Arts
Artsy-fartsy, let’s get smartsy.
Monk-Penn art
Thelonious Monk (the jazz pianist & composer) said:
A genius is the one most like himself.
Penn Jillette (the talkative half of the “Penn & Teller” magic show) elaborated:
Here’s the quote I always use, an important quote, kind of lost to history: Thelonious Monk (the great jazz pianist) said “genius is the one most like himself.” That sums up all art.
Art includes Picasso. It also includes reality shows. It also includes porno. Anything you’re doing after the chores are done is art.
In art, what you want to give is a little glimpse of your heart.
He said so at the beginning of this Fox Business News interview:
http://video.FoxBusiness.com/v/4384668462001#sp=show-clips
Picasso’s advice
Pablo Picasso, the greatest modern painter, gave great advice about art & life.
To become a great artist, you should look at the works of others, learn from them, incorporate their ideas into your own thinking, grow, and never stop growing. Picasso said:
Bad artists copy. Good artists steal.
To copy others is necessary, but to copy oneself is pathetic.
I’m always doing what I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it.
Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once you grow up.
The idea of the top quote (“Bad artists copy. Good artists steal.”) is itself stolen from Lionel Trilling, who said:
Immature artists imitate. Mature artists steal.
George Balanchine (the dance choreographer) elaborated:
God creates, I don’t. I assemble and steal everywhere — from what I see, from what the dancers can do, from what others do.
Art can be superficial or deep. Picasso asked:
Are we to paint what’s on the face, what’s inside the face, or what’s behind it?
Who sees the human face correctly: the photographer, the mirror, or the painter?
Art doesn’t have to be literal. He said:
Art is a lie that enables us to realize the truth.
The world today doesn’t make sense, so why should I paint pictures that do?
Some painters transform the sun into a yellow spot. Others transform a yellow spot into the sun.
Art should begin with reality, then go beyond it. He said:
There’s no abstract art. You must always start with something. Later you can remove all traces of reality.
When you start a painting, plan it but don’t over-plan: jump in, start creating it, and then let it take on a life of its own and grow by itself. He said:
You must have an idea of what you’re going to do, but it should be a vague idea. One never knows what one’s going to do. One starts a painting and then it becomes something quite different.
Get abstract, but not too abstract. He warned:
When you try to find a portrait’s true form by abstracting more and more, you must end up with an egg.
A painting should have a grand purpose. He said:
Painting is not done to decorate apartments. It’s an instrument of war against brutality and darkness.
He admitted:
I don’t own any of my own paintings, because a Picasso original costs several thousand dollars — it’s a luxury I can’t afford.
He also admitted:
The “refined,” the “rich, professional do-nothing,” and the “distiller of quintessence” desire just the peculiar, sensational, eccentric, and scandalous: that’s today’s art.
Since the advent of cubism, I’ve fed those fellows what they wanted and satisfied those critics with all the ridiculous ideas that passed through my head. The less they understood, the more they admired me!
Now I’m celebrated and rich; but when I’m alone, I don’t have the effrontery to consider myself an artist at all, not in the grand meaning of the word. I’m just a public clown. I’ve understood my time and exploited the imbecility, vanity, and greed of my contemporaries.
That’s a bitter confession, more painful than it may seem; but at least — and at last — it’s honest.
I hope you liked Picasso’s advice & confessions, but his wife said:
If my husband ever met a woman on the street who looked like the women in his paintings, he’d faint.
Stoppard’s rebuke
Tom Stoppard is a British playwright who pokes fun at modern art.
He said:
It’s not hard to understand modern art. If it hangs on a wall, it’s a painting; and if you can walk around it, it’s a sculpture.
In his play Artist Descending a Staircase, a character (Donner) says:
Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects, such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art.
In his play Travesties, a character (Carr) says to an artist:
When I was at school, on certain afternoons we all had to do what was called Labor: weeding, sweeping, sawing logs for the boiler-room, that sort of thing; but if you had a chit from Matron, you were let off to spend the afternoon messing about in the Art Room. Labor or Art.
And you’ve got a chit for life? Where did you get it?
What’s an artist? For every thousand people, there’s 900 doing the work, 90 doing well, 9 doing good, and 1 lucky bastard who’s the artist.
But Stoppard admitted:
I write plays because dialogue’s the most respectable way to contradict myself.
Comedy’s 2 skills
To be completely funny, you need 2 skills:
The first skill is to have a funny thought, turned into sentences, then turned into paragraphs or dialogue.
The second skill is to physically act ridiculous, by displaying funny mannerisms, facial expressions, accents, accidents (such a tripping or stumbling), exaggerated body movements (such as big hugs, big grabs, and sudden head turning), and suddenly changing your voice’s volume.
People argue about which skill makes you a “comedian” and which skill makes you a “comic.” My own preference is to say the first skill makes you a comedian; the second skill makes you a comic. Ed Wynn once agreed with me and said (according to a 1961 article):
A comedian says funny things.
A comic says things funny.
(But at other times, he said the opposite.) He was inspired by
an earlier quote from Fred Allen.) His thought was reprinted in
The Wall Street Journal (on July 29, 2021, page A18, in a letter from
David Weisberg).
If you have both skills, you’re great and called a complete comedian. If you have enough skill to stand up and amuse an audience briefly but not enough skill to make a whole movie, you’re called just a stand-up comic.
Music
Many people spend lots of time trying to create music. Like basketball, music is fun & healthy but rarely leads to a successful career.
Music versus art
Americans treat music differently from art. The typical art class encourages kids to create their own art by using crayons, paint, and other media. The typical music class does not encourage kids to compose their own music; instead, the class encourages kids to imitate (perform) music composed by others. Kids are taught to slavishly “play the right notes,” not invent their own.
This miseducation affects our adult lives. While we’re chatting on the phone, we let ourselves do creative artwork, called “doodling,” but not creative music. In the shower, we try to sing correctly, not creatively.
Indian philosophy
At Wesleyan University in Connecticut, I heard a musician explain how to improvise on the sitar (a guitar from India). He said that if you play a “wrong” note, don’t get embarrassed: instead, consider that the sitar is talking to you. Play off the error. Play the wrong note again and again, on purpose, as if you meant it, as if you were purposely trying to surprise the audience and shockingly lead the audience into a new theme.
To be more sophisticated, repeat not just the wrong note but also the entire phrase that contained it, then make that phrase lead up to a climactic phrase that’s even more bizarre and exciting.
Famous music
Would you like to become a famous composer? Would you like to become like Beethoven or the Beatles? If so, here’s something humbling to remember.…
What’s the most popular piece of music in the whole world, the piece of music that more people around the world know than any other?
No, it’s not by Beethoven, it’s not by the Beatles, and it’s not by Britney Spears (thank God).
The next time you’re at a party, ask your friends to answer that question. Then reveal the answer (“The Happy Birthday Song”) and sing it to the daily victim!
That song is known all over the world. Yes, even in strange countries — like France and China — they sing that song, with the same notes, in their own languages!
The song was invented in 1893 in Louisville Kentucky. The melody was by a kindergarten teacher, Mildred Hill. The original words were by her sister, Patty, the principal, and went like this:
Good morning to you.
Good morning to you.
Good morning, dear children.
Good morning to all.
They were to be sung by teachers (and were published in a songbook called “Song Stories for the Kindergarten”), but soon the kids started singing it back to the teachers and changed the words to:
Good morning to you.
Good morning to you.
Good morning, dear teacher.
Good morning to you.
Much later, some wiseguy changed the words to:
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday, dear _____.
Happy birthday to you.
Those “Happy birthday” words were finally published in a songbook edited by Robert Coleman in 1924. Afterwards, the song spread by word of mouth, radio, movies, Western Union’s singing telegrams, and other crazed comedians.
Eventually, the Hill family sued for copyright infringement. The copyright was eventually sold to bigger publishers.
It was legal to sing the song at family birthday parties privately; but you were supposed to pay royalties if you performed the song publicly, such as in a restaurant or sports arena or movie or —according to lawyers — at the following:
anyplace “open to the public” or where gather a substantial number of people outside a normal circle of “a family and its social acquaintances”
The eventual copyright owner (Time Warner) collected 2 million dollars per year in royalties, which it split with a foundation established by the sister’s family.
But in 2015, a judge finally declared the copyright was invalid.
Moral: if you want big fame and big bucks, write happy songs, for kids! I wonder how much money Barney generates by singing:
I love you. You love me.
We’re a happy family.
I prefer the popular parody:
I hate you. You hate me.
We’re a dysfunctional family.
Sing it whenever mom yells at you. Then you’ll really piss her off!
What if classical computers (such as Beethoven) had become even more famous, by composing “Happy Birthday” themselves? Watch Nicole Pesce play, on her piano, “Happy Birthday” in the style of Beethoven, Chopin, Brahms, Bach, normal Mozart, and drunk Mozart:
YouTube.com/watch?v=OaZveHbxAYs (that’s the letter O, not zero)
Elaborating on Nicole Pesce’s humor, watch Salut Salon
(3 German string players & pianist) play
other pieces competitively:
YouTube.com/watch?v= BKezUd_xw20 (limited number of views)
Beautiful simplicity
If you teach a class in music composition, play this trick on the students.
Tell them you want them to write a musical composition that’s hauntingly beautiful, also relaxing, yet so sad it can make even the toughest men cry.
Give them a few minutes to start working on the project, then say:
Oh, by the way, I want the composition to be short: no more than 25 notes.
Watch them rethink.
Then say:
And I want no lyrics and no harmony. The melody alone must be the whole composition. Remember it must be “hauntingly beautiful, relaxing, and so sad it makes even the toughest men cry.”
A few minutes later, say:
Oh, by the way, one more restriction: you’re not allowed to use any sharps or flats. The whole composition must be playable on the piano’s white notes, without using any black notes.
At this point, some of the students will start cursing you as they rewrite again.
A few minutes later, add:
Oh, by the way, one more restriction: you can’t use the notes D, F, A, or B. The only notes you can use are C, E, and G.
At this point, the students will probably start saying “You’re nuts,” “You’re crazy,” “Why didn’t you tell us that before,” and “It’s impossible.”
A few minutes later add:
Now I’m going to impose a further restriction: the only notes you can use are middle C, the G just below it, and the E & G just above it.
You’ll hear more cursing, but some of the students will start wondering what the point of all this is, what game you’re trying to play.
A few minutes later, if the students have enough patience, add this command:
Now here’s a final restriction: after each note (except the last note), you must write a note that’s the same, or adjacent, or starts repeating a phrase. For example, after E, you must put E again or the G above it or the C below it or start repeating a phrase that’s been heard already.
Now everybody wonders how you can make a song that’s “hauntingly beautiful, relaxing, and tearfully sad” even though it’s so restricted (shorter than 25 notes, without lyrics, without harmony, restricted to the notes of a C chord around middle C, and without jumps except for repetitions).
Say this:
Millions of Americans know a piece of music that has all those properties and restrictions. Do you know which piece of music that is?
If nobody guesses, start giving hints.
Here’s a hint: what musical instrument plays only a C chord?
If still no answer, give further help.
What’s the saddest thing that can happen to somebody?
If still no answer, give further help.
What’s the most relaxing thing that can happen to somebody?
If still no answer, give further help.
What government organization dominates the lives (and therefore the music) of millions of Americans?
If they still have no clue, just give up and say, “Now I’m going to play the music that meets all those criteria.” Then play “Taps” on a bugle.
To end the lesson, give the class this moral:
The art of writing music is to put restrictions on yourself, then successfully maneuver within those restrictions.
How to improvise
Try this experiment.…
Make the piano cry Walk up to the piano. Press a key
near the middle of the keyboard. Then remove your finger from that key. Press
the key that’s immediately left of the key you pressed before, regardless of
color. (For example, if you pressed E before, press E flat; if you pressed C
before, press B.) Notice that this second key sounds slightly lower than the
first. Keep doing that: keep moving down to the left, pressing each key,
regardless of color. (For example, if you started at E, press E flat, then D,
then D flat, then C, then B, then B flat, then A.) That’s called
going down the chromatic
scale (or chromatic
decline). Keep doing that, until you’ve played 8 notes
altogether.
Now start at some other key on the keyboard and go down the chromatic scale from that new key, so you’ve played 8 new notes. (Now you’ve played 16 notes altogether!)
Hop to a third key on the keyboard and go down the chromatic scale from that key, so you’ve play 8 further notes. (Now you’ve played 24 notes altogether!)
Going down the chromatic scale makes the piano sound like it’s crying: oh, such a mournful melody!
To increase the effect, get several friends to join you at the piano: all of you play simultaneously, so each of you goes down the chromatic scale simultaneously. (If you don’t have any friends with you at the moment, try making your two hands pretend to be two people.)
The person who’s farthest left is called the bass. For best results, have the bass player play twice as slowly, so he goes down one note while the other players go down two notes. Those long notes in the bass create a steady, sticky “glue” that holds the composition together.
Break free To avoid monotony, let each player be free to “break the rules” occasionally. For example, instead of taking an 8-note run, try taking a 4-note run or a 2-note run. Try letting the bass player play even slower — while the other players play even faster.
To avoid making the composition sound too depressing, let each player occasionally go up the scale instead of down, to create a glimmer of hope — before resuming the doom of descending into darkness.
Let each player be free to occasionally play any note or pattern. For example, instead of going down in boring scales, let your fingers wander in both directions (up and down), like a staggering drunk who’s indecisive about which direction to walk in. (That’s called a random walk.)
Add teamwork Let each player occasionally stop to listen to the other players (silence is golden!) and then imitate their patterns (so the group sounds like an attentive ensemble doing teamwork, instead of a disorganized mess).
Folk music To create folk music, play just on the black keys (that’s called the pentatonic scale) while doing a random walk.
Chinese music To make that folk music sound Chinese,
make each non-bass player do this: instead of pressing one black key at a time,
press two black keys that are fairly close together (so just one black key is
between them). That’s called
pentatonic parallel thirds.
Mozart To create Mozart music, do Chinese music but
play on the white notes instead of the black (that’s called
diatonic parallel thirds),
so each non-bass player is playing a pair of white notes that are fairly close
together (and just one white note is between them). Then try this improvement:
when playing a pair of notes, if the top note is a C, make the pair’s bottom
note be E instead of A.
Warning: when producing Mozart music, use fewer players than with other types of music, so you keep your composition as simple as a music box and avoid clashes.
Debussy On the keyboard, the black notes come in clumps. Some clumps contain 3 black notes. Other clumps contain 2 black notes. Try this restriction: let yourself play the 3 black notes that come in a 3-black-note clump, and also let yourself play the 3 white notes that are near the 2-black-note clump. Restricting yourself to those notes is called the whole-tone scale, which sounds like the impressionist harp music composed by the French composer Debussy. For best results, go up that scale instead of down (except for variety).
12th Street Rag
The 12th Street Rag is a popular ragtime jazz composition. It was originally written for piano, but now it’s also played on guitar and by full jazz bands, in Kansas City and New Orleans.
In its main theme, the notes are boringly repetitive, and so is the rhythm. But the notes and rhythm intersect each other in a fun way.
The notes consists of just going down the scale (playing C then B then A), 5 times, like this:
CBA CBA CBA CBA CBA
Then play C, then do the scale 3 more times, so altogether you have this:
CBA CBA CBA CBA CBA C CBA CBA CBA
Looks boring!
The rhythm consists of playing “a Long note (a dotted eighth note) then a Short note (a sixteenth note),” 12 times, like this:
L SL SL SL SL SL SL SL SL SL SL SL S
Then play a long note, so altogether the rhythm looks like this:
L SL SL SL SL SL SL SL SL SL SL SL SL
Looks boring!
But when you play those boring notes using that boring rhythm, the result is fascinating:
C BA CB AC BA CB AC BA CC BA CB AC BA
That was composed back in 1898 by Euday Bowman in Kansas City. Back then, he was walking with his friend on 12th Street, where the friend planned to open a pawn shop. The symbol for a pawn shop is 3 balls. Euday told his friend, “If you get rich on those 3 balls, I'll write a piece on 3 notes to make myself rich.”
Before the main theme, the composition includes an intro. After the main theme (which is played twice), you hear variations and a coda.
Most musicians play the notes slightly higher: instead of “C then B then A,” they play “E flat then D then C.”
YouTube shows many performances of the 12th Street Rag, by various musicians. Enjoy them all!
Besides the 12th Street Rag, Euday also wrote the 6th Street Rag, 10th Street Rag, and 11th Street Rag. All those streets were near the bordellos where he worked (as a pianist).
Was Dr. Seuss the first rapper?
I wonder whether rap music was influenced by Dr. Seuss. The beat’s the same:
As I think about the music that is driving me insane,
And I wonder if I blunder when I call it such a name,
And the oink-oink little piggy blew the house down — such as shame! —
I’m a rapper and a crapper playing Seuss’s little game.
Da-da-da-da! Da-da-da-da! Da-da-da-da! Da-da-da!
Rap music is upsetting. The rap version of “Silent Night! Holy Night!” would be:
Night of silence! Night of holes!
Kick some butt and grab your goals!
Snatch fine “gifts” from ev’ry shop.
Do not pay! Run! Do not stop!
Christ almighty, beat that cop!
Yeah, become a famous whammer!
Braggin’ time in ev’ry slammer!
Nasty musician jokes
Musicians make cynical comments about each other.
Most think the drummers should be paid less, since they don’t have to think about pitch and tend to be immature.
What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
Overqualified.
What does the average drummer get on an IQ test?
Drool.
A store sells brains, each in a glass jar. The sign on the scientist’s brain says $100, electrician’s brain says $1000, and drummer’s brain says $10,000. A customer asks, “Why should I buy a drummer’s brain for $10,000 when I can buy a scientist’s brain for $100?” The shopkeeper replies, “Because the drummer’s brain has never been used.”
What’s the best way to confuse a drummer?
Put a sheet of music in front of him.
Little Johnny tells his mom, “When I grow up, I want to be a drummer.”
Mommy says, “I’m sorry, Johnny, but you can’t do both.”
How does a savings bond differ from a drummer?
The bond eventually matures and makes money.
Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
It keeps better time and won’t sleep with your girlfriend.
What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.
If a hundred dollar bill was laying on the floor and Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing nearby, who’d get the hundred dollars?
The drummer with bad time, because the other 3 don’t exist.
What do a sneeze and a drummer have in common?
You know when they’re coming, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
But the conductor should be paid even less, since he doesn’t have to play anything himself:
If a musician can’t handle his instrument, they take it away, give him 2 sticks, and make him a drummer. If he can’t even handle 2 sticks, they take 1 away and make him a conductor.
How’s a moose the opposite of an orchestra?
The moose has his horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
Some drummers are proud, especially in jazz bands, because the drummer’s beat holds the whole band together. Drummer Panama Francis said:
The drummer drives. Everybody else rides!
In a band, musicians wish the saxophonists would get fewer solos and go away:
What’s the range of a soprano saxophone?
The world’s record is 57 yards.
What do you call 600 saxophones at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
How can you tell if it’s a sax player at the door?
He doesn’t know which key to use or when to come in, and the door drags.
But saxophonists, in turn, wish accordions would go away. Saxophonist Al Cohn said:
A gentleman is someone who knows how to play the accordion, and doesn’t.
Trumpet players are too loud & proud, especially when they’re practicing.
What do lawyers and trumpet players have in common?
People are happiest when their cases are closed.
What’s the difference between a trumpet player and God?
God knows he’s not a trumpet player.
Trombone players are disliked also.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombone player’s arm?
A tattoo.
In a band, the tubas often play just oompah music, alternating between the notes C and G.
A young kid returned from his first lesson on how to play the tuba. His dad asked him, “How did it go?” He replied, “Great! I learned how to play a C.”
The next week, the kid took another lesson. His dad asked how it went. He replied, “Terrific! I learned how to play a G.”
The third week, the kid didn’t come home until 2AM. His dad screamed, “Where in hell were you?” He replied, “Out gigging.”
In a string quartet, the viola is the least useful instrument.
What’s the difference between a chainsaw and a viola?
If you absolutely had to, you could use a chainsaw in a string quartet.
Musicians are often told to use the back door:
Saint Peter is checking ID’s at the pearly gates.
He asks the first soul in line, “What did you do on Earth?” The soul replies, “I was a doctor.” Peter says, “Okay, go through the gates then turn left.”
He asks the next soul, “What did you do on Earth?” “I was a teacher.” “Okay, go through the gates then turn left.”
He asks the third soul, “What did you do on Earth” “I was a musician.” “All right, go around to the back door, up the freight elevator, and through the kitchen.”
The typical musician gets paid little:
What do you call a musician with no lover? Homeless.
How to become a millionaire.
Step 1: become a billionaire.
Step 2: become a musician.
Saint Peter, at the pearly gates, asks the first soul in line, “What was your last job and annual salary?” The soul replies, “$200,000. I was a trial lawyer.”
The second soul replies, “$95,000. I was a realtor.”
The third soul replies, “$10,000.” Saint Peter says, “Cool! What instrument did you play?”
But musicians don’t mind. Trumpeter Jack Daney said:
To be a musician is a curse.
To not be one is even worse.
He also said being an unemployed musician is not so bad:
One of the perks of being an unemployed musician is that you get to play much less bad music.
But playing pop music has its advantages. Bandleader Xavier Cugat said:
I’d rather play Chiquita Banana and have my swimming pool than play Bach and starve.
What does a rock artist say to a jazz musician?
Take me to the airport, please.
How does a blues player differ from a jazz player?
A blues player uses 3 fingers and has many listeners.
A jazz player uses many fingers and has 3 listeners.
If you know musical scales & chords, you’ll understand this:
C, E-flat, and G go into a bar.
The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve minors,” so E-flat leaves, and C & G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished; G is out flat.
F comes in and tries to augment the situation but isn’t sharp enough.
D comes in but heads straight for the bathroom, saying “Excuse me. I'll just be a second.”
A comes in, but the bartender thinks this relative of C is a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and yells, “Get out! You’re the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight.”
The next night, E-flat comes to the bar in a 3-piece suit. The bartender says, “You’re looking sharp tonight! Come in. This could be a major development.” That proves to be the case, as E-flat takes off the suit and is now au naturel.
Eventually, C sobers up and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. He’s guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility; but, on appeal, he’s found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides he needs a rest — and closes the bar.
You can find more musician jokes at:
ViewFromTheMeadow.com/jokes%2012.html#125
How to sing the blues
A woman wrote a list of rules about how to sing the blues. Others made the rules fancier but forgot her name. She demanded credit and royalties but then disappeared.
Here’s my edited version of those rules.
Begin Most blues begin “Woke up this morning” (not “I got a good woman” unless you add something nasty right away). Repeat that first line, then find something that sorta rhymes. Example:
I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
She got teeth like Hillary Clinton and she weighs 500 pounds.
Transportation You can mention Chevies, Cadillacs, broken-down trucks, Greyhound buses, southbound trains, walkin’, and fixin’ to die. Not Volvos, BMWs, SUVs, jets, or motor pools.
Location The best places to have the blues are Chicago, Saint Louis, Kansas City, and New Orleans. You can have the blues in New York City, but not Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont, Tucson, or North Dakota are just depression.
Good places to have the blues: the highway, a jailhouse, an empty bed, the bottom of a whiskey glass. Not golf courses, Tiffany’s, Ivy League colleges, gallery openings, weekends in the Hamptons.
You can’t have the blues in an office or shopping mall, because the lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
You can’t get the blues where it doesn’t rain.
To sing the blues, it’s gotta be dark, preferably after midnight. Singin’ da blues at noon is forbidden.
Who can sing? Just adults sing the blues. Not teenagers, because they ain’t fixin’ to die yet. You must be old enough to get the electric chair when you shoot that man in Memphis.
A man with male-pattern baldness ain’t the blues. A woman with male-pattern baldness is.
You can’t wear a suit, unless you’re an old Black man in an old black suit.
Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes if you shot a man in Memphis, you’re blind, you’re older than dirt, you can never be satisfied, and your first name is a southern state (like Georgia). No if the man in Memphis lived, your blindness got cured, you’re deaf, you have all your teeth, or you have a trust fund or IRA.
The blues aren’t about color, they’re about bad luck. Ugly old white people can sing the blues. Julio Iglesias and Barbra Streisand will never sing the blues.
I don’t care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you can’t sing the blues. You’d best destroy it, with a fire, shotgun, spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or your big-ass woman just sits on it.
If you can read, that’s a big problem too. Most folks singin’ the blues never had much chance for education. In the blues, the 3 R’s are Railroads, Runnin’, and Rehab.
Singer’s name Excellent names for blues singers?
Female: Sadie, Big Momma, Bessie, and Fat River Dumpling.
Male: Joe, Willie, Little Willie, Big Willie, and Lightning.
But singers named Muffy, Sierra, Auburn, Alexis, Gwenyth, Sequoiz, Brittany, or Rainbow aren’t allowed to sign the blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
Here’s how to build your own blues-singer name. Start with a physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, Asthmatic), then a traditional name (from the list above) or fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi), then a U.S. president’s last name (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore). Examples: Blind Lime Jefferson, Cripple Kiwi Fillmore. Okay, maybe not Kiwi.
Drinks If you ask for water but baby gives you gasoline, it’s the blues. Other acceptable blues beverages are wine, whiskey, beer, black coffee, and muddy water. Not mixed drinks, sparkling water, kosher wine, Snapple, Starbucks Frappuccino, or Slim Fast.
Food Rubber Biscuits and the Wish Sandwich are famous blues snacks, but better stick to common blues grub: greasy barbecue, fatback & beans, and government cheese. Not club sandwiches, sushi, or crème brûlée.
Colors These colors don’t belong in the blues: violet, beige, mauve (unless you’re truly desperate for a rhyme).
Disasters Breaking your leg while skiing ain’t the blues. Breaking your leg when your broken-down pickup truck rolled over on it is.
Blues death occurs in a cheap motel or shotgun shack, or when stabbed in the back by a jealous lover, or from substance abuse or electric chair or denied treatment in an emergency room. It’s not a blues death to die during liposuction or from tennis elbow.
The blues aren’t about limitless choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain’t no way out.
Final thoughts If none of those suggestions works, try one last, pathetic stab at authenticity: name your guitar. (But remember: “Lucille” is taken.)
Epitaph on a blues musician’s tombstone: “I didn’t wake up this morning.”
Composer insults
Composers like to insult each other.
Tit for tat A composer who criticizes can get criticized back.
Rossini on Wagner’s Lohengrin:
One can’t judge Wagner’s opera Lohengrin after a first hearing, and I certainly don’t intend hearing it a second time.
Beethoven on Rossini:
Opera seria is ill-suited to the Italians. You don’t know how to deal with real drama.
Vaughan Williams on Mahler:
A very tolerable imitation of a composer.
Copland on Vaughan Williams:
Listening to Vaughan William’s 5th symphony is like staring at a cow for 45 minutes.
Berlioz on Handel:
A great barrel of pork and beer.
Mendelssohn on Berlioz:
Indifferent drivel, mere grunting, shouting, and screaming back & forth.
Stravinsky on Messiaen:
All you need to write like him is a big bottle of ink.
Stravinsky on Rachmaninov:
He was a 6½-foot scowl.
Prokofiev on Stravinsky:
Bach on the wrong notes.
Britten on Stravinsky’s The Rake’s Progress:
I liked the opera very much. Everything but the music.
Brahms on Liszt:
The compositions are getting more and more terrible. My fingers often itch to pick an argument and write anti-Liszt.
Tchaikovsky on Brahms:
Brahms is just some chaotic and utterly empty wasteland.
More dumps on Wagner & Liszt Bizet on Wagner:
He’s endowed with such insolent conceit that criticism can’t touch his heart — admitting he has a heart, which I doubt.
Schumann on Wagner:
He can’t write or think out 44 consecutive bars of beautiful or even good music.
Schumann’s wife (pianist Clara Schumann) on Liszt:
That’s just meaningless noise — not a single healthy idea anymore, everything confused. A clear harmonic progression is not to be found here any longer.
Dumps on Debussy Saint-Saëns on Debussy:
He cultivated an absence of style, logic, and common sense.
Louis Schneider on Debussy’s La Mer:
The audience is expecting an ocean — something big, something colossal — but they were served instead some agitated water in a saucer.
Dumps beyond Tchaikovsky on Borodin:
He can’t compose a single line without somebody’s help.
Schoenberg on Strauss:
The expressions he uses are as banal as a cheap song.
Fauré on Ravel’s string quartet in F major:
Truncated, ill-balanced, and in a nutshell, a failure.
Photos of all those composers, with sources of those quotes, are at:
cmuse.org/harshest-composer-on-composer-insults-in-classical-music
Switched classics
Classics are meant to be changed.
Railroad This classic song begins innocently enough —
I’ve been working on the railroad,
All the live-long day.
I’ve been working on the railroad
Just to pass the time away.
Can’t you hear the whistle blowing?
Rise up early in the morn.
Can’t you hear the captain shouting,
“Dinah, blow your horn!”
Dinah, won’t you blow?
Dinah, won’t you blow your horn?
But then it suddenly switches “Dinah” from being a locomotive to being a black maid:
Someone’s in the kitchen with Dinah!
Someone’s in the kitchen, I know!
Someone’s in the kitchen with Dinah,
Strumming on the old banjo.
A detailed history of how that song developed and switched “Dinah” is at:
wikipedia.org/wiki/I%27ve_Been_Working_on_the_Railroad
Clementine The classic “Clementine” song has these verses:
In a cavern in a canyon, excavating for a mine,
Lived a miner (49’er) and his daughter, Clementine.
Light she was and like a fairy, and her shoes were #9.
Herring box-es without tops-es sandals were for Clementine.
Drove her ducklings to the water ev’ry morning just at 9.
Hit her foot against a splinter, fell into the foaming brine.
Ruby libs above the water, blowing bubbles soft and fine!
But alas, I was no swimmer, so I lost my Clementine.
But cynics added this verse:
How I missed her! How I missed her! How I missed my Clementine!
But I kissed her little sister. I forgot my Clementine.
Then I added some more:
Sister gladly to me married. Then she found in 9 months’ time
A nice daughter. As we oughta, named the daughter “Clementine.”
There’s our daughter in the water. Suddenly, she gives a wail
At some red-stained herring boxes. Now I’m sitting here in jail.
In my dreams she still doth haunt me, robed in garments soaked in brine.
Once I wooed her. Now a loser singing songs while doing time!
Lamb Another classic song begins:
Mary had a little lamb.
But in English, that line could have 3 meanings.
The song means “Mary had a pet lamb,” but an alternative meaning is “Mary ate some lamb,” so I wrote this poem:
Mary had a little lamb
’Cause Jewish girls can’t eat no ham.
If Mary were a Hindu now,
Mary couldn’t eat no cow.
All religions: fine and dandy,
Even dentist’s: “Eat no candy!”
Mom’s religion makes me shiver.
That’s why mine says: “Mom, no liver!”
A third meaning is “Mary was pregnant, and her child was a lamb,” so cynics write:
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor was surprised.
Mary Sawyer claimed the original song was based on a true event: in Massachusetts in the 1800’s, she tried to take a lamb to school, but the teacher made her remove the lamb from the classroom. Details are at:
TheVintagenews.com/2019/01/17/mary-had-a-little-lamb/wikipedia.org/wiki/
Mary_Had_a_Little_Lamb
Scrambled eggs Here are the original words to a famous song:
Scrambled eggs!
Oh my baby, how I love your legs,
Not as much as I love scrambled eggs!
According to Paul McCartney of the Beatles, those were the original words to the song that’s now called “Yesterday.” Later he changed the words to:
Yesterday
All my troubles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though they’re here to stay.
He changed the words because “yesterday” rhymes with more words than “eggs.”
Pandemic In 2020, the world was hit by a coronavirus called Covid-19. To avoid spreading the virus farther, people were told to avoid big crowds and just stay at home, except for trips to buy food, after which people were told to wash their hands.
To create fun from the disaster, parodies were written of famous songs.
At baseball games, folks used to sing this famous song:
Take me out to the ball game.
Take me out with the crowd!
Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack.
I don’t care if I never get back.
Let me root, root, root for the home team.
If they don’t win, it’s a shame.
For it’s 1, 2, 3 and you’re out
At the old ball game!
When the government told people to avoid ballgames (because coronavirus spreads among crowds), I wrote this updated version:
Take me out of the bawl game.
Take me out from the crowd.
Mail-order peanuts and Cracker Jacks.
I don’t care if I ever get hacked.
Let me root, root, root for the home team.
If they can’t play, it’s a shame.
For it’s 1, 2, 3 struck. Then cancel
The old ball game!
The song that made the Beatles famous begins this way:
I Want To Hold Your Hand!
Oh, yeah! I tell you somethin’. I think you’ll understand
When I say that somethin’: “I want to hold your hand!”
I want to hold your hand!
Oh, please! Say to me you’ll let me be your man,
And please say to me you’ll let me hold your hand.
I want to hold your hand!
And when I touch you I feel happy inside.
It’s such a feelin’ that my love I can’t hide!
I can’t hide! I can’t hide!
The Internet contributed this parody:
I Gotta Wash My Hands!
Oh, yeah! I touched that somethin’. I think you understand:
Now I need a scrubbin’. I gotta wash my hands.
I gotta wash my hands!
Don’t sneeze next to me. Watch where those droplets land.
To freeze this disease, I gotta wash my hands.
I gotta wash my hands!
’Cause if I catch it I’ll feel crappy inside.
I even want my latex gloves sanitized!
Sanitized! Sanitized!
Hear & see it at
YouTube.com/watch?v= OxOJ7hh3H-I
This song is from The Sound of Music (the musical written by Richard Rogers and starring Julie Andrews):
My Favorite Things
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens,
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens,
Brown paper packages tied up with strings —
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cream-colored ponies and crisp apple strudels,
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles,
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings —
These are a few of my favorite things.
Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes,
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes,
Silver-white winters that melt into springs —
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the dog bites, when the bee stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
The Internet contributed a parody, which you can hear & see at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=1aAnPFeo11s
I’ve edited it further here:
My Favorite Things
Watching old movies and raiding the kitchen!
Browsing online, I can fuel my addiction.
Staying in bed, having no alarms ring!
Nothing to do: that’s my favorite thing!
Who can be lonely? With Netflix, there’s oodles!
Stuffing my face with chips, lollies, and noodles!
Wild parties, singing, and living like kings!
Being in lockdown’s my favorite thing!
Play Grand Theft Auto with guns and car crashes.
Not doing makeup or curling eyelashes!
We hate corona and all that it brings,
But “stay at home” is my favorite thing!
Lazy long nights! Days not working!
Home is not too bad.
I simply do all of my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so sad.
Food stops, and dozes, and dressing-down fashion,
Hours of keeping up with the Kardashians,
Using House Party and having a fling!
Self-isolation’s my favorite thing!
Not caring whether it’s Monday or Friday,
Ev’ry day’s special, ’cause ev’ry day’s my day,
Not shaving my legs, not curling my hair!
Showers? Who needs them? I don’t have to care!
Not getting dressed! I stay in my pajamas,
Happily laughing at old workplace dramas.
We need vaccine just as soon as can be,
But until then, this is perfect for me!
Rhyme-surprise songs
These classic songs have rhymes that are surprises. You’re invited to invent extra verses: do it yourself!
You Can’t Get To Heaven
Chorus:
I ain’t gonna grieve my Lord no more!
I ain’t gonna grieve my Lord no more!
I ain’t gonna grieve my Lord no more!
Famous verses:
You can’t get to heaven by driving a car,
Because a car can’t go that far.
You can’t get to heaven by taking a train,
Because a train comes back again.
You can’t get to heaven by taking a jet,
’Cause the Lord ain’t got no runways yet.
You can’t get to heaven in a ping-pong ball,
’Cause a ping-pong ball is way too small.
You can’t get to heaven with a pot of gold,
’Cause nothing there is bought & sold.
You can’t get to heaven in a Kleenex box,
’Cause the Lord don’t like no dirty snots.
You can’t get to heaven with powder & paint,
’Cause the Lord don’t want you as you ain’t.
You can’t get to heaven in your girlfriend’s bra,
Because her bra can’t stretch that fa’.
You can’t get to heaven on roller skates,
You’d roll right by those pearly gates.
You can’t get to heaven on roller skates,
Gotta work your way to the pearly gates.
You can’t get to heaven in a rocking chair,
’Cause a rocking chair won’t go nowhere.
You can’t get to heaven in electric chair,
’Cause the Lord don’t take no fried meat there.
On one fine day — it won’t be long —
You’ll look for me, and I’ll be gone.
If you get to heaven before I do,
Just tell the Lord I’m coming too.
If you get to heaven before I do,
Just punch a hole and pull me through.
If I get to heaven before you do,
I’ll punch a hole and spit on you.
You can’t get to heaven by the way of the well,
Because a well leads straight to…
Water!
That’s all there is, Saint Peter said.
He shut the door. There is no more.
There’s one more thing I forgot to tell:
If you don’t go to heaven, you’ll go to…
Bed!
And that’s the end, Saint Peter said.
He closed the gates and went to bed!
Ain’t Gonna Rain No More
Chorus:
Ain’t gonna rain no more, no more!
Ain’t gonna rain no more!
How the heck can I wash my neck
If it ain’t gonna rain no more?
Famous verses:
A peanut sat on a railroad track.
Its heart was all aflutter.
Round the bend came the Number 10.
Toot-toot! Peanut butter!
A pig & hen went walking,
Just to stretch their legs.
From afar then came a car.
Honk-honk! Ham & eggs!
My gal lives in the mountains.
She’s awful shy & meek.
She always dresses in the dark
Because the mountains peek.
A girl lay by a sewer,
And by the sewer died.
They couldn’t call it murder
So called it “sewer-side.”
My daddy is a doctor.
My mommy is a nurse.
And I’m the little needle
That gets you where it hurts.
My daddy built a chimney,
Built it oh so high,
Had to take it down each night
To let the moon go by.
Butterfly has wings of gold.
June bug? Wings of flame!
Bedbug has no wings at all,
Gets there just the same.
Mosquito she flies high,
Mosquito she flies low.
But if mosquito touches me,
She won’t fly no mo’.
When Mr. Noah built the ark,
He said it was his duty
To save the beasts & birds & bugs.
But why’d he save the cootie?
The chicken is a wondrous bird,
The Baptist preacher said:
We eat him both before he’s born
And after he is dead.
While boating, never quarrel:
You’ll find without a doubt,
A boat is not the proper place
To have a falling out.
Some people say all fleas are black;
But I know that ain’t so,
’Cause Mary had a little lamb
With fleas as white as snow.
Mary had a little lamb.
Her daddy shot it dead.
Still, Mary takes it off to school,
But on a slice of bread.
Mary had a little lamb,
So goes the tale of yore.
She loved that little lamb so much
She passed the plate for more.
Peter was a rabbit.
A rabbit he’s no more,
For what he thought was rabbit hole
Was hole in outhouse floor.
My uncle was a chemist.
A chemist he’s no more,
’Cause what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4.
Mary had a little watch.
She swallowed it one day.
Now all she drinks is castor oil,
To pass the time away.
Mary had a little lamb
And fed it very well.
One day she fed it dynamite
And blew it all to…
Whoa!
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor was surprised.
When old MacDonald has a farm,
Doc can’t believe his eyes!
Mary had a little Ford.
She liked it very well.
She drove into a phone pole,
And now it looks like…
Rain.
Mary had a steamboat.
The steamboat had a bell.
Mary went to heaven.
The steamboat went to…
Toot-toot!
Of all the fishes in the sea,
My favorite’s the bass.
He climbs upon the seaweed trees
And slides down on his…
Hands & knees.
I hope I’m not misleading.
I’ve tried to make it plain
That even though your skies are dark
It isn’t gonna rain.
It isn’t going to rain anymore, anymore.
It isn’t going to rain anymore.
That grammar’s good but what a bore,
So sing it like before.
That song is quite old. A version was recorded in 1923, based on versions that were even older.
Mind-rhyme songs
In the following song, each verse wants to end with the dirty
word “shit,” but it’s censored to become “shaving cream” instead. It’s an
example of a
mind rhyme,
where your mind says “shit” though the singer never mentions that word:
Shaving Cream
I have a sad story to tell you.
It may hurt your feelings a bit.
Last night as I entered my bathroom,
I stepped in a big pile of...
Shhh-aving cream. Be nice and clean:
Shave every day and you'll always look keen.
I think I’ll break up with my girlfriend.
Her antics are queer, I’ll admit.
Each time I say, “Darling, I love you,”
She tells me that I’m full of...
Shhh-aving cream. Be nice and clean:
Shave every day and you'll always look keen.
Our baby fell out of the window.
You’d think that her head would be split,
But good luck was with her that morning:
She fell in a barrel of...
Shhh-aving cream. Be nice and clean:
Shave every day and you'll always look keen.
An old lady died in a bathtub.
She died from a terrible fit.
In order to fulfill her wishes,
She was buried in 6 feet of...
Shhh-aving cream. Be nice and clean:
Shave every day and you'll always look keen.
When I was in France with the army,
One day I looked inside my kit.
I thought I would find me a sandwich,
But the darn thing was loaded with...
Shhh-aving cream. Be nice and clean:
Shave every day and you'll always look keen.
And now, folks, my story has ended.
I think it is time I should quit.
If any of you feel offended,
Push your head in a bucket of...
Shhh-aving cream. Be nice and clean:
Shave every day and you'll always look keen.
That song was written in 1946 by Benny Bell and originally sung by “Paul Wynn” (whose real name was Phil Winston), whom you can hear here:
youtube.com/watch?v=G8ffkDf0ol4
Second-story window This elementary song is popular among elementary-school kids, especially Cub Scouts and Brownies. Just take any nursery rhyme you remember and change its ending to “threw it out the window,” to make the song naughty:
Second-story Window
Chorus:
The window, the second-story window!
Throw it low or throw it high,
But throw it out the window!
Classic verses:
Mary had a little lamb.
Its fleece was white as snow,
And everywhere that Mary went
She threw it out the window.
Humpty-Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty-Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Threw it out the window.
Little Jack Horner sat in a corner,
Eating his Christmas pie.
He stuck in his thumb, and pulled out a plum,
And threw it out the window.
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she got there, the cupboard was bare.
She threw dog out the window.
There was an old lady
Who lived in a shoe,
Had so many kids
She threw them out the window.
Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he.
He called for his pipe and called for his bowl
And threw them out the window.
Jack & Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown.
Jill threw him out the window.
Hey, diddle-diddle, the cat & the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed to see such sport
And threw them out the window.
Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
And doesn’t know where to find them.
Leave them alone, and they’ll come home.
Then throw them out the window.
A tisket, a tasket,
A green & yellow basket.
I wrote a letter to my love
And threw it out the window.
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet,
Eating her curds & whey,
Along came a spider, who sat down beside her.
She threw it out the window.
Modern verses (by Russ)
Donald Trump sat on his rump
Hatching another tweet.
But then the court said to abort
And throw it out the window.
From Mexico come folks we know.
They try to cross the border.
But Trump gave an order to stop that disorder
And throw them out that window.
Cigarettes are bad for you
And so is vaping, too.
We recently knew your health they screw,
So throw them out the window.
But please don’t litter.
This chorus is more sophisticated:
The window, the second-story window.
[Then repeat the verse’s last 2 lines.]
For example, here’s the sophisticated chorus after the “Mary had a little lamb” verse:
The window, the second-story window!
And everywhere that Mary went
She threw it out the window.
Sweet violets This mind-rhyme song is the most polished:
Sweet Violets
There once was a farmer who took a young miss
In back of the barn where he gave her a…
Lecture on horses & chickens & eggs
And told her that she had such beautiful…
Manners that suited a girl of her charms,
A girl that he wanted to take in his…
Washing & ironing; then if she did,
The two could get married and raise lots of…
Sweet violets, sweeter than the roses,
Covered all over from head to toe,
Covered all over with sweet violets.
The girl told the farmer that he’d better stop.
Then she called her father, and he called a…
Taxi, and so he arrived before long,
’Cause someone was doing his little girl…
Right for a change and so that’s why he said,
“If you marry her, you are better off…
Single, I tell you, ’cause it’s my belief
That marriage will bring a man nothing but…
Sweet violets, sweeter than the roses,
Covered all over from head to toe,
Covered all over with sweet violets.”
The farmer decided he’d wed anyway
And started to plan for his nice wedding…
Suit, which he managed to get for one buck.
But then he found out he was just out of…
Money, and so he was left in the lurch,
Just standing & waiting in front of the…
End of the story, which just goes to show:
That all a girl wants from a man is his…
Sweet violets, sweeter than the roses,
Covered all over from head to toe,
Covered all over with sweet violets.
In that song, the 12 missing words are all clean:
kiss, legs, arms, kids, cop, wrong, dead, grief, day, luck, church, dough
They’re all part of popular clichés.
The chorus was written in 1882. The verses came later, popularized when Dinah Shore sung it in 1951, using an arrangement by Cy Coben & Charles Grean. Hear her sing it at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=LtnLvrmyh3E
For more fun, see Dorothy Collins sing it on TV in 1951 at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=5BVohLI7Syc
See it at as a nice duet, sung by “Molasses Creek” at:
YouTube.com/watch?v= P41Hr4WzW8
Many other versions of “Sweet Violets” were written before & after Dinah Shore’s, most of them obscene. Here’s the best obscene version, sung by “The Naughty Nymphs”:
There once was a farmer who lived on the rocks,
Who watched little boys as they played with their…
Marbles & toys as in days of old yore.
And for a companion he had a young…
Maiden who laid right down there in the grass.
She said that she’d show him the shape of her…
Sweet violets, sweeter than the roses,
Covered all over from head to toe,
With sweet violets.
The farmer was happy with all of his luck,
For she claimed she’d show him a new way to…
Bring in the children and teach them to knit,
For boys in the barnyard are shoveling…
Hay from the stables and filling the rick.
He said that he’d show her the length of his…
Long middle finger, which pained him a lot.
To soothe it he stuck it right into her…
Sweet violets, sweeter than the roses,
Covered all over from head to toe,
With sweet violets.
The farmer then left her and went off to hunt.
He said, “While I’m gone take good care of your…
Little pet rabbits which play in the grass.
And when I get home, I shall get me some…
Sweet violets, sweeter than the roses,
Covered all over from head to toe,
With sweet violets.”
In that version, the 9 missing words are all dirty:
cocks, whore, ass,fuck, shit, dick, twat, cunt, ass
Hear it at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=1Dk83DYRgp0
(That’s the number 1, not a small L.)
Instead of wasting time by singing a chorus about “sweet violets,” this version squeezes in the most dirty words:
There was an old farmer who lived by a rock.
He sat in the meadow while shaking his…
Fist at some boys as they played by the crick,
Their feet in the water, their hands on their…
Marbles and playthings. And in days of yore,
There came a young lady. She looked like a…
Pretty young creature. She sat on the grass.
She pulled up her dresses and showed off her…
Ruffles and laces and white fluffy duck.
She said she was learning a new way to…
Bring up her children, and teach them to knit,
While boys in the barnyard were shoveling…
Refuse and litter from yesterday’s hunt,
While girl in the meadow was rubbing her…
Eyes at the fellows, as girls sometimes do,
To make it quite clear that she wanted to…
Go for a nice, pleasant stroll on the grass
And hurry back home for a nice piece of…
Ice cream and cake that was 3 layers tall.
And after dessert, she was ready to…
Go for another walk down by the dock
With any young man with a sizable…
Roll of one hundreds and big bulge up front.
If he’d ask politely, she’d show him her…
Little pet dog who was subject to fits.
Then maybe she’d let him get hold of her…
Small tender hands, with a movement so quick.
Then she’d bend on over and suck on his…
Soda, so sweetly, till she finished it,
Then pull down her panties, to rub on her…
Hip that she bruised when she ran down the halls,
’Cause he tried to force her to lick on his…
Candy, so tasty, made of butterscotch.
And then he spread whipped cream all over her…
Cookies that she had been making all night.
If you think this dirty, you’re fucking well right!
In that version, the 17 missing words are all dirty:
cock, dick, whore, ass, fuck, shit, cunt, screw, ass, ball, cock, cunt, tits, dick, clit, balls, crotch
Hear it sung by Bird & Macdonald at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=RgvihRmyd5o
Polka-dot undies This mind-rhyme song praises underwear instead of violets:
Polka-dot Undies
I went for a drive in my nice pickup truck.
I picked up my girl, ’cause I wanted to…
Show her my gloves, ’cause she had on her mitts,
Then I blushed so bright when she showed me her…
Fancy perfume she buys when Avon calls.
I took off my pants, and I showed her my…
Polka-dot undies!
My polka-dot undies from Miracle Mart!
I said, “Look, be careful, I think I will…
Turn a sharp corner and go up on grass.”
She leaned out the window, and I saw her…
Pointing to something that flashed by real quick.
She said, “Hey, see that! It looks just like your…
Polka-dot undies!”
My polka-dot undies I wear back-to-front.
She smiled and she asked, “Have you seen my nice…
Brother’s new car? It’s the one that he stole.”
Then told me to go ahead, look up her…
Whole damn big family. I got a shock:
I found out her sister just really liked…
Polka-dot undies!
I took her to dinner. But she was quite firm:
She'd swallow most anything, ’cept for my…
Stories her brother disliked all the birds
But hung around bars, and he liked to eat…
Fish & chips, and he still sucked on his thumb.
When I said, “I don’t mind,” she kissed on my…
Polka-dot undies!
This story’s fine moral, a jewel it is gleamin’.
But you’ll never find in a glass of warm…
Milk or tea. No, ’cause it never will fit,
And you probably think I am just full of…
Big innuendos and double-meant rhyme.
But I’ll say obscenity’s just in your…
Polka-dot undies!
In that song, the 15 missing words are all dirty (except the final word):
fuck, tits, balls, fart, ass, dick, cunt, hole, cock, sperm, turds, bum, semen, shit, mind
You’ve been reading my slightly improved version. The original was written by Bowser & Blue in 1986 and graphically videotaped by them later at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=RRSnND5rknY
Movies
Movies affect and distort our sense of reality. Here are some bizarre examples.
Extreme movies
To make your life more bizarre, watch these extreme movies:
Movie What it’s best at Year Award
Romance movies
The Philadelphia Story best wedding movie about choosing the groom 1940 8
Casablanca best movie about a past love 1942 8 A
The Seven Year Itch best movie about being seduced by a neighbor 1955 7
The Bridges of Madison County best movie about a fling 1995 8
Lost-soul movies
It’s a Wonderful Life best movie about avoiding suicide 1946 9
Cast Away best movie about being lost on an island 2000 8
The Artist best movie about being jazzily silent 2011 8 A
Coming-of-age movies
The Last Picture Show best movie about growing up in Texas 1971 8
American Graffiti best movie about growing up in California 1973 8
Big best movie about finding your inner child 1988 7
Gross-comedy movies
Animal House best movie about college pranks 1978 8
There’s Something About Mary best movie about peeking at women 1998 7
Sinister movies
Citizen Kane best movie about losing your principles 1941 8
A Clockwork Orange best movie about British thugs 1971 8
The Truman Show best movie about having your privacy invaded 1998 8
Horror movies
Jaws best horror movie about teeth, water, sharks 1975 8
The Shining best horror movie about the effects of snow 1980 8
The Cook, Thief, Wife, Lover best horror movie about a restaurant 1989 8
Popular-music movies
Gold Diggers of 1933 only musical where the star sings in Pig Latin 1933 7
42nd Street best musical about impossible stage shows 1933 8
The Wizard of Oz best musical about escaping from Kansas 1939 8
Holiday Inn best musical about falling in love on holidays 1942 8
South Pacific best musical about falling in love with foreigners 1958 7
The Music Man best musical about salesmanship 1962 8
My Fair Lady best musical about how to speak properly 1964 8 A
Cabaret best musical about Nazi Germany 1972 8
Chicago best musical about daydreaming 2002 7 A
Classical-music movies
The Competition best movie about a piano contest 1980 7
Amadeus best movie about how Mozart was crazy 1984 8 A
Crazy-Jew movies
Annie Hall best Jewish movie about being in love 1977 8 A
Deconstructing Harry best Jewish movie about being old and confused 1997 7
Life is Beautiful best Jewish movie about laughing at death 1997 9
Illustrated-issue movies
The Long Walk Home best tale about desegregating Alabama 1990 7
Not One Less best tale about school in rural China 1999 8
MadTV’s parody of “The Wizard of Oz” is at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=6exm2Hi28Xw
The best way to learn about movies is to visit the Internet Movie Database (IMDb.com). That Web site lets people rate how much they liked movies they saw, on a scale of 1 to 10. In the Award column, I show the movie’s weighted-average score (which is computed by the Web site in a way to avoid vote stuffing). In the Award column, an “A” means “won the Academy Award’s Oscar for Best Picture that year.”
If you try to get one of those movies, make sure you get the correct year. Other movies with similar titles from other years are worse.
Popularity contests
On the Internet
Movie Database (IMDb.com), no movie’s average score is 10.
(That’s because, no matter how great a movie is, there are still some people
who hate it.) Here are the 51 movies whose average score is 9;
voters consider these the
best movies to watch:
Year Movies that are still rated 9
1931 City Lights
1936 Modern Times
1942 Casablanca
1946 It’s a Wonderful Life
1954 7 Samurai, Rear Window
1957 12 Angry Men
1960 Psycho
1962 Hara-Kiri
1966 The Good the Bad and the Ugly
1968 Once Upon a Time in the West
1972 The Godfather
1974 The Godfather part 2
1975 One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
1977 Star Wars a New Hope
1980 Star Wars the Empire Strikes Back
1985 Back to the Future
1988 Grave of the Fireflies, Cinema Paradiso
1990 Goodfellas
1991 The Silence of the Lambs, Terminator 2
1993 Schindler’s List
1994 Pulp Fiction, The Lion King, Forrest Gump,
Shawshank Redemption, Léon Professional
1995 The Usual Suspects, Se7en
1997 Life is Beautiful
1998 American History X, Saving Private Ryan
1999 The Matrix, Fight Club, The Green Mile
2000 Gladiator
2001 Spirited Away, Lord of Rings Fellowship
2002 City of God, Pianist, Lord of Rings 2 Towers
2003 Lord of Rings the Return of the King
2006 The Departed, The Prestige
2008 The Dark Knight
2010 Inception
2011 The Intouchables
2014 Whiplash, Interstellar
2019 Parasite
Some of those movies are old. Some are lowbrow. Some are immoral. Some are confusing. All are memorable. Most are American (because most of the voters are American). 1994 was the best year: it produced 5 top-rated movies!
In 2012, the British Film Institute asked 358 famous movie directors, from around the world, to each list the 10 greatest movies of all time. The directors tended to pick old classic movies that inspired their own work. These 10 movies were mentioned the most often:
Year Movie Director Country
1941 Citizen Kane Welles USA
1948 The Bicycle Thief De Sica Italy
1953 Tokyo Story Yasujiro Japan
1958 Vertigo Hitchcock USA
1963 8½ Fellini Italy
1968 2001 Space Odyssey Kubrick USA
1972 The Godfather Coppola USA
1974 Mirror Tarkovsky Russia
1976 Taxi Driver Scorsese USA
1979 Apocalypse Now Coppola USA
The British Film Institute also asked 846 movie deciders (critics, academics, distributors, and programmers), from around the world, to each list the 10 greatest movies of all time. The deciders tended to pick old classic movies that performed bold experiments. These 20 movies were mentioned the most often:
Year Movie Director Country
1925 Battleship Potemkin Eisenstein Russia
1927 Sunrise Murnau USA
1928 Passion of Joan of Arc Dreyer France
1929 Man with Movie Camera Vertov Russia
1934 L’Atalante Vigo France
1939 Rules of the Game Renoir France
1941 Citizen Kane Welles USA
1949 Late Spring Yasujiro Japan
1951 Singin’ in the Rain Donen/Kelly USA
1953 Tokyo Story Yasujiro Japan
1954 Seven Samurai Kurosawa Japan
1956 The Searchers Ford USA
1958 Vertigo Hitchcock USA
1960 Breathless Godard France
1963 8½ Fellini Italy
1966 Au Hasard Balthazar Bresson France
1966 Persona Bergman Sweden
1968 2001 Space Odyssey Kubrick USA
1974 Mirror Tarkovsky Russia
1979 Apocalypse Now Coppola USA
How to be an actor
George Burns said:
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
Edward G. Robinson said:
The sitting around on the set is awful. But I always figure that's what they pay me for. The acting I do for free.
Alfred Hitchcock said:
When an actor comes to me and wants to discuss his character, I say “It’s in the script.” If he says “But what’s my motivation?” I say “Your salary.”
Stage names
If you don’t like the name your mom gave you at birth (your birth name), replace it with a stage name that’s more appealing, as done by these actors —
Stage name His birth name
Albert Brooks Albert Lawrence Einstein
Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt
Buddy Hackett Leonard Hacker
Cary Grant Archibald Alexander Leach
Charles Bronson Charles Buchinsky
Charlie Sheen Carlos Irwin Estévez
Chevy Chase Cornelius Crane Chase
Chico Marx Leonard Marx
Chuck Norris Carlos Ray
Douglas Fairbanks Douglas Elton Thomas Ullman
Edward G. Robinson Emanuel Goldenberg
Fred Astaire Frederick Austerlitz II
Gene Wilder Jerome Silberman
George Burns Nat Birnbaum
Groucho Marx Julius Henry Marx
Harpo Marx Adolph Marx
Jack Benny Benjamin Kubelsky
Jerry Lewis Joseph Levitch
John Wayne Marion Robert Morrison
Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch
Louis C.K. Louis Székely
Martin Sheen Ramón Gerardo Antonio Estévez
Mel Brooks Melvin Kaminsky
Michael Caine Maurice Joseph Micklewhite, Jr.
Michael Keaton Michael John Douglas
Nicolas Cage Nicolas Kim Coppola
Omar Sharif Michel Demitri Shalhoub
Peter Lorre László Löwenstein
Phil Silvers Philip Silversmith
Red Buttons Aaron Chwatt
Redd Fox John Elroy Sanford
Rock Hudson Leroy Harold Scherer, Jr.
Rodney Dangerfield Jacob Rodney Cohen
Roy Rogers Leonard Franklin Slye
Stan Laurel Arthur Stanley Jefferson
Tim Allen Timothy Alan Dick
Tom Cruise Thomas Cruise Mapother IV
Tony Curtis Bernard Herschel Schwartz
Vin Diesel Mark Sinclair
W.C. Fields William Claude Dukenfield
Woody Allen Allan Stewart Konigsberg
Yves Montand Ivo Livi
these actresses —
Stage name Her birth name
Anne Bancroft Anne Italiano
Bea Arthur Bernice Frankel
Diane Keaton Diane Hall
Doris Day Doris Mary Ann Kappelhoff
Greta Garbo Greta Lovisa Gustafsson
Helen Mirren Helen Lydia Mironoff
Judy Garland Frances Ethel Gumm
Joan Crawford Lucille Fay LeSueur
Lauren Bacall Betty Joan Perski
Marilyn Monroe Norma Jean Mortensen
Meg Ryan Margaret Mary Emily Hyra
Miley Cyrus Destiny Hope Cyrus
Mitzi Gaynor Francesca Marlene de Czanyi von Gerber
Natalie Portman Natalie Hershlag
Natalie Wood Natalia Nikolaevna Zakharenko
Raquel Welch Jo Raquel Tejada
Shelly Winters Shirley Schrift
Sophia Loren Sofia Villani Scicolone
Tina Fey Elizabeth Stamatina Fey
Whoopi Goldberg Caryn Elaine Johnson
these singers —
Stage name Birth name
Bing Crosby Harry Lillis Crosby
Bob Dylan Robert Allen Zimmerman
Bruno Mars Peter Gene Hernandez
Cher Cherilyn Sarkisian
Danny Kaye David Daniel Kaminsky
Dean Martin Dino Paul Crocetti
Dr. Dre Andre Romelle Young
Elton John Reginald Kenneth Dwight
Elvis Costello Declan Patrick MacManus
Eminem Marshall Bruce Mathers III
Ethel Merman Ethel Agnes Zimmermann
Fergie Stacy Ann Ferguson
Gene Simmons Chaim Witz
Iggy Pop James Newell Osterberg, Jr.
Jamie Foxx Eric Marlon Bishop
Jay-Z Shawn Corey Carter
John Denver Henry John Deutschendorf
Katy Perry Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson
Lady Gaga Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta
Lil Wayne Dwayne Michael Carter Jr.
Madonna Madonna Louise Ciccone
Meat Loaf Marvin Lee Aday
Miley Cyrus Destiny Hope Cyrus
Nicki Minaj Onika Tanya Maraj
Patti Page Clara Ann Fowler
Pink Alecia Beth Moore
Psy Park Jae-sang
Queen Latifa Dana Elaine Owens
Ringo Starr Richard Starkey
Rihanna Robyn Rihanna Fenty
Snoop Dogg Calvin Cordozar Broadus, Jr.
Stevie Wonder Stevland Hardaway Judkins
Tina Turner Anna Mae Bullock
50 Cent Curtis James Jackson III
these authors —
Pen name Birth name
Ayn Rand Alisa Zinov’yevna Rosenbaum
Dr. Seuss Theodor Seuss Geisel
George Eliot Mary Anne Evans
George Orwell Eric Arthur Blair
George Sand Amantine Lucile Aurore Dupin
Joseph Conrad Józef Teodor Konrad Korzeniowski
Lemony Snicket Daniel Handler
Lewis Carroll Charles Lutwidge Dodgson
Mark Twain Samuel Langhorne Clemens
O. Henry William Sydney Porter
Toni Morrison Chloe Ardelia Wofford
Voltaire François-Marie Arouet
these special talents —
Talent Stage name Birth name
golfer Tiger Woods Eldrick Tont Woods
gunslinger Annie Oakley Phoebe Ann Moses
magician Harry Houdini Erik Weisz
TV host Larry King Lawrence Harvey Zeiger
wrestler Hulk Hogan Terry Eugene Bollea
these U.S. presidents (whose names changed when their moms remarried) —
Political name Birth name
Bill Clinton William Jefferson Blyth III
Gerald Ford Leslie Lynch King, Jr.
and this First Lady (whose name changed when her mom remarried and changed again when she herself remarried):
Political name Birth name
Nancy Reagan Anne Frances Robbins
A long list of stage names is at:
http://en.WikiPedia.org/wiki/List_of_stage_names
Advice about how to invent a stage name for yourself is at:
WikiHow.com/Choose-a-Stage-Name
Movie clichés
Americans learn about life by watching TV and movies. Many movies distort reality by containing these clichés:
Fights
A bad guy’s first shot always misses. It just announces that a fight will begin.
A hero always gets shot in the shoulder.
Evil men are too stupid to shoot heroes in the face. Instead, they aim for the bulletproof vest.
Even the thinnest piece of wood will shield you from all bullets.
When one man shoots at 20 men, he’s more likely to kill them all than when 20 men shoot at one.
In a swordfight, you must find stairs to fight on, so the loser can roll down them to die at the bottom.
In a swordfight, jump up on a table. When the villain swipes at your legs, just hop over his blade.
When women fight, they pull hair, fall to the ground together, and roll over twice.
In a martial-arts fight, enemies surrounding you will wait patiently for you to kill them one-by-one.
A hero becomes invulnerable when he takes his shirt off.
When a villain captures you to kill, he kindly pauses for 5 minutes to tell you his life’s plans.
Wars
Every army platoon includes a black guy who can play the harmonica.
You’ll survive the battle unless you show someone a photo of your sweetheart back home.
The person with the most plans, prospects, and hopes will die.
During an artillery barrage, a kid or dog can safely wander around, but half the soldiers will die.
Escape
Every time bomb has a big red readout that shows how many seconds remain.
While a bad guy chases you, he kindly pauses to throw objects you can jump over.
When terrified, a woman always sticks her fist in her mouth.
Every woman who tries to flee insists on wearing high heels.
When being chased by an evil man, a woman always stumbles to the ground, even if the terrain is level.
To help a woman flee, a man hugs his arm around her, though hugging slows both of them down.
A person chased to a staircase is always stupid enough to run upstairs, not down to exit the building.
Injuries
A hero shows no pain when beaten but winces when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
When you’re hit on the head and become unconscious, you never get a concussion or brain damage.
During a fight, a hero’s only facial injuries are on his right cheekbone and his mouth’s right corner.
A hero wipes blood from his mouth’s right corner with the back of his hand, then looks at it.
If a hero’s cheek gets injured, just put a Band-Aid on it, and it will heal completely by the next day.
Bibles, religious medals, and photos of loved ones stop bullets better than a bulletproof vest.
Dying
A good person dies only while friends are watching.
If a good person dies with eyes open, a friend will close them; but a villain’s eyes stay open forever.
If you’re dying, friends whisper lovingly to you or kiss you, instead of calling an ambulance.
If your friend is dying, try this cure: yell “You can’t do this to me — I love you!” and “Fight!”
Bedroom antics
Whenever strangers have sex, they reach intense, simultaneous orgasms on the first try.
During sex, all women leave their underwear on, and they moan but don’t sweat.
After sex, you never need Kleenex.
Every bed has a crooked sheet that covers up to a woman’s armpit but just to a man’s waist.
Whenever you wake up from a nightmare, you sit bolt upright and pant.
Every teenager’s bedroom window comes with a drainpipe strengthened to hold the kid’s weight.
Bathrooms
You can eat as much as you want and never need to go to the toilet.
When women wake up, they don’t need to go to the toilet, but women must shower frequently.
The best way to tell when a woman is pregnant is to wait for her to vomit.
Women never menstruate.
If several people are in a bathroom, one of them must tell a secret while they all face the mirror.
Kitchen antics
Kitchens have no light switches. At night, you must open the fridge door and use that light instead.
All shopping bags are paper, topped off with French bread & carrots, which spill onto the kitchen floor.
Families are too rushed to ever finish breakfast, so dad and the kids always dash out, upsetting mom.
Buildings
In Paris, all the windows face the Eiffel Tower.
In New York, nice people getting low-paying jobs all live in luxury apartments.
You can pick any lock with a credit card or paper clip, except when a kid behind the door is trapped in a fire.
All elevator shafts are clean and well-lit, to make sure heroes won’t get dirty or need flashlights.
Whenever you want an elevator, it’s already at your floor, unless you’re chased by an evil person.
Cars
When you drive to any building, you’ll always find a parking space in front.
When you try to cross the street, you’re delayed by traffic just if you’re in a rush.
In New York, you can safely leave your car unlocked. Even convertibles with tops down don’t get stolen.
Whenever you flee a villain, your car won’t start — at least not on the first try.
While driving, you can dodge bullets by ducking your head.
When hitting a parked car, a speeding car goes up in the air, but the parked car won’t even wiggle.
Every car chase through town will smash a fruit cart owned by a Greek, who’ll curse but stay unhurt.
When you want a taxi, you’ll get one immediately, except when you’re in danger.
To pay for a taxi, don’t bother looking at your wallet: the first bill you grab will be the exact amount.
Planes
Planes always depart on time and never require a boarding pass: just hop on.
If your plane contains a nun, it will crash.
You can land any plane easily if somebody in the control tower just tells you what to do.
Phones
You never need to look up phone numbers: you’ve memorized your whole city’s phone book.
Whenever the phone wakes you up, you must knock it to the floor before answering.
When you phone friends, you never need to say “hello” or “goodbye”: those courtesies take too long.
Music
Whatever you decide to sing, everyone around you already knows the tune & words and joins in.
If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into already knows all the steps.
You can play wind instruments and accordions without moving your fingers.
Alcohol
Since bars are never busy, bartenders just relax, chat, wash glasses, and flip bottles in the air.
Whenever a bar plays country music, a fight will break out.
At a bar, don’t bother saying which brand of beer you want: the bartender can always read your mind.
At the home of a friend who asks you “Want a drink?” say just “Yes”: don’t bother saying which type.
Strong whiskey makes a hero wince, wipe his mouth on his sleeve, then flash clenched teeth.
One swig of booze is enough to numb pain before the girl jabs a knife in your arm to remove a bullet.
When you have a hangover, putting an icepack on your head makes you become fun and not vomit.
Whenever you throw cold water or black coffee at a drunk, he’ll immediately get sober.
Relationships
In any pair of identical twins, one of them is evil — or both are evil.
During emotional confrontations, people always talk back-to-back instead of face-to-face.
A feminist spurns a macho hero until he rescues her from death. Then she becomes his docile slave.
After a feminist becomes docile, a macho hero always softens up and tells her his tragic past.
Appearance
High-powered female executives always wear miniskirts and 5-inch heels to work.
Women always apply makeup before going to bed. It stays intact all night and while scuba diving.
Even in prehistoric times, women always shaved their legs and armpits.
Medieval peasants all had filthy faces, tangled hair, ragged clothes, and perfect teeth.
Whenever you knock out someone and steal the person’s clothes, they fit you perfectly.
At night, everything turns blue.
When lightning appears, you hear its thunder instantly, and the rain starts then too.
Mexicans speak perfect English except they say Señor and Gracias instead of “Sir” and “Thank you.”
Eyeglasses
Action heroes never wear glasses.
Your glasses will never fog, even when you come in from the cold.
Little girls wearing glasses always tell the truth. Little boys wearing glasses always lie.
Investigations
If you’re a woman hearing a noise at night, you must investigate while wearing revealing underwear.
If you’re a woman hearing noises at home, your cat will jump at you before you get strangled.
If a killer lurks in your home, you can find him easily: just take a bath.
A light bulb burns out (or flickers) just if someone hides in that room and waits to jump on you.
Every police investigation requires a visit to a strip club.
A police detective can’t solve a tough case until he’s suspended from duty.
Dogs know which people are bad and bark at them.
Incriminating evidence will always be in the next-to-bottom drawer or in photo #4 of a stack.
To access a computer’s secret files, just type “ACCESS ALL THE SECRET FILES.”
If a hero kills lots of bad guys, police won’t question him about those murders.
For more info about movie clichés, see The Movie Clichés List (put onto the
Internet by Giancarlo Cairella at MovieCliches.com) and watch a video called
CineMassacre’s Top 10 Worst
Movie Clichés. That video is at:
YouTube.com/watch?v=PQWWFbaSch8
When you watch a TV broadcast of the news, you’re actually watching a video that’s full of clichés, illustrated at Charlie Brooker’s How to Report the News (YouTube.com/watch?v=aHun58mz3vI) and The Onion’s Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere (YouTube.com/watch?v=9U4Ha9HQvMo).