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MAIL

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" ... are you ready?) ... this is a beauty .... My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL

AT THE GRANDPARENTS

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."  His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

What My Mother Taught Me....

My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY: "Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER: "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS: "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!!"
My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
THANKS MOM!

COLD HEARTED

When I was younger I hated going to weddings ...it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals!!!

LET THEM EAT CAKE

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in  Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to  have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. "Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous,  and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs  in our drinking water. "But there is one thing  that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat  it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most  grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75-year-old  man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake.

Hunting

Paul tries to take his friend hunting, but when they get to his favorite hunting spot, they find No Trespassing signs everywhere. Paul tells his friend to wait in the car and walks up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer answers the door, and Paul says, "Sir, I?ve hunted on this property all my life, but now I notice you have a bunch of signs up. I wanted to see if it was still OK for me to hunt here." The farmer scratches his chin for a bit and says, "I?ll make you a deal. We?ve got this cow out back that we have to kill for food, but we?ve grown too attached to it. If you go out back and shoot my cow, I?ll let you hunt on my property." Walking back to the car, Paul decides to play a joke on his friend. "That old jerk won?t let us hunt on his property," he tells him. "I'll show him. I?m going to shoot his cow!" He then walks over to the side of the house and-BLAM! Suddenly two more shots ring out behind him, and his friend runs up, yelling, "I got the cat and dog too! Let?s get the heck out of here!

Benifits of growing older

1. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 2. People call at 9 P.M. and ask, "Did I wake you?" 3. You can eat dinner at 4:00 PM. 4. You can live without sex but not without glasses. 5. You get into a heated argument about pension plans. 6. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 7. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room. 8. You sing along with the elevator music. 9. Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service. 10. Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't remember them either. 11. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Travel through jokes or back to pick your own