"Cut. Where the hell is Ginger?" sighed the exasperated director.
"Lance, I'm right here, but I can't believe this costume. It's horrendous! I look like a dough ball in it! [she looked like a cookie, she was a cookie] I've been in this business long enough to know [this was her first film, all she'd ever done before was a couple Pillsbury's commercials] that no other actresses have to put up with ugly costumes like this."
Here she would have crossed her arms if she could have done so without breaking them off. Lance had found it was easier to give in to her rather than to argue the point. He waved a hand at the costume designers, signalling for them to change the outfit. They busily began wiping frosting off with damp cloths, as Lance sighed again and flipped through the pages on his clipboard.
Ten minutes later, Ginger was standing before him in a new outfit, smiling daintily. "Okay Lance, I'm ready to go, everything's all better," she said innocently as though it was someone else who had screamed at him not 20 minutes ago.
"Good, then we can get going."
Ginger got in place, and Lance said "Okay, take it from 'One day.'"
"Scene two, take two."
NARRATOR: One day when one of the people was done cooking, she popped out of the oven with a mischevious smile upon her face, and began to run away.
BAKER'S WIFE: Wait, come back!
At this point, Ginger bursted out in tears. "What's wrong, Ginger?" Lance asked, sounding more annoyed than sympathetic.
"I'm so sorry Lance! I forgot the li-[sob]-i-[sob]-iiiiine! [loud waaaaa] Please don't fire me!"
"'Run, run, run, as fast as you can, you can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man,'" Lance read from the script, pronouncing each syllable in a voice that sounded like he was trying not to scream.
Ginger looked at him with big eyes full of crocodile tears. The assistant director approached holding a script and said "Uh, Lance, wrong script. You see, we had some feminists down here this morning, and they were all over us. Gave us a politically correct version we have to use or else they're gonna sue."
Lance looked over at Ginger, with her smudged icing running down her face. "Well," she said, suddenly indignant, "it's not my fault. My friends came down with the new scripts and I haven't had time to get into the new character."
Lance hung his head, trying not to cry. Why did he, of all people, have to deal with this? Why did he have to insist on a real gingerbread man anyway? Oh, all apologies ladies, person. Her feminist friends? The story had always been told with a male lead, Ginger was cast as a male. Considering how hard it was to find a part when a female actress, she was lucky to be employed. She was a cookie for crying out loud! He sighed, collected himself again, and vowed never to work with any baked goods ever again. "Let's try it again," he said in a controlled voice.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Two months, 5 scenes, 6 costume changes and 324 takes later, they arrived at the dramatic conclusion of the screenplay. "Okay, Ginger, when we cue you, you're going to get about halfway through your last word, and then fall into the water, like it's an accident. Okay?"
"Um...shouldn't there be a stunt stand in or something?"
Lance didn't tell her that the stand in had been fired; Lance didn't tell her the water was real. What Lance told her was "Oh no, Ginger, the water's just a special effect."
"But I could have sworn the contract said..." here she began flipping through the 8-page document looking for the clause. Lance also neglected to tell her that he had replaced her old contract the night before with one that didn't have the clause. "Oh, I guess not, nevermind."
"See, Ginger, we wanted to have the opportunity for you to expand your resume."
Ginger, who oblivious to the fact that special effects were added after the shoot, smiled happily and replied with "Oh, okay!"
"Let's see if we can do this in one take," said Lance with a smile.
"Scene 6, take one."
GINGER: I can hear you behind me cursin', but you won't get me I'm the Gingerbread Pers-AAAAAAAAaaaaahhhhhhh!!! [B movie bloodcurdling scream]
After Ginger was reduced to a soggy handful of crumbs, Lance sighed again, but this time it was a sigh of satisfaction. This was to be his most realistic ending yet, and least expensive because it had no special effects. The critics were going to love the twist ending where the gingerbread person falls into the water instead of getting eaten. But most of all, Lance was glad to get rid of Ginger.
