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West Deptford High School Music Dept. Fun Pages.........

What are you crazy??!!! Why are you looking here??? We're still trying to get up and running! Get a life, would you????




REMEMBER......Noone is safe from ridicule....





What is the difference between a french horn and a lawnmower? You can tune a lawnmower.

What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop a clarinet into little pieces.

What is the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chainsaw? The grip.

What is the difference between an accordion and a trampoline? You are supposed to take off your shoes before jumping on the trampoline.

How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? 50....1 to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do it better".

What do lead trumpet players use for birth control? Their personality.

What's the difference between a viola and a violin? A violin burns faster. (The viola burns longer!)

A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor askes the violist, "What's wrong?" The violist answers, "The second oboe loosened one of my tuning pegs." The conductor replied, "I admit, that seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you crying?" To which the violist replied, "He won't tell me which one!!"



GLOSSARY OF MUSICAL TERMS (and bad definitions...!)



ACCIDENTALS: Wrong notes

AGNUS DEI: A famous female church composer

ALLEGRO: Leg fertilizer

CADENCE: When everybody hopes you're going to stop - but you don't

CLAUSULA: Mrs. Santa

CUT TIME: When you're going twice as fast as everybody else in the ensemble

METRONOME: A dwarf who lives in the city

SANCTA: Clausula's husband

SUPERTONIC: Schweppes



Two men were at a bar and one said, " Hey, I had my IQ checked and it was 175, The other responded " That's a coincidence so is mine, what do you do for a living?" " I'm a physicist." was the reply. Again came "that's a coincidence so am I." This was overheard at a nearby table and these two compared IQ's at 160 and were surprised that they were both brain surgeons. At another nearby table one man despondently said to the other "Did you hear that? I had my IQ checked and it was only 52." The other said, rather enthusiastically, "That's a coincidence. So is mine. What instrument do you play????"

What would a musician do if he won a million dollars? Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

How many jazz musicians does it take to change a lightbulb? 1. None. Jazz musicians can't afford lightbulbs. 2. "Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"

What's the definition of a minor second? Two oboes playing in unison.

Did you hear about the successful hunter's secret to attracting so many ducks? He paid an oboe player to go along with him and play.

How do you get an oboist to play A flat? Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.

Top Ten Reasons To Play The Oboe

10. People pay attention long enough to figure out what the heck that thing is you're playing.
9. Learning to transpose music as you play (from reading flute parts).
8. The case is a good weapon is emergencies; bigger than a flute case, can act as a shield and yet is portable!
7. If you lose your music, the bells always have the same part.
6. If you lose you music, the flutes always have the same part.
5. If you lose your music, somebody at some point in the piece has the same part!!
4. You can always hide in the clarinet section.
3. No one cares if you're not heard.
2. You always get your own stand.
1. No Competition!! (At least, not in the same band.)


Five Reasons Not To Play the Oboe

5. Oboe reeds are more expensive than clarinet and sax reeds
4. Having to learn to transpose music as you play (because there's not an oboe part in at least half the pieces the band will perform!!)
3. Having to explain that it's an oboe not a clarinet every single day. (It will also be incumbent upon you to explain what the water is for. Only every other day but it takes longer to explain why you have to soak your reed in water instead of using spit, especially for regular reed instrument players.)
2. Flutes hitting you in the shoulder.
1. Cutting your tounge on the reed.


What's the best use for an oboe? Using it to light a bassoon on fire.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the bassoon recital.

How many flutists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but he'll spend $5,000 on a Sterling silver bulb.

How do you know if a flutist is at your door? The doorbell is out of tune.

How can you tell if a 747 loaded with flute players has just landed? The jet engines stop, but the whining continues!

Why do clarinetists place their cases on the dashboard? So they can park in handicapped spaces.

What do a clarinet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

What's the difference between 1st and 2nd Clarinet? A half-step. And the difference between the 1st and 3rd? A minute and a half.

How many saxophonists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before finding just the right one.

How do you make a chainsaw sound like a baritone sax? Add vibrato.

Why do bagpipe players march when they play? To try to get away from the sound.

If you threw a guitar player and a harmonica player off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? The guitar player. The harp would have to stop halfway down to ask what key they're in.

A violinist and a violist fall off a tall building. Who hits the ground first? The violinist; the violist stops to ask directions.

How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune? The bow is moving

What's the difference between a violist and a dog? The dog knows when to stop scratching.

How many viola players does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? Ten - one to stir the batter and nine to peel the M&Ms

If there was a conductor and a violist standing in the middle of the road, which would you hit first? The conductor: business before pleasure. As if we could get that lucky!

Whats the definition of a canon? Two viola players trying to play the same part.

Then there was the bass player who was so bad that even the section noticed!!

How do you make a double bass sound in-tune? Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.

How do you get an electric guitarist to turn down? Put sheet music in front of him. How do you get him to turn off? Put notes on it.

How can you tell if a guitar player is at your door? The knocking gets louder.

How do you get a bass player off your doorstep? Pay for the pizza.

What's the best way to play a banjo? With a hacksaw.

What's the definition of "perfect pitch"? When you toss the banjo in the dumpster and it lands on the accordion.

What is worse than a banjo? Banjos

Conductor: "Guys, I need you to play with more dynamics!" One of the trumpet players: "But boss, that's already as loud as we can play!"

Why did the trumpet player play a loud, blaring jazz solo during a slow, soft symphonic movement? Because the part was marked tacit, and he thought it said "Take it!"

How are trumpets like pirates? They are both murder on the high C's.

Three famous trumpet players are up in a airplane. One of them says, "I'll throw out a 100 dollar bill and make someone very happy." The one next to him says, "I'll throw out two 50 dollar bills, and make two people very happy." The other one said, "I'll throw five 20's out the door, and make five people happy." The pilot, who was their conductor, said, "Why don't you all three jump, and make the whole band very happy?"

What is the pre-programmed message on a lead trumpet player's Emergency MedAlert Button? "HELP! I'M PLAYING...AND I CAN'T CUT OFF!"

If you are a stone's throw away from a trumpeter what should you do? Throw stones.

What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet? About three decibels.

How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn? Stick your hand in the bell and miss a bunch of notes.

Conductor: "Back to bar one." French hornist: "My part doesn't have numbers."

Why is a dead snake in the road more tragic than a dead trombonist in the road? The snake may have been on the way to a recording session.

What do you call a guy who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't? A gentleman.

How can you tell that a kid on a playground is a trombonist's kid? He can't swing and he complains about the slide.

What kind of calander does a trombonist use for his gigs? Career-at-a-Glance.

A trombonist just died and is on his way to heaven. He is feeling great, for he thinks he has never to play that damn instrument again. When he visits the Holy Announcement Board, he sees that the rehearsal of the Holy Orchestra is to be at 4p.m. on Clouds 30-40. Already pissed, he goes there and sees a giant orchestra, consisting of 1 million violins, 800,000 violas, 600,000 cellos, 400,000 basses, 50,000 each woods, 40,000 trumpets, 10,000 timpani, but he just cannot find any trombones. Then after a while he sees one lonely trombonist who is really happy to get company. The piece starts and about a million violins start playing a soft ppp, then about 800,000 violas come in, then the 600,000 cellos, then 400,000 basses, then 50,000 clarinets, 50,000 oboes and bassons, 40,000 trumpets and everything is still at p. Then comes the first cue for the 10,000 timpani and now, finally, there is the first cue for the 2 trombones. They play their first note and the conductor breaks up, screaming "Trombones, too loud!"

What is a trombone? A slide whistle with delusions of grandeur!

What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone? On and Off.

How do you call a baritone player? Euphonium.

What do you do if you run over a euphonium? Back up.

What are you called if you're a really bad trumpet player? A treble clef baritonist.

What's the range of a tuba? About 20 yards if you've got a good arm

Tuba player: "Did you hear my last recital?" Friend: "I hope so."

A symphony was performing Beethoven's 9th in a park one afternoon, but it was so windy that the musicians had to tie their music to the stands. When the tubas finished playing their part in movement 1, they decided, since they had 2 movements of rests, to sneak off to the pub across the street. So they sat in the pub, downed a few, and listened to the orchestra. When they heard the pickups to their part they threw money on the counter and stumbled into the street. They could barely keep from falling over as the ran to pick up their tubas, but even worse, they couldn't untie the music. They were pulling and tugging but the string was so tight that they fell over from the effort. Just then, the conductor looked back and thought, "Oh lord, it's the bottom of the 9th, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded!"

What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test? Drool.

What do you call a guy who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.

Johnny says to his mom: "I want to be a drummer when I grow up." Mom: "But Johnny, you can't do both."

How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando? Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.

Why did they say that the pianist had fingers like lightning? They never struck the same place twice.




Band Room Sayings

(last names have been omitted to protect the innocent!!!....sure!)