If you try to get one of those movies, make sure you get the
correct year. Other movies with similar titles from other years are worse.
Americans learn about life by watching TV and movies. Many
movies distort reality by containing these clichés:
A bad guy’s first shot always
misses; it just announces that a fight will begin.
A hero always gets shot in the
Evil men are too stupid to
shoot heroes in the face; instead, they aim for the bulletproof vest.
Even the thinnest piece of wood
will shield you from all bullets.
When one man shoots at 20 men,
he’s more likely to kill them all than when 20 men shoot at one.
In a swordfight, you must find
stairs to fight on, so the loser can roll down them to die at the bottom.
In a swordfight, jump up on a
table; when the villain swipes at your legs, just hop over his blade.
When women fight, they pull
hair, fall to the ground together, and roll over twice.
In a martial-arts fight,
enemies surrounding you will wait patiently for you to kill them one-by-one.
A hero becomes invulnerable
when he takes his shirt off.
When a villain captures you to
kill, he kindly pauses for 5 minutes to tell you his life’s plans.
Every army platoon includes a
black guy who can play the harmonica.
You’ll survive the battle
unless you show someone a photo of your sweetheart back home.
The person with the most plans,
prospects, and hopes will die.
During an artillery barrage, a
kid or dog can safely wander around, but half the soldiers will die.
Every time bomb has a big red
readout that shows how many seconds remain.
While a bad guy chases you, he
kindly pauses to throw objects you can jump over.
When terrified, a woman always
sticks her fist in her mouth.
Every woman who tries to flee
insists on wearing high heels.
When being chased by an evil man, a woman always stumbles to the ground,
even if the terrain is level.
To help a woman flee, a man
hugs his arm around her, though hugging slows both of them down.
A person chased to a staircase
is always stupid enough to run upstairs, not down to exit the building.
A hero shows no pain when
beaten but winces when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
When you’re hit on the head and
become unconscious, you never get a concussion or brain damage.
During a fight, a hero’s only
facial injuries are on his right cheekbone and his mouth’s right corner.
A hero wipes blood from his
mouth’s right corner with the back of his hand, then looks at it.
If a hero’s cheek gets injured,
just put a Band-Aid on it, and it will heal completely by the next day.
Bibles, religious medals, and
photos of loved ones stop bullets better than a bulletproof vest.
A good person dies only while
friends are watching.
If a good person dies with eyes
open, a friend will close them; but a villain’s eyes stay open forever.
If you’re dying, friends
whisper lovingly to you or kiss you, instead of calling an ambulance.
If your friend is dying, try
this cure: yell “You can’t do this to me — I love you!” and “Fight!”
Whenever strangers have sex,
they reach intense, simultaneous orgasms on the first try.
During sex, all women leave
their underwear on, and they moan but don’t sweat.
After sex, you never need Kleenex.
Every bed has a crooked sheet
that covers up to a woman’s armpit but just to a man’s waist.
Whenever you wake up from a
nightmare, you sit bolt upright and pant.
Every teenager’s bedroom window
comes with a drainpipe strengthened to hold the kid’s weight.
You can eat as much as you want
and never need to go to the toilet.
When women wake up, they don’t
need to go to the toilet, but women must shower frequently.
The best way to tell when a
woman is pregnant is to wait for her to vomit.
Women never menstruate.
If several people are in a
bathroom, one of them must tell a secret while they all face the mirror.
Kitchens have no light
switches. At night, you must open the fridge door and use that light instead.
All shopping bags are paper, topped off with French bread & carrots,
which spill onto the kitchen floor.
Families are too rushed to ever
finish breakfast, so dad and the kids always dash out, upsetting mom.
In Paris, all the windows face
the Eiffel Tower.
In New York, nice people
getting low-paying jobs all live in luxury apartments.
You can pick any lock with a credit card or paper clip, except when a
kid behind the door is trapped in a
All elevator shafts are clean
and well-lit, to make sure heroes won’t get dirty or need flashlights.
Whenever you want an elevator,
it’s already at your floor, unless you’re chased by an evil person.