Here's part of the "Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living," copyright by Russ Walter, 31st edition. For newer info, read the 33rd edition at
Our country is run by lawyers, who make & analyze laws
requested by politicians,
who start wars.
Let’s peek at those lawyers, their politicians, and their wars.
Why do they call it “politics”? Because discussing it is the
fastest way to get Aunt Polly ticked.
If you’re young and not a
liberal, you haven’t got a heart.
But if you’re old and not
conservative, you haven’t got a brain!
That quote was attributed to Winston Churchill (Britain’s prime minister during World War 2), but according to his fans, there’s no record
he ever said it. That thought was expressed by many people, including a French
historian in the 1800’s. I call it the Conservative’s lament.
The lament is correct. Young people, forever optimistic,
believe that the world will be a beautiful place if you treat everybody kindly and liberally. Old people, who’ve
been mugged and cheated by many “nice-looking” people, become cynical.
For example, when President Jimmy Carter and I were young, we
both believed the Soviets would treat the rest of the world kindly if the rest
of the world would treat them kindly. But then the Soviets, without
provocation, invaded Afghanistan. I was disillusioned, and Jimmy Carter was
voted out of office.
When I was young, I believed that all people who claimed to be
poor should be given generous welfare benefits. But after I chatted with many
welfare recipients who used their money to eat in fancy restaurants, buy drugs,
and visit prostitutes, I grew more cynical about the needs of the “needy.”
Sure, there are members of society who are truly desperate and do need welfare
money; and sure, the rich have a moral obligation to give large sums of money
to the truly needy poor. But when I see the large percentage of welfare
recipients who abuse and even laugh at the system, I want to cry.
When the governor of Alabama, George Wallace, was young, he
ran for office on a platform of being nice to blacks. He even kissed black
babies. He lost the race. Then he changed his tune, became a cynical anti-black
segregationist, ran for office again, and — because he was a cynical
segregationist — won! Although I don’t recommend imitating him (since
segregation is immoral), his life proves one point: cynicism pays.
Why Democrats make me smile
Democrats tend to be liberal, and Republicans tend to be
conservative. But what is “liberal,” and what is “conservative”? What’s the
In 1974, Representative Craig Hosmer (Republican from California) published a funny list of differences in the Congressional Record. He got it
from a source that wished to remain anonymous. Several people tried updating
(or censoring) that list (especially Rowland Nethaway, senior editor of the Waco Texas Tribune-Herald, in 1998). Here’s my own attempt to update that list
Republicans raise dahlias,
Dalmatians, and eyebrows.
Democrats raise hell, kids, and
Democrats step on the bugs.
Republicans go fishing on
Democrats stay fishing at the
Democrats eat the fish they
Republicans hang them on the
Republicans grab financial
pages and love them.
Democrats grab financial pages
and shove them — into bird cages.
Republicans consume ¾ of
all rutabaga produced in this country.
Democrats throw out the rest.
Republicans follow the
plans their grandfathers made.
Democrats make up their own
plans — but ignore them.
Democrats take individual
delight in reading banned books.
Republicans form censorship
committees to read those books as groups.
Democrats give their
worn-out clothes to the less fortunate.
So do Republicans, who are
smarter and take the tax deduction.
The junk along the road was
thrown from car windows by Democrats,
but can’t be seen by
Republicans from the back of their limos.
Democrats name their kids
after athletes, entertainers, and politicians.
Republicans name their kids
after the richest ancestors.
Republicans close their
curtains at night — but needn’t bother.
Democrats leave their curtains
open — to amuse Republicans.
Republican boys date Democrat
They plan to marry Republican
girls but feel entitled to a little fun first.
Republicans sleep in twin
beds, often in separate rooms.
That’s why there are more
Recently, it’s become less true that most Republicans are rich
and most Democrats are poor. To predict how a person will vote, don’t ask about
the person’s income; instead, ask about church attendance: Protestant
“churchgoers” (who attend church at least once a week) tend to vote Republican.
Researchers have recently discovered an even more accurate way
to determine who’ll vote Republican: ask what kind of God the voter believes
in. If the voter believes God is vengeful (punishes sinners and other “bad
people”), the voter will probably vote Republican; if the voter believes God is
forgiving (like Jesus) or laissez-faire (he created the world but then left it
alone), the voter will probably vote Democrat.
According to Democrat analysts, Republicans believe government
should be like a stern father (tough police enforcement)
while Democrats believe government should be like a loving mother (kind
to the helpless). Why can’t we have both?
Obama’s good point
People are amazed that President Obama is our first
multiracial President. But I’m more amazed at something else: he’s the first President
who’s a caring, candid intellectual. Some other Presidents have been caring,
some have been candid, some have been intellectual, but Obama is the first
President that has all three qualities simultaneously.
I don’t agree with all his decisions, and I didn’t vote for
him in the primary — I voted for Bill Richardson instead — but I like Obama’s
style of getting there.
Adlai Stevenson’s lament
Adlai Stevenson was the brilliant egghead Democrat who ran for
President against Eisenhower but lost. He made this comment about politicians
and their speeches:
It’s often easier to fight for
one’s principles than live up to them.
Bush has been given the
outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a résumé and prepare
for his next job. According to Manpower, Bush may have difficulty securing a
new position, since his practical work experience is limited. A greeter
position at Wal-Mart was suggested because of his extensive hand-shaking experience
and phony smile.
Another possibility is his
re-enlistment in the Texas Air National Guard. If he chooses that option, he’d
likely be stationed in Texas for a month before being sent to Iraq, a country
he’s visited. “I've been there, I know all about Iraq,” said Bush, who gained
valuable knowledge of the country in a visit to Baghdad Airport’s terminal and
Sources in Baghdad say
Bush would get a warm reception from local Iraqis. They’ve asked for details of
his arrival so they can arrange an appropriately explosive welcome.
The original version of that bulletin was written by Melynda
Jill and posted at www.GodlessGeeks.com/outsourced.htm.
Politicians try to create an economic policy.
Ronald Reagan complained that the government’s economic policy
can be summed up in 3 sentences:
If it moves, tax it.
If it keeps moving, regulate
If it stops moving, subsidize
The first president to appoint a council of economic advisors
was Harry Truman. He enjoyed hearing what his council said, but he wished
they’d be more definitive.
He moaned, “Give
me a one-armed economist,” because he was tired of listening to
economists who gave reasonable advice followed by, “On the other hand…”
Here’s a tale from the Internet:
A surgeon, an architect,
and an economist were arguing about which profession was the most important and
The surgeon said, “God’s
a surgeon: the first thing He did was extract Eve from Adam’s rib.”
The architect said, “No,
God’s an architect: He built the world in 7 days out of chaos.”
The economist smiled,
“And who made the chaos?”
Economics courses often begin with this lecture:
In ancient times, a farmer had
2 cows. His neighbor had 2 chickens. The farmer wanted a chicken, so he
bartered with his neighbor: he’d swap one of his cows for the neighbor’s
chicken. Then each farmer could produce his own milk and eggs and was happy —
until the first farmer realized the cow-chicken swap ripped him off, since he
spent more labor raising the cow than the neighbor spent raising the chicken.
That’s why bartering is unfair and inadequate — and why currency was invented.
When the Internet was invented, folks started posting jokes
about how different types of governments and political beliefs would treat the
2-cow farmer differently. Here are examples:
Countries around the world
Russia: You have 2 cows. The government seizes both and produces
milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It’s expensive &sour.
Russia: You have 2 cows. You count them, realize you have 4,
drink more vodka, count the cows again, realize you have eleventy-six, drink
more vodka, and fall asleep. Upon waking, you realize eleventy isn’t a number.
You count the cows again and have 2 cows. You drink more vodka and try to drown
the loss of eleventy-four cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over your cows.
You have 2 cows. 300 people try milking them, so you claim full employment
& bovine productivity but arrest the reporter revealing the numbers.
You have 2 cows. You reengineer them so they’re a tenth as big and produce 20
times the milk. You teach them to travel on crowded trains, bow to each other,
and do well at cow school. You sell cow cartoons, called Cowkimon, worldwide.
2 Jewish cows open a milk factory and ice-cream store then sell the movie
rights and send their calves to Harvard to become doctors.
You have 2 cows but don’t know where they are. While looking for them, you see
a beautiful woman, so you break for lunch.
You have 2 cows but want 3, so you go on strike, eat lunch, and drink wine.
Life is good.
You charge for storing 5000 cows that don’t belong to you.
Your 2 cows swam away to Florida.
You have 2 cows. You worship both of them.
You’re allowed 2 cows just if the French-speaking one is bigger than the
Taliban: You get executed because your 2 cows are infidels and
you’re accused of teaching those female bovines to read.
Nations: France & Russia veto you from milking your 2 cows.
The U.S. & Britain veto the cows from milking you. China abstains.
You have 2 cows but your neighbor has none, so you feel guilty and vote for politicians who tax your cows. To get
money to pay the tax, you sell a cow. The government uses the tax to buy
a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbra Streisand sings
You have 2 cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
Go away! What I do with my cows is none of your business!
You can’t have cows. Our God-given Constitution doesn’t mention cows, so they
policy: You have 2 cows. The government takes both, shoots one,
milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours it down the drain.
foreign policy: You have 2 cows. The government taxes you enough
so you must sell both, to support a man (in a foreign country) who has just 1
cow, which was a gift from your government.
& Drug Administration (FDA): You have 2 cows. To test, you
make the first cow drink 400 gallons of water a day. It dies, so you ban water.
The other cow has cancer, but you ban cancer pills because making them requires
water, so that cow dies.
phone system: You have 2 cows? Press 1 if that’s correct, 2
otherwise.… Please hold while we connect you to an operator.…
(Moo-zak)… Please continue to hold. Your cows are important to us.
Intelligence Agency (CIA): You have 2 cows but can’t tell anyone
about them. Yesterday they weren’t at your farm. Today they’re not there,
again. If you ever have 2 cows, they have no names. You have no name. I
have no name. Nobody has any names. Got it?
Warning! Your 2 cows can cause bodily injury if not treated properly. Keep out
of reach of children. We can’t be held responsible for any bodily injury
sustained by interacting with cows.
You have 2 cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd.
corporation: You have 2 cows. You sell one, lease it back to
yourself, and do an IPO on the second one. You force the 2 cows to produce the
milk of 4, so one cow drops dead. You’re surprised but tell analysts you’ve
downsized and cut expenses. Your stock goes up.
You have 2 cows. From your bank, you borrow 80% of the forward value of the 2
cows, then buy
another cow, with 5% down and the rest financed by the seller (on a note
callable if your market cap goes below $20 billion) at a rate 2 times prime.
You sell the 3 cows to your publicly listed company using letters of credit
opened by your brother-in-law at another bank, then execute a debt/equity swap
with an associated offer so you get 4 cows back, with a tax exemption for
keeping 5 cows. The milk rights of 6 cows are transferred through a Panamanian
intermediary to a Cayman Islands company owned secretly by the majority
shareholder, who sells the rights to 7 cows’ milk back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns 8 cows, with an option on one more. The
public buys your bull.
You have 2 cows: 1 black, 1 white. You hold an election to see which is best.
Some preferring the white cow accidentally vote for the black; some vote for
both; some don’t vote at all; some vote correctly but their votes are declared
invalid. Outsiders come and decide which cow is your favorite.
You have a cow and a bull. The bull is depressed because it spent its life
living a lie, so it gets a sex-change operation, taxpayer-paid. Now you have 2
cows: 1 makes milk, the other doesn’t. You try selling the transgender cow, but
its lawyer sues you for discrimination. To pay damages, you sell the
milk-generating cow. Now you have one transgender, rich, non-milk-producing
cow, so you change your business to beef. Then PETA pickets your farm, Jesse
Jackson makes a speech in your driveway, the California legislature passes a
law giving your farm to Mexico, and the LA Times quotes 5 anonymous cows
claiming you groped their teats. You declare bankruptcy and shut down all
operations. The cows starve to death.
You have 2 cows. You give them udder
implants and teach them to dodge bullets, climb walls, and shoot milk
from udders on command.
You have 2 cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
You have 2 cows. You charge lonely men from Arkansas to spend the night with them.
You have a black cow and a white cow. You abuse and fear the black cow. Then it
produces less milk and becomes more violent. You say that proves the black cow
was bad all along.
You grew up with 2 cows but hated your parents, so you moved away at 16 and got
shot. Now you have no cows. You say that’s because you’re black.
action: You have 2 cows. The first cow has more black spots, so
it gets into college.
You feel guilty for having 2 cows. Your priest says “Having cows is no sin; but
if you feel guilt, free them and say 10 Hail Mary’s.”
Witness: You have 2 cows. You
go door-to-door, telling neighbors.
You have 2 cows but must not use them.
Simpson: You have 2 cows. Don’t have another cow, man!
Simpson: You have 2 cows. Mmm… cows!
Dammit, Jim, you have 2 cows! They
live long and prosper. That’s logical.
Barry: You have 2 cows. They
tend to explode. I’m not making this up.
You get 2 cows. You get 2 cows. You all get 2 cows!
Bush: You have 2 cows. You own
them. We’ll give those 2 cows back to you and invest another 2 of those
cows in the stock market to pay your retirement, and we can sell 2 of those
cows. My opponent will say that’s impossible, but he’s just trying to scare you
to vote for old-government ways to do
things. Under my plan, everyone gets cows back.
Limbaugh: Did you see the news that tree-huggers are after a
fellow who owns 2 cows? They say the cows’ gaseous emissions cause global
warming. Meanwhile, the femi-Nazis say udders insult women’s bodies. Well, I’ll
just keep eating cheeseburgers and shooting cows, because that’s why God made
them. If white Christian men earn their cows, tax-and-spend Democrats have no
right to give them away to welfare moms.
Trump: You have the world’s 2 biggest cows. You form a reality
show called “Cowprentice,” where cows compete to live on your farm. Then you
discover your farm’s bankrupt.
Your 2 cows might actually be 1 cow in 2 places.
Shakespeare recommended that we kill all the lawyers. I
recommend laughing at them instead.
In courtrooms, lawyers asked these silly questions:
Did he kill you?
Was that the same nose you
broke as a child?
How many times have you
Were you present when your
picture was taken?
The youngest son, the
20-year-old, how old is he?
You were there until the time
you left, is that true?
How far apart were the vehicles
at the time of the collision?
Was it you or your younger
brother who was killed in the war?
Here are more courtroom transcripts of lawyers and witnesses
having trouble communicating:
Are you sexually active?
No, I just lie there.
Have you lived in this town
all your life?
Are you qualified to give a
Yes, I have been since early
Doctor, did you say he was
shot in the woods?
No, I said he was shot in the
Doctor, how many autopsies
have you performed on dead people?
All my autopsies have
been performed on dead people.
Officer, what led you to
believe the defendant was under the influence?
Because he was argumentary and
couldn’t pronunciate his words.
Did you tell your lawyer
that your husband had offered you indignities?
He didn’t offer me nothing. He
just said I could have the furniture.
What can you tell us about
the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
Oh, she’ll tell the truth. She
said she’d kill that son-of-a-bitch, and she did!
What did he do then?
He came home, and the next
morning he was dead.
So when he woke up the next
morning, he was dead?
Can you describe the
He was about medium height and
had a beard.
Was this a male or a female?
What is your relationship
with the plaintiff?
She’s my daughter.
Was she your daughter on
February 13, 1979?
Mrs. Johnson, how was your
first marriage terminated?
And by whose death was it
Are you married?
No, I’m divorced.
And what did your husband do
before you divorced him?
A lot of things I didn’t know
Did you blow your horn or
After the accident?
Before the accident.
Sure, I played for 10 years. I
even went to school for it.
How old is your son, the
one living with you?
38 or 35, I can’t remember
How long has he lived with you?
Do you recall the time you
examined the body?
The autopsy started around 8:30
And Mr. Dennington was dead at
No, he was sitting on the table
wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
All your responses must be oral.
Okay? What school do you go to?
How old are you?
What did the tissue samples
taken from the victim’s vagina show?
There were traces of semen.
That’s the only kind I know of.
What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that
He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Why did that upset you?
My name is Susan.
She had 3 children, right?
How many were boys?
Were there any girls?
Do you know how far
pregnant you are right now?
I will be 3 months November 8.
Apparently then, the date of
conception was August 8th?
What were you and your husband
doing at that time?
Doctor, before you
performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Did you check for blood
Did you check for breathing?
So it’s possible the patient
was alive when you began the autopsy?
How can you be so sure, doctor?
Because his brain was sitting
on my desk in a jar.
But could the patient have
still been alive nevertheless?
It’s possible he could have
been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Those transcripts and other weirdos were recorded by court
stenographers and collected in several anthologies, such as Humor in the
Court (1977), More Humor in the Court, (1994), Disorderly Conduct.
(1999), and Disorder in the Court (1999 and 2004).
If you’re a good lawyer, you can become a judge, whose job is
to make nasty remarks to other lawyers.
judges Here’s a tale of two women; which would you rather be?
Both women are judges in
the U.S. Both are over 60 years old.
The first woman runs a
small-claims court, which decides little questions such as “Did this guy
overcharge for cleaning a shirt?” The second woman is on the U.S. Supreme
Court, which decides big questions such as “Is abortion legal?”
The second woman (Ruth
Bader Ginsberg) seems to have a better career, except for one detail: the first
woman gets paid more. A lot more! 130 times as much!
Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s
salary is $190,100; the other woman’s salary is $25,000,000. That’s because the
“other woman” is Judy Sheindlin, the “Judge Judy” on TV.
Which would you rather
be: a respected Supreme Court jurist (like Ruth Bader Ginsberg) or a rich TV
judicial comedian (like Judge Judy)?
Which of those women is
more famous? Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s writings will become famous through U.S.
history books, but at the moment more people know Judy Judy’s face. Ruth Bader
Ginsberg’s decisions will change the laws of the land and how they’re
interpreted, but Judge Judy is teaching more people how law works.
I’m glad we have both
become a judge A judge is supposed to be an old, wise person
who’s all-knowing, solving all arguments on all topics.
The British comedy troupe called Beyond the Fringe told
of a bloke who said:
I’m a miner, but I’m planning
to become a judge. When you’re old, they say you can’t be a miner anymore; it’s
just the opposite with judges. To prepare to be a judge, I’m reading a book
called “The Universe and All That Surrounds It: an Introduction.”
Lawyers can be mean — and so are jokes about them.
Lawyers screw their clients’ opponents — then screw their own clients by
charging large legal fees. Here’s a tale of how lawyers screw around:
An architect, a doctor,
and a lawyer held a contest to see whose dog was smartest.
When the architect said
“Go, Fifi,” his dog Fifi immediately constructed an exact replica of the
cathedral of Chartres — out of toothpicks. Everybody clapped, and the architect
gave Fifi a cookie.
Then the doctor said,
“Go, Fluffy,” whereupon the doctor’s dog Fluffy immediately performed an
emergency Caesarian section on a cow. The cow and calf came through the
operation fine. Everybody clapped, and the doctor gave Fluffy a cookie.
Then the lawyer said,
“Go, Fucker.” The lawyer’s dog fucked both other dogs, took their cookies, and
went out to lunch.
More such tales are in Truly Tasteless Jokes (by Blanche
When a boat got shipwrecked, barracuda ate all the passengers except the
lawyers. Why not eat the lawyers? Professional courtesy!
lawyer When a doctor crashed his car into a lawyer’s, the lawyer
asked the doctor, “Are you okay?” The doctor said, “Yeah.”
The lawyer said, “Have a drink.” The doctor took a swig from
the flask and said “Thanks — aren’t you going to have one too?” The lawyer
replied, “After the police get here.”
Government creates lots of laws. So if Noah were living in the
U.S. now, his tale would go like this:
The Lord told Noah, “A
year from now, I’m going to make rain until the whole earth is covered with
water and all evil people are destroyed. I command you to build an Ark to save
the righteous people and two of every living
species.” In a flash of lightning, God delivered the Ark’s specifications.
One year later, the rain
began falling. But the Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard and weeping,
with no Ark. “Noah,” shouted the Lord, “where’s the Ark?”
Noah replied, “Lord, forgive me. I did my best, but there were big
“First, I had to get a
building permit for the Ark. Your plans didn’t meet Code, so I had to hire an
engineering firm to redraw them. Then I got into a fight with OSHA about the
Ark needing a fire sprinkler system and approved flotation devices.
“My neighbors complained
that to build the Ark in my front yard violated zoning ordinances, so I had to
get a variance from the city planning commission.
“I had problems getting
enough wood because there was a ban on cutting trees, to protect the Spotted
Owl. I finally convinced the Forest Service that I needed wood to save
the owls, but the Fish & Wildlife Service won’t let me catch any owls.
“The carpenters formed a
union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National
Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now the Ark
has 16 carpenters but still no owls.
“When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an
animal-rights group objecting that I’d take just two of each
kind. Just when I got that suit dismissed,
the EPA said I couldn’t finish the Ark until I file an environmental
impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea
they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the universe’s Creator.
“The Army Corps of
Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
“I’m trying to resolve
the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission’s complaint about how many
Croatians I must hire.
“The IRS seized all my
assets because it claims my Ark’s goal is to flee the country to avoid paying
taxes. The state sent a notice saying I owe a use tax and another saying I
failed to register the Ark as a ‘recreational watercraft.’ The ACLU made the
court issue an injunction against further construction, on the grounds that
‘God flooding the earth’ is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
“I can’t finish your Ark
for at least 5 more years.”
The sky began to clear.
The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and
smiled. “You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth, Lord?”
“No,” He said sadly. “I don’t
have to. The government already has.”
The original version of that was copyrighted in 1997 by Hugh
Holub, and you can read it at www.bandersnatch.com/noah.htm. Thanks, Hugh, for
permission to print an edited version here!
Most wars are caused by xenophobia: fear of strangers. The best
way to end wars is to share Pepsi and pizza.
Before starting a war, try to resolve the conflict peacefully.
If you absolutely must start a war, make sure you’re well prepared.
Will Rogers said:
Diplomacy is the act of saying
“nice doggie” until you can find a rock.
The American government says the September 11th
terrorists did a despicable “cowardly” deed. I thought the word “cowardly” was
a strange choice. It’s probably what the British said about us hiding behind
trees during the Revolutionary War.
In the Revolutionary War for the liberation of America, we hid behind trees and fired at the British, and the British complained it was
“unfair” that we weren't standing in an easy-to-shoot line: we weren’t
following the rules of war; we were unfairly terrorizing the British troops.
The families of those troops were quite upset.
In the Palestinian War for the liberation of Palestine, the
pro-liberationists hid in planes and kamikazeed civilians in the World Trade Towers. We said it was “unfair” that they killed civilians instead of paid
I guess what’s “fair” depends on which side you’re on.
I feel sorry for Palestinians who live in Israel and want to make an honest living. Their thinking goes like this:
Yeah, go call me “Ali Baba.”
Do you want to buy a shoe?
Please don’t call me now an
And I won’t call you a “Jew.”
Say I’m just from
Where our Western culture grew.
Say that Israel is for “us,” and
Not just “me” and not just
What about the intefada?
Is it just for infants there?
Can us old folks have some
Must we tear out all our hair?
I am just a kind commuter,
Not a looter, not a shooter.
My computer? Want to boot her
But no ’lectric power there.
Want to calm her, but the
Coming out of both sides’ lairs
Make me wish I were a kishka
Or a hummus dumpling
Sure, go call me “Ali
Do you want to buy a shoe?
Please don’t call me now an “Arab,”
And I won’t call you a “Jew.”
Call me “Frank.” I’ll call
Then mo’e frank we both will
And our children, they will
And our parents will not spank
As together we will grow,
Searching for our heaven’s
— by Rasaalah Al-Walta
(Russell Walter’s Arabic
America’s first popcorn war
Back in the early 1960’s, John Kemeny (who invented the Basic
programming language) said wars should be replaced by video games, where the
opponents would fight each other on screen, winner take all.
Here’s what actually happened… the time is March 2003, and you
Saddam is attacked by Baby
Bush, but the media treats the whole “War against Saddam” as just a football
game, similar to the Super Bowl. We wait for the referee to fire the opening
shot. It’s the first scheduled war: “War will begin at 8PM EST.” We get stats on all the players, with pre-game comments from the coaches and quarterbacks.
We get to see whether Bush attacks up the middle or does an end-run around the
defensive tackles; whether he lobs some passes up into the air or throws
straight ahead, Tomahawk style; and whether the sides, in their strategy
huddles, lift their fingers with fake signals to fool the enemy. The TV shows
photos of the quarterbacks, Bush & Saddam, displayed side-by-side.
20 years from now, if both of those men were still alive,
they’d look back and reminisce about the “good old days” when they had sporting
fun baiting each other at the Big Game and how they both managed to change the
history of the world, especially the world’s international relations, laws,
rules, and assumptions.
While watching the battle, I was sorry to be out of popcorn. I
was eating a veggie burrito instead, which fortunately is non-political, since
we haven’t attacked Mexico yet.
Hey, that’s an idea: instead of “food for oil,” let’s fight
for “food for burritos.” Burritos are better than a steak bomb.
I waited for the Food Channel to show a snobby chef
recommending the best food for war watching. “May we suggest the fillet?
Perhaps after an aperitif?”
This war was great fun: for the first time, Bush was seen by
most of the world as more evil than so-damn-insane Saddam Hussein. I wondered
when Bush would feel tired of fighting, “bushed.”
This whole war was actually based on sex. Bush & Blair
(heads of the U.S. & England) were young, their penises still strong and
frustrated, and they wanted to attack Saddam’s opening, to come to an orgasmic
conclusion to the crisis. The heads of France and Germany were older, tired,
and just wanted the young headstrong men to quiet down and stop disturbing Europe’s nap time.
After the battle and recriminations, Bush and Saddam should
have shaken hands and exchanged after-dinner mints.
When France objected to the U.S. war on Saddam Hussein, the
U.S. laughed at the French. Here’s a collection of
“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an
accordion.” — Jed Babbin
“The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.” —
“I don’t know why people are surprised that France won’t help us get
Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn’t help us get the Germans out of France!” — Jay Leno
“What do you expect from a
culture that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World
and Big Macs than Nazis?” — Dennis Miller
“You know why the French
don’t want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates Americans and wears a
beret. He’s French.” — Conan O’Brien
“I’d rather have a German division in front of me than a French one
behind me.” — General George S. Patton
“France has neither winter
nor summer nor morals. France has usually been governed by prostitutes. Apart
from those drawbacks, it’s a fine country.” — Mark Twain
On the other hand, Jacques Chirac, who was France’s President,
As far as I’m concerned, war
always means failure.
Here’s advice from Infantry Journal about how to fight:
If the enemy is in range, so
Try to look unimportant: they
may be low on ammo.
If your attack’s going too
well, you’re walking into an ambush.
5-second fuses last just 3
Here’s more fighting advice, from members of the military:
When the pin is pulled, Mr.
Grenade is not our friend.
Don’t draw fire: it irritates
the people around you.
Any ship can be a minesweeper…
Bravery is being the only one
who knows you’re afraid.
Never tell the platoon sergeant
you have nothing to do.
Never be the first, never be
the last, and never volunteer.
Here’s advice about flying, from the Air Force:
It’s generally inadvisable to
eject directly over the area you just bombed.
Try to stay in the middle
of the air. Don’t go near its edges, which can be recognized by the appearance
of mountains, ground, buildings, sea, trees, or interstellar space. It’s much
more difficult to fly there!
Airspeed, altitude, and
brains: two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
When faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as
Never fly in the same
cockpit with someone braver than you.
Weather forecasts are
horoscopes with numbers.
Flashlights are metal tubes
kept in a flight bag to store dead batteries.
The only time you have too much
fuel is when you’re on fire.
If you see a bomb technician
running, follow him.
When one engine fails on a
twin-engine plane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of
If you crash because of bad
weather, your funeral will be on a sunny day.
Without ammo, the Air Force
would be just another expensive flying club.
You’ve never been lost
until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.
What’s the similarity
between air-traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot
dies; if the ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
The 3 most famous last
phrases in aviation are “Why is it doing that,” “Where are we,” and “Oh shit!”
The military likes to poke fun at itself:
Marines, U.S. Marine Corps.:
“Here’s what M.A.R.I.N.E.S. stands for: muscles are required, intelligence not
essential, sir! Here’s what U.S.M.C. stands for: Uncle Sam’s misguided
Navy intelligence: “In God
we trust; all others we monitor. You didn’t see me, I wasn’t there, and I’m not
Air Force weapons troops:
“Without weapons, it’s just another airline.”
Army: “If you spell U.S.
ARMY backwards, you find out what it really stands for: yes, my retarded ass
Coast Guard: “Support
search-and-rescue: get lost.”
That list is part of what’s on page 140 of Uncle John’s
Bathroom Reader, 18th edition. For more fun, get that edition
and the other editions, too!
How does a “mechanical” engineer differ from a “civil”
engineer? The Internet gives this answer:
Mechanical engineers build
weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Donald Rumsfeld was Secretary of Defense under presidents Ford
and Bush Junior. He bragged that Saddam Hussein met the same end as other bad
dictators, such as Hitler, Stalin, Lenin, and that Romanian guy whose name is
hard to spell.
But was Lenin really so bad? Compared to Stalin, Lenin was
So was Saddam’s
son, Odai. Sure, Odai had a reputation for being ridiculously
cruel, even crueler than his dad. But when I look at photos of his face, before
and after his death, I just melt, because his face is so cute. I finally
realized it’s because he looks like the Italian actor Marcello Mastroianni: he
has the same cute smile and puppy-dog eyes. Too bad Odai’s dead: he could’ve had a wonderful movie career. His dad
raised him wrong.
Bin Laden — who dictates to terrorists — looked cute. He looked
just like the Jewish longhairs I went to school with. Too bad he disliked my
group and started a cafeteria food fight, throwing airplanes. I don’t
understand his goal: the Palestinian cause already got worldwide attention and
sympathy; what did he expect to gain by making Moslems become disliked? He seemed
immature. He was just a kid throwing temper tantrums, forcing the rest of the
world to childproof everything, for protection from him.
Bishop Desmond Tutu, from South Africa, said:
When the missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the
land. They said, “Let us pray.” We closed our eyes. When we opened them,
we had the Bible and they had the land.