The Peaches Papers
In 1992 a young boy, code named Peaches, was a third grader. He was normal in most ways, blonde and skinny, but little did anyone know the twisted little psyche that lay inside his lanky frame.
As it turned out, Peaches had a knack for writing some of the sickest comedies that Smyth Road (his alma mater) had ever seen.
These stories were confiscated by a certain teacher code named "Mrs. Robinson." They were put into the disruptive student files, and have remained untouched until now.
A committee was formed to evaluate the damage caused towards the fragile minds of the fellow classmates who came in dangerous contact of these documents.
After nine years the committee decided that the subjects had matured to a point where evaluation would be complete.
Now juniors in high school, many of these students do not even remember the incident and have blocked it out of their minds, as many traumatized children do. Many, however, still have an acute realization of the horrific event to which they were subjected.
The committee retreated to the dark bowels of the basement of Smyth Road over the last Christmas vacation, a time when no faculty member would be aware of these activities.
Their search was successful, and the documents in question were discovered.
These highly influential and psychologically traumatic manuscripts have been code named "The Peaches Files."
An anonymous person laid hold of a copy of the papers, and sent it (anonymously) to the editor of this site. Here they will be made public as a service to parents wondering if their third grader is sick and twisted.
These are they.
Case Study 1: The Flying Mime
There once was a mime that wished he could fly. But he couldn't. So everyone felt bad for him and threw him off a cliff. And he kinda flew all the way to the rocky bottom.
Case Study 2: How Joe Died
One day Joe decided to go bungy jumping. So he headed for the mountains.
When he got there, Joe saw an ambulance! Suddenly, it moved! Squish went Joe eas the ambulance drove over him.
He wobbled to the cliff. Then two men came with shovels, they dug away at the rock. Sudeenly the rock Joe was standing on fell. By the time he noticed it was too late! Joe got soaking wet.
Joe still wanted to go bungy jumping so he climbed up the mountain gaspiig for breath! Finally Joe got to the top and jumed.
A kid cut the rope and Joe fell into the water!
Five years later a man reported a body in the water. Scientists cant probe it to be Joes body because the water is to deep and a shark ate it!
[note: this was written with the initial spellings used. Some capitalization errors have been corrected].
Case Study 3: The Birch Tree That Thought It Was Dead
When Alex woke up, he suddenly found that he couldn't move. Now many things don't move. But of them all, dead things came to mind. Now Alex never knew what to do when you're dead, cause it had never happened before. But Alex's friend Jimmy had died forty-three times and he said that you have to roll around in moldy cream cheese. Now rolling in moldy cream cheese was a good idea except well, dead things just don't move and if they did they wouldn't be dead. So Alex was bored and didn't have a yo yo with him so he looked around for a tennise table. Great so now I'm a computer software guide book he thought. Meanwhile, in Atlanta a man was--well, actually, I don't want to tell you. Back to the story. Alex was, well, he was standing there acting like a tree, which is very well since that's what proper trees do.
And to see just how twisted this child was, we have included the following documentation of the existence (just so you don't think we're making it up).
From "How Joe Died"
The shark in "How Joe Died."
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