Well, before I begin, I'd like to explain something to you. I like to tell this for one reason only - to glorify God. It shows where I was without Him, and that what I am now is because of His residing in my heart! *smiles* Oh, one other thing - this is rather long! With that, I think I'll start:
I guess I'll start with the beginning - it's usually a good place to start! *wink* I was raised in a Christian household, so even before I knew Jesus Christ as my personal savior, I knew Him through my parents. When I was eight years old, I accepted Jesus as my own personal Savior, King and Friend. (I thought it was the coolest thing in the world that I could have the same relationship with Jesus that my parents did - and I was right! *smile*) I have had ups and downs since then, but I have followed Him ever since.
When I went to Basic Training is when I began the downward spiral... (this is the longest and worst of the "downs" I mentioned earlier.) There was, of course, the usual problems that come with going to Basic, (I'll talk about that in my Bio page, so as to save room here. *smiles*) but the real important problem was with the church. You see, most people went to church to get away from the Drill Sergeants, see people of the opposite gender, and sleep. This was bad enough, but they refused to even participate! It was usually very quiet when the time came in the service to praise the Lord in song... All of this was, I'm sure, a major heartbreak for the Chaplains there, but they handled it badly. Instead of focussing on God, or on those of us that went there to serve the Lord, they got discouraged... I remember one time that the Chaplain, before he began preaching, said that many of us had probably heard the particular sermon! *sigh* The church there was spiritually dead. It was my first experience with a dead church, (my parents always made sure that we went to good churches - for their benefit as well as mine) and I reacted badly. I decided to get stubborn. (I know, I know - those of you out there that know me are saying: "You? Stubborn? Never!!" *wink*) What I mean by that was that I told myself that no matter what, I was going to go to church. Now maybe you missed the subtlety of the attitude I was beginning to develope, so I'll spell it out for you: I started going to church to beat the world, not to praise and be with the Lord.
Then came AIT, (Advanced Individual Training - it's where the Army teaches you how to do what you signed on the dotted line to do) and matters got worse. Well, first of all, I had a bit of a conflict there, but I'll talk about that in my Bio page instead of taking up more space here. I only brought it up because I reacted badly toward the situation and my spiritual life suffered as a result. I got angry, but more than that, I was filled with a hatred toward the Army in general and a couple individuals in particular. (of which I am truly sorry for now...) Now, on to the church there. It was another spiritually dead church. This time I was shocked as to the cause of its deadness: it was not lead by Christians. All Chaplains there took turns preaching for the church service. This wouldn't normally be a problem except that there were nonchristian Chaplains on staff! (one was a Christian Scientist and another was a Mormon - that's two of six of the Chaplains there that weren't Christians!) It was the only church I was able to attend, so I had to figure out who was preaching to determine what I was going to do Sunday to Sunday. With the rage that was boiling up in me and the Pharasee-like attitude I was developing, the lack of a spiritual resting place in the church only heightened both of these problems.
And then came Korea, my first duty station - where everything came to a head. When I got there, I found out that I was not going to be doing my MOS. (Mission Oriented Specialty - the Army's title for a job) For the first three months, I simply did details. (ie. mopped floors, answered phones, took out the trash, stuff like that...) Then I heard about an offer to go work in the mail room. It supposedly would only be for three months, and they had promised to get me to somewhere where I could do my MOS. I ended up working there for six months. After that, I went to work in the S3 shop. (an S3 is responsible for training and operational planning for their unit) Supposedly, I was going to FINALLY get to do my MOS there. That was not the case, however. They utilized my abilities only for details - again. All of this further developed my anger and hatred of the Army in general and anyone that annoyed me or caused me difficulty in particular. I was the epitome of the phrase "angry white man".
I also fell in with the wrong crowd. They were good people, but they were not Christians - and in my state of mind, a bad influence. Now, I want to point out that I'm not laying the blame on them - it rests solely on me - but this is how it did happen. One of the ways they influenced me was by getting me enrapped in the sins of lust and pornography. (This was the hardest of sins to remove from my life, and I still struggle with it from time to time - a quick side note: when I refer to pornography, I'm not referring to homosexual pornography, child pornography, or bestiality. I have no idea what some people see in that stuff...) Also, I developed a Holier-Than-Thou attitude. I didn't go out and get drunk nor did I go whoring about like so many around me were, so I figured I was "better" than they were. After all, I was a Christian, right? (This is what I thought, not what was true - I was definately NOT following my Lord at that time...) The worst part was the church over there - it was perfect for what I needed. It was a place of friendship, rest and peace. I rejected it. That was the worst part. God had set up Korea for me to be a place of peace and rest, but because I put my trust in myself rather than Him, it became a place of inner conflict and pain. (I have since learned, due primarily to this, to look for Him in ALL situations, even those that seem unlikely.)
After I left Korea, I took 30 days of leave (that's the military term for vacation days - the Army just can't do anything normal, can they? *wink*) Well, I visited home. There, I realized just how far I had fallen. I had run out of excuses for my actions while still in Korea, (kept coming up with why my excuses were just that - excuses, until I ran out of them, and had to face the truth...) so when I got home and saw how badly I'd botched things, I realized that I needed to get my life right with God, but I was too embarrassed by the situation (after all, I was the good Christian boy, right?) to talk to my family about it. It did, however, set me in the right frame of mind for when I came to Ft. Riley, KS - where I am now. I wanted to get things right with God. I got into the church as soon as I got here, and though I wasn't right with Him, I was getting involved with the right crowd here. (I'd like to pause a moment to thank Chaplain Durham for helping me and for being there for me through all of this- Thank you, my friend - you'll never know how much you've helped me. *smile*)
My anger took some time to get rid of. I had to learn to let it go, and be content no matter what situation I was, or am, in. The trick, I found, was to focus on God, and not on this world. I rarely get angry now, and when I do, it's usually in defense of a friend - it's a rare case indeed that I get angry over something done to me! My Holier-Than-Thou attitude fled the moment I'd realized just how bad I'd botched everything up. I've never been able to be judgmental of people since. I've learned how to do what many nonchristians don't understand or even believe possible - and that's to hate the sin, but love the sinner. As for my problem with pornography and lust, it took a lot of time and effort... (and it still does) It mainly took three things to overcome this problem - 1) God (He was the most important - without Him, the other two things wouldn't have meant squat.); 2) an accountability partner (someone to hold me accountable when I had problems doing it myself); and 3) a new perspective. I viewed it as an alcoholic views his problem - meaning that I realized that it's an ongoing problem that I will have to take day by day - sometimes minute by minute! Another aspect of this is when I keep getting asked, in reference to such things as movies with lots of nudity, "Don't you trust yourself?" to which I promptly respond with an emphatic "No, I don't!!" I make sure to keep myself away from tempting situations and places.
One thing is for sure, my God and my relationship with Him are worth it. So if and when I fall, I just let Him pick me up, and start pressing on anew. I'm sorry if I seemed to be bragging last paragraph, but it seemed kinda pointless to go through all that I botched up and not tell how God brought me back to Him. *smiles* God bless you.