 BATTLE ROYAL TONIGHT! FIND OUT WHO IS THE MOST GOTH OF ALL! Winner to Receive Bela Lugosi autographed poster, 100 dollar gift certificate to Hot Topic, 20 pounds of makeup, 10 gallons of hairspray, a pair of platform boots with five foot heels, and a pair of silver vampire fangs! SIGN UP INSIDE! A hundred bucks? Hot Topic? FLAMING LOUNGE SHIRT HERE I COME! -[Xiak bounds inside, to find the sign up sheet listed on the wall, ECCO henchmen and Purgatory gophers Roach and Dimebag are standing next to it with a tapemeasure and a scale. They set about measuring and weighing Xande. He takes a look at the roster so far.]-
-[Near the bottom someone has scrawled 'Justin Sane, 6'9", 6'5", 235 pounds, 235 pounds (HE DOESN'T WEAR MAKEUP BECAUSE HE'S A VAMPIRE!), "Fiend" by Coal Chamber, Blood Kiss - Sucks opponent's blood CAUSE HE'S A VAAAAAAMPIIIIIIRE!]- Hmm apparently SPIDER is still around somewhere. -[Xande looks around, to make sure no one is watching, then writes his info on the bottom of the list. The scene fades into later. "Crazy Train" by Ozzy Osbourne is blaring, and THE OZZMAN HIMSELF WALKS OUT! His enterence is accomapnied by a fog of bubbles from a bubble machine.]- Ozzy: SHARON! I'M OZZY FUCKING OSBOURNE, THE PRINCE OF MUTHERFUCKING DARKNESS! I CAN'T COME OUT TO A BUNCH OF FUCKING BUBBLES! -[Ozzy vanishes, the music recues, and Ozzy walks back out. Apparently he's stolen Darkmage's pyro, as Purgatory's walls are covered with flaming pentagrams. Laser light demons swarm the walls.]- That's fucking better. -[Ozzy sits down at a table at ringside, apparently to do commentary. Razed in Black's "Oh My Goth!" cues up, and out walks the lead singer of Psikyl, and the owner of the Gothic Wrestling Alliance, the menacing figure known simply as 'The Dark Prophet'. He floats to ringside on a cloud of the most sinister shadow. The ever present mini-thunderstorm circle over his head. Apparently they're the announcers for this match. 1,902,684 covers of Paint It Black hit, and out walk all the competitors, save two. Coal Chamber's "Fiend" hits. Justin Sane directs a one finger salute in the direction of the ring and continues bartending. The goth crowd is silenced, except for the weeping, as they wonder who the last entry is. They begin to boo when the totally un-Goth "Amish Paradise" hits. And out walks... EVIL DEAD ELIJAH DAMNED! (Actually Xiak Xande in new attire and facepaint) 'Elijah' carries a sledgehammer and an old fashioned megaphone.]- YE DAMNED ENGLISH! I WILL NOT STAND BACK AN LET YE WIN THAT HOT TOPIC GIFT CERTIFCATE! YE NEED TO MAKE YER OWN CLOTHES! LIKE ME! 'CAUSE I'M AMISH! YE THINK YER ALL SPECIAL WITH YER CALCULATORS AN HAIRPSRAY, DRIVING AROUND IN YER HELL PODS WITH YER POCKET ELECTRONIC SHEEP PUSSY! WELL I'LL TELL YE NOW! YE AREN'T GOING TE SURVIVE A MATCH WITH BIG DADDY DEAD DUDE! WHY? 'CAUSE I'M FUCKIN' AMISH! -['Elijah' slides into the ring. Chaos and Devastator pick up Raiyn, who's crying uncontrolable, and promptly chuck her over the top rope. She composes a poem on the woes of SPAM. Lord Scrofula keeps trying to bite Gothicknight, but's unable to peretrate the hair spray. Danzig jumps up on the turnbuckle and flexes his arms. Anrgy Kitty manages to use every cuss word in a sentance, directed at Deadbolt, who pulls a screw out of a bag on his belt and begins chewing on it. Hell Muncher is using his nails to carve a pentagram into the turnbuckle. Arimathia just stands there with her nose in the air, too pretty to throw a punch. Ankh... something or other, starts talking about her life in Italy as a hair lipped poodle to Blackhole, who throws himself over the top rope. DJ Rencor has his CD player out and is blasting out Front 242 remixes. Darkmage is glaring at Ozzy Osbourne for stealing his entry pyro, thus allowing Elijah Damned to thwack him in the head with the sledgehammer and eliminate him. Chaos and Devastator accidently lean on the same rope at the same time, the combined half ton is too much, causing the rope to snap, and the two favorites to be eliminated from the match. Doomboy is attempting to impale Ankh... whatever, on his railroad spike. Ankh... nonsense, skillfully dodges while recounting her days as a dandilion in ancient Greece. Elijah Damned picks her up and throws her into Gothicknight's hair, she bounces off and flies over the top rope. Deadbolt is dancing around the ring and pelting Doomboy with screws and bolts. Angry Kitty has turned to cussin out the sissy hussy pretty girl bitch (toned down for content) Arimathia. A cat fight ensues. Angry Kitty tackles Arimathia, and is thrown out of the ring when Arim's corset snaps. Elijah Damned has picked up Doomboy's railroad spike, and is using it in conjustion with his sledgehammer, attempting to drive it into the head of Gothicknight, who's hair isn't even dented. Danzig is posing, and telling DJ Rencor to play some Samhain. Hell Muncher begins to scream about how Satan has assumed the form of John Coltrane and Whoopie Goldberg is a cyborg reading our minds through our TV set at Doomboy, who stops running long enough for Deadbolt to smack his with an eceptionally large bolt, which sends him out of the ring. Lord Scrofula is trying to put his fangs back in, after having them smacked out by one Evil Dead Elijah Damned. Deadbolt throws a screw at Angry Kitty and yells 'Hey! Wanna screw?' Angry Kitty tackles Deadbolt, sending the both of them over the top rope. Danzig picks up Gothicknight, and smashes DJ Rencor's sound system, by smashing Gothicknight's hair against it. DJ Rencor begins weeping, singing Sisters of Mercy lyrics to himself, and eliminates himself, so he can go over and play with Purgatory's sound system, and maybe get his face slapped off by DJ Bounceyskull. Elijah Damned grabs a handful of Arimthia's hind end, gives her a french kiss, embraces her and throws her over the top rope. On the outside Arimathia commences gagging (which so does anyway to maintain he figure) and attempts to wipe off the greasepaint from her lips. Lord Scrofula tries to sink his teeth into the neck of Danzig, but Danzig wraps his arm around Lord Scrofula's neck, and flexes. Lord Scrofula is saved from decapitation only by the amount of starch on the collar of his Hot Topic cape. Danzig picks him up and throws him over the top rope. Elijah Damned taps Gothcknight on the shoulder. GK turns and is kicked in the groin to no effect. Apparently he uses hairspray down there too. As a last resort Elijah Damned punches him in the teeth, hard enough to send him over the top rope. Hell Muncher falls down on his knees and begins worshipping Elijah Damned as the one true Dark Lord. Elijah leans down and whispers something to Hell Muncher, who jumps over the top rope. And it's down to two. Hell Muncher shouts from the outside "HEY! HOW ABOUT YOU NAME THE NEXT ONE DANZIG 8: SATAN'S BITCH!" Danzig grabs the ropes and using his massive upper arms, flings himself onto Hell Muncher, leaving your winner EVIL DEAD ELIJAH DAMNED!]- -[The scene cuts to later. All the patrons have left. And only Justin Sane and Xiak Xande are left. Xande has ditched the suspenders of his 'Elijah Damned' attire, and pulled on his trademark dark green button up. He's sipping a beer and watching the TV.]- Elijah Damned, bah. Hey, Big Daddy Dead Dude is more goth then my other choices, Hardkore Havok and The XTREME METALHEAD. True, but did you HAVE TO ressurect that gimmick in my nightclub? Hey you said it yourself, it's a pagen nightclub. It rains indoors, the walls bleed, demons howl... That's my fax machine. Whatever. Maybe this place is built on and old Amish burial ground. God I hope not. I can just imagine, buggy races in the bathroom, quilting behind the bar, maybe a barn raising right in front of your coffin. How the hell would I sleep, with drunken ghostly Amish building a barn right by my coff... er... bed. With earplugs. I guess. Anyway, did you hear the news? What news? JHU got a few more charges tacked on to their sentance. Did they try to sodomize the prison chef or something? They probably have, but I'm talking about somethings I read in the newspaper. You don't have a subscription. I think you have the evil spirits report to you. Damn skippy... er... no. I use the internet. So what'd they do? Let me read them. Three men, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, they began to worry that someone had seen them write the note and might call the police before they reached the teller's window. So they left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, they handed their note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from the spelling errors that weren't the brightest lights in the harbor, told them that she could not accept the stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that they would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, Nick Fed said, "OK" and left. Just Hate Us was arrested a few minutes later, as they were waiting in line back at Bank of America. Well damn, no wonder they're in prison. Yeah, but they were released on bail. Then they went to a gas station. Statik, Syren, and Fed, collectively known the Just Hate Us in the VWA, robbed a liquer store with a shotgun. After the cashier put the cash in the bag, one of them pointed to a bottle of scotch and told her to throw it in the bag. The cashier refused, saying that she didn't believe he was over 21. So JHU pulled out their wallets, and at least one of them was over 21. So the cashier put the bottle in the bag and off they went. They were arrested two hours later, as the cashier had given police their names and addresses. Well it doesn't sound a thing like the JHU 'trial.' They paid the judge to do one for TV, because otherwise Thugg and Dan would have had a fit that their beloved JHU had shown just how stupid they were. I made another call to the warden of Bozo the Clown Federal Penitentury. Apparently Nick Fed has won first place in the 'Miss Prison Bitch USA, D-wing' pagent. And I heard they're even grouchier today. Why is that? Apparently they got fired from the clownshoe factory. AGAIN?! Yeah. They were assigned to be the official whores of D-wing, but why pay for what you can get for free? So they weren't making the government any money, so back they went to the clownshoe factory. Apparently they made some bondage gear and were using the laces for autoerotic asphyxiation. That's uh... disturbing. Why doesn't the warden just assign them to make sex toys and S&M gear then? Sicne it seems that's what they're good at. That's the Marv Albert Federal Penitentury, no the Boxo the Clown FedPen. My bad. I hear they've already formed a gang on the inside. Oh? Yeah. The Silly Ass Wigger Ghetto Gangsta Wannabe Westside Warriors, a division of the Diligent Idiots Commission of Kentucky, Saskatoon, Union City, Kansas, and the Eastern Regional States. A division of DICKSUCKERS you say? Yeah. And also due to their status and felonious record the government has added them to the list of Gay Rights Activists Banned from Attaining Social Security. Oh, I've seen them. All those 80 year old GRABASSes at Wal*Mart, hoping to feel you up when they put that damn happy face stickers on you. Oh yeah. I saw the last time we visited Wal*Mart, I had to pick up that WWF game, SPIDER wanted to check out the horror movie DVD's and you had to replace your fangbrush after SPIDER used it to comb Nailbunny. I've never seen a 90 year old turn to ash before. I had nothing to do with that. He was apparently to stubborn to know he was dead, and time finally caught up with him. Your eyes were glowing red. THEY WERE BLOODSHOT! I have alergies, and hanging around you and SPIDER doesn't exactly help those matters. You were floating a foot off the ground. It was the breeze from the front enterence, you do know the inside of the store is pressurized, don't you? You were chanting in latin. To scare away a street preacher. BACKWARDS! I'm dyslexic, so sue me. You preordered the Liz Bathory comsmetic line. Ok, ok, so that's one point for you. WOOHOO! You see the latest promo from the Prison Bitches? Unfortunately. I heard the part about him not remembering a second loss. OH MY GOD! What? HE DOESN'T REMEMBER A SECOND LOSS! HE'S RIGHT AND THE WHOLE SYSTEM IS FUCKING WRONG! DAMMIT, HOW COULD I BE SO STUPID?! Of course you fucking don't remember it Fed, Skeleton kicked your ass so hard for the Xtreme title you developed amnesia. Skeleton, he of the physically impossible moonsault and association with seagulls. Exactly. I can see WHY you'd want to forget. You lost to a skinny surfer in a dimestore halloween costume. YOU LOST TO LA PARKA LITE! Of course you developed selective amnesia, just like I forgot about the Diamond Jack Maddox I did last summer, bro. Please don't start that again. What, bro? That! This bro? You know, bro, if I didn't know better, bro, I'd think you, bro, have a problem with the way I speak, bro. You hit the head on the nail. Dude, it's nail on the head. Not when SPIDER tries to build a table with only a beer can and a hobo for tools. Point well taken. -[Xande looks right into the camera.]- Nick Fed, talk all you want about how IceBox has never really defended the title. Talk all you want about how you're a way above average wrestler. Because you know it, and I know it. What do we know? The fact that you like to walk in the park and stare at dog's butts? Besides that. The fact that once you took off all your clothes and ran around the VWA arena naked singing 'I'M AN OSCAR MEYER WEINER!'? Not that. Well then what could it be? Well, could it be the fact that compared to my you truely, tottally, utterly, and irrevocably... -[A horde of shadow demons rises from the floor and deliver's Xande's catchphrase 'ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY SUCK!']- DAMMIT! EVEN WHEN I'M ALL BY MYSELF I CAN'T DO IT! -[Xiak's eyes go wide, he thinks about the shadow demons then shakes his head. After all it IS a pagen nightclub.]- So Nick Fed, listen up FOR FUCK'S SAKE! CAUSE I'M ONLY GONNA SAY THIS ONCE! I am the XTREME METALHEAD, the little brother of the one and only HARDCORE MESSIAH! Now that may not seem like much to you, but I know that one Xiak Xande is sure as hell better then one Nick Fed, and guess what Dick Hed? Two of these matches have NO RULES! Two Hardcore style beat downs for you, dudesickle. Which one of us is the five time VWA Hardcore Champion? Which one of us in the former 21 time XHWF Hardcore Champion? Which one of us LOST THE FUCKING XTREME TITLE TO A BEACH BUM IN A CHEAP LATEX MASK?! In order that would be me, me, YOU! Nicky Boy, do you honestly think you'll impress me by saying the same shit over and over about me just being SPIDER's brother? Do you think that scares me? Does that make you any better in anyone's eyes? No. What does it mean? It means that I share 75 percent of my DNA with the sadistic motherfucker that throws hobos in front of cars for a few bucks, talks to a damn rotting rabbit's head nailed to a chair, lives in the basement of a pagen nightclub, and aspires to be a horror movie monster. What that means is that in my case, the apple didn't fall very far from the tree. I'm just as hardcore, just as sadistic, but I have something that SPIDER never has. Mental stability. Psycho has it's advantages and all. But you've dealt with psycho before Fed. What you haven't dealt with before is me. You and I have never gotten up close and personal, one on one. Statik couldn't beat me in my domain Fed, so what makes you think, with your pretty little WCW rejected TV title, can succeed where your higher title carrying buddy failed? Why do you think you can beat me when you couldn't beat a bag of bones that is best buddies with a flock of seagulls? Not the band. A REAL MUTHAFUCKING FLOCK OF SEAGULLS! Skeleton is half of the tag team that I beat last summer for my first XHWF Tag Team title. SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? What it means Fed, is I've succeeded where you've failed. So what am I going to do? I'm doing to give you a hell of a beating XTREME STYLE! I'm going to bring my bag o tryx and so you how fucking tricky I can be. I've got M80's, beer bottles, barbed wire, basebal bats, HELL I EVEN HAVE A LEAF BLOWER! Now I bet you're asking yourself 'How the fuck is he going to hurt me with a leaf blower?' The answer is very carefully. What does that mean? WELL PUT YOUR HEAD TOGETHER WITH YOUR THREE CELLMATES, SO THAT YOU CAN FORM ONE WORKING BRAIN AND FIGURE IT OUT! You may have your little spinning kick. But I have something a whole hell of a lot worse. It's called Gigadeth. Ask your buddy Statik how that went. Ask him how he wasn't able to even take 20 percent of it. Ask him how it feels to lose a title, and not just lose it, but lose it to a guy who didn't even have to use his whole finisher to win. Now you have to ask yourself one question. Have I, meaning Xiak Xande, ever lost a one on one match with hardcore rules? And the answer to that one is 'No, you have not Mr Xande.' Good boy, maybe you'll get a biscut later. 'Really Mr Xande?' No Little Nicky, the prison guards won't let me give you anything, for fear you might sodomize someone with it. Now I've Mr Xandegot another Q and A for ya Little Nick, did you pin SPIDER in the main event against IceBox? The answer is 'No, I did not .' Well then kiddie, here's another one for you, has a member of JHU EVER pinned Xiak Xande? The answer is once again 'No they havent' Mr Xande.' Now how many matches have I been in against JHU? 'Two Mr Xande.' And how many of those involved me winning? 'One Mr Xande.' And what title did I get? 'Global Mr Xande.' Now which champion has the lower ranked belt in this match? 'My TV Title Mr Xande.' And who has a perfect record of not being pinned in hardcore situations? 'You Mr Xande.' The prosecution rests. And the verdict is in. NICK FED YOU ARE A COMPLETELY, TOTAL, AND UTTER ASSCLOWN! So as a defult you should know that you DON'T METAL WITH EVIL! Why? BECAUSE EVIL TRIUMPHS OVER RETARD EACH AND EVERY TIME! -[Fade to Black]- |
