.
Bethany: Stall Bartleby from going into that church.
Jay: How the hell am I supposed to do that?
Bethany: Think of something.
Jay: I already did, but it takes two of us.
after meeting God
Jay: You want to hear something sick? I got half a stock when she kissed me.
Azrael: Quit killing people, that's high profile.
Loki: Oh, lighten up.
Azrael: No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater... than central air.
Bethany: What are you?
Metatron: I'm pissed off is what I am! Do you go around drenching everyone who comes into your room with flame-retardant chemicals? No wonder you're single.
Rufus: Jesus wasn't white, Jesus was black.
Bethany: Well then why did he get written about and you didn't?
Rufus: Well, he IS the son of God. Kinda hard to have a New Testament without him. So you fudge a few facts, put a spin on his ethnicity. Leavin' me out's okay because you still got twelve white boys to choose from.
Jay: Are you buying any of this shit?
Jay: So do you do anal? Is it true that chicks fart if you blast 'em in the ass?
Jay: to the Stygian triplets Go back to your paper routes, you Mighty Duck fucks.
Rufus: to Bethany The man was right about you. And I am going to go home and tell him so. to Jay And Silent Bob And if you clean up your language, I JUST might put in a good word for you too.
Silent Bob: Thanks.
Bethany meets Serendipity
Bethany: Let me guess. The 14th Apostle, left out of the Bible because she's a woman?
Rufus: This girl's no woman. to Serendipity No offense.
Bethany: Oh, so those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to?
Serendipity: hugs her breasts What, these? You should know better than anybody at this table that tits don't make the woman.
Rufus: Hell, the tubby coat-wearin' motherfucker's got tits, that damn sure doesn't make him a woman.
Bartleby: Quit leering at me. People are gonna think I just broke up with you.
Jay: I didn't come in you, Pete, I swear.
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, the driving force behind Catholicism, wow, Cardinal Glick.
Cardinal Glick: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Now we all know how the majority and the media in this country view the Catholic church. They think of us as a passe, archaic institution. People find the Bible obtuse... even hokey. Now in an effort to disprove all that the church has appointed this year as a time of renewal... both of faith and of style. For example, the crucifix. While it has been a time honored symbol of our faith, Holy Mother Church has decided to retire this highly recognizable, yet wholly depressing image of our Lord crucified. Christ didn't come to Earth to give us the willies... He came to help us out. He was a booster. And it is with that take on our Lord in mind that we've come up with a new, more inspiring sigil. So it is with great pleasure that I present you with the first of many revamps the "Catholicism WOW. " campaign will unveil over the next year. I give you... The Buddy Christ. Now that's not the sanctioned term we're using for the symbol, just something we've been kicking around the office, but look at it. Doesn't it... pop? Buddy Christ...
Bartleby: Hello, we'd like two tickets to New Jersey, please.
Bus Station Attendant: Jersey's sold out, sir.
Bus Station Attendant: There's one at the same time tomorrow. I suggest you not underestimate the staggering drawing power of the Garden State, and show up two hours in advance.
Jay: You know, I hear pregnant women can have sex until their third trimester.
Bethany: I'll keep that in mind
about the protesters outside the Abortion Clinic
Liz: You're Catholic, can't you talk to them?
Bethany: They hate me more than you. At least you have an excuse, you're Jewish, you don't know any better.
Liz: I don't think they'd accept that one, we used that one already when we killed Christ.
Nun: I never thought of it that way... what am I doing with my life... what am I...?
Loki: I know, I know. You should take all this money that you've been collecting for your parish and go out and buy yourself a nice dress.
Rufus: Very basic strategy. If your enemies know where you are, then don't be there.
Jay: No wonder he saw Jesus. Homey's rockin' the ganj.
Jay: Oh, I'm Jay, and this is my hetero-lifemate Silent Bob. I don't know who those kids were, but they would've kicked yours and Lunchbox's asses if I hadn't represented.
Bartleby: You are responsible for raising an icon which draws worship from the Lord. You have broken the first commandment. Not only that, I'm afraid not a one of you passes for a decent human being. Your continued existence is a mockery of morality. Like you, Mr. Burton. Last year cheated on your wife of 17 years 8 times. You even had sex with her best friend while you were supposed to be home watching the kids.
Loki: In the bed that you and your wife share, no less.
Bartleby: Mr. Newman - you got your girlfriend drunk at last year's Christmas party and then paid a kid from the mail room to have sex with her while she was passed out, just so you could break up with her guilt-free when she sobbingly confessed in the morning. She killed herself two months later. Mr. Brace disowned his gay son. Very compassionate, Mr. Brace. Mr. Ray put his mother in a third-rate nursing home and then used the profits from the sale of her home to buy an oriental rug for himself. Heavens. Mr. Barker flew to Thailand on the company account to have sex with an eleven year old boy. Mr. Holtzman okayed the production of Mooby Dolls from materials he knew to be toxic and unsafe, because it was - survey says? - less costly. sees the female board member You, on the other hand, are an innocent. You lead a good life. Good for you. But you, Mr. Whitland, you have more skeletons in your closet than the rest of this assembled party. I cannot even mention them aloud. whispers something in Whitland's ear
Loki: You're his father, you sick fuck.
Whitland starts crying
after Rufus has fallen from the sky
Bethany: Speaking of which, you're awfully nude. Rufus, is it?
Rufus: Yes, Rufus it is. It's usually 'Long Rufus' but it's a little cold out here, ya know?
Liz gets out of her car and heads into Women's Clinic; picketers greet her
Steve-Dave: You're gonna burn in hell, ya fuckin' baby killer.
Walter: Yeah, tell her, Steve-Dave.
Liz: Holy shit, it's The Pope.
Bethany: Why are we here?
God: pokes Bethany's nose Nweep.
Hospital P. A.: I repeat, this is not a drill. This is the apocalypse. Please exit the hospital in an orderly fashion. Thank you.
Rufus: Are we too late?
Serendipity: To save these poor schmucks?... Yeah.
Jay: I fell in love wit chew. We fell in love wit chew.
Bartleby: I'm going to have to start off by apologizing for my friend, he has a penchant for the dramatic.
Azrael: Ever the fucking apple polisher!
Jay: Hey Big Bird? Wanna play the Counting Game? Count the shells Sucker Duck! proceeds to shoot off Bartelby's wings with an Uzi
Loki: Do you know about voodoo? No constitution of faith, more an arrangement of superstitions.
Bethany: So you... what? Inspire people?
Serendipity: What just went down with your friends over there? It doesn't really take a Muse to inspire horny retards to empty their wallets.
Loki: I forgot my little voodoo doll. looks at Whitland Wow. It really does look just like you. Maybe, if I believed enough... pauses, then crushes voodoo doll of Whitland, who is terrified but unharmed, laughs I don't believe in voodoo. leaves, re-enters with a gun But I do believe in this. shoots Whitland
Bethany: But you'll be destroyed too.
Azrael: Human, have you ever been to hell? I'd rather not exist than endure that expirence a secound longer, and if I have to drag down everyone else with me... so be it.
Bethany: So this is all about revenge.
Azrael: After the first couple of million years, no. My only goal was escape, but suprise suprise demons can't get into heaven... but angels can.
Bethany: Well, I am the last Scion.
Metatron: Actually, you WERE the last Scion. Now this puts his hand on Bethany's stomach is the last Scion.
Bethany: You mean, I'm pregnant?
Jay: Maybe he's got a message on him like in CON AIR
Rufus: AWWWW man did that movie suck
Jay: hiding behind silent Bob Kill it kill it
Rufus: Con Air Con Shit
Jay: Yo lunchbox, hurry it up.
Sissy: Y'know, I don't get you, Justice. You used to be into all this girl stuff. Stealing, boning, blowing shit up, and now you're like this little priss with a conscience. It's really a fucking drag.
Jay: I am the master of the C.L.I.T. Remember this fucking face. Whenever you see C.L.I.T., you'll see this fucking face. I make that shit work. It does whatever the fuck I tell it to. No one rules the C.L.I.T like me. Not this little fuck referring to Silent Bob none of you little fucks out there. I AM THE C.L.I.T. COMMANDER! Remember that, commander of all C.L.I.T.s! When it comes down to business, this is what I do. I pinch it like this. OOH you little fuck. Then I rub my nose with it.
Holden: If the buzz is any indicator, that movie's gonna make some huge bank.
Jay: What buzz?
Holden: The Internet buzz.
Jay: What the fuck is the Internet?
Holden: The Internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another.
Banky: Stop the movie? What are you, crazy?
Jay: All these assholes on the internet are calling us names because of this stupid fucking movie.
Banky: That's what the internet is for. Slandering others anonymously. Stopping the flick isn't gonna stop that.
Jay: This isn't fair. We came to Hollywood, I fell in love. Fuckin', we got shot at, we stole a monkey, and I got punched in the motherfucking nuts by a guy named Cock-Knocker.
Banky: You know what? I feel for you boys, I really do, but Miramax - you know, Miramax Films - paid me a shitload of money for Bluntman and Chronic. So it occurs to me that people badmouthing you on some website, is NONE OF MY FUCKING CONCERN.
Silent Bob: Oh, but I think it is... We had a deal with you, on the comics remember, for likeness rights, and as we're not only the artistic basis, but also obviously the character basis, for your intellectual property, Bluntman and Chronic. When said property was optioned by Miramax Films, you were legally obliged to secure our permission to transfer the concept to another medium. As you failed to do that, Banky, you are in breach of the original contract, ergo you find yourself in a very actionable position.
Tricia: on "Bluntman and Chronic: The Movie" Well! That was just another paean to male adolescence and it's refusal to grow up.
Alyssa: Yeah, sis. But it was better than "Mallrats". At least Holden had the good sense to leave his name off of it.
Tricia: Why didn't Miramax option his other comic instead. You know, the one about you and him and your "relationship"?
Alyssa: Oh, "Chasing Amy"? That would never work as a movie.
Jay: Do they say who's fuckin' playing us in the movie?
Holden: No, but it's Miramax. So I'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. They put those guys in a bunch of movies. Jay: Who?
Holden: You know, those kids from Good Will Hunting?
Jay: You mean that fuckin' movie with Mork from Ork in it?
Holden: Yeah, I wasn't a big fan either... but Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms".
Jay: Word, bitch, Phantoms like a mallfucker.
Chaka's Production Assistant: after asked to get a new clean latte Here's your coffee sir, booger-free.
Chaka: slaps it out his hands Get that shit the fuck out of here.
Ben Affleck: ready to act but haven't heard "Action" So? Action, Gus or what?
Gus Van Sant: Christ, Ben, I said I'm busy.
Whillenholly: It may not be my way, but damn if there doesn't go one happy family. All right, gang, let's just shoot some tear gas into the diner, and then when the guys come out with the monkey, we'll... Fuckbeans. That was them, wasn't it?
Jay: the monkey has been put into a car Man, who the fuck steals monkeys?
Silent Bob: Points to Jay and himself
Jay: Oh yeah...
Jay: after trying to figure out what Silent Bob is trying to tell him Well, come on! SAY IT already!
Silent Bob: THE SIGN! ON THE BACK OF THE CAR! IT SAID "CRITTERS OF HOLLYWOOD", YOU DUMB FUCK!
Jay: In a world gone mad, we will not spank the monkey, but the monkey will spank us.
Reg: And we do want to say to the people at home, the clit is not something to be played with.
Brodie: Oh my God. Don't tell me you have no idea there's a movie being made of the comic you two were the basis for.
Jay: What? Since when?
Brodie: See, here's the pulse. And this is your finger, far away from the pulse, jammed straight up your ass. Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?
typing a message on an internet chat room
Jay: All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who are making that movie, we're gonna make 'em eat our shit, then shit out our shit, then eat their shit which is made up of our shit that we made 'em eat. Then you're all you motherfucks are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob.
Jay: Ladies, Ladies, Ladies, Jay and Silent Bob are in the hizzouse!
Jay: Zoinks, yo!
Jay: I hope one rips the other one's shirt off and we see some fuckin titties floppin around, yeah!
Justice: Hi, I'm Justice.
Jay: And I'm so fucking yours. Justice is almost repulsed when Jay makes a quick save Oh, Hi, I'm Jay and this is my hetero-life-mate, Silent Bob.
Justice: It's nice to meet you.
Jay: Justice, that's a nice name... aside Jay and Justice sitting in a tree, f-u-c-k-i-n-g...
Justice and Sissy are engaged in a fist-fight
Sissy: Your shit is really getting tired, Justice.
Justice: Call me 'Boo-Boo-Kitty-Fuck', bitch.
Jay: Hey. Get the fuck off her. That's my ex-girlfriend's monkey.
Willenholly: Put the monkey down, and your hands up. Let's go, misters. Do you want to get shot? I didn't think so.
Jay: Look, man. She doesn't want to go back to the lab. And for the record, I ain't gay.
Willenholly: And for the record, while we're one the subject, I knew that wasn't a real little boy.
Jay: And for one more record, he loves the cock.
Missy: Oh my god, he just called Sissy 'Juggs'.
Chrissy: I'm on it. pulls out knife
Jay: What's with the knife, we havin' cake or something?
Chrissy: Great, he's retarded to boot.
Jay: to Silent Bob Dude, she called you retarded.
Jay: Holy fuck, is that monkey waving at us? Oh, shit, It understood us! Maybe it's some kind of supermonkey. What if there's more supermonkeys up at that lab? shouts What if they're creating an army of them? Holy shit. It must be a conspiracy like in the X-Files... *Roswell* style! This little monkey could be the fuckin' damn dirty ape responsible for the fall of the human race. In this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey- the monkey will spank us. And after the fall of man, these monkey fucks'll start wearing our clothes and rebuilding the world in their image. Oh and only those as super smart as me will be left alive to bitterly cry - *you maniacs*! Damn yous! Goddamn yous all to hell!
Sniffing out white people
Cock-Knocker: has gotten his hand chopped offNot again.
several security guards, led by Gordon, have suddenly rushed onto the set of Good Will Hunting 2: Hunting Season
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Sorry to interrupt sirs, but we've got a 10-07 on our hands.
Matt Damon: exasperated Oh Jesus, again Ben?
Ben Affleck: cocky No, bullshit, because I wasn't WITH a hooker today, ha-HA!
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: There they are!
Jay: Affleck, you the bomb in "Phantoms", yo!
Miramax Security Guard Gordon: Echo Base, I've got a 10-07: two unauthorized on the lot, requesting backup.
Echo Base: over Gordon's walkie talkie I thought that was a 10-82.
Miramax Security Guard Gordon: No sir, a 10-82 is disappearing a dead hooker from Ben Affleck's trailer.
Echo Base: slightly amused Oh, that Affleck! Backup on the way...
Whillenholly: I don't get out to the movies that much, but "Bluntman and Chronic" was blunt-tastic.
regarding the Bluntman and Chronic movie
Randal: That was definitely worse than "Clash of the Titans."
Dante: I can't believe Judi Dench played me.
Randal: Remind me to renew that restraining order.
Randal: Because I'm going to blast that flick on the internet tonight.
Customer at Quick Stop: Are you even supposed to be here today?
Dante: Don't get me started.
Reading a message off the Internet
Holden: Fuck Jay and Silent Bob. Fuck them up their stupid asses.
Holden: Why in God's name would I wanna keep writing about characters whose central preoccupation are weed and dick and fart jokes? I mean, ya gotta grow man. Don't you ever want anything more for yourself? I know this poor hapless son of a bitch does. I look into his sorry doe eyes and I just, I see a man crying out. He's crying out, "When Lord? When the fuck can your servant ditch this foul-mouthed little chucklehead to whom I am a constant victim of his folly, so much so that it prevents him from ever getting to kiss a girl! Fuck! When, Lord when? WHENS GONNA BE MY TIME?"
Chaka's Production Assistant: You the man.
Chaka: No, you the man, and that's the problem.
Justice: Wait for me.
Jay: What, here?
Devil Jay: appears out of nowhere Mua-ha-ha-ha! Man, what the fuck are you waiting for? She went for the set up. Reach in your pants and pull your cock out, bitch! Girls like that kinda shit.
Devil Jay 2: appears out of nowhere Mua-ha-ha-ha! Right about here is where the angel's supposed to show up and tell you NOT to pull your dick out, but we bitch-slapped that motherfucker and send him packing, so it's smooth sailing. Let it rip boy... Both devils disappear
Angel Jay: with a black eye, appears out of nowhere and singing Jesus loves the little children... Stops singing Oh sorry I'm late. So what's the deal here? looks down at Jay's erection Oh shit! Don't tell me your thinking of whipping your dick at that fine piece of woman, are you? Jay nods. Angel slaps Jay with his harp Tell you what... Look over at Silent Bob and see if he thinks that a good idea to whip your dick out. Jay looks at Silent Bob with a questioning look. Silent Bob shakes his head That's it boy, put the dick down. You gotta go from the heart, yo. No little perv-bullshit's gonna work for this one. Be smooth. Be Don Juan de la Nooch. Now I gotta beat the shit out of those punch-sucker little bitches. Remember: Don't pull your dick out 'till she ask, or until she's sleeping. BOOOONG... disappears
Jay: tries to talk his way out of a drug bust What? I've got a wiping problem. I just stick those little pieces up my brown-eye and bam! I get no stains in my undies. What you don't believe me? Check this shit out. Spread my cheeks, so he can see the fucking stink nuggets!
Hooker #1: Hey, little man! You want some of this?
Hooker #2: How 'bout you, big boy?
Hooker #1: You got 50 bucks, we can get NASTY.
Jay: Oh, yeah? How nasty?
Hooker #2: As nasty as you want to be, papi.
Jay: Oh, all right. Well, first, I want you to tongue my bung, while you juggle my balls in one hand, and play with my asshole with the other, but don't stick you're finger in. Then I want to pinky you while I stick in your fuckin' friend's brown, while Silent Bob watches, and fuckin' spanks it in a Dixie cup. After that, I want to smell your titties for a while, and you can pull my nutsack up over my dick so it looks like a bullfrog. Then I want you to fuckin' flick my nuts while your friend spanks me off in the same Dixie cup that Silent Bob jizzed in. Then, we throw the Dixie cup out.
Hooker #1: Oh, that's it, honey! I quit! This job just passed the point of no return!
both hookers leave
Jay: What? You said "nasty"! to Silent Bob Man, chicks in Hollywood are so stuck-up.
Jay: Dude, I think I just filled the cup
Chaka: Another white boy in this movie? Damn.
Jay: Don't you never say an unkind word about the Time. Me and Silent Bob modeled our whole fucking lives around Morris Day and Jerome. I'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy. And Tubby here is my black man servant. What.
Jay: Hey, wait a second! Aren't you the guy who fucked the pie!
Jason Biggs: You see! It's never "Hey! You're that guy from Loser" or "Hey you rocked in Boys and Girls." No, it always comes back to that fucking pie! I'm HAUNTED by it!
James Van Der Beek: You put your dick in a pie!
Chaka: This movie is gonna make House Party look like House Party 2.
Chaka's Production Assistant: Or House Party 3!
Chaka: Shut the fuck up.
Chaka: Crazy crackers with guns. Its time I get my black ass out of here.
Teen #1: Jay says you guys had a Star Wars themed wedding, and you tied the knot dressed as Storm Troopers.
Teen #2: Yeah, and he says you're the bitch and you're the butch.
Dante: I'm the BITCH?
Randal: Well, if we were gay, that's certainly the way I'd see it.
Dante: Will you shut up!
Teen #1: to Teen #2 Holy shit, dude. The honeymoon's over.
Cock-Knocker: Don't fuck with the Jedi Master, son.
Jay: singing Fuck, fuck, fuck,
Mother, mother fuck,
Mother, mother fuck, fuck
Mother fuck, mother fuck,
Noich noich noich,
1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4,
Noich, noich noich
Smokin' weed, smokin' wizz,
Doin' coke, drinkin' beers,
Drinkin' beers, beers, beers,
Rollin' fattys, smokin' blunts,
Who smokes the blunts?
We smoke the blunts.
Rollin' blunts and smokin'...
Teen #2: Uh, let me get a nickel bag.
Jay: singing Fifteen bucks, little man,
Put that shit in my hand,
If that money doesn't show,
Then you owe me, owe me, owe
My jungle love, yeah,
Owe-ee, owe-ee, owe,
I think I want to know ya, know ya,
Teen #1: What the hell are you singing?
Jay: You don't know "Jungle Love?" That shit is the mad notes. Written by God herself and sent down to the greatest band in the world: The mother-fucking Time.
Teen #2: You mean the guys in that Prince movie?
Silent Bob points to the two teens
Teen #1: Yeah, Purple Rain.
Teen #2: Man, that shit was so gay - fucking eighties style.
James Van Der Beek and Jason Biggs are being arrested by mistake
James Van Der Beek: You've got the wrong guys! Doesn't anyone watch the WB?
Jason Biggs: I'm a teen idol, dammit! Don't you recognize me? Look at me. I'm the pie fucker.
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: to his buddies Yeah, well. In prison, he'll be the pie.
Jay: Miramax? I thought they only did classy pictures, like "The Piano" and "The Crying Game".
Brodie: Yeah, but then they made "She's All That" and it went downhill from there.
Jay: Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?
the Scooby gang are arguing amongst themselves
Jay: Yo. You guys need to turn those frowns upside down. And I got just the thing for that. pulls out a bag of rolled up joints We call them Doobie Snax.
Jason Biggs: No. I, I love gay people.
James Van Der Beek: Yeah, I'll bet you do.
Jason Biggs: No, I'm fine with gay... Jason Biggs notices the orangutan Oh, look at the monkey.
James Van Der Beek: Now you're gonna tell me the monkey's gay.
Jason Biggs: Well, how do you know he doesn't smoke monkey pole?
Jay: What's twistin' this bitches tit?
Justice: Maybe it's because girls don't like to be called bitches, Jay.
Jay: They don't? How 'bout fine piece of ass?
Justice: How 'bout not.
Jay: Then what the fuck am I supposed to call you?
Justice: Something sweet, ya big goof. Something nice.
Jay: Boo boo kitty fuck?
Justice: That's... a start.
Jay and Silent Bob are hitchhiking on a road late at night
Jay: I can't belive this shit. Five hours and not a single ride. Every day people hitch to Hollywood to stop studios from making films about 'em, but when you and me try it, it's like we're trapped in a fuckin' cartoon.
the Mystery Machine van from the Scooby Doo cartoons pulls up alongside Jay and Silent Bob
Jay: It's a Miramax flick. We gotta bust up some people who were calling us names on the internet, even thought they're not really talking about us but characters based on us, and at the same time find my ex-girlfriend-who-was-killed-by-a-car-explosion's monkey.
Pumpkin Escobar: Man... I don't know what the FUCK you just said, Little Kid, but you're special man, you reached out, and you touch a brother's heart.
Jay: after tossing Brent out of the van Now who's stupid, you dirty sheep fucker?
Brent: I would *never* fuck a sheep! sees a sheep in a nearby field Hey there. How you doing? reaches for a condom I *love* animals. goes for the sheep
Jay: Hey, lawdog.
Willenholly: realizes Jay & Silent Bob didn't jump Aww, Fuck Meeeee!.
Jay: See you in hell, cocksmoker!
Silent Bob's Mother: Bobby Boy, stay here while mommy picks up the free cheese, kay? Here, this will keep the sun out of your eyes. puts a baseball cap on his head backwards You be good, now. walks in store, then Jay and his Mom arrive
Jay's Mother: Alright, don't you fuckin' move you little shit machine. Your Momma's going to try to score.
Passerby: What the hell? 'Scuse me. Who's watchin these babies?
Jay's Mother: Uh - the fat one's watchin the little one?
Passerby: Oh yeah, nice parenting. Leave 'em out here like that and see what happens.
Jay's Mother: YO, FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING SQUARE!
Jay: clears throat And I'll be, like, "What, you don't know fuckin' Jay and Silent Bob? The fuckin' mack daddys of fuckin' Jersey?" And she'll be, like, "Oh, I've read on the Internet that youse guys are a couple of little emphatically to Silent Bob fuckholes!"
Brent: What's your damage, little boy? You've got a sick and twisted world perspective
Jay: So your in this for the pussy right?
Brent: No, I'm in this because I LOOOVE animals, stupid?
Jay: Even Sheep?
Brent: Of course. Sheep are beautiful creatures.
Jay: So would you fuck a sheep?
Brent: What is your damage, little boy. You have a sick and twisted world perspective.
Jay: No, you're misunderstanding me, Prince Valiant. I'm saying if you were a sheep, would you fuck a sheep, if you were another sheep?
Brent: Well, in that case, you bet your sweet ass I would.
Jay: Thought so. Yelling Yo, this motherfucker ain't one of us. He said he'd fuck a sheep!
Brent: No! No! No!
Jay: Throws Brent out the door of the van, flips him off as he's looking out the door as they're still driving WHO'S STUPID NOW, DIRTY SHEEP FUCKER!
Chaka: Do you know that I came up with the idea for Sesame Street? I came up with it before PBS. The white man stole it. That's right. I was gonna call it "N.W.P." - Niggaz With Puppets. Catchy, ain't it?
Willenholly: Oh my God. I'm paralyzed! That monkey shot me in the ass and paralyzed me! Oh sweet irony!
Justice: You're not paralyzed. It was just a tranquilizer.
Jay: Yo baby, you ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat?
after the "Bluntman & Chronic" premiere
Banky: God, I'm so embarrassed.
Hooper: You should be. They took your intellectual property and turned it into one 90-minute long gay joke. It was like watching "Batman & Robin" all over again.
Willenholly and the Utah police confront Jay and Silent Bob
Sheriff: Are you fucking crazy? Now they may be gay, but that's not their son. That's the ape.
Whillenholly: I think I would recognize an ape if I saw one, okay? And the only thing I do recognize right now is the political fiasco I'm about to avoid here by letting this butt-fucking Brady Bunch go
Jay: Die, you super-monkey fuck.
the C.L.I.T. is being discussed on TV
Holden: Nights like this... I miss dating a lesbian.
Whillenholly: We don't want to rub the C.L.I.T. the wrong way.
on his cell phone
Whillenholly: Plaschke, this is Willenholly. I need you to get me on the national news, pronto. Why? Because we may very well be dealing with the two most dangerous men on the planet.
Jay: Just call me Darth Balls... Bong.
Whillenholly: Remember, folks... stimulation of the C.L.I.T is not recommended.
Jay: So, you think I could get a little kiss for good luck? Justice kisses him passionately Think I could get a little blow job for good luck?
Justice: No. Go.
Jay: Fuck. Silent Bob tries to get a good luck of his own Get off my Kool-Aid motherfucka!
Justice: They didn't really steal the monkey. It was just a diversion so we could steal these. showing a bag of stolen diamonds And they're not the leaders of the C.L.I.T. The C.L.I.T is not real.
Whillenholly: No the clit is real. Its the female orgasm that's the myth.
trying to compose a bad protest song
Brent: Hey Mr. Science Guy... don't spray that aerosol in my eye... for... for I... I don't really wanna die. I'm a noble rabbit...
Sheriff: The hell with this. Let's go back to the station house, and cornhole us a drunk.
to a customer at his comic shop, bending a comic's spine
Brodie: It is a comic book, not your dick! Show some respect. Hold it like you'd hold a woman.
Holden: Well, look at these morose motherfuckers right here. Looks like somebody shit in their cereal... Bong.
Jay: after pulling a very long pube out of his teeth Eew, man, she had '70s bush. Damn second rule in that book should be: "Trim that shit".
Whillenholly: Fire a warning shot into his bulbous ass.
Sheriff: One rectal breach comin' up.
Banky: Your friend's a fucking clown shoe, you know that?
Silent Bob: You know, after about five movies, I'm starting to realize that.
Whillenholly: Sorry, Justice. We've gotta go. to Jay : Hey, stop stealing monkeys.
Jay: Fuck you.
Whillenholly: Fair enough.
Assistant Director (GWH 2): Okay, you two. Just stand there, and react. Don't say anything! Points to Silent Bob Especially you.
Jay: to Silent Bob That's pretty funny.
Chaka: Do you think "Fat Albert" had an inker? No, Bill Cosby did the whole thing with a roller and it was EXCELLENT.
Silent Bob gets stuck in an open sewer pipe
Jay: Just like Winnie the Pooh.
Justice: If I go to prison will you wait for me?
Jay: Hmm, I don't know. Will you fuck me when you get out? Justice kisses him passionately Don't change the subject. Will you fuck me when you get out?
Justice: Snoogans. Goes back to kissing Jay
Banky: Uh, Chaka? Hi, I'm Banky Edwards, the creator of "Bluntman and Chronic." We met a few weeks back, I'm the executive producer.
Chaka: Oh, you're the executive producer. Well, why don't you executive produce me a latte - De-Crackinate it. Okay, Fucky? Banky: Actually, it's Banky.
Chaka: No, it is Fucky.
Walt and Steve-Dave leave the premiere of Bluntman & Chronic
Steve-Dave: Why can't Hollywood make a decent comic book movie?
Walt: Tell 'em Steve-Dave.
Steve-Dave: Would you stop saying that?
Whillenholly: And might I add, that is one fine looking boy you are raising.
Jay: Hell yeah, that's because he's from my sperm. See, I knocked up this hot woman friend of ours that I fuck on the side so as to not be all the way gay, but my tubby husband here is 100% queer. He LOVES the cock.
Whillenholly: The C.L.I.T. is an offshoot of the L.A.B.I.A.
Reg Hartner: Oh, you mean the Liberate Apes Before Imprisoning Apes movement?
Daphne: I think they passed out.
Fred: Great. What do we do with them now?
Shaggy: Let's cut out their kidneys and sell them to the black market and leave them in a seedy motel bathtub full of ice.
Jay: Hey, I'll make you a deal - this guy points to Silent Bob will suck your dick off if you let us go.
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Contrary to what you believe, not everyone in Hollywood is a homosexual.
Jay: How about this deal- he'll suck my dick while you watch and jerk off.
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Alright. takes Jay and Silent Bob behind a wall, out of sight Make it fast and sexy.
Jay: to Silent Bob It's either this or jail. And you know what they do to you in jail.
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: I was a guard. Alright, and after it's all over, you say "Ooh, what a lovely tea party".
Matt Damon: Just take it from "It's a good course."
Ben Affleck: Oh, now you're the director.
Matt: Hey shove it, Bounce-boy. Let's remember who talked who into doing this shit in the first place. Talking me into Dogma was one thing, but this...
Ben: Hey look, I'm sorry I dragged you away from whatever-gay-serial-killers-who-ride-horses-and-like-to-play-golf-touchy-feely-picture you're supposed to be doing this week.
Matt: I take it you haven't seen Forces of Nature?
Ben: You're like a child. What've I been telling you? You gotta do the safe picture. Then you can do the art picture. But then sometimes you gotta do the payback picture because your friend says you owe him.
They both take a beat and look at the camera
Ben: And sometimes, you have to go back to the well.
Matt: And sometimes, you do Reindeer Games.
Ben: See, that's just mean.
Randal: See? I told you that restraining order was a good idea.
Banky: Well, you're rich, you're in love to Jay Well, *you're* in love. And you've both got your own monkey. What more could two guys from New Jersey want?
Jay: Well, to have all these fucks stop talking shit about us on the Internet.
Banky: What've I been telling you? There's nothing you can do about it. Unless you show up at all their houses and beat the shit out of them.
Whillenholly: Why are you shooting at me? I'm just a Federal Wildlife Marshall.
Chrissy: Two reasons. One: we're walking, talking, bad girl clichés.
Missy: And two: because you're a man.
Whillenholly: Only on the outside.
Holden: Nothing. The Internet has given everybody in America a voice. For some reason, everybody decides to use that voice to bitch about movies.
Jay: Man, who the fuck steals a monkey? Silent Bob points at the two of them Oh, yeah
Randal: See? If you were funnier than that, ABC wouldn't have cancelled us
Jay: singing I can't believe I'm gonna get some pussy for stealin' the monkey. laughs Stealin' the little monkey. Man, if I woulda known that, I would have been stealin' monkeys since I was like, seven and shit.
Chaka's Production Assistant: Here's your coffee sir.
Chaka: Did you spit in it?
Chaka's Production Assistant: I didn't spit in it sir.
Chaka: Any boogers in it?
Chaka's Production Assistant: There's no boogers in it sir.
Chaka: You went to film school didn't you? Must piss you off to see a black man runnin' a big old production like this, huh? Went to film school. Does your daddy know you give a nigga his coffee? Must kill him, doesn't it!
Chaka's Production Assistant: There's no boogers in it sir.
Chaka: Then taste it. Taste the booger flavor. I know it's in there!
Chaka: I film this shit, I yell cut and then I get the fuck outta here back to my trailer, because I got more white girls in there than the first lifeboat of the Titanic, and they all want a part in my movie, and I got just the part for 'em!
Shannen Doherty: Fucking Miramax! Cut!
Wes Craven: Shannen, I usually say cut.
Shannen: A monkey? Wes? Jesus, you're not even trying anymore are you?
Wes: The Market research says that people love monkeys.
Jay and Silent Bob run in and grab the monkey
Jay: WE LOVE THIS MONKEY! to a crew member Do something.
Jay: So all we's gotta do is stop this fuckin' movie from getting made!
Holden: Yeah, and forego the hundreds of thousands of dollars you would be entitled to in the process. What are you, fucking retarded? I mean, I don't think I'm alone in the world in imagining this flick may be the worst idea since Greedo shooting first. You know it, but... a Jay and Silent Bob movie? Feature length? Who'd pay to see that?
Holden, Jay, and Bob look into the camera
Chaka: Duck, pie fucker! Damn, these white boys can't fight.
James Van Der Beek: about "Dawson's Creek" You actually watch that show?
Jay: Yeah, for Joey, man. She is too fine. Did you ever get to 3rd base with her?
James: Well, actually there was this one time...
Willenholly: while masturbating to donkey / girl porn Oh Yeah! Oh Yeah! You chug that ass cock, baby. You need two hands. Oh, you like that, MULE. Mules are... GOOD!
Hitchhiker: explaining why he gives head for rides Have you seen the price of bus tickets lately. There's no way I'm gonna cough up 200 bucks just to get to Chicago.
Jay: Fuck that, I don't wanna cough up some dude's sperm.
Hitchhiker: Don't be so suburban. It's the new millennium. Gay, straight... it's all the same now. There are no more lines
Jay: You know, maybe one night me and Lunch Box are out we're mackin' some chick and shit, and she's, like, "Ooh, I want to suck youse guys' dicks off," and she's, like, "What your names?" And I'm, like, "Jay and Silent Bob." Reco'nize. And she's like, "Oh, I've read on the Internet that fuckin' youse guys are a couple of little fuckin' jerkoffs." And then she goes and sucks two other guys' dicks off instead. Well, FUCK that.
Steve-Dave: at Brodie's Secret Stash Boy, Walt. This store sure does suck ass, doesn't it?
Walt: Tell him, Steve-Dave.
Brodie: You're both banned.
Steve-Dave: Holy Shit. Un-ban us. This guy'll suck your dick.
Brodie: I'm sure he will.
Walt: Steve-Dave is forcing him onto his knees NO!
believing Jay and Silent Bob to be their stunt doubles
Jason Biggs: You're doubling me, obviously. I play Bluntman, aka Silent Bill.
James Van Der Beek: Bob.
Jason: Right. And he's playing Chronic, aka Ray.
James: Jay. Fuck, Biggs, did you even READ the script?
Jason: There's a script?
James: Listen, Potzer!
Jason: There's a script for this movie?
James: You wouldn't last A DAY on the Creek. A day.
Jason: Fuck you and your Dawson's Crap! Go to hell, Pacey! Go to hell!
James: At least call me by the right fucking character.
Jay: If today is Tuesday and the movie starts filming on Friday, we have... counting his fingers, holds up ten ...eight days.
Holden Uh, three by my count, but close.
Jay: Right. My bad. Three days to stop that fucking movie from getting made. Come on, Silent Bob. We're going to Hollywood!
Willam Black: staring up at the Bluntman and Chronic marquee That's beautiful, man
singing outside the Stop N Go
Jay: I'm gonna finger-bang her tight little asshole
Finger-bang and tea-bag my balls
Where, where, in her mouth
Balls a-plenty in her mouth
Balls Balls Sweaty Balls
Steve: Rumor is Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are working on a super secret project on the lot. Have you seen them roaming around?
Jules: No, Steve. But I did see Casey Affleck buying a soda from a concession stand.
Jay: And I can't believe fine-ass bitches like yourselves eat that shit. Don't you know fast food makes girls fart?
Brent: getting into the van Say, what's all this talk about farting?
Clark: during filming for Good Will Hunting 2 You're just no longer any good, Will Hunting. Now how do *you* like *them apples*?
Ben Affleck: in huddle with Damon I don't like the sound of them apples, Will. What are we gonna do?
Matt Damon: Chucky, it's hunting season.
Will pulls out his shotgun and blows the guy away
Ben : Applesauce. Bitch.
Elias: Elias is wasted I hope that donkey doesn't have a heinie troll!
Randal: You're in the bestiality business.
Sexy Stud: Hey. Fucko. We like to call it inter-species erotica.
Jay: That guy's being awfully forward with that donkey.
Concerned Father: Don't look at his wee-wee.
Randal: That look was so gay, I thought Sam was gonna tell the little Hobbits to go for a walk so he could saunter over to Frodo and suck his fucking cock. Now *that* would have been an Academy Award-worthy ending.
Hobbit Lover: Hey, faggot! They're not gay. They're hobbits.
Elias: Since God created man, and man created the Transformers, the Transformers are like a gift from God, Randal!
Randal: No sir. They are not a gift from God. They are an unholy curse from the beast we call the Desolate One
Randal: And what's with that gay fucking look, I thought Sam was going to saunter over Frodo and suck his fucking cock. Now that would have been an Academy Award worthy ending.
Hobbit Lover: Hey faggot, Sam and Frodo aren't gay! Their hobbits!
Randal: And then after the Frodo and Sam suckfest, just before the credits roll, Sam straight up fucking bricks in Frodo's mouth.
Randal: All right, look, there's only one "Return," okay, and it ain't "of the King," it's "of the Jedi."
Hobbit Lover: Oh, Star Wars geek.
Randal: Oh, I'm the geek? Look at you two whipping out your preciouses.
Elias: You'll have to excuse him, he's not "down" with the trilogy.
Randal: Oh, what the fuck happened to this world? There's only one trilogy, you fucking morons.
Hobbit Lover: You know what, maybe we should start calling your friend Padme, 'cause he loves Manakin Skywalker so much, right? in robot voice Danger danger, my name is Anakin. My shitty acting is ruining saga.
Elias: chucking Yeah, you're crazy Jar-Jar.
Randal: Oh, I'm crazy? Those fuckin' hobbit movies were boring as hell. All it was, was a bunch of people walking, three movies of people walking to a fucking volcano.
Elias: Fuck Pillowpants! Honk if you love or like pussy!
Jay: Looks at Silent Bob Yo, we love pussy!
Jay and Silent Bob blow on party favors
Teen #1: You holding?
Jay: Shit, everything except coke, heroin, and your cock!
Lance: Randal Graves. You work here too? Jesus, anyone else from our graduating class back there?
Randal: Terrorists? Dante stares at him angrily I left the coffee pot on all night, didn't I? Dante nods : Shit! Now where am I gonna bring chicks to fuck when my mom's home?
Dante: The guy's in a wheelchair.
Randal: I know. That's why I call him "crippie-boy."
Randal: Seventeen-year-olds nowadays are crazy. They're up for anything. They even like it when you go ass to mouth.
Dante: You never go ass to mouth, Randal.
Randal: It's never my idea!
Randal: on back of his "Mooby's" shirt "PORCH MONKEY 4 LIFE"
Husband: Baby, what are you saying? Using language like that?
Wife: Ain't nobody from my church in here.
Counter Girl with Ear Guy: Freak. Pulls boyfriend by loop in ear
Randal: I'm not even gonna point out the irony.
Jay: I was taking a piss when I heard the news, congratulations!
Elias: The Transformers are a gift from God, Randal!
Randal: Oh no, sir. The Transformers are a curse from the beast we call The Desolate One.
Randal: Before he was the Mad Ducats guy, he was just Pickle Fucker. See, freshman year, the seniors put us through what they called "initiations." They'd stuff us into lockers or throw us naked into the girl's locker room, but Lance here got the worst of it. The seniors pulled his pants down, shoved a pickle up his ass, and made him walk ten feet. If the pickle fell out before the ten-foot mark, he'd have to take a bite out of it, re-insert it, and walk again.
Randal: Don't worry. His pickle was small enough to stay wedged after only four bites.
Lance: I bet you're the only guy in the world who still remembers that, Graves.
Randal: Oh, I'm sure you still remember it pretty vividly, Pickle Fucker.
Randal: Well I don't wanna jerk off in the Mooby's bathroom. What if a customer comes in and my jerkin' off gets him all sex nuts and retard strong, and suddenly I'm fighting him off as he tries to jam my dick in his mouth?
Dante: The most likeliest of scenarios.
Randal: Emma, are you like this because you have an oversized clit?
Emma: You just HAD to tell him, didn't you?
Dante: It kind of came out one day! Randal: He says it's almost like a little cock, which says all sorts of weird things about him that I don't even want to think about
Randal: One semester we took criminology for God's sake! Criminology! Who the fuck are we studying to be, Batman?
Randal: Becky, you've given guys blowjobs, right?
Becky: I haven't even put my purse down yet.
Randal: That's a yes. to Dante And I know you've gone down on chicks.
Becky: What's your point, Graves?
Randal: Well, once you're done chomping down on the no-no parts of your lover you kiss them, right? That's just like going ass to mouth.
Becky: Okay, I'm pretty sure you just compared an asshole to a vagina.
Becky: Have you refilled the napkin holders yet?
Randal: That's an Elias job!
Becky: That comparison of pink and brown eyes just made it a Randal job.
Randal: to Elias Shut the fuck up, GoBot! to Becky You know, I could probably sue this whole corporation right now for sexual harassment. You're only making me refill the napkin holders because of my firmly held beliefs on the subject of ass to mouth. Dante: You never go ass to mouth!
Randal: Would you grow up?
Randal: to Emma You became persona non-nookie to me the minute he started diddling your pooter.
Emma: So thinking of me in terms of a woman kinda freaks you out, does it?
Randal: Sweetheart, I don't think of you in terms of being a woman, I don't think of you in any way, shape, or...
Emma: lifts up her shirt
Randal: Oh, that was just *wrong*...
Emma: If you don't leave so I can spend some quality time with my man, next I'll show you my pooter.
Randal: Why would you... Emma unbuckles her belt ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I'm leaving!
Elias: removing a smoking black basket of fries I don't think these look right.
Randal: Jesus! Step away from the fryer before you burn us all alive!
Elias: It's not my fault you abandoned your post!
Randal: Was it too much to ask that you handle the fries? The machine does all the work! What, does a machine gotta transform into some giant fuckin' robot before you'll take it seriously? Go home!
a bunch of cops and fireman run into Mooby's and see the "interspecies erotica"
Fireman: What the fuck?
the donkey brays as the Police Officer sees Randal's "Porch Monkey 4 Life" shirt
Officer: shouting PORCH MONKEY?
Randal: Oh, no no, it's cool, I'm taking it back.
Randal: Since when did "porch monkey" suddenly become a racial slur?
Dante: When ignorant racists started saying it a hundred years ago.
Randal: Oh bullshit. My grandmother used to call me a 'porch monkey' all the time when I was a kid, because I'd sit on the porch and stare at my neighbors.
Dante: Despite the fact that your grandmother might've used it as a term of endearment for you, it's still a racial slur. It'd be like your grandmother calling you a little kike.
Randal: No it is not. Plus my grandmother had nothing but the utmost respect for the Jewish community. When I was a kid, she'd always tell me to treat the Jewish kids well or they'd put the sheeny curse on me.
Dante: WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?
Dante: Sheeny is a racial slur, too!
Randal: No it is not.
Dante: Yes, it is!
Randal: Well, she never called any Jews "sheeny," she just used to say "sheeny curse" a lot. It was cute.
Dante: It wasn't cute! It was racist!
Randal: I disagree, man, she was just an oldtimer. That's the way people talked back then. Didn't mean they were racist... But my grandmother did refer to a broken bottle once as a "nigger knife." Dante stares in horror You know, come to think of it, my grandmother *was* kind of a racist.
Dante: YOU THINK?
Randal: indignant Well, I still don't think "porch monkey" should be considered a racial term. I mean, I've always used it to describe lazy people, not lazy black people! I think if we really tried, we could reclaim "porch monkey" and save it.
Dante: It can't be saved, Randal! The sole purpose for its creation - the only reason it exists in the first place - is to disparage an entire race. And even if it could be saved, *you* can't save it, because you're not black!
Randal: smug Well, listen to you, telling me I can't do something because of the color of my skin. You're the racist! Dante storms off in a huff I'm taking it back, you watch!
Emma: It must be nice having a job with so much downtime.
Randal: Downtime's important. If I had to deal with the fucking mouthbreathers all day I'd dip my head in the deep-fryer.
Dante and Emma stare at him, waiting for him to leave Balls, too...
Elias: That's bestiality, Randal!
Randal: At it's finest, I hope.
Elias: Who would want to see something like that?
Randal: Dante, me, YOU.
Elias: I don't want to see something like that! Why would you want to see something like that?
Randal: Because it's fucked up! Besides, I want to know if a chick with a mouth full of donkey spunk swallows. Lemme borrow your cell phone.
Elias: nervously Oh... 'cause... I'm only supposed to use it to call my parents in case of an emergency...
Randal: This is an emergency, I need to book the show for tonight. Jesus... Look, you love Mr. Dante, right?
Elias: In a non-gay way...
Becky: Shit, I had to wait on a guy I blew after Junior Prom.
Randal: Yeah, I've waited on your brother too.
Dante: You wouldn't wanna be with a girl with an oversized clit?
Randal: No because the next step would be a guy with an undersized dick
Teen #1: How about a nickel bag?
Jay: Fifteen bucks, lit-tle man. Put that shit in my hand. Nong nong nonga nonga nong nong.
Teen #1: to Teen #2 He likes to sing.
Becky: I'm disgusted and repulsed and... I can't look away.
Randal: Shut the fuck up, GoBot!
Emma: Come outside with me, I've got a surprise for you!
Emma and Dante run outside and pass Jay, dancing to "Goodbye Horses," completely naked
Dante: My surprise?
Jay: Thanks, Pickle Fucker! Yo Silent Bob, some pickle fucker gave us free eats!
Jay: Did you know Jesus was a Jew?
Teen #2: after a short pause Yeah.
Randal: Why haven't you fucked Myra yet?
Elias: Well we can't because of Pillow Pants.
Randal: What the fuck's Pillow Pants?
Elias: Pillow Pants is a little troll that lives in her pussy. Randal stares Pillow Pants is her pussy troll? scoffs Duh. You know how every girl's parents put a pussy troll in them when the girls are young, to keep them from having premarital sex? Randal: ...Sure.
Elias: Well Myra's is named Pillow Pants. And so even though she totally wants to have sex with me, Myra says that if I put my... thing in her, Pillow Pants will bite it off. So, I gotta wait until Pillow Pants get peed out of her body on her 21st birthday before we can have sex
Randal: floored And Myra told you this?
Elias: Boyfriends and girlfriends talk to each other about sex stuff Randal. You'd know this if you ever had a girlfriend.
Randal: Have you and Myra even kissed yet?
Elias: We would have if it weren't for Listerfiend.
Randal: beat Listerfiend is her mouth troll, isn't it?
Elias: shakes head Women.
Elias: Say what you will about Jesus, but leave the "Rings" alone.
Randal: You gotta be as blind as Anne Frank not to see that.
Wife: Did he say 'cock stain'? What the fuck is cock stain?
Husband: That must be some white freaky stuff. White guys get white women to do anything. You want to do a cock stain later?
Jay: Yo, you guys are gonna miss this shit! The big guy's gonna cornhole that ass! With his weiner!
Jay: hands Emma a cake Here, hit that two-timing fuck with this!
Randal: How the fuck do you always have two good-looking girls who want you? You're the most hideous fucking chud I've ever met, yet you always have a pair of girls fighting over you
Randal: You swung at me!
Dante: You ducked.
Randal: Because you swung at me!
Dante: Can you feel it?
Randal: Feel what?
Dante: Today is the first day of the rest of our lives
Randal: You can't get a chick, ya mook. You're too weird and sad.
Elias: gets angry I turn down chicks left and right.
Randal: Your chicks are your *left and right
Gawking Guy: It's not very hygienic. That's all I'm gonna tell you.
Becky: teaching Dante how to dance Okay, now we need some music. Walks to the side of roof Hey! Twelve-Step! Jay looks around confused Jay!
Jay: <i>looks up Lord?
Becky: Up here, jackass.
Jay: moves so he can see her What the fuck are you doing up there? Yo, if you're gonna jump, let me get a crack at that pussy first! Let me find out.
Becky: You still got your boombox? Silent Bob comes out with the boombox Play something and turn it way up. disappears, then comes back Something danceable! to Dante Just wait got the music... any minute now... Heavy Metal begins to play. Jay and Silent Bob head bang and dance furiously Something a little less demonic, please?
Elias: to Jay I have a huge boner right now!
Jay smiles nervously at him
Dante: We need to talk.
Becky: referring to the donkey Did you see the size of that cock?
Elias: If he's gonna jerk off, I'm gonna jerk off, too
Randal: I don't think he's gonna jerk off.
Randal: May your first child be a masculine child!
Silent Bob: . ..I got nothing.
Randal: to Dante You're my best friend, and I love you... In a totally heterosexual way.
Jay: to Silent Bob Yeah, right.
Hobbit Lover: I'm gonna kick your ass back to the Shire if you don't shut your fucking mouth.
Elias: while masturbating I'm sorry, Jesus!
Randal: Hey, there is only one Return and it's not of the King, it's of the Jedi.
Sexy Stud: as the cops pull up Oh, shit! Not again! Gotta finish!
Randal: Ladies and gentlemen, and you, Elias! Straight from the debauchery capital of the world, TI-juana Mexico!
Dante: Oh, God, no.
Randal: Oh, God, yes! snaps his fingers and an incredibly elaborate lighting set-up is activated
Randal: describing the Lord of the Rings Trilogy Here's the first movie. walks a few steps, staring blankly And here's the second movie. walks a few steps again, pretends to trip
Hobbit Lover: He is way off, loser.
Randal: You ready for the third movie? walks yet again, stops, pretends to throw the ring into the volcano. Shrugs his shoulders and turns around
Becky: to Dante Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, it's forgivable to go ass to mouth.
Randal: chuckling Heh. I knew it.
Randal: bursts into the office laughing I made fun of "Lord of the Rings" so hard, it made some supergeek puke all over the counter. Where do we keep the mop and bucket so I can make Elias clean it up?
Dante: In the closet, with the rest of the cleaning products.
Randal: We have cleaning products? shuts the door
Randal: Fuck off with your D&D GoBot bullshit.
Becky: Emma, I don't... I don't know what to say.
Emma: throws her ring at Becky on the verge of tears Take him, fucking whore.
Jay: Emma parks her SUV and gets out. Jay and Silent Bob stand in front of the graffiti on the side of the Mooby's - "Eat pussy." Oh, we *totally* do.
Elias: Taking 'I Eat Cock' sign off of his employee of the month picture; to Randal Well, at least you spelled cock right this time.
Randal: What's the point of having an Internet connection if you're not using it to look up weird, fucked-up pictures of dirty sex you'd never have yourself?
Elias: mumbling "One Ring to rule them all."
Hobbit Lover: "One Ring to find them."
Randal: Oh, Jesus.
Elias: pulls a Ring necklace out of his shirt "One Ring to bring them all."
Hobbit Lover: pulls a Ring out of his pocket, in a dramatic voice "And in the darkness, bind them!"
Randal: to Dante, about 'porch monky' I'm taking it back, you watch! to little kid Hey! What can I get you, you little porch monkey? mother gasps to mother It's cool, I'm taking it back.
Elias: FUCK Pillowpants!
Dante: about Becky No, we had sex one night after work a few weeks ago.
Randal: What? Where?
Dante: Here, on the prep station table.
Randal : Ew, that's my prep table
Dante: after Emma flashes Randal What'd you do that for? You realize he just thinks you're trying to get him into a threeway with us now, don't you?
Teen #2: Is that a fucking Bible?
Jay: Hey hey, the HOLY fucking Bible, son.
Jay: You know, sometimes I wish I did a little more with my life instead of hanging out in front of places selling weed and shit. Like, maybe be an animal doctor. Why not me? I like seals and shit. Or maybe an astronaut. Yeah... be the first motherfucker to see a new galaxy, or find a new alien lifeform... and fuck it. People would be like, "There he goes. Homeboy fucked a Martian once."
Randal: Holy shit, she got pregnant on the toilet seat you jacked off on, I knew it!
Randal: Randal making fun of Lord of the Rings The movie should have ended on the logical closure point, not the 25 endings that followed.
Teen #1: about Jay and Silent Bob I like 'em man, they're funny.
Teen #2: They're fucking stupid
Randal: to Dante Hey, you know what? You're not even supposed to be here today.
Randal: Even the trees walked in those fuckin' movie.
Dante: 'Porch monkey' is a racial slur against black people!
Randal: Oh it is not! Coon, spook, spade, moolie, jigaboo, nig-nog, those are racial slurs!
Randal: You ever see a chick give a mule a blowjob?
Jay: dancing to "Goodbye, Horses" Would you fuck me?... I'd fuck me... I'd fuck me hard...
Randal: Dude, I'm pretty sure your old lady wants to get you and me together in a three-way!
Dante: I can't believe you. I finally get my shit together. I'm hours from getting outta here, I'm really starting my life, and you somehow figure out a way to obliterate all that and reduce me to a convict.
Randal: Oh, yeah, it's my fault your life is fucked up. "I'm the guy who knocked up my boss!"
Jay: amazed You knocked up the guy who owns Mooby's?
Randal: chuckling ... What?
Elias: How many times?
Hobbit Lover: Well, three for fellowship, two for towers, four for return.
Elias: Five for return!
Hobbit Lover: Dude!
Dante, Randal, Jay, Silent Bob, Elias and the Sexy Stud are in a holding cell together. Randal is commenting on the lack of improvement of jail cell design
Randal: What do you think, Dante?
Dante glares at him, then charges at him angrily, tackling him against the bars
Dante: I'm gonna kill you!
Jay: What up, steel cage match!
Randal: The Transformers were a total slight against God. In as much as God sent his only begotten son to die on the cross to redeem mankind and all we did to pay him back was make terrible fucking cartoons, like the Transformers.
Randal: I got to rent movies, fuck with assholes, and hang out with my best friend, Dante
Randal: I would buy the Quick Stop and reopen it myself. That's what I would do. That's what we should do.
Announcer: The following television show is entirely fictitious. Any similarity to this history of any person, living or dead, or any actual events is entirely coincidental and unintentional. Except where specifically noted in the cast and crew credits, all celebrity voices are impersonated and no celebrities have endorsed any aspect of the show. Is anybody still watching after all that?
Dante: It seems someone told the boss I needed to work more hours for college credits.
Randal: Wasn't me.
Dante: Randal, I don't go to college.
JAY: It looks like a big bong. That looks like a big bong, too.
Leonardo: Today marks the dawn of a new era. I give you, the people of Leonardo... THE FUTURE!
Jay: That's the ugliest bong I've ever seen.
Leonardo: While you're here, shop in our best- seller department, complete with it' own coffee bar. Or drop by our music shop, also with it's own coffee bar. Or, perhaps you'd rather visit our international coffee bar. Complete with it's own little book department, which has it's own super teeny-tiny coffee bar inside. And a selection of tiny adult magazines.
Dante: Uh, it's... great.
Leonardo: Really, you think so?
Dante: Sure. Right, Randal?
Randal: It's a piece of crap.
Leonardo: Gentlemen, your sales numbers impress me. Despite Mr. Hicks' lashing out, I want to offer you a job working here for me. I want you lock, stock and barrel.
Randal: Is this some sort of gay thing.
Randal: You're sure?
Man: My god!!! Leonardo is a monster! We have to stop him!!
Dante: Wait a second, do you live in Leonardo?
Man: No, New York City. I'm on my way to the beach, and I stopped to use the bathroom.
Announcer: In retaliation, this show endorses no celebrities. (Except for Ben Affleck, pre-Reindeer Games)
Dante: God it’s cold. Brrrrrr!
Randal: It’s Hoth cold.
Dante: Move around. Make more Star Wars references. It helps to stay warm.
Jay: If we had a light-saber I could “vooomp-vooomp” slice up tubby here, and we could crawl inside him and stay warm for the night.
Randal: I’m going to re-stock the shelves and then I’m off to accept my Nobel Peace Prize. Whatever you do, Dante: , don’t let that door close.
Dante: I’m the biggest idiot ever.
Dante: Kaitlin Bree and I went steady for most of high school. You know, I lost my virginity to her.
Randal: Duh. I know that. I was there.
Cardinal: Do you, Novitiates Hicks and Graves, before God and his church, now voluntarily take the solemn vows of obedience, poverty, and chastity.
Randal/ Dante: We do.
Cardinal: Then by the powers invested in me and the state of New Jersey, I now pronounce you man and wife.
Randal/ Dante: What?!?
Dante: Even though I remember who had the crowbar, I’m still the biggest idiot ever.
Announcer: However, this show is endorsed by Celebrity Impersonations Union Local # 72503B
Dante: “Why aren’t any African American characters on your show? Aren’t there any black people in New Jersey? Signed Richard Feyder, Fort Lee, New Jersey.” Wow. He’s right.
Randal: Yeah, this is a problem.
Dante: : But one we’re going to rectify immediately. To prove that – yes - not only are there black people in New Jersey, but also positive black role models, we’ll be adding a great new character tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome a man, who just happens to be black… Lando.
Dante: Why do you want to buy a monkey?
Jay: To teach it to smoke, duh.
Randal: As God is my witness, monkey, you’re not going to infect this town with your filthy virus. Look how scared he is. He’s shaking.
Dante: No. He’s masturbating.
Randal Yeah, but it’s out of fear.
Pilot # 1: Washington, this is Echo 7. We’re coming home, with payload intact. All thanks to a brave young man…gay man. Sorry, brave, young, gay man…Dante: Hicks.
Announcer: With that in mind, America let us rise up against our celebrities and make fun of them
Dante: Oh yeah? You could never handle Quick Stop.
Randal: Oh Yeah? You could never handle RST.
Surgeon: And neither of you could handle a balloon angioplasty on a collapsed aorta.
Randal: Lando, the jury in Dante: ’s case is all black. We need to know what they want to hear.
Lando: Right. Right. Black jury. A jury that’s all black. 12 men. All Black. Black jury. 12 black men, all black.
Randal: State your name and your latest film.
George Lucas: George Lucas. Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace.
Randal: And do you think Phantom Menace is as good a movie as Empire?
George: Well, certainly. I think it’s the best movie I’ve made yet.
Randal: Permission to treat this witness as hostile. Mr. Lucas, how do you explain that in Star Wars Obi-wan tells Luke that when he met his father, he was a great pilot but in Menace, he’s just a little boy?
George: Well, my kids thought…
Randal: And how come Obi-wan tells Luke that Yoda is the Jedi that trained him but in the movie, Liam Neeson trains Obi-wan?
George: Well, the power of myth can…
Randal: Isn’t it true you knew this was a bad movie? That you wrote it over a weekend, but kept telling people it was done for years? I want my eight bucks back.
Randal: Damn. I didn’t get to ask my best question?
Dante: Which is?
Randal: Why the hell is he called Silent Bob?
Announcer # 1: We’re sorry, due to circumstances beyond our control, the script to the rest of the episode was lost on it’s way overseas. Luckily, the episode was finished by the Korean animators at Disney Korea. We hope you enjoy the new ending.
Kobe Bryant: In the case of Jay versus Dante: Hicks. WE find in favor of-- BIG AMERICAN PARTY!!!!
Announcer: I can’t believe I went to law school for this.
Randal: So you're saying that after me, no other man would do?
Debbie: That's one way of putting it.
Randal: Yes! I am the ultimate male!!!
Man # 1: These guys suck.
Dante: Hey, you're lucky none of these kids' parents are here.
Man # 1: We are the parents.
Anthony: There goes the baddest kid in the fourth grade.
Dante: He's not in the fourth grade. He's twenty-six.
Anthony: He got left back. A lot.
Jay: Snootchie Bootchies, little nootchies.
Announer: I don’t care for this show either.
Dante: Uh, hi… loyal fans. I’m Dante: and this is Randal. We’re the stars of the hit ABC cartoon Clerks and we’re ready to take your questions.
Fan # 1: Are you guys gay?
Dante: No. Next question.
Fan # 2: Yeah, I loved the movie Clerks but I think your show sucks-hard. It’s in color and nobody curses. It’s nothing like the movie, what with all the monkey and little league stuff, and the evil Billionaire guy. I also feel that you guys come off as gay on the show. Thank you.
Fan # 3: Yeah, I wanted to ask how little you guys sold out for, and what it feels like to have no soul and a black heart? Also, did you sign your deal with the devil in blood or ink? And when will Ellen be guesting on your very gay show?
Dante: I can’t believe it. They hate the show.
Randal: Yeah. And they think you’re gay.
Alcoholic: I cut my hand on a rubber band! Do you sell Band-Aids?
Randal: Band-Aids is a brand name. The proper term is “adhesive strips.”
Dante: The man is bleeding to death, and you’re getting into a semantics argument.
Randal: Ah, the whole movie’s flawed. Like that lightsaber stuff. They turn it on and it only goes yay-high. How does it know when to stop?
Dante: Um… the Force?
Randal: Man, that’s your answer for everything.
Jay: Like anything ever happens around here. Let’s get back to the sucky fair, Silent Bob. I wanna get in line for that Caitlin chick’s kissing booth.
Dante: What?! Caitlin has a kissing booth? Like for charity?
Jay: Yeah. Only there’s no cause listed, and it doesn’t cost nothing. And there’s no booth. And it’s more that just kissing. And you don’t have to be a guy. Dude, she’s cheating on you.
Randal: You know what I hate? Soccer. Hockey is just so much better.
Dante: What does that have to do with Caitlin?
Randal: Everything. Like it’s so stupid how they use nets in soccer.
Dante: Hockey uses nets.
Randal: Yeah, but in soccer, the object is to get the ball past a goalie. That’s so dumb.
Dante: There are goalies in hockey too.
Randal: Yeah, but soccer’s stupid.
Randal: Trust me - if I can’t get around Star 69, no one can get around Star 69.
Randal: Yeah. Hi. This is USA Today. We’re polling Americans on their spelling acumen for one of those cool color graphs we do. Could you please spell “ I Cup” for me?
Voice # 2: I don’t understand the question.
Randal: What’s to understand? Just spell “I Cup.”
Voice # 2: I don’t get it.
Randal: Man! “I…C…U…P!” Get it!?
Jay: Oh, it’s whacked, man! The President was attacked by a couple of Pinheads that look like your parents! Then, an elephant trampled the President! And that Caitlin chick was making out with everyone whose name starts with the letter ‘J’!
Jay: Holy crap! The freaks have declared war on the FBI! And half the Brazilian Soccer Team just ate a naked bear, while the other half ate themselves! And the guy at the popcorn stand was carried off by gorillas! And that Caitlin chick was making out with everyone whose name starts with the letter ‘B’!
Jay: Dude, it’s chaos out there! A bunch of hookers and vampires showed up, looking to rent a movie and when they saw the video store was closed, they bit and solicited the President! And there’s no one at the funnel cake stand! Oh, and that Caitlin chick lifted the alphabetical stipulations, and was making out with everyone in sight!
Jay: The F.B.I. had to graft the President’s head to the body of a gorilla to save him from becoming a Vampire! He climbed up the Ferris wheel and it broke loose and crunched the elephant! Then that Caitlin chick started making out with the Ferris wheel! And look what we found on the Soccer Team’s bus!
Dante: Do you remember the days when we’d sit around cursing like sailors, talking about the minutia of pop culture?
Randal: Hey, yeah. Sometimes we’d play some hockey on the roof or knock a casket over at funeral, but other than that, our lives were a lot less episodic. Although Caitlin was still a pretty big whore.
Dante: What’s this?
Randal: Neo - it’s the Matrix.
Dante: I’m not Neo, and this is not the Matrix.
Randal: Oh yeah? Beef jerky. Ala The Matrix, racks of beef jerky speed past them, surrounding the pair. The Matrix is telling my brain this is Turkey Jerky. Now let’s try… Asian porn stars. Nothing happens Asian porn stars! Hey what’s going on?? Rembrandt wake up? I said Asian porn stars. Hop to it.
Jay: Ain’t I a stinker? Na-na nootch!