Language

How to write

Writing is easy: just sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.

There’s nothing to writing. Just sit down at a keyboard and open a vein.

Begin!

They were never begun.

She spat at him and pulled the trigger.

Is this crap I wrote worth reading?

We don’t read & write poetry because it’s cute. We read & write poetry because we’re members of the human race, and the human race is filled with passion.

Medicine, law, business, and engineering are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life; but poetry, beauty, romance, and love are what we stay alive for.

But if you’re super-worried about privacy, go be a chicken-head: publish under a pseudonym. For example, you can call yourself “Lo-ann Li,” so you’ll be known as the Lo-ann Li poet.

Nothing’s stopping you from using 2 pseudonyms, for 2 kinds of poems. For example, you could do lighter verse under the name “Ha-pi,” so you’d also be known as the Ha-pi poet.

But the best choice is to merge the two. Cry, then step back and giggle. For example, Robert Frost’s poem called “New Hampshire” goes on for 10 pages about how beautiful New Hampshire is, but then comes his last line: “I live in Vermont.” You could write a poem full of pathos and bathos then end with, “On the other hand....”

The challenge is to put a mix of emotions into a poem, to make a poem rich, without making the poem seem accidentally disjointed.

It takes hard writing to make easy reading.

Writing’s an exploration. You start from nothing and learn as you go.

I love writing. I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human emotions.

Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? He thinks I don’t know the ten-dollar words. I know them all right. But there are older and simpler and better words, and those are the ones I use.

When writing, pause after each paragraph and read aloud. Do you keep stumbling over certain words or phrases? If so, it needs rewriting. Does it flow smoothly and easily? If not, rewrite. After all, if you can’t read your own stuff, who can?

The most solid advice for a writer is: try to breathe deeply, really taste food when you eat, and when you sleep really sleep. Try to be wholly alive with all your might. When you laugh, laugh like hell. When you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You’ll be dead soon enough.

Perfection’s attained not when there’s nothing more to add, but when there’s nothing more to remove.

It’s fairly easy to produce heat but very tough to produce light.

It takes a heap o’ writin’

To make a poem come home,

To beautify each little phrase

So critics do not groan.

It takes a heap o’ writin’

To make a poem work out.

Ya gotta keep on tryin’

To clean out all the grout.

There’s no money in poetry, but there’s no poetry in money either.

A poet can’t say, “Tomorrow I’ll write a poem and, thanks to my training and experience, I know I’ll do a good job.” In the eyes of others, a man’s a poet if he’s written one good poem; but in a poet’s own eyes, he’s a poet just at the moment when he’s making his last revision to a new poem. The moment before, he was just a potential poet; the moment after, he’s a man who’s ceased to write poetry, perhaps forever.

Finishing a book is just like you took a child out in the back yard and shot it.

Writing’s a form of personal freedom. It frees us from the mass identity we see around us. In the end, writers will write not to be outlaw heroes of some under-culture but mainly to save themselves, to survive as individuals.

Too long, too formal, too stuffy     Shorter, cheerier, better

I will                                                        I’ll

I am                                                         I’m

I have                                                      I’ve

I would                                                    I’d

large                                                         big

utilize                                                       use

somebody                                                someone

everybody                                                everyone

upper-left corner                                      top-left corner

the beginning of the book                         the book’s beginning

Jack, president of the club, said                 The club’s president, Jack, said

This report’s purpose is to explain taxes.   This report explains taxes.

The following examples show how:          These examples show how:

, as shown in the following examples:       . Here are examples:

The reader should press the Enter key.      Press the Enter key.

You should press the Enter key.                Press the Enter key.

Bad:      I only drink tea.

Better:   I just drink tea.

Best:     I drink just tea.

Substitute “damn” every time you’re inclined to write “very”; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Wrong because sexist:  a policeman should keep his ID in his pocket.

Wrong because stuffy: a police officer should keep his/her ID in his/her pocket.

Right:                          if you’re a police officer, keep your ID in your pocket.

Wrong: Red, blue, and yellow are the primary colors.

Right:   The primary colors are red, blue, and yellow.

Wrong: Jack Smith, Jean Jones, and Tina Turner are the leaders.

Right:   The leaders are Jack Smith, Jean Jones, and Tina Turner.

In March 1979, George Trigg published the list in a physics journal.

In October 1979, William Safire wrote a New York Times column saying he was making his own list and thanking Philip Henderson for contributing some rules. In November 1979, he wrote a longer list. In 1990, he wrote a whole book based on those rules, which he called “Fumble Rules.”

Later, improved versions were posted on the Internet at many Web sites, such as sites run by PBS and the National Institute of Health.

Punctuation

Don’t overuse “quotation marks.”

Don’t overuse exclamation points!!!

Don’t use commas, that aren’t necessary.

Just Proper Nouns should be capitalized.

Don’t use question marks inappropriately?

Its important to use apostrophe’s in the right places.

Don’t write a run-on sentence you’ve got to punctuate it.

Use hyphens in compound-words, not just where two-words are related.

In letters compositions reports and things like that use commas to keep a string of items apart.

Vocabulary

Don’t abbrev.

Profanity sucks.

Avoid mispellings.

Puns are for children, not groan readers.

Don’t use contractions in formal writing.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

A writer must avoid sexist pronouns in his writing.

Always avoid annoying, affected, awkward alliteration.

Never use totally cool, radically groovy, outdated slang.

No sentence fragments! Complete sentences: important!

Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

The bottom line is to bag trendy locutions that sound flaky.

Never use a big word where you can utilize a diminutive one.

In the case of a report, check to see that jargonwise, it’s A-OK.

Foreign words and phrases are the reader’s bete noir and not apropos.

Eschew obfuscation. Employ the vernacular. It behooves us all to avoid archaic expressions.

Verbs

Don’t verb nouns.

One-word sentences? Never!

The passive voice is to be avoided.

Remember to never split an infinitive.

Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

If any word is improper at a sentence’s end, a linking verb is.

Watch out for irregular verbs that have creeped into our language.

Lay down and die before using a transitive verb without an object.

Adverbs

The adverb always follows the verb.

Hopefully, you won’t float your adverbs.

Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.

By observing distinctions between adjectives and adverbs, you’ll treat readers real good.

Conjunctions

Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.

And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.

Plurals

Make sure your verb and subject is in agreement.

Each pronoun should agree with their antecedent.

Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

Objects

Just between you and I, case is important.

Don’t be a person whom people realize confuses who and whom.

Comparisons

Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

Mixed metaphors are a pain in the neck and ought to be weeded out.

Negation

Don’t use no double negatives.

Don’t make negative statements.

Never contradict yourself always.

Don’t put sentences in the negative form.

Reasoning

Be more or less specific.

One should never generalize.

Who needs rhetorical questions?

Generalizations must always be eliminated.

Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”

If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times: exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Lengthy sentences

A writer must not shift your point of view.

A preposition isn’t a good thing to end a sentence with.

Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are superfluous.

Parallel structure will help you in writing more effective sentences and to express yourself more gracefully.

Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.

Don’t string together too many prepositional phrases, unless you’re walking through the valley of the shadow of death.

Stamp out and eliminate redundancies. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If you reread your work, you’ll find, on rereading, lots of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

Never go off on tangents, which are lines that intersect a curve at just one point and were analyzed by Euclid, who lived before Christ in Greece, which got conquered by the Romans but later hosted the 2004 Olympics.

Avoid those run-on sentences that just go on, and on, and on; they never stop, they just keep rambling, and you really wish the person would just shut up, but no, they just keep going; they’re worse than the Energizer Bunny; they babble incessantly; and these sentences, they just never stop: they go on forever, if you get my drift.

Phrases

Always pick on the correct idiom.

As far as incomplete constructions, they are wrong.

Go out of your way to avoid colloquialisms, ya’ know? Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

Last but not least, even if you have to bend over backward, lay off clichés like the plague: they’re old hat, so seek viable alternatives.

Punctuation

Don’t overuse quotation marks.

Don’t overuse exclamation points.

Don’t use commas that aren’t necessary.

Just proper nouns should be capitalized.

Don’t use question marks inappropriately.

It’s important to use apostrophes in the right places.

Don’t write a run-on sentence: you’ve got to punctuate it.

Use hyphens in compound words, not just where two words are related.

In letters, compositions, reports, and things like that, use commas to keep a string of items apart.

Vocabulary

Don’t abbreviate.

Profanity is disgusting.

Avoid misspellings.

Puns are for children, not adults.

Do not use contractions in formal writing.

Proofread carefully to see if you left any words out.

A writer must avoid sexist pronouns.

Don’t use awkward alliteration.

Never use outdated slang.

Don’t write sentence fragments! Completing sentences is important!

Use words correctly, regardless of how others use them.

Don’t use faddish expressions.

Never use a big word where you can use a small one.

In the case of a report, check to see that it’s free of jargon.

Foreign words and phrases are the reader’s nightmare and not appropriate.

Don’t complicate. Use colloquial speech. Avoid archaic expressions.

Verbs

Don’t turn nouns into verbs.

Never have one-word sentences.

Avoid the passive voice.

Remember: never split an infinitive.

To write carefully, avoid dangling participles.

Don’t end a sentence with a linking verb.

Watch out for irregular verbs that have crept into our language.

Lie down and die before using a transitive verb without an object.

Adverbs

The adverb follows the verb, always.

I hope you won’t float your adverbs.

Be careful to use adjectives and adverbs correctly.

By observing distinctions between adjectives and adverbs, you’ll treat readers really well.

Conjunctions

Join clauses well, as a conjunction should.

Don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.

Plurals

Make sure your verb and subject are in agreement.

Each pronoun should agree with its antecedent.

Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns
in writing.

Objects

Just between you and me, case is important.

Don’t be a person who people realize confuses who and whom.

Comparisons

Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be shushed.

Mixed metaphors are a pain in the neck and ought to be massaged out.

Negation

Don’t use double negatives.

Avoid negative statements.

Never contradict yourself.

Avoid putting sentences in the negative form.

Reasoning

Be specific.

Avoid generalizing.

Rhetorical questions are unnecessary.

Generalizations should usually be eliminated.

Eliminate quotations: tell me what you know.

As I’ve said before, exaggeration is much worse than understatement.

Lengthy sentences

As a writer, you must not shift your point of view.

A preposition isn’t a good thing with which to end a sentence.

Parenthetical remarks are superfluous.

Parallel structure will help you write more effective sentences and express yourself more gracefully.

Place pronouns as close as possible to their antecedents, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words.

Don’t string together too many prepositional phrases, unless you’re walking through the valley of death’s shadow.

If you reread your work, you’ll find lots of repetition to edit out.

Never go off on tangents.

Avoid sentences that ramble.

Phrases

Always pick the correct idiom.

As far as incomplete constructions go, they are wrong.

Make an effort to avoid colloquialisms.

Avoid clichés: they’re stale, so seek fresh alternatives.

Many newspapers belong to a collective called The Associated Press (AP), whose style is explained in The Associated Press Stylebook and called
AP style. When newspapers submit articles to AP, the articles must be written in AP style.

Many newspapers dislike some details of AP style. For example, The New York Times uses its own style, explained in The New York Times Manual of Style and Usage and called New York style. Articles that appear in The New York Times are written in New York style. (Afterwards, when The New York Times offers those articles to AP for other newspapers to use, the articles must be rewritten into AP style.)

Many book publishers use the style invented at the University of Chicago Press, explained in The Chicago Manual of Style, and called Chicago style.

Many colleges make students write research papers in a style invented by the Modern Language Association (MLA), explained in the MLA Handbook for Writers of Research Papers and called MLA style.

All those styles were invented by modern committees, but many editors instead prefer using styles that are more personal, such as Margaret style (explained by Margaret Nicholson in her 1957 book American English Usage, which updates Fowler’s 1926 book Modern English Usage) or Theodore style (explained by Theodore Bernstein in his 1965 book The Careful Writer) or Russ style (explained here by me, Russ Walter, and used in my books, The Secret Guide to Computers and Tricky Living).

I saw Joe, Mary, and Sue.                                   (comma before “and”)

I saw Joe, Mary and Sue.                                   (no comma before “and”)

I admire my parents, Mother Teresa, and God.

I love my parents, Lady Gaga, and Humpty Dumpty.

I love Lady Gaga, Humpty Dumpty and my parents.

For breakfast I ate sausage, ham, and eggs.

They interviewed his 2 ex-wives, Kris Kristofferson and Robert Duvall.

wikipedia.org/wiki/Serial_comma

grammarly.com/blog/what-is-the-oxford-comma-and-why-do-people-care-so-much-about-it

He called her “wonderful”.                   (period after the quotation mark)

He called her “wonderful.”                   (period before the quotation mark)

Put a period or comma before the quotation mark.

Put a colon or semicolon after the quotation mark.

Put a question mark before the quotation mark just if what’s quoted is a question. Put an exclamation point before the quotation mark just if what’s quoted was exclaimed.

Put a colon or semicolon after the quotation mark.

Put a question mark before the quotation mark just if what’s quoted is a question. Put an exclamation point before the quotation mark just if what’s quoted was exclaimed.

If you’re typing a typical document, follow this rule: put a period or comma before the quotation mark (to look pretty). But if your document is about “how to punctuate” or “how to type” or “how to write a computer program,” put a period after the quotation mark (to make sure the reader doesn’t think you want a period typed).

I have 12 friends.                                            (number as digits)

I have twelve friends.                                     (number spelled out)

Russ spells out just the numbers zero and one.

AP and New York spell out the numbers up through nine, except that the age of a person or animal is never spelled out.

MLA spells out the numbers up through one hundred, plus any other number that can be expressed in two words (such as “fifteen hundred”).

Chicago spells out all the numbers up through one hundred, plus any big number that looks rounded because it can be expressed in hundreds, thousands, hundred thousands, or millions (such as “forty-seven thousand” and “two hundred thousand”).

12 friends came here.                                      (number as digits)

Twelve friends came here.                              (number spelled out)

At a sentence’s beginning, New York, Chicago, and MLA spell out any number. At a sentence’s beginning, AP spells out any number except a year (such as 2006). But instead of putting a big number at a sentence’s beginning, all those editors (at New York, Chicago, MLA, and AP) recommend rearranging the sentence, to put the big number elsewhere.

At a sentence’s beginning, Russ normally spells out just the numbers zero, one, and two; but if the preceding sentence (in the same paragraph) ends in digits, Russ spells out any number up through twelve.

He got 99.8 percent of the money.                   (the word “percent”)

He got 99.8 per cent of the money.                  (the words “per cent”)

He got 99.8% of the money.                           (the symbol “%”)

MLA and Russ write the symbol “%.”

AP writes the word “percent.”

New York usually writes the word “percent” but writes the symbol “%” instead in tables, graphs, and headlines.

Chicago usually writes the word “percent” but writes the symbol “%” instead if the page is mainly about science or statistics.

In their old books, Margaret and Theodore wrote the words “per cent,” but if they were writing today they’d probably switch to “percent,” since
“per cent” has become rare.

Russ writes “U.S.”

Margaret writes “U.S.” (but writes “US” in reference books where there’s not enough room to include the periods).

AP writes “United States” (but writes “U.S.” if used as an adjective).

MLA writes “United States” (but writes “US” in citations, such as footnotes, endnotes, bibliographies, and parenthetical comments).

Chicago writes “United States” (but writes “U.S.” if used as an adjective or citation in a normal book, “US” if used as an adjective or citation in a science book).

New York writes “United States” (but writes “U.S.” in headlines, tables, charts, picture captions, names of interstate highways, and where “U.S.” is part of an organization’s official name).

He came from Oakland, California, by bus.     (full name)

He came from Oakland, Cal., by bus.              (traditional abbreviation)

He came from Oakland CA by bus.                 (2-letter abbreviation)

MLA and Chicago write the state’s full name (such as “California”).

Russ writes the state’s 2-letter abbreviation (such as “CA”).

New York writes the full name for Alaska, Hawaii, Idaho, Iowa, Ohio, and Utah but writes traditional abbreviations for all other states (such as “Cal.”).

AP writes the full name for Alaska, Hawaii, and states whose names are short (Idaho, Iowa, Maine, Ohio, Texas, and Utah) but writes traditional abbreviations for all other states (such as “Cal.”).

Atlanta, Baltimore, Boston, Chicago, Cincinnati, Cleveland, Dallas, Denver, Detroit, Honolulu, Houston, Indianapolis, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Miami, Milwaukee, Minneapolis, New Orleans, New York, Oklahoma City, Philadelphia, Phoenix, Pittsburgh, Salt Lake City, San Antonio, San Diego, San Francisco, Seattle, St. Louis, Washington

Albuquerque, Anchorage, Colorado Springs, Des Moines, El Paso, Fort Worth, Hartford, Hollywood, Iowa City, Memphis, Miami Beach, Nashville, New Haven, Omaha, Sacramento, St. Paul, Tucson, Virginia Beach

Albany, Buffalo, Rochester, Syracuse, White Plains, Yonkers

Atlantic City, Jersey City, Newark, Trenton

Beijing, Berlin, Djibouti, Geneva, Gibraltar, Guatemala City, Havana, Hong Kong, Jerusalem, Kuwait City, London, Luxembourg, Macau, Mexico City, Monaco, Montreal, Moscow, New Delhi, Ottawa, Paris, Quebec City, Rome, San Marino, Singapore, Tokyo, Toronto, Vatican City

Algiers, Amsterdam, Athens, Bangkok, Bombay, Bonn, Brasília, Brussels, Budapest, Buenos Aires, Cairo, Calcutta, Cape Town, Copenhagen, Dublin, Edinburgh, Frankfurt, Glasgow, The Hague, Istanbul, Johannesburg, Lisbon, Madrid, Manila, Milan, Oslo, Panama, Prague, Rio De Janeiro, San Salvador, Shanghai, Stockholm, Tehran, Tel Aviv, Tunis, Venice, Vienna, Warsaw, Zurich

Here’s what I think: Love conquers all.           (capital after colon)

Here’s what I think: love conquers all.            (no capital after colon)

AP and Theodore capitalize if the word begins a sentence (such as “Love conquers all”).

MLA capitalizes just if the word begins a sentence that’s a rule or principle (such as “Love conquers all”).

Chicago capitalizes just if the word begins a list of sentences (at least two sentences).

Russ capitalizes just if the word begins a new paragraph (so it’s on a new line); and in that case, Russ draws a box around the new paragraph (like the paragraph you’re reading now).

New York capitalizes just if the phrase before the colon (“Here’s what I think”) just introduces the sentence after the colon.

9:30AM                                                   (capitals, no periods, no spaces)

9:30 a.m.                                                  (a space and periods, no capitals)

It’s an historic event.                                (“an” before “historic”)

It’s a historic event.                                  (“a” before “historic”)

Quick wits

I hate writing. I love having written.

I’ll stay the way I am, ’cause I don’t give a damn.

Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.

Lips that taste of tears, they say, are the best for kissing.

It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.

All I need is room enough to lay a hat and a few friends.

I don’t care what is written about me, so long as it isn’t true.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Ducking for apples — change one letter and it's the story of my life.

Friends come and go, but I wouldn’t have thought you’d be one of them.

This wasn’t just plain terrible, it was fancy terrible. It was terrible with raisins in it.

What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can’t hear an enzyme.

If all the girls attending the Yale prom were laid end to end,

I wouldn’t be surprised.

Love is like quicksilver in the hand:

leave the fingers open and it stays; clutch it and it darts away.

I wish I could drink like a lady.

I can take 1 or 2 at the most.

3 and I’m under the table.

4 and I’m under the host.

Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,

A medley of extemporanea;

And love is a thing that can never go wrong;

And I am Marie of Romania.

If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy.

Wit has truth to it. Wisecracking is just calisthenics with words.

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There’s no cure for curiosity.

QuoteInvestigator.com/2015/11/01/cure

Hermits have no peer pressure.

What a nice night for an evening!

What’s another word for thesaurus?

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I bought batteries, but they weren’t included.

I got powdered water. I don’t know what to add.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Many people are afraid of heights. Not me. I’m afraid of widths.

I think it’s wrong that just one company makes the game Monopoly.

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

A friend sent me a picture postcard of the earth. The back said, “Wish you were here.”

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your 2 cents worth, then someone somewhere is making a penny.

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach. That pisses me off. I’ll go over to a little baby and ask, “What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!”

2 babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. 80 years later, by bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One looked at the other and said, “So, what did you think?”

Q:   Which is better: to go a school dance with a creep or sit home?

A:   Go with the creep, and look over the crop.

Q:   My boyfriend’s going to be 20 next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like?

A:   Never mind what he’d like. Give him a tie.

Q:   I've been going with a girl for a year. How can I get her to say yes?

A:   What’s the question?

Q:   I've been going steady with a man for 6 years. We see each other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him; but he never mentions marriage. Do you think he’s going out with me just for what he can get?

A:   I don’t know. What's he getting?

Q:   What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?

A:   Night and day.

Q:   I know boys will be boys, but my “boy” is 73 and still chasing women. Any suggestions?

A:   Don't worry. My dog’s been chasing cars for years; but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.

Q:   I want to have my family history traced but can't afford to pay for it. Any suggestions?

A:   Run for public office.

Q:   About 4 months ago, the house across the street was sold to a “father and son” — or so we thought. Later we learned it was an older man about 50 and a young fellow about 24. This was a respectable neighborhood before this “odd couple” moved in. They have all sorts of strange-looking company: men who look like women, women who look like men, blacks, whites, Indians. Yesterday I even saw 2 nuns go in there! These weirdoes are wrecking our property values! How can we improve the quality of this once-respectable neighborhood?

A:   You could move.

The rich man has his motor car,

His country and his town estate.

He smokes a 50-cent cigar

And jeers at fate.

But though my lamp burns low and dim,

Though I must slave for livelihood,

Think you that I would trade with him?

You bet I would!

The actress has her in-car bar,

Her L.A. and New York estates.

She snorts coke from a 10-pound jar

And jeers at fates.

Yet though I’m but an unknown blur,

Though I must slave for livelihood,

Think you that I would trade with her?

You bet I would!

— Except my doctor said I should

Not kill myself as that girl would.

Coming soon to the theater that’s you!

“I can’t bear fools.”

Dorothy Parker: “Apparently your mother could.”

“A journalist requests an interview.”

Dorothy Parker: “Tell him I’m too fucking busy, and vice versa.”

“Use ‘horticulture’ in a sentence.”

Dorothy Parker: “You can drag a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.”

“Do you think Katharine Hepburn is a great actress?”

Dorothy Parker: “She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.”

“Calvin Coolidge died.”

Dorothy Parker: “How can they tell?”

“I enjoyed reading your book. Who wrote it for you?”

Ilka Chase: “I’m so glad you liked it. Who read it for you?”

“Since you’re autographing things, why don’t you autograph my penis?”

Truman Capote: “I don’t know if I can autograph it, but perhaps I can initial it.”

“Did you go to the funeral?” Mark Twain: “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

“What do you think of her?” P.G. Wodehouse: “She looked as if she’d been poured into her clothes and forgotten to say ‘when.’”

“What do you think of Richard Nixon?” James Reston: “He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears. But by diligent hard work, he overcame them.”

“Must you fall asleep while I’m speaking?”

Winston Churchill: “No, it’s purely voluntary.”

Lady Astor: “If you were my husband, I’d put poison in your coffee.” Winston Churchill: If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”

“You’re drunk!” Winston Churchill: “You’re right. And you’re ugly. But tomorrow morning, I’ll be sober, and you’ll still be ugly.”

Playwright George Bernard Shaw: “I’ve reserved you 2 tickets for opening night. Come and bring a friend — if you have one!” Winston Churchill: “Impossible to come first night. Will come second night — if you have one!”

“You’re 2-faced.” Abraham Lincoln replied: “If I had 2 faces, do you think I’d be wearing this one?”

“I’ve bet against a fellow who said it’s impossible to get more than 2 words out of you.” Calvin Coolidge replied: “You lose.”

“What do you think of Western civilization?”

Mohandas Gandhi: “I think it would be a wonderful idea.”

“What do you think of America?”

King Edward 8: “The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children.”

“You shouldn’t have said half the cabinet are asses.”

Benjamin Disraeli: “I withdraw my statement. Half the cabinet are not asses.”

“Take a drug test.”

Fritz Hollings: “I’ll take a drug test if you’ll take an IQ test.”

“I’d rather be right than be President.”

Thomas Brackett Reed: “You need not trouble yourself. You’ll neither be either.”

“What do you think of Lyndon Johnson?”

Dean Acheson: “A real centaur: part man, part horse’s ass!

“Is Ringo Starr the best drummer in the world?”

John Lennon: “He’s not even the best drummer in the Beatles.”

“Did you like the opera I composed?”

Ludwig van Beethoven: “I like your opera. I think I’ll set it to music.”

“Why do I have 10 kids? Because I love my wife.” Groucho Marx: “I love my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.”

A singer: “I insured my voice for $50,000.” Miriam Hopkins: “That’s wonderful. And what did you do with the money?”

Noel Coward: “You look almost like a man.” Edna Ferber: “So do you.”

“You made more money than President Herbert Hoover.” Babe Ruth: “Maybe, but I had a better year than he did.”

“Did you read my book?” Moses Hadas: “Thanks for sending me a copy of your book. I’ll waste no time reading it.”

https://rewind.topix.net/slideshow/20423

Weird writing

The 6^th sick sheik’s 6^th sheep’s sick.

The 6^th sick sheik’s 6^th sheep’s sick,

so 6 slick sheiks sold 6 sick sheep 6 silk sheets.

“sixish”

“toy boat”

“big whip”

“3 free throws”

“mixed biscuits”

“cheap ship trip”

“Peggy Babcock”

“selfish shellfish”

“Irish wristwatch”

“unique New York”

“black bug’s blood”

“inchworms inching”

“red blood, blue blood”

“good blood, bad blood”

“shredded Swiss cheese”

“6 short slow shepherds”

“caution: wide right turns”

“11 benevolent elephants”

“the myth of Miss Muffet”

“the epitome of femininity”

“quick-witted cricket critic”

“Tim, the thin twin tinsmith”

“Mrs. Smith’s fish-sauce shop”

“9 nice night nurses nursing nicely”

“6 simmering sharks, sharply striking shins”

 “Ed had edited it.”

“Please pay promptly.”

“Chop shops stock chops.”

“Whistle for the thistle sifter.”

“Sure, the ship’s shipshape, sir.”

“A noisy noise annoys an oyster.”

“Betty better butter Brad’s bread.”

“Is this your sister’s 6^th zither, sir?”

“Friendly Frank flips fine flapjacks.”

“The 2:22 train tore through the tunnel.”

“Sam’s shop stocks short spotted socks.”

“Can a clam cram in a clean cream can?”

“Which witch wished which wicked wish?”

“Many an anemone sees an enemy anemone.”

“When does the wristwatch-strap shop shut?”

“Fred fed Ted bread, and Ted fed Fred bread.”

“Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?”

“They both, though, have 33 thick thimbles to thaw.”

“Mrs. Smith’s fish-sauce shop seldom sells shellfish.”

“Give papa a proper cup of coffee in a copper coffee cup.”

Don’t pamper damp scamp tramps

That camp under ramp lamps.

6 sick hicks

Nick 6 slick bricks

With picks and sticks.

If 2 witches were watching 2 watches,

Which witch would watch which watch?

She sells seashells on the seashore.

The shells she sells are seashells, she’s sure.

Ruby Rugby’s brother bought and brought her

Back some rubber baby-buggy bumpers.

A skunk sat on a stump

And thunk the stump stunk,

But the stump thunk the skunk stunk.

A flea and a fly, I fear, flew to a flue.

Said the flea to the fly, “Let us flee!”

Said the fly to the flea, “Let us fly!”

So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,

It’s slick to stick a lock upon your stock.

A stickler who is slicker

Could stick you of your liquor

If you don’t lock your liquor with a lock.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck

If a woodchuck could chuck wood?

He’d chuck, he would, what a woodchuck could

If a woodchuck could chuck wood.

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.

Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers?

If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,

Where’s the peck of pickled peppers

    Peter Piper picked?

A bitter biting bittern

Bit a better brother bittern,

But the bitter better bittern

Bit the bitter biter back.

The bitter bittern bitten

By the better bitten bittern said,

“I’m bitter, badly bit! Alack!”

You’ve no need to light a nightlight

On a light night like tonight,

For a nightlight’s light a slight light,

And tonight’s a night that’s light.

When a night’s light (like tonight’s light),

It is really not quite right

To light nightlights with their slight lights

On a light night like tonight.

A tree toad loved a she-toad

Who lived up in a tree.

He was a 2-toed tree toad;

A 3-toed toad was she.

The 2-toed tree toad tried to win

The 3-toed she-toad’s heart.

The 2-toed tree toad loved the ground

The 3-toed tree toad trod.

The 2-toed tree toad tried in vain.

He couldn’t please her whim,

For from her tree-toad bower

With finest 3-toed power

The she-toad vetoed him.

Betty Botter bought some butter.

“But,” said she, “This butter’s bitter.

If I bake it in my batter,

It’ll make my batter bitter;

But a bit of better butter’s

Bound to make my batter better!”

So she bought some better butter

(Better than the bitter butter),

And she baked it in her batter,

So her batter was not bitter!

I slit a sheet. A sheet I slit.

Upon the slitted sheet I sit.

I’m not the pheasant plucker. I’m the pheasant plucker’s mate.

I’m only plucking pheasants ’cause the pheasant plucker’s late.

I’m not the pheasant plucker. I’m a pheasant plucker’s son.

I’m only plucking pheasants till the pheasant pluckers come.

Men seeking women

Man with big nose on swelled head seeks swelled woman.

Women seeking men

Woman hating men seeks sorcerer to change her mind.

Woman having period seeks man knowing how to comma.

Woman with child seeks man who isn’t latter.

Looking for a guy with a sense of humor, to laugh at.

Non-specific

Brain without body seeks both.

Idiot seeks savant.

Smart seeks dumb for fun times in sign language.

Want a partner who’s normal, ’cause I’m not.

If you’re square, I’ll be your square root.

My life’s a mess so you can play in my mud.

Tired of my ex: seek XXX.

My pie is fulfilling but needs your spice.

Let’s study each other to hit high marks on exam.

My spirit is willing when the flesh is in the oven.

You have the greatest brain in the world, and I have the most beautiful body, so we ought to produce the most perfect child!

What if the child inherits my body and your brains?

For sale: baby shoes, never worn.

NewYorker.com/talk/2008/02/25/080225ta_talk_widdicombe

6-word thought                                                     Author

I loved. I lost. I’m sorry.                                              “SlashChick”

Longed for him. Got him. Shit.                                    Margaret Atwood

Failed SAT. Lost scholarship. Invented rocket.             William Shatner

Womb. Bloom. Groom. Gloom. Rheum. Tomb.            Blake Morrison

Started small. Grew. Peaked. Shrunk. Vanished.           George Saunders

Found true love. Married someone else.                       Dave Eggers

Great sex. Broken heart. Worth it?                                “Dec C.”

Revenge is living well, without you.                            Joyce Carol Oates

Three words. Never spoken. Always regretted.             Gabriella Deitch

Without thinking, I made 2 cups.                                 Alistair Daniel

After Harvard, had baby with crackhead.                     Robin Templeton

Gave commencement address, became sex columnist.  Amy Sohn

He was home. He was lost.                                          Gore Vidal

For sale: halves of a bed.                                             “Dennis”

Across the street, the generations repeat.                      Carol Smith

Vibrator found! Roommate’s. Mike’s my roommate.    “JM”

Mom snorted our child-support money.                       Parker Lanting

Magician’s saw table: used just once.                           “Matilda”

Canoe guide, only got lost once.                                  Taylor Stump

I lost my virginity on 9/11.                                           Laura Garcia

Liars, hysterectomy didn’t improve sex life!                 Joan Rivers

I’m hopelessly romantic and equally unwanted.           “JulieD”

Woman seeks men — high pain threshold.                   Yin Shih

Never made it to med school.                                       “Jeannie”

Older now, I draw myself better.                                  Peter Arkle

Tequila made her clothes fall off.                                 Susanne Broderick

They danced alone in her room.                                   “Gaurav”

Walking home, she regained her virginity.                    Jim Lyon

Boys liked her. She preferred books.                            Anneliese Cuttle

Bang postponed. Not big enough. Reboot.                   David Brin

Easy. Just touch the match to                                       Ursula K. Le Guin

Well, I thought it was funny.                                        Stephen Colbert

Not quite what I was planning…                                  Summer Grimes

Everything I touch turns to mold.                                 Lisa Anne Auerbach

Bipolar, no two ways about it.                                      Jason Owen

Alzheimer’s: meeting new people every day.                Phil Skversky

Craves intelligent conversation with someone kissable.  Olena DeLeeuw

Felt dorky with my thick-rimmed glasses.                    “DanceNerd 2013”

Acting is not all I am.                                                  Molly Ringwald

Fix a toilet, get paid crap.                                            Jennifer James

Hope is stronger than dope, kids!                                 Lizzie Widdicombe

Brevity: a good thing in writing.                                  Lizzie Widdicombe

Me see world! Me write stories!                                   Elizabeth Gilbert

Told you I’d be published someday!                            Kacie Adams

Trump thumped. Got bumped. Hmmm… Humph!

Decline                               Intake                                 Love

I’m old.                                Like eggs.                              Love you.

I’m mold,                             Like kegs.                             Love view.

A soul,                                  Love oats.                             Won tin.

Asshole.                                Love votes.                           Want in.

Wipeout?                              Icing?                                   Dad’s crude.

Why pout?                            I sing!                                   Dad screwed.

You’re in                              Have ice?

Urine.                                   Have vice!

Puppy?                                 Can dice

Pup pee?                               Canned ice.

Have fart?                             Vaccine?

Have art!                               Vac seen?

Death                                 Intake                                 Love

I can rot,                               I’m meeting?                         Do miss you!

Icon rot!                               I’m eating!                            Doom is you.

Know myself.                       Not warm milk.                     I’m in love,

No mice, elf!                         Not war: milk!                      Hymen love!

                                             Lettuce spray.                        I see you,

                                             Let us pray.                           Icy you,

                                             Yes, I sang.                           ICU.

                                             Yes, ice: hang!

As you are, I was.

As I am, you’ll be.

As you are, I was:  alive!

As I am, you’ll be: dead!

Here lies the kid.

Could not be saved.

He tried to shave

A hand grenade.

Here lies a man

Who tried not to lie.

He was cream of the crop

Until cremated.

He was morose.

Now have more Oh’s!

Now you can talk behind my back,

Since I’m not coming back.

I’m going to tell you about a drink so amazing that men devoted their lives to finding it and fighting wars about it.

This amazing liquid consists of such pure goodness that doctors worldwide recommend it as a cure for most ills. This refreshing tonic has no bad side effects: the ideal drink, it’s sodium-free, fat-free, alcohol-free, preservative-free, and non-carcinogenic.

One gulp of this stuff can make men scream with delight. Its godly beauty has made this elixir praised by poets and songwriters worldwide. Some towns even dispense this wonderful elixir to their citizens, free, in special parks.

Discovered thousands of years ago by ancient heroes, it’s a mysterious wonder of the universe and analyzed every day by scientists and other public servants trying to decipher its amazing properties. It’s saved many lives and been the subject of sweetest dreams.

Yes, water is truly wonderful.

I confess: I’m an addict! The drug that’s been sweeping the nation has gotten to me, too!

I can’t resist this powerful drug, which takes over my entire life. Late at night, when my weary body wishes to sleep, this hypnotic drug seduces me into partaking of it for many hours, a late-night turn-on controlling my mind and soul throughout the night. This mind-numbing drug, invented in secret labs, makes visions dance before my eyes (visions far wilder than anything created by primitive drugs such as LSD) and accompanied by sounds giving me the strangest out-of-body experiences.

This drug is so powerful that the U.S. government has declared it a controlled substance and controls its distribution. The biggest companies in America and around the world have all become involved in packaging this drug and changing its nature, but nobody can stop it. It’s been the subject of many congressional hearings.

Each day in offices across America, employees whisper about how they experienced the drug during the previous evening. They even brag about who had the most outrageous experiences with it. Teachers complain that the quality of American education has greatly declined because students do this drug instead of homework.

To prevent impurities, the U.S. government funds the distribution of a “public” version of this drug, but most Americans get a bigger kick from “private” versions.

Unfortunately, advertising this nefarious drug is still permitted in many locales. Billboards lure innocent American adults and kids into partaking of this drug. According to psychologists, people who spend too much time doing this drug turn into vegetables and become “potatoes” or worse.

Yes, TV is amazingly addictive — and now smartphones!

I’m going to tell you about a certain feeling a male has, a feeling so strong that the average woman can’t comprehend it.

This male feeling, arising in a certain part of the man’s body, creates such a burning desire to stroke it that it can drive a man nearly insane and make him want to rip off his clothes to satisfy his craving itch. In high schools across the country, health teachers (and even gym teachers!) warn young men about these urges, but the flames of passion are irrepressible.

Yes, athlete’s foot sure is tough.

I’m a babe magnet! Whenever I walk out of my house, I’m immediately surrounded by females who’ve been lying in wait for me, stalking me. They’re all thrilled to see me!

They fly to my side, to hug me, as they long to caress me. They all kiss me, passionately! If I try to run away, they chase me because they love me so much. Their luscious lips, so succulent, give me an unexpected thrill that lingers in my bod for many hours.

Yes, I attract female mosquitos. Ouch!

I love you. You are beautiful!

I love YOU are beautiful!

I gaze into YOUR EYES pierce MY SOUL is putty in YOUR HANDS caress MY EVERY MUSCLE cries out for YOUR TOUCH can make me MELTing in your arms, I proclaim my love FOR YOU I’ll do ANYTHING is possible IN LOVE with you, I’m DELERIOUSly delicious raspberry sundae!

3-letter: mom, dad, eve

5-letter: madam, civic, kayak, level, rotor, refer

7-letter: racecar, deified, reviver

9-letter: redivider

3-letter: Bob, Eve, Ava

4-letter: Anna, Otto

6-letter: Hannah

Step on no pets!

Madam, I’m Adam.

Madam, in Eden, I’m Adam.

Able was I, ere I saw Elba.

A man, a plan, a canal — Panama!

A man, a plan, a cat, a canal — Panama!

A man, a plan, a cat, a ham, a yak, a yam, a hat, a canal — Panama!

A man, a plan, a canoe, pasta, heros, rajahs, a coloratura, maps, snipe, percale, macaroni, a gag, a banana bag, a tan, a tag, a banana bag again (or a camel), a crepe, pins, Spam, a rut, a Rolo, cash, a jar, sore hats, a peon, a canal – Panama!

Dammit, I’m mad!

I, man, am regal: a German am I!

Borrow or rob?

No x in Nixon?

Do geese see God?

Never odd or even?

Was it a car or a cat I saw?

Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts.

Doc, note: I dissent. A fast never prevents fatness. I diet on cod.

Go hang a salami! I’m a lasagna hog!

Sit on a potato pan, Otis!

So many dynamos!

Mr. Owl ate my metal worm.

Lee has a racecar as a heel.

No way a papaya won!

No, son.

Pull up!

Tip it!

Toot!

Hah!

Huh?

Wow!

Sue us!

aibofobia

02/02/2020 or 02-02-2020 or, more briefly, 02022020

02/02/2020 or 02-02-2020 or, more briefly, 02022020

2020/02/02 or 2020-02-02 or, more briefly, 20200202

YouTube.com/watch?v=JUQDzj6R3p4

wikipedia.org/wiki/Palindrome

quora.com/What-is-the-most-awesome-palindrome

If the word begins with a vowel, just add “way” to the end of the word. For example, “art” becomes “artway.”

If the word begins with a consonant or a bunch of consonants, move such stuff to the end, then add “ay.” For example, “fart” becomes “artfay.”

Oway aysay ancay ouyay eesay

Write “oo” as “u.” Write “ee” as “i.” Write “th” as “d.”

Never put a consonant at the end of a word.

(Omit the consonant or combine the word with next word.)

Never put 2 consonant sounds together.

(Omit the second consonant or put the vowel “a” between them.)

Make each word have at least 2 syllables.

(To do that, combine words that don’t need pauses between them.)

I had a good sleep. Now I’ll take a shower. Then I’ll cook some food.

Ayada gusali. Nawa takashawa. Denai kufu.

Candid term  Euphemism

deaf                   hearing-impaired

blind                 visually impaired

crippled             physically challenged

poor                  economically disadvantaged

stupid                has a learning disorder

ugly                  has a severe appearance deficit

old                    a senior citizen

false teeth          dental appliances

toilet paper        bathroom tissue

constipated        has occasional irregularity

your medicine    your medication

doctor               healthcare-delivery professional

hospital             wellness center

car crash            automobile accident

die                     pass away

motel                 motor lodge

room service      guest-room dining

call information call   directory assistance

slum                  inner-city substandard housing

the dump           the landfill

used car             pre-owned transportation

sneakers            running shoes

lie to the enemy engage in disinformation

kill the enemy    depopulate the area

Candid term  Euphemism

rape victim        unwilling sperm recipient

vomit                involuntary personal-protein spill

War                 Name for the disability

World War 1      shell shock

World War 2      battle fatigue

Korean War       operational exhaustion

Vietnam War     post-traumatic stress disorder

YouTube.com/watch?v=vuEQixrBKCc

He’s not a criminal, just ethically deprived.

He’s not irresponsible, just a free spirit.

He’s not violent, just assertively animated.

He’s not greedy, just dollar-addicted.

He’s not procrastinating, just delay-seeking.

He’s not slow, just unaccelerated.

He’s not useless, just unpurposed.

He’s not lecherous, just drooling.

He’s not an asshole, just rear-ended in front.

He’s not evil, just challenging.

He’s not unkempt, just natural.

He’s not bald, just follicularly impaired.

She’s not ugly, just of bounded beauty.

You’re not too tall, just vertically enhanced.

You’re not too talkative, just abundantly verbal.

You’re not shy, just conversationally selective.

You’re not lazy, just energetically declined.

You’re not failing, just passing-impaired.

You didn’t get detention, just exit-delayed.

You’re not late,

just having a rescheduled arrival time.

You didn’t get grounded,

just hit a social speed-bump.

In class, you weren’t sleeping,

just rationing consciousness.

Your homework isn’t missing,

just having an out-of-notebook experience.

You don’t have smelly gym socks,

just odor-retentive athletic footwear.

Your locker isn’t overflowing,

just closure-prohibitive.

Your bedroom isn’t cluttered,

just passage-restrictive.

You don’t think the cafeteria food is awful,

just digestively challenged.

You’re not having a bad-hair day,

just suffering from rebellious follicle syndrome.

You weren’t gossiping,

just providing speedy transmission of near-factual information.

In class, you weren’t passing notes,

just participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations.

You weren’t sent to the principal’s office,

just went on a mandatory field trip to the administration sanctum.

I must go to the bathroom, so I’ll keep this short.

Alan said, “I don’t want you to speak at my wedding, but you’re the only brother I have.”

Glad we could have this day, with so many friends from around the world. It’s amazing how far people will travel for a free meal.

Alan, I’m honored to be part of this army you call a wedding party. That’s a big table!

It’s awesome we’re here today, considering Alan had kidney stones just a few days ago. He was in pain. It seemed today might not happen, but I knew he wouldn’t let anything get in the way of marrying Michelle, since we’re Dutch and everything had been paid for.

Let me tell you about my relationship with him. We met in the 80’s. Our rivalry intensified, and he grew bigger than me. In old family photos, he looked like a child bodybuilder; I looked like mom never fed me. Even now she says, “Alan needs his protein,” so we just starve.

Because of his physique, I avoided confronting him physically. Instead, I tried to outsmart him. My favorite tactic was giving him hard objects (such as marbles). Then I’d stand before glass objects (mirrors, windows, and pictures) and insult him. He, a big guy not knowing his strength, would hurl the marble at me. I’d duck. The glass would break. I loved every second of it.

In later years, I thought the rivalry died down, a friendship began, but I was mistaken. On my birthday, he sent an email saying, “Happy birthday. Mom made me send this.”

Now he’s married. Today’s about him and the love of his life: his MacBook Pro.

Some folks procrastinate, leaving everything to the last minute, like myself and this speech. But then there’s Alan. Look at the planning that went on for today: he had his wedding Website up even before he met Michelle.

Michele, you look amazing today. Alan, you didn’t even shave!

I’ll never forget the day he got engaged, because he videotaped his proposal. What a creep!

Alan’s proud to show off his new ring and new wife. Ugh!

Michelle, ever since we met you, we knew you’re a keeper. I liked you from the start, because you laughed at my jokes, even though Alan shook his head and called me an idiot. You’re beautiful inside & out, kind, compassionate, genuine, smart, and caring. Most important, you make my brother happy in a way I never could.

Michelle — or should I say “Mitch”? — welcome to the family. There are many Michelles in this world but just one “Mitch.”

Our family calls Michelle “Mitch.” Why? Once I called her that, and the name stuck. Herb misunderstood me, because he sometimes calls you “Mitchel.” Don’t worry about that: he sometimes calls me “Kayla.”

I couldn’t ask for a better sister-in-law, and I apologize for the horrible last name you must use from now on. I told Alan he should have used yours.

When I went to pick up my tux, they said, “Last name, please?” I said “Goodhoofd.” They said, “What?” That’s the struggle you’ll have to deal with every day.

Alan & Michelle, I wish you 2 the best, in your life together.

I love you both. Mom made me say that.

YouTube.com/watch?v=J9ZQcJJBmj4

I wish my best friend lots of luck

While doing things that end in “uck,”

Like holding hands then try to…

Take out trash and other muck.

I’m sure his wife will get a kick

When looking at his great big…

Sick lips giving his thermometer a lick.

But after wedding and “I love you,”

They’ll honeymoon and want to…

Croon, “You’re the one for me. I knew.”

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I —

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Stopping By Woods

on a Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know.

His house is in the village though;

He will not see me stopping here

To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer

To stop without a farmhouse near

Between the woods and frozen lake

The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake

To ask if there is some mistake.

The only other sound's the sweep

Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep.

Walking through woods on a snowy evening,

I tripped,

Bumped my head on a tree,

Got covered with blood,

Broke my leg,

Lay helpless 3 days in snow until was found,

Spent 3 months in the hospital,

And vowed never to again be

Walking through woods on a snowy evening.

Walking through woods on a snowy evening,

Two paths diverged.

One had less dung underneath,

And that made all the difference,

Since I’m Republican.

While walking through woods

    in snow, I got tired

From trying to reach

    what body desired.

I got to a fork.

    Knew not what the fuck

To do, so turned round,

    went home. On firm ground,

Got pizza by phone.

    “Let pizza boy moan.”

His horse knew the way

    to carry the sleigh

Through white, drifting snow.

    Beats “pizza to go!”

I gave him a tip.

    I’ve pizza on lip.

Walking through woods on a snowy evening,

Two paths diverged,

So I grabbed my iPhone

And got directions.

So I’m on this road in these yellow woods,

And the road literally does this “Y,”

So dang… I gotta decide!

Google maps says this way,

I ignore it…

Changed my life.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the king’s horses and all the king’s men

Couldn’t put Humpty together again,

So they ate him.

Old Mother Hubbard went to her cupboard

To get her poor dog a bone.

But when she got there, the cupboard was bare,

And so her poor dog got none.

He bit her.

Jack Sprat could eat no fat.

His wife could eat no lean.

And so between the both of them,

They licked the platter clean.

She died first.

There was a little girl who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead.

And when she was good, she was very, very good,

But when she was bad, she was horrid.

She married Trump.

Hey, diddle-diddle! The cat and the fiddle!

The cow jumped over the moon.

The little dog laughed to see such sport,

And the dish ran away with the spoon.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hey_Diddle_Diddle

Way down south, where bananas grow,

A grasshopper stepped on an elephant’s toe.

The elephant said, with tears in his eyes,

“Pick on someone your own size!”

One fine day, in midst of night,

2 dead men got up to fight.

Back-to-back they faced each other,

Drew their swords, and shot each other.

One was blind, the other couldn't see,

So they chose a dummy referee.

A blind man went to see fair play.

A dumb man went to shout “Hooray!”

A paralyzed donkey, passing by,

Kicked the blind men in the eye,

Knocked them through a 9-inch wall

And dry ditch, which drowned them all.

A deaf policeman heard the noise.

He went to arrest the two dead boys.

Don’t believe this lie is true?

Ask the blind man: he saw it too!

It rained all night the day I left.

The weather? It was dry.

The sun so hot I froze to death.

Susanna, don’t you cry.

’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;

All mimsy were the borogoves,

And the mome raths outgrabe.

“Beware the Jabberwock, my son!

The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!

Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun

The frumious Bandersnatch!”

He took his vorpal sword in hand:

Long time the manxome foe he sought—

So rested he by the Tumtum tree,

And stood awhile in thought.

And as in uffish thought he stood,

The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,

Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,

And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through

The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!

He left it dead, and with its head

He went galumphing back.

“And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?

Come to my arms, my beamish boy!

O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!”

He chortled in his joy.

’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;

All mimsy were the borogoves,

And the mome raths outgrabe.

wikipedia.org/wiki/Jabberwocky

Garde-toi du Jaseroque, mon fils!

1. A trader sailed to an island, met the king, and told him, “I notice you have no throne.” The king asked, “What’s a throne?” The trader replied, “I’ll show you.” On his next trip, the trader brought a throne. The king liked it, bought it, and ordered another. On his next trip, the trader brought the second throne. The king got excited about thrones and started buying more of them, until they filled his grass hut, and he had to build a second floor to hold all the thrones. But one day, the second floor collapsed, and all the thrones fell, killing the king. Moral: people who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

2. In a zoo, some dolphins seemed to live forever by dining on dead seagulls. One day, the zookeeper tried to carry seagulls to the dolphins, but a lion sat on the bridge and blocked his way. He stepped over the lion but got arrested for transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

3. A dentist noticed that in his patient’s mouth, a metal plate was corroding. The dentist asked, “Have you been eating anything unusual?” The patient replied, “My wife learned to make great Hollandaise sauce, so I’ve been putting it on all my food.” The dentist replied, “The lemon in the sauce must be corroding the metal. I’ll replace the metal with chrome.” The patient asked, “Why chrome?” The dentist replied, “There’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.”

1. People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

2. transporting girls across a state line for immoral purposes

3. There’s no place like home for the holidays.

1. A vulture tried to board an airplane. He carried 2 dead raccoons but was stopped by stewardess who said, “I’m sorry, sir, just one carrion allowed per passenger.”

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and got a part in a movie. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields, never amounted to much, and became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos in a kayak got chilly, so they lit a fire in the kayak, but it sank, because you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. In the Old West, a 3-legged dog walked into the saloon, slid up to the bar, and announced “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

5. A Buddhist getting a root canal refused Novocain because he wanted to
transcend dental medication.

6. In a hotel lobby, chess players were discussing their victories, but the hotel’s manager made them leave because he couldn’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

7. A woman had twins but gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a Spanish family who named him “Juan.” The other went to an Egyptian family who named him “Amahl.” Years later, Juan sends his photo to his birth mother. She told her husband she wished she had a picture of Amahl too; but he replied, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amahl.”

8. Friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a florist shop to raise funds. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, but a rival florist thought the competition unfair. He begged the friars to close down; but they refused, so he hired Hugh, the roughest thug in town, to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars, trashed their store, and said he’d return if they didn’t close. Terrified, they did so, proving that
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Since Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot, his feet got big calluses. Since he ate little, he was frail. His odd diet also gave him bad breath. That made him a super-calloused fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis.

10. A person sent ten puns to a friend and hoped at least one pun would generate a laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

  1. I’m sorry, sir, just one carry-on allowed per passenger.

  2. the lesser of two evils

  3. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

  4. I’m looking for the man who shot my pa.

  5. transcendental meditation

  6. chestnut roasting in an open fire

  7. If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen ’em all.

  8. You, and only you, can prevent forest fires.

  9. supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

10. no pun intended

What’s blue and jumps up and down?

A baby in a cellophane bag.

How do you make a dead baby float?

Seltzer water and 2 scoops of baby.

What’s greater than God and more evil than the devil? The rich need it, and the poor have it; but if you eat it, you die!

Nothing is greater than God. Nothing is more evil than the devil.

The rich need nothing. The poor have nothing. If you eat nothing, you die.

If you want the answer, I can tell you nothing.

When you discover the answer, you’ll have discovered nothing.

While you’re seeking the answer, nothing can bother you.

The answer has 7 letters, but it’s nothing.

Most kindergarteners know the answer to the riddle, but most college graduates do not. Focus on the first question: what’s greater than God? Most kindergarteners know the answer to that question. If you ask a kindergartener “What’s greater than God?” what will the kindergartener answer?

It’s of no use to the person who makes it. It’s of no use to the person who buys it. And the person who uses it doesn’t know he’s using it.

A coffin!

A woman shoots her husband, then holds him under water for over 5 minutes, then hangs him. But 5 minutes later, they go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can that be?

She’s a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.

You’re condemned to death and must choose from 3 rooms. The first is full of raging fires; the second is full off assassins with loaded guns; the third is full of lions that haven’t eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for you?

The third. Lions that haven’t eaten in 3 years are dead.

If you have it, you want to share it. If you share it, you don’t have it.

A secret!

Virginity!

If my name is spoken, I’ll be gone. Who or what am I?

Silence!

Dad?

I’m the beginning of everything, the end of everywhere. I’m the beginning of eternity, the end of time & space.

The letter e

Death

What starts with e, ends with e, and has just one letter in it?

envelope

A better child does everything for God, happy in just knowing love may now offer prayers quite rich, so that upon vowing, weird xylophones yank zombies.

A boy can do every fraudulent gangster hobby if judges kill lonely maidens near ocean ports, quickly recording sins to used vehicles while x-raying your zipper.

Any bear can dance every favored gavotte, having it just kept lively, maintaining natural oblong patter quickly round, stepping to ultimate victory, weaving X’s, yielding zeal.

After being completely drugged eating frozen, gelatinous hemp (including jelly), Karen listed many notes (on paper) questioning reality states, tempting uninvited visitors, worrying xenophobic young zookeepers.

Another brave child dances energetically, forever gaining heroic independence, jubilantly kissing ladies, men, neighbors, or people quietly resting, slowly turning unfriendly villagers (with xenophobic yokels) zealous.

Zany young xylophonists, whilst vaguely understanding time signature, repeat quite precisely ordinary notes, masterfully linking knowledge just imbibed, happily going further, ever dreaming, creating beautiful art.

the American Heritage Dictionary (AH) uses traditional phonics symbols

the Dictionary.com Website (Dict) uses notation found in most newspapers

the Random House Dictionary (RH) resembles AH but uses fewer symbols

the Walter System 1 (W1), by Russ Walter, uses simplified spelling

the Walter System 2 (W2) uses W1 but gets shorter by using capitals

the New Oxford American Dictionary (Oxford) uses AH modernized

the Americanist Phonetic Alphabet (APA) is used by American linguists

the International Phonetic Alphabet (IPA), Wikipedia version, is most precise

b, d, f, g, h, k, l, m, n, p, r, s, t, v, w, z

English sound     AH & Dict RH    W2    W1    Oxford   APA  IPA

“ng” in “thing”    ng              ng     ng     ng     NG          ŋ        ŋ

“sh” in “ship”      sh               sh     sh      sh      SH           š        ʃ

“ch” in “church”  ch              ch     ch     ch     CH          č        tʃ

“th” in “thin”       th                th      th      th      TH          θ        θ

“th” in “this”        th                th      TH    dh     TH          ð       ð

“si” in “vision”    zh               zh     zh     zh     ZH          ž        ʒ

“j” in “judge”      j                  j        j        j        j               ǯ        dʒ

“y” in “yes”          y                 y       y       y       y              y       j

“wh” in “which”  hw              hw    w       w       (h)w        hw    hw

Look at the line about the “sh” in “ship.” Oxford capitalizes the SH, to emphasize the sound is not the “s” sound followed by the “h” sound.
APA and IPA write a fancy “s.” AH, Dict, RH, W2, and W1 write simply “sh,” since an “s” sound followed by an “h” sound would be indicated by separate syllables; for example, “asshole” is written as “as-hohl” in Dict,
“as-hOl” in W2, “as-hoal” in W1, ăs′hōl′ in AH & RH.

For the “th” in “thin,” APA and IPA use the Greek letter θ, which is theta.

For the “th” in “this,” APA and IPA use the Old English letter ð, which is eth. W1 consonants are restricted just to letters that resemble English spelling and are easy to type on a standard keyboard (can’t use italics, underlines, capitals, special symbols, or accent marks), so as a last resort W1 uses “dh” instead, which approximates a Brooklyn accent; W2 permits capitals so uses “TH.”

For the “si” in “vision,” IPA uses the letter ʒ, which is ezh.

To say the “j” in “judge,” IPA says to pronounce the “d” sound followed by the sound of the “si” in “vision.”

To say the “wh” in “which,” most of those systems say to begin by saying the “h” sound, but Oxford is less sure, so it puts the “h” in parentheses. The parentheses mean “maybe, depending on which American regional dialect you have.” W2 & W1 say just “w” instead of “hw” and don’t bother typing the “h,” since most Americans are too deaf to hear the “h” anyway.

English sound      AH    RH W2 & W1  Dict     Oxford   APA  IPA

“a” in “cat”           ă       a    a                  a          a              æ       æ

“e” in “let”           ĕ       e    e                  e          e              ɛ        ɛ

“i” in “pit”            ĭ        i     i                  i           i               ɪ        ɪ

“o” in “pot”          ŏ       o    o                 o          ä              a        ɒ

“u” in “cut”          ŭ       u    u                 uh        ə              ʌ       ʌ

“a” in “about”      ə       ə    u                 uh        ə              ə        ə

“e” in “butter”      ə       ə    u                 e          ə              ə        ə

“a” in “father”      ä       ä    o                 ah        ä              a        ɑ:

AH puts a curve (smile) over most of the short vowels. The other 7 systems don’t bother.

Dict says the “e” in “butter” sounds like the “e” in “let” and its symbol is “e.” The other 7 systems say the “e” in “butter” sounds more like the “a” in “about,” it’s a very brief grunt, and for most systems its symbol is ə, which is schwa.

W2 & W1 & Oxford say the “a” in “about” sounds like the “u” in “cut.” The other 5 systems disagree.

W2 & W1 & Oxford & APA say the “a” in “father” sounds like the “o” in “pot”. The other 4 systems disagree.

IPA says the “a” in “father” takes longer to say. The “:” means “say longer.”

English sound  AHD & RH & Oxford W2    W1    Dict  APA  IPA

“ay” in “day”    ā                                     A      ae      ey     e(y)   eɪ

“ee” in “see”     ē                                     E       ee      ee      i(y)   i:

“y” in “by”        ī                                     I        ie      ahy   ay     aɪ

“o” in “no”        ō                                    O      oe     oh     o(w)  oʊ

APA says the first 3 of those long vowels usually end in a y sound, and the “o” usually ends in a “w” sound.

IPA detects that the “ee” in “see” takes a long time to say. The “:” means “say for a long time.”

W1 is influenced by AH & RH & Oxford but isn’t allowed to use accent marks, so W1 uses an “e” instead of an accent mark. W1’s “ie” looks a bit awkward, but it’s okay because of words such as “die,” “tie,” “pie,” “lie,” “vie,” and “fie.” Foreigners might prefer writing “ai” instead, which is used by Chinese pinyin and in “chai,” “tai chi,” “Thailand,” and “Bali Hai.” W2 avoids that awkwardness by using capital letters: the symbol “A” is the sound of the letter “A” when you recite the alphabet; the symbol “I” is the sound of the letter & word “I.”

English sound        AH RH    Oxford   W2   W1    Dict  APA  IPA

“ai” in “hair”           ȃ    ȃ       e(ə)         A      ae      ai      ɛ        ɛ(ə)

first “e” in “here”    î     ē       i(ə)          E       ee      ee      ι         ɪə

“augh” in “caught” ô    ô       ô              au     au     aw     ɔ        ɔ:

“o” in “word”          û    û       ə              u       u       u       ə        ɜ:

W2 & W1 say the “ai” in “hair” sounds like the “ay” in “day.” The other 6 systems disagree.

RH & W2 & W1 & Dict say the first “e” in “here” sounds like the “ee” in “see.” The other 4 systems disagree.

For the “augh” in “caught,” W2 & W1 wanted to imitate Dict but can’t use consonants in the middle of a vowel sound, so can’t use “w,” so use “u” instead.

Oxford & APA say the “o” in “word” sounds like as the “a” in “about.” The other 6 systems disagree.

English sound     AH & RH & Oxford Dict  W1    W2    APA  IPA

“oo” in “soon”     o͞o                               oo     oo     oo     u(w)  u:

“iew” in “view”   yo͞o                            yoo  yoo   U      yu     ju:

“oo” in “took”      o͝o                               oo     eu     eu     ᴜ       ʊ

“ou” in “tour”      o͝o                               oo     oo     oo     ᴜ       ʊə

“oi” in “noise”     oi                                oi      oi      oi      ɔy     ɔɪ

“ou” in “out”        ou                               ou     ou     ou     aw     aʊ

For the “oo” in “took,” Walter can’t use accent marks or italics or special symbols, so W2 & W1 use the French “eu” instead, which sounds somewhat similar.

Most of those systems say the “ou” in “tour” sounds like the “oo” in “took,” but IPA detects that the “ou” in “tour” adds a schwa sound afterwards, and Walter thinks the “ou” in “tour” sounds more like the “oo” in “soon”.

APA says the “oi” in “noise” sounds like the “augh” in “caught” plus a “y” sound. The other 7 systems disagree.

English sound  AH & RH   Oxford & IPA    W2 & W1  Dict  APA

primary stress    a′                ˈa                         a                 a          á

secondary          a′                ˌa                         a                 a           à

W2 & W1 & Dict don’t mark secondary stress.

English:        Let cats out soon.

Dict & W1:  Let kats out soon.

W2:               let kats out soon.

RH:               Let kats out so͞on.

Oxford:         let kats out so͞on.

AH:                Let kăts out so͞on.

IPA:               lɛt kæts aʊt su:n

APA:              lɛt kæts awt su(w)n

In W2 & Oxford, how a letter is pronounced can depend on whether the letter is capitalized, so you can’t simply “begin every sentence with a capital.”

In IPA and APA, a period can be pronounced, so you can’t simply “end every declarative sentence with a period.”

W2                                             W1

mArE had u litul lam.                  Maeree had u litul lam.

its flEs wuz wIt az snO,               Its flees wuz wiet az snoe,

and evrEwAr THat mArE went    and evreewaer dhat Maeree went

THu lam wuz shur too gO.           dhu lam wuz shur too goe.

InternationalPhoneticAlphabet.org/ipa-sounds/ipa-chart-with-sounds

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pronunciation_respelling_for_English

Acronym   What it can stand for

AA              Alcoholics Anonymous, American Airlines, AlcoA

ABC            American Broadcasting Company, Australian Broadcasting Corp., American-Born Chinese

ACA            Affordable Care Act, American Chiropractic Association, Adult Children of Alcoholics

AD              Anno Domini, After Death, Alzheimer’s Disease, Active Duty, Athletic Director

ADA           American Dental Association, American Diabetes Association, Americans with Disabilities Act

AMA           American Medical Association, American Music Awards, Ask Me Anything

AP               Associated Press, Advanced Placement, Accounts Payable, Asia-Pacific, Asshole President

AB              Artium Baccalaurens, AlBerta, AlBania, AntiBody, Anheuser-Busch, Adult Baby

BA              Bachelor of Arts, Bad Ass, Bullshit Artist, Batting Average, British Airways, Boeing Airplanes

BBC            British Broadcasting Company, British Beer Company, Baptist Bible College

BC               Before Christ, British Columbia, Boston College, BeCause

BS               Bachelor of Science, BullShit, Bernie Sanders, Britney Spears, Blood Sugar, BahamaS

CD              Certificate of Deposit, Compact Disc, Civil Defense, Change Directory, Cross Dresser

CIA             Central Intelligence Agency, Culinary Institute of America

CO              Carbon monOxide, Correction Officer, Compliance Officer, COlorado, COlumbia

CRT            Cathode-Ray Tube, Critical Race Theory, CRediT, Cardiac Resynchronization Therapy

DC              District of Columbia, Doctor of Chiropractic, Direct Current, Da Capo, Detective Comics

DDS            Doctor of Dental Surgery, Department of Driver Services, Department of Developmental Services

DE              Desktop Environment, Differential Equation, DElaware, DEutschland, DEere

DMD           Doctor of Medicine in Dentistry, Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy

DNC            Democratic National Committee, Do Not Call, Dick No Condom, Dilation ’N Curettage

ED              Erectile Disfunction, Emergency Department, Emotionally Disturbed, EDucation, EDit

ERA            Equal Rights Amendment, Earned-Run Average, Electronic Realty Associates

FR               For Real, Federal Republic, FRance, FRanc, FatheR, FRiar, Fuckin’ Retard

GI               Government-Issue, Gastro-Intestinal, Glycemic Index, Galvanized Iron, GIbraltar

GF               GirlFriend, Good Friend, GoldFish, Gluten-Free, Ground Floor, Go Figure, Good Fight

HMU           Hit Me Up, Hook Me Up, Help Me Understand, Hair & MakeUp, Hanoi Medical University

HP               Hewlett-Packard, HorsePower, Harry Potter, Home Page, Health Plan, Harvard Pilgrim

ID               IDentification, IDaho

IRA             Individual Retirement Account, Irish Republican Army, Internet Research Agency

JFK             John F. Kennedy, Just For Kicks, Jerk From Kentucky, Just Fucking Klansman

LA              Los Angeles, LouisiAna, Lost Angel, Louis Armstrong, Little Ass

LTO            Limited-Time Offer, Lettuce & Tomato & Onion, Linear Tape-Open, Lift-Truck Operator

MA             Master of Arts, MAssachusetts, Major Ass, Maybe Alcoholic, MAma

MC              MasterCard, Master of Ceremonies, Memory Clear, Merry Christmas

MD             Medicinae Doctor, Medical Doctor, Muscular Dystrophy, Mountain Dew, MarylanD

ME              Master of Engineering, Middle English, Millennium Edition, Medical Examiner, MainE

MIA            Missing In Action, Miami International Airport, Minneapolis Institute of Art

MS              Multiple Sclerosis, Master of Science, Middle School, MicroSoft, MiSsissippi

MT              MounT, Mountain Time, MonTana, Manual Transmission. MegaTon, Massage Therapist

NB              New Brunswick, Nota Bene, New Balance

NE              New England, NorthEast, NEbraska

NEA            National Education Association, National Endowment for the Arts

NP               Nurse Practitioner, Nail Polish, No Problem, Not Possible, No Parking, No Penis

NRA            National Rifle Association, National Restaurant Association, Not Really Adult

NRN            No Reply Needed, No Response Necessary, Not Right Now, Network Routing Number

NSA            National Security Agency, No Strings Attached, Nice Sexy Ass, No Sugar Added

NSF             National Science Foundation, National Sanitation Foundation, Not So Fast, Non-Sufficient Funds

NSW           New South Wales, Not Safe for Work, Naval Special Warfare, Not So Wonderful

NT              New Technology, Northwest Territories, New Testament, New Taiwan, No Thanks, No Trump

OD              OverDose, Optometry Doctor, Oculus Dexter, Outside Diameter, Once Daily, OverDrive

OA              OsteoArthritis, Overeaters Anonymous, Original Angel, Office Automation, OverAll

OS               Operating System, Oculus Sinister, Oh Shit, Out of Stock

PA               Professional Association, Public Address, Physician Assistant, PennsylvAnia

PC               Personal Computer, Politically Correct, Pretty Crappy, Professional Corporation

PCP             Primary Care Physician, Primary Care Provider, PhenCylidine Psychedelic

PD               Police Department, Public Defender, Pupillary Distance, Parkinson’s Disease, PaiD

PDA            Public Display of Affection, Personal Digital Assistant, Pennsylvania Dental Association

PI                Private Investigator, Principal Investigator, Personal Injury, Politically Incorrect, 3.14

POV            Point Of View, Privately Owned Vehicle, Peak Operating Voltage, Porn On Video

PR               Public Relations, Press Release, Puerto Rico, Pakistan Railways, PayRoll, PaiR, PRick

PRC             Postal Regulatory Commission, People’s Republic of China

PSA             Public-Service Announcement, Prostate-Specific Antigen, Pot Smokers of America

RD              Registered Dietician, Reader’s Digest, Remove Directory, Research & Development, RoaD

SA               South Africa, South America, Saudi Arabia, Sexaholics Anonymous, Sex Appeal

SD               Secure Digital, Standard Deviation, Single Density, Standard Definition, South Dakota

SE               SouthEast, Standard Edition, Special Edition, Stock Exchange, Sex Education, SwEden

SF               San Francisco, Santa Fe, Single Female, Science Fiction

STD            Sexually Transmitted Disease, STanDard, STandard Deviation, Sacred Theology Doctor

TS               Tough Shit, TranSexual, Top Secret, ThunderStorm, Twisted Sister, Tool Shed

TV              TeleVision, TransVestite, TransVaginal, Tunnel Vision, Top View, True Value, TuValu

VA              Veterans Administration, VirginiA, Vagina or Ass

VC              Venture Capital, Venture Capitalist, Vatican City, VietCong, Vacuum Cleaner

XYZ            eXamine Your Zipper

Quora chat

In the United States, kids are taught the alphabet has 26 letters (ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ), so “26” is the simplest answer. But the true answer depends on how you define “alphabet.”

If you count lower-case letters separately, there are 26 more (abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz), making the total be 26+26, which is 52, a pleasant number, since it’s also how many weeks are in a year!

English borrows words from other languages. Some of those words look better with accents on them. The most popular accented letter is é. (It’s not on the U.S. keyboard, but you can type it by holding down the Alt key while typing “130” on the numeric keypad. Microsoft Word and smartphones provide easier ways to type it.) That letter is especially popular when using words borrowed from French, especially the noun “résumé,” which has a totally different meaning than the verb “resume.” It’s also useful in some words borrowed from Spanish, such as “olé” (which the Spanish borrowed from Arabic). Some typists are too lazy to type the é and type just e.

Other accents are borrowed from French, Spanish, German, and Swedish.

Older English had ligatures, especially an “a” rubbing against an “e,” but modern American English doesn’t use them. The oldest English had other special characters, borrowed mainly from German.

If you capitalize “alphabet,” so the question becomes “How many characters are in the Alphabet,” the answer is “many thousands,” because “Alphabet” is the name of the company that includes Google and over 140,000 employees, many of whom are strange “characters”!

The first thing that comes to my mind is “C A DUM ASS,” which is a good description of anyone who tries hard to answer the question.

“Please call when it’s convenient” means

“Hey, call when you’re in the mood, no rush.”

“Please call at your earliest convenience” means

“Gimme a call, and I’d appreciate it if you hurry the fuck up!”

A person is “deceased” means the person is “dead.”

The noun “demise” is vaguer: it could mean “death” or anything that resembles death. For example, a candidate who loses has “met his demise,” though he didn’t die physically; it means, somewhat cynically, the candidate “sorta died, so you can weep for him, boo-hoo.” For example, when Trump became president, some analysts felt the rational wing of the Republican Party “met its demise.” Separately, in law, “demise” refers to a transfer of an estate or sovereignty.

The online Merriam-Webster Dictionary gives 5 definitions of the noun “demise” (“death,” “a cessation of existence or activity,” “a loss of position or status,” “the conveyance of an estate,” or “transfer of the sovereignty to a successor”) but fewer popular definitions of the verb “demise.” Details are at

Merriam-Webster.com/dictionary/demise.

In English, 2 words tend to gradually merge, becoming 1. For example, instead of writing “You’re an ass hole,” people write now “You’re an asshole.”

A loop resembles a circle or oval but can be bumpy.

A loupe is a small magnifying glass, used by jewelers and watchmakers.

The usual word is “miles.”

“Mileage” is used in these sentences:

“The car gets good mileage” (means “the car gets many miles per gallon”)

“That car has a lot of mileage” (means “that car’s been driven many miles”)

“You put on a lot of mileage yesterday!” (means “you traveled far yesterday”)

“Your face shows a lot of mileage” (means “your face shows many wrinkles”)

“That joke got a lot of mileage” (means “many people reacted to that joke”)

“That joke got a lot of smileage” could mean “that joke created many smiles”

Don’t confuse “mileage” with “my ledge”: “I’m gonna jump off my ledge.”

They both mean “somewhat.” Examples: “you’re kind/sort of ugly”; “you’re kind/sort of beautiful.” That comment is usually followed by a suggestion, such as “Let me fix your hair and get a prettier dress” or “To look even uglier, make blood drip from your mouth.”

The reply to “Come to the party!” can be “Sorry, but I sort of don’t want to go,” which is softer than saying just “I don’t want to go.” It means “I’m reluctant, but maybe you can talk me into it, by giving me more reasons to go.”

Where I come from (Northeast U.S.), we don’t bother pronouncing the “f” in “sort of”: we pronounce “sort of” like “sort uh,” which we write as “sorta.” The same applies to “kind of”: we don’t pronounce the “f,” so we pronounce “kind of” like “kind uh.” We could write that as “kinda,” but that confuses people who think we mean “kindergarten,” so writing “kinda” is less popular than “sorta.”

Long ago, people thought emotions came from the heart. Now we know they come from the brain, but “from the heart” is a cute tradition to maintain. On Valentine’s Day, it’s cuter to give people pictures of hearts than pictures of brains, because brains look yucky.

When you’re in love, you can feel your heart beat faster. You probably also have a headache, but that’s not romantic.

When I was in 7^th grade, we had to talk about how to create the perfect town. I didn’t know “creamery” differs from “crematorium.” I thought a “crematorium” made cream, but it burns corpses instead.

Where I come from (Northeast U.S.), we don’t say “summer break.” We say “summer vacation.” So we’d ask, “When’s your summer vacation?” or, more likely, “When does your school’s summer vacation begin?” or, even more likely, “When’s the last day of school, before summer vacation?”

But the kid’s probably unsure when vacation begins and especially when it ends, so ask the school instead!

Say “I’ll note it in my diary” or “I’ll record it in my diary” or “I’ll include it in my diary/autobiography/memoir.”

Those answers assume you mean a “diary” of what happened. If instead you mean a list of things to do, don’t say “diary”; instead say “I’ll put it on my to-do list” (or “I’ll put it on my calendar” or “I’ll jot myself a reminder to do it” or “I’ll stick a reminder on my fridge” or “I’ll tell my lover to yell at me tomorrow if I haven’t finished it by then.”

“Woman” is pronounced “woo man” and singular: “I saw a woman.”

“Women” is pronounced “wim en” and plural: “I saw 3 women.”

Instead of “lyric,” most people say “lyrics.” Before “lyric” or “lyrics,” put “the.” Say “the meaning” (which means “the definition”), not “the mean” (which means “the nasty” or “the statistical average”). So say “I want to know the meaning of the lyrics” or, better yet, just “I want to know what the lyrics mean.”

Write “There are 18 countries in the Middle East” or “There are 18 Middle East countries,” because those choices are short and “Middle East” should have both words capitalized.

If you’re forced to choose between just the 2 long versions: “in the numbers” is wrong, “in the count” is better but still awkward, “in number” is even better and sometimes said, but best are the short sentences I typed above.

Gold is a metal. You can’t say “Gold is more precious than all metal,” because gold isn’t more precious than itself.

Better: “My mom yelled at me for leaving the tap running” or “My mom yelled at me for not turning off the tap.”

But best & most common: “My mom yelled at me for leaving the water running.” That’s because Americans don’t say “tap” much, except when talking about beer (“What beer is on tap?”) or body parts (“He tapped me on the shoulder”) or jobs (“I got tapped to do that awful job”).

“Will” and “shall” differ in tone. “You will eat your dinner” is a prediction. “You shall eat your dinner” is stronger: it’s a command.

“I will be late for dinner” is a prediction. “I shall be late for dinner” is stronger: it means I’ve decided to be late for dinner (because I dislike the dinner or prefer doing something else first).

“I will be late this evening” probably means I’ll arrive late but might mean I’ll stay late. “I shall be late this evening” is stronger: it means I decided on that.

Summary: “will” is simple; “shall” is more forceful & commanding. That’s why God’s commands in the Bible say “you shall,” not “you will.”

“Shall” is an example of PA English (Pompous-Ass English): when you say it, you sound like a pompous ass. Americans think the British are PA but applaud the British for acting PA, because it’s so cute!

These are strong: must, have to (=hafta), got to (=gotta)

This is gentler: need to

These are even gentler: should, ought to (=oughta)

To go to the toilet’s room, we in the Northeast U.S. don’t mention “toilet.” In a home, we usually say “bathroom”; in a restaurant or office building, we usually say “restroom” (or “men’s room” or “ladies’ room”) but can still say “bathroom.” We can say “visit” for “restroom” but not for “bathroom.”

These expressions are the most common:

“Excuse me, I’d like to go to the bathroom/restroom.”

“Where is she? She’s in the bathroom/restroom.”

“Excuse me, I need to visit the restroom.”

“Postponed” is vague. “Postponed” means “delayed,” but “rescheduled” means “delayed and a new time has been picked.”

If I don’t want to admit I’ll never attend such a meeting, I could be vague and write “I decided to postpone the meeting.” If I’m more honest, I’d put “postpone” in quotes, like this: I decided to “postpone” the meeting. Those quotation marks hint to my audience that “postpone” is just a euphemism, a polite way of saying “probably cancel.” If I’m saying that sentence verbally, I’d pause before and after each “postpone” syllable (long pause then say “post” then short pause then “pone” then medium pause); and at the beginning of each syllable I’d make two fingers on each hand (middle & index fingers) imitate falling quotation marks. That implies the word “postpone” shouldn’t be taken seriously and adds humor to my declaration, so my audience might laugh instead of curse me.

That’s how to politely lie! I mean: how to be “tactful!”

“Conned” means “cheated.”

“Ripped off” is vaguer: it can mean “cheated” or just “charged far too much.”

The standard example is: “I pray to God.”

Another example is “I pray we win,” where “pray” means “hope.” The sentence means “I hope we win, and I might even pray to God about it.”

Another example is: “Pray tell, where the hell were you last night?” In that example, “Pray tell” means “Please tell me” but cynically: the person asking expects a disappointing or dishonest answer and is about to yell at the person but holds back the anger, to sound polite, the calm before the storm.

A variant is “Prithee, tell me where the fuck you went last night.” The word “prithee” is archaic, from Shakespeare’s time. It’s a short form of “I pray to thee,” so it means “please.” Nowadays, anybody who says “prithee” tries to be funny, ridiculously polite, the joke before the head bashing.

We Americans would say just “Take the 2^nd left, onto XYZ Street.”

If he’s the “whistle blower,” you can say “he blew the whistle.” For example, if he announced (or at least revealed) that Jack was doing illegal stuff, you can say “he blew the whistle on Jack.”

“Detect” something in your environs. “Acquire” info. “Learn” something new.

The sentence can mean “In this series of tennis matches, I’ll start by competing against John. Later, I’ll compete against others (if I haven’t been eliminated yet).”

Usually, I recommend just “Emma is very nice” or “Emma seems very nice” or “Emma was very nice to us” or “Emma was great!” or “Emma was so helpful!” because they’re shorter. “Emma seems to be a very nice person” is longer but has this advantage: it generalizes about her whole personality.

In your sentences, the word “seems” means “probably is, but maybe is not; I won’t know for sure until I see her more often.” Here’s a more complete thought: “Emma may seem a very nice person, but actually she’s a dragon: I saw her breathe fire from her mouth. She can be a fire-breathing bitch.”

“Classic” can be used as a put-down, a euphemism for “old-fashioned” or “outdated” or “totally terrible.” Examples:

“Your classic reply is not what the world needs now.”

“Classical music? Ugh. Get with the times, man: rock!”

“Your hamburger toppings are classic but lack creativity.”

“You’re classical: your hat’s visor is in front — not in rear, which is cool now!

“That’s classic! Further proof you’re an outdated asshole!”

“That woman is a classical c*nt.”

“You have hiccups? You’re class (hic!) all!”

In music, the word “classical” has 3 meanings. One meaning is “music from the era of Hayden & Mozart, not earlier (which is “baroque”), not later (“which is “from the romantic era” or “modern” or “contemporary”). A totally different meaning is “anything played by classical music stations & orchestras, including everything from Bach to Stravinsky and beyond.” Some 1950’s pop music is called “classic rock,” which is as simplistic as Hayden’s music (though with more of a beat); it’s less sophisticated than pop music from the 1940’s and 1960’s.

These are all better: “business older than 17 years,” “business more than 17 years old,” “over-17-year-old business,” “business begun over 17 years ago,”

“business that’s been around for more than 17 years,” “business for more than 17 years,” “business for over 17 years”

“Reserved” implies “I’ll be quiet, tactful, not say much, be conservative, politely quiet until the conversation warms up later and I get to know you better. I want to make you happy by shutting up awhile. I respect your desire for me to shut up awhile. Maybe my quiet will make you curious, make you start a fascinating conversation about me. I’ll let you control the conversation and determine the flow of any future chat.”

“Aloof” implies “I’m better than you. I don’t want involve myself in your shit. I stand above you. I’m upper-class, unlike you. I won’t degrade myself by getting into your conversation or trying to be friendly to awful people like you.”

So a person who acts reserved to you respects you, while a person who acts aloof thinks you’re shit.

That’s because “reserved” sounds like “respect” (meaning “I respect your desire for me to be quiet and listen to you”), and “aloof” sounds like “above” (meaning “I think I’m above you, because you act like a low piece of shit”).

Calling someone “reserved” is a compliment; “aloof” is a negative.

Using “dear” to mean “expensive” is British but not American.

In both cultures, “dear” can mean “something I love so much and want to keep.” For example, “she’s a dear friend” and “that’s very dear to me.”

“Oh, dear!” is a polite upper-class way of saying “What the fuck happened! That’s so terrible!”

“Up-to-date” is okay. “Up-to-day” is wrong and never said. “Up to the day I die” (which includes “the” and omits hyphens) means “until the day I die.”

Say “food,” not “fooding.”

It would be more usual to say just “He paid for my food.”

“Quite different” or, if you want to be stronger, “entirely different.”

Some people avoid to word “very” because it’s uncreative, boring, and unsophisticated. But I like “very,” because it’s very natural! If you say “quite” instead of “very,” you sound like a snob, with your nose up in the air, like a terrifying professor or too-proud CEO.

“Definitely” means the probability is 100%.

“Apparently” means the probability is about 95%.

“Seemingly” (and “it seems that”) mean the probability is about 75%.

“Probably” means the probability is greater than 50%.

Examples of “apparently”:

“Apparently, you’re going to graduate.”

“Apparently, you made an error.”

“Apparently, the thief is John.”

“Currently” means “now,” but put “currently” after “I’m” when you want to be an ass. Examples:

“I’m currently busy” means “I’m busy now, so go away.”

“I’m currently unavailable” means “I’m unavailable now, so go away.”

You could say “He loved her so much” or “He tried so hard to keep their love aflame” or “He tried so hard to make her love him more.”

“He loved her so hard” dangerously implies his penis was hard. A hard penis is okay, but I doubt you want his penis to penetrate your chat.

“Yes” is the answer to a question. For example, if a person asks “Do you want to go to the movies,” reply “Yes” (or the opposite, which is “No”).

“Okay” (which can be abbreviated as “O.K.”) is the reply to a statement. It means “I have no objection.” If a person says “Let’s go to the movies,” reply “Okay” (which means “I have no objection”) or “Sure” or “Sounds good to me!” or the opposite (“I’d rather not”).

If a person asks “Do you want to go to the movies,” the simple reply is “Yes,” but you can say “Okay” instead, which means you’re replying to the unsaid statement “Let’s go to the movies.”

My 2 rules about “only”:

1. Instead of “only,” say “just” (which contains just 1 syllable so is faster).

2. Delay saying “just” until the last moment (so it’s clearer what “just” refers to).

Following those rules, you should say “given just.”

Exception to rule 1: in the phrase “if and only if” (which mathematicians & logicians say often), don’t change “only” to “just.” You’d get booed!

When writing a normal English sentence, write “at most,” because it’s the shortest. When discussing math equations, you can write “less than or equal to” but better to write its math symbol (<) because it’s shorter. “Not greater than” is used rarely, so ignore it.

Say “no greater than” when you want to be pessimistic, such as “Your score is no greater than average.” It resembles “no better” (“You’re no better than an asshole”). Say just “Not greater” (without “than”) when chatting, such as “Your score is just average. Not greater.”

I prefer “It is often convenient to…” That puts the “is” before “often” (the verb before the adverb).

Better yet, use a contraction: “It’s often convenient to…” The shorter, the better!

Better yet: “Often it’s convenient to…” That gets “often” out of the way of the rest of the sentence, since “often” is the sentence’s least important word.

Here are other options. Instead of “Often,” you can say “Sometimes” or “Usually” or “Normally.” Instead of “it’s convenient to,” say “it’s helpful to” or “it’s best to” or “you should” (because they’re shorter and more motivating) Which option is best? That depends on when your advice is true! In which situations should your advice be followed? Which situations are exceptions to your advice? Examples:

“To solve mx=b, usually divide both sides by m, but there are ‘issues’ if m is zero.”

“To solve mx=b, divide both sides by m (unless m is 0, which can cause ‘issues’).”

It would be more common to say “yet” instead of “still,” like this:

“I have yet to meet a person who is perfectly satisfied with his job.”

When speaking, it would be more common to use a contraction:

“I have yet to meet a person who’s perfectly satisfied with his job.”

Shorten the sentence, by changing “have yet to meet” to “haven’t yet met”:

“I haven’t yet met a person who’s perfectly satisfied with his job.”

Sound more natural, by changing “perfectly” to “totally”:

“I haven’t yet met a person who’s totally satisfied with his job.”

Include both sexes (and avoid being male-only sexist) by avoiding “his”:

“I haven’t yet met any people totally satisfied with their jobs.”

That’s the best!

Instead of “e.g.” write “for example,” which can be understood by people who don’t know “e.g.” stands for “exempli gratia,” which is Latin.

To discuss math, say “you” instead of “we,” like this:

“You divide both sides of the equation by 7.”

Or switch to the imperative (as if saying a prescription or rule), like this:

“Divide both sides of the equation by 7.”

I recommend:

Version A. “She was a criminal whom the investigators had been seeking a very long time.” Here’s why.

You want “whom” instead of “who’s.” (Some Americans are too lazy to say “whom,” so they say just “who,” which is becoming common but disliked by grammar purists.)

I’m annoyed by “looking for a very long time.” It’s correct if your mouth pauses after “for”; but if it accidentally pauses after “looking” instead, the phrase “for a very long time” confuses the listener.

If you don’t like version A, try this instead, which forces a pause before “a very long time”:

Version B. “She was a criminal whom the investigators had been looking for often, a very long time.”

When typing a text message on a cellphone, people who are too lazy to type “though” type just “tho.”

When we Americans chat verbally & informally, we often pronounce 125 as “one hundred and twenty-five,” because we think of 125 as “one hundred and a little bit more.” But on checks, we must not write $125 as “one hundred and twenty-five,” because on checks the word “and” means “decimal point goes here.” For $125.37, we must write “One hundred twenty-five and 37/100.”

Say “Please check whether your account received the funds.”

Also acceptable:

“Please make sure your account got the funds.”

“Please make sure the funds got into your account.”

“Look at your account, to make sure the funds got into it.”

Instead of saying “account,” better say which kind of account, such as “bank account” or “credit-card account” or “investment account” or “trust” or “Wells Fargo account.”

Most people say “during,” not “in” or “on.”

“Of” is more common: “Today is the happiest day of my life.”

If you prefer to write “in,” say “in all”: “Today is the happiest day in all my life.” You can also say, “In all my life, I’ve never been as happy as today!”

“A lecture in 1999” just mentions that the year was 1999.

“A lecture from 1999” emphasizes that 1999 was a long time ago (so the lecture’s contents might no longer be accurate or up-to-date, or the lecturer should be praised for expressing good ideas so early).

“Let’s go for lunch” means “let’s go out for a fun meal.”

“Let’s go to lunch” emphasizes the trouble of traveling to lunch and the trouble of having a business meeting (or evaluating a potential sex partner) while eating lunch. It means “Let’s discuss over lunch.” Example:

“I’m thinking of quitting this company.” “Hmm. Might not be a good idea. Let’s go to lunch.”

“In” and “into” are both correct. Usually “in” is better, because it’s briefer to write, say, and read, and it’s more common.

But here’s an example where “into” has a different meaning than “in.” “Walk into the park” means “enter the park now,” but “walk in the park” is vaguer and could mean “you’re already in the park but should continue walking inside it awhile.”

Say “on” usually, because it’s briefer to write, say, and read, and it’s more common, and consistency is good (don’t keep switching back & forth).

Exceptions:

People say “once upon a time,” never “once on a time.”

A famous musical is titled “Once Upon a Mattress.”

Jokers say “Once a pun, a thyme, you were spicy.”

All points inside a circle are “in the center.” But the one point from which the radius comes is the only point “at the center.” So “in the center” is vaguer than “at the center.”

The same idea fits other shapes, such as a square room you’re visiting: you’re “in the center” is vaguer than “at the center,” though both mean you’re not near an edge (a wall).

“He applied at the bank for a loan” usually means he walked into the bank for a loan (or at least went to a service area next to the bank’s building).

“He applied to the bank for a loan” is vaguer: he applied by walked into the bank or by phone or mail or online.

“Against” is clearer. “On” is vaguer. In American English, “to sanction” can mean either “to punish” or its opposite (“to approve”). By saying “against,” you make clear you mean “to punish.”

Delete the word “from.” “Modelling” is British; Americans write “modeling.”

“By Jane Doe with John Doe and John Smith” means Jane Doe is the main author but a few paragraphs or details were contributed by John Doe and John Smith, who were Jane’s assistants (or reporters stationed in different cities so could interview people far from Jane). To be more precise, some newspapers say “by Jane Doe, with contributions from John Doe and John Smith” or “by Jane Doe, with contributions from John Doe in Hong Kong and John Smith in Beijing.” That means the article was written by Jane Doe, but she included info collected by John Doe and John Smith.

“By Jane Doe, John Doe, and John Smith” mean the 3 authors are of approximately equal importance and deserve approximately equal credit. But Jane is probably slightly more important than the other 2, since she got the privilege of being listed first.

An autobiography “by Jane Doe with John Smith” can mean the autobiography was dictated by Jane (who’s famous) but then heavily edited by John.

Say “notebook” if you already owned the 4 items and picked them up in your home (or similar place), to bring to school.

Say “a notebook” if you’re in a bookstore (or similar store), and by “picked up” you mean “grabbed the 4 items, to bring to the cashier.” That’s because “a notebook” implies the notebook is still blank, you haven’t written in it yet, and so it probably isn’t yours yet.

The word should be spelled “ma’am.” It’s a contraction of “madam.” It’s popular especially in Southern U.S. restaurants when addressing elderly female customers. “Ma’am” is less common in the Northeast.

I say “sir” whenever I want to be respectful to any male. I can say that to an official (school principal, policeman, or mayor) but also to a regular person (salesman, customer, or repairman).

I often say “Yes, sir!” or “Thank you, sir!” or “Excuse me, sir,” because my dad was in the army and I was in the Boy Scouts, where “sir” is a popular word of respect; but non-military folks say “sir” too.

Don’t put “Sir” before a guy’s name (such as “Sir John”) unless he’s a British knight.

“Thank you, Mary” and “Thanks, Mary” are both correct (including a comma). But few people say “Thanks, Mary,” because its style is contradictory: “Thanks” is informal but adding “Mary” is formal. Most people would be completely formal (“Thank you, Mary”) or completely informal (be brief and say just “Thanks”).

Write a comma before “thank you.” The expressions are said rarely and indicate surprise, like “wow” but milder, more polite. The “why” version is more popular when an old person talks to a youngster.

Both are said mainly in public, such as when a stranger surprisingly holds open a door for you or carries a bag for you. It’s one step short of paying the person a tip, which would be inappropriate.

Most people are too lazy to say all that. They say just “Thank you.” But to emphasize “Thank you,” they say it loudly (and write it with an exclamation point afterwards) or say it slowly (to say it thoughtfully or to a young child).

The most common is “Thanks for dinner.” To make the statement stronger, add an exclamation point: “Thanks for dinner!” Especially in text messages, use an exclamation point (not a period) to show you’re sincerely enthusiastic, not cynical. You can add a smiley, to show further you’re happy.

The most natural question is “Are you okay?” Don’t ask “Are you hurt?” since the person obviously did get hurt: the only question is whether the hurt is minor (hardly noticeable), major (needs an ambulance), or moderate. “Are you okay?” gives the victim a chance to elaborate about pain & desires, without presupposing a particular answer. Probably the person can rise & walk, but slowly & painfully, so might want shorter traveling; to find out, ask “Are you okay?” and wait for reply.

“I assume” means “I think the probability is over 50%.”

“You assume… but,” means:

“You think the probability is over 50%, but I think the probability is under 50%.”

“You’re assumed innocent until proven guilty” means “You’re probably guilty, but we don’t have enough evidence to prove that yet.”

“May” and “might” are both okay, but “might” is less optimistic. Success probability is about 40% for “might,” 60% for “may,” 80% for “could,” ”100% for “can.” Those probabilities are if you don’t stress the word; but if you say “might” or “may” or “could” or “can” loudly (or capitalize it or italicize it or boldface it), it sounds more pessimistic (subtract 10% from the probability), because it sounds like you don’t believe the person will hurry enough or maybe there will be a traffic jam.

“There’s little hope of his recovery” means I’m sad, because he seems to be getting worse and will probably die.

“There’s a little hope for his recovery” means I’m happy because there’s new hope, since he’s getting better or the doctors thought of a new procedure that might work.

“Wow” is a statement, meaning “I’m excited, amazed, and surprised,” because something very good (or very bad) just happened.

“Whoa” is a question, meaning “What the fuck just happened?” It also means “That changes everything,” so we must rethink the future.

Old folks say “Wow” but rarely say “Whoa,” which has a hippie flavor, smelling of anti-intellectual young’uns who use drugs and are freewheeling.

“Have a blast at college” means “have a great, fun time at college, a blast of joy” (but without explosive bombs, which would upset the police). Have an explosively great time using chemistry of great interpersonal relationships!

It means she’s “another woman I fucked.” A similar term is “a notch on the door.”

How does a Harvard man differ sexually from a Dartmouth man (from New Hampshire’s Dartmouth College)? I got degrees from both schools and confess the following tale is mainly true, usually said with heaving breathing at appropriate moments.…

A Harvard man challenged a Dartmouth man to see who could take the most women to bed in one night. The Harvard man went to his dorm room, had sex with a woman, and put a mark on his door, like this:

ç

Then he had sex with a 2^nd woman, so he put a mark next the first mark. He had sex with a 3^rd woman and put a third mark. Then he fell asleep, exhausted.

The next morning, the Dartmouth man dropped by and asked, “How did you do?” The Harvard man proudly pointed at the door:

ççç

The Dartmouth man said, “A hundred and eleven? Beat me by one!”

“As much as I love you, I shouldn’t marry you” means:

“Even though I love you very much, I shouldn’t marry you.”

“You shouldn’t use colloquial words in writing an academic text, because people who edit academic texts are assholes.” That sentence is unacceptable in an academic text, because the editors fear people in other countries don’t know what assholes are. The editors also don’t like contractions, because they think the longer the academic paper is, the more outstanding it is.

So that sentence should be written, “You should not employ colloquial words in the construction of an academic text, because the editorial committee, whose duty consists of editing your research, has great concern about the appropriateness of letting your localized denigrated vocabulary infiltrate the minds of the global audience, whose duty is to admire and reference your article and imbue great praise upon its universality.”

The traditional rule is:

i before e (except after c, or when sounded like A, as in “neighbor” or “weigh”).

That rule was disproved by “science,” which has i before e after c. It’s also disproved by Germanic words in science & math (such as “eigenvector”), “Einstein” (a German immigrant to the USA), “stein” (a German word that’s become an English word meaning “beer mug”, “Eileen” (a popular girl’s name) and “Eiffel Tower” (a popular girl’s place in Paris). Americans already know “Heil Hitler.” In all those examples, “ei” is pronounced like the capital letter I, so the traditional poem should be expanded to:

i before e, except after c,

or when sounded like A, as in “neighbor” or “weigh,”

or when sounded like I, as in “Eileen” or “Heil Hitler.”

Hey, Ana, I’m spelling your name wrong and making a mistakes here too, but will you hate me forever?

Gee whiz, girl, my mistrakes make it real hard to impress you and have you choose me to be your employee, teacher, boyfriend, or husband. But if I try real hard in the future to be nice and act smart, maybe I stand a chance?

Same with your résumé.

Most people don’t know how to spell “raspberry.” They omit the “p.” Some people just give up: they write “razzberry,” which is how “raspberry” is pronounced. “Blow him a razzberry” or “give him a razz” or “give him a Bronx cheer” means “insult him by making a fart sound from your lips.” Details are at wikipedia.org/wiki/Blowing_a_raspberry

English could be simplified in 3 ways.

Just 3 verb tenses To simplify English, I’d have just one past tense (using the word “did”) and one future tense (using the word “will”), like this: “I did go” (past), “I go” (present), “I will go” (future). Or use the Chinese system: “I go yesterday” (or “I go already”), “I go today,” “I go tomorrow.” (The Chinese word for “already” is “le.”)

Spell phonetically To explain how to pronounce a word, dictionaries rewrite the word in phonetics. My book compares 8 phonetic systems, each reasonable in its own way. Many non-English languages are easier to spell, especially Spanish and Asian languages (such as pinyin Chinese, which millions of kids are taught).

Internationalize Esperanto is an artificial language trying to combine the best features of each language, to create a universal simple language. But it was based on old European languages instead of English, which has become the international standard even for diplomacy (previously in French), though not yet for music (still in Italian) and not yet for biology & medicine (still in Latin). Oui, sayonara, the world still upgefukt ist!

Typing in all caps is considered shouting.

Also, people have a harder time reading all-caps than correctly capped writing. Experiments show: reading all-caps is slower than reading correctly capped, and typos in all-caps are harder to detect & fix than if correctly capped.

If you’re too lazy to correctly cap, type in all-lowercase instead. Many people do. It’s permitted in text messages & emails.

To emphasize a word or phrase, you can make it all capitals, italics, boldface,  underlined, a different color, circled, or in a bigger font. But a whole sentence or paragraph, all written in capitals or italics, is harder & slower to read than when written traditionally with lower-case letters.

“December” is correct. “december” is wrong, because you must capitalize the first letter of all months (& countries, cities, family names, days of the week, etc.).

If you want to emphasize a word, you can highlight that entire word. To highlight, you can make the word be CAPITALIZED or boldfaced or italicized or underlined (or in a big font or a box or a different color or have a different colored background). For example, you can write:

“I already told you: I’ll kiss you in DECEMBER, not sooner, not today!”

The EASIEST way to highlight a typed word is to CAPITALIZE. Especially when sending text messages, capitalizing is MUCH EASIER than boldfacing or italicizing or underlining. When scribbling a note using pen & paper, the easiest way to highlight is to underline. The SAFEST way to highlight a word is to italicize it, since italics are allowed even when you’re writing a newspaper article, magazine article, or technical paper.

To highlight the most noticeably when writing a book, use boldface. When I publish books, I boldface often, especially when introducing a new term, like this:

He’s totally upgefukt, which Germanically means “fucked up!”

Capitalize adjectives if they refer to places (such as “French”) or people (such as “Alfredo”). Wikipedia, which tells each adjective’s history, says “mozzarella” means “cut a little,” so it’s not the name of a place or person and should not be capitalized.

If a food’s adjective isn’t on Wikipedia, check the Web to see what other restaurants do, but beware: some restaurants are lazy and capitalize nothing. Wikipedia is fussier, and so am I when I edit restaurant menus.

Exception: you can capitalize an adjective if it’s a sentence’s first word or part of a headline, like this:

Today’s special: Pickles Mozzarella! Try our amazingly sour pickles coated with super-gooey melted mozzarella cheese! Unforgettable! Just 5 cents per pickle! (Vomit tray not included.)

Capitalize the C. Reputable sources capitalize the V just if “Vitamin” is a sentence’s first word or in a headline or in the name on a pill bottle.

Follow the same rules for foreign titles as for American titles, like this:

Mayor Smith

the mayor, Smith,

Smith, the mayor,

Smith, the mayor of Chicago,

Smith, Chicago’s mayor,

Notice “Mayor” is capitalized in the first example but not in the other examples. The same habit applies to other titles, such as “President Trump,” “King Alfred,” and “Pope John.”

In general, don’t capitalize “opera.” For example, you can write “I went to the opera” or “I heard the opera.”

If opera is part of a title, capitalize. The main example is “The Threepenny Opera.”

“Opera” is also the name of a Web browser. It competes against Chrome, Firefox, Siri, Internet Explorer, and Microsoft Edge. Since it’s a branded product, it must be capitalized. If I change my first name to “Opera” (or make “Opera” my nickname), I must capitalize too!

Yes. The title at the top of the newspaper’s front page is:

THE WALL STREET JOURNAL.

Notice the capital T. Also notice the period after “Journal.” Once, that newspaper forgot to include the period. I phoned the reporter who’d written about me, and I complained about the missing period. The next day’s paper had the period again!

The version that comes out on Saturdays says this instead:

WSJ

THE WALL STREET JOURNAL WEEKEND

So every Saturday The Wall Street Journal misses its period — because that’s when it’s pregnant?

Where I grew up (New York City and New Jersey), “Joel” is pronounced as 1½ syllables: the “e” is pronounced very quickly, so it almost disappears (like a schwa).

In the U.S. Midwest, “Mary” and “merry” and “marry” are pronounced almost the same as each other. But where I come from (New York City and New Jersey), they’re pronounced differently from each other, and we laugh at people who pronounce them all the same.

To answer your original question: the “ar” in “vary” is pronounced the same as in “Mary”; the “er” in “very” is pronounced the same as in “merry.” Whether “ar” sounds the same as “er” depends on which part of the U.S. you’re from.

In most of the U.S., “there” and “their” and “they’re” are all pronounced the same.

I’d say “2 point one five miles.” But we Americans hardly ever talk about hundredths of a mile; we’re usually cruder and say just “a little over 2 miles” or “a little over 2 point 1 miles.”

Congrats on trying to speak English like a native! But many Americans like hearing foreign accents, which they are cute. Many Americans are attracted to foreign speakers and want to date or marry them.

Learn to speak like an American, since knowledge is power; but don’t be surprised that many Americans admire you just the way you are!

Famous American & British actors try to adopt foreign accents so they can play characters who are comic or romantic. There are even courses in how to speak like a “foreigner.”

Every birthday, my family sings “Happy Birthday” in a German accent, imitating our immigrant grandparents, because it’s fun. In that accent, each “th” is pronounced as just “t,” and each “h” is pronounced as a German or Hebrew “ch.”

Many American men try to date Chinese immigrant women having Chinese accents, because they think those women need help and are subservient. Later, when those Chinese women get more experienced, those women become more self-reliant, confident, tougher, and less “cute.”

“Couple of years” is most correct, but now many people have become lazy: they omit the “of” in speech & writing and even in respected newspapers! That laziness upsets me, but I realize language changes over time: Americans like to shorten grammar & spelling, so I put up with it. In your own writing, please keep the “of,” so elderly readers don’t vomit.

“You smell of” means “You smell like you’re made of.”

“You smell of perfume” means “You smell like you’re made of perfume, because you used too much perfume.”

“You smell of whiskey” means “You smell like you’re made of whiskey, because whiskey’s on your clothes or body or in your breath.”

In those examples, “of” means you’re going to get an insult. To insult more successfully, change “smell” to “reek,” which means “smell too strongly.” For example, “You reek of perfume” means “You smell too strongly like you’re made of perfume.” “You reek of whiskey” means “You smell too strongly like you’re made of whiskey”;

“The cake smells of rum” means “The cake smells like it’s made of rum, because rum is one of the cake’s ingredients.” That’s a compliment if you like rum. “The cake reeks of rum” is definitely an insult: it means “The cake smells too strongly it’s made of rum.”

This is better:

Writers have been told, “Never use adverbs.”

This is even better:

Writers have been told: never use adverbs.

Some style sheets say “Capitalize after a colon,” so they demand this capitalization (but I disagree):

Writers have been told: Never use adverbs.

To be cynical, write this:

Writers have been told insistently, dramatically, and very demandingly: never use adverbs.

Here’s the truth about adverbs: the word “very” tends to be overused, so use it seldom. Instead of typing “very,” make the next word be capitalized, italicized, or boldfaced. Other adverbs are useful sometimes; but if you have too many adverbs, your sentence gets too long to read before the reader falls asleep; so use adverbs sparingly.

People usually say “set off” just in a race or long walk. Unless you’re talking about those things, it’s more common to say “You’ll arrive back where you started” or “You’ll arrive back where you began” or “You’ll return to where you started.”

The 2 changes I notice most (in Northeast U.S.) are:

Instead of saying “a couple of,” people omit the “of.”

Instead of saying “whom,” people say “who.”

Both are examples of shortening. They annoy me.

Write as briefly as possible, to waste less of the audience’s time and less paper. So omit the word “that.” Keep the word “that” just in sentences where omitting it might cause confusion.

When editing, my brain is on autopilot: each time I see the word “that,” I ask myself: is the word necessary or at least helpful? For your sentence, the answer is no.

Anyway, I don’t believe your sentence: I don’t believe you kept deciding, repeatedly, “from then on,” again and again, you loved Spanish. Maybe you meant one of these:

“That class made me love Spanish.”

“At that moment, I began to love Spanish.”

“That class made me fall in love with Spanish.”

“That’s when my eternal love of Spanish began.”

“At that moment, my love affair with Spanish began.”

“That’s when Spanish stole my heart and I married it, forever!”

“That was when I decided Spanish would be my favorite language.”

“That’s when my love of Spanish began. I’ve been loving Spanish ever since!”

“My love of Spanish began then and never wavered. Wow! I still love Spanish so much!”

“That’s when I fell in love with Spanish. Forever after, that love flame has never faltered: it burns brightly still!”

Go invent your own love letter to Spanish! Say why you love Spanish so much!

I prefer “But 3 issues remain, which we hope to resolve soon.”

The shorter, the better! Don’t waste the reader’s time!

Since the sentence’s first part is in the past tense, the last part should be past tense also: say “planned,” not “plan.”

“Go” is better than “goes.” I also recommend you omit the word “that,” so write “I suggest he go there.”

A more typical sentence, of the same ilk, would be “I suggested he go to Hell” or “I suggest you go to Hell” or “I suggest you go f*** yourself” or “Dear apprentice chef, I suggest you beat the eggs harder.”

“I worked” means I worked in the past but not now.

“I have worked” is slightly vaguer: it means I worked in the past (and maybe now also, but we’re not chatting about the present).

“I have been working” means I worked in the past and definitely now also.

Examples:

“I killed 20 men when I was a kid.”

“I’ve killed 20 men. Don’t ask me when.”

“I’ve been killing more men, whenever I get a chance, and today‘s your turn!”

To talk normally, say “I joined in 2011.”

When telling a long story, some people avoid the past tense altogether, since writing the past tense for each verb is tiring. They talk like this:

“For several years, I’m unemployed. Then my friend suggests I apply to FunCorp. So I apply. And wow, to my surprise, I get hired! I join in 2011. I’m happy! Then I get fired in 2012 for acting too happy! What a bummer! So for several years, I sulk. Then wow, I get rehired by FunCorp, because now they do want people who act happy!”

By writing that whole story in the present tense instead of the past, the story becomes more like an action-packed theater performance.

That use of the present tense is popular in jokes. For example, here’s a joke by a famous Jewish comedian:

“I have a pain, so I go to the doctor. I tell him, ‘It hurts when I do this.’ He says, ‘So don’t do that!’”

“You were” is the standard answer.

But here’s a related phrase: “You what!!?” Example:

Child: “Sorry, but I ate the whole birthday cake.”

Parent: “You what!!?”

If the parent has a German-Jewish-Yiddish-NewYork accent, as many comedians do, the parent’s reply is pronounced “You vass!!?” (typically followed by “Oy!”), because the German word for “what” is pronounced “vass” but written “was” (because in German a “w” is pronounced the same as the English “v”). So when I see “You was,” I think of “You vass!!?” and laugh. That’s an example of how “wrong” grammar excites comedians.

A famous poem, using wrong grammar, is:

Spring has sprung.

The grass has riz.

I wonder where

The flowers is.

A similar famous poem, using wrong grammar, is:

The sun has riz,

The sun has set,

Yet here we is

In Texas yet.

“She lay on her bed.”

Don’t say “She got laid on her bed.” That would be too sexy.

Trump lied on TV.

We Americans usually say “the Harrison family is,” not “the Harrison family are.” Exception: instead of saying “The Harrison family’s members are all assholes,” we lazy Americans say just “The Harrison family are all assholes.” Democrats say “Trump” instead of “Harrison.”

These are better because simpler:

“You, reading this post,…”

“If you’re reading this post,…”

“Since you’re reading this post,…”

“Hey, you! Yeah, you! Since you’re reading this post,…”

“The person reading this post…”

“Anybody reading this post…”

I’m from Northeast U.S., where we’d say:

“If you’re going to get anything from us, you must earn it.”

You can write these contractions: I’d, you’d, he’d, she’d, we’d, they’d. But not “John’d”. Use contractions just with pronouns (I, you, he, she, we, they), not nouns (such as “John”).

When saying “John would,” sometimes I pronounce the word “would” briefly, omitting the “w” sound and shortening the “ou” sound, so “would” sounds like “ud.” But I don’t write that.

Exception: for the verb “fucked” (which is pronounced “fuckd”), a creative person might write “fuck’d,” but “f**k*d” is more common.

Comparative: “loyaler” might exist, but most people say “more loyal” instead.

Superlative: “loyalest” might exist, but most people say “most loyal.” Don’t write “loyalist,” which sounds the same as “loyalest” but has a different meaning: “a loyalist” is a member of a loyal group, especially a group loyal to a king.

Sometimes we use wrong grammar purposely, to create humor about extremes. Examples:

“I may be wrong, but you’re wronger.”

“That food is delicious, but this food is delicious-er.”

“She’s beautiful, but you’re the most beautifullest!”

“Harvard’s a great school, but I’m the greatest.”

Here’s a tougher issue about comparatives: is it okay to say “I run fast”? When I was young, I thought “fast” was just an adjective, not an adverb, so the sentence should be “I run quickly”; but modern dictionaries permit “I run fast.”

Both are correct, but shorter is better, so say:

“There will be no updates made to the system.”

Even shorter & better: “There will be no updates to the system.”

Even shorter & better: “There will be no system updates.”

Even shorter & better: “The system won’t be updated.”

“I don’t have any children” is the usual sentence.

But you can say “I don’t have any child in the sixth grade” or “I don’t have any child who’s been arrested.” That’s when the attention is on a single weird child.

“Google productivity extensions” is correct.

“Productivity Google extensions” has the wrong word order.

If you mean productivity extensions invented by Google, this is clearer: “Google’s productivity extensions.” If you mean productivity extensions for Google’s Chrome browser, say “Productivity extensions for Chrome.” If you mean productivity extensions invented by others for use with Google searches, say “Productivity extensions for Google searches.”

Your question resembles this:

“Sue’s purple shoes” is correct, if her shoes are purple.

“Purple Sue’s shoes” has the wrong word order, unless Sue has purple skin.

Better to say “His application was typed properly and accepted.”

That insures “properly” modifies just “typed,” not “typed and accepted.”

“Mom goes into bar to drink beer but leaves her kid outside in the rain.”

She’s an asshole! She could get arrested for child neglect and needs counseling for becoming an alcoholic.

“Water is where the frog died” or, more naturally, “In the water is where the frog died.”

Alternatives:

“Water surrounded the frog when it died.”

“Water enveloped the frog when it died.”

“Water covered the dying frog.”

“Water became the locale of the frog’s demise.”

“Water — yes, waiter! — give me a glass of water, into which I’ll dump my dying frog.”

To avoid implying the hamster is black, put “hamster” before “black” (“I had a cat, hamster, and black dog”) or put “a” before each (“I had a cat, a black dog, and a hamster” or tell the hamster’s color (“I had a cat, black dog, and pink hamster”).

In most sentences, I recommend you switch “only” to “just” (because “just” has fewer syllables) and put “just” as late in the sentence as possible (to make clearer which word “just refers to”).

So instead of “will only be using hamburger” or “will be only using hamburger,” say “will be using just hamburger.”

Here are 2 exceptions to my general rules:

1. If “only” is used as an adjective, you can’t switch it to “just.” For example, “she’s my only child” can’t be switched to “she’s my just child.”

2. A common phrase in math & logic is “if and only if.” In that phrase, don’t change “only” to “just,” because that switch confuses mathematicians & logicians.

“It’s hard to change our personalities, because they’re formed by the culture & environment we grew up in.”

Your example of direct speech needs a comma (and usually an exclamation point), like this: “Good morning, doctor!”

Indirect would be: I wished the doctor a good morning.

Don’t confuse these 2:

“Good morning, doctor.”

“Good mourning, funeral director!”

These sentences are grammatically correct; choose the one matching your meaning:

“There are distinct differences between them.”

“There’s a distinct difference between them.”

“They’re distinctly different from each other.”

“There are many differences between them.”

“It’s distinctly different.”

“It’s quite different.”

“It’s very different.”

“It’s very different from the other.”

“Your nose is quite different from the snot that comes out of it!”

“Omigod, yes! They’re so different from each other! Yikes!”

“The two are about the same age, but Biden is quite different from Trump!”

“They’re both charming, but a closer look shows one is a forgery.”

Better: “We’ve been waiting for the past few days, hoping.”

Even better: “For the past few days, we’ve been waiting, hoping.”

Alternatives:

“For the past few days, we’ve been hoping.”

“For the past few days, we’ve had hope.”

“For the past few days, we’ve had a hope, but…”

Shorter is better. Here’s the shortest: “My brothers or mom will get me.”

Most people know “get” typically means “pick up” and not “torture”; but if you need to be 100% clear, say “My brothers or mom will pick me up.”

The conversation might go like this: “Who’ll pick you up?” “My brothers or mom.”

Instead of “pick me up” or “get me,” you can say “take me home” if home is the goal.

3 kinds: right, wrong, and “I’m gonna say it this way and I don’t give a fuck what you think.” Nerds call the 3^rd type “transformational.”

An “A” means “Perfect, or nearly perfect.” It’s a reward.

5 things to do:

Ask her whether the B is because of your English or your ideas.

Ask her whether you can resubmit the paper later, to improve it.

Ask her for more suggestions on how to improve it.

Try even harder to learn English better.

If you’re still extremely frustrated, switch (to a different professor, class, major, or school), where American English is considered less important or standards are lower.

Use commas or exclamation points or hyphens.

Saying “beep, beep, beep” is simple.

Saying “beep! beep! beep!” means it’s annoying.

Saying “Beep! Beep! Beep!” means it’s annoying and loud.

Saying “beep-beep-beep!” means it’s fast.

Examples:

“Some asshole’s at the door, making the damn doorbell go ring! ring! ring!”

“I’m driving to the hospital as fast as possible but gotta get the pedestrians out of the way, beep-beep-beep!”

“I’m just kidding, ha-ha-ha!”

“I’m getting angrier & angrier. To be polite, I keep my mouth shut, but my teeth are going grind, grind, grind!”

Avoid saying “however.” Change “however” to “but” (“But I like you!”) or “no matter how” (“No matter how he complains, be firm!”) or “any way” (“Do it any way you wish!”).

Old-fashioned style guides say to never begin a sentence with “But” or “And” or “Or,” but most modern sources permit them. “But” is better than “however” because “but” is shorter to write, read, and say. “However” makes you sound like an old pedantic asshole whom people would like to kick in the butt!

Put a comma after “usually” just if “usually” is the sentence’s first word.

But starting a sentence with “usually” is awkward. It’s better to put “usually” before the verb. Instead of “Usually, I sing before dinner” it’s better to say “I usually sing before dinner.”

Exception: if you also want to emphasize what’s not usual, go ahead and put “Usually” before the sentence. Example:

“Usually, I sing before dinner. But today I recited a poem instead.”

If a sentence ends with “though,” put a comma before it. But instead of putting “though” at the sentence’s end, better put “But” at the sentence’s beginning.

This is acceptable:

“He’s friendly. He’s dishonest, though.”

But this is better (because shorter and easier to understand):

“He’s friendly. But he’s dishonest.”

Other alternatives:

“He’s friendly, but he’s dishonest.”

“He’s friendly but dishonest.”

The second comma must be dropped. Since most people prefer brevity, use contractions and fewer words & syllables, like this: “Someday, everyone we’ve known will disappear from our lives.”

I recommend including an Oxford comma (which is also called the “serial comma” and described at Wikipedia.org/wiki/Serial_comma). I put an Oxford comma in all sentences I write.

For difficult lists of words, bind 2 nouns together by using hyphens or quotation marks or an ampersand:

You can have cereal, pancakes, or bacon-and-eggs.

You can have cereal, pancakes, or “bacon and eggs.”

You can have cereal, pancakes, or bacon & eggs.

Another example: “I love Joan (my wife) and the kitten.” Those parentheses are necessary to prove I love 2 things (Joan and the kitten), not 3 things (Joan and my wife and the kitten) and not 1 thing (Joan, who is my wife and is also the kitten).

When I was a magazine editor and used the Oxford comma, my boss (the magazine’s publisher) was against it (because it takes up space, which costs money). He moaned to me that he’d appreciate my not arguing about “one lousy comma.” So do whatever you want, as long as your boss doesn’t sob and act like an S.O.B.

“Oxford comma” is mentioned in a great song, “Word Crimes” by Weird Al Yankovic at YouTube.com/watch?v=8Gv0H-vPoDc.

I use ampersands but never put a comma before an ampersand.

Here’s when I use ampersands…

An ampersand is convenient to separate two simple adjectives. When writing a restaurant menu, “Sweet & sour chicken” is a useful alternative to “Sweet-and-sour chicken,” though another possibility is “Sweet ’n sour chicken. Similarly, for other kinds of writing, it’s convenient to write “warm & cuddly,” “hot & heavy,” “fat & ugly.” Americans pronounce the “&” the same as ’n, which is pronounced “en” or “un” (or, more precisely, with a schwa sound before the “n”).

Example: “I want to order soup, salad, and sweet & sour chicken.” In that example, the Oxford comma is after salad (because I like the Oxford comma, which makes lists clearer), and I used the ampersand to bind “sweet” with “sour.”

In the movie “The Wizard of Oz,” the characters sing: “Lions and tigers and bears… Oh my!” That could also be written “Lions & tigers & bears… Oh my!”

Use ampersands between simple adjectives or simple nouns but not between longer phrases. Don’t write “You’re an asshole & I hate you!” Be traditional and write “You’re an asshole, and I hate you!” Some writers, to emphasize a long pause after “asshole,” write “You’re an asshole. And I hate you!” or “You’re an asshole — and I hate you!”

Newspapers & academicians dislike ampersands, but that’s because newspapers & academicians are obsolescent assholes.

Americans traditionally put the period (or comma) before an ending quotation mark, because Americans think that looks prettier than putting the period (or comma) later.

I try to follow that traditional rule. But in the Computer part of my book, I follow the rules of logic instead. If I’m teaching a programmer to type just the word “cat”, I must put the comma after the quotation mark (like I just did), because otherwise the programmer will think I want the programmer to type the comma also.

The best way to write the sentence is:

She said, “No, there isn’t anyone like that.”

This is acceptable but worse:

“No, there isn’t anyone like that,” she said.

The best way to write the sentence is usually to put the “She said” at the beginning, not the end. Here’s why: if someone is speaking, I’d first like to know who the speaker is, before hearing a bunch of verbiage, especially if the speaker can be described briefly (“she”) and the verbiage is long (“No, there isn’t anyone like that”).

If the speaker must be described lengthily, some newspapers identify the speaker last, like this:

“No,” said Joshua N. Mfune, who lives at 22 Nut Street in Somerville and immigrated from Gambia 25 years ago.

Sometimes, identifying the speaker last helps prevent the speaker’s name from interrupting the dialog. An example is the final sentence in this dialog:

She said, “I dislike you.”

He whined, “But I love you!”

“Fuck off,” she replied.

These are more realistic:

“It’s 3AM! Go to sleep!”

“Oops! It’s 3AM! I better get some shuteye.”

“Where the fuck are you! It’s 3AM and you’re not here?”

“It’s 3-fucking-o’clock in the morning! Get your ass to bed now!”

“3AM and I feel woozy. All that stuff was a real doozy. Guess I’d better get to bed, gently rest my dizzy head.”

“My dear intellectual, I know you think it’s smart to stay up until 3AM, but you got a lot to do tomorrow, so come to bed now, c’mon!”

“Wow! It’s 3 o’clock already! Gee whiz, I better get to bed. But first, I’ll have a beer or fudge. Okay, I’ll be good: I’ll have milk or tea instead. Then brush my teeth then shave. Then… omigod! Now it’s 4 o’clock!”

“Darling, it’s 3AM. I know you enjoy reading stupid comments on Quora, but you should come to bed now and turn off the light, so you’ll have enough energy tomorrow to write reasonable replies on Quora — plus do all the other things you ignored. Honey, I love you, but you need to stop getting yourself Quorantined!”

To say “You too, thank you,” use this punctuation:

“You too. Thank you!”

That emphasizes a pause after “too” and excitement about “Thank you!”

Put an exclamation point after “Joe” and a comma before, like this: “Hi, Joe!”

The correct punctuation, is “Hi, my friend!” But Americans never say that phrase. When someone writes that in an email, I assume the rest of the email will be an ad from a foreigner trying to get my money, like this.

“Hi, my friend! Do you suffer from being too fat? Watch this video to see how our supplement will make you magically lose weight…” and make us magically rich by stealing your money.

No hyphen.

“Standby” does not need a hyphen when it’s a noun, adjective, or adverb. If you want a verb, write 2 words, like this:

“I stand by you.”

Yes, keep the hyphen. That’s what we traditionalists do. But hyphens are becoming less popular in English. 50 years from now, people might say, “Hyphens? Who uses hyphens anymore?” A few years ago, the Oxford English Dictionary announced it was going to deemphasize hyphens.

In America, “setup” is a noun (“That’s a nice setup”). “Set up” is a verb phrase (“I set up the office”). We never write “set-up.”

On a Windows keyboard, the hyphen key is between the zero key and the “=” key. Put no spaces before or after a hyphen.

A dash is wider than a hyphen. To type a dash in Microsoft Word on a Windows keyboard, do this: while holding down the Ctrl and Alt keys, tap the numeric keyboard’s minus key (which is near the keyboard’s top-right corner and above the + key). Put a space before and after the dash.

I’ve been describing the em dash (which is as wide as the letter M). I don’t recommend typing an en dash (which is as wide as just the letter N), but here’s how: follow the same procedure as for an em dash but omit the Alt key.

On June 24, 2020, The Wall Street Journal ran a front-page article about the fight between single-space people and double-space people. The article said most modern people put just one space after a period, but old-fashioned lawyers prefer two spaces because their legal documents have ridiculously long sentences, so a double-space after a sentence is a welcome sign of relief, a chance for the eye to pause before reading more boilerplate crap.

At the end of a sentence, newspapers put just one space, not two, because newspaper space is costly: every blank space costs the publisher money. If every sentence ends with a double-space, the newspaper needs an extra sheet of paper to hold the lengthened articles; distributing that extra sheet to many thousands or millions of subscribers is costly. “Brevity is the soul of wit.”

To write a definition, I prefer boldface then parentheses, like this:

“psychonostrilitis (insane desire to blow nose).”

“the IJF (International Jerk Foundation)”

“the International Jerk Foundation (IJF)”

To highlight just part of a sentence (not the whole sentence), follow these rules.

If the final punctuation is a period, don’t highlight it:

I love Sue. (Period not highlighted.)

If the final punctuation is an exclamation point or question mark, highlight it:

I love Sue! (Exclamation point highlighted.)

You love Sue? (Question mark highlighted.)

If the final punctuation is a quotation mark (preceded by a period or question mark or exclamation point), highlight the quotation mark (and the punctuation preceding it) just if you’re highlighting the preceding quotation mark also (and all the words between the quotation marks).

He said, “Sue is a thief.” (Neither quotation mark highlighted.)

He said, “Sue is a thief!” (Neither quotation mark highlighted, but exclamation point highlighted.)

He asked, “Sue is a thief?” (Neither quotation mark highlighted, but question mark highlighted.)

He yelled, “Sue is a thief.” (Both quotation marks highlighted, and period highlighted because the quoted passage is a full sentence.)

Yes. Example:

“Are you nuts? or just crazy? or just joking?”

But it would be more traditional to capitalize:

“Are you nuts? Or just crazy? Or just joking?”

Or use commas:

“Are you nuts, or just crazy, or just joking?”

That’s the most traditional way. But the other ways, with the extra question marks and capitals, mean: when speaking the sentence, make longer pauses before each “or.” That’s essential when typing dialogue for a play.

A different example of continuing after a question mark:

“Maybe you’re an idiot? But I suppose you’re just ‘uninformed.’”

The traditional answer is to use a comma: “Clothing is comfortable, especially for your feet.”

But modern writers often write “Clothing is comfortable. Especially for your feet.” That’s when they want to emphasize a long pause after “comfortable.” For moderate pause, use a dash, which is acceptable even by traditionalists: “Clothing is comfortable — especially for your feet.”

A more dramatic example:

“He’s the world’s most honest man — according to himself. But…”

A more traditional way to write that would be:

“He’s the world’s most honest man? So he says. But…”

3 periods in a row (…) is called an ellipsis. 4 periods in a row (….) is appropriate when you want to end a sentence with a period but also want an ellipsis. Examples:

“I love you forever and ever and ever…. But take your toe out of my mouth.” “The following 7 paragraphs show the many ways I love you….”

When I try to type a period followed by an ellipsis, Microsoft Word insists on putting the ellipsis before the period, but I prefer putting the period before the ellipsis. The difference is barely visible; but when you try to edit the sentence, you notice what Microsoft Word did.

Historically, newspapers & magazines tried to reduce blank spaces (to reduce the cost of paper, pages, and delivery), so they didn’t indent an article’s first paragraph. The other paragraph got indented, to show where each paragraph begins & ends.

Modern newspapers & magazines care less. The first few pages of The Wall Street Journal indent every paragraph, even an article’s first paragraph.

Text messages, emails, and the Web usually indent no paragraphs: instead, a blank line is under each paragraph. (The blank line is created by hitting the Enter key twice at the end of each paragraph.) That’s because it’s hard to figure out how to indent nicely there, and blank spaces don’t cost much.

Some classic publications, to create beauty, make the article’s first paragraph’s first letter be big and in a pretty box; that letter is not indented, but the next few letters are indented to make room for that box. On the Wall Street Journal’s inside sections (Sports, Arts, Opinion, and Personal), each article’s first paragraph begins with a big capital letter or picture of the reporter, with the rest of the paragraph moved aside.

Do whatever you want!

In my books, I indent every paragraph. In text messages & simple emails, I don’t indent: I put blank lines between paragraphs. In email attachments (and letters, and memos), I indent just when using my own Microsoft Word template (which is biased to make indentation easy).

If you begin a paragraph by writing “Don’t read this paragraph,” that’ll make people curious and guarantee they’ll read it!

Other possibilities:

“I hate to admit it, but…”

“You might disagree, but…”

““You won’t believe this, but…”

“Only a fool would really believe….”

“Wow! Pow! The most amazing thought just hit me….”

“My teacher said she’ll kill me because I wrote this paragraph….”

If you ask about racial discrimination, a person might reply, “As a person of color, I think…”

That could mean “I’m a person of color, even though my skin is light enough so you might think I’m just a whitey with a tan. I don’t know what you White assholes think, but here’s what I think, because of how you guys treated me in the past.”

Or it could mean something milder.

Oh, yes, yes!, yes indeedy!!!, a very long sentence can indeed, inDEED, count as a paragraph, not just a semiparagraph, not just a hemisemiwhammo piece of a paragraph, so help me God, yea, indeed my Lord, my wonderful Lord, a single munificent paragraph can carry the whole universe away, as well as any idiot who tries to read the whole crap before vomiting into the ocean, the ocean!!!, the beautiful blue ocean, on which to sail into neverland, never to be read again, alas, alack, as we fall into the bottom of written Hell.

But seriously…

Even a short sentence can be a paragraph. But if you have several paragraphs in a row, and each paragraph is just one sentence, your composition looks choppy, disorganized. My personal advice:
make the average paragraph contain 3 sentences. 2 or 4 are also okay. If a paragraph has just 1 sentence, the paragraphs before and after it should not be just 1 sentence.

Here’s an example of when to use a 1-sentence paragraph after a longer one:

He hoped. He prayed. He wished so hard that God or somebody would hear his voice. But all was silence. So he did what was necessary.

He pulled the trigger.

Ah, my dear, it’s certainly the undeniable truth that brevity is indeed a goal to be strongly sought, as herewith summarized:

Yes.

Wouldn’t you rather read “Yes” than the blather above it, especially when you’re in a rush?

Folks today are too busy to read much — or do anything else much. Our world is full of distractions now, such as cellphones. It’s hard to find time to read a long book or even a long sentence.

Our society has been trained to be brief. The world is rushed. When TV started, TV restricted its presentations to under 15 minutes per chunk, so people could watch commercials, go to the bathroom, or grab a snack. TV expects most commercials be just 30 seconds, because the audience will switch channels (or go to the bathroom to vomit) if your commercial or show doesn’t create desire fast. When Apple invented the Mac computer (later imitated by Windows), Apple made people look at pictures (“icons”) instead of reading pull-down menus. YouTube began by restricted its videos to 10 minutes. Zoom wants groups to stop chatting in 40 minutes. Going beyond those limits causes complications.

At exhibitions, if you don’t attract a person’s attention in 7 seconds, the person walks past you to the next booth. Business executives prefer messages short enough to be an “elevator pitch”: short enough to be said & finished in an elevator before the elevator reaches the desired floor.

Our world has gotten rushed and stupid — but more diverse.

Also, people travel more, from country to country, so we have more immigrants, whose ability to master long English sentences is limited. In past centuries, we borrowed more directly from German, which loved long subordinate clauses requiring lots of patience to get through; but now sentences are shorter.

We’re all prisoners in this world. We prefer to be subjected to shorter sentences, so we can have the freedom to stop reading and just be jerks.

When I tell students how to write essays, I give this advice: imagine you’ve gone into an office where your boss is a big, fat pompous ass who sits at his desk, smokes a cigar, has his feet up on the desk, and tells you, “Okay, kid, I’ll give you 5 minutes. What’s your point?”

If you’re writing for a newspaper or magazine but your article is too long (wastes too much paper), the editor will abridge it in a way you might not like, so abridge it the way you want!

One famous writer advised, “If you’ve got a nail to hit, hit it on the head.”

So don’t mess around. Get to your point fast. The faster the better!

Bottom line: if you don’t waste time, you get praised. Popular advice today is “KISS,” which means “Keep It Simple, Stupid!”

Robert Frost mocked length. He wrote a long poem saying New Hampshire is beautiful. But then came his last sentence: “I live in Vermont.”

When creating comedies, Woody Allen said his requirement is to create at least one laugh every 30 seconds. I apologize for taking longer.

Here’s a different, practical reason to be brief: if your words, sentences, or paragraphs are too long, your readers can get confused, tired, sleepy, and dead before finishing them. To keep your readers alive, refreshed, and happy, give them zingers (jokes or exciting ideas) as fast as possible. If you help your readers “laugh or learn” fast, they’ll thank you. That’s the whole purpose of writing: to please the reader, or at least help the reader become a better person, so the reader (or God) will thank you.

Another suggestion: after writing, go have a cup of coffee or a good night’s sleep, then peek at your writing again. Your refreshed eyes will notice many ways your writing could improve. If you’re brave, invite your friends to look at what you wrote: they’ll tell you scary truths about your writing, reveal truths you didn’t notice. You don’t have to obey all their suggestions, but you should at least think about them. That experience will eventually raise you from “smart” to “wise.”

You’re reading this answer after I paused and edited it. Some people think my Quora answers are full of shit; I appreciate their advice about how to defecate (get the shit out).

Better: “What you’re saying is true in neither theory nor practice. That perception exists just in your brain.”

Here’s why. To be briefer, use contractions (“you’re” instead of “you are”). Instead of “only,” say “just” (because it’s a syllable shorter). Put the words “just” and “neither” as late in the sentence as possible, to clarify which few words they refer to (so say “exists just” instead of “just exists”).

Even better (because it’s even shorter & clearer): “What you say is false in theory & practice. Your perception exists just in your brain.”

To improve further, you could change “perception” to “opinion” or “view,” depending on what you’re describing.

A more dramatic American (like me) would say instead, “You’re nuts! What you said is bullshit, false in both theory & practice! Only a misguided jerk, like you, would believe & say such crap!”

If the apples are near,   ask “Which one of these  3 apples would you eat?”

If the apples are far,     ask “Which one of those 3 apples would you eat?”

To insert a pause, you can use an ellipsis (three periods, “…”). Then put quotation marks around the whole speech.

That works if the speech is short. If the speech includes many paragraphs, an old-fashioned book does this: indent each paragraph (no spaces between paragraphs); put an opening quotation mark at the beginning of each paragraph; and put an ending quotation mark just at the end of the last paragraph. But having so many opening quotation marks and just one ending quotation mark looks awkward; I hate that!

In my own books, here’s what I do instead. Before the speech, I write an introductory short sentence that ends in a colon, such as

John said:

I put the speech below, without quotation marks but in a smaller font (8.5-point instead of 10-point) and in a box. (Microsoft Word lets you easily put a box around paragraphs.) Indent each paragraph, except: if the paragraphs are a list of thoughts instead of normal dialogue, begin each paragraph with a bullet (·) or, what I prefer, is to put a half-height blank line between the paragraphs.

The easiest way to write academically is to write something that sounds profound but no normal person would read or understand.

So hey, babe, like should I, y’know, answer yo’ question real informal-like?

Or, prithee, should’st I endeavor, with utmost effort, to raise the level of our compassionate conversational interlude to the highest realm of ethereal joy?

Or should I talk just briefly and to the point?

Or should I follow traditional rules and never begin a line with “Or”?

English keeps changing. Here are recent changes, not all of which I like.

English gets briefer: “e-mail” becomes just “email”; “a couple of things” becomes just “a couple things”; every “whom” becomes just “who”

English changes capitalization: “Internet” becomes just “internet”; but when discussing a person’s skin color (or race), “black” becomes “Black,” and “white” becomes “White.”

“He tries to tiptoe but fails, careening off the devilishly super-slippery mud and tumbling onto his ass, which doesn’t appreciate the encounter and shrieks out in pain.”

Tom Lehrer wrote a song about handholding. His lyrics are approximately these:

I hold your hand in mine, dear. I press it to my lips.

I take a gentle bite from your dainty fingertips.

My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here;

But still I keep your hand, as a precious souvenir.

I cried the night I cut it off. I really don’t know why.

Now every time I kiss it, I get bloodstains on my tie.

I’m sorry now I left you, for our love was something fine.

Until they come and get me, I will hold your hand in mine.

Style manuals say the numbers from 1 to 10 should be spelled out, and so should any number that begins a sentence. But I disagree. Since I’m a mathematician, I like digits more than words, so for most numbers I write digits. I dislike reading a sentence that includes both “eight” and “120,” because that inhibits me from easily comparing those two numbers; I’d write “8” for consistency and simpler comparison.

Digits have another advantage over words: digits are briefer to type (so they consume less time to type & read and waste less paper).

When skim-reading an article to find specific data, it’s helpful to look for digits, since I can find them faster than words.

The world is moving toward digits because the world is moving toward using computers & cellphones more. Those devices are oriented toward digits and encourage us to use digits more often in our lives. Digits are common in text messages, such as “we long 4U” and “love U 4ever” and “U are gr8!”

Here are exceptions. I write “one” when the sentence mentions no other numbers (such as “You’re the one for me”). I often write “zero” instead of “0” (which looks too much like the letter “O”). I spell out a number when I want to indicate the number should not be compared with sentence’s other numbers (which is why I wrote “two numbers” instead of “2 numbers” in the first paragraph).

Avoid beginning a sentence with digits. Rearrange that sentence to put the digits later. That’s because a sentence should begin with a capital letter, and because digits look strange after the previous sentence’s period, which looks too much like a decimal point.

Take a dollar bill out of your pocket. Try to put it on your book’s page so the dollar bill covers nothing interesting: the dollar bill covers no boldface, no italic, no underline, no photo, no artwork. That part of your book is visually boring. Your book has failed the dollar-bill test.

The dollar-bill test is used by designers of newspapers (such as The Wall Street Journal) and magazines, to make sure every part of every page is visually interesting.

That test should be used for books too! To pass the dollar-bill test, make every part of your book be visually interesting: use some sort of eye-catching font or photo or headline. If you fail the dollar-bill test, your writing is too “gray.” What’s the most important word in the paragraph? Boldface it or do something else to attract attention. Then when someone browses through the book to decide whether to buy it, the attention-getter will pop out, and the potential customer will say, “Yeah, that’s an interesting topic! Maybe I will buy the book!”

Here’s a short essay about your question:

“I wrote this answer real fast.”

That’s my essay. I wrote it in just a few seconds.

You were expecting a longer essay? That would take more time! To write an essay about everything wrong with the United States would take many years; and by the time it was finished, it would be already out of date.

Each time I try to write a new edition of my book, I do the best I can.

Academic writing (such as for a term paper or thesis) has many restrictive rules. But when writing for a more general audience, here’s practical advice.

If you’re writing about a fact that’s already written about in many places, don’t worry about using the same words as many other people already used.

If you’re writing about a fact that’s reported in just a few places, acknowledge where you found it, such as by saying “According to…” or
“For details, see…” or “As reported in….” If possible, reveal the Web address where you found it (or the newspaper’s date and page), plus the author’s name if given.

If you’re reporting on a fact that’s reported in just one place, or an opinion, be even more sure to acknowledge where your found it. If you’re copying several paragraphs, be even more sure to acknowledge. If you’re copying many paragraphs in a row, try to get permission to reprint, if possible.

Copying a few paragraphs is okay if acknowledged and not the whole article; that’s called “fair use.” If you’re reporting just on crap that’s all over the Internet and you can’t easily find out who said it first, just say “According to the Internet.”

That’s my advice is for general writing. For academic writing instead, your professor probably requires footnotes.

You could say just 2 words: “I forgot.” To be slightly more polite, you could say 3 words: “I forgot. Sorry.” That 3-word answer is what the average American kid would say.

You could be dramatic: “When I was getting ready to come to school, the dog was biting my leg, my mom was telling me to finish eating my breakfast or she’d kill me, the school bus was honking me to hurry the fuck up, and my dad was ready to punch me, so in the middle of all that confusion I forgot to put the book in my backpack. Sorry.”

“A headache is only as bad as you feel at the moment. It will probably go away. As my doctor said: take 2 jokes and call me in the morning.”

“I had trouble performing sex with my wife, so I bravely suggested she try my brother instead.”

Hey, Dad!

Sorry I murdered my bro because he said I was gay. I left the crime scene and got a free ride to jail, but look at the bright side: you still got one son alive!

If you’re a Democrat, say “English is the world’s most important language because it’s spoken by the world’s biggest asshole, Donald Trump.” Republicans disagree.

English dialects

Roads

roads meeting in a circle                        39% traffic circle,  24% roundabout, 13% rotary, 9% circle

big road for fast driving, general term   57% highway,       12% freeway, 5% expressway

small road parallel to the highway         30% service road, 29% frontage road, 18% access road

diagonally across at intersection            50% kitty-corner,  30% catty-corner

Food

long sandwich containing cold cuts       77% sub,                7% hoagie, 5% hero, 3% grinder

end of a bread loaf                                59% heel,              17% end, 15% crust, 4% butt

Drinks

sweetened carbonated drink, generic term 53% soda,             25% pop, 12% coke, 6% soft drink

thing to drink water from in school        61% water fountain, 33% drinking fountain, 4% bubbler

Animals

flying insect whose rear glows in the dark  30% firefly,           29% lightning bug

insect that skitters across the top of water 46% water bug,     14% water strider, 6% water spider, 4% skimmer

miniature lobster in lakes & streams      39% crawfish,       32% crayfish, 19% crawdad

Shopping

wheeled grocery-carrier in supermarket 77% shopping cart,  14% grocery cart, 4% buggy

paper container to carry groceries home 90% bag,               8% sack

food bought at restaurant to eat at home 71% take-out,        6% carry-out

Home

where you throw unwanted things         36% trash can,      27% garbage can

sale of unwanted items from your home 52% garage sale,   36% yard sale, 4% tag sale, 3% rummage sale

what you called your mother’s mother   51% grandma,       6% nana, 5% grandmother

big clumps of dust under furniture        72% dust bunnies, 21% dust balls

shorten the lawn’s grass                        67% mow the lawn,  18% cut the grass, 6% mow the grass

covering a house’s front with toilet paper 58% TP’ing,          21% toilet papering, 7% rolling, 4% papering

Body

when you’re cold, points of skin on arms 90% goose bumps,  7% goose pimples

when walking, feet point outwards        29% duck-footed,  26% bowlegged, 5% splay-footed, 3% toed out

what women use for tying their hair      32% rubber band, 19% hair tie, 15% hair thing, 12% elastic

rubber-soled shoes in gym, general term   46% sneakers,       41% tennis shoes, 6% gym shoes

School

easy course                                           37% blow-off,       15% gut, 5% crip course

what you do with finished homework    76% hand in homework,  3% pass in homework

Other

address a group of people                     43% you guys,      25% you, 14% y’all, 13% you all

rain falling while the sun shines            34% a sun shower,  6% the devil is beating his wife

Word

coupon    67% coo pon, 31% cyoo pon

crayon     49% cray ahn, 35% cray awn, 14% cran

mayonnaise 46% may uh naze, 42% man aze

almond    60% all mond, 19% ah mond

et cetera    65% et set er a,  15% ek set er a, 12% et set ra

realtor      44% reel ter,       32% reel uh ter, 20% ree ul ter

really       53% ree ly,     26% ril ly

syrup       50% sir up,     34% sih rup, 13% sear up

“z” versus “s”

“z” in “citizen”         69% z ,     30% s

“s” in “chromosome” 43% z ,     36% s

“sp” in “thespian”    79% sp,      9% zb

“s” versus “sh”

“s” in “nursery”       88% s,      11% sh

“c” in “grocery”       52% s,      45% sh

Drop consonant

“sk” in “asterisk”     61% sk,    29% k

“qu” in “quarter”      62% kw,   30% k

“nd” in “candidate”  50% nd,   24% n

Vowel

“ou” in “route”         30% oo (as in “hoot”)

                                20% ou (as in “out”)

“au” in “aunt”          75% a (as in “ant”)

                                10% ah

2^nd “a” in “pajamas” 52% a (as in “father”)

                                46% a (as in “jam”)

“ie” in “handkerchief” 78% i (as in “sit”)

                                20% ee (as in “see”)

“ee” in “been”         65% i (as in “sit”)

                                29% e (as in “set”)

“o” in “Florida”        73% o (as in “sore”)

                                11% ah

Emphasis (on which syllable?)

“cream cheese”         56% CREAM cheese

                                25% cream CHEESE

“pecan”                    29% pee KAHN

                                21% pick AHN

                                17% PEE can

                                13% PEE kahn

http://dialectsurvey.wordpress.com

NyTimes.com/interactive/2013/12/20/sunday-review/dialect-quiz-map.html

http://mightymarkup.wordpress.com/2014/01/01/in-the-news-american-dialects

A true Southerner says “y’all” only when talking to a group, not to an individual. If you watch a TV movie that’s supposed to take place in the South but one of the actors says “y’all” to another actor, you know that the actors and scriptwriter are all damn Yankees.

English                                         Texan

Can I help you?                              Kin ah hep you?

Would you like some chicken?        Kin ah hep you to some chicken?

Can I drive you home?                   Kin ah carry you home?

Come again!                                   Y’all come back now, heah?

I live in rural Texas.                        Ah live in rule Texiz.

I’m in the oil business.                    Ah’m in the awl bidness.

I need some cash.                           Ah need some cash money.

I want to chat with you on the phone.    Ah need ta visit with you on the phone.

That makes no difference.               That makes no nevermind, anyhow anyway.

Maybe I could do that.                    Ah might could do that.

I swear.                                           Ah swan.

I swear I’ll do it.                             Ah’ll do it, ah swan!

Amazing! He killed it!                    Ah swan, he killed it!

We had a drought.                          We had a drouth.

The milk’s gone bad.                       The milk’s gone blinky.

I knocked over a bucket of fresh milk.   Ah tumped over sweet milk.

I threw rocks at the squirrels.          Ah chunked rocks at the squirrels.

Let’s fight over the wishbone.         Let’s fight over the pulley-bone.

He’s my father.                               He’s mah fatha.

She told him her complaints.           She told him right off how it was.

She divorced him.                          She gave him the gate.

They got divorced.                          They split the sheets.

Ordinary English:                 Yes, I can do it.

Kentuckian pronunciation:    Yes, ah kin do it.

Ordinary English:                 No, I can’t do it.

Kentuckian pronunciation:    No, ah can do it.

Instead of saying “the,” Brooklynites say “duh.”

Instead of saying “girl,” Brooklynites say “goil.”

I have a goil named Goity.

She really is a boid!

She lives on toity-second,

Right next to toity-toid!

                               American    British

“or” becomes “our” harbor            harbour

                                humor            humour

                                color              colour

                                neighbor        neighbour

                                flavor             flavour

                                favor              favour

                                favorite          favourite

                                demeanor       demeanour

                                misdemeanor  misdemeanour

“er” becomes “re”  center             centre

                                liter                litre

                                kilometer        kilometre

                                theater            theatre

“ed” becomes “t”   spelled            spelt

                                you learned    you learnt

add “ue”                  catalog           catalogue

                               check             cheque

“z” becomes “s”     realize            realise

                               organization   organisation

“s” becomes “c”     defense           defence

                                license            licence

“c” becomes “s”     to practice      to practise

“i” becomes “y”      car tire           car tyre

“a” becomes “y”     pajamas          pyjamas

“a” becomes “e”     gray               grey

“e” becomes “ae”   encyclopedia  encyclopaedia

more before suffix  canceled         cancelled

                                canceling        cancelling

                                traveling         travelling

                                traveler           traveller

                                aging              ageing

bigger changes       program            programme

                                maneuver       manoeuvre

                American          British

Buildings apartment             flat

                roommate             flatmate

                elevator                lift

                store                     shop

                thrift store             charity shop

                drugstore              chemist’s

                liquor store           off-license

                sink                      washbasin

                faucet                   tap

                bathtub                bath

                bathroom              loo

                restroom               toilet

                public restroom     public lavatory

                toilet paper           bod roll

                couch                   sofa

                drapes                   curtains

                closet                    wardrobe

                first floor              ground floor

                second floor          first floor

                4-story building    4-storey building

                4 stories                4 storeys

                phone booth         phone box

                front desk             reception

                checkroom           cloakroom

                yard                     garden

                yard sale               jumble sale

                open house           open day

                realtor                   estate agent

Food        candy                   sweets

                candy store           sweet shop

                cotton candy         candy floss

                cookie                  biscuit

                cupcake                fairy cake

                lollipop                 lolly

                Popsicle             ice lolly

                pie                        tart

                fruit pie                 flan

                Jell-O                    jelly

                jelly                      jam

                French toast          eggy bread

                French fries           chips

                potato chips          crisps

                corn                      maize

                bacon slice            rasher

                eggplant               aubergine

                soy milk               soya

                soda pop               fizzy drink

                beet                      beetroot

                green onions         spring onions

                cilantro                 coriander

                arugula                 rocket

                appetizer               entrée

                meal                     tea

                dessert                  pudding

                bag lunch              packed lunch

                takeout                 takeaway

Kitchen    stove                     cooker

                silverware             cutlery

                pitcher                  jug

                can                       tin

                plastic wrap          cling film

                dish towel             tea towel

Garbage  garbage                rubbish

                trashcan                dustbin

                garbage man         dustman

Clothes    pants                     trousers

                underpants/panties knickers (or pants)

                undershirt             vest

                vest                       waistcoat

                overalls                 dungarees

                suspenders            braces

                sweater                 jumper

                raincoat                Mackintosh

                bathing suit           swimming costume

                bathrobe               dressing gown

                uniform                kit

                diaper                   nappy

                zipper                   zip

                fanny pack            bumbag

                purse                    handbag

                clothespin             clothes peg

Shoes      sneakers                trainers

                Gym shoes            plimsolls

                rainboots              Wellington boots

Tools       flashlight              torch

                wrench                 spanner

                cell phone             mobile phone

                eraser                   rubber

                Scotch tape           sellotape

                thumbtack             drawing pin

                Band-Aid              plaster

                pacifier for baby   dummy for baby

                counterclockwise  anticlockwise

Vehicles  airplane                aeoroplane

                motorcycle           motorbike

                truck                     lorry

                station wagon       estate car

                trailer                    caravan

                fire truck              fire engine

                fire department     fire brigade

                cab                       taxi

                subway                 underground

                shopping cart        trolley

                baby carriage        pram

                stroller                  pushchair

                rent a car               hire a car

                one-way ticket      single ticket

                round-trip ticket    return ticket

                baggage                luggage

Car parts windshield            windscreen

                hood                     bonnet

                trunk                    boot

                blinkers                indicators

                motor                   engine

                gasoline                petrol

                driver’s license      driving licence

Roads      parking lot            car park

                crosswalk              zebra crossing

                traffic circle          roundabout

                intersection           crossroads

                overpass               flyover

                detour                   diversion

                main street            high street

                highway               motorway

                downtown             city centre

                sidewalk               pavement

                pavement              road surface

                railroad                 railway

Mail         mail                      post

                mailbox                postbox

                mailman               postman

                ZIP code               postcode

                package                parcel

School     elementary school primary school

                high school           secondary school

                private school       public school

                principal               headmaster

                faculty                  academic staff

                teacher’s lounge    staff room

                schedule               timetable

                math                     maths

                recess                    break time

                grade you got        mark you got

                freshman              fresher

                sophomore           second-year student

                proctor                 invigilate

People     girl                       lass

                mom                     mum

                janitor                   caretaker

                plumber                engineer

                Santa Claus           Father Christmas

                fire an employee   sack an employee

                hair bangs             hair fringe

                last name              surname

                crazy                    mad

                mad                      angry

                busy                     engaged

                drunk                   pissed

                résumé                  curriculum vitae

                personal                private

                journal                  diary

Money     sales tax                VAT

                bank teller             bank cashier

                restaurant check    restaurant bill

                expensive             dear

                allowance             pocket money

Nature     ladybug                ladybird

                fall                        autumn

Games     soccer                   football

                playing field         pitch

                tic-tac-toe             noughts and crosses

                checkers               draughts

                Chutes and Ladders Snakes and Ladders

                your score is zero  your score is nil

Fun          TV                        telly

                vacation                holiday

                movie                   film

                movie theater        cinema

                stand in a line        stand in a queue

                liquor store           off-licence

                pet peeve              pet hate

Symbols  period                   full stop

                parentheses           round brackets

                brackets                square brackets

                braces                   curly brackets

                the letter “zee”      the letter “zed”

In the word “schedule,” the first syllable is pronounced “sked” by Americans, “shed” by the British.

In the word “adult,” Americans say the second syllable loudest
(“a DULT”), while the British say the first syllable loudest
(“AD ult”).

In the word “protester,” Americans say the first syllable loudest
(“PRO test er”), while the British say the second syllable loudest
(“pro TEST er”).

In the word “advertisement,” Americans say the first syllable loudest and pronounce the third syllable like the word “ties” (“AD ver ties ment”), while the British say the second syllable loudest and pronounce the third syllable like the word “is” (“ad VERT is ment”).

In  the word “methane,” Americans pronounce “me” like the “me” in “met” & “meth” (“METH ane”), while the British pronounce “me” like the word “me” (“ME thane”).

In the word “patent,” Americans pronounce the first syllable like the word “pat” (“PAT tent”), while the British pronounce the first syllable like the word “pay” (“PAY tent”).

angmohdan.com/22-words-with-british-and-american-pronunciations-that-may-confuse-you

British                               sounds somewhat like these letters

pity                                      PT

city                                       CT

titty                                       TT

Hello.                                   LO

Are you busy?                     RUBC

Yes, we are busy.                  SVRBC

Have you any eggs?             FUNEX

Yes, we have eggs.                SVFX

Have you any ham?              FUNEM

We haven’t any ham.             VFN 10 EM

Hey! We have ham!              AVFM

Ah!                                      R

Oh!                                      O

See the ham!                        CDM

Oh, yes. We have ham.          OSVFM

Okay, ham and eggs!            OKMNX

Have you any tea?                FUNET

One tea?                               1 T

One tea!                               1 T

Okay, ham, eggs, and tea.      OKMXNT

Ham, eggs, and tea for one!  MXNT 4 1

We haven’t any eggs!            VFN 10 EX

You said you have eggs!        UZUFX

Why haven’t you any eggs?  YFNUNEX

I have eaten them.                 IFE 10 M

YouTube.com/watch?v=cc3M1nppd3c

                American    Australian

Food        French fries    hot chips      (same as British)

                cookie            biscuit         (same as British)

                bell pepper     capsicum

Travel      gasoline          petrol          (same as British)

                sidewalk         footpath

Clothing  flipflops         thongs

                rainboots        gumboots

                swimsuit         swimmers    (Melbourne “togs”, Sydney “cozzie”)

Other       hair bangs       hair fringe   (same as British)

                liquor store     bottle-o

Traditional English            Australian slang

Australian                                “Aussie” (pronounced “Ozzie”)

Australia                                  “the Lucky Country”

the barbecue                             “the barbie”

breakfast                                  “brekkie”

vegetables                                “vedgies”

mushrooms                              “mushies”

chocolate                                 “chokkie”

sweets, such as lollipops          “lollies”

chewing gum                           “chewie”

cigarette that you roll yourself  “rollie”

chicken parmesan                     Melbourne:              “parma”

                                                Sydney & Adelaide: “parmy”

beer                                         “coldie”

short beer bottle (375 ml)         “stubby”

tall beer bottle (750 ml)            “tallie”

beer can (or aluminum boat)     “tinny”

lipstick                                     “lippy”

sunglasses                                “sunnies”

track suit                                  “trackies”

underwear                                “grundies”

costume for swimming             “cozzie”

hot-water bottle                        “hottie”

truck driver                              “truckie”

brick layer                                “brickie”

carpenter                                  “chippie”

electrician                                “sparky”

tradesman                                “tradie”

postman                                “postie”

firefighters                               “firies”

politician                                  “polly”

environmentalist                      “greenie”

successful people                     “tall poppies”

person living in the Bush          “bushie”

people who surf, not work        “surfies”

barely clothed bar staff             “skimpy”

nude                                        “in the nuddy”

have sex                                   “have a naughty”

behaving too manly                  “blokey”

feeling maternal, like a hen       “clucky”

a present                                  “a prezzy”

instant lottery ticket                  “scratchy”

Christmas                                 “Chrissie”

St. Vincent thrift store or hostel “Vinnie’s”

very                                         “bloody”

expensive                                 “exy”

something big                          “doozey”

biscuit                                      “bikkie”

it was expensive                       “it cost big bikkies”

take a day off because sick        “throw a sickie”

take a day off, pretending sick  “chuck a sickie”

make a U-turn when driving     “chuck a yewy”

football (soccer or rugby)         “footy”

position (seat in a stadium)       “pozzy”

my parents                               “my oldies”

a family relative                       “a rellie”

kindergarten                             “kindie”

university                                 “uni”

biting insects                            “bities”

mosquito                                  “mossie”

cockroach, cockatoo, or farmer “cockie”

in a bad mood                          “cranky”

get very upset                           “spit the dummy”

go mad                                     “throw a wobbly”

      1920          1927          1932          1943   1949    1951   1956

A    Argentine    Amsterdam Amsterdam  Able     Alpha    Alpha   Alpha

B    Brussels    Baltimore    Baltimore    Baker    Beta      Bravo    Bravo

C    Canada        Canada        Casablanca  Charlie  Coca     Coca     Charlie

D    Damascus    Denmark     Denmark     Dog      Delta     Delta     Delta

E    Ecuador      Eddystone   Edison         Easy     Echo     Echo     Echo

F    France         Francisco    Florida        Fox       Foxtrot  Foxtrot Foxtrot

G    Greece         Gibraltar     Gallipoli      George  Golf      Gold     Golf

H    Hanover      Hanover      Havana        How     Hotel     Hotel    Hotel

I     Italy            Italy            Italia            Item      India     India     India

J     Japan           Jerusalem    Jerusalem    Jig        Julietta  Juliet     Juliet

K    Khartoum    Kimberley   Kilogram     King     Kilo      Kilo      Kilo

L    Lima           Liverpool    Liverpool    Love     Lima     Lima     Lima

M   Madrid        Madagascar Madagascar Mike     Metro    Metro   Mike

N    Nancy         Neufchatel  New York    Nan      Nectar   Nectar   November

O    Ostend         Ontario       Oslo            Oboe    Oscar    Oscar    Oscar

P    Paris            Portugal      Paris            Peter     Polka    Papa     Papa

Q    Quebec        Quebec       Quebec        Queen   Quebec Quebec Quebec

R    Rome          Rivoli          Roma          Roger   Romeo  Romeo  Romeo

S    Sardinia       Santiago      Santiago      Sugar    Sierra    Sierra    Sierra

T    Tokyo            Tokyo             Tripoli         Tare      Tango   Tango   Tango

U    Uruguay      Uruguay     Upsala         Uncle    Union   Union   Uniform

V    Victoria       Victoria       Valencia      Victor   Victor    Victor   Victor

W   Washington Washington Washington William Whisky Whisky Whisky

X    Xaintrie       Xanthippe   Xanthippe   X-ray    X-ray    eXtra    X-ray

Y    Yokohama   Yokohama  Yokohama   Yoke     Yankee  Yankee Yankee

Z    Zanzibar      Zululand     Zurich         Zebra    Zebra    Zulu     Zulu

Official instruction manuals write “Alfa” instead of “Alpha”

to remind foreign pilots to pronounce an “f” sound, not a “p” sound.

Official instruction manuals write “Juliett” instead of “Juliet”

to remind French pilots to pronounce the “t”.

wikipedia.org/wiki/NATO_phonetic_alphabet

Languages compared

What do you call somebody who speaks many languages?     “Multilingual”

What do you call somebody who speaks two languages?       “Bilingual”

What do you call somebody who speaks just one language?  “American”

I speak Spanish to God, Italian to women, French to men, and German to my horse.

Language    Native speakers Secondary speakers   Total

English           378 million              744 million                        1.12 billion

Chinese         909 million              198 million                        1.1   billion

Hindi              329 million              368 million                        697 million

Spanish          442 million                71 million                        513 million

Arabic            290 million              132 million                        422 million

French             77 million              208 million                        285 million

Malay              77 million              204 million                        281 million

Russian          154 million              110 million                        264 million

Bengali          243 million                19 million                        262 million

Portuguese    223 million                14 million                        237 million

Punjabi          148 million                  0 million                        148 million

German           76 million                56 million                        132 million

Japanese       128 million                  0 million                        128 million

Persian            60 million                50 million                        110 million

Swahili            16 million                82 million                          98 million

Javanese         84 million                  0 million                          84 million

Germanic languages (based on German)

English       yes       no        I am               we are              it is                the man           the woman   mom       dad      son          daughter

Dutch           ja          nee      ik ben           we zijn            het is            de man             de vrouw      mam       pa        zoon       dochter

Afrikaans     ja          geen    ek is              ons is               dit is              die man           die vrou       ma           pa         seun        dogter

German       ja          nein    ich bin           wir sind           es ist             der Mann        die Frau        Mama     Papa    Sohn       Tochter

Luxembourg  jo         nee       ech sinn       mir sinn           et ass             dë mann          fra                  mamm    papp    jong        duechter

Yiddish        yo        keyn    ikh bin          aunz zemir      es iz              der man           di froy          mam       tate      zun         tokhter

Swedish       ja          nej       jag är            vi är                 det är            mannen           kvinnan       mamma  papa    son          dotter

Norwegian   ja          nei       jeg er            vi er                 det er            mannen           kvinnen       mamma  papa    sønn       datter

Danish         ja          ingen  jeg er             vi er                 det er            manden           kvinden       mor         far        søn          datter

Icelandic      já          nei       ég er              við erum          það er           maðurinn        konan           mamma  pabbi   sonur      dóttir

Romance languages (based on Latin)

Spanish      sí          no        yo soy          estamos           es                   el hombre        la mujer        mamá     papa    hijo         hija

Portuguese   sim      não      eu sou          estamos           isto é             o homem         a mulher      mamãe   papai   filho       filha

Catalan        sí          no        jo sóc            nosaltres som és                   l’home             la dona         mare       pare     fill           filla

Italian          sì          no        sono             noi siamo        è                    l’uomo             la donna       mamma  papà    figlio      figlia

French         oui       non     je suis           nous sommes  c’est              l’homme          la femme      maman   papa    fils          fille

Haiti Creole wi         non      mwen se       nou se              li se               nonm nan        fanm lan      manman papa    li             pitit fil

Romanian    da         nu        eu sunt          noi suntem      este               omul                femeia          mama     tata      fiu           fiică

Latin            etiam   nihil    ego sum       sumus              est                 vir                    femina          mater      pater    filius       filia

Esperanto    jes        ne        mi estas        ni estas            ĝi estas         la viro              la virion       panjo      paĉjo   filo          filino

Slavic languages (near Slovakia)

Russian      da         net       ya                  my                    eto                 tot chelovek   zhenshchina mama     papa    syn          doch’

Ukrainian    tak       nemaye  ya ye             my                    tse ye            cholovik          zhinka          mama     papa    syn          dochka

Czech           ano      ne        jsem              my jsme           to je              muž                  žena              mami      tató      syn          dcera

Slovak          áno      nie       som               my sme            to je              muž                  žena              mama     otec     syn          dcéra

Croatian       da         ne        ja sam           mi smo             to je              čovjek             žena              mama     tata      sin           kći

Serbian         dan      ne        ja sam           mi smo             to je              čovek               žena              mama     tata      sin           ćerka

Polish           tak       nie       jestem          jesteśmy          to jest           ten człowiek   kobieta         mama     tata      syn          córka

Bulgarian    da         ne        az sŭm          nie sme            to e                mŭzhŭt            zhenata        mama     tatko    sin           dŭshterya

Baltic languages (near the Baltic sea)

Lithuanian  taip      ne        aš esu            mes esame      tai yra           vyras                moteris         mama     tėtis     sūnus      dukra

Latvian        jā          nē        es esmu        mēs esam        tas ir              vīrietis             sieviete        mamma  tētis     dēls         meita

Uralic languages (near the Ural mountains)

Estonian      jah       ei         ma olen        me oleme        see on           mees                 naine            ema         isa        poeg       tütar

Finnish         joo       ei         minä olen    me olemme     se on             mies                 nainen          äiti          isä        poika      tytär

Hungarian   igen     nem     én vagyok   mi vagyunk    ez                  a férfi               a nőt             anya       apu      fiú           lánya

Southern languages (south of most Europeans)

Arabic         neaam la         ’ana              nahn                ’anah            alrajul              almar’a         ’umi        ’ab       abn         aibnatu

Hebrew         ken      la         ani m            anhano m        m                   aaish                haisha           ama         aba       ben         bat

Swahili       ndiyo  hapana mimi             sisi ni               ni                   mwanaume     mwanamke  mama     baba    mwana   binti

Greek            naí       óchi    ego eimai     eímaste            eínai             o ántras            i gynaíka     mamá     bampás  yiós        kóri

Turkish         evet     hayır   ben                biz                    bu                  adam                kadın            anne       baba    oğul        kız evlat

Iranian languages (based in Iran)

Persian       belh     nh        men hestem ma hestam      aan asset      merd                 zen                maman   peder   aw           dekhetr

Kurdish        erê        na        ez im             em hene          ev e               meriv               jinê               dayik      bav      kur          keç

Indic languages (based in India)

Hindi           haan    nahin  main hoon   ham hain         yah hai         aadamee          mahila          maan      pita      beta        betee

Bengali       hām̐     nā        āmi                āmarā               ē’iṭā              mānuṣaṭi         mahilāṭi       mā           bābā    putra       kan’yā

Punjabi       hāṁ     nahīṁ maiṁ hāṁ   asīṁ hāṁ        iha hai          ādamī               aurata           mamī      ḍaiḍī    putara nū  dhī

Marathi        hōya    nāhī     mī āhī           āmhī āhota      hē āhē           māṇūsa            strī                 ā’ī           bābā    mulagā   mulagī

Austronesian languages (near Australia)

Malay          ya         tidak   saya adalah kami adalah    ia adalah      lelaki itu          wanita          ibu          ayah    beliau     anak perempuan

Javanese    ya         ora       kula              kita                   iku                wong                wong wedok   ibu          bapak  putra       putri

Filipino        oo        hindi   ako ay          tayo ay             it ay              ang lalaki        ang babae    ina          ama      anak       anak na babae

East Asian languages (near China)

Chinese      shì        méiyŏu  wŏ shì          wŏmen shì      tā shì             nánrén             nǚrén            māmā     bà        érzi         nǚ’er

Japanese    hai       īe         watashi        watashitachide  soreha          sono otoko     sono on’na  mama     papa    musuko  musume

Korean         ye         ani       naneun         ulineun            geugeos-eun   geu namja       yeoja            eomma   appa    adeul      ttal

Vietnamese vâng    không tôi là             chúng tôi là     nó là             người đàn ông   người phụ nữ mẹ          cha      con trai  con gái

Germanic languages (based on German)

English       eat              cow        fish            rice         water   house    white      red             blue           black      day     year     and   if

Dutch           eten            koe        vis              rijst         water   huis       wit          rood          blauw        zwart      dag     jaar      en     als

Afrikaans     eet              koei       vis              rys           water   huis       wit          rooi            blou           swart       dag     jaar      en     indien

German       essen          Kuh       Fisch         Reis        Wasser Haus      weiß       rot              blau           schwarz  Tag     Jahr      und   wenn

Luxembourg  iessen        kéi         fësch          reis          waasser  haus       wäiss      rout            blo             schwaarz   dag     joer      an     wann

Yiddish        esn             ku          fish            rayz        vaser    hoyz      vays        royt            bloy           shvarts   tog      yor       aun   az

Swedish       äta              ko          fisk            ris            vatten  hus         vit           röd             blå             svart       dag     år          och   om

Norwegian   spise          ku          fisk            ris            vann    hus         hvit         rød             blå             svart       dag     år          og     hvis

Danish         spise          ko          fisk            ris            vand    hus         hvid       rød             blå             sort         dag     år          og     hvis

Icelandic      borða         kýr         fiskur         hrísgrjón   vatn     hús         hvítur     rautt           blár            svartur    dagur ár         og     ef

Romance languages (based on Latin)

Spanish      comer        vaca       pescado    arroz       agua    casa       blanco    rojo            azul            negro      día      año      y       si

Portuguese   comer        vaca       peixe         arroz       agua    casa       branco    vermelho  azul            preto       dia      ano      e        se

Catalan        menjar       vaca       peix           arròs       aigua   casa       blanc      vermell     blau           negre      dia      curs      i        si

Italian          mangiare   mucca    pesce         riso         acqua  casa       bianca    rosso         blu             nero        giorno anno    e        se

French         manger      vache    poisson     riz           eau      maison  blanc      rouge        bleu           noir         jour    année  et      si

Haiti Creole manje        bèf         pwason     diri          dlo       kay        blan        wouj          ble              nwa         jou      ane       ak     si

Romanian    mânca        vacă       peşte          orez        apă       casă       alb          roşu           albastru     negru      zi        an         și       dacă

Latin            manducare   vacca     piscis         oryza      aqua    domum album     rubrum      caeruleum nigreos   dies    annus  et      si

Esperanto    manĝi        bovino  fiŝo            rizo         akvo    domo     blanka    ruĝa           blua           nigra       tago    jaro      kaj    se

Slavic languages (near Slovakia)

Russian      yest’          korova  ryba           ris            vody    dom       belyy      krasnyy     siniy          chernyy den’    god      i        yesli

Ukrainian    yisti           korova  ryba           rys           voda    budynok  bilyy      chervonyy syniy         chornyy den’    rik        i        yakshcho

Czech           jíst              kráva     ryba           rýže        voda    dům       bílý         červené     modrý        černá      den     rok       a        jestli

Slovak          jest’            krava     ryby           ryža        voda    dom       biely       červená     modrá        čierna     deň     rok       a        ak

Croatian       jesti            krava     riba            riža         voda    kuća      bijeli      crveni        plava         crni         dan     godina i        ako

Serbian         jesti            krava     riba            pirinač   voda    kuća      beo         crveni        plavi          crn          dan     godine i        ako

Polish           jeść            krowa    ryba           ryż          woda   dom       białi       czerwony  niebieski   czarny    dzień  rok       i        jeśli

Bulgarian    yazhte       krava     riba            oriz         voda    kŭshta   byal        cherven     sin              cherno    den     godina i        ako

Baltic languages (near the Baltic sea)

Lithuanian  valgyti      karvė     žuvis         ryžiai      vanduo  namas    balta       raudona     mėlynas    juoda      diena  metai   ir       jei

Latvian        ēst              govs      zivis          rīsi          ūdens  māja      balts       sarkans      zils             melns     diena  gads     un     ja

Uralic languages (near the Ural mountains)

Estonian      sööma        lehm      kala           riis          vesi      maja      valge      punane      sinine        must       päev   aastas  ja      kui

Finnish         syödä         lehmä    kala           riisi         vesi      talo        valkoinen punainen  sininen      musta     päivä  vuosi   ja      jos

Hungarian   eszik          tehén     hal             rizs          víz       ház         fehér       piros          kék             fekete     nap     év         és      ha

Southern languages (south of most Europeans)

Arabic          takul          baqara   smak          ’arz         ma’an  manzil   ’abyad    ’ahmar       ’azraq        ’aswad    yawm eam      w      ’iidha

Hebrew         achol         para       dag            orez        mayeem bayeet lavan      adom         kachol       shachor  yom     shna     v’      am

Swahili       kula           ng’ombe  samaki       mchele   maji     nyumba nyeupe   nyekundu bluu           nyeusi    siku    mwaka   na     kama

Greek            tróo            ageláda psári          rýzi         neró     spíti       aspró      kókkino    ble             mávros   iméra  étos      kai    an

Turkish         yemek       inek       balık          pirinç     su         ev           beyaz     kırmızı      mavi          siyah      gün     yıl        ve     eğer

Iranian languages (based in Iran)

Persian       khewredn  guaw     maha         bernej     ab         khanh    sefad       serkh         aba             saah        rewz   sal        w       agur

Kurdish        xwarin       çêlek     masî           birinc     av         xanî       spî           sor              şîn              reş           roj       sal        û       ger

Indic languages (based in India)

Hindi           khaana      gaay      machhalee chaaval  paanee makaan saphed    laal            neela         kaalee    din      saal      aur    yadi

Bengali       khā'ōẏā     gābhī     mācha       dhāna     pāni     gr̥ha       sādā        lāla            nīla            kālō        dina    bachara  ēbaṁ   yadi

Punjabi       khāṇā khā'ō ga’ū       machī        cāvala    pāṇī     ghara     saphaida lāla             nīlā            kālā        dina    sāla      atē    jē

Marathi        khā             gāya      māsā          tāndūḷa  pāṇī     ghara     pāṇḍharā  lāla             niḷā            kāḷā        divasa varṣa   āṇi    tara

Austronesian languages (near Australia)

Malay          makan       lembu    ikan           beras       air        rumah    putih      merah        biru            hitam      hari     tahun   dan   jika

Javanese    mangan     sapi        iwak          gabah     banyu  omah     putih      abang        biru            ireng       dina    taun     lan    yen

Filipino        kumain      baka      isda            kanin      tubig   bahay    puti         pula           asul            itim         araw   taon     at      kung

East Asian languages (near China)

Chinese      chī              niú         yú              báifàn     shuĭ     wū          báisè       hóng         lán             hēi          tiān     nián     hé     rúguŏ

Japanese    taberu        ushi       sakana       gohan     mizu    le            shiro       aka            ao               kuro        hi        toshi    soshite   moshi

Korean         meogda     so           mulgogi    ssal         mul      jib          hwaiteu  ppalgan    puleun      geom-eun il         nyeon gwa   man-yag

Vietnamese ǎn               con bò   cá               nước       cơm     nhà ở     trắng       đỏ              xanh          đen         ngày   nǎm     và     nếu

“Ashkenazi” pronunciation is popular in northern Europe and New York City.

“Sephardi” pronunciation is popular in Spain and Africa.

“Modern” pronunciation is a compromise spoken in Israel.

easiest is Norwegian, then come Dutch, Indonesian, Italian, and Afrikaans

YouTube.com/watch?v=jXfj5BKdZCA

German

Instead of saying “when you eat tuna,” Germans say, “when you tuna eat” — because Germans put the verb (“eat”) at the end of the clause, whenever you have a subordinate clause (a clause that begins with a word such as “when” or “if”).

Germans love to invent long adjectives. Instead of saying “the man who loves dogs,” Germans say “the dog-loving man.”

Germans move the verb to the subordinate clause’s end, even if the clause is long.

Germans create adjectives long enough to contain most of the sentence!

In the day-before-yesterday-shortly-after-eleven-o’clock night, the
in-this-town-standing tavern called “The Wagoner” was down-burnt.
When the fire to the on-the-downburninghouse-resting stork’s nest reached, flew the parent storks away. But when the by-the-raging-fire-surrounded nest itself caught fire, straightway plunged the quick-returning mother stork into the flames and died, her wings over her young ones outspread.

Spanish

a is pronounced like the “a”  in “mama” or “father” or “ah!”

e is pronounced like the “é”  in “café”

i  is pronounced like the “i”   in “machine” or “police” (or the “ee” in “see”)

o is pronounced like the “o”  in “go” or “no” or “oh!”

u is pronounced like the “u”  in “rule” or “flute” (or the “oo” in “moo”)

After “q” or “g”, u is silent, unless it has two dots over it (ü), in which case it’s pronounced like the English “w.”

taco, burrito, mosquito, no, la, salsa, olé, padre, madre, mesa, tequila, Santa Fe

When saying l, make your tongue touch your mouth’s roof just near your teeth (like the “l” in “leaf” or “leak”), not farther back.

When saying k or p or t, don’t put a puff of air afterwards. When saying the t, say it softly and make your tongue touch the teeth (instead of your mouth’s roof).

Say b lazily (without quite closing your lips) if b comes immediately after a vowel sound (even if the vowel is at the end of the previous word). The lazy b sounds roughly like the English “v.”

When saying d, make your tongue touch your teeth (instead of your mouth’s roof). When you see d immediately after a vowel sound (even if the vowel’s at the end of the previous word), make the d sound like the “th” in “then,” softly (so you can barely hear it).

When you see m at a word’s end, say “n” instead of “m.”

When n comes before p, b, f, v, or m, say “m” instead of “n”. When n comes before g, j, k, or w, say the “ng” in “sing.”

In northern and central Spain, s is pronounced like the “th” in “thin.”

In the Caribbean, when s comes before another consonant, people are too lazy to say the s: the s is silent or pronounced as an “h.”

In the River Plate area (which is on the Argentina-Uruguay border), y is pronounced like the “sh” in “she” or the “s” in “vision.”

Pronounce z the same as the Spanish s.

Pronounce v the same as the Spanish b.

Pronounce the pair ll the same as the Spanish y.

Pronounce c the same as the Spanish k usually; but before e or i, pronounce c the same as the Spanish s. So pronounce cc (which comes before e or i) the same as a Spanish k followed by a Spanish s.

Don’t pronounce h: it’s silent! So when you see an h, ignore it. Don’t even pause! Exception: pronounce ch like the “ch” in “cheese.”

Pronounce j like the “h” in “hot.” Exception: in northern Spain, it’s pronounced by gargling (like the Scottish “ch” in “loch” or the German “ch” in “ich” and “Bach”). To practice j, say these Spanish words, which you probably know already: jalapeño, Jose.

Pronounce g like the “g” in “go” usually; but before e or i, pronounce g the same as the Spanish j.

Usually pronounce r as between “t” and “d”. Better yet, pronounce r as between the “tt” in “butter” and the “dd” in “ladder”. Better yet, pronounce r as a Brooklyn “th” (because in Brooklyn, “the” is pronounced “duh” or, more precisely, halfway between “duh” and “tuh”). To practice that r, say this Spanish word: para. Exception: pronounce r instead like a long Scottish rolled “r” (trill) when the r is at the word’s beginning or comes after l, n, or s or is written rr.

Pronounce x like “ks” usually. At a word’s beginning or before a consonant, pronounce it like “s”. Exception: pronounce it like “s” in exacto and auxilio. More exceptions: in names invented by Central America natives (such as Xola, Xela, and México), pronounce it like “sh” at a name’s beginning, “h” at other parts of the name.

taco, burrito, mosquito, salsa, padre, madre, mesa, tequila, santa

español, usted, mujer, favor, azul, pedal, felicidad, actualidad

A vowel pair counts as 2 syllables if both vowels are strong; otherwise, the vowel pair counts as just 1 syllable. Combine that rule with the stress rules above, to decide which syllable to stress.

When two weak vowels are next to each other, put more stress on the second vowel. When a weak vowel is next to a strong vowel, put more stress on the strong vowel.

Bizarro does not mean “bizarre”; it means “gallant.”

Insano can mean “insane” but sometimes means just “unhealthy.”

Bravo   can mean “brave” but sometimes means “wild,” “spicy” or “angry.”

Hewlett-Packard invited Hispanics to a special demonstration of
Hewlett-Packard equipment and gave each attendee a badge, showing the person’s name and the letters “HP,” which stands for “Hewlett-Packard.” Hewlett-Packard didn’t realize that in Spanish, HP is the standard abbreviation for hijo puta, which is short for hijo de puta, which means “son of a prostitute,” which is the Spanish equivalent of the American expression “son of a bitch.” My friend Miguel got insulted when Hewlett-Packard gave him a badge saying, in effect, that Miguel was a “son of a bitch.”

Coca-Cola’s ads, which showed wild teenagers drinking Coke at the beach, annoyed Hispanics, who prefer to drink Coke somberly in the kitchen or the dining room, as if it were iced tea or wine. Coke’s executives finally wised up and switched to Spanish ads showing Hispanics drinking Coke as the perfect complement to a wonderful meal.

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. When they communicate with each other, they speak in code language just they & experts understand.

3. Every mistake you make is stored in their long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck accessorizing it.

1. To get their attention, you must turn them on.

2. They have lots of data but still can’t think for themselves.

3. They’re supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you’d waited a little longer, you could’ve gotten a better model.

In most of Latin America, computers are feminine: la computadora.

In parts of Columbia & Chile, computers are masculine: el computador.

In Spain, which is influenced by its neighbors (the French) instead of by U.S. English, a computer is viewed the French way and called “the organizer,” “the orderer”: el ordenador.

A male programmer is el programador. A female programmer is
la programadora. A male “computer expert” is sometimes given the same name as a computer: el computador or el ordenador.

French

Meal (old France)  Meal’s time

déjeuner                    breakfast time (because “déjeuner” means “begin day”)

dîner                           lunchtime (because biggest meal of the day, to dine!)

souper                        suppertime

Meal (new France) Meal’s time

déjeuner                     lunchtime (because that’s when day’s main part begins)

dîner                           suppertime (because biggest meal of the day, to dine!)

souper                        late at night, after-theater snack

blues, country, folk, gospel, jazz, pop, rock, slow, soul

boots, fashion-victim, pullover, shoes, tee-shirt, trench-coat

bacon, cake, chewing-gum, chips, cocktail, cookie, hotdog, pudding, roast-beef, sandwich, toast, whiskey

baby-boom, baby-sitter, best-seller, bike, biker, blazer, body-building, boss, boy-scout, brainstorming, building, camping, compact disk, cockpit, cowboy, cozy, crash, dancing, drugstore, DVD, e-mail, engineering, film, flash, flashback, gangster, high-tech, hippie, hobby, holdup, job, kidnapper, kitchenette, lad, lobby, loser, marketing, music-hall, nightclub, nurse, okay, parking, pickup, pinup, poster, punk, revolver, scan, scanner, script, self-made-man, self-service, sex-appeal, sexy, shopping, slogan, snack-bar, snowboard, sofa, steward, stop, surf, teenager, ticket, top, tuner, up-to-date, wagon, web, weekend

Darling, je vous aime beaucoup.

Je ne sais pas what to do!

One fine winter evening, an American girl had a date with her French lover. When she opened her door to let him in, he burst in and exclaimed,
“Je t’adore!” (which means “I adore you!” and practically means “Will you marry me?”)

He eagerly awaited her reply. But since she didn’t know French, she thought he said “Shut da door.” So she replied: “I don’t feel a draft.”

Moral: if you don’t know French, you’ll miss lovely opportunities!

Japanese

English         Japanese                             English         Japanese

apple pie         appuru pai                              glass               garasu

basketball       basuketto bōru                       handkerchief  hankachi

beefsteak        bifuteki                                   ice cream        aisu kuriimu

beer                biiru                                        missile            misairu

cabin              kabin                                       necktie           nekutai

can                 kan                                          postbox          posuto

coat                kōto                                        raincoat          rein-kōto

coffee             kōhii                                        sandwich        sandoitchi

deck               dekki                                       spoon             spūn

democracy     demokurashii                          sports             spōtsu

demonstration demonsuturēshon                   stocking      sutokkingu

department     depāto                                    table               tēburu

dessert            dezāto                                     tennis court    tenisu kōto

escalator         esukarētā                                truck              torakku

flashbulb        furasshu barubu                     typewriter       taipuraitā

Rule                    Example

h becomes b          “person” is hito             “people”         is hito-bito

k becomes g          “god”      is kami           “gods”            is kami-gami

t becomes d           “time”     is toki             “sometimes”   is toki-doki

f becomes b          “joint”     is fushi           “every joint”   is fushi-bushi

s becomes z          “that”      is sore            “every”          is sore-zore

sh becomes j         “island”   is shima         “islands”         is shima-jima

ts becomes z         “month”  is tsuki           “every month” is tsuki-zuki

Chinese

q    is pronounced like the “ch” in “cheese”

x    is pronounced like the “sh” in “she”

c     is pronounced like the “ts”  in “nuts”

z     is pronounced like the “dz” in “gadzooks”

zh   is pronounced like the “j”   in “jump”

To say y and w, open your mouth more than in English, so the y sounds almost like the ee in “see,” and the w sounds almost like the “oo” in “moo.”

For h, g, and k, arch the back of your tongue toward your mouth’s roof (so h sounds like the Scottish “ch” in “loch” or the German “ch” in “ich” and “Bach”).

For r, roll your tongue in the middle of your mouth.

For j, q, and x, draw your mouth’s corners as far back as possible, so you look like you’re grinning: q looks like you’re taking a photo and saying “cheese”; x sounds like a kettle ready to whistle, halfway between “sh” and “s”. Grin for those single letters (j, q, and x) but not for double letters (zh, ch, and sh). Beijing’s local dialect adds a “ur” sound after the double letters: so just in Beijing, zh is pronounced like the “jur” in “jury,” ch is pronounced like the “chur” in “church,” and sh is pronounced like “sure.” That’s why people in Beijing sound like they’re growling and muttering: they frequently add “ur-r-r-r-r!”

a is pronounced like the “a”  in “mama” or “papa” or “father” or “far”

e is pronounced like the “e”  in “her” or “term” (or the “e” in French “le”)

i  is pronounced like the “i”   in “machine” or “police” (or the “ee” in “see”)

o is pronounced like the “o”  in “or” (or the “aw” in “awful”)

u is pronounced like the “u”  in “rule” or “flute” (or the “oo” in “moo”)

ü is pronounced like the “ü”  in German “über”  (or the “u” in French “tu” or somewhat like the “eu” in English “pneumonia”); to make that sound, purse your lips like you’re going to whistle, but then say “ee” through them

when the i sound comes after z, zh, c, ch, s, sh, or r, people pronounce it like the e sound but with the mouth less open, so it almost sounds like “r”

when the ü sound comes after the letter j, q, x, or y, people don’t bother to write the ¨: they write just u; so if you see u after j, q, x, or y, pronounce it as ü

ai   sounds like the “i” in “bite”

ei   sounds like the “ei” in “veil” (or the “a” in “date”)

ui   sounds like compromise between “we” and “way”

ao  sounds like the “ow” in “cow”

uo  sounds like the “wa” in “war”

ou  sounds like the “o” in “go”

iu   sounds like the “yo” in “yo-yo”

ia   sounds like the “ya” in “yard”

iao sounds like the “eow” in “meow”

ua  sounds like the “ua” in “suave”

uai sounds like the “wi” in “swipe”

ie   sounds like the “ie” in “sierra” (or the “ye” in “yes”)

üe  sounds like the “eu” in “pneumonia” followed by “air”

er   sounds like the “er” in “her,” but with your mouth slightly more open, so it almost sounds like the word “are”

an  sounds like the English word “an” (and the “an” in “fan”), but pronounce the “n” very softly and briefly, so you hear not much more than the “a” in “an”

ian sounds like “yen,” but pronounce the “n” very softly and briefly

en  sounds like the “un” in “under”

in   sounds like the English words “in” and “inn”

un  sounds like the “ewin” in the word “chewin’” (slang for “chewing”)

ün  sounds like the French word “une”

ang sounds like the “ong” in “gong”

eng sounds like the “ung” in “hung”

ing sounds like the “ing” in “ring”

ong sounds like the English electrical word “ohm” (and the meditation word “Om”) but with “ng” instead of “m”; it also sounds like the word “going” but without the “g” and “i”

The Chinese family name Li         is pronounced “lee.”

The Chinese family name Tang    is pronounced “tong.”

The Chinese family name Wang  is pronounced “wong.”

The Chinese family name Yang   is pronounced “yong.”

The Chinese family name Zhang  is pronounced “jong.”

The Chinese family name Chen   is pronounced “chun.”

The Chinese family name Cheng is pronounced “chung.”

The Chinese family name Song    is pronounced “so” then “ng.”

ma is a Chinese word that means “huh” and marks the end of a question

mā is a Chinese word that means “mother”

má is a Chinese word that means “hemp” or “numb” or “pock-marked”

mă is a Chinese word that means “horse”

mà is a Chinese word that means “scold” or “swear”

Pronounce plain ma briefly, like a grunt. That’s called toneless or tone 0.

Pronounce mā as a long, high note, as if you were an Italian singer (like Pavarotti) singing a high note of an opera or a popular song. While you sing it, hold your pitch steady, going neither up the scale nor down it. Sing it for about half a second (while you count “one, one thou…”). It’s the tone American doctors use when they tell you to open your mouth and say “ah.” That’s called the first tone or high tone or flat tone.

Pronounce má so it rises from “medium pitch” to “high pitch,” like a singer sliding up the scale. To pronounce it easily, raise your eyebrows while saying it. Make its length be rather short. It’s the same tone Americans use when they ask “what?” It’s called the second tone or rising tone.

Pronounce mă so it dips from “medium-low pitch” to “low pitch” then rises to “medium-high pitch.” Make the pitch swoop down, like an eagle catching its prey, then swoop back up. To pronounce it easily, drop your chin onto your neck and then raise it again. It takes a long time to finish the performance. It’s called the third tone or dipping tone or low tone.

Pronounce mà so it falls from “high pitch” to “low pitch,” like a singer sliding down the scale. Do it fast, so its length is very short. Start loud but quickly fade, as if you’re a singer who has a heart attack: let out a quick high-pitched yelp, then wither (with your voice) to the floor. To pronounce it easily, stomp your foot gently while saying it. It’s the tone Americans use when they yell “Hah!” or “No!” or a command (such as “Stop!”) It’s called the fourth tone or falling tone.

Má mā mà mă ma?

Má māma mà mă ma?

“Older brother” is gēge, but “younger brother” is dìdi.

“Older sister” is jiĕjie,   but “younger sister” is mèimei.

tāng means soup, but táng means sugar

yán means salt, but yān means tobacco

How to pronounce the 3^rd tone (if the next tone is tone 0, 1, 2, or 4): dip the voice down but don’t bother bringing it back up.

How to pronounce the 3^rd tone (if the next tone is 3^rd also): bring the voice up but don’t bother dipping down first, so instead it sounds like just a 2^nd tone (rising tone). Here’s a famous example.… The Chinese don’t have a word for “hello.” Instead of saying “hello,” they greet each other by saying “you look great,” which is usually abridged to “you good.” Since the word for “you” is nĭ and the word for “good” is hăo, that would make “you good” be nĭ hăo. But Chinese people are too lazy to dip twice in a row — the Chinese never double-dip — so they switch the first word to a rising tone and say this: ní hăo. Here’s another example.… If you’re chatting about health or feelings and want to say “I’m okay too,” the Chinese form is “I also good,” which would be wŏ yě hăo; but since that would require 3 dips in a row, the Chinese change the first 2 of them to rising and say this: wó yé hăo.

Pinyin, used now                      Wade-Giles, outdated

Bĕijīng           (the capital city)       Peking

Guăngzhōu    (a big city)               Canton

Chóngqìng     (a big city)               Chungking

Sìchuān          (a province)             Szechuan

Dào                (a religion)               Tao

Máo Zédōng  (a famous leader)     Mao Tse-tung

Lĭ Bái             (a famous poet)        Li Po

Láo Zĭ            (a famous writer)      Lao Tzu

The character for the number “1” is a horizontal line. (The pinyin for “1” is yī.)

The character for the number “2” is two horizontal lines, stacked so they look like an equal sign, except the bottom line is slightly longer. (Pinyin: èr.)

The character for the number “3” is three horizontal lines, stacked, with the bottom line longest and the middle line shortest. (Pinyin: sān.)

The character for the number “ten” is a plus sign. (Pinyin: shí.)

The character for the word “man” (or “person”) looks like a stick figure of a man, but with no head, no arms, and no feet, so you see just a pair of legs (without feet) and a torso, and the whole thing is just 2 strokes: one stroke is the “torso becoming the left leg”, the other stroke is the right leg. (Pinyin: rén.)

The character for the word “big” is the same as for the word “man” but with outstretched arms added. The “outstretched arms” are just a horizontal line. (Pinyin: dà.)

        0 líng      (pronounced “ling”)

        1 yī         (pronounced “yee” or “ee”)

        2 èr         (pronounced “er”)

        3 sān      (pronounced “san”)

        4 sì         (pronounced “suh”)

        5 wŭ       (pronounced “woo”)

        6 liù        (pronounced like the name “Leo”)

        7 qī         (pronounced “chee”)

        8 bā        (sounds like a sheep: “bah”)

        9 jiŭ        (pronounced like the name “Joe”)

      10 shí       (pronounced like the word “she”)

    100 yìbăi    (pronounced “yee buy” or “ee buy”)

  1000 yìqiān  (pronounced “yee chee an” or “ee chee an”)

10000 yìwàn  (pronounced “yee wan” or “ee wan”)

In Chinese, the number after “ten” is called “ten one” (shí yī). Then come “ten two” (shí èr) then “ten three” (shí sān) and so on, up to “ten nine” (shí jiŭ) Then come “two-ten” (èrshí), “two-ten one” (èrshí yī), “two-ten two” (èrshí èr), and so on. One hundred is yìbăi; two hundred is èrbăi; 235 is “two-hundred three-ten five” (èrbăi sānshí wŭ).

If a number’s next-to-final digit is zero, say “zero” (líng). For example, if you want to say 205, don’t say just “two-hundred five”: say “two-hundred zero five” (èrbăi líng wŭ). If you forget to say the “zero” and say just “two-hundred five” (èrbăi wŭ), your listener will assume you mean the slang for 250.

Choose èr when you’re counting (1, 2, 3, etc.) and for 20 (èrshí) and 200 (èrbăi); choose liăng instead for 2000 (liăngqiān), 20000 (liăngwàn), and when the number modifies a noun (“2 people”).

The Chinese just say “#1 month” (yī yuè), “#2 month” (èr yuè), etc.

the Chinese just say “week’s #1” for Monday (zhōu yī), “week’s #2” for Tuesday (zhōu èr), etc. For Sunday, say “week’s sun” (zhōu rì).

For example, when giving a date, you say the year then the month then the date. When giving a person’s name, you say the person’s family (which is usually one syllable, such as Chén) then the cute name the mother gave that person (which is usually two syllables, such as Mínglì). For example, China’s most famous leader was Máo Zédōng: his family’s name was Máo, his given name was Zédōng.

In Chinese, instead of saying “I own 5 restaurants,” you say “I own 5 of restaurant.” The only exception is for groups of people: the plural of “friend” is “friend group”; the plural of “student” is “student group”; the plural of “child” is “child group.” (The Chinese word for “group” is men.)

In Chinese, instead of saying “I see the car” or “I see a car”, you say just “I see car.” If you want to emphasize that you see just “a” car, not many cars, you can say “I see one of car”: the Chinese say “one” (yī) instead of “a”.

They say “I eat,” “he eat,” “I yesterday eat,” “I tomorrow eat.”

To say just “I ate” without bothering to specify which day, a Chinese person says “I eat already.” That’s easy to say, since the Chinese word for “already” is short: le. So to turn any present sentence into a past-tense sentence, just add le at the end.

If you’re telling a story, don’t bother putting le at the end of each sentence: just tell the story in the present tense. (“I yesterday eat. Then I drink. Then I sleep.”)

“He go Shanghai” becomes “He go Shanghai huh?” The Chinese word for “huh?” is ma. It serves the same purpose as the Canadian “eh?” (Canadians say, “He’s going to Shanghai, eh?”)

To reply to the question “You go Shanghai huh?” just repeat the verb: say “go” (while nodding your head) or “not go” (while shaking your head). To reply to the question “He is American huh?” just repeat the verb: say “is” (shì) or “not is,” which would be bù shì; but the Chinese don’t like to say “bù” before a verb having the 4^th tone, so the Chinese change “bù” to “bú” in that situation and say “bú shì.” Since “bú shì” sounds like “bullshit,” American tourists think Chinese people often talk about bullshit.

When Chinese people are lazy, they don’t bother saying the verb after bù: they say just bù, which means “not” and acts as “no.” So American tourists think Chinese people resemble ghosts, who always say “boo!”

Though you make the typical Chinese verb negative by putting bù (or bú) before it, here’s a big exception: to make the verb “have” (yŏu) be negative, say méi instead of bù, like this: méi yŏu (which means “not have” or “haven’t”). For example, if somebody asks whether you have something (or whether you have ever done something), reply by saying “have” (yŏu) or “haven’t” (méi yŏu). Chinese people often say they “haven’t” done something; they often say méi yŏu. Since “méi yŏu” sounds like “mayo” (which is American slang for “mayonnaise”), American tourists think Chinese people often talk about mayonnaise.

Another way to indicate yes is to say “correct” (which in Chinese is duì). So Chinese often reply to questions by saying shì (“is” or “yes”), bú shì (“not is” or “no”), bù (“not” or “no”), yŏu (“have”), méi yŏu (“not have” or “haven’t”), and duì (“certainly”).

If you use them too much, you’ll be laughed at for being as hopelessly formal as a British butler. Instead of saying a formal “thank you,” Chinese people prefer to be more thoughtful and emotional. When treated to a meal, a Chinese person shows appreciation by saying it was delicious (“good eat extremely,” hăo chī jíle); when done a favor, a Chinese person apologizes for having put the generous person to so much trouble (“trouble you already,” máfan nĭ le).

Since the Chinese word for “person” is rén, a Chinese person is called a “center-country person” (Zōngguó rén). The Chinese language (with its written characters) is called “center writing” (Zōngwen).

A British person is called a Yīngguó rén (“flower-country person”); the English language is called Yīngwen (“flower writing”).

An American person is called a Mĕiguó rén (“beautiful-country person”). To say “I am an American,” say wŏ shì Mĕiguó rén (“I is beautiful-country person”).

Pronouns

“I” or “me”                                           I                        wŏ

“we” or “us”                                         I-group              wŏmen

“you” (one person)                               you                    nĭ

“y’all”                                                  you-group          nĭmen

“it” or “he” or “she” or “him” or “her”  it                        tā

“they”                                                   it-group             tāmen

Goodness

“good” or “okay”                                  good                  hăo

“very good”                                          very good          hĕn hăo

Chitchat

“hello” or “good to see you” (one person)   you good           nĭ hăo

“hello y’all” or “good to see y’all”        you-group good nĭmen hăo

“good-bye” or “till we meet again”        again meet         zài jiàn

“love”                                                   love                   ài

“I love you”                                          I love you          wŏ ài nĭ

“do you love me?”                                you love I huh?  nĭ ài wo ma

“how are you feeling?” or “how are you?” you good huh?   nĭ hăo ma

“I’m feeling fine”                                 I very good        wŏ hĕn hăo

“and how about you?” or “you too?”     you likewise?     nĭ ne

“is” or “am” or “are” or “yes, I am”       is                       shì

“want”                                                  want                  yào

“I want…”                                            I want                wŏ yào

“I’d like…”                                           I think want       wŏ xiăng yào

“please…” or “I’d like to invite you to…” invite                 qĭng

“thank you”                                          thank-thank       xièxie

“my name is…” or “I’m called…”         I call                  wŏ jiào

Negatives

“not” or “no, I’m not”                           not                     bù

“bad”                                                    not good            bù hăo

“don’t want”                                         not want             bú yào

“you’re welcome” or “no need to thank” not thank           bù xiè

Having

“have” or “has”                                     have                  yŏu

“haven’t” or “I haven’t done that”         not-have            méi yŏu

Possessives

“’s”                                                       ’s                       de

“Wang’s”                                              Wang’s              Wáng de

“my”                                                    I’s                      wŏde

“your”                                                  you’s                 nĭde

“its” or “his” or “her”                            it’s                     tāde

Size

“big”                                                    big                     dà

“small” or “little” or “young”                little                   xiăo

People

“mother” or “mama” or “mom”             mama                māma

“father” or “papa” or “dad”                   papa                  bàba

“friend” or “dear friend to have”           friend-have        péngyou

“mister” or “husband” or “family head” first-born           xiānsheng

“Mr. Wang”                                          Wang first-born Wáng xiānsheng

“wife” or “better half”                           too-too              tàitai

“Mr. Wang’s wife” or “Mrs. Wang”       Wang too-too     Wáng tàitai

Food

“eat”                                                     eat                     chī

“beef”                                                   cow meat           niú ròu

“pork”                                                  pig meat             zhū ròu

“lamb”                                                  sheep meat         yáng ròu

“chicken”                                             chicken              jī

“turkey”                                               fire chicken       huŏ jī

“duck”                                                  duck                  yā

“fish”                                                    fish                    yú

“salmon”                                              3-writing fish     sānwén yú

“shrimp”                                               shrimp               xiā

“lobster”                                               dragon shrimp   lóng xiā