"FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF"

by

John Hughes


This script is not for publication or reproduction. No one is authorized to dispose of same.  If lost or destroyed, please notify Script Department.



Property of:

PARAMOUNT PICTURES CORPORATION          SHOOTING SCRIPT
5555 Melrose Avenue                     July 24, 1985
Los Angeles, California 90038

Copyright 1985 Paramount Pictures Corporation




  1  BLACK SCREEN                                                  1

MAIN TITLES
IT'S SILENT. A BEAT...AND AN EXPLOSION OF SOUND.  A HOUSEHOLD IN THE MORNING. KIDS GETTING READY FOR SCHOOL. CLOCK RADIOS. KITCHEN APPLIANCES. SHOWERS. FIGHTING. PEOPLE YELLING. DOG BARKING. APPLIANCES BUZZING. CAR HORNS. IT SOUNDS JUST LIKE YOUR HOUSE DID. STREAMS OF ROCK'N ROLL FADE IN AND OUT. HUEY LEWIS TO LIONEL RITCHIE TO HUSKER DU. SURROUND MAKES IT FEEL LIKE YOU'RE IN THE ROOM. AN AURAL TOUR OF A HOUSE ON A SCHOOL MORNING. BEGINING IN THE KITCHEN AND MOVING UPSTAIRS.

FATHER'S VOICE (TOM)
Where's my wallet?!

SEVEN YEAR OLD BOY (TODD)
YOU IDIOT!!

TWELVE YEAR OLD GIRL (KIMBERLY)
MOM!

TODD
SHUT-UP!

EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL (JEANIE)
I NEED A TOWEL!!

TOM
JOYCE!

KIMBERLY
(whispers, sadistic)  When you turn ten, your head's going to swell up real big like a watermelon and we're going to have to put you to sleep like they do with a dog.

TODD
MOM!

TOM
JOYCE!!

JEANIE
WHO PISSED ON THE TOILET SEAT!? MOTHER!!

TOM
Where's Mom?

TODD
Is my head going to swell up?

TOM
What?!

JEANIE
OH, MY GOD! THE TOILET PAPER'S ALL WET!!!

MOTHER (JOYCE)
(screams) TOM!

The house falls dead SILENT. We hear footsteps thundering through the house. A TENSE STRAIN OF MUSIC FADES UP.

TODD
What's that?

KIMBERLY
Wait! Hold still!

TODD
What?!

KIMBERLY
You heads starting to swell up!!

Todd screams. We hear the sound of Tom's footsteps running through the kitchen, down the hall, up the stairs, up the hallway. A door open.

TOM
(breathless) What's the matter?

JOYCE
(worried) It's Ferris!

TOM
What's wrong?

JOYCE
(snaps) What's wrong? For Christ's sake! Look at him!

2  CLOSE-UP. FERRIS                                              2
An eighteen year-old boy. He's staring lifelessly at CAMERA. His mouth's open. His eyes are bugged-out. His tongue is fat and dry in his mouth. He's laying in bed, on his side.

3  INT. BOY'S BEDROOM                                            3
Ferris' parents, TOM and JOYCE BUELLER are standing at bedside. They're in their late forties, early fifties. Handsome, upper-middle class parents. They're both dressed for work.

TOM
Ferris?

JOYCE
He doesn't have a fever. But he says his stomach hurts and he's seeing spots.

4  CLOSE-UP. FERRIS                                              4
His lifeless eyes blink.

5  INT. BEDROOM. PARENTS                                         5
Tom bends down and touches Ferris' forehead.

TOM
What's the matter, Ferris?

JOYCE
Feel his hands. They're cold and clammy.

Tom takes one of Ferris' hands.

TOM
(discreetly)  Should you call the doctor?

JOYCE
(whispers) He doesn't want me to.

TOM
Why don't you want Mom to call the doctor?

Ferris exhales loudly. He tries to speak but all he can manage is a choked gasp.

TOM
What?

Ferris tries again.

FERRIS
(raspy)  Don't make a fuss. I'm fine. I'll get up.

He starts to get up. Joyce gently pushes him back down.

FERRIS
I have a test today. I have to take it. I want to get into a good college so I can have a fruitful life...

JOYCE
You're not going to school like this. (to Tom) Maybe I should call the office and tell them I won't be in.

FERRIS
I'm okay, Mom. I feel perfectly...Oh, God!

He's gripped by a seizure. His body stiffens and he chokes. His older sister, JEANIE, walks into the room. She's dressed for school. She's cute and stuck-up. A major pill.

JEANIEJEAN
Oh, fine. What's this? What's his problem?

JOYCE
He doesn't feel well.

JEANIE
Yeah, right. Dry that one out and you can fertilize the lawn.

TOM
That's enough, Jeanie.

JEANIE
You're not falling for this, are you? Tell me you're not falling for this.

FERRIS
Is that Jeanie? I can't see that far. Jeanie?

JEANIE
Pucker up and squat, Ferris.

JOYCE
(annoyed) Thank you, Jeanie. Get to school.

JEANIE
(angry, defeated)  You're really letting him stay home? I can't believe this. If I was bleeding out my eyes, you guys'd make me go to school. It's so unfair.

FERRIS
Please don't be upset with me, Jeanie. Be thankful that you're fit and have your health. Cherish it.

JEANIE
(to herself)  Oh, I wanna puke.

She glares at Ferris. Her eyes are mascara and vengence. She slips out of the room. Ferris' brother, TODD and sister, KIMBERLY peek into the room.

KIMBERLY
Myocardial infarction?

JOYCE
Get your stuff. Daddy'll be right down.

KIMBERLY
Syphilitic meningitus? That would be a huge family embarrassment.

TOM
Get downstairs!

KIMBERLY
If he dies, I got dibs on his stereo. 

She turns sharply and exits.

TODD
(worried) Dad? Does my head look alright?

JOYCE
Get downstairs! Now!

TODD
Just answer me one question! Is it swelling up? Kim said it was going to get as big as...

KIMBERLY (OC)
A WATERMELON!

TODD
(yells out the room) Shut-up!

JOYCE
Get downstairs! NOW!

Todd backs out of the room.

FERRIS
I'll be okay. I'll just sleep. Maybe I'll have an aspirin around noon.

JOYCE
(to Ferris) I'm showing houses to the family from California today but I'll be in the area. My office'll know where I am, if you need me.

TOM
I'll check in with you, too.

FERRIS
It's nice to know I have such loving, caring parents. You're both very special people.

6  CU. FERRIS                                                    6
He acknowledges Tom with a pathetic flutter of his eyelids.

7  INT. BEDROOM. JOYCE                                           7
She strokes Ferris' hair.

JOYCE
I hope you feel better, pumpkin.

She leans down and kisses his forehead. Tom pats his shoulder.

TOM
Get some rest.

8  CU. FERRIS                                                    8
Ferris lets out a wheeze. His glassy eyes follow his parents to the door.

JOYCE (OC)
We love you, sweetie.

TOM (OC)
Call if you need us.

They close the door. The lock clicks. Ferris' eyes shift from the door to CAMERA. A sly, little smile crawls across his lips.

FERRIS
They bought it.

The MTV theme music ROARS IN.

9  CU. TV SCREEN                                                 9
The TV at the foot of Ferris' bed. The MTV logo is playing.

10  INT. BEDROOM                                                 10
Ferris yanks open the drapes. The pall of the sickroom disappears in the brilliant glow of morning sunlight.

FERRIS
Incredible! One of the worst performances of my career and they never doubted it for a second. (looks out the window) What a beautiful day!

He turns from the window.

FERRIS
Parents always fall for the clammy hands. It's physical evidence of illness. It's a good, non-specific symptom. Parents are generally pretty hip to the fever scams. And to make them work you have to go a hundred and one, hundred and two. You get a nervous mother and you end up in a doctor's office and that's worse than school.

He flips on his stereo and fills the room with the MTV broadcast. A NEW SONG begins.

FERRIS
Fake a stomach cramp and when you're doubled over, moaning and wailing, just lick your palms. It's a little stupid and childish but then so is high school. Right?

He equalizes the sound a little.

FERRIS
This is my ninth sick day with semester. If I go for ten, I'm probably going to have to barf up a lung. So, I absolutely must make this one count.

He exits into the hallway.

11  INT. BATHROOM                                                11
Ferris walks into the bathroom. It's littered with JEANIE's debris. He turns on the shower water.

FERRIS
I don't care if you're fifty five or seven, everybody needs a day off now and then. It's a beautiful day. How can I be expected to handle high school?

He bends down OUT OF FRAME as he loses his briefs. He pops up.

FERRIS
I do actually have a test. That wasn't bullshit.

He steps into the shower. Through the pebbled glass of the shower door we see Ferris' outline.

FERRIS
That I care about it was.

12  INT. BATHROOM. SHOWER STALL.                                 12
Inside the shower. Ferris' hair is standing straight up. It's moulded into a fin with shampoo.

FERRIS
It's on European socialism. I mean, really. What's the point? I'm not European. I don't plan to be European. So, who gives a shit if they're socialists? They could be fascist anarchists and it still wouldn't change the fact that I don't own a car.

He turns the shower head around and uses it like a microphone.

FERRIS
(sings) WELL SHAKE IT UP, BABY, TWIST AND SHOUT...

13  INT. HALLWAY. LATER                                          13
Ferris comes out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. He's drying his hair with another of a different color.

FERRIS
Not that I condone fascism. Or and "isms". "Isms", in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an "ism". He should believe in himself. John Lennon said it on his first solo album. "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me." A good point there. Afterall, he was the Walrus.

He opens a linen closet and tosses the towel in it.

FERRIS
I could be the Walrus and I'd still have to bum rides off people.

He passes CAMERA and goes into his room.

FERRIS (OC)
I'm not very political? Let me put that into perspective...

14  INT. BEDROOM                                                 14

Ferris tosses the towel he's dried hair with on the bed.

FERRIS
My uncle went to Canada to protest the war, right? On the Fourth of July he was down with my aunt and he got drunk and told my Dad he felt guilty he didn't fight in Vietnam. So I said, "What's the deal, Uncle Jeff? In wartime you want to be a pacifist and in peacetime you want to be a soldier. It took you twenty years to find out you don't believe in anything?"  (snaps his fingers) Grounded. Just like that. Two weeks. (pause) Be careful when you deal with old hippies. They can be real touchy.

He opens his door.

15  INT. CLOSET                                                  15
The door opens and Ferris rifles through his shirts.

FERRIS
My mother was a hippie. But she lost it. She got old. If she listens to the White Album now? She doesn't hear music, she hears memories. Nostalgia is her favorite drug. It'll probably be mine, too. I hope not.

He finds a shirt he likes. He steps back from the closet and puts it on. He drops the towel.

16  INT. BEDROOM                                                 16

He walks across the room to his dresser. He opens his underwear drawer. There's an old model of a submarine on the top of the dresser. He picks it up.

FERRIS
In eighth grade a friend of mine made a bong out of one of these. The smoke tasted like glue.

He pulls out a pair of underwear. He gets dressed as he speaks.

FERRIS
His name is Garth Volbeck. He's a serious outsider. Not a bad guy, I like him. I'm probably his only friend. I do what I can for him. I mean, if I was him, I'd appreciate it. Do unto others, right? Anyway, his mother owns a gas station. His father's dead and his sister's rumored to be a prostitute, which is complete bullshit. She only puts out so people will hang out with her. It's sad but I don't hold it against her. Better to hold it against the guys who use her and don't care about her. (pause) My parents never allowed Garth over here. It was because of his family. Mainly his older brother. He's in jail. I could see them not wanting his brother here because he is a registered psycho. I wouldn't want him here. I once watched the guy eat a whole bowl of artificial fruit just so he could see what it was like to have his stomach pumped. But Garth isn't his brother. It isn't his fault that his brother's screwed-up. Alot of fights with the parents on that point. I always felt for Garth. I was sleeping at his house once and I was laying on the dark worrying that his brother was going to come in and hack me to death with an ax and I heard Garth crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said, "Nothing". ... Nothing was wrong. There was no specific thing he was crying about. In fact, he wasn't really even aware that he was crying. He just cried himself to sleep every night. It was a habit. The guy's so conditioned to grief that if he doesn't feel it, he can't sleep. How could you possibly dump on guy who has to deal with that kinda shit? My parents acknowledge the trudge of the situation and I'm sure that deep down, they do feel for him but still the guy's banned from our house.

He looks at himself in the mirror on the back of his closet door. He doesn't like what he's wearing. He continues his speech as he disrobes.

FERRIS
Unfortunately, now my parents have a legit argument. Garth doesn't need his brother to give him a rep anymore. He's getting one on his own. He's lost. It's over for him. He's eighteen. Gone from school. Gone from life. His legacy is a gas station.

17  INT. HOUSE. STAIRCASE                                        17
Ferris comes down the stairs. He's wearing a completely different outfit.

FERRIS
One very serious danger is playing sick is that it's possible to believe your own act.

18  INT. KITCHEN                                                 18
Ferris comes into the kitchen and crosses to the refrigerator.

FERRIS
That and boredom. Alot of people ditch and feel great for about an hour. Then they realize there's nothing to do. TV and food. I myself have ditched and gotten so bored I did homework. Figure that shit out.

He takes a sip out of a bottle of orange juice.

FERRIS
You have to plan things out before you take the day off. Otherwise you get all nervous worrying about what to do and all you get is grief and the whole point is to take it easy, cut loose and enjoy.

He crosses to the pantry.

FERRIS
You blow your day and at about three o'clock, when everybody's out of school, you're going to wish you'd gone to school so you could be out having fun.

He emerges from the pantry with a handful of Oreos.

FERRIS
Avoid the misery. Plan your day. Do it right.

19  INT. FAMILY ROOM                                             19
Ferris walks in and flops down in an armchair.

FERRIS
There's alot of pressure at work in my age group. And it's not always recognized.

He reaches over and picks up the telephone. He sets it in his lap.

FERRIS
Some guy whose hair is falling out and his stomach's hanging over his belt and everything he eats makes him fart, he looks at someone like me and thinks, "This kid's young and strong and has a full, rich future ahead of him, what's he got to bitch about?"

20  CU. PHONE                                                    20
He punches out a number.

21  INT. FAMILY ROOM. FERRIS                                     21
He remote controls the TV on.

FERRIS
That's just one reason why I need a day off every now and then.

22  EXT. ANOTHER HOUSE                                           22
A sleek, modern house on a couple of deeply wooded acres. A prime house in a prime location. A telephone rings OVER.

23  INT. BOY'S BEDROOM                                           23
It's a dark, dreary sick room. Shades drawn, floor strewn with used tissues, nightstand a still-life of over the counter remedies. A high school boy, CAMERON FRYE, is laying in bed. We don't see his face, only a silhouette with a thermometer sticking out his mouth. U2's SUNDAY BLOODY SUNDAY is playing. He's mumbling random words.

CAMERON
Food...shelter...no...yes...

The phone rings. His hand reaches back and hits the speaker phone button.

CAMERON
(weak) Hello?

FERRIS' VOICE
Cameron! What's happening?

CAMERON
Very little.

FERRIS' VOICE
How do you feel?

CAMERON
Shredded.

FERRIS' VOICE
Is your mother in the room?

Cameron takes the thermometer out of his mouth.

CAMERON
She's not home. Where are you?

FERRIS' VOICE
Home.

24  INT. FERRIS' FAMILY ROOM. FERRIS                             24
Ferris is sprawled out in the chair.

FERRIS
I'm taking the day off. Get dressed and come over.

CAMERON'S VOICE
I can't. I'm sick.

FERRIS
It's all in your head. Come on over.

25  INT. CAMERON'S ROOM                                          25
Cameron's insistant.

CAMERON
I feel like complete shit, Ferris. I can't go anywhere.

FERRIS' VOICE
I'm sorry to hear that. Now, come on over and pick me up.

Ferris disconnects. Cameron slowly hangs up the phone.

CAMERON
I'm dying.

The phone rings again. Cameron hits the speaker button.

FERRIS' VOICE
You're not dying. You just can't think of anything good to do.

26  INT. FERRIS' FAMILY ROOM                                     26

Ferris hangs up.

FERRIS
If anybody needs a day off, it's Cameron. He has alot of things to sort out before he graduates. He can't be wound this tight and go to college. His roommate'll kill him. I've come close myself. But I like him. He's a little easier to take when you know why he's like he is. The boy cannot relax. Pardon by French but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you'd have a diamond. (after-thought) And Cameron would worry that he'd owe taxes on it.

27  INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY                                         27
We hear roll call as CAMERA MOVES ACROSS the tile floor. A shoe's POV.

TEACHER'S VOICE
Albers?

BOY'S VOICE
Here.

TEACHER'S VOICE
Anderson.

GIRL'S VOICE
Here.

CAMERA enters a classroom. It travels past a teacher's Hush Puppies and heads up an aisle of desk past dirty yellow Reebocks, rotting Air Jordans, scuffed heels, pristine loafers...

TEACHER'S VOICE
Anheiser?

BOY'S VOICE
Here.

TEACHER'S VOICE
Busch?

GIRL'S VOICE
Here.

TEACHER'S VOICE
Bueller?

CAMERA reaches the last desk and rises slowly to reveal that it's empty.

TEACHER'S VOICE
Bueller?

GIRL'S VOICE
He's sick. (pause) My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with a girl who saw Ferris pass-out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it's pretty serious.

TEACHER'S VOICE
(weary) Thank you, Simone.

GIRL'S VOICE
(cheery) No problem whatsoever.

TEACHER'S VOICE
Drucker?

BOY'S VOICE
What?

WOUND-OUT CAR ENGINES COME UP LOUD.

28  CU. TV                                                       28
THE ROAD WARRIOR is playing on video cassette. The big chase at the end.

INT. FAMILY ROOM. FERRIS
He's sitting in the arm chair pretending it's Humongous' war wagon. He's wearing a hockey mash. He's steering. He reaches down and grabs an imaginary nitrous oxide valve.

CU. TV

Humongous reaches down and grabs a real nitrous oxide valve. He gives it a twist.

CU. FERRIS
He throws himself back against the chair.

CU. TV
The force of the rapid acceleration of his vehicle throws Humongous back in his seat.

CU. FERRIS
He bounces himself in the chair to simulate the bumpy high speed ride.

CU. TV
The was wagon hurtles down the road.

CU. FERRIS
He rears back in horror.

CU. TV
The war wagon is heading for a head-on collision with the tanker truck.

CU. FERRIS
Arms outstretched, head thrown back, braced for collision.

CU. TV
IMPACT!

MOZART COMES UP.

29  CU. FLOWERING TREE BRANCH                                    29
Outside a bedroom window. A flowering crabtree branch. Petite pink flowers. WE PULL BACK FROM THE WINDOW INTO THE ROOM. It's Jeanie's room. A pink and powder blue pig pen. Clothes everywhere, make-up, books, records. Ferris is sitting on her bed going through a purse.

FERRIS
This is really degrading.

He comes up with a crumpled dollar bill.

FERRIS
Financing my activities this way. Very damaging to the self-image. But, hey, I'm broke. In times of crisis one must to what one must to. I'll pay it back. With interest.

He comes up with a five.

FERRIS
Regardless of how much shit sisters make you eat, how often they rat on you, how gross they act or how wicked and insensitive they can be, you should not alientate them. Because most likely they have cash and it's usually very easy to get your hands on.

He holds up a twenty and snaps it. PINK FLOYD'S "MONEY" COMES UP.

30  INT. LIVING ROOM                                             30
The song plays as Ferris digs through the sofa cushions. 

CU. SOFA
Ferris extracts a sticky quarter from a crevice.

31  INT. PARENTS' BEDROOM                                        31
Ferris is going through his father's pants pockets. Another crumpled bill surfaces.

32  CU. WASHING MACHINE TOP                                      32
A couple of stiff, hard, bleached singles that have gone through the wash lay on top of the washer. A hand scoops them up.

33  CU. LUCITE ENCASED PROOF SET                                 33
An obvious gift from a grandparent. A U.S. Mint proof set. A ten, a five and a single enclosed in a lucite frame. A screwdriver tip wedges between the two pieces of Lucite and pops them apart. A hand peels the bills off the backing.

34  CU. KITCHEN DRAWER                                           34
Hands ripping through the kitchen junk drawer. Locating a dollar bill.

35  CU. COIN COLLECTION                                          35
The familiar blue collector's album. One-by-one, the quarters are being popped out of their slots.

36  CU. VACCUUM CLEANER                                          36
The dusty, dirty contents of the bag are emptied on the floor. Fingers pick a dime out of a matted wad of filth.

37  CU. SNOOPY BANK                                              37
It's being shaken furiously.

38  CU. BIRTHDAY CARD                                            38
It's a child's card. It's slowly opened to reveal a crisp, new five.

39  INT. HALL CLOSET                                             39
The door opens and Ferris thrusts his hands into the pockets of the coats. He comes up with a ball of Kleenex. A roll of Tums. A squirt gun. Then a modest wad of bills. His face lights up as he counts out the cash. He closes the door.

40  CU. FLOOR AND BED                                            40
Ferris' face appears between the bed and the floor. His arm reaches out for a small metal bank hidden under the bed.

41  CU. BANK                                                     41
It's on a work bench. An awl is driven in between the door and the jamb. It pries the door open. Inside are trading cards, a charred doll's head, a Zippo lighter and, finally, a five dollar bill.

42  INT. KITCHEN                                                 42
Ferris is on his hands and knees under the kitchen table.

43  CU. TABLE LEG                                                43
Ferris lifts the leg and removes a quarter that's been used to balance the table.

44  INT. KITCHEN                                                 44
Ferris stands up and pockets the quarter.

45  CU. FERRIS' BED                                              45
A shower of coins and bills rain down on the sheets. The SONG ENDS.

46  EXT. REAL ESTATE OFFICE. MORNING                             46
A suburban realty company. A cute little building in town.

47  INT. OFFICE                                                  47
Joyce is behind a desk. Across from her are two WOMEN. They're also real estate agents.

JOYCE
No one's going to consider a house with a black living room. Not even those jerks from Vermont. Let's be realistic.

AGENT 1
Mrs. Volbeck's dead set against putting any money into the house.

Joyce's phone intercom buzzes. She take the call.

JOYCE
Joyce Bueller.

Her eyes open wide with alarm.

JOYCE
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I completely forgot to call.

48  EXT. HIGH SCHOOL                                             48
A modern, suburban high school.

MAN'S VOICE
Are you aware that your son is not in school today?

49  INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY                                         49
It's a passing period. The hall is clogged with students.

JOYCE'S VOICE
Yes, I am. Ferris is home sick. I had a meeting first thing this morning. I should have called. It completely slipped my mind.

50  INT. SCHOOL. DEAN'S OUTER OFFICE                             50
A SECRETARY is at work at her desk. We hear the dean inside the office.

DEAN'S VOICE
Are you also aware that Ferris does not have what we consider an exemplary attendance record?

51  INT. DEAN'S OFFICE. CU. DESK SIGN                            51
It reads, EDWARD R. ROONEY. DEAN OF STUDENTS. The dean's feet are up on the desk, behind the sign. Moderately priced dress shoes.

JOYCE'S VOICE
I don't understand.

DEAN'S VOICE
I just had his file up.

INT. OFFICE. CU. DEAN
ED ROONEY is sitting behind his desk. He's tough, clean and straight as an I-beam. Short, neatly combed hair, suit and tie. He's toying with a pencil. He's confident to the point of arrogance.

ROONEY
I just has his file up, Mrs. Bueller.

Behind him is a computer terminal. He removes his feet from the desk and turns in his swivel chair.

ROONEY
If Ferris thinks he coast this last month and still graduate, he's sorely mistaken.

JOYCE'S VOICE
This is all news to me.

CU. COMPUTER MONITOR
The monitor on Rooney's desk displays Ferris' records.

ROONEY'S VOICE
So far this semester alone, he's been absent nine times. Including today.

JOYCE'S VOICE
Nine times?

Under DAYS MISSED we see a number 9 suddenly change to a number 2.

INT. OFFICE

Rooney turns to the monitor. He reads off the screen.

ROONEY
I have it right here in front of me. He's missed...

He looks closer at the screen.

52  INT. FERRIS' ROOM                                            52
Ferris is at his Macintosh computer. He has his record up on the screen.

FERRIS
I wanted a car. I got a computer. How's that for being born under a bad sign?

53  INT. JOYCE'S OFFICE                                          53
She's still on the phone with Rooney.

JOYCE
I can give you every assurance that Ferris is home and that he is, in fact, very ill. I debated whether or not I should even leave him. I can appreciate that at this time of year children are prone to taking the day off, but in Ferris' case, he's truly a very sick boy.

54  INT. FERRIS' BEDROOM                                         54

MUSIC BLASTS. SOLO GUITAR.

CU. SPEAKER
The grille cloth is throbbing.

CU. LED METERS
The meters on the amplifier are totally in the danger zone.

CU. TV MONITOR
We see Ferris in his room with a guitar around his neck. He's playing.

CU. VIDEO CAMERA
A home video camera is capturing Ferris on tape.

55  INT. CAMERON'S ROOM                                          55
He's sitting on the edge of the bed buttoning his shirt. He sighs deeply and fall back on the bed.

56  INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY                                         56
Jeanie is at her locker during a passing period. A GIRLFRIEND comes up to her.

GIRL
I'm really sorry about your brother.

JEANIE
What're you sorry for? I have to live with the trouser snake.

GIRL
No, I mean I heard he's really sick.

JEANIE
Who said he's sick.

GIRL
A whole bunch of people. They said he's like on the verge of death.

Jeanie stares incredulously at the girl.

GIRL
This guy in my biology class said that if Ferris dies he's giving his eyes to Stevie Wonder? He's really sweet isn't he?

She smiles and exits. Jeanie cocks her head in bewilderment. She kicks her locker shut.

57  INT. FERRIS' ROOM                                            57
He's in bed on the phone.

FERRIS
A sample of my blood was sent to Atlanta to the Center for Disease Control. I don't know, man, I'm bricking heavily. (point to the phone) Freshman. (to the phone) Did you see Alien? When the guy had the creature in his stomach? It feels like that.

58  INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY                                         58
A FRESHMAN BOY is on the pay phone. A couple of his BUDDIES are standing at his side waiting anxiously for news.

BOY
Goddamn! Are you kidding?

SECOND BOY
What?

BOY
Did you see Alien?

SECOND BOY
No.

BOY
You never rented the video cassette?

Second boy shakes his head, no.

BOY
Oh. He's really wasted.

THIRD BOY
(to the Second Boy) Who's he talking to?

SECOND BOY
Ferris Bueller. You know him?

THIRD BOY
(excited) Yeah. He's getting me out of summer school.

BOY
Anyway, I appreciate you letting us know how you're doing. We gotta split. (pause) Huh?...Yeah, sure. Hold on.

SECOND BOY
(to Third Boy) Shit. I hope he doesn't die. I can't handle summer school.

The boy snatches a passing GIRL.

BOY
Did you see Alien?

GIRL
Yeah, why?

He hands her the phone.

GIRL
Hello? (pause) Who? (pause) Hi, Ferris. How's your bod? (jaw drops) Oh, my God! You're dying? Is it serious? (pause) Shiit! Are you upset?

59  INT. DEAN'S OFFICE                                           59
Rooney's comparing his computer monitor to hard copy. His SECRETARY is standing over his shoulder.

ROONEY
I don't trust this kid any further than I can throw him!

SECRETARY
With your bad knee, you better not throw anybody, Ed.

Rooney stares at her for a long beat.

ROONEY
What's so dangerous about a character like Ferris Bueller is that he gives the good kids bad ideas. The last thing I need at this point in my career is fifteen hundred Ferris Bueller disciples running around these halls.

SECRETARY
He's very popular, Ed. Sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, pinheads, dweebies, wonkers, richies, they all adore him.

ROONEY
That's exactly why I have to catch him this time. To show these kids that the example he sets is a first class ticket to nowhere.

SECRETARY
(impressed) Ooo. You sounded like Dirty Harry just now.

Rooney looks up at her with a proud smile.

ROONEY
Really?

He unconsciously does an Eastwood squint.

 60  EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE                                           60
It's a glorious late spring day. A florist's truck drives past the house.

61  INT. FERRIS' ROOM                                            61
He's on the telephone. As he speaks he does a little MacPainting on his MacIntosh. A Modigliani nude.

FERRIS
Cameron, if you're not over here in fifteen minutes, you can find a new best friend. I'm serious, man. This is bullshit, making me wait around the house for you.

62  INT. CAMERON'S BEDROOM                                       62
Cameron's back in bed.

CAMERON
I'm sick. I feel like shit. Why can't you leave me alone?

FERRIS' VOICE
You're not up for some good times? It's a beautiful day. It's almost summer. If this was Hawaii, we'd be surfing.

63  INT. FERRIS' ROOM                                            63
He's growing weary of Cameron's wimpishness.

FERRIS
You want to stay home and try to have the shits? Try to barf? Try to feel worse?

CAMERON'S VOICE
I don't have to try.

FERRIS
Be a man. Take some Pepto Bismol and get dressed. You're boring me with this stuff.

The other phone line rings.

FERRIS
Squeeze you buns for a second. I got another call.

He puts Cameron on hold. He clears his throat and answers the second line. He sounds like he's on his last breath.

FERRIS
H--hell-o?

64  EXT. OFFICE BUILDING. DOWNTOWN                               64
A LaSalle Street office tower.

TOM'S VOICE
Ferris?

65  INT. TOM'S OFFICE                                            65

He's behind his desk. Nice office. Two windows. Herman Miller desk and chair.

TOM
You sound miserable.

FERRIS' VOICE
Really? Darn! I thought I was improving.

TOM
Were you sleeping?

FERRIS' VOICE
I was trying to do some homework.

66  CU. COMPUTER MONITOR                                         66
A closer view of the rude drawing Ferris is making.

FERRIS (OC)
I'm so worried about falling behind.

INT. FERRIS' ROOM
He leans back from the monitor and sips a Coke.

FERRIS
Dad? Can you hold on a second?

TOM'S VOICE
Sure, pal. Are you alright?

FERRIS
Just a little phlegm on the phone. Hold on.

He puts his father on hold.

FERRIS
Cameron? It's my Dad.

CAMERON'S VOICE
Oh, that's just great. Are you busted?

FERRIS
It's completely cool. He's just checking up on me. Now, listen to me. I'm working on getting some heavy bucks out of him. So, the least you can do is hurry up and get over here. Bye.

He disconnects and gets his father back. He switches back to his sick voice.

FERRIS
Sorry, Dad. The moment before you called, I had a chest spasm and I blew lung fluid all over the place. It was making me ill looking at it. But gee, it's sure great of you to call. I'm sure there're alot of fathers who wouldn't take time out from their busy schedules to call a dumb, sick teenager.

TOM'S VOICE
Hey, pal, what was I supposed to do?

Ferris reaches out and hits a key on his computer. The screen dumps the drawing.

FERRIS
Give yourself some credit, Dad. It was a mammoth gesture. It's like those savings bonds you used to give me every Christmas. (looks at CAMERA and smiles) It was that kind of concern.

CU. COMPUTER SCREEN
A message is flashing: "TRANSMITTING DATA".

INT. FERRIS' ROOM
He turns away from the computer and puts his feet up on the desk. He lights a cigarette.

FERRIS
You had to work hard for the money to buy those things, right?

TOM'S VOICE
Not any harder than anybody else.

Ferris mouths Tom's words as he says them.

67  EXT. CHICAGO LOOP. DIAMONDVISION SCREEN                      67
Ferris' drawing suddenly appears on the billboard. Pedestrians stop to look.

68  INT. FERRIS' ROOM                                            68
He blows a smoke ring.

FERRIS
You work so hard I'll bet you don't even remember where those bonds are, right?

Ferris points a finger in the air as a cue to his father.

TOM'S VOICE
Wrong.

He nods.

FERRIS
Oh, yeah? You're pulling my leg. You're just trying to cheer me up.

TOM'S VOICE
Like hell I am. They're in a shoebox in my closet.

Ferris smiles. He looks at CAMERA. He's gotten exactly what he wants.

FERRIS
(to CAMERA, normal voice) Was that a class move or what? The guy gave it up faster than a drunk Catholic girl. I hope my kids don't pull this shit on me. (thinks) Of course, if they didn't, they'd be dumb and abnormal and they'd probably never move out of my house and I'd have to support them until I die. I take it back. (to the phone, sick voice) Dad? All this talking has made me kind of light-headed. I think I better lie down.

TOM'S VOICE
Okay, pal. You take care. I'll call you after lunch.

FERRIS
You don't have to, Dad.

TOM'S VOICE
I want to. Bye now.

He hangs up. Ferris sighs.

FERRIS
You win some, you lose some.

He turns his desk chair around and gets up.

FERRIS
I'm so disappointed in Cameron. Twenty bucks says he's sitting in his car debating about whether or not he should go out.

69  INT. CAR. CAMERON                                            69
He's sitting behind the wheel of his car.

CAMERON
We're gonna get caught. No doubt about it.

He cuts the engine.

CAMERON
I'm not doing it.

He sits for half a beat.

 CAMERON
 He'll keep calling until I come over.

He sighs and restarts the engine. Another beat.

CAMERON
Actually, what'll happen is I'll get caught. Ferris'll escape.

Another beat. He stops the engine. A CRASH OF HORROR MUSIC.

70  CU. DRESSER DRAWER                                           70
Hands curl around the drawer pulls. The drawer is opened slowly, ominously. The hands lift a sweater out. A HERALDIC STING as we see a men's magazine beneath the sweater.

INT. FERRIS' ROOM
He takes out the magazine. He leafs through the pages for the pictorials as he speaks.

FERRIS
Cameron'll go on like that for a good thirty minutes. The guy is a shellfish when it comes to making a decision. The reason he doesn't fell good is, he worries about everything. He's the only guy I know who's deeply concerned that when he grows up there'll be a critical shortage of strategic metals.

He exits the room.

71  INT. HALLWAY                                                 71
Ferris comes out of his room and heads down the hallway.

FERRIS
Cameron's also the only guy I know who knows what strategic metals are.  (waves the magazine) Pardon moi.

He goes into the bathroom. We HEAR THE TOILET SEAT SLAM DOWN.

FERRIS
(sings) MAYBE I'M JUST LIKE MY MOTHER, SHE'S NEVER SATISFIED...

72  INT. CLASSROOM. LATER                                        72
A stunningly beautiful girl, SLOANE PETERSON, is sitting at her desk in a history class. She's staring out the window as a tweedy MALE TEACHER delivers a dry, dusty lecture.

TEACHER
Roosevelt's health had seriously deteriorated by the time he met with Churchill and Stalin at Yalta. (sneezes) Pardon me.

The classroom door opens and the school NURSE walks in. For a moment, the teacher thinks she's come in because she heard him sneeze. She crosses to him and whispers in his ear.

SLOANE
She, like the others, watches the nurse curiously.

INT. CLASSROOM. TEACHER AND NURSE
The teacher's face drops as he's delivered an obvious piece of disturbing news. He nods grimly to the Nurse. She looks at the kids.

NURSE
Sloane Peterson?

SLOANE sits up in her seat.

NURSE - She's a picture of compassion and understanding.

NURSE
May I see you outside for a moment? There's been an emergency.

SLOANE
A smile curls across her lips. As she gathers her books she looks to the GIRL next to her.

SLOANE
(whispers) Dead grandmother.

73  INT. HALLWAY                                                 73
The Nurse is gently holding Sloane's hand.

NURSE
(nods solemnly) Dead grandmother.

74  CU. ROONEY                                                   74
He has a suspicious look on his face.

ROONEY
Dead grandmother?

INT. DEAN'S OFFICE
Rooney's at his desk. His secretary is standing across from him.

SECRETARY
That's what Mr. Peterson said. I had Florence Sparrow notify Sloane.

ROONEY
Who's this girl's going with?

SECRETARY
It's so hard to tell. I see her alot with Ferris Bueller.

Rooney smiles. His suspicions are confirmed.

ROONEY
Could you get me Mr. Peterson's daytime number?

As the secretary starts out of the room, Rooney's phone rings. She stops and answers the desk phone.

SECRETARY
Edward Rooney's office. (pause) Yes. Can you hold? Thank you.

She puts the call on hold.

SECRETARY
It's Mr. Peterson.

Rooney is startled. He thinks for a beat then reaches for the phone.

SECRETARY
Do you still want his number?

Rooney answers her with an annoyed look. She smiles and backs out. He punches the phone button.

ROONEY
Ed Rooney.

MAN'S VOICE
Ed? This is George Peterson.

ROONEY
How are you today, sir?

MAN'S VOICE
We've had a bit of bad luck this morning as you may have heard.

Rooney rolls his eyes. It's so obvious it's not Mr. Peterson.

ROONEY
I heard. And, gosh, I'm all broken up. Huh? Oh, sure. I'd be happy to release Sloane. You produce a corpse and I'll release Sloane. I want to see this dead grandmother firsthand.

The secretary stops cold in the doorway. She turns to Rooney in horror. He covers the phone.

ROONEY
(whispers)  It's Ferris Bueller. Nervy litttle punk. I'm gonna set a trap and let his walk right into it! (to phone) That's right. Cart the stiff in and I'll turn over your daughter. It's school policy. Was this your mother?

Rooney's other line rings.

75  INT. SECRETARY'S OFFICE                                      75
She steps out of Rooney's office and picks up the other line.

SECRETARY
Ed Rooney's office.

Her jaw drops.

SECRETARY
Hold, please.

She puts the call on hold and hangs up. She hurried into Rooney's office.

76  INT. DEAN'S OFFICE                                           76
Rooney's chewing out the person on the other line.

ROONEY
I'll tell you what, you don't like my policies, you can just come on down and smooch by big old ugly ass. You hear me?

The secretary comes in. She's waving her arms furiously. Rooney tries to wave her away. He's angry. She stomps her foot. Rooney covers the phone.

ROONEY
What!?

SECRETARY
Ferris Bueller's on line two.

CU. ROONEY'S FOOT
It freezes in mid-tap.

CU. ROONEY'S HAND
The pencils falls from his fingers.

CU. ROONEY'S FACE
A mask of horror. He glances at the phone.

CU. PHONE
The second line light is flashing.

CU. ROONEY
He blinks, cocks his head, twitches.

77  INT. FERRIS' ROOM                                            77
He's zipping his pants, fastening his belt. The phone's cradled against his shoulder. He speaks in the same voice he used on his father.

FERRIS
Mr. Rooney? I'm sorry to disturb you at work but I was wondering if it would be possible for my sister to bring home any assignments from my classes that I may need.

78  INT. DEAN'S OFFICE. ROONEY                                   78
He's staring blankly ahead.

FERRIS' VOICE
Thank you, sir.

He nods.

CU. PHONE
Rooney's finger gingerly presses the button on the waiting call.

CU. ROONEY
He winces as he returns to the first call.

79  INT. FERRIS' HOUSE. KITCHEN                                  79
Cameron's on the phone in the kitchen. He's doing a deep, phoney "father" voice.

CAMERON
You oughta be sorry for Christ's sake! A family member dies and you insult me. What's the matter with you, anyway?

80  INT. DEAN'S OFFICE. ROONEY                                   80
He apologies profusely to Cameron. He's perspiring, trembling.

ROONEY
I don't know. I thought you were someone else. You have to know, sir, that I would never deliberately insult you. I can't begin to tell you how embarrassed I am.

CAMERON'S VOICE
Pardon my French but you're an asshole!

Rooney nods enthusiastically.

ROONEY
Absolutely! I most certainly am.

81  INT. KITCHEN                                                 81
Cameron lays into Rooney.

CAMERON
This isn't over yet, buster. You just make sure my daughter's out in front of the school in ten minutes. Do you read me?

ROONEY'S VOICE
Loud and clear, Mr. Peterson.

CAMERON
Call me sir, goddamn it!

ROONEY'S VOICE
Sir.

CAMERON
That's better.

Ferris strolls into the kitchen to catch the last of the conversation. Cameron covers the phone.

CAMERON
(to Ferris) I'm scared shitless, Ferris! What is Rooney guesses my voice!

FERRIS
Impossible. You're doing great.

Cameron sighs and goes back to the phone.

CAMERON
(clears his throat) I don't have all day to bark at you so I'll make this short and sweet.

Ferris gives Cameron an enthusiastic thumbs up.

FERRIS
(mouths) Great!

Cameron smiles proudly.

CAMERON
I want my daughter out in front of the school in ten minutes. By herself. I don's want anyone around...

Ferris smacks Cameron. He's said the wrong thing. He covers the phone.

CAMERON
What'd I do?

FERRIS
Out in front by herself? It's too suspicious! He'll think something's up, moron. Cover it.

Cameron panics. He holds the phone out to Ferris.

CAMERON
You do it!

Ferris waves his arms angrily.

FERRIS
Talk!

Cameron takes a deep breath. He clears his throat and puts on his father's voice.

CAMERON
I changed my mind, fella. You be out in front with her! I wanna have a few words with you!

Ferris slaps Cameron. The phone flies out of his hand.

82  CU. ROONEY                                                   82
He winces as the phone hits the floor with a loud CLONK! We HEAR THE BOYS SCRAMBLING TO PICK UP THE PHONE, THEN CAMERON CLEARING HIS THROAT.

CAMERON'S VOICE
On second thought, I don't have time to talk to you. We'll get together soon and have lunch.

We HEAR A SLAP AND THE CALL DISCONNECTS.

83  INT. FERRIS' KITCHEN                                         83
Cameron's rubbing the side of his head.

CAMERON
Why'd you hit me?!

FERRIS
Where's your brain?!

CAMERON
Why'd you hit me?!

FERRIS
Where's your brain?!

CAMERON
Why'd you hit me?

FERRIS
Where's your brain?

CAMERON
I asked you first.

FERRIS
How can we pick up Sloane if Rooney's going to be there with her?!

CAMERON
I said for her to be there alone and you freaked!

FERRIS
My, God, you're so stupid! (aside) I didn't hit you, I lightly slapped you.

CAMERON
You hit me. Look, don't ask me to participate in your crap if you don't like the way I do it!

Ferris is incredulous at Cameron's stupidity. Cameron's anger is intensified by his embarrassment.

CAMERON
I was home, sick. You get me out of bed, being me over here, make me jeopardize my future, make me do a phoney phone call on a dean of students, a man who could squeeze my nuts into oblivion and then you deliberately hurt my feelings.

FERRIS
I didn't deliberately hurt your feelings.

CAMERON
Oh, really?

FERRIS
Yeah, really.

Cameron glares at Ferris.

CAMERON
Hey, Ferris? Have a nice life.

He turns and heads out of the room. Ferris sighs.

FERRIS
Cameron?

CAMERON
Stick it up your ass, Ferris.

FERRIS
Cameron, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to jam you. It was uncalled for.

Cameron stops.

CAMERON
You're serious?

He turns around.

FERRIS
Dead serious.

Cameron smiles. He appreciates Ferris apology.

CAMERON
Thanks.

FERRIS
You did screw up through, right? Not that is was necessarily all you fault. Right?

CAMERON
(suspiciously) Why?

FERRIS
To fix this situation, I'm going to have to ask you for a small favor.

Cameron's jaw drops.

84  INT. GARAGE                                                  84
The door opens slowly, dramatically as we hear a heraldic fanfare. Light streams in to reveal Cameron and Ferris looking at the car. Ferris is smiling with excitement and awe. Cameron is frowning with trepidation and fear.

CU. FERRARI STALLION
The prancing black stallion. We move up from the stallion to the erotic red hood of a 1958 Ferrari 250 GTS California.

CAMERON AND FERRIS
Cameron's face is ashen. The end of the world is at hand. Ferris is in heaven.

CAMERON
(grim monotone) 1958 Ferrari 250 GTS California. Less than a hundred were made. It has a market value of $265,000. My father spent three years restoring it. It is joy, it is his love, it is his passion.

FERRIS
It is his fault he didn't lock the garage.

CAMERON
Ferris, my father loves this car more than life itself. We can't take is out.

FERRIS
A man with priorities so far out of whack doesn't deserve such a fine automobile.

CAMERON
He never drives it, Ferris. He just rubs it with a diaper.

FERRIS
We can't pick up Sloane in your car, Cameron. Rooney'd never believe Mr. Peterson drives that piece of shit.

CAMERON
It's not a piece of shit.

FERRIS
It's a piece of shit. Don't worry about it. I don't even have a piece of shit. I have to envy yours. Look, I'm sorry but there's nothing else we can do.

CAMERON
He knows the mileage, Ferris. He has it tatooed on his wrist.

FERRIS
He doesn't trust you?

CAMERON
No.

FERRIS
Alright, look, this is real simple. He puts his arm around Cameron.

FERRIS
Whatever miles we put on it, we'll take off.

CAMERON
(suspicious) How?

FERRIS
(big, proud smile) We'll drive home backwards.

Cameron shakes his head, no.

CAMERON
Forget it. I'm putting my foot down, Ferris. You'll have to think of something else...

CU. FERRARI GRILLE
Cameron's protests are drowned out by the distinctive roar of the twelve cylinders.

CAMERON'S VOICE
...You're not talking me into this one. I have to live with the man. I'm sorry but...

The roar of the engine is overtaken by the sound of a crowded school hallway.

85  INT. SCHOOL. JEANIE                                          85
She comes out of a classroom. She stops as Sloane and Rooney walk past. Sloane has her coat on and she's carrying her books. Jeanie watches her suspiciously.

86  EXT. SCHOOL                                                  86
The Ferrari is parked out in front. The top is down.

 87  INT. FERRARI                                                 87
Ferris is driving. He's wearing a man's hat and sunglasses. Cameron's in the back.

CAMERON
Are you crazy?! Put the top back up!

FERRIS
This is perfect top-down weather.

CAMERON
What about Rooney?

FERRIS
Cameron, the more obvious we are, the less likely we are to get caught.

CAMERON
That makes no sense whatsoever.

FERRIS
The adult mind is a suspicious machine. (look around at Cameron) Stay down, man.

Cameron squeezes himself lower.

CAMERON
How come it's my Dad's car and I'm taking all the risk and I have to ride back here?

FERRIS
I don't have an explanation.

88  EXT. SCHOOL                                                  88
Rooney and Sloane come out the door.

ROONEY
Once again let me say how deeply saddened I am by your loss.

SLOANE
Huh?

ROONEY
Were you close to your grandmother?

SLOANE
Oh. Um. Yeah. Very. She was a terrific lady. Very hip. Very old. Yeah.

DEEP VOICE
Oh, Sloane! Dear!

Sloane looks across at the Ferrari. Rooney looks.

THEIR POV
Ferris is looking out across the roof of the Ferrari. He's careful to keep his nose and mouth below the roofline.

FERRIS
Hurry along now!

EXT. SCHOOL
Rooney's suspicious. Sloane smiles and bids Rooney a hasty farewell.

SLOANE
I guess that's my Dad. Thanks. See ya.

She hurries to the car. Rooney watches her. Something does compute for him.

89  INT. SCHOOL. JEANIE                                          89
She's watching out the door. She sees the Ferrari pull away.

90  EXT. SCHOOL. ROONEY                                          90
He can't quite put his finger on what's bothering him.

91  INT. FERRARI                                                 91
Sloane shrieks with delight. She leans across the console and gives Ferris a kiss.

SLOANE
This is so great! I can't believe it! Right in front of Rooney!

She laughs and turns to Cameron.

SLOANE
Hi, Cameron. You comfortable?

CAMERON
Hi. No.

SLOANE
What a fabulous car!

CAMERON
Enjoy it quick. It' s going home.

FERRIS
It was risky, it was bold but it was totally necessary.

SLOANE
               What're we gonna do?

FERRIS
The question isn't "what are we gonna do", the question is "what aren't we going to do."

CAMERON
Don't tell me we're not going to take the car home. Please.

FERRIS
(to CAMERA) If you had access to a car like this would you take it back right away? Would you give up feeling like a ton just to ease your best friend's tension?

He smiles.

FERRIS
Neither would I.

92  EXT. STREET. FERRARI                                         92
It accelerates away like a shot.

93  EXT. SUBURBAN BANK                                           93
A fresh, modern bank building. The clock outside read 9:53. The Ferrari pulls into the parking lot.

94  INT. BANK. DOORS                                             94
Ferris, Cameron and Sloane walk in. Ferris is cocky and confident. Sloane's still intoxicated with her freedom. Cameron's having stomach trouble. Ferris leads the way to an open teller window.

INT. BANK. TELLER
A WOMAN about seventy with a silver blue beehive. It's about four inches higher the highest beehive you're ever seen. As she moves the beehive hits a small sign over her head. She's been at the bank since they opened. She smiles when she sees Ferris.

TELLER
Ferris Bueller?

FERRIS - He's at the window. On either shoulder are Cameron and Sloane. Ferris smiles. Cameron blanches.

FERRIS
Hello, Mrs. Froeling. How are you?

TELLER - She pats the rock-solid mass of blue hair. In doing so she locates a missing ball point pen. She withdraws it from the hair and smiles at it's reappearance.

TELLER
I passed a kidney stone Tuesday, so I'm a little pooped but other than that, I'm as chipper as can be. (something occurs to her) Say, should you be in school?

FERRIS - He lays his savings bonds on the counter.

FERRIS
Me? (polite laugh) I'm out of school, Mrs. Froeling. In fact. I'm married. This is my wife...Madonna.

Sloane suppresses a laugh.

FERRIS
(to Cameron)
And this is my brother-in-law, ZZ Top. ZZ, this is Mrs. Froeling.

Cameron isn't amused.

TELLER
(to Cameron) Is Top a Slavic name?

CAMERON
Yeah.

FERRIS
I'd like to cash these in, please. We're having a baby and we need the cash for a crib, clothes, diapers, food pellets, leash, water dish...

INT. BANK. TELLER WINDOW
Mrs. Froeling takes the bonds with a hearty smile. The latter part of the conversation sails over her like a line drive.

TELLER
A baby! (to Sloane) You must be so excited.

Cameron groans and turns away from the sham.

SLOANE
I'm thrilled, ma'am. I'm especially looking forward to wearing those jeans with the stretch panel in front.

Mrs. Froeling thumbs through the bonds.

TELLER
Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?

SLOANE
Actually, we're hoping for a car.

CU. CAMERON
He's spooked by the games playing. He scans the bank nervously. He blinks, focuses, blinks again.

HIS POV
Joyce is with a MIDDLE-AGED COUPLE and their bored, sour-puss teenage son, BOYD. He's sitting in a chair with his legs slung over the sides waving a Bic lighter back and forth across his rump. The parents are Joyce's clients from Vermont. A LOAN OFFICER is discussing the local financing situation with them. His is an open office adjacent to the teller windows. Joyce's back is to the tellers.

CU. CAMERON
It's like he's just witnesses an ax murder.

CAMERON
Shit...

INT. BANK. JOYCE
Her back is to the teller windows. She's conducting her meeting. Behind her we see Cameron grab Ferris and point her out to him. He waves. Cameron slaps his arm.

INT. BANK. TELLER WINDOW
Mrs. Froeling shows Ferris the savings bonds.

TELLER
These bonds aren't mature. If you hold onto them another two years you'll get an additional four dollars...

FERRIS
I'm aware of that.

TELLER
You're throwing away four dollars.

FERRIS
No, ma'am, I'm giving it to the government. They need it. Do you know what an aircraft carrier's going for these days?

INT. BANK. JOYCE
She concludes her meeting. She shakes hands with the loan officer and stands. The Vermont Couple stands. Boyd scrapes the bottom of his shoe on the desk, leaving a glob of mud behind and he stands. Joyce turns into the bank. Ferris, Cameron and Sloane are gone. She escorts her customers out.

INT. BANK. DOOR
Joyce and the Vermont Couple approach the doors. Boyd lays a luggie in the drinking fountain. Mrs. Froeling passes with the savings bonds. She stops when she sees Joyce.

JOYCE
Mrs. Froeling, how are you?

MRS. FROELING
I passed a kidney stone Tuesday. (shifts gears, to Joyce) Say, you must be very proud.

Joyce doesn't know what she's talking about.

MRS. FROELING
(whispers) I met Madonna.

She pats Joyce on the arm.

MRS. FROELING
She told me everything. Keep me posted, I'll want to send a gift.

She toodles on her way. Joyce and the Vermont Couple are completely baffled.

95  EXT. BANK                                                    95
Joyce and the Vermont Couple walk along the side of the bank, heading for the parking lot. Boyd's tagging along behind. He picks up a stone and hurls it into the parking lot.

JOYCE
My son's home sick today. If you wouldn't mind, on our way back to the office, I'd like to just run in and check up on him.

We HEAR A METALLIC PING! as Boyd's missle hits a car.

MOTHER
Of course.

They pass a show window. As they pass, we hold on the window. It's promoting saving for college educations. A mannequin father is congratulating his mannequin son in a mortar and gown as a stiff Sloane, Ferris and Cameron look on proudly.

96  INT. DEAN'S OFFICE                                           96
His secretary is dialing a number for him.

SECRETARY
This is the Peterson's home.

She hands the phone to Rooney.

SECRETARY
Watch your mouth this time.

Rooney glares at her.

ROONEY
Ferris Bueller's behind this. There's no doubt in my mind. That's what I was saying this morning. Why he has to be stopped. He's got Sloane Peterson involved in this thing now. See?

The secretary nods.

SECRETARY
And her grandmother, too.

97  CU. PHONE ANSWER MACHINE                                     97
It clicks on. We hear a grieved woman's voice. It sounds an awful lot like Sloane.

SLOANE
We can't come to the phone right now. We've had a death in the family. If you need to reach us we'll be at the following number...

98  INT. DEAN'S OFFICE                                           98
Rooney quickly takes down a number.

99  EXT. CAMERON'S HOUSE                                         99
His answering machine clicks on. We hear Cameron's voice.

CAMERON'S VOICE
You have reached the Coughlin Bros. Mortuary. We are unable to come to the phone right now but if you'll leave your name and number...

100  INT. DEAN'S OFFICE                                          100
Rooney hangs up the phone.

ROONEY
Something's going on, goddamn it.

The secretary's looking at a newspaper on Rooney's desk. She's not listening to him.

SECRETARY
There's a railroad strike.

ROONEY
And I'm going to stop it!

SECRETARY
My brother-in-law'll appreciate it.

Rooney looks at her, puzzled.

ROONEY
What?

SECRETARY
My brother-in-law rides the train to work.

Rooney stares at her like she's crazy.

ROONEY
Who gives a good goddamn?

101  EXT. EDENS EXPRESSWAY                                       101

The major thoroughfare into the city of Chicago from the suburbs. The Ferrari streaks past. In the distance we see the Sears Tower, the Hancock Building and the Standard Oil Building.

102  INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY                                        102
Jeanie's walking down the hall. She's stopped by a KID with a Coke can.

KID
Yo. We're collecting money to buy Ferris Bueller a new kidney.

Jeanie stares at him. She's flabbergasted at the proportions her brother's scan has reached.

KID
They run about fifty g's so it you could help out...

JEANIE
Go piss up a flagpole!

KID
Huh?

She knocks the can out of his hands and storms down the hall. The kid yells after her.

KID
Hey, babe! Some day you might need a favor from Ferris Bueller! Then where'll you be?!

He reaches for the can.

KID
Heartless wench...

103  EXT. CHICAGO LOOP. PARKING GARAGE                           103
The Ferrari pulls into a large parking garage.

EXT. GARAGE
Ferris, Sloane and Cameron get out. Cameron's having fits.

CAMERON
We can't leave the car here!

FERRIS
Why not?

CAMERON
Because we can't! I want it back home where it belongs!

SLOANE
What could happen to it?

CAMERON
It could get stolen, wrecked, scratched, you name it.

FERRIS
I'll give the guy a five to watch it.

CAMERON
What guy?

CU. PARKING ATTENDANT

He smiles with relish at the car. 6'6", 240. An IQ that equals his hourly wage. Shoulder-length hair stuffed into a hairnet Gold teeth. Earring. Goatee.

EXT. PARKING LOT
The Attendant swaggers over to the car. Ferris slips him a give.

FERRIS
You speak English?

ATTENDANT
Since I was three.

FERRIS
Great. I want to you take extra special care of this vehicle, okay?

He pats the Attendant on the arm. He smiles.

ATTENDANT
Like it's a beautiful woman.

FERRIS
I appreciate it.

The Attendant very gingerly gets into the car. Ferris turns to Cameron. The Ferrari pulls into the lot very slowly, very carefully. No squealing tires, no revving engine.

FERRIS
See what a finski can do to a person's attitude? He's going to treat it like a beautiful woman.

CAMERON
Yeah, sure. Whip it with a stick and piss on the hood.

SLOANE
Oh, please, Cameron. Do you have to be so graphic?

She heads down the street.

SLOANE
This is so right!

Ferris nudges Cameron on. They exit the garage and head after Sloane. A long beat and the Ferrari creeps down the exit ramp of the garage. It's gone in the entrance and out the exit. Another attendant jumps in the passenger side. He's skinny, tall, with a huge knit hat willed with dreads. He lets out a spirited laugh and the Ferrari peels out of the lot. It heads down the street away from Sloane, Ferris and Cameron.

104  EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE                                          104
Joyce's care pulls in the driveway. She gets out and heads up the house.

105  INT. FERRIS' ROOM                                           105
It's dark. There's a figure in the bed. We hear soft snoring. A wire runs from under the bed covers to the closet door to the door to the room itself.

INT. ROOM. DOOR KNOB
The wire is tied to the doorknob. It's taut. Downstairs, we hear a door open and close.

106  INT. HOUSE. STAIRWAY                                        106
Joyce quietly walks up the stairs.

107  INT. HOUSE. HALLWAY                                         107
Joyce comes up the stairs and crosses to Ferris' room. She listens at the door. WE HEAR THE SNORING.

CU. DOORKNOB
Joyce slowly turns the doorknob and pushes the door open a crack.

HER POV
The door opens and the figure-like lump in the bed moves.

CU. JOYCE
She smiles and closes the door.

108  INT. ROOM. CLOSET                                           108
The closet door is open. The wire from the bedroom door is strung over the top of the closet door. A trophy is attached to the end of the wire and it's resting on a yard stick. As the bedroom door closes, the trophy lifts up off the yardstick and the lump in the bed goes back down to it's original position.

CU. FERRIS' SYNTHESIZER
Little LED's are lighting up to the rhythm of the snoring. The snoring it simulated.

109  INT. HALLWAY                                                109
Joyce listens at the door another beat. She's smiles with relief and affection.

110  EXT. SEARS TOWER. LATER                                     110
HELICOPTER SHOT moves in on the world's tallest building. As it passes we see three figures pressed against the windows.

FERRIS (VO)
This is the world's tallest building. From our vantage point here on the 103 floor, we are provided with a view of four states.

CAMERON (VO)
Do you think the car's alright?

FERRIS (VO)
Illinois, Michigan, Wisconsin and my personal favorite, Indiana.

111  INT. SEARS TOWER OBSERVATION DECK                           111
Ferris, Cameron and Sloane are standing against the window.

CAMERON
I don't feel good, Ferris. Are we gonna stay long?

FERRIS
Take a step back...

Ferris steps back. Sloane and Cameron follow suit.

FERRIS
Now, lean against the glass. Like this...

He leans forward, putting all his weight on his forehead.

FERRIS
And look down.

Sloane leans forward. Cameron follows, reluctantly.

SLOANE
Oh, shit!

HER POV
The street far, far below. A dizzying view.

INT. OBSERVATION DECK
The three are leaning against the glass.

SLOANE
What if the glass gives?

FERRIS
Death.

SLOANE
Cool.

CU. CAMERON
He's looking down.

CAMERON
I think I see my Dad.

112  EXT. STREET LEVEL                                           112
A middle-aged man, Cameron's father, HORACE FRYE, is standing on the street corner. He's lean, clean, tough and humorless. He's wearing a puzzled look on his face.

CAMERON'S FATHER
I think I see my car.

HIS POV
The Ferrari screams down the avenue and disappears down the underground ramp.

113  INT. SEARS TOWER LOBBY                                      113
Ferris and Sloane bound down the escalator. Cameron follows glumly. They dance past the giant Calder mobile. They're singing.

FERRIS AND SLOANE
I BEEN ALL 'ROUND THIS GREAT BIG WORLD 
AND I'VE SEEN ALL KINDS OF GIRLS
YEAH, BUT I COULDN'T WAIT TO GET
BACK IN THE STATES
BACK TO THE CUTEST GIRLS IN THE WORLD
I WISH THEY ALL COULD BE CALIFORNIA
I WISH THEY ALL COULD BE CALIFORNIA

114  EXT. STREET                                                 114
Ferris and Sloane burst out the doors garnering the annoyed stares of the business people busily going in and out of the building. Cameron politely waits his turn to exit. Ferris and Sloane head down the street. Cameron follows.

FERRIS AND SLOANE
I WISH THEY ALL COULD BE CALIFORNIA GIRLS!

115  EXT. CHICAGO MERCANTILE EXCHANGE                            115
Giant old monolith.

116  INT. CHICAGO MERCANTILE EXCHANGE. TRADING ROOM              116
Traders are frantically buying and selling commodities.

117  INT. GALLERY                                                117
Ferris, Cameron and Sloane are sitting in the gallery watching the proceedings.

SLOANE
Do you love me?

FERRIS
Do you love me?

SLOANE
I asked you first.

FERRIS
Yes. You?

SLOANE
Yes.

FERRIS
Would I trash a day of education to be with you if I didn't love you?

SLOANE
Yes.

FERRIS
Would I risk damaging a deep and wonderfully enriching relationship with my parents if I didn't love you?

SLOANE
Yes.

FERRIS
Would I have introduced you as my wife if I didn't love you?

SLOANE
Wait a minute. That was a lie.

FERRIS
True.

Ferris puts his arm around Sloane.

FERRIS
Would you want to get married? I mean if I wasn't an asshole.

SLOANE
Sure.

FERRIS
(serious) Today?

Sloane stares at him. Is he serious.

FERRIS
I'm game.

SLOANE
No way!

FERRIS
I'll do it, if you will.

Cameron suddenly adds his two cents.

CAMERON
You need a blood test.

Ferris looks around at him.

FERRIS
Huh?

CAMERON
If your blood's not compatible, you could produce a pinhead. The state requires a blood test.

FERRIS
So?

CAMERON
So, you can't get married today.

FERRIS
Tomorrow?

CAMERON
If you get a blood test today.

SLOANE
I'm not getting married.

CAMERON
I'm with you, babe.

FERRIS
Why not?

SLOANE
What do you mean, why not? Think about it.

FERRIS
Besides being too young and your father hating my guts and not having any place to live and feeling awkward about being the only cheer-leader with a husband, give me a good reason why not.

CAMERON
I'll give you two. My mother and father.

Ferris and Sloane look at him curiously.

CAMERON
They're married and they hate each other. (to Ferris) You've seen them. Am I right?

FERRIS
You're father's a toad and your Mom's always wired out, but so what? They're old. That's natural.

CAMERON
It makes me puke. Seeing people treat each other like that. It's like the car. He loves the car. He hates his wife.

SLOANE
My parents are divorced. So what? It's not like it doesn't happen ten thousand times a day.

CAMERON
Just because it happens doesn't make it right. Are you comfortable with it?

SLOANE
No. It's not something I can get comfortable with. I've tried. Are yours divorced?

CAMERON
They may as well be.

SLOANE
Do you think they're staying together because of you?

Cameron hasn't seen it that way. He shrugs.

SLOANE
Do they like you?

It hasn't occured to Cameron that his parents might not like him. That parental love might not be a given.

CAMERON
Yeah. Sure.

SLOANE
Consider this...my father canned me and my brother and my Mom for a twenty five year old dipso with fake tits. He dropped us like a rock. Everything was cool at our house. I thought so. We all thought so. Then BLAM! It's over.

FERRIS
(to CAMERA) This is all news to me. She keeps a pretty good secret.

SLOANE
(to Cameron) It was pure selfishness. When I have a kid, I don't care how much I want something, if it's gonna screw-up the kid, forget it.

FERRIS
(to CAMERA)  She's not lying.

CAMERON
You could change.

SLOANE
Yeah. But I'm gonna try not to. I'm gonna think about it. I'm gonna try to prevent it.

FERRIS
This is optomism. It's a common trait with my age group. Adults think it's cute, it's like a charming quick that infests youth. But it's a cool thing and I think, deep down, crusty old shits wish they had some. They wish they had her, too. (points to Sloane) Sorry. She's taken.

CAMERON
I'd rather not have my family break apart, thank you.

SLOANE
Well, you know what? It ain't up to you. It's out of your hands.

CAMERON
So, I in other words, I should just sit back and watch it crumble?

SLOANE
You're merely an inhabitant in their universe.

FERRIS
Frightening choice of words.

SLOANE
They call the shots. When you split from them, you call the shots.

CAMERON
So, you're saying I should run away?

FERRIS
No. She's saying it's time for lunch.

SLOANE
What?

FERRIS
Let's go feed Cameron.

They stand up and head out. Ferris hangs back a moment. He cups his hands to his mouth. He yells at the top of his voice.

FERRIS
BUY!

And he exits. Cool and casual.

118  INT. CHICAGO MERCANTILE EXCHANGE.  TRADING FLOOR            118
It explodes with activity in response to Ferris' shout. We HEAR A RADIO ANNOUNCER.

ANNOUNCER
Commodity prices rose sharply today in unusually heavy trading...

119  EXT. RESTAURANT                                             119
A French restaurant on the Gold Coast.  It's noon.

120  INT. RESTAURANT                                             120
Ferris, Sloane and Cameron are standing in the restaurant. Ferris is looking at the maitre 'd's reservations book.

HIS POV
His fingers runs down to a party of three for 12:00.

INT. RESTAURANT
The maitre'd returns.

MAITRE'D
(to Ferris) May I help you?

FERRIS
Yes. I'm Abe Frohman. Party of three for 12:00.

The maitre'd looks at Ferris curiously.

FERRIS
Is there a problem?

MAITRE'D
You're Abe Frohman?

FERRIS
I'm Abe Frohman.

MAITRE'D
(chuckles) I'm sorry, son. I'm very busy right now. If you have trouble finding the door...

Sloane tugs Ferris' sleeve. He ignores her.

FERRIS
Are you suggesting that I'm not who I say I am?

MAITRE'D
Shall I call the police?

CAMERON
Let's go...Abe.

FERRIS
I'm not going anywhere. (to the Maitre'd) Call the police. Go ahead. Better yet... (grabs the phone) ...I'll call myself.

Cameron chokes. Sloane grits her teeth. The maitre'd smiles smuggly.

CU. PHONE
Ferris punches out a number. A beat and the restaurant's second line lights up and the phone rings.

INT. RESTAURANT
The maitre'd motions for the phone so that he can answer the call. Ferris waves him off angrily.

FERRIS
You touch me and I yell "rat!" There's another phone around here. Find it.

The maitre'd backs off.

CAMERON
Ferris, let's split, please?

SLOANE
Cameron's right. We're gonna get busted.

FERRIS
Not a chance in the world.

He hands the phone to Sloane.

FERRIS
Ask for Abe Frohman.

INT. RESTAURANT. LATER
Ferris, Sloane and Cameron are seated in the restaurant. The maitre'd is hovering over Ferris.

MAITRE'D
I appreciate your understanding.

FERRIS
Don't grovel, Charles. Just leave us to our repast and all will be forgotten.

MAITRE'D
Enjoy your luncheon.

FERRIS
Thank you.

The maitre'd backs away. Ferris smiles. Sloane is impressed. Cameron is flushed with nerves.

FERRIS
Darling, you were wonderful.

SLOANE
Oh, but I had a wonderful teacher.

FERRIS
Cameron, dear friend?

Cameron looks to Ferris.

FERRIS
And you thought we wouldn't have any fun. Shame on you.

Ferris disappears behind his menu.

121  EXT. SCHOOL                                                 121
We HEAR HALLWAY SOUNDS AND JEANIE.

JEANIE (VO)
Ferris Bueller's days are numbered.

122  INT. GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM                                     122
Jeanie's sitting on a bench in a field hockey uniform. She's talking to a FRIEND.

JEANIE
(mean, vicious)  I'm gonna bust his buns.

FRIEND
Why? What's the point?

JEANIE
Why? Because I'm sick of the little dope. He manipulates my parents, he does whatever he wants, whenever he wants and he never gets nailed. (wicked pause) Well, babe, today I'm the hammer.

She yanks angrily on the velcro strap on her sneakers. The straps rip off in her hand.

FRIEND
I think he's cute.

JEANIE
Sweetie, it's an established fact that you have no taste. Ferris is not cute. He's not charming. He's not nice. He's not a wonderful person. He's an ignorant mule and the sooner everybody in this school comes to that realization the better off we'll all be.

She displays the velcro straps to her friend.

JEANIE
See? My brother strokes you, you sympathize with him, I get pissed off and this is what happens!

Jeanie tosses the straps on the floor.

JEANIE
Let me tell you something. I study hard, I work hard, I'm polite, I'm considerate, I'm friendly and fair to all kinds of people. Except morons. I try to be everything a good, decent person should be and you know what?

FRIEND
Everybody thinks you're an asshole.

Jeanie freezes with her next sentence pinned to her tongue.

JEANIE
Excuse me?

FRIEND
I don't think you're an asshole.

JEANIE
Who does?

Her friend smiles sheepishly.

JEANIE
Rachel?

Jeanie's friend shrugs, wags her head, does everything but verbally confirm.

JEANIE
Rachel's a dirt bag. Who else?

FRIEND
I don't know. Just forget it.

JEANIE
Forget that everybody thinks I'm an asshole? Would you like everybody to think you're an asshole?

FRIEND
Not everybody thinks you're an asshole. Mr. Rooney likes you.

JEANIE
Oh, hey. That's exciting. A fat fifty year old clod with B.O. likes me.

Jeanie shakes her head in disbelief.

JEANIE
Would everybody be happier if maybe I were to die in a flaming car accident or something?

FRIEND
Maybe if you didn't cat like an asshole...

JEANIE
Am I acting like an asshole?

FRIEND
I didn't mean it that way.

JEANIE
I this a conspiracy to shit all over me or something? Is my brother behind this? Tell me if he is or I'll sock your tits.

FRIEND
You really do have a problem, Jeanie.

JEANIE
Me? I have a problem?

FRIEND
Somebody who threatens to sock people's tits has a problem.

JEANIE
Alright. How about if I sock your face?

Jeanie's friend gets up.

FRIEND
Take a walk, Jeanie.

Her friend exits.

JEANIE
(yells after her) If it means anything to you, I have my period! MY BODY'S RIDDING ITSELF OF OLD EGGS, GODDAMN IT!

She snarls and slumps against the lockers.

JEANIE
He's gone. He's over. He's monkey meat.

123  INT. MEN'S ROOM. CHEZ PAUL                                  123
Ferris is standing at the urinal.

FERRIS
She's a person who views life as an ordeal that must be endured. Her body is a transport vehicle for her anger. I don't know where she gets this shit. Basically, the family's pretty cool.

He looks down at the urinal.

FERRIS
I wonder if everybody shoots at cigarette butts in urinals? Probably not many women. (continues) I used to think that my family was the only one that had weirdness in it. It used to worry me. Then I met Cameron and I saw how his family functioned.

He zips this trousers and steps away from the urinal.

FERRIS
Cameron's home life is really shit. He wasn't lying. That's why he's sick all the time. It really upsets him. What he said about his parents hating each other? I refuse to sleep over at his house. His parents fight all the time. Even when I'm there. Is there anything worse than being at somebody's house when their parents are fighting? It's the absolute height of social discomfort.

He checks his hair in the mirror.

FERRIS
When they go after each other, Cameron tightens up. It's scary. He gets so wadded-up, you couldn't pry his buns apart with a crowbar. The thing with taking his old man's car? It's good for him. It teaches him to deal with his fear. Plus, and I must be honest here, I love driving it. I highly recommend picking one up.

He exists the men's room. We hold a beat. A toilet flushes. Another beat and Tom walks out of the stall. He crosses to the sink.

124  INT. RESTAURANT                                             124
Cameron and Sloane have been served their lunches. They're staring at the plates.

CAMERON
What is it?

SLOANE
I don't know. But it looks like it's already been eaten and digested.

CAMERON
I knew it was a mistake letting Ferris order for us.

Ferris slides over to the table and drops into his seat.

FERRIS
What are you doing?

Cameron looks at Ferris.

CAMERON
What is this shit?

FERRIS
You got me. I don't speak French.

He puts his napkin in his lap and smells his plate.

FERRIS
I think it's a land-based beefoid creature.

He takes a bite. He savors the taste.

FERRIS
Splendid.

CAMERON
Really?

FERRIS
Superb.

Cameron and Sloane try theirs. They chew tentatively.

FERRIS
Good?

Sloane and Cameron shrug. It's not bad. A WAITER passes. Ferris stops him.

FERRIS
Yo, Clouseau!

The waiter stops and looks at Ferris indignantly.

FERRIS
I have a growth on my brain that causes memory lapses. Could you tell me what we ordered here?

The waiter glances at the plates.

WAITER
Sweetbreads.

FERRIS
Uh, huh. And what might that be?

WAITER
Pancreas.

FERRIS
As in the gland that has important functions in digestion and metabolism?

CU. SLOANE AND CAMERON
They stop chewing. They're holding their sweetbreads in their mouths.

CU. FERRIS
He continues his questioning.

FERRIS
...That secretes a thick, colorless fluid containing digestive enzymes? The home of the world famous isles of Langerhans?

CU. WAITER
He nods broadly, knowing that he's spoiling the kids' meal.

CU. SLOANE AND CAMERON
They look at each other.

CU. FERRIS
He pats his mouth with his napkin. He looks to Cameron and Sloane. He raises a finger, holds it a beat and gives a cue.

CU. WAITER
He turns away as Sloane and Cameron spit out their food.

CU. FERRIS
He watches Sloane and Cameron then glances at the waiter.

FERRIS
Check, please!

125  EXT. RESTAURANT                                             125
Tom and his two GUESTS are standing at the curb, talking. A cab is waiting. The door's open. In the background Ferris, Sloane and Cameron come out of the restaurant. They approach the cab. Tom's back it to Ferris. Ferris stops cold.

FERRIS, SLOANE, CAMERON
They turns on cue at Tom, now in the background, turns toward the restaurant.

FERRIS
40,000 restaurants in the downtown area and I pick the one my father goes to.

CAMERON
We're gonna get nabbed, for sure.

FERRIS
No way, Cameron. Only the meek get nabbed. The bold survive. Let's go.

He turns to the cab. Sloane and Cameron turn slowly.

EXT. STREET. CAB
Tom and his party are still jawing at curbside. Ferris, Sloane and Cameron slowly approach the cab. Behind the backs of the men, Ferris scoots Sloane into the cab. Cameron dashes in. The Ferris hops the cab.

INT. CAB
Ferris slams the door.

CU. CAB DOOR HANDLE
A man's hand reaches for the handle as the cab pulls away.

EXT. RESTAURANT
Tom and his guests watch in bewilderment at their cab takes off. MUSIC COMES UP.

126  EXT. MUSEUM OR SCIENCE AND INDUSTRY                         126
The grand old Chicago museum.

127  INT. MUSEUM. OVERHEAD SHOT                                  127
The main gallery is crowded with school kids.

 INT. MUSEUM. FLOOR
A class of kids walking along holding hands. Among the second graders are Ferris, Sloane and Cameron, holding hands looking like giant grade schoolers.

INT. MUSEUM. DISPLAY CASE
Baby chicks are hatching in a huge, round incubator. Sloane, Ferris and Cameron are intently watching the process.

INT. MUSEUM. COAL MINE
Sloane, Ferris and Cameron ride in the coal train in the coal mine replica. Ferris and Sloane are making out.

INT. MUSEUM. INDUSTRIAL DISPLAY
Sloane operates a metal press to produce a tin ashtray.

INT. MUSEUM. HEART REPLICA
A giant, walk-thru replica of a human heart. Ferris staggers out of it, clutching his heart, feigning a massive heart attack.

INT. GERMAN U-BOAT
Ferris is examining the controls of the captured U-Boat. He checks to see if he's being watched then he presses a button and pulls a lever.

CU. PROPELLER
For the first time in forty years, the screw turns.

CU. HUMAN FETUS IN A BOTTLE
The famous stages of life display which features bottled fetuses. The ninth month. A tiny human being in a jar.

CU. SLOANE, FERRIS, CAMERON
Sloane wants to cry. Cameron's stomach is in his throat. Ferris is lost in thought. The MUSIC ENDS.

SLOANE 
(remorsefully) I wonder if he has a name?

FERRIS
(blank) Ninth Month.

128  EXT. CHICAGO RIVER. LONG, HIGH SHOT                        128
From the Merchandise Mart, looking down the fetid, green swath of water. A boat is rolling up the man-made canyon.

CAMERON (VO)
Are you guys worried about nuclear war?

FERRIS (VO)
Cameron, it's a beautiful day, we've won our freedom, we're traveling down one of American's most scenic polluted waterways and you have to bring up nuclear war?

SLOANE (VO)
It is kind of raggy subject, Cam.

CAMERON (VO)
Regardless. It's with us every day. The possiblity of global destruction.

SLOANE (VO)
Don't you think it's an issue because people need something to worry about? They have to like, have some major problem that puts all their little bullshit into some kind of persepective?

CAMERON (VO)
Maybe.

FERRIS
They used to have Vietnam. They used to have the oil crisis stuff and Iran. That's over and people have to have their big issue. It's not like somebody came up with the nuclear holocaust yesterday at noon, you know.

SLOANE (VO)
To answer your question...No, I'm not worried about it at all.

FERRIS (VO)
We don't know when the bombs going off. We do know, however, that college starts in the fall.

CAMERON (VO)
(dramatic, deadly serious) Do you know what a nuclear winter is?

Long beat.

SLOANE (VO)
Yeah. Everybody's dead, it's real cold and the skiing's for shit.

The boat makes the turn in the river and CLEARS FRAME.

EXT. BOAT DOCK
The three are sitting on the aft deck of the tour boat. Their feet are up on the railing. Very casual, very relaxed. Discussing the end of the world.

SLOANE
My step-father's always going off about how when he was young he was committed to all these causes.

FERRIS
He's full of shit. All the old hippies are full of shit.

SLOANE
He says I don't care about things like he did.

FERRIS
What's he care about now?

SLOANE
Baldness, fatty meats and money.

FERRIS
I rest my case.

CAMERON
What's spooky is they still control everything. They took over when they were young and they never gave it up.

FERRIS
One of the most frightening experiences of my young life has been observing my parents and our neighbors playing the Baby Boom Edition of Trivial Pursuits. It's chilling to see people crazed with the minutia of their past.

CAMERON
It's human nature to like what you had better than what you have.

SLOANE
Agreed.

A loud speaker on the boat identifies a point of interest.

LOUDSPEAKER
TO YOUR LEFT IT THE WORLD'S TALLEST BUILDING...

The three look to the left.

LOUDSPEAKER, FERRIS, SLOANE, CAMERON
The Sears Tower.

CAMERON
You know, this is all very interesting but I'm starving.

FERRIS
An hour ago you wanted to yack.

CAMERON
I feel better now.

FERRIS
Lean over and grab a fish.

Cameron looks over the side of the boat. An obtuse thought flashes through Sloane's brain.

SLOANE
What comes after a nuclear winter?

FERRIS
Nuclear spring.

129  EXT. SCHOOL                                                 129
Meanwhile...

130  INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE DEAN'S OFFICE                      130
Jeanie is having a small moral debate with herself.

JEANIE
It's reprehensible to squeal on your own flesh and blood...but it's for his own good. His cavalier attitude will get him into trouble later in life...and it'll continue to piss me off and I'll get so wadded-up that it'll cause cervex cancer and he'll ruin my life. Screw him.

She slips into the Dean's outer office.

131  INT. DEAN'S OUTER OFFICE                                    131
Rooney's secretary is behind her desk. Jeanie walks in. The secretary looks up and greets her with a weary smile.

SECRETARY
Hello, Jeanie. Who's bothering you now?

Jeanie scowls at her.

JEANIE
Is Dean Rooney in?

SECRETARY
I'm sorry, he's out. Can I help you?

JEANIE
(condescending) I seriously doubt it. When's he back?

SECRETARY
I don't know. He left the grounds on personal business.

132  EXT. STREET. CU. CURB                                       132

A car tire rolls into FRAME and stops. Slide across to the sidewalk. Rooney's dress shoe steps out onto the pavement. Move up to reveal Rooney standing at the door of his bile-green LeBaron. Rooney peels off his shades and looks around like he's Dirty Harry. In his mind he is Dirty Harry.

CU. FIRE HYDRANT
Rooney's dres shoe on the hydrant. He ties his lace and pulls up his sock.

EXT. STREET
Rooney straightens his tie and jacket and slips into a rowdy hot dog joint.

133  INT. HOT DOG STAND                                          133
It's jammed with construction workers, secretaries, suburban businessmen. It's loud and confusing. Rooney pushes his way in and scopes the crowd.

HIS POV
A young person is playing a video game in a far corner.

CU. ROONEY
He suspects it's Ferris. It look sort of like Ferris. He smiles and cuts into the crowd.

CU. THE BACK OF THE VIDEO PLAYER'S HEAD
MOVE IN on the player.

ROONEY (OC)
I've been waiting a long time for this.

The player looks up.

ROONEY (OC)
Your ass is mine.

The player turns around. It's a GIRL.

CU. ROONEY
The blood evacuates his face. He stares at the girl.

CU. GIRL
She stares at him. She picks up her Coke. She puts the straw to her lips and sucks.

CU. ROONEY
He's still staring. He can't think of anything to say.

CU. GIRL
Holding the straw in the mouth, she draws it out of the cup. She raises it, pointing it directly in Rooney's face.

CU. ROONEY
He squints

CU. GIRL
She blows a strawful of Coke in Rooney's face.

CU. NAPKIN HOLDER
A hand yanks a napkin hold.

INT. HOT DOG STAND. SERVICE COUNTER
Rooney wipes his face. Behind him is the kitchen and a grease-covered TV set broadcasting a Cubs baseball game. There's a long foul ball. The TV camera follows the ball into the stands. A kid makes a stab at the ball. Rooney wipes his suit off. The TV camera zooms in on the boy triumphantly holding the foul ball aloft. It's Ferris. He does a little celebration dance. Rooney wads up the napkin and tosses it in a trashbin. The TV camera returns to the game. Rooney glances at the screen.

ROONEY
What's the score?

HOT DOG MAN
Zero to zero.

ROONEY
Who's winning?

HOT DOG MAN
Cubs.

Rooney nods and exits.

134  EXT. WRIGLEY FIELD. STANDS                                  134
Ferris sits down with the baseball. He shakes his stinging paw. On either side of him are Cameron and Sloane. Cameron's scarfing nachos.

FERRIS
I think I broke my thumb.

SLOANE
Can we leave now?

FERRIS
You want to leave? We just got here.

SLOANE
You got a call, you broke your thumb, what's left to do?

Cameron offers his nachos to Sloane. She looks at them with disgust.

SLOANE
No wonder you're always sick.

Ferris leans back, puts his hands behind his head and turns his face to the bright sun.

FERRIS
Do you realize that if I played by the rules, right now I'd be in gym?

135  EXT. HIGH SCHOOL. PLAYING FIELD                             135
A boy's gym class is doing laps. A blue Fiat pulls into the shot.

136  INT. FIAT                                                   136
Jeanie's at the wheel. She sneaks a glance at the school.

JEANIE
I can't believe my brother's making me put myself in a position where I could get expelled. Selfish little moron. (pause) Ferris? You're overshadowed me long enough. I'm gonna get you, buddy.

She puts the car in gear and drives out of the shot.

137  EXT. STATE STREET                                           137
A parade is underway. Floats and politicians. Marching bands, drum and bugle corps, soldiers, school kids. Figure skating club in outfits and skates performing their routines on pavement. It's GERMAN-AMERICAN APPRECIATION DAY.

EXT. STATE STREET. FLOAT
Riding atop on a float is Ferris. He's waving to the crowd. He and half a dozen homely German-American Beauty Queens. He's leading the girls in singing, "DANKE SHOEN".

EXT. STATE STREET. SLOANE AND CAMERON
They're watching Ferris go by. They wave to him.

SLOANE
I love him.

CAMERON
It's hard not to.

Cameron breaks a smile. As worried as he is about the day and getting caught, he has to admire Ferris for his lack of inhabitions. Cameron mumbles a few words.

CAMERON
Stop...water...want...

SLOANE
Do you believe in reincarnation?

CAMERON
Huh?

SLOANE
Do you believe that you lived before?

CAMERON
Yeah. Sort of.

SLOANE
Do you ever wonder what you were?

CAMERON
I don't have to wonder. I know.

Sloane looks at him with amazement.

CAMERON
I was a tractor tire.

EXT. STATE STREET. FLOAT
Ferris is on his knees, reaching down from the float, shaking hands with people in the crowd.

FERRIS
Guten tag, dude!

EXT. STATE STREET
Sloane and Cameron continue their conversation.

CAMERON
What were you in a previous life?

SLOANE
I'm not sure but I think I know who Ferris was.

CAMERON
Hannibal.

SLOANE
From the A-Team?

CAMERON
No. The guy who rode the elephants into Switzerland.

Sloane laughs at herself. They step out of the crowd and head down the street in the direction the parade's heading.

SLOANE
I think if he was anybody, he was Magellan. You know, the guy who went around the world.

Cameron nods.

SLOANE
I could see him ignoring popular belief and taking off on some impossible mission.

CAMERON
Yeah. As long as I've known him, everything works for him. There's nothing he can't handle. I can't handle anything. School, parents, the future. Ferris can do anything.

EXT. STATE STREET. FLOAT
Ferris is playing "TWIST AND SHOUT" on the accordian. The girls on the float are singing.

FERRIS
WELL, SHAKE IT UP, BABY, NOW!

GIRLS
SHAKE IT UP, BABY

FERRIS
TWIST AND SHOUT!

GIRLS
TWIST AND SHOUT!

FERRIS
COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, BABY ON!
COME ON AND WORK IT ON OUT!

GIRLS
WORK IT ON OUT!

EXT. STREET. SLOANE AND CAMERON
They continue their conversation.

SLOANE
  The future's worse for a boy, isn't it?

Cameron doesn't understand what she means.

SLOANE
A girl can always bail out and have a baby and get some guy to support her.

CAMERON
That's a pretty grim thought.

SLOANE
True, but it's an option. No option is worse.

CAMERON
I don't know what I'm gonna do.

SLOANE
College.

CAMERON
Yeah, but to do what?

SLOANE
What are you interested in?

CAMERON
Nothing.

SLOANE
Me either.

They walk on for a few beats. We HEAR "TWIST AND SHOUT" GROWING LOUDER AND LOUDER. The sons is taking over all the other tunes in the band. It's infecting the entire parade.

CAMERON
What do you think Ferris is gonna do?

EXT. STATE STREET. MARCHING BAND
They're playing TWIST AND SHOUT.

EXT. STREET. MOUNTED POLICE OFFICER
He's singing.

POLICE OFFICER
YOU KNOW YOU LOOK SO GOOD!

EXT. STREET. PUNKS
A band of PUNKS are dancing on the roof of a news kiosk.

PUNKS
LOOK SO GOOD!

EXT. STREET MOTHER AND HER CHILDREN
A WOMAN and her two TODDLERS sing along.

WOMAN
YOU KNOW YOU LOOK SO FINE!

TODDLERS
LOOK SO FINE!

EXT. STREET. BLACK TEENAGER
He's wearing a shower cap and a maroon overcoat.

TEENAGER
COME ON AND TWIST A LITTLE CLOSER!

EXT. STREET. OLD NEWSPAPER SELLER
He singing along.

NEWSPAPER SELLER
TWIST A LITTLE CLOSER!

EXT. STREET. CHOIR GROUP

They're marching down the parade. They're singing in their angleic voices.

CHOIR
AND LET ME KNOW THAT YOU'RE MINE!

EXT. STREET. STREET CLEANERS
With their brooms ready...

STREET CLEANERS
KNOW THAT YOU'RE MINE!

EXT. STREET. DECK
The entire parade is singing and playing "TWIST AND SHOUT".

EXT. STREET. VIEWING STAND
The POLITICIANS and their WIVES stand up.

POLITICIANS AND WIVES
AH!

EXT. STREET. VIEWING STAND
The CLERGYMEN stand.

CLERGYMEN
AH!

EXT. STREET. VETERANS
Marching in formation and in WWII uniforms.

VETERANS
AH!

EXT. STREET. FLOAT
Ferris leads the Beauty Queens in the rousing finale.

FERRIS
AH!

EXT. STREET. WIDE AND HIGH
The entire parade is at frenzy pitch.

PARADE
AHHHHH!

The SOUND OF THE VOICES blends with the SOUND OF A RED-LINED HIGH PERFORMANCE ENGINE.

138  EXT. CALUMET CITY                                           138
The Port of Chicago. Grim, gritty waterfront. Suddenly, Cameron's father's car flies OVER CAMERA. Like the opening shot in Star Wars. The Starship Ferrari. SLO-MO.

CU. FERRARI UNDER-CARRIAGE
It travels past to reveal a beautiful blue sky. SLO-MO.

CU. PARKING ATTENDANT
His eyes are wide with exhilaration. Mouth open, tongue out. Maniac at the wheel. SLO-MO.

CU. RASTAMAN
His eyes are closed. Big smile. SLO-MO,

EXT. STREETS. KIDS
They're looking up in the air, following the car as it flies over them. Broad, excited smiles. The car's shadow passes over them. SLO-MO.

139  CU. CAR GRILLE                                              139
It fills the frame and stops. We MOVE UP to reveal Rooney behind the wheel of his car.

EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE
Rooney gets out of his car. He looks at the house, looks up and down the street, then crosses to Ferris' house.

140  INT. HOUSE. FOYER                                           140
Rooney's at the front door. We see him peek in a window at the top of the door. The doorbell rings.

141  INT. HOUSE. FERRIS' ROOM. COMPUTER                          141
It acknowledges the doorbell.

CU. CASSETTE PLAYER
It clicks on.

142  EXT. HOUSE. FRONT PORCH                                     142
The house intercom activates. We HEAR FERRIS' VOICE.

FERRIS
Who is it?

Rooney presses the intercom.

ROONEY
This is Ed Rooney, Ferris. I'd like to have a word with you.

FERRIS' VOICE
I'm sorry I can't come to the door right now. I'm very ill and I'm afraid that in my weakened condition, I could take a nasty spill down the stairs and subject myself to further school absenses.

There's a pause. Rooney presses the intercom again.

ROONEY
Bullshit! Come down here.

FERRIS' VOICE
You can reach my parents at their places of business. Thank you for stopping by. I appreciate your concern for my well-being. It will be remembered long after this illness has past.

His voice clicks off. Rooney presses the intercom again.

ROONEY
I'm not leaving until you come down and talk to me.

FERRIS' VOICE
Have a nice day.

Rooney presses the intercom.

ROONEY
I'm not leaving, Ferris.

There's no response. Rooney rings the doorbell again. The pre-recorded litany starts over.

FERRIS' VOICE
Who is it?

Rooney doesn't realize that he's listening to a recording.

ROONEY
Don't get smart with me Ferris!

FERRIS' VOICE
I'm sorry I can't come to the door right now. I'm very ill and I'm afraid that in my weakened condition...

Rooney leans back from the door. He can't quite figure out what's going on. But's it's highly suspicious.

143  INT. HOUSE. LIVING ROOM                                     143

Rooney steps through the hedges and peeks in the windows. We HEAR FERRIS' VOICE inside.

FERRIS' VOICE
You may reach my parents at their places of business.

144  INT. HOUSE. KITCHEN                                         144
Rooney tries to peak in the kitchen window.

FERRIS' VOICE
I appreciate your conern for my well-being. It will be remembered long after...

145  EXT. HOUSE. BACKDOOR                                        145
A black rubber doggie door. The type that allows a dog to come and go as it pleases. Rooney is crouched down. He lifts the doggie door and peeks in the house.

HIS POV
Along the kitchen floor. Through the kitchen, into the dining room. We hear a LARGE DOG GROWL.

CU. ROONEY
He's peaking through the door. He hears the dog. His face freezes.

FERRIS
Have a nice day.

EXT. HOUSE. DOGGIE DOOR
A Rottweiler bursts through the doggie door in a fury of gnashing teeth and foam.

146  CU. LARGE BREASTS                                           146
Tassled pasties twirl like airplane propellers.

CU. CAMERON, FERRIS AND SLOANE
They're sitting in a booth in the garish, nearly deserted strip joint. Cameron's mouth is open in amazement. Sloane is embarrassed and revolted.

CAMERON
How does she do that? One goes one way, one goes the other.

FERRIS
She's probably schizophrenic.

SLOANE
Ferris, this is nauseating me. Really. I'm losing respect for you by the bucket.

FERRIS
You don't think it's amazing that we got in?

SLOANE
Who wants to get in?

FERRIS
Cameron looks like a toddler, for Christ's sake. I'm talking about a major achievement in false identification.

SLOANE
I'm not interested in watching someone jiggle their mammary glands.

FERRIS
Point well taken. But consider why she does it. Why she does it and you don't.

SLOANE
I'm not a tramp.

FERRIS
Maybe her life fell apart. Maybe she lost somebody. A lover. A boyfriend. A parent. A child... (to CAMERA) This kind of thing makes me a little depressed. You may think because I'm the age I am that I'm a sex maniac. That sex is all I think about. But that's not true. I'm a romantic. I think alot of people my age are. We think about love and matters of the heart. And SAT scores and acne aside, we worry about lonliness. It's a terrible thing. And we feel it. I feel it.

He flips his collar up, curls his lip and affects an Elvis impression. A sappy, do-wop track FADES UP. The club lights go down. Cameron and Sloane disappear into darkness. Ferris stands up from the booth. He strolls slowly through the empty club as the stripper bumps and grinds in a pool of blue light.

FERRIS
You know, someone said the world's a stage and each must play a part. Fate had me playing in love, with you as my sweetheart. Act one was when we met. I loved you at first glance. You read your lines so cleverly and never missed a cue. Then came act two. You seemed to change. You acted strange. And why, I've never known.

He climbs up on the little runway. The stripper disappears in darkness as Ferris takes over the spotlight.

FERRIS
Honey, you lied when you said you loved me and I had no cause to doubt you. But I'd rather go on hearing your lies than to go on living without you. Now, the stage is bare and I'm standing there with emptiness all around and if you won't come back to me, then they can bring the curtain down...

Elvis fades up. The orignal recording. Ferris lip synchs with the big, dramatic florish that was the King's trademark ballad sign-off.

ELVIS
IS YOUR HEART FILLED WITH PAIN?
SHALL I COME BACK AGAIN?
TELL ME DEAR, ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT?

Ferris drops his head. Like the King would.

147  EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET. CAMERON'S CAR                         147
Cameron's father is looking at the car. He's studying it. It looks terribly familiar. He leans into the open car and reaches for the glovebox to see if the contents will confirm if it's his. He freezes. He looks up slowly.

HIS POV
The Attendant and the Rastaman are glowering at him. They're holding bags of fried chicken.

ATTENDANT
You looking for something in my car?

CU. CAMERON'S FATHER
He shakes his head, no.

CAMERON'S FATHER
No.

148  EXT. FERRIS' TOWN. JEANIE                                   148
Jeanie's standing at her car. She's staring incredulously into the distance. Her mouth's open. She's shaking her head slowly.

HER POV
Spray-painted on the town water tower in gigantic black letters -- SAVE FERRIS BUELLER.

CU. JEANIE
She's furious.

JEANIE
I'm gonna microwave his nuts...

149  EXT. MICHIGAN AVENUE                                        149
Afternoon traffic.

150  INT. TAXI CAB                                               150
Ferris, Sloane and Cameron in the backseat of a checker. Ferris is on one window, Cameron on the other. Sloane's in the middle. Ferris is talking to the DRIVER.

FERRIS
So...

He leans forward and reads the driver's name off the city license.

FERRIS
So, Yuri, how long have you been in America?

DRIVER
One year.

FERRIS
What's your overall impression?

DRIVER
It's very good here.

FERRIS
Better than Russia?

DRIVER
Much better here than in Russia.

FERRIS
Clearly you've never been to an American high school.

Ferris sits back. He puts his arm around Sloane.

CAMERON
It's getting late, Ferris. I have to get the car home. I know you don't care, but it means my ass.

FERRIS
You think I don't care?

CAMERON
I know you don't care.

FERRIS
That hurts, Cameron.

SLOANE
Jump back, Ferris, Cameron's been a good sport.

FERRIS
Cameron, what'd you see today?

Cameron looks at him.

FERRIS
You saw four states, a submarine, a giant heart, seventy five dollars worth of cooked pancreas, two of the most incredible breasts ever to come out of modern plastics, major league baseball and... (quizical look) Are you gonna chuck your nachos?

Cameron's staring past Ferris. He's frozen. Ferris realizes he's looking at something out the window. He turns. He freezes.

HIS POV
In the gridlock traffic, their cab is squeezed tight alongside another cab. In that cab is Tom. He's about a foot from Ferris. He turns and looks right into CAMERA.

TOM'S POV
Ferris' frozen face.

FERRIS' POV
Tom glances back at his paper. He pauses. Looks up. Thinks. Turns back to CAMERA.

TOM'S POV
Sloane is sitting where Ferris was. She's wearing sunglasses, looking bored. She turns and glances out the window. Fakes a yawn.

HER POV
Tom stares at her. He's baffled. He looks away.

INT. CAB. FLOOR.
Cameron and Ferris are on the floor. On their asses, with their backs to the back of the front seat, feet up on the seat.

FERRIS
(to Sloane) What's he doing?

SLOANE
(revolted) He's looking at me and he's licking the glass and making obscene gestures with his hands.

FERRIS
What?!

Sloane bursts out laughing.

SLOANE
Roast!

She licks her finger and touches Ferris knee. She makes a sizzling sound. She collapes on the seat in hysterics.

INT. TOM'S CAB
Tom's looking into Ferris' cab.

HIS POV
Sloane's bouncing up and down.

CU. TOM
He can't quite figure out what's going on. He turns and slowly raises his newspaper over his face. We see on the back of the paper a small story with the headline: COMMUNITY RALLIES AROUND SICK YOUTH.

151  EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE. BACKYARD. DOG                           151
The Rottweiler's chewing on a shoe. Tearing it apart.

EXT. BACKYARD. ROONEY
He's standing outside the fence. He's missing a shoe. His suit pants are torn from the crotch to the knee. His suit coat pocket is torn off. His hair's messed and there're grass-stains on his knees and elbows. He's looking in at the dog.

ROONEY
That's a $28.00 dress shoe, you worthless mutt!

HIS POV
The Rottweiler leaps at CAMERA.

152  EXT. CITY STREET                                            152
Ferris is leading the way down Michigan Avenue. He's hustling through the crowd. He has Sloane by the hand. She's jogging to keep up. Cameron's a few steps behind. He keeps bumping into people. Ferris and Sloane make the turn at Wacker Driver and disappear into the Stone Container Building. Cameron follows, mumbling again.

CAMERON
Money...tits...please...

153  EXT. HOUSE. FRONT                                           153

A florist truck pulls up in front of the house. A DELIVERY MAN gets out iwth a huge floral arrangement. He heads up to the house.

154  EXT. HOUSE. PORCH                                           154

Rooney's sitting on the porch patting a bloody knee with his handkerchief. The delivery man hops up on the steps. Rooney looks up at him. He greets Rooney cheerily.

DELIVERY MAN
Howdy!

He presses the doorbell. A beat and we hear Ferris' recording.

FERRIS' VOICE
Who is it?

The Deliver Man presses the intercom.

DELIVERY MAN
Focus on Flowers. I have a delivery.

FERRIS' VOICE
I'm sorry but I can't come to the door right now. I'm very ill and I'm afraid...

ROONEY       			            		        	FERRIS' VOICE
It's a recording, asshole.			        	...that in my weakened
                       					        	condition, I could take a 
DELIVERY MAN  		       		        	nasty spill and subject
What's your problem?              				myself to further school
                                     					absenses...
ROONEY       				     	            (pause)
He's one of my students. 			            You can reach my parents
				                                    at their places of
DELIVERY MAN            				business. Thank you for
Little bugger's dying.            				stopping by. I appreciate
				                                    your concern for my well-
ROONEY   				               	being. It will be
What?                             				remembered long after
							this illness has passed.

DELIVERY MAN
As I heard it from our mailman he was supposedly born with only half a kidney.

FERRIS' VOICE
Have a nice day.

DELIVERY MAN
(to the intercom) Thank you. (continues) I don't know the details. But my boss had to send to Milwaukee to get more orchids. He's very popular.

Rooney is flabbergasted.

DELIVERY MAN
Nobody's home here?

ROONEY
No.

DELIVERY MAN
You gonna be around for awhile?

ROONEY
I imagine so.

DELIVERY MAN
You wanna keep an eye on these?

Rooney looks at the flowers. Then he looks at the Delivery Man.

DELIVERY MAN
(happy sigh) It really touches me that so many people are rallying behind this guy. I guess there's hope for the human race afterall.

He hands the arrangement to Rooney.

DELIVERY MAN
Gotta run.

He bounds off the porch and trots to the truck. Rooney looks incredulously at the arrangement. He opens the attached card.

ROONEY
(defeated) Oh, Christ...

CU. CARD
It's signed:
    ALL OUR BEST FOR A SPEEDY RECOVERY THE ENGLISH DEPT. FACULTY AND STAFF

155  INT. RADIO STATION STUDIO                                   155
The number one afternoon FM rock'n roll D.J. is sitting behind his microphone.

D.J.
I don't know who that was or what they were playing but I apologize for it nonetheless. (pause) I have a guest with me today...

156  INT. STUDIO. FERRIS                                         156
He put his headphones on.

157  EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE                                          157
Jeanie's car pull in the driveway. We hear her car radio.

D.J.
His name is Ferris Mueller.

FERRIS
Bueller. Ferris Bueller.

INT. CAR. JEANIE
She goes into shock. Her eyes blink, her head cocks.

D.J.
Sorry about that.

FERRIS
It's cool.

Jeanie draws back and punches out her radio.

CU. CAR ANTENNA
The impact of her blow to the radio shoots the antenna in the air.

158  INT. STUDIO                                                 158
Ferris leans forward and adjusts the microphone.

D.J.
He has an incredible story.

Ferris turns to CAMERA.

FERRIS
I'm going to tell a massive lie here. It's going to by very thick and very steamy. I think radio's a facinating medium, it challenges the imagination. Unlike television which provides the images, radio... (pause) You know this. Anyway, it's always been a dream of mine to be on the radio. I have what I consider to be an excellent broadcast voice. I practise it in the bathroom all the time. I used to play records and do introductions to them. But I've never had the chance to sit behind a microphone and try it out for real. This is a 50,000 watt outlet. I'm going out to several million people so let me just say, I'm in a very pleasant groove right now.  (clears his voice, speaks into the mike, affects a "radio" voice) Well, Steve, you and your listeners are probably not going to believe this but...

159  INT. SCHOOL                                                 159
A group of kids are sitting around a blaster.

FERRIS' VOICE
...I'm the first Chicago area youth to be selected to participate in a space shuttle mission.

160  INT. STUDIO                                                 160
Ferris turns from the mike to CAMERA.

FERRIS
I was going to say I knew Springsteen's home phone number and I was going to give out the number of the New Jersey State Police but I thought I might get busted. After I got flunked in driver's ed for sideswiping a mail box, which was not in any way, shape or from my fault. I was putting out a cigarette, like I was told. It was weird. I'm so used to getting in a car and lighting up, because I'm not allowed to smoke at home, that I got in the driver's ed. car and spaced completely, pulled out of the lot, lit up a 'boro and Mrs. Heller looked at me like I'd just pulled a bunny out of my nose or something and I realized what the hell I was doing and I went to put it out and hit the mail box. Anyway, I was so pissed off at her reaction to the whole thing that I considered running an ad in a sleaze magazine for a school teacher that does phone sex and I was gonna use Mrs. Heller's home number but is cost too much. I took it again and passed. But I had to work at Burger King to get the cash to pay for the driver's ed. car. The car got fixed in auto shop for nothing and I think Rooney pocketed the cash. But I can't prove it? I'm in high school, remember?

He turns back to the DJ.

D.J.
How did you get picked for this.

FERRIS
It's kind of a long story but I've been doing alot of programming for NASA.

161  INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY                                        161
A even larger group of kids is listening to the blaster. They're cheering him on.

162  EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE. BACKYARD                                162
The Rottweiler is laying unconscious on the lawn. The flower arrangement is scattered all over the yard and the ceramic vase the flowers were in has obviously struck the dog. The broken pieces are all around the dog's head.

EXT. FERRIS HOUSE. BACKYARD. ROONEY
He's smiling with great satisfaction.

ROONEY
Sleep tight, pooch.

He hears something in the house. His head snaps around. He drops down and peek in the windows.

HIS POV
A glimpse of a fleeting figure.

CU. ROONEY
His eyes dance in anticipation of revenge.

163  INT. HOUSE. FERRIS' ROOM                                    163
Jeanie kicks the door open. The yardstick flings the covers and the pillows beneath them in the air. She stomps in and turns off the snoring synthesizer.

JEANIE
I knew it!

She grabs the phone and sits down. She dials a number.

164  EXT. HOUSE. FRONT                                           164
Rooney sneaks around the side of the house. He slinks up on the porch. The front door's open. He peeks in.

165  INT. FERRIS' ROOM                                           165
Jeanie's on the phone.

JEANIE
Is Mrs. Bueller there? Where is she? This is her daughter. Do you know where she is? Do you know when she'll be back? Do you know anything?

She slams the phone down.

JEANIE
The worm has luck like clams have body odor...

She's startled by a noise downstairs. A smile spreads across her face. He's back and she's going to nail him.

166  INT. HOUSE. FOYER                                           166
Rooney sneaks into the house. He looks around the foyer and heads into the kitchen.

167  INT. HOUSE. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY                                167
Jeanie tiptoes down the stairs.

168  INT. HOUSE. KITCHEN                                         168
Rooney sneaks through the kitchen into the den.

169  INT. HOUSE. FOYER                                           169
Jeanie comes down the stairs into the foyer.

170  INT. HOUSE. KITCHEN                                         170
Rooney comes out of the den, back into the kitchen. He crosses back toward the foyer.

171  INT. FOYER                                                  171
Jeanie sneaks into the kitchen.

172  INT. KITCHEN                                                172
Jeanie and Rooney come face-to-face. Jeanie squeals in horror. She doesn't recognize Rooney as himself but as an intruder. She drops into a karate stance and kicks Rooney in the face. He hits the deck. She flees back up the stairs.

173  INT. CAR                                                    173
Boyd is sitting in the backseat of Joyce's car listening to the radio.

FERRIS' VOICE
My input on the Star Wars defense plan was pretty substantial so I guess this is their way of rewarding me. I'm pretty flattered.

EXT. CAR
Joyce and her clients leave a show house and head toward the car.

INT. CAR
Boyd looks out the window as his parents and Joyce appear.

D.J. VOICE
Can you stay around and take a few phone calls?

FERRIS' VOICE
I'd really like to but I have a kidney  operation in about an hour.

EXT. CAR
Joyce and her clients take one last look at the house.

JOYCE
If you're willing to commit a little time and a little money to this place, you can really have something to be proud of. Don't let the black living room throw you off.

She opens the car door.

INT. CAR
The door opens.

D.J. VOICE
I wish you the best of luck.

FERRIS' VOICE
Thanks, Steve.

D.J. VOICE
A very interesting guy, Ferris Bueller.

Joyce gets in. The clients get in the other side. A song starts.

JOYCE
(to the kid)  Well, Boyd, how are you bearing up?

The kid stares at her.

JOYCE
Did I tell you I have a son your age?

BOYD
Twice.

JOYCE
His name is Ferris. I think you'd like him.

Boyd sits up in the seat at the mention of Ferris' name.

BOYD
Is he going up in the space shuttle in September?

Joyce looks around at Boyd. She gives him a curious look.

JOYCE
Not that I know of.

BOYD
I knew he was bullshitting.

MOTHER
Watch your mouth.

BOYD
How do you watch your mouth?

JOYCE
Do you know my son?

FATHER
Don't pay any attention to him. He thinks it's cute to bait adults.

BOYD
I don't think it's cute. I think it's fun.

Joyce give him a puzzled smile and starts the car.

174  INT. FERRIS' ROOM                                           174
Jeanie's on the phone. She's in a panic.

JEANIE
This is not a phony phone call. There's an intruder, male caucasian, possibly armed, certainly weird, in our kitchen. (pause) My name is Bueller.

There's another pause. Jeanie's face drops.

JEANIE
It's real nice that you hope my brother's feeling better but I'm in danger, okay? I'm very cute, I'm very alone and I'm very protective of my body. I'd rather not have it violated or killed. I need help!

175  INT. KITCHEN                                                175
Rooney's plugging his bloody nose with paper towel. The intercom goes on.

JEANIE'S VOICE
Excuse me. If whoever's in the house is still in the house, I'd like you to know that I have just called the police. If you have any brains whatsoever, you'll get your ass out of my house real quick.

Rooney stiffens with fear.

JEANIE'S VOICE
I'd also like to add that I have my father's gun. And a scorching case of herpes.

176  EXT. STREET                                                 176
Rooney's car is hooked to a tow truck. It's parked in front of a fire hydrant and the windshield is decorated with parking citations. In the distance SIRENS WAIL.

177  EXT. PARKING LOT                                            177
The three are waiting for the Ferrari. We HEAR TIRES SQUEALING, AN ENGINE REVING-OUT. Then the Ferrari pulls down the ramp and jams to a frightening stop. A BLACK GUY jumps out. Ferris hands him the parking stub.

FERRIS
Just out of curiosity, what was your top speed coming down the ramp?

BLACK GUY
(matter-of-fact) About 60.

FERRIS
Stunning!

He hands him a buck and opens the door and pulls the passenger seat forward for Cameron.

FERRIS
This is probably the last time you'll have to ride back here. Keep that in mind.

Cameron gives him a look and squeezes in.

178  EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET                                        178
The Ferrari cruises through traffic.

INT. FERRARI
Sloane's in the passenger seat. Ferris is driving and Cameron is crammed in the back.

SLOANE
What's next.

CAMERON
Nothing. We return the car.

SLOANE
We could go to my house. My parents aren't coming home until late.

FERRIS
We have enough cash left for a quick flight to Peoria and back.

CAMERON
Very funny.

Ferris looks in the mirror and changes lanes. He glances down at the speedometer, then to the road. And back to the speedometer.

FERRIS
Cameron? How many miles did you say this thing had when we left?

CAMERON
One hundred and twenty six and halfway between three and four tenths. Why? How many miles are on it now?

He glances down at the speedometer.

CU. SPEEDOMETER
The odometer reads 432.7.

FERRIS
(to CAMERA) Here's where Cameron goes berserk.

EXT. TRAFFIC
The Ferrari pulls up at a stop light. We HEAR A THUNDERING, MUFFLED SCREAM.

EXT. EXPRESSWAY
The Ferrari is buzzing through traffic.

INT. FERRARI
Sloane turns in her seat and looks at Cameron. Her gesture is one of genuine support.

SLOANE
You okay?

CU. CAMERON
His eyes are frozen in a mindless, vacant stare.

CU. FERRIS
He looks at Sloane. He's concerned.

FERRIS
Hey, Cameron. It's okay. We'll fix it.

CU. CAMERON
He's still holding the stare. He starts to breathe heavily. He's trembling.

CU. SLOANE
She whips around in the seat and grabs his arms.

SLOANE
Cameron! Cut it out! What's wrong?! Ferris!

CU. FERRIS
He shoots Sloane a look.

FERRIS
Cameron, are you okay? It's no problem, really. Your old man won't know a thing. It's completely fixable.

INT. FERRARI
Sloane fires an angry look at Ferris.

SLOANE
Shut-up! It is a problem! For him it's a problem. Nothing's a problem for you. But it's a problem for him! So, just shut-up.

She turns back to Cameron.

SLOANE
What can I do, Cameron?

CU. FERRIS
Eyes front. He knows what he's doing.

179  INT. FERRIS' HOUSE. FOYER                                   179
The doorbell rings. The Ferris' tape is activated.

FERRIS VOICE
Who is it?

We hear a MALE VOICE over the intercom.

VOICE
Anybody home?

FERRIS' VOICE
I'm sorry that I can't come to the door right now...

The tape continues as Jeanie hurtles down the stairs.

JEANIE
I'm saved! Thank you, God! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

She jumps the last few stairs and slides to the front door. She whips it open.

180  EXT. HOUSE. FRONT DOOR                                      180
The door swings open.

JEANIE
Thank...you...

Her jaw goes slack. She blinks her eyes.

HER POV
The Delivery Man and a young ASSISTANT are standing at the door with floral arrangements. Spread all around them are more flowers. A sexy singing NURSE and a BALLOON MAN steps up on the porch.

NURSE
(sings)
WE HOPE YOU'RE FEELING BETTER
WE HOPE YOU'RE FELLING FIT
WE...

The door slams shut.

181  EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET                                    181
Rooney's walking down the street. A school bus is crawling alongside him as kids hang out the windows. From inside we hear SHOUTING and seventeen different SONGS PLAYING ON BLASTERS. A top forty montage.

KID
Hey, Mr. Rooney! What're you doing?

Rooney doesn't respond.

ANOTHER KID
Did you get in a fight?

Rooney keep walking. The bus doors open. The DRIVER calls out to him.

DRIVER
You want a lift?

Rooney takes a few more steps. He stops. The bus stops. Rooney takes a deep breath. He climbs aboard the bus.

182  INT. BUS                                                    182
The bus is jammed with WONKS and WEINERETTES. The passengers are silent as they watch Rooney shuffle down the aisle and take an empty seat next to a skinny, myopic GIRL.

CU. GIRL
She looks at Rooney and smiles. She pushes her Coke bottle glasses up on her nose.

CU. ROONEY
He looks vacantly at her.

CU. GIRL
She holds her smile.

GIRL
I'll bet you never smelled a real school bus before.

CU. ROONEY
He stares at her.

CU. GIRL
She holds up a candy package.

GIRL
Gummi Bear?

CU. ROONEY
He stares at her.

CU. GIRL
She puts one in her mouth.

GIRL
They've been in pocket. They're real soft and warm.

CU. BOY
A rotund FRESHMAN BOY sitting across from Rooney is staring at him.

CU. ROONEY
He looks across to the kid.

CU. BOY
He leans forward.

FRESHMAN BOY
It's kind of like being in the belly of the beast isn't it?

CU. ROONEY
He turns him eyes to the front. The bus jerks forward and pulls away.

183  EXT. BUS                                                    183
It grinds through the gears as it heads down the quiet street. The BLASTERS go back on, the SHOUTING RESUMES.

184  EXT. PARK                                                   184
Cameron's laying on a picnic table. Sloane's sitting beside him on the table. She's stroking his hair. Ferris WALKS INTO THE FOREGROUND. He addresses CAMERA.

FERRIS
This may very well be for real. I think Cameron might have blown a micro-chip or two. He's always been a little keyed-up. All I wanted to do was give him a good day. We're gonna graduate in a couple of months. Then we have the summer. He'll work and I'll work. And we'll see each other at night and on the weekends but then he'll go to one school and I'll go to another. And basically that'll be it. As much as we like each other, the process of growing up will separate us.

He begins to walk. We follow him.

FERRIS
Sloane's a bigger problem. She still has another year of high school. How do I deal with that? I was serious when I said I'd marry her. I would. This isn't just teenage infatuation. That's what my parents call it. What do they call what they have? If that's love, I'll take infatuation.

CU. CAMERON
His eyes are closed. Sloane's stroking his hair.

FERRIS (VO)
Cameron's never been in love. At least no one's ever been in love with him. He's gonna marry the first girl he lays. And she's gonna treat him like shit because he's gonna kiss her ass for giving him what he's built-up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existance. She won't respect him because you can't respect someone who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work.

CU. SLOANE
She's studying Cameron's face. She looks away.

SLOANE
Ferris?

CU. FERRIS
He looks to the picnic table. Then back to CAMERA.

FERRIS
I'm being tested here.

He starts back to the picnic table.

FERRIS
My best friend has flipped-out. Conventional wisdom would suggest a visit to the nearest trauma center. I wouldn't fault anybody for doing that. Me, personally, I think this calls for something new, something bold, something wet and wild.

185  CU. JACUZZI JET                                             185
UNDERWATER SHOT. A hyrdojet spews a gush of air bubbles.

CU. BLASTER
A finger pushes the PLAY button on the cassette. MUSIC COMES UP.

CU. BEER CAN LID
The finger pops a beer.

CU. OREO PACKAGE
A painted fingernail pierces the cellophane wrapper.

INT. JACUZZI
Ferris and Sloane are in Sloane's parents' Jacuzzi. Their clothes are tosssed around the deck. Cameron's been placed in a patio chair at the edge of the Jacuzzi. He's still catatonic. He's mummbling softly. Ferris is drinking a beer. Sloane's eating Oreos.

FERRIS
You feeling any better, Cameron?

SLOANE
The water's really nice. I wish you'd come in.

CU. CAMERON
Staring into space.

CAMERON
Surgery...fire...move...

CU. SLOANE AND FERRIS
They look at each other. She offers him a cookie. He offers her his beer.

FERRIS
Cameron? Do you think this because of the car or is it a combination of everything shitty in your life?

CU. CAMERON
He doesn't respond.

CAMERON
Music...kiss...attack...

CU. SLOANE AND FERRIS
Sloane sips the beer.

FERRIS
You just can't deal with anymore shit? The car took you into the red zone? Time for a reality check?

SLOANE
Cameron? I could flip real easy, too. There's nothing wrong with it. At one time or another, everybody goes to the zoo.

FERRIS
Maybe he was actually sick. Maybe he wasn't bullshitting himself.

CU. CAMERON
No response.

CAMERON
Gesundheit...God...mercy...

EXT. BACKYARD
Ferris and Sloane watch their catatonic friend.

CU. CAMERON
He smiles.

CU. SLOANE
She leans forward and stares at Cameron.

CU. FERRIS
He cocks his head, wondering what Cameron's up to.

CU. CAMERON
He keels over forward.

EXT. BACKYARD
Cameron falls out of the chair and splashes down, face-first, into the water. Sloane screams. Ferris leaps for him.

UNDERWATER
Ferris struggles with Cameron's lifeless bulk.

CU. SLOANE
She's screaming. Ferris thrashes around in the water.

UNDERWATER
Ferris grabs Cameron's collar and rips him out of the water.

EXT. BACKYARD
Ferris sits Cameron on the edge of the Jacuzzi.

FERRIS
CAMERON!

CU. CAMERON
His eyes are closed. He's lifeless.

CU. FERRIS
His face is a mask of terror. He shakes Cameron.

CU. SLOANE
She's screaming.

CU. CAMERON
A smile spreads across his face.

CU. FERRIS
He sees the smile. He stops shaking Cameron.

EXT. JACUZZI
Ferris and Cameron are looking at each other. Sloane's still screaming. She realizes that Cameron's okay. She stops screaming.

SLOANE
What?

FERRIS
(Cameron) You asshole!

Cameron's smiling.

SLOANE
What?

Ferris starts to laugh. Cameron explodes with laughter. Sloane's bewildered.

SLOANE
What's so funny?

186  INT. POLICE STATION. WAITING ROOM                           186

Jeanie's sitting on a wooden bench with a WASTED TEENAGE BOY in a Triumph t-shirt, long hair, torn jeans, creepers, studs and chains. He's studying her.

BOY
Drugs?

JEANIE
No, thank you. I'm straight.

BOY
I meant, are you here for drugs?

Jeanie stares at him.

JEANIE
Why are you here?

BOY
Drugs.

JEANIE
I don't know why I'm here.

BOY
Then why don't you go home?

JEANIE
Why don't you put your thumb up your butt?

The boy stares at her.

BOY
You want to talk about your problem?

JEANIE
With you? Are you serious?

BOY
Yeah, I'm serious.

JEANIE
Blow yourself.

Jeanie turns away. The boy crosses his legs. Jeanie looks back at him.

JEANIE
You really want to know what's wrong?

The boy shrugs.

JEANIE
Alright. If you've got the time, I've got the troubles. In a nutshell, I hate my brother. How's that?

BOY
That's cool. Did you shoot him or something?

JEANIE
No, not yet.

The boy nods. He understands the emotion.

JEANIE
I went home to confirm that the shithead was ditching school and a guy broke into the house and I called the cops and they picked me up for making a phony phone call.

BOY
What do you care if your brother ditches school?

Jeanie stares at the boy.

JEANIE
Why should he get to ditch school when everybody else has to go?

BOY
You could ditch.

JEANIE
I'd get caught.

BOY
So, you're pissed at him because he ditches and doesn't get caught?

JEANIE
Basically.

The boy nods knowingly.

BOY
Then your problem is you.

JEANIE
Excuse me?

BOY
Excuse you. You oughta spend a little more time dealing with yourself and a little less time worrying about what your brother does. It's just an opinion.

Jeanie stares angrily at him. Partly because he's so bold and partly because he's so right.

BOY
There's somebody you should talk to.

Jeanie stares at him threateningly.

JEANIE
If you say Ferris Bueller, you lose a testicle.

BOY
You know him?

CU. JEANIE'S HAND
It curls into a fist.

187  CU. FERRARI TIRE                                            187
It's spinning rapidly.

CU. ACCELERATOR
A brick's resting on the accelerator, holding it down.

INT. CAMERON'S GARAGE
Ferris, Cameron and Sloane are sitting in the garage. The Ferrari is jacked up. The wheels are turning. The engine's racing.

CAMERON
The whole time I was just thinking things over. I was like, meditating. I was thinking about the future. And I realized it doesn't make and difference if the present goes to shit.

FERRIS
I have a agree with you there.

SLOANE
Really.

CAMERON
I've been thinking all day that if you could only have the use of one word, what would it be?

FERRIS
Sloane is naked before your eyes and you're thinking about words?

SLOANE
God bless you, Cameron.

CAMERON
Thank you, Sloane.

CAMERON
If you guys only had one word, what would it be?

FERRIS
I can't believe you'd think up something like with a naked girl in a jacuzzi right in front of you.

SLOANE
Come on, Ferris, answer his question.

FERRIS
Bathroom.

SLOANE
I'd say...

She thinks.

FERRIS
Cash.

CAMERON
It's the only word you could ever use.

FERRIS
Hello.

SLOANE
Love.

FERRIS
And what is you loathe somebody? Are you going to say "love" every time you see them?

SLOANE
It's better than "hello".

FERRIS
Hellos' generic.

SLOANE
You wanna be generic?

CAMERON
It's help.

Cameron smiles at his wisdom. Ferris and Sloane think about it. It's a good choice. Cameron gets up and walks to the Ferrari.

CAMERON
The word is help.

Cameron peeks in the window.

CU. ODOMETER
Nothing's happening.

INT. GARAGE
Cameron pulls his head out of the car.

CAMERON
Ferris? It's not working.

Ferris looks up.

CAMERON
The miles aren't coming off, running it in reverse.

FERRIS
I thought that might be a problem. Let's crack open the odometer and roll it back by hand.

Cameron shakes his head.

CAMERON
I got a better idea. It's cool.

He walks back around behind the Ferrari.

CAMERON
Seventeen years and I've never taken a stand. Now, I'm gonna do it. I'm taking a stand against my father, against my family, against myself, against my past, my present and my future. I will not sit idly by as events that affect me unfold to change the course of my life. I will take a stand and I will defend it. When my father comes home tonight, he's finally going to have to deal with me. Good or bad, I'm taking a stand.

CU. FERRIS
He turns to CAMERA.

FERRIS
This is a big U-2 fan.

CU. SLOANE
She smiles proudly at Cameron. She applauds him.

CU. CAMERON
He's serious and determined. He has made up his mind and it appears that it won't be changed by anyone but himself.

CU. TIRES
It's spinning wildly.

CU. MERCEDES BUMPER
Cameron's foot rests on the bumper. A beat and it gives a mighty shove.

CU. TIRE
The spinning tires slam down on the cement.

INT. GARAGE
Cameron has kicked the Ferrari off the jack. It squeals out of the garage in a cloud of blue tire smoke. A $50,000 unmanned investment heading backwards down a driveway.
     
CU. SLOANE AND FERRIS
They're in shock.

EXT. HOUSE
The Ferrari shoots down the driveway.

INT. GARAGE
Cameron watches the car go. He's strangely placcid about the impending disaster. Ferris and Sloane are bewildered.

THEIR POV
The Ferrari travels down the driveway, across the street, over the curb into the wooded property opposite the house.

CU. TREE
The Ferrari's brief journey ends as it smacks a tree trunk.

INT. GARAGE
Ferris and Sloane exchange baffled looks. They look at Cameron. He's proud and bold.

FERRIS
What was that about?

SLOANE
This has to be a dream.

FERRIS
Cameron? One quick question. Why'd you do that?

Cameron holds his proud posture for a beat. Then a look of bewilderment comes over his face. He shoots a look to Ferris. A puzzled look.

FERRIS
You trashed the car.

Cameron looks across the street.

SLOANE
Why?

CAMERON
I took a stand.

FERRIS
No, Cameron. You wrecked a car.

Cameron thinks for a moment. Then he regains his confidence.

CAMERON
It's okay.

Ferris looks across the street at the car.

FERRIS
I have an idea. If you're interested.

Cameron looks at him. He shakes his head.

CAMERON
I'm gonna handle it.

FERRIS
I think this could work.

CAMERON
No, thanks. I want to deal with it by myself.

SLOANE
What about your one word?

CAMERON
You already did it. If I need it again, I'll use it.

He smiles. He raises am impish eyebrow.

CAMERON
It's cool. I'm loose.

188  INT. POLICE STATION. OFFICE                                 188
Joyce is talking with the juvenile officer. Outside the office, on the bench, we see Jeanie and the boy making out. 

JOYCE
She's never been in trouble before. This is a shock to me. First, I don't know why she wasn't at school. Second, I don't know why she'd call you with this story about a rapist.

OFFICER
For whatever reasons she did it, I think she'd had a good scare.

JOYCE
I hope so. I appreciate your calling me. I can assure you that her father and I will have a long talk with her.

The gathers her purse and jacket and stands.

JOYCE
Thank you.

OFFICER
Oh, by the way, I hope you son's feeling better.

Joyce looks at the officer curiously.

OFFICER
 Tell him, all the guys at the station here are pulling for him.

189  INT. POLICE STATION. WAITING ROOM                           189
Jeanie quickly breaks the embrace with the boy as Joyce steps out of the juvenile officer's room. She's still a little bewildered that everybody knows Ferris was ill. Jeanie wipes her lips and sits up straight. The boy adjusts his pants to better hide his passion.

JEANIE
(to the boy) If you keep this to yourself, I think we can probably get it on pretty good.

BOY
For sure.

Jeanie stands up.

JEANIE
Hi.

 JOYCE
 Don't "hi" me, young lady. Get your stuff.

Jeanie reaches down for her purse.

BOY
What's your name?

JEANIE
Jeanie. What's yours?

BOY
Garth Volbeck.

190  EXT. SLOANE'S BACKYARD                                      190
Sloane and Ferris are standing at the back fence.

SLOANE
I had a great time today.

FERRIS
Yeah. It was pretty cool.

SLOANE
You think Cameron's gonna be alright?

FERRIS
Sure. He had to do it, I guess. His old man had it coming. He'll be okay. I'd be worried if he'd taken my idea.

Sloane smiles knowingly.

SLOANE
You didn't have an idea, did you?

FERRIS
Not a glimmer.

SLOANE
You're so smart.

FERRIS
No. I'm just real loose.

He kisses her.

FERRIS
I'll call you tonight.

Sloane nods. Ferris jumps the fence and takes off across the backyards. Sloane watches him go. A huge smile spreads across her face.

SLOANE
I LOVE YOU!

She backs away from the fence. MUSIC FADES UP.

SLOANE
He's gonna marry me. I know it.

She turns and runs into the house.

191  EXT. BACKYARD                                               191
Ferris sprints across a backyard. He jumps a plaster elf.

192  EXT. ANOTHER BACKYARD                                       192
Ferris vaults a fence. He runs directly for a swimming pool. He's approaching it from the side. He leaps, hits the diving board, springs off, does a flip and lands on the grass on the other side of the pool.

193  CU. BEDSPREAD                                               193
Neatly bundles stacks of bills and rolled coins. A significant amount of cash.

CU. SLOANE
She's writing.

CU. PIECE OF PAPER
We see a portion of the typewritten letter as she signs it.

"...in the amount of $1,765.33. It gives us great pleasure to assist you in performance of your worthy and much needed survives to those so desperately in need.
                              Sincerely,

                              Sloane Peterson
                              Executive Director
                              The Ferris Bueller Foundation"

194  EXT. FERRIS' STREET                                         194
He's running down the middle of the street. A car honks. Ferris moves to the side. The car pulls around him.

INT. CAR.
Tom's at the wheel. He glances in the mirror. He does a take.

HIS POV. MIRROR
We see Ferris cut across a front lawn and into a house.

CU. TOM
He realizes it couldn't be Ferris.

195  INT. HOUSE                                                  195
Ferris runs through the kitchen, past a WOMAN, fixing dinner and out her backdoor. The Woman looks up curiously.

196  EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE                                          196
Tom pulls in the driveway. He parks and gets out. Joyce pulls in from the other direction.

197  EXT. HOUSE. BACK PORCH                                      197
Ferris tries the door. It's locked. He reaches down and lifts the doormat.

CU. PORCH
The outline of a key in the dirt under the mat. The key's gone. The toe of a chewed-up dress shoe steps INTO FRAME. An OMNIOUS CHORD IS STRUCK.

CU. FERRIS
He stares up in horror.

HIS POV
Rooney's looking down at him. He's holding the house key.

EXT. PORCH
Ferris stands up. He smiles.

ROONEY
Looking for this?

FERRIS
Yes.

ROONEY
I got you, Ferris. This time I finally got you.

Ferris is caught. There's no way out. Rooney gloats severely.

ROONEY
How does another year of high school sit with you?

Suddenly, the backdoor opens. Jeanie looks out. She feigns joy and relief. She rushes Ferris and hugs him.

JEANIE
Thank God, you're alright! We've been worried sick!

CU. FERRIS
A moment of curiosity. Then it dawns on him what's happening. He smiles.

CU. ROONEY
His eyes dart from Ferris to Jeanie to Ferris. His victory is evaporating.

EXT. PORCH
Jeanie breaks the embrace.

JEANIE
(to Rooney) Thank you for bringing him home, Mr. Rooney. (to Ferris) You better get up in bed tight now.

Ferris limps into the house.

JEANIE
Can you imagine someone as sick as Ferris trying to walk home from the hospital? (shakes her head) Kids!

CU. ROONEY
He's dumbfounded.

CU. JEANIE
She raises her hands and strikes a karate pose. A huge smile passes over her face.

CU. ROONEY
A look of terror as he realizes that is was Jeanie who kicked him and that Jeanie knows it was he who she kicked.

EXT. PORCH
Jeanie steps into the house.

198  INT. HOUSE                                                  198
The door closes on Rooney's defeated, lost, dejected, bewildered face. Not only has he lost Ferris again, he has Jeanie to deal with next year.

199  EXT. YARD. CU. DOG                                          199
The click of the door wakes him up. His head pops up off the grass.

CU. ROONEY
He senses new danger. We hear AN O.C. GROWL. Rooney squeezes his eyes shut.

200  INT. KITCHEN                                                200
Kimberly and Todd are sitting at the kitchen table watching TV and eating cereal. They look up at Ferris as he comes in from outside.

TODD
Ferris?  Does my head look like it's getting bigger?

Ferris leans against the counter as he tries to catch his breath. He looks at his little brother.

FERRIS
No, but Kimberly's is.

He crosses to the refrigerator and opens it. Kimberly feels her head.

KIMBERLY
(to Todd) Is he serious?

TODD
I think so.

KIMBERLY
Oh, shit!

Ferris takes out a bottle of orange juice out of the refrigerator and drinks straight from the bottle. Jeanie comes in.

FERRIS
Thanks, Jeanie.

JEANIE
No problem.

FERRIS
By the way, I borrowed some cash from you. I'll pay you back.

JEANIE
You don't have to.

FERRIS
I want to.

JEANIE
You don't have to. I've been ripping off your wallet for years.

Ferris gives her a proud smile.

201  EXT. HOUSE                                                  201
Joyce and Tom head up to the kitchen.

202  INT. KITCHEN                                                202
Ferris and Jeanie exit the kitchen as Joyce and Tom enter.

JOYCE
(to Todd and Kimberly) Hi, guys.

KIMBERLY
Is my head swelling up?

203  INT. HOUSE. FOYER                                           203
The foyer is jammed with floral arrangements, plants and gifts. Ferris and Jeanie step gingerly through the flowers and head upstairs.

JEANIE
I'm sorry I've been riding your buns for so long.

FERRIS
It's completely cool.

JOYCE (OC)
Ferris!

Ferris continues up the stairs. He affects a sickly voice.

FERRIS
Upstairs, Mom!

204  INT. SECOND FLOOR LANDING                                   204
Ferris and Jeanie stop.

JEANIE
Do you know a guy named Garth Volbeck?

FERRIS
Vaguely.

JEANIE
Is he cool?

FERRIS
He's cool. But stay away from his brother.

Ferris walks into the room, brushes the crumbs off his hands and peels off his shirt. He climbs into bed. No sooner are the covers over him than the bedroom door opens and Joyce and Tom walk in. They walk over to the bed. Joyce sits down.

JOYCE
Honey?

CU. FERRIS
The same deathly face he had in the morning. Tongue out, eyes bulging.

TOM (OC)
Ferris? How do you feel?

He pulls in his tongue to speak.

FERRIS
(deathly gasp) 150% better, thank you.

205  INT. BEDROOM                                                205
Tom and Joyce hover over him with deep concern.

FERRIS
I'm much better, really. Please, don't make me stay home again. I want to go to school. I'm graduating in June and I...

TOM
Ferris. You're sick. There's no point pushing yourself and making it worse.

FERRIS
Maybe you're right, Dad.

TOM
I know I'm right.

Joyce leans over and kisses him forehead.

JOYCE
How did you get so sweet?

FERRIS
Years of practice.

Tom pats Ferris on the rump. He and Joyce exit.

CU. FERRIS
The hideous face. A beat and we HEAR THE BEDROOM DOOR CLOSE. Ferris looks at CAMERA.

FERRIS
(happy sigh) Yeah, life is a carousel. A great big crazy ball of pure living, breathing joy and delight.

He rolls over on his back and puts his hands behind his head.

FERRIS
You gotta get one.

He smiles.

MUSIC UP BIG

END TITLES

THE END
