Finch: God bless the Internet.

Stifler: She called me and asked for my number. .

Stifler:: I say, why don't you guys locate your dicks, remove the shrink wrap, and fucking *use* them! .

Oz: Suck me beautiful. .
College Girl: What did you just say? .
Oz: Suck me beautiful! .
girl laughs.
Oz: Friends call me Nova as in Casanova. .
College Girl: That's pathetic! .
Oz: Jeez you don't have to laugh at me. .

Jim: I would like to make an announcement. There is a beautiful woman masturbating on my bed. .

Jim: You realize we're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us. .

Stifler: What did you cocks do to him? . .
Oz: You came to see me in action? .
Jim: Yeah man, I thought you sounded really good! .
Stifler: Yeah man, I think you need your balls reattached! .

Vicky: I want it to be the right time, the right place... .
Jessica: It's not a space shuttle launch, it's SEX. .

Jim: Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like? .
Kevin: You want to take this one? .
Oz: Like warm apple pie. .
Jim: Yeah? .
Oz: Yeah. .
Jim: Apple pie, huh? .
Oz: Uh huh. .
Jim: McDonald's or homemade? .

Jim's Dad: I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of hesitates masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it stroking the salami, yeah, you know, pounding the old pud. pause I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day. .

On being sensitive.
Oz: You ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and shit. .
Stifler:: I dunno, man, that sounds like a lot of work. . .

Jim: She's gone! Oh my God, she used me. I was used. I was used! Cool! .

Kevin: Separately we are flawed and vulnerable, but together we are the masters of our sexual destiny. .
Jim: imitating dubbed martial-arts dialogue Their tiger-style kung fu is strong, but our dragon-style kung fu will defeat it! .
Kevin: Guys... .
Oz: The Shaolin masters of East and West must unite! Fight! And find out who is number one! .
Kevin: GUYS! I'm serious! .

Stifler's Mom: I got some scotch. .

Finch: Single malt? .
Stifler's Mom: Aged eighteen years. The way I like it. .

Michelle: What's my name? Say my name, bitch! .
Jim: Michelle! Michelle. .

Stifler:: I'll see you guys tonight, in the "No Fucking Section", right? .

talking about masturbation.
Jim's Dad: It's like playing a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun. It can be fun, but it's not a game. .
Jim: Right. .
Jim's Dad: It's not a game. .
Jim: No. .
Jim's Dad: What you want is a partner to return the ball. .

discussing Kevin difficulties saying he love her.
Vicky: Maybe the words aren't that important. It's like, I know he really cares about me, you know even if he can't say if he does. And yeah, he always talks about sex, but that's ok cause he's a guy, right? .
Jessica: He's got a dick, he's a guy. .
Vicky: Right. .

while looking at a picture of Stifler's mom.
Guy #2: Dude that chick's a MILF! .
Guy #1: What to hell is that? .
Guy #2: M-I-L-F Mom I'd Like to Fuck! .
Guy #1: Yeah dude! Yeah! .

On Condoms.
Jim's Dad: Well, they're safer than a tube sock... .

Jessica: You've never had an orgasm? Not even manually? .
Vicky: I've never tried it. .
Jessica: You've never double-clicked your mouse? .

Coach Marshall: I don't want any of you boys thinking, that you're gonna score. You don't score, until you *score*!.

Kevin: after Stifler drinks the tainted beer Hey Stifler, how's the pale ale? .
Stifler: Fuck you! .

Watching Jim's strip tease over the Internet.
Finch: Did not just take out that chair. .
Kevin: Yup, he took out the chair.

Choir singer: to himself Just focus on the music, think melody, let the music be my guide. .
Heather: Yeah, that'd be a start. .

Stifler: Choir chick! What the hell are you doing here? .
Heather: Well, uh, I was asking Chris to the prom. So do you wanna go? .
Oz: Yeah, that would be great. .
Stifler: Well, just don't expect Oz to pay for the limo. .
Oz: Stifler, fuck! I mean, why do you gotta be so insensitive all the time? .
Stifler: What? Whatever. .

Kevin: No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused! From now on, we fight for every man out there who isn't getting laid when he should be! This is our day! This is our time! And, by God, we're not gonna let history condemn us to celibacy! We will make a stand! We will succeed! We will get laid! .

Jim: God... let this be it. .

watching Jim and Nadia over the Internet.

Kevin: He's pullin' out the porn. .
Finch: He's desperate. Jim, just wait till she leaves. .

Jim's Dad: We'll just tell your mother that... we ate it all. .

Jim's Dad: to Jim Now, do you know what a clitoris is? .

Garage Band Member: Go trig boy, it's your birthday. .

Jim: Naudia takes off her underwear Holy shit. .
Finch: HOLY SHIT! .
Garage Band Members Holy shit .
Enthusiastic Guy: enthusiastically Holy shit! .

Stifler: You actually said that? laughs hysterically.
Oz: Shut up! .
Jim: You did better than me Nova. .
Oz: Don't call me that any more. I'm a fraud. .
Stifler: You guys are pathetic. I'm gonna find myself a little hottie. shoutsSUCK ME BEAUTIFUL! walks off, laughing.

Stifler: Hey, Kev, seen shit brick lately? .
Kevin: Why? What did you do to him? .
Stifler: Me? Nothing. I'm the one who ass he kicked. But uh... I'll tell you one thing... I don't think he's gonna have a problem shitting in school anymore. Slipped a little something into his Moccachino. shows a jar of laxatives.

Kevin: If Sherman has sex before I do, I'm gonna be really pissed. .
Jim: Sherman? The Sherminator? .
both laugh.

Nadia: I believe "shaved" is the expression. .

Sherman: I'm a sophisticated sex robot, sent back in time to change the future for one lucky lady. .

Kevin: My brother said by the end of the summer I'll get the big picture. And I see it. No matter what, times change, things are different. But the problem is, I don't want them to be,

Stifler: Jim. Can't you keep your shirt on? You're scaring the chicks away

Jim's Dad: You may be Jimbo, or Jumbo, or Jimbodini to those guys in there, but there are still two people who haven't forgotten where James Emmanuel Levenstein came from. We're awful proud of you son.
Jim: Thanks, Dad.
Jim's Dad: Don't forget your penis cream.

Michelle's Friend: You are so sweet. He *is* special.
Michelle: He's my bitch.

Jim's Dad: to Natalie's Dad Hi, I'm Jim's Dad. You must be the parents of this young lady. I didn't get your daughter's name, but I'm pretty sure my son did.

Stifler thinks champagne is being poured onto his head when he's actually being urinated on from the balcony
Stifler: I can taste the bubbles.

during drive to lake

Stifler: Oh, yeah. The Stifmeister's coming back to Grand Harbor. Deck the halls. Bye-bye, Great Falls. Wipe my ass and lick my balls. It's Stifler time, baby. Whoo-hoo-hoo. Whoo-hoo-hoo.

Jim: I kind of super-glued myself to... uh... myself.

Jim's Dad: Musilage is dangerous territory, and uhh, I would think any adhesive product would have a warning right on the tube.
Jim: I thought it was a, uhh, a lubricant. Ok, I was trying to use lubricant.
Jim's Dad: Oh... oh...
Wheelchair Lady: looking at Pussy Palace Son, couldn’t you have left that disgusting thing at home?
Jim's Dad: Excuse me?
Wheelchair Lady: Well, that kind of material is offensive to me.
Jim's Dad: Ohh, well we're sorry, but uh, but you see my son COULDN'T leave it at home because uhh, he's having a bit of a MEDICAL EMERGENCY?
Jim: That's right. Thanks Dad.
Jim's Dad: Your opinion of his taste in video rentals is no a priority lady. Ok? It's at the bottom of the totem pole. My son is sitting here right now with his hand glued to his penis, but that doesn't mean anything to you does it? Because you dont have a penis. Or maybe you do?

Male EMT: excuse me sir, are you a family member? **asking about jim when he glues himself**
Stifler: FUCK no! This is just too good to miss!
Male EMT: Ok sir, you're just going to have to wait here.

Heather: Hey, Marco, could you get your balls off me? **talking about soccer balls**
Oz: Hey, what the heck's goin' on over there?
Heather: Oh, those are just my flat-mates.

Trumpet Kid: You suck, retard.
Jim: I'm not retarded, I'm a very special boy. rams the kid in the face with his trombone

Michelle: Holy Potatoes.

Jim: Nadia, please don't take this the wrong way - You are everything I... used to want in a woman, and as much as I'm really... really going to regret this, I think I need to be with someone else.
Nadia: You... you want the band geek?
Jim: Nadia, I *am* a band geek. I just never joined the band.

Jim: Nadia will be expecting filet mignon, okay, and all I'm going to be able to give her is rump roast.
Oz: What are you so worried about? You've had experience since Nadia.
Jim: Ah, yes. You would be referring to the flute fetish band geek, who made me her bitch, and ditched me after prom.

talking to a picture of Stifler's Mom
Finch: How did you do that magic you did?

Jim: Was I any good that night?
Michelle: Jeez how could I forget? You sucked. You didn't know what the hell you were doing. But wasn't it fun even though you were so terrible?
Jim: I'm sorry, "terrible?"
Michelle: I've had worse.
Jim: Oh.
Michelle: Oh, sorry. I just... ah... I could give you some pointers. If you want

Jessica: If a guy tells you how many girls he's hooked up with, it's not even close to that. You take that number and divide it by three, then you get the real total. OK, so if Kevin is saying it's been three girls it's more like one or none.
Vicky: None?
Jessica: The rule of three. It's an exact science. Consistent as gravity.

Stifler: When a girl tells you how many guys she's slept with, multiply it by three and that's the real number. Didn't you fuckers learn anything in college?

Jim's Dad: Keep it real homies.

Jim: That's a lot of flutes.

Michelle: Now don't freak out I'm gonna do something to push your threshold.
Jim: Ow that's cold. What is that?
Michelle: I just shoved a trumpet in your ass. Aren't instruments fun?

Stifler: You're a disgrace to men everywhere. I mean, look at the Stifmeister. I got laid 23 times this year, and I'm not counting the hummer I got in the library stacks, baby.
Oz: Here's a new idea for you Stifler. You find a girl, you two become best friends and you don't bother counting how many times you have sex with each other you just laugh at the people who do count.
Stifler: Here's a new idea for you. I'll get you a spoon so you can eat my ass.

Finch: Oh, Jeanine, Jeanine!
Stifler's Mom: Call me Stifler's Mom.
Finch: orgasmic noise STIFLER'S MO-O-O - OM!

Stifler: There's little hearts on her panties. There's little hearts on her panties.

Michelle: Okay, pretend I'm a hot girl. Now what do you want to do?
Jim: I want to feel your boobs.
Michelle: No, you dingbat. You don't just go groping away. You gotta pre-heat the oven before you stick in the turkey.

Stifler: Holy shit dude. I found a dildo. Dildo. Dildo. Dildo. Big blue rubber dicks for everyone. The people demand rubber dicks.
Jim: What are you doing?
Stifler: Looking for more lesbian artifacts. hands Jim the dildo
Jim: Where did you get this?
Stifler: Finch's ass.

Jim: Which room, man? Which room?
Stifler: I can't remember shit, man, I was too excited! I'm in a lesbian stronghold.

Stifler: Ladies, I am down with the funky shit.

Noticing the women's natural attraction to Oz
Jim: Amazing.
Stifler: Yes, the force is strong in that one.

Jim: This is my first time, since my first time.

Sherman: I am the Sherminator, a sophisticated Sex-Robot sent through time to change the future for one lucky lady.
Nadia: And I am lucky lady?
Sherman: Nadia, you've been targeted for Shermination. Come with me if you want to live.

Stifler's brother shows off two girls he picked up
Stifler: Brilliant. You found Lesbians. scoffs
Stifler: Good luck trying to break through that force field.
Danielle: Lesbians?
Amber: We never said that.
Stifler: What?
Amber: We never said that.
Stifler: Oh... Oh, man. I will do anything... ANYTHING to sleep with you, chicks, okay? I'll grab every guy's ass in this room. I'll caress it even. I'll even shave some ass if they need it! sounds of revulsion from young men at party Oh, yeah! You heard me! I will kiss everybody here! Dudes, chicks, everybody! Because I am comfortable with my sexuality!

Jim's Dad sees Jim looking at pictures of Nadia
Jim's Dad: Ah, yes. The one that got away.
Jim: Yeah.
Jim's Dad: Yeah. Well, evidently you two made quite the handsome couple on the Internet... Oh, I didn't see it. It, uh, was brought up at a P.T.A. meeting.

Stifler: I got peed on!

Kevin: So, how are the twig and giggleberries this morning?
Jim: Oh, very colorful, my dick looks like a paint by number.
Stifler: Jim, you're the only guy I know who's dick needs an instruction manual.

the two "lesbians" are making the guys give each other hand jobs
Stifler: Its okay. Its okay. I know what I have to do. starts undoing his shorts I have to keep this party going. I'm taking one for the team.
Finch and Jim run away
Finch: I AM NOT TOUCHING THAT.
Jim: PUT THAT THING AWAY STIFLER.
Stifler: What's wrong with you guys? We almost had them. Why can't you guys be team players, huh? I was the one doing all the sacrificing.

Stifler: answers the phone after awkward situation with Jim and Finch Stiffler's palace of love... STRAIGHT love.

Jim is kissing Michelle's collar bone
Michelle: Good Jim. Ooh, you're making me wet.
Jim: Holy shit, really?
Michelle: No, I was just saying that so you could practice.
Jim: 'course

Jim: This is good. This is good. Obviously.
Michelle: Oh. Gilligan's Island, Mr. Howell.
Jim: Eh, what?
Michelle: You've gotta control yourself and think of something non-sexual. I haven't even touched you yet and you're turning into the Sears Tower.

Stifler's brother: STEVE. Those are my lesbians.

Heather: On the phone to Oz Oz what should I do now?
Stifler: Also on the phone pretending to be Oz Oh Heather baby. Why don't you tell me my dick is as big as Stifler's.
Oz: Stifler get off.
Stifler: I am getting off listening to the two of you. Keep going.

Stifler: Where are the Fuckin' females?

Stifler: Oh God, I kissed Jim.

Stifler: him and Jim have just kissed passionately, trying to get the girls to do each other Dude, you're a fuckin' LOUSY kisser.
Jim: What? That's not fair! I wasn't TRYING there. [to the girls] I'm really bett...
Danielle: No judgment.
Jim: Wait a second, you were trying?
Stifler: Fuck, no!
Jim: You WERE trying!
Stifler: YOU were trying! Oh no I kissed Jim!

over the radio
Stifler's brother: Steve the copwatch thing is horse shit. Man this sucks.
Danielle: Who is it out there?
Stifler's brother: It's the Stifmeister baby.
Amber: Is that so?

Jim: That counted.
Stifler: That totally counted.
Danielle: That's the way to kiss you're mother.
Stifler: to Finch] DON'T YOU SAY ANYTHING.

Heather: Interrupted during phone call Marco can you get your balls off me?
Oz: Heather what the hell is going on over there?

Stifler: You stay the fuck away from that ficus. That is a jiz-free ficus.

Michelle: This one time... um, here

Trucker: Squeeze his ass son, you'll like it.

Jim: What are you doing here?
Stifler's Brother: Pussy man, I'm here for the pussy.
Jim: Take a number.

Stifler and Finch are fighting after Stifler found Finch in his mom's room
Jim: Okay, guys, we went through this last summer, all right? Finch got a black eye and Stifler got six stitches
Stifler: Cause he fuckin' bit me!
Finch: You touch me, I bite.

Little Boy: into walky-talky Red leader, what's your position?
Stifler: on walky-talky] I'm touchin' his ass, I'm touchin' his ass, I'm touchin his ass, I'm touchin' his ass... Little Boy: Mommy!

Jim: Do you know where I could find Michelle Flaherty?
Trumpet Kid: Guests bring food. Food attracts animals. This one time, a bear came. And then the bear had to be destroyed. Which means they shot it in the head with a rifle, and killed it, and it died.
Jim: Yeah, you must know Michelle.

Danielle: Jim has Amber's dildo while under the bed Johnny West is missing

Nadia: Fuck me, geek!
Sherman: Affirmative!

Stifler: Finch, fist yourself!

Male EMT: when Stifler jumps onto the ambulance where Jim is being treated Excuse me, sir, are you a family member?
Stifler: Fuck no, this is just too good to miss!
Male EMT: OK sir, you're just gonna have to wait here. All right?
Stifler: ambulance drives away Ha, ha! This summer's turned out to be great!

Stifler: after Finch got into Stifler's mom's car and driving off Hey, where's shit-break?
Jim: Uh, at the movies.
Kevin: Took the bus.
Oz: Coffee.
Stifler: Wait a second... Who the fuck was in that car?

Finch: Go Fish
Kevin: Finch, we're playing gin!
Finch: Oh, well... gin

Stifler: How many girls did you sleep with this year?
Jessica: Wouldn't you like to know.
Stifler: Actually Yeah I would

Jim: Alright, Stifler. Um, this... this is a little, uh, difficult to explain. Look, you're... you're okay. You're okay. I... I... I mean, uh... I mean, I like you.
Stifler: Yeah, great. You can blow me after practice. I'm working, dude.
Jim: Well, dude.
Stifler: Jim and Stifler are both on the tackling sled Come on. Work it! Hustle!
Jim: See my mom didn't know that there was a misunderstanding.
Stifler: Push it! Move it! Come on!
Jim: You're not invited!
Stifler: Hold! Jim and Stifler jump off the sled Dude, how the hell do you even think you're getting married? I've been looking out for your sex life since high school.
Jim: You what?
Stifler: Ohhhh! Ohh! The first tits this guy ever saw were because of me. The first girl he ever hooked up with was at my party at my cottage. That girl is the girl he's marrying. The Stif-man showed him the way. Can I get a 'Hallelujah'?
Football Team: Hallelujah, Stifler!
Stifler: But, my fuckers, this mofo right here does not want the Stifmeister, the grand fucking facilitator to attend the wedding. Who sucks donkey dick?
Football Team: chanting Jim sucks donkey dick!
Jim: The answer is no. Okay? I'm sorry!
Stifler: I can dance.
Jim: What?
Stifler: I can dance.

Stifler: Dickhead. You do not send shit to my office at school.
Jim: Oh, hey, Stifler. Why don't you come in and make yourself comfortable?
Stifler: Your letter made a great impression on Coach Marshall when he read it. Let me just refresh your memory, partner. 'Dear Steve, I will be forever in your debt if you teach me to dance like you did in the gay bar'.
Jim: I put serious thought into that letter.

Stifler: It's time for me to boom-boom with the bridesmaids, Finch-fucker. 'Cause I'm gonna hang out with my wang out, and rock out with my cock out

Jim's Dad: Why do you think, uh, Michelle, they call it "making love"?
Michelle: I don't know. I just call it "boning".
Jim's Dad: Boning? Well, when-when you're doing other things with Jim, when you're not... um... boning, how does he make you feel?
Michelle: Horny, like I wanna bone.
Jim's Dad: But-but, we can't be boning from sunrise to sunset, dear.
Michelle: Oh, you've never tried it?
Jim's Dad: I certainly have. I have. I've boned... from sunrise, uh, right through brunch on more than one occasion.

Finch: Now, Jim, let me handle this. These are my people.
Stifler: They're gay?
Finch: No, you bleating imbecile. They have style, they're cultured, they're sophisticated.
Stifler: So, they're gay

Jim: Well, Michelle, we did it. Happy graduation.

Finch: Oh, Stifler's Mom!

Finch: Stifler's Mom...
Stifler's Mom: You've got to know I'm over you, Finchy.
Finch: Well, as they say, we'll always have Paris.
Stifler's Mom: And the pool table.
Finch: And the car.
Stifler's Mom: And the two-room suite I have upstairs...
Finch: Oh, man. Let's go!

Michelle: How did a little perv like you, turn into such a great guy?
Jim: How did a little nympho like you, turn into such a great girl?
Michelle: I'm still a nympho.
Jim: Well, I'm still a perv.

Steve Stifler: Fuckin' right, doggie!

Stifler: Dick. 'Fucking hate not hating you.
Finch: I did fuck your mom. smiling Twice...
Stifler: Hoo... That's better fucker.

Stifler: Hey, Finch, what's the capital of Thailand? Hits Finch in the groin Bang-cock.

Finch: Grandmotherfucker.
Stifler: Motherfucker.
Finch: smiling Yes, I am.

Michelle: Love isn't just a feeling. It's shaving your balls

Jim's Dad: Son, step away from the animal...

Steve Stifler: If you'll excuse me, I have some shit to attend to.

Michelle: So Finch, what will you do with your fancy NYU diploma?
Finch: I'll frame it. Then I'll write my memoirs.

Kevin and Finch are looking for Jim's grandmother
Kevin: Guys, what are you doing here?
John: The old bitch sucked, so we ditched her.

after Stifler has sex with Jim's grandmother
Kevin: You're a hero.
Stifler: Pussy is pussy.

Kevin: raising a glass to toast Gentlemen, to the next step...
Jim: Oh will you stop with that "next step" bullshit.
Finch: Put down your glass.

Michelle: Wow, Steve Stifler just gave a rose to a girl and meant it. It's like, monkeys learning to use tools for the first time.

Stifler: My dick looks like a corn dog and I've got cake all over my balls.

Stifler: Happy "Fuck Day", Ass Mouth.

to Stifler, after he has been 'caught with his pants down'
Grandma: Focus

Jim and Michelle are discussing Stifler
Michelle: Jim, he's not doing it to be nice; he's doing it to bone Cadence.
Jim: Look, maybe we should give him a chance. You know, I think - I think that underneath all the "fucks" and "shits" and "blow me's", there's a very sensitive person who's just thirsty for acceptance. That's... that's what I think.
Michelle: Oh, Jim... you gotta stop masturbating... it's melting your brain.

Stifler: It's on like Donkey Kong, beeyotch.

Jim is nervous before his wedding
Jim: Honesty, now- Honestly, would you have passed up sex with Nadia?
Jim's Dad: Why? Did she say something?
Jim: Hypothetically, Dad.
Jim's Dad: Oh, hypothetically. Well, I mean, you know, Jim, I'm a married man. I'm...
Jim: If-If-If you weren't married.
Jim's Dad: She's a college girl.
Jim: If you were a college guy.
Jim's Dad: In a heartbeat. Oh yeah.

Cadence: So, can I see the ring?
Stifler: Nope. Promised to keep it safe. It's not leaving my pocket.
Cadence: Okay, Frodo.

Stifler: about having sex with Cadence I'm gonna be like, "You like this shit Momma?" And then she'll be like, "Fuckin' right doggie. Suck on my nipples like, like you're milkin' a cow."

Stifler: chanting Gonna hava sex witha Caadence.

Stifler: You hooked up with one other girl for what, ten seconds and you passed up sex with Nadia, fucking stupid. You're like a blind man picking out his favorite porno.

Stiffler:: I eat the shit here!

Stifler: Told ya that guy wanted to fuck me.

Bear: SO Stiffy, What do you think?
Stifler: What the fuck Buffalo Bill?
Bear: What? Too much pink?
Stifler: It puts the dress in the drawer and does as it's told.
Bear: Oh now that's fucked up... THAT'S FUCKED UP!

Harold: We're gonna need a mop.

Stifler: Hey, Mr. Party Guy, how ya doin'? Ya havin' a good time? Can I get ya a Gin and Tonic? Ring-Ring, oh hold on. Hello? Yeah? Haha! It's for you, it's GET TO WORK, FUCKER!

Stifler: Shhiittt, I got a frosted ass crack! Hey Finch, you want this for here, or to go?
Finch: "A witty saying proves nothing," -Voltaire.
Stifler: "Suck my dick!" -Ron Jeremy.

Stifler: Are you saying I'm impolite?
Jim: "Impolite" would be an improvement.

Stifler: What is this, a dance off?

Finch: Voltaire can suck on my balls!

Finch: Love life, get paid, then get laid. That is the basic philosophy of... The Finch-meister!

Stifler: Observe the fuckin' Stifmeister, what is his defining characteristic?
Jim: He uses the F-word excessively?
Stifler: grins Thanks man.

Finch: Stifler, why in the world are you focused on me ?
Stifler: Because I'm surprised to see you don't have tits.