Happy Gilmore

Shooter: Damn you people. Go back to your shanties.

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Virginia: What's this about you breaking a rake and throwing it in the woods?
Happy: I didn't *break* it, I was merely testing its durability, and I *placed* it in the woods cause it's made of wood and I thought he should be with his family.

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Nursing Home Orderly: Good news, everybody, we're extending arts and crafts time by four hours today.
Elderly Woman: My fingers hurt.
Nursing Home Orderly: What's that?
Elderly Woman: My fingers hurt.
Nursing Home Orderly: Oh, well, now your back's gonna hurt, 'cause you just pulled landscaping duty. Anybody else's fingers hurt?... I didn't think so.

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Happy: During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody

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Happy: Looks like a slight hill. Whaddya think?
Otto: And a slant to the left.
Happy: Nah, it looks that way cause you've only got one shoe on

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Grandma: What happened to that nice girlfriend of yours?
Happy: Oh, She got hit by a car, she's dead

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Happy: to Bob Barker The price is wrong, bitch.

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Happy: I'll make you a bet. If you get this puck into that net, I'll never bother you again. But if you miss, you have to give me a big fat kiss. And you have to pretend you like it too.
Virginia: Do you always carry a puck with you?
Happy: Yeah. Virginia shoots puck and scores Holy shit. Talk about your all time backfires

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Shooter: Just stay out of my way or you'll pay, listen to what I say.
Happy: Hey, why don't I just go and eat some hay. I can lay by the bay, make things out of clay, I just may, what'd ya say?

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Chubbs: Back in 1965, Sports Illustrated said I was going to be the next Arnold Palmer.
Happy: Yeah? What happened?
Chubbs: They wouldn't let me play on the Pro Tour anymore.
Happy: Ah, I'm sorry. Because you're black?
Chubbs: Hell no! Damned alligator BIT my hand off! Shows Happy his wooden hand
Happy: OH MY GOD!
Chubbs: Yeah. tournament down in Florida. I hooked my ball in the rough down by the lake. Damned alligator just POPPED up, cut me down on my prime. He got me, but I tore one of the bastard's eyes out though. Look at that. Shows Happy a small glass jar with an eyeball in it
Happy: You're pretty sick, Chubbs.

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Happy: a limo passes by Whoa, must be Burt Reynolds or somethin'.

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in slow motion, Happy hits a ball a great distance. Soon after, the ball bounces on a green and rolls into a hole. The crowd goes wild Happy: shouts He shoots, he scores! turns to Chubbs Oh, man. That was so much easier than putting. I should just try to get the ball in one shot every time.
Chubbs: Good plan. chuckles as he pats Happy with his wooden hand. The two of them walk away
Virginia: to Shooter Did you see that?
Shooter: Yes. Nice shot.
Virginia: He just got a Hole-in-One on a *par four*!
Shooter: I know. I just said I saw it.
Virginia: laughs Oh, I hope he *wins*. He's a publicist's *dream*. I mean, a guy who could drive the ball *that* far - oh, he could *really* draw a crowd. walks away smiling
Shooter: under his breath You know what *else* could draw a crowd? A golfer with an arm growing out of his ass. follows Virginia scowling

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Grandma: Sir, can I trouble you for a warm glass of milk? It helps me go to sleep.
Nursing Home Orderly: You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up. Now, you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep. Check out the name tag. You're in my world now, grandma.

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Happy: If I saw myself dressed like that, I'd have to kick my own ass.

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Happy: I got into this tournament for one reason: money. And now I have a new reason: kicking your ass!
Shooter: Well, I'd like to see you try.
Happy: Picks up beer bottle and smashes it in half Let's do it, then!
Shooter: I meant on a golf course!
Virginia: Hey! What's going on?
Happy: Oh, uh, I was just looking for the other half of this bottle and there's some of it and there's some of it right there, too.
Virginia: Why don't you just put it down?
Happy: Yeah, I know.

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Shooter: I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.
Happy: laughing you eat pieces of shit for breakfast?
Shooter: No... I...

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Chubbs: It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips.
Happy: Get off of me.
Chubbs: Just easing the tension, baby. Just easing the tension.
Happy: Yeah, well ease it on someone else.

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Terry: All you ever talk about is becoming a pro hockey player, but there's a problem: you're not any good.
Happy: I am good. You know what, you're a lousy kindergarten teacher. I've seen those finger-paintings you bring home and they SUCK.

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Happy: You little son of a bitch ball! Why you don't you just go home? That's your HOME! Are you too good for your home? ANSWER ME! SUCK MY WHITE ASS BALL!

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Crazy Old Lady: Mister! Mister! Get me outta here!
Happy: Here, eat that and leave us alone!

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Happy: Happy learned how to putt, UH-OH!

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Donald: You suck! Ya Jackass!

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Happy: to caddy Where were you on that one, dipshit?

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Shooter: Damn you people. This is golf. Not a rock concert.

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Chubbs: Golf's no different from Hockey. It requires talent and self discipline.
Happy: Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbor the accountant, huge ass.
Chubbs: Hey, I'll bet your neighbor the accountant, can't drive the ball 400 yards. I'll bet your neighbor the accountant doesn't have a shot to get on the Pro Tour!
Happy: And how would I do that?
Chubbs: You win the Open tomorrow, and you're automatically on the Pro Tour. Then who knows, maybe you'll win the Tour Championship. Get that gold jacket that I never got.
Happy: Gold jacket, Green jacket, who gives a shit.

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Shooter has just hit the ball on Mr. Larson's foot
Mr. Larson: That's two thus far, Shooter.
Shooter: Oh, you can count. Good for you.
Mr. Larson: And *you* can count, on *me*, waiting for *you* in the parking lot.

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Happy: That's my puck, baby, don't you ever touch my puck.

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Shooter: Stop fraternizing with the help Gilmore. Just hit your ball... if you can find it.

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Shooter has just purchased Happy's Grandmothers house
Happy: What the hell is wrong with you?
Shooter: Well, Real Estate is a hobby of mine... Happy goes to hit McGavin Ah ah. Take one more step, I burn the house and piss on the ashes.

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Virginia: What the hell is going on here
Happy: Erm... I was just looking for the other half of this bottle. Oh. There's some... and some more.

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Happy cheers and uses a golf club to do bull dance
Gary: to his caddy Doing the Bull Dance, feeling the flow. Working, working.

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Mover: I'll tell you what, you hit a ball past my ball, and we'll go straight back to work so you can watch your precious hockey game.
Happy: Give me the stupid club. approaches the ball on the tee judging the club Look at this stupid thing.
Mover: This is going to be hilarious. I mean, look how he's standing.
Happy: sarcastically Yeah you like that? hits the ball, hits the window to the house at the end of the street
Mover: Holy shit.
Happye: Go back to work.
Mover: That house is like 400 yards away.
Happy: Is that good?
Mover: That's unbelievable.
Mover: Beginner's luck. Twenty buck says you can't do it again.
Happy: Bring it on. hits the ball in the same direction
Distant neighbor: You guys are going to pay for that. Ow.
Mover: You hit that guy.
Happy: He shouldn't have been standing there.
Mover: One more time, double or nothing.
Happy: You better pay up. hits the ball, ball hits a woman on the roof of the same house, falls off Oops. All right, maybe we should get back inside.

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to Bob Barker after Donald insults Happy
Happy: I'd like to punch that guy in the face right now. But I can't, you know, because I'd get in trouble. I bet you get a lot of that on "Let's Make A Deal."
Bob: It's "The Price Is Right," Happy.
Happy: grimaces in embarrassment Oh, yeah. Sorry.
Bob: It happens. Let's play some golf.
Happy: Okay.

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Happy: That guy's driving me crazy.
Bob Barker: You know what's driving me crazy? You not getting the ball in the hole!
Happy: Don't push me, Bob. Now's not the time!

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Virginia: I thought we were just going to be friends.
Happy: What? Friends listen to Endless Love in the dark

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Crazy Old Lady: after the air conditioner falls out the window Mista, mista! Get this off of me! yells Mista!
Happy: Hold on, I'll be right there! turns to Grandma Hey, you know that 'Mista Mista Lady'... I think I just killed her!

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Happy: sinks an amazing putt to Shooter Did that go in? I wasn't watching, did it go in? I didn't see it, could you tell me if it went in?

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Doctor: Well, You're a little banged up but no serious injury's. Just keep off your feet for a few days.
Happy: To Hell with that, I gotta finish up.
Doctor: Fine! Do whatever you like. What would I know, I'm just a Doctor.

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The waterboy

Bobby: Now that's what I call high quality H2O.

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after Bobby demonstrates his tackling ability
Coach Klein: Bobby, can you do that for me every game?
Bobby: Coach, not only will I do it for you, I... I... I... yes, yes, I'll do it for you.

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Townie: You can do it. Cut his fucking head off.

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Coach Klein: Gatorade not only quenches your thirst better, it tastes better too.
Bobby: No, you people are drinkin the wrong water.
Coach Klein: Gatorade.
Bobby: H2O.
Coach Klein: Gatorade.
Bobby: H2O.
Coach Klein: singing Water sucks. It really, really sucks. Water sucks.

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Bobby: My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.

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Mama: You gonna lose all your fancy "fools' balls" games! And your gonna fail your big exam! Because school is?
Bobby: The devil? Mama gasps Everything is the devil to you, Mama! Well, I like school, and I like football! And I'm gonna keep doin' them both because they make me feel good! Bobby runs out, slamming the door, then comes back in And by the way, Mama. "Alligators" are ornery 'cause of their "Medula Oblongata"! Bobby runs back out, then back in again And I like Vicki, and she like me back! And she showed me her boobies and I like them too! slams door on Mama

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Guy: Hey, moron! Hey! Moron! Duh! L-L-Look at me. I'm th-th-the waterboy. Duh! I got a wooden spoon! Duh!
Greg: Bobby pictures the people who tormented him in the past Smells like you need a shower, stinky!
Meaney laughs evily
Coach Red: You're fired! laughs evilly
Bobby: Captain Insano and Jim Simmonds laugh, Bobby becomes enraged Stop makin' fun of me!
Guy: Red thirty! Hut!
Bobby chases Grenouille, screaming, then ramming and tackling him hard to the ground
Coach Klein: in amazement Wow!
Derek: Damn!

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Lawrence Taylor: Which brings me to my second point, kids. Don't do crack.

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Paco: I am not what you would call a handsome man. The good Lord chose not to bless me with... with charm, athletic ability... or a fully functional brain. You see, you're an inspriation, to all of us who... who weren't born handsome, and charming and cool, and and... breaks out in tears

Bobby: Nice hit, Mama.
Mama: Thanks baby. Now you go on and have some fun becomin' a man.

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Bobby: Look Who's on TV mama... it's the devil.

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Bobby: Mama, something bad happened today.
Mama : Pulls up a knife Did somebody hurt you my boy?

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Coach Klein: Nice suit!

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Walter: Let's kick some names and take some ass.

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after watching Bobby tackle a player
Paco: Look at Bobby tackle. I haven't seen a tackle like that since Joe Montana.
Walter: Joe Montana was a quarterback, you idiot.

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Mama: No son of mine is gonna play any foos-ball.

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Upon hearing that Bobby Boucher has been benched
Townie: We suck again.

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Guy: Nice going shithead. You lost us the football game.
Bobby: Sorry. Will you please still be my friend?
Guy: No, Get away.

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Lynn: You gonna add another championship trophy to the old case downstairs?
Coach Red: That's kinda like my old man told me one time, Lynn. The only thing better than a crawfish dinner, is five crawfish dinners.

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Bobby: Excuse me ladies while I just go hang myself.

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Mama: Bobby, deh ever catch dat gorilla that busted outa da zoo and punched you in da eye?
Bobby: No Mama, the search continues.

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Vicki: after Bobby has gotten his test scores back Well, Bobby Boucher, welcome to manhood. I'll make sure to welcome you properly later.
Bobby: Once again, I'm not quite sure what that means.

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Mama: to Bobby You don't have what they call "the social skills." That's why you never have any friends, 'cept fo' yo' mama.

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Bobby: So that's what opening up a can of whoop-ass feels like.
Coach Klein: Son, you just opened up a whole case of whoop-ass.

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Townie: You can do it... you can do it all night loong!

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Coach Klein: after football player spits loogie in water tank Are you all right?
Bobby: I wasn't gonna do nothin', coach!
Coach: Well ya better do something. You gotta stick up for yourself, Bobby.
Bobby: But what about the finally tuned athletic machine?
Coach Klein: I am not telling you to go on a shooting rampage!

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Dan: The waterboy just needed some water!
Brent: Wow Dan, did you come up with that all by yourself?
Dan: Shut up, Brent.

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Mama: after Vicki mentions a football game Foos-ball? Buncha overgrown monsters man-handlin' each other... 'Member when dat man wanted you to play foos-ball, Bobby?

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Guy: I don't want that loser on the team. Everybody's gonna laugh at us.
Lyle : Everybody already 'is' laughing at us. We haven't won a game since nineteen-ninetyFOUR.

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Coach Klein: it's half-time at the Bourbon Bowl and they're in the locker room Anybody got an idea?
Silence
Derek: Hey, remember the time Bobby tackled the referee by mistake?
Everybody chuckles
Lyle: Yeah, that was pretty funny. How 'bout the time Bobby tackled the guy from Louisville, and threw him into the stands?
Everybody laughs
Guy: Y'all remember the time he intercepted the ball and his pants fell off, and he ran for the touchdown bare ass?
Everybody laughs
Farmer Fran: Remember the time Bobby Boucher...
Begins to mumble in his southern drawl, and everybody stares at him
Bobby : shows up in the locker room by surprise Remember the time Bobby Boucher showed up at halftime and the Mud Dogs won the Bourbon Bowl do ya?
Everybody starts cheering and shouting

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Casey: He poked me in the eye!
Bobby: Captain Insano shows no mercy.

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Dan: Bobby Boucher sure knocked the poop out of him.
Brent: Looks at Dan Poop?

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Bobby: after Reading a question about Benjamin Franklin Ben Franklin
Young Bobby: Flashback to Bobby's childhood Mama, when did Ben Franklin invent electricity?
Mama: That's nonsense, I invented electricity. Ben Franklin is the Devil!

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The wedding singer

Robbie: All right, remember - alcohol equals puke equals smelly mess equals nobody likes you!

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Robbie: Are you drinking, too?
Julia: No, it's Coca-Cola.
Robbie: Are you sure? There's no rum in that Coca-Cola?
Julia: I'm not a big drinker. And if it was, I'd probably be puking more than that kid!
Robbie: Oh, I don't think anybody could puke more than that kid. I think I saw a boot come out of him

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Dave: Little news flash, Pop. Ha. Harold ain't so perfect. Remember that time in Puerto Rico when we picked up those two, uh... well, I guess they were prostitutes, but I don't remember paying.

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Holly: You know who else I think is sexy? Robbie Hart.
Glenn: You think the "Time To Make The Doughnuts" guy is sexy.

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Robbie: Now let's cut the stupid cake because I know the fat guy's gonna have a heart attack if we don't eat again soon... fat man shrugs And while we do that here's a little mood music for you

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Glenn: This is a great idea. I'm glad you came around. You want to do some gambling and have some fun right away, or you just want to get married?

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Father of the Bride: Hey, buddy, I'm not paying you to share your thoughts on life. I'm paying you to sing.
Robbie: Well, I have a microphone, and you don't, SO YOU WILL LISTEN TO EVERY DAMN WORD I HAVE TO SAY!

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Julia: Not porno tongue. Church tongue.
Robbie: laughing Church tongue, I like that

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Sammy: If you find somebody you can love, you can't let that get away.

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Robbie: Hey. I kissed her, but it didn't mean anything, I just brought her the jacket.
Glenn: Kissed who?
Holly: Oh, me.
Glenn: Who hasn't?

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Andy: watering plants as Sammy pulls up About time his best friend showed up.
Sammy: How is he?
Andy: I dunno, man. He just stays down in the basement since it happened... Five days now. I think he might be having some kind of mental situation, or something.
Sammy: I'll talk to him. the camera follows him as he walks to the house, singing to himself
Andy: off camera Hey, you better do something. I don't wanna be known as brother-in-law of the town nut job; I got enough problems already. sound of water splosing Oh, shit, I just got water all over myself.

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Robbie: Linda shows up for the first time after failing to marry him You're late.
Linda: sighs I'm sorry... I just couldn't do it.
Robbie: Well, if you need more time, I guess I could wait.
Linda: No... I don't need more time, Robbie. I don't ever want to marry you.
Robbie: takes a deep breath, sighs Gee, you know that information... really would've been more useful to me *yesterday.*
Linda: I've been talking with my friends the last few days...
Robbie: Oh, boy, here it comes.
Linda: . ..and I think I've figured out what's been bothering me. I'm not in love with Robbie, now. I'm in love with Robbie, six years ago. Robbie, the lead singer of Final Warning; I used to come watch you when you were in your silk shirt and Spandex pants, and you would sing into the microphone like you were David Lee Roth.
Robbie: I've still got the Spandex; I'll put 'em on right now.
Linda: The point is, I woke up this morning and realized I'm about to get married to a wedding singer? I am never gonna leave Richfield!
Robbie: Why do you need to leave Richfield? We grew up here. All our friends are here; it's the perfect place to raise a family.
Linda: Oh, yeah - sure! Living in your sister's basement with five kids while you're off every weekends doing wedding gigs at a whoppin' sixty bucks a pop?
Robbie: Once again, things that could've been brought to my attention YESTERDAY!

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Robbie: You hit two cones back there. Those could have been people... they could have been guests at her wedding!
Sammy: exasperated They were *cones*!

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Robbie: Glenn offers him a drink after Jason insults him No, I'm not a big drinker.
Glenn: Well I am, how about an "Alabama Slammer"?
Glenn's buddy: Sounds like a plan.
Robbie: Yeah, go ahead, have a few drinks and, you know, drive home.

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Glenn: after punching Robbie You know, you should write a song about this. You could call it "I got punched in the nose for sticking my face in other people's business". he and his friends walk off laughing
Old man in bar: Sounds like a country song!

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Julia: Can I get some more prime rib?
Andre: Prime rib, always the prime rib. Make them eat the fish!
Holly: Four more prime ribs.
Andre: bowing Your wish is my command, my darling.
Julia: How come he's so nice to you?
Holly: I let him look at my boobs at the Christmas party last year. Not my finest half hour, but its been a pleasant working environment ever since.
Julia: he looks at Julia No!

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Robbie: singing I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you.
I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches
build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growin old with you
I'll miss you, kiss you, give you my coat when you are cold
Need you, feed you, I'll even let you hold the remote control
So let me do the dishes in the kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink.
Oh I could be the man to grow old with you
I wanna grow old with you.

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Old man in bar: You need a prostitute.

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Robbie: light strums on guitar You
don't
know
how
much
I
need you
when
you're
near
me
I
don't
feel blue
when
we
kiss
I know
you need
me too
can't
believe
I found
a love
quite
so pure
and true. goes to hard metal strums BUT IT ALL WAS BUUULSHIT
IT WAS A GOD DAMN JOKE
AND WHEN I THINK OF OL' LINDA
I HOPE YOU FUCKING CHOKE
goes to light strums again I
Think
you're glad
with what
you done
to me
I lay
in bed
all
day long
feeling
melancholy
you've left
me here
all alone
tears running constantly
goes to hard strums again SOMEBODY KILL ME PLEASE
SOMEBODY KILL ME PLEASE
SOMEBODY PLEASE
PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE
KILL ME
I WANT TO DIE
PUT A BULLET IN MY HEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAD.
Julia: applauds as he breaks down crying I liked that.
Jimmie: He's losing his mind... And I'm reaping the benefits.

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Father of the Bride: You are the worst wedding singer in the world, buddy!
Robbie: Sir, one more outburst from you and I will strangle you with my microphone wire.

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Robbie: See? Billy Idol gets it!

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about woman
Old Man in Bar: They rip your heart out of your ass

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Rosie: to Julia : He wants to make money. You know - live in a nice house with wide windows and locks. You can't expect him to live forever with his sister and the nipple-twisting that goes on there.

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Rosie: Are you nervous?
Robbie: I've actually not that nervous. I've been around lots of weddings before, so I figure it won't be very different.
Rosie: I didn't mean about the wedding. I meant about the wedding night. Will this be your first time with intercourse?
Robbie: Uh...
Rosie: Well, don't be ashamed. You know, when I got married, I wasn't a virgin. I'd already had intercourse with eight men.
Robbie: Now, that's something I didn't wanna know about.
Rosie: That was a lot back then; it'd be like two hundred today!

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Robbie: I don't even know your last name.
Glenn: It's Guglia.
Robbie: Guglia? Oh, so Julia's last name's gonna be Guglia. Julia Guglia! That's funny!

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Glenn's buddy: Robbie Hart? Oh, man, I heard what happened to you at your wedding, that was so cold! You must've felt like shit!
Robbie: No, it felt real good, thanks for bringing that up, man. Hey, my parents died when I was ten, would you like to talk about that?
Glenn's buddy: No, why would I wanna talk about that?
Robbie: I don't know.

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Julia: Hey, Glenn, do you mind if we switch seats so I sat in the window seat?
Glenn: Mmm. I hate the aisle seat. Every time that drink cart comes by it bangs me in the elbows.

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Robbie: Can I borrow your credit card?
Sammy: You're gonna pay me back, right?
Robbie: No. But if you don't give it to me, I'm gonna tell everyone what you said at the bar.

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Robbie: We're living in a material world and I am a material girl... or boy.

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at a job interview for a bank
Mr. Simms: Do you have any experience?
Robbie: No, sir, I have no experience but I'm a big fan of money. I like it, I use it, I have a little. I keep it in a jar on top of my refrigerator. I'd like to put more in that jar. That's where you come in.

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Julia: I puked.
Robbie: Okay. Don't worry.
Julia: I vomited in my hair.
Robbie: All right.
Julia: Does my hair smell bad?
Robbie smells her hair No, it smells good, actually

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Robbie: Hey, the goofball brothers!
Tyler: Is it true you're in the middle of a nervous breakdown?
Robbie: What? No!
Petey: Nervous breakdown! Nervous breakdown!
Robbie: Who said that?
Tyler: Everybody's been saying that.
Robbie: Everybody? You're eight years old... the only people you know are your parents!
Tyler: Is it true you're going to end up in a mental institution?
Petey: Cuckoo's nest! Cuckoo's nest!

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Robbie: Hey, psycho - we're not gonna discuss this, OK, it's over. Please get out of my Van Halen t-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up.

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Glenn: Who are you going out with?
Holly: Robbie.
Glenn: Oh good, that guy needs to get laid.
Holly: Excuse me! Just because he's going out with me doesn't mean he's going to get laid. Glenn and Julia look at her All right, he probably will.

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Julia: May I ask what happened with Linda?
Robbie: She wasn't the right one, I guess.
Julia: Did you have any idea she wasn't the right one when you were together?
Robbie: I should have. Uh, I remember we went to the Grand Canyon one time. We were flying there and I'd never been there before and Linda had, so you would think that she would give me the window seat but she didn't and... not that that's a big deal, you know. It's just there were a lot of little things like that. I know that sounds stupid...
Julia: Not at all. I think it's the little things that count.

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Holly: I mean, you know why she's marrying him, don't you?
Robbie: The money thing? Security? A nice house? I guess that's important to some people.
Holly: No, it's not important to some people, Robbie. It's important to ALL people.
Robbie: Really? Well, then I guess I'm in big trouble.

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Andre: Hey, you know what you must do... takes off his jacket to reveal his shirt says RELAX relax; don't do it.

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Glenn: Hey, asswipe, don't go snitching to Julia about this. I know you got a little crush on her, but you gotta face the facts: she'd rather go to bed with a REAL man. Not some poor singing orphan.
Robbie: All right, shithead. I haven't been in a fight since I was in the fifth grade, but I beat the shit out of that kid, so now I'm going to beat the shit out of you. Old guy throws a weak punch at Glenn and misses horribly : Hey, what are you doing, man?
Old Man in Bar: I'm sorry. I used to be much stronger.

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Robbie: That's it, man, starting right now, me and you are going to be free and happy the rest of our lives!
Sammy: I'm not happy. I'm miserable.
Robbie: Wha - what?
Sammy: See... I grew up idolizing guys like Fonzie and Vinnie Barbarino because they got a lot of chicks. You know what happened to Fonzie and Vinnie Barbarino?
Robbie: Yeah, I read that Fonzie wants to be a director and Barbarino, I think... the mechanical bull movie? I didn't see it yet.
Sammy: Their shows got canceled. Because no one wants to see a fifty-year-old guy hitting on chicks.
Robbie: So what are you saying?
Sammy: What I'm saying is all I really want is someone to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be all right.
Old man in bar: Comes up behind him and hugs him Everything is going to be all right.

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Kate: ready to leave for a date Come on, Andy! Move your ass!
Andy: Hang on, hon! I'm watching Dallas! I think J.R. might be dead or something - they shot him!

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Julia: You must be Linda.
Linda: Yeah, that's me, Robbie's fiancÚ. Who are you?
Julia: I'm Julia Sullivan. Would you tell him that I came by to see him?
Linda: Oh yeah, surely will, Jennifer.
Julia: Hey, it's Julia -
Door slams

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Robbie: How did you know that Glenn was the right one?
Julia: The right one, ah... I always just envisioned the right one being someone I could see myself growing old with.
Robbie: Yeah.
Julia: And... Glenn would *be* a really good-looking older man. Like Blake Carrington.
Robbie: I'm gonna probably look like Buddy Hackett.

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Robbie: Sleep it off, pal. All right.
Dave: drunk Hey, you know, wedding singer... Aroooo! trips and falls off the step

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Holly: Robbie, I have to talk to you!
Robbie: I can't talk right now.
Holly: Are you back with Linda?
Robbie: No! Why? Who said that?
Holly: Julia. She went to your house to tell you she was falling for you and Linda answered the door in her underwear! She was so upset, she and Glenn just jumped a plane to Vegas.
Robbie: What do you mean? They're getting married tomorrow!
Holly: Apparently that wasn't soon enough.

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Robbie: singing She loves her
but she loves this guy right here
but she loves somebody else
you just can win
and so it goes until the day you die
this thing called love is going to make you cry. I hate you
I've had the blues
From wretched pranks
One thing's for sure.
Holds microphone to fat man
Fat Man: Love stinks?
Robbie: Love stinks
Yeah yeah
Holds microphone to fat man
Fat Man: Love stinks!
Robbie: Love stinks
Yeah, yeah
holds microphone to lady with sideburns
Sideburns Lady: Love stinks.
Robbie: Love stinks. Yeah yeah.
holds microphone to table 9
Table 9: Love stinks.
Robbie: Love stinks
Yeah yeah. Bride's father punches Robbie, Robbie falls back on a table. Bride's father jumps on him and pushes and pulls him Love stinks
Love stinks
LOVE STINKS!

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Petey: Hey Linda, you're a bitch.
Robbie: Thanks Petey, go back into the house. He might have Tourette Syndrome. We're looking into it.

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Sammy: Somebody left a jacket in the back.
Robbie: That's Julia's jacket. She took off on Notson Street, remember; she said it wasn't jacket whether anymore.
Sammy: Uh-oh... You like her, don't you?
Robbie: No, I don't.
Sammy: Of course you do; she's a great chick with a hot ass.
Robbie: How 'bout this; you talk about her ass again, I'll break your neck.

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Rosie: rapping I said hip hop, a hibbi to da hibbi da hip hip hoppin, ya don't stop-a rockin' to da bang bang boogie say up jump da boogie to da rhythm to da boogie da beat!

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Robbie: Thank you.
Jimmie: No, thank you!
Robbie: For what?
Jimmie: For quitting... or, should I thank Linda? nudges him My business has tripled.
Julia: Well, you've just inspired me to hire a DJ. So thank you.
Jimmie: Well, good luck trying to find a DJ who can move and shake like THIS. wriggles back and foth like a snake slithering

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Petey: dressed as the Slasher I made this for you, Uncle Robbie.
Robbie: takes it Aw, thanks, Freddy Kruger. sees it's the wedding photo of himself and Linda, who he's drawn red devil's horns on That's not nice... Very creative, though

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Robbie: to the boys at the Bar Mitzvah, of Julia Who'd like to dance with this lovely young lady?
Grandpa at Bar Mitzvah: I'd like to do more than *dance* with her! he and his grandson do a high-five

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Holly: Oh, my God... I can't believe I never noticed it before. You've got a thing for Julia.
Robbie: Oh. No, I don't. she gives him a searching look I don't. I think she's a beautiful girl, but she's about to marry that jerk-off.

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Holly: How was your *bottle of rum* last night?
Julia: Did I vomit on you?
Holly: A little on my shoe, but luckily I was wearing your shoes.
Julia: Good.

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Glenn: You better get out of my way, Billy, or you're gonna get hurt.

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Holly: tosses a Rubik's Cube across the room No one will ever solve that

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Robbie: Cindy and Scott are newlyweds! Whoopee-dee-doo!