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At age 4, success is...........not peeing your pants
At age 12, success is...........having friends
At age 20, success is...........having sex
At age 35, success is...........making money
At age 60, success is...........having sex
At age 70, success is...........having friends
At age 80, success is...........not peeing your pants
I love my job, I love the pay.
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss; he is the best.
I love his boss and all the rest.
I love my office and its location.
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
and the paper that piles up every day.
I love my chair in my padded cell.
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers.
I love their leers and jeers and sneers. I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it don't care.
I love each program and every file,
I try to understand once in a while.
I'm happy to be here, I am, I am;
I'm the happiest slave of my Uncle Sam.
I love this work; I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job-I'll say it again.
I even love these friendly men,
these men who've come to visit today
In lovely white coats to take me away.
A friend was working on his computer the other
day when an information screen came up asking
him to enter his password in a new software system.
Well, with his usual, smartass attitude
He entered the password "Penis".
His wife was looking over my shoulder and cracked
up when she saw the computer screen reply:
*** PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT ***
CNN REPORTS A NEW VIRUS HAS BEEN RECENTLY DISCOVERED.
ONE PERSON CAN PASS IT ON TO MILLIONS AS IT IS VERY
CONTAGIOUS. THE CENTER FOR DISEASE CONTROL HAS REPORTED
THIS WEEK THAT THE VIRUS SPREADS VERY RAPIDLY FROM ONE
PERSON TO THE NEXT. THEY HAVE PUT A VERY INTERESTING
NAME ON THIS VIRUS.
IT IS CALLED.......
@@@@
@@ _ _ @@
@@ o o @@
@@ ^ @@
@@@ __/ @@@
@@@ @@@
) (
A SMILE!!!!!
UH! OH! TOO LATE!! I SEE IT ON YOUR FACE ALREADY!
You've got the virus!!!!
ALERT! You have just been snuggled
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a > light
bulb?
A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? > Because no
one else in this house knows HOW to change a
light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. > They
would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS
before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they >
wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that
they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past > SEVENTEEN YEARS.
But if they did, by some miracle, > actually find the light bulbs,
TWO
DAYS
LATER the chair that > they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the > STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND
UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER > THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! > BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT > THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL
SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE > 12 FEET DEEP
THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE
HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did you ask me?
Johnny's 1st Day of School
Johnny was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." When his eyes fell on Johnny, he noticed Johnny's hand over the right cheek of his buttocks. "Johnny, I will not continue 'til you put your hand over your heart." Johnny replied, "It is over my heart." After several attempts to get Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?" "Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."
NEIGHBORS
Living in the Garage... Roger was fed up with his wife, so he packed up his stuff and moved into the garage. Although the couple seldom spoke, he continued to mow the lawn, take out the garbage and fix the car, while she cooked the meals, vacuumed and did the laundry. Months later, Roger met his friend Don for drinks. "Things don't seem to be working out any better," Don remarked. "Why don't you just move out?" "Well, if you really want to know the truth," Roger explained, "she makes such a damn good neighbor."
